#286 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (26th December 2019)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

And it's Boxing Day today. Boxing Day 2019 or some people say 2019 but I don't. I say two thousand and nineteen.

And in a week's time I'm going to say 2020. 2021, 2022, 2030, yeah I'm going to continue doing that. I'm not really sure why.

It's just one of those idiosyncrasies. I'm trying to think is it because let's say 19, 1984, 1999, 2000, 2001. So no one said 21.

They said 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006. Everyone said that. 2007, 2008, 2009.

No one said 2009. 2010. But no, people started saying 2010.

Huh? What's that about? It's not 20. It's two. If you're going to go all the way out 2008, 2009, 2010.

That's just a standard. No. 2010, 2011, 2012.

Especially in this country 2012 because the Olympics. 2012. Not quite as catchy as 2012.

I don't think the Olympics would have been successful at all if it had been 2012 Olympics. 2012. That's what did it.

Just made it a little bit shorter. It's like people are called Steve. Called Steve.

But they, people called him Stee. It actually takes just as much time to say Stee as it does to say Steve. In fact, depending on how much emphasis you put on the E at the end, it could actually take longer.

Unless they count it. Steve. Unless that's four.

Stee. It could be five. It could, yes, it could be longer.

So it's not actually a shorter version at all. So I'd never call anyone Stee, ever. That's one of my rules.

I wouldn't call anyone Jay either. Not if they, well I would, but I would never, I've never introduced myself as anything but what my name is. If I meet someone for the first time, I say my name's Jason.

If they want to call me Jay or Jace or JJ. That's what I call myself. JJ.

Juicy JJ. If they want to do that, that's fine. I've got no issues with that.

I answer to, I answer to anything really. Mr. Snowman. Smelly Tramp.

I'll answer to that. Crazy Ferret Man. I'm up with that.

But I don't introduce myself as Jay. I'll only be, I'll only be acknowledged. I'll only acknowledge you if I, if you say Jay.

Nah. Don't do that. Some people do.

Some people, in fact, some people called James or Jamie get called Jay. And I kind of, hmm, I'm not sure about that. I think Jay's for Jason.

I'm very, very particular. Jay, James, whatever. John, yeah.

It's like John, Jack. How do you get Jack out of John? That used to be the old name, isn't it? Like John Kennedy was Jack Kennedy. And my dad, here's one.

My dad, no, my uncle was called Edward. My granddad was called Edward. Okay.

Both called Edward. Now, my uncle, everyone calls him Eddie. Never been known as Edward.

Always known as Eddie. My granddad, always known as Ted. Apart from my nan, she used to call him dad.

They had a very unusual relationship. I think in the old days, you used to say dad, didn't you? Because, maybe not. No, she used to call him Ted.

I used to call him granddad. I didn't, I didn't know him as, I didn't, we didn't have that kind of relationship where I could call him by his first name. See, I don't think my dad knows my name, because he's been calling me son since I was seven.

Since I started living with him. Well, I don't live with him now, obviously, because I'm adult. Adults don't, adults don't live with their parents, do they? Imagine, imagine a 49-year-old living.

Well, actually, there's a lot of 49-year-olds do live with their parents, because they're looking after their parents, aren't they? That's kind of where it turns, isn't it? You turn from being looked after to looking after them. Luckily, luckily, my dad married a very young woman, a lot younger than him, about 13 years, I think, whatever difference. So, she's got, he's got someone to look after him in his, you know, in his older age, when he gets older.

So, just means I won't have to, which is good, because I didn't, didn't, well, I wasn't going to. Oh, I had no intention. So, so I don't want to be looked after when I get older.

I want to, I want to be in care. I just, but a nice, I want to have enough money to pay for decent care and not be, you know, I mean, this, I'm sure most care is decent, but I want to ensure it, you know, I want to kind of make sure financially that everything's taken care of in my old age. So, I want to make sure, I don't want any family changing me or barfing me.

I like them as friends. I don't, I don't like them in that way. And, oh, squeaky chair.

In some ways, this might sound a bit weird, but a lot of people don't like the loss of independence. Like my nan didn't, she didn't, she really didn't like it, having people come around her house or around her because she went into, she, she basically, she, she broke her hip in 2001 and she still managed to hobble along afterwards. And, you know, she had it fixed and everything.

And then she broke her hip a second time and she had to basically move out of the house because she could hardly get around anymore. She very, the stairs, it was just a matter of time before something bad happened. So, or more bad stuff.

So, yeah, she moved into short accommodation. Lovely little place it was. And she didn't, she didn't like it.

So, it's okay for me to say lovely little place, but I didn't live there. She was used to her independence and wanted to, she lived in a house, the same house she'd lived in since 19, about 1980. So, what's that? 1980, 90, 2000, 80, 90, 2000.

So, 20, 20, she was probably there for about 26 years, 27 years. I don't know exactly what year she moved into the place, the sheltered accommodation. Don't remember exactly.

Probably because she left, she left the planet in 2015, 2014, rather, in this week, actually. And she, not this week, not now, but 29th of December. And she'd been in there for about six years, I think.

I think, I think, I'm not a hundred percent sure. But I was living in a little room, as I had been for most of my adult life, different little rooms. And she, she lived for me, that was like a kingdom.

It was like a palace to me. The, because she had a bedroom, she had a living room, it was lovely. It was, had a kitchen, bathroom, but she didn't have the garden.

She didn't have the, the stuff that she wanted. She didn't have the memories connected to the building, you know, connected to her home. And she had lots of photographs and stuff like that.

And she, she was funny because she's really friendly, but she used to moan about people just coming in. Neighbours, I'd be around there and neighbours like, hello Eileen. And she'd like, they'd come in like, yeah, hello, yeah.

Are we going to the main hall? Are you going to come along? She said, yeah, I'll be there in a minute. And then she'd see them out and she'd lock the door. As I looked at me as if to say, you know, you forgot to lock it, Jason.

Remember, I don't want them people coming in. So I think I'm a little bit like her. I'm a bit, I can be really friendly, but at the same time, I like my space.

I don't want someone just walking into my home. And I don't think it would have bothered her so much, you know, if she'd have been in the house because she loved that house. That's where her, my grandad lived for a long time from 1980 to 1991 when he left to go to heaven.

And she, she had two bedrooms, because it's a house I used to live in when I was a kid for about a year. And so there was two bedrooms, pretty much the same size, big double bedrooms, one at the front of the house, one at the back of the house, next to each other, but one like a window at the back that looked at the motorway. But the motorway was far enough away for it not to really, he didn't notice it.

I don't know how to explain it. It was, it was more like background sound, very light, like that, rather than anything else. The front of the house, that room was the, that's my nanny grandad's room.

And when I lived there, that was my parents' room. And then there's a little room, which not a box room, it was big enough to be a bedroom because when my nan lived there, there was a single bed, plus there was plenty of room for other stuff. She had an airing cupboard in there.

And what I would do is I would stay, when I used to stay with her, because I spent most of my 20, well, all of my 20s, in fact, living in London. So from 19, what was it? January 91 to September 2001, I think it is, I was living in London. So I used to come down and I'd stay with her sometimes.

And or if I was just coming down for the day, I'd just come and stay, you know, but I'd sort of stay at Christmas sometimes and stuff like that. And I almost age regressed being there. Just, you know, it's really weird to just like sleep in that little single bed.

There was the smell of the house that I think everybody has, doesn't they? Everyone's, there's a, I don't know, I think every, see, I don't think there's a smell in this house, probably like a real smell of Andre in that, apparently. But I, there is this familiar smell with my nan's house, same as with my dad's house as well. Didn't notice it with my, when I lived.

I never noticed it wherever I've lived, but when I visited, there's that kind of familiar smell that's different for every place. And there was that, you know, that was the familiar, basically it was a Newland household for a long time. From 19, no it wasn't 19, it was 1978 or 79 she moved in.

So I was eight years old, not 10. Yeah, eight, something like that anyway. I moved in there, maybe it was eight, 1979 I moved out.

Because my little brother was born in August 1978, when I was eight. He was born the day before me, or the day, my little brother was born the day before me. He was born the day before my eighth birthday.

I actually, I instigated the, not instigated, I don't know if that's the right word, but started off the pregnancy. That's going to sound wrong. Had nothing to do with the pregnancy.

Honestly, I, with the actual water breaking and stuff, I instigated that. By tripping him up. So that got that started.

And I didn't, I actually fell over. I fell over and was crying like a, I'd say like a seven-year-old that was just falling over and hurting himself. It's kind of standard, I think.

I've got to just let it go, man. I've got to let it go. Stop judging myself.

I was seven. You're allowed to cry when you fall over. You're allowed to cry when you fall over at any age.

It's okay to cry, man. It's all right. And she picked me up.

And even, I was little, I was a tiny little thing. And even a little seven-year-old boy is still going to weigh quite a lot when you're pregnant. Well, just anyway, but when you're pregnant.

And I don't think I had butter in the stomach, but not purposely, but there was a strain or something and it caused the water to break. And honestly, I was like, oh, fuck. First of all, now I've fallen over.

First of all, now it's raining. It's brilliant. But no, it wasn't.

And I thought she was trying to drown me. And it was okay. She went and had a baby.

And my nan and granddad came down and looked after us. And it was my birthday. So I had my eighth birthday with my nan.

My dad was, I don't know what he was doing, probably back and forth to the hospital and stuff. And I even remember what I got that year, because some would say, well, you can remember that birthday because your little brother was born. I'm going to remember that birthday because I got a golf set, a proper steel golf set.

And I hit my brother over the head with it. Not my little brother that was just born, that would have been, I had to wait at least six months before I started beating him. But I'm joking.

I did. I hit my older brother around the head. It was an accident.

It was. But I just remember, and I always got told off for arguing. My nan told us all off because we were being naughty.

And my nan didn't tell us off very often. But then she wasn't really in charge of us very often. I think her role really was to be nanny.

Nanny Newland and would go and visit. So we always were pretty much on our best behavior. But because she came to our house, oh, no such luck.

We was naughty. Naughty. I was never naughty.

I would say I was the perfect child. I think if you're ever going to give birth to a child, I'd probably be the perfect one. I was, yeah, never naughty.

Got done for stealing a couple of times. But actually, I did get stoned. I'm not even joking.

I got done at school, right? See, I was born, I grew up rough. Rough. I grew up rough.

I was, the mother left at six months old. So then I was in foster care for about a year and a half, maybe two years. I don't know.

Something like that. And then, what about two? Yeah, so about two years old, my mum came back and took us and we lived in Newcastle. And I lived in a council estate in Newcastle.

And it was a rough place to live. Not because it was Newcastle. That just happened to be quite rough.

I just remember it being pretty rough, that's all. And not at the age of two, but as I kind of got older. And then at the age of about five, I went into, lived in a couple of children's homes to the age of seven.

So I was a bit rough, you know? I wasn't I wasn't the finished article, you may say. So I had a little bit of, I had life experiences that a lot of kids wouldn't have had. Quite a few different, I moved around, lived in different environments, lived in, you know, lived with Catholic nuns in a children's home.

Well, that's an experience. I know hundreds of thousands of people have lived that lifestyle, but it's, you know, if you put it all together, it's quite an unusual kind of mix, I think. I remember when I was a counsellor and one of the counsellors said to me, because we were dealing with children, with young people counselling.

And she said to me, um, I was talking about people that had been adopted. And she said, yeah, it's a very, very serious thing. And you have to be qualified, you have to have special training to deal with people that have been qualified, that have been adopted.

I said, why? Because I really generally didn't know, I didn't really kind of see it as a, and that was my blind spot, in a sense, because I'd, I'd been adopted. So I'd gone through fostering, they wanted to adopt me, and then my mum didn't want that, took us away, had foster, had different parents and stuff, whatever, childhood, child homes. And then my dad's new wife adopted us when I was seven.

So to me, adoption wasn't really it was the least of my interests, you know, it wasn't, it was, didn't really affect me. But then thinking about it, if someone had been adopted and then didn't know it, and they spent their whole life thinking that person was their parent, I could see how it would be a, not a specialist thing, but a, an issue for some people, or for a lot of people, I guess, because I didn't have, mine wasn't like that. Yeah.

But anyway, I was at school, when I was about eight or seven, just moved. I went to three junior schools just in the first, within two years, the first year or something of moving, or for two years. And so the first one I went to, it was just up the road from where I lived when we first moved there.

And we were living in this white house, not the white house, a white house. And it was lots of ants there, I remember that. And it wasn't big enough for all of us.

It wasn't, it was basically my dad's new wife's mother, so her house. And we all lived there for, it wasn't a huge amount of time really, because we then got a council house, which was, ended up being my nanny granddad's as well. So we moved there.

And that wasn't, it was big enough until my little brother came along. And then you had to move again. But that house was just not too far away from the school.

Well, you know, I got in with the wrong crowd. At seven, I was in with the wrong crowd. And it was, basically, I think, I've always liked girls.

Like, even from an early age, and it's something probably that happened when I was in the, I just always really, I was aware, but not physically aware, perhaps, you know, but I'm most mentally aware of my attraction for women. You know, when I was 17, I would have, you know, I really, really liked teenage girls, like girls that were like 14, 15, 16, 17. Yeah, that's what I would have gone for, even at seven.

I just, it was just the way I was. And, but there was this girl at school that I really fancied, and she was the same age as me. And she, we showed each other that we liked each other by, you know, punching each other and running away, that kind of stuff.

And pulling each other's hair, you know, that stuff. And one day she came up to me, and she says, Oi, Jason, get here. So I did, because I was scared of her.

I was scared of most people, most women that I've ever met. And I said to her, yeah, what do you want? She said, look at this. She said, she showed me a key.

What's that? She has the key to the tuck shop. It's the key to the tuck shop. Because basically, I might have to explain what a tuck shop is.

And it's basically, it was, it was a room with a cubby hole where you could buy stuff, sweets, chocolate bars. I don't know about cans of Coke or stuff like that. I really, I'm not sure.

But this was the 70s, so probably anything kind of went, I guess. You know, a line of Coke. I really honestly don't know.

Anything you wanted, really. It was, there wasn't quite as much care, wasn't quite as much health and safety and caring in the 70s as there is these days. It was really a case of just let the kids get on with it, to a degree, of course.

Anyway, but it's mainly crisps, really, and chocolate bars, stuff like that. But what we did is we hid after school. Because we knew that there was, when everyone left, the only people left in the school would be the janitor.

And as long as he didn't get hold of us, we were fine. And so we hid. So we all kind of had our own little way of hiding.

It was so much fun. It was actually three of us, me, her, and I think she got someone else involved as well, which was annoying because I thought she liked me. And so we started just staying behind, sneaking in, and helping ourselves to crisps and pop.

It was brilliant. Now, I didn't class it as stealing. I just classed it as free food.

Because had it been in a supermarket or in a shop, then I would have classed that as stealing. I also did that as well, but only, I think I stole by accident once, twice. Twice, three times, four times.

Actually, yeah, that's not easy. An accident is if you do it more than five times. If it's under five times, it can still be an accident.

And I remember the times. There's one I'm not going to tell you about. There's two I'm not going to tell you about.

Because, yeah, it's embarrassing. One, I've got no idea why I did it. And the other one is, yeah, I just, it was very silly.

I'm probably still on the video camera in that shop. I've probably still got the CCTV footage of that. And I'm surprised it's never been shown on telly if it was recorded.

Because it was a long time ago, you know, like 20, 25 years ago or something. But yeah, anyway, it wasn't anything bad. It was just ridiculously silly.

And anyway, there was this one time I was in the co-op, which is a, it's kind of, it's a shop. It's like a little supermarket. They're not very big.

Well, some co-ops are big, but a lot of them are quite more local. And there's maybe one, two, three, four aisles, you know, and you just, they're nice little things. You know, it's like basically a convenience store, but run by a big company.

And you get more choice in there than you would probably with a, like a happy shopper or something. I always kind of class happy shoppers as dodgy. I don't know why.

Just, I suppose living in London, everything seems, I lived in East London, everything seemed a bit dodgy. It just, I don't know. Nothing seemed to be legit.

Even the jobs didn't seem to be legit. I get the even standard, look for a job. And it just, it was almost like I was being sold to by a secondhand car salesman, you know, with the description of the job, right? Is this an actual proper job? That's probably why I never really had a proper job.

The whole time I was in London. So I didn't see, apart from one when I was in a bakery, that was the only proper job I had. And that was the best paid job I've ever had as well.

And that was in 1991. I was working, I could have worked all the shifts I wanted. I could have ended up being a supervisor and a manager.

Because the manager, people in charge of it, absolutely loved me for some reason. I don't know why, but they did. They really, really got on well with me and spent a lot of time coming and chatting to me.

So I could have been a manager. I could have earned a lot of money, got a house, which would now, you know, be worth a lot of money as well. So I could have been that part of the country.

But unfortunately, I ain't got into a relationship. And that's kind of ended the job. It's quite weird though, because this relationship thing, I kind of went off the rails a little bit for about 10 days.

And I didn't go, I just didn't turn up for work. So I was sacked. And no manager likes you enough to let you just go off for 10 days.

So, you know, I was sacked. So that was it. So I turned up to collect my last paycheck, which was quite a big bunch of cash for the previous month or the previous week or whatever it was, plus holiday pay that I was owed.

And the sister of the manager, so I didn't only get on with the managers, the person in charge of the whole factory, whole bakery, and then the one who's second in charge was his brother. I remember their names. And then everyone else was underneath him.

And his sister, their sister also worked there. And I got on really well with his sister. We used to spend quite a few lunches and stuff, eating lunch with her and chatting to her and everything.

Without anything happening, because I was in a relationship and I didn't think of anything of it. And I saw her on the way to me going to get my last paycheck. And she was on the road coming the other way.

She was just walking away and she stopped. And she said to me that she really liked me. But she was also in a relationship.

And if she wasn't, she'd definitely, I think her tone was jump my bones. I think. So that was that was a little lift on a day which was fairly difficult.

Because all I wanted was my job back, really. I said to her, well, can you not speak to your brothers? And she said, no, they don't like you anymore. Okay, yeah, fair enough.

But I do. Anyway, there was one time in the co-op, and I was basically waiting in a queue to pay for a Mars bar. But I was hungry.

And by the time I got, I was still like three people away from the till. I realised I'd eaten the Mars bar. So I just walked off and nothing.

And I thought, oh, but what it didn't, it didn't make me think, oh, I'm going to start stealing. Because I don't have, I know I just said I've like stolen loads of times, but I haven't really. But space it out over 49 years, it's not that often.

And that's the sub logic to that. But I'm not, I'm not into stealing, not a thief. And it's hard to be a thief when you spent a couple of years or three years or two or three years living with Catholic nuns.

You get that, there's that guilt that kind of is there, you know, very difficult to, well, for me, I found it very difficult to go against those rules of not stealing, although I managed it a little bit. Anyway, we got caught. We got caught when we was in the school, in the tuck shop.

The, I think the janitor caught us or either that or it was the headmistress. And I, I can't remember how I felt. I suppose I was scared I'd get in trouble or something like that.

I don't know. And they didn't tell our parents, or at least if they didn't, did, nothing, I wasn't told nothing. I thought I got away with it.

I thought, oh, this is cool. And this was on a, I think it was Friday night, maybe a Thursday evening and still nothing, no Friday evening probably. Anyway, coming on a Monday, who walks in? A policeman.

A policeman walks into the front of the class and gives us all a lecture about not stealing. And who had to stand up in front of the whole class? Me, and then the other two kids, the girl and the other boy. That was, it wasn't my finest moment.

It wasn't, it wasn't my worst moment either, but it wasn't the finest part of my life. It was like, okay, I'm always, I'm always glad that I managed to leave the school and go to different school after that, because that stuff can stick around with you, can't it? It's like being in class and you think it's just a fart and it isn't. And you, you know, that just carries around with you all the way through school, that incredibly embarrassing moment.

But luckily I moved to a different school, so it was all right. And I don't think I did much stealing in that school. That's when I used to start, that's when I started lending money.

I was a shown lark, a shown lark, a loan shark, a shown lark. Yeah. So that was good.

I did use to lend money when I was in high school and it's not an easy job actually, because I was always working. So I had more money when I was at school than I have now, more spare money to spend because I was working from the age of 12. I worked part-time.

At one point I had an early morning paper round, Monday to Saturday, evening paper round, Monday to Saturday, a weekly paper round, which was like leaflets, like a weekly, you know, and I don't know if you get them where you live, but we get them here, there. We don't anymore, but we used to, but you can buy them in the shops and it'd be just like a paper with news in, but also it's basically a bunch of adverts and stuff. And then I'd have a monthly paper round, which was leaflets, given leaflets, and I'd have like 10,000 leaflets to deliver all around the place.

It'd be loads. And that'd take up, it'd probably take about a weekend to do that, or maybe, yeah, probably about a weekend. So I don't know how many, I'd spend all weekend doing it, maybe a few days.

Yeah, maybe two weekends, I'm not sure, but usually. So I had four incomes coming in. So I had money to, you know, I didn't have to pay rent or anything because I was a child living at home.

And so I used to buy books and never once thought about buying clothes. And if I had, I might have been popular at school because those that were fashionable were popular. And I never really knew how to be fashionable, if that makes sense.

I still don't really. And it's a bit late now because I don't have the, my body's not the right, it's, well, my body's, it's kind of different shape to how it used to be. Because I used to be really slim, really, really, really, really skinny, like as skinny as you can get.

You know, you see my ribs showing, there'd be, you know, there was no, I had muscle, but I was still skinny ultimately. And I didn't like it. I didn't like being that skinny, but I couldn't change it.

I used to eat and eat. I went on a bodybuilding diet where I was eating every, every couple of hours, going to the gym, and I just couldn't put weight on, literally. It wasn't until 2005 when I went on antidepressants that I first put weight on.

Isn't that weird? So all those years, skinny, absolutely skinny. I mean, not an inch of fat on me. My BMI or whatever it is, BMX level would have been properly low.

Now it's, it's kind of topsy-turvy now, very top heavy. I've got, I always liked top heavy women. Now I'm a top heavy man.

Isn't it weird? I've got, my legs are still pretty skinny, not skinny, but slim compared to, mind you, everything's slim compared to my belly. I do, sometimes I'm walking down the street at Christmas. I have to be careful because I knock over children with my belly.

I don't mean to. I'm just walking down the street and knock people over. It's like, it's just not fair.

I'd like to be, here's what I'd like to be. I'd like to be the same weight as I am now, but with the same body and shape as I had before, because I would be, I'd really look good. If it was muscle, obviously, no fat, I mean, get rid of all the fat, no fat, but it's just the same shape.

So I just, you know, I'd look really, I suppose I'd probably look like a bodybuilder, I guess, if I was that kind of, because I had to put it, what, 20, I used to have a 26 or 27 inch waist. And now, um, um, at least 36 inch now, I'd say, possibly, possibly 34. It was 34.

It was 32 at one point, and then it went to 36. I personally think that I've lost weight off my belly a little bit because, um, I like saying it. So yeah, that's the only reason I say it, because it sounds nice.

Um, but I do, if I went back, mind you, if I went back, I don't think I'd be thinking about what trousers to buy, because if I went back, I'd just be in the same position as I was then, because I always would choose pretty much to buy books over anything else, because I love reading. Um, to the point actually that, and I've, I've, I've lost that love a little bit because I haven't given myself the opportunity for quite a while to get so engrossed in books. Reading was my favourite thing and pretty much my favourite thing to do when I was a kid.

I used to love watching telly as well, but when I was at school, I went through periods because I think I've always had this, I don't think, I know I've always had the, um, few issues. And I know sometimes when I'd be full of energy and I want to go out and fight and play and just be just, you know, it's school, you know, during break time and just get involved with everything and get in trouble or watch other people get in trouble, you know, that kind of stuff. And then other times I'd just hide away, find somewhere where there's no one around and I'd just sit there and read a book and that had nothing to do with anybody for weeks sometimes.

So it's, you know, the books kept me comfort. I mean, there was one time, all right, so I used to watch Star Trek on telly, you know, the original TV show. And part of the reason why I didn't want to watch the new one, well, it's not new now, but the, um, next generation that started in the nineties was because I was such a big fan of the original series.

I also read loads of the books. So I had a, quite a deep connection with the original show because not only had I watched them loads and loads, I'd read the books as well. So when the new show came along, I didn't want anything to do with it.

However, it turned out that it was brilliant and I absolutely loved it. So it's, uh, I never read those books. I feel one of my favorite books ever.

I still got it. I haven't still got it, but I re-bought it and it's Sapphire and Steel. One of my top favorite TV shows ever.

Is, had, um, David McCullen and what's her name? Um, David McCullen and Patsy from AdFab, absolutely fabulous. Um, I forget what's her name, but she's, they, Sapphire and Steel was, and still is probably my favorite TV program of my childhood. So I bought the book and the book was pretty much even better than the TV show.

It was almost trance-like. And what's ironic, don't you think, is I, the actual book was written by the same person that wrote some of the Doctor Who shows. So he's very, I think, I might, I might be wrong, pretty sure.

But he would have written the Doctor Who shows like later on, you know, maybe 20 years later. No, that doesn't make sense, does it? It might do because he might have only been in his twenties when he wrote Sapphire and Steel and he was in his forties when he wrote Doctor Who. I mean, everybody, you know, everybody's something.

That's what I always say, everybody's something. Kind of sums it up. So I was standing there in front of the class with the policemen and it was embarrassing.

It was. So that's all I've got to say for that one. What other time? Oh, there was a time, right, when I was at college.

I was 16. I went to catering college as part of my, it was one day a week. I was working in a chip shop.

I was on a YTS and part of the scheme, I was getting paid £27.30 a week or something like that. And part of the scheme was I had to go to college on a, I think it was a Wednesday. So that's what I did.

And we, I remember the people on that course, we went to have some lunch. We went to this big, it's a big old place it was. And I remember where it was, but I can't remember where it was.

I kind of vaguely remember sort of the area because it wasn't far from the college. And so we went in there and we all sort of, I don't know how many of us there was, probably about six maybe. Really busy in there.

Really busy. We got our food, had it and we were waiting to pay. And we had to be back at college and they weren't great on lateness.

They weren't a big fan of that. Because we were 16, they were still treating us like kids. Unlike adults who go to college, like when you're older, you get, the teachers can't get away with treating kids, you can't treat a 30 year old like a kid.

But when you're 16, you spent your last 12 years at school or whatever it is, you don't know any different. Because you're so used to being treated like a little child by teachers, being talked down to, you almost just accept it because it's just standard. Anyway, we were standing there or sitting there rather, having had a dinner.

It was all right. I don't remember the particular tastes involved because it was 33 years ago. But we were waiting to pay.

Honestly, waiting to pay. Kept saying, put our hand up. Because you know, you're at school, you put your hand up.

That's what you've got to do, isn't it? What's Sondre doing? He's moved his bag. He's moved his bag around the wrong way. Who knows what's going on with him.

Anyway, so we just walked out and no one followed us. And it wasn't so much stealing. It was just, we were trying to pay and they were rude to us.

So we said, okay. And we just walked. And that's the only time that's ever happened.

Apart from when I first started working at Churchill in 2001. We had our training for two weeks, you know, training, insurance, all that stuff. And this story has got nothing to do with Churchill.

I just put that. I don't want to get sued by Churchill. But this is the people that were working with me at the time.

They're probably none of them working there now. But the team, the trainer took us to, like we all went out for the evening at the end of the training to celebrate. There was about 12 of us, I suppose.

So we went to the pub or whatever, had that. Then we ended up going to an Indian restaurant and made a lovely meal. It was really good.

The whole thing was really nice. And then they were all whispering and someone shouted out, run for it. Everyone except me and one other person ran out of the restaurant and ran away.

The only two people left was me and another Londoner. I said another Londoner. I was born in London, but I lived in London for many years.

And I wouldn't even think about doing something like that in London. Because I'd expect someone to be coming out with a machete, chasing me, you know, so I wouldn't do that. But they just took off.

And sure enough, the staff came out and surrounded us, me and him. And I didn't realize there was that many staff there. And I said, well, I said, you've got to pay, you've got to pay.

I said, no, I'll pay for mine. That's all I'm paying. The other bloke, he paid for the rest of the people there on his credit card.

And he made sure he got the money back. But I was, no, I'll pay for my food. Call the police, I don't care.

I'll pay for what I've eaten. I'm not going to pay for other people's food because they've decided to run off. I don't play those games.

I learned at school not to steal. That's why I rarely do it. So yeah, I've got a very moral person.

I'm almost like a saint. It's pretty good. What other times have I stolen? I used to, this is tough.

I used to work in a, I used to have a cleaning job. Again, this is a long, long time ago. I was a teenager still.

Okay, so I'm not, you know, this isn't something that I would ever do, but I was cleaning the supermarket and I did help myself to sweets because there was this pick and mix things. And every day I went in there, I just helped myself to have a sweet and stuff. Now, technically that's stealing, isn't it? I mean, I don't even need the word technically.

That is stealing something that doesn't belong to you, stealing. But I saw it more as a perk. What other things have I, I suppose paper or I've used, I've used photocopiers.

So I've used company paper and photocopiers and stuff to do stuff, to make leaflets for my free service. And so I guess, I mean, I suppose that's stealing, isn't it? But it's helping other people. And I don't know, I forgot, yeah, I robbed the jewellery.

There was that. So there was a Hatton Gardens and got away with 60 million. I forgot about that.

I completely forgot. Isn't it weird? I remember the Mars bar, but no, I've not done anything like that really. I did, when I was, okay, now this is terrible.

And I don't know why I did it. Again, it's probably part of the personality disorder kind of taking chances. It's not, there's a word for it, was it? I was diagnosed as, there's a bipolar, then there's the, what was it called? Emotionally unstable personality disorder with, what's that word? You know, when you do something, it's the opposite to being lazy.

And I might do something just out of the blue without thinking about it. And there's a word for it. I can't think what it's called, but yeah, that's kind of what I was diagnosed with as well, as well as a bipolar.

And it has been times when I have done that. It's kind of where you put yourself into situations that perhaps you shouldn't. And do stuff off the cuff without planning and take chances and, you know, that kind of stuff, which I don't really do anymore because, well, not much, not much because it's not really, not really my thing, but I used to a bit, used to a bit.

Yeah. I'm still trying to think of the word. Yeah.

So I went to a supermarket. I went, not a supermarket, I went to a newsagents when I was, I've got to be careful. I can end up, imagine the police.

Yes, we got come to arrest you for stealing a Mars bar in 1979. But yeah, I did some weird stuff anyway. I won't go into that.

What is it? What's that word? It's getting, I can't think what the word is. It's definitely a word, a word of some kind. Yeah.

So I'm, I'm doing this early in the day. Normally I do it in the morning, you know, early hours. I'm doing this in the afternoon.

It's 1.48 in the afternoon and it looks like it's six o'clock in the evening. And it's, you know, it's starting to get dark already. It's ridiculous.

I've got the light on inside. I've been up, I don't know why, but for some reason I seem to, my sleeping has changed a bit. And I woke up about 10, half 10.

I needed the light on even then. It's just a, it's the weird time of the year, isn't it? It's only a few weeks left and then it starts getting brighter, you know, before we know it, it'll be summer. Because in the summer, when it's like nice, you know, when it's sort of warm and bright and everything, I think to myself sometimes, oh, how do I get through the winter? How do we get through it with all that grim weather and that? But then this is almost my favourite time, especially the beginning of the year, January the 1st.

So twice a year I have like a, well actually it's not true, but I was going to say twice a year I evaluate my life. I evaluate my life nearly every day, to be fair. I'm always evaluating sort of what am I doing? Where have I been? Where am I going? Why am I doing this? What should I do next? I'm constantly evaluating that, but I have like a bit more of a bit more time doing that when it's my birthday and then when it's New Year's Day.

Or your New Year's Eve, sort of. So I'm going to plan for this year coming up 2020. Or do we say 2020? 2020.

That's eyesight, isn't it? 2020. You've got 2020 eyesight. I don't, I have like 114 or something, I don't know.

My eyesight is not, it's all right. With my glasses on. Never really wanted to wear glasses, I'll be honest.

If you'd have asked me when I was, you know when I turned eight, you said to me on my birthday, Jason, because no one else ever called me anything but Jason back then. Someone said Jay, I wouldn't have even turned around. Wouldn't know what.

What, Jaybird? Jaybird's from, what is it? Saturday Night Fever. And they just said, oh, Jason, I'm making this last longer because I've forgotten what I was talking about. So what would you, what do you want to be when you get older? And I just said policeman.

And they said, why? I said because I'm very law-abiding. I actually thought I was. There was a time, seriously, when I was about, yeah, about eight, nine, I used to tell people off for swearing.

I'd actually, I would instigate punishment to people that swore. It's ridiculous. It's like I was this little, little nightmare at times.

Like, why? Who was I to tell other people what they should and shouldn't say? Don't swear. I think it was the, I think it's the nuns. The nuns did it.

They put that in my head. Shouldn't swear. There's a joke coming, but I won't say it.

But it's okay. Let me fill in the gap. Oh, I'm watching something on telly.

Well, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, bong, ba ba dum, ba ba dum, ba ba dum, ba ba dum, bum. Right, so that's the end of this highly, not inclusive, that's not the right word, envious, no. I'm sure those birds that are in the loft are going to end up coming through that wall.

I hear them, like, tweeting, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, like, scratching all my hours of the day. And I've seen them from outside flying in. I mean, I've been in the garden and I saw them flying.

Not inventive, intensive, inquisitive, repetitive. Yeah, I don't know. So yeah.

Oh, so glad I could share everything that I share with you. It's ever so wonderful, ever so glorious. Yes, it is.

Yes, it is. Oh, yes, it is. Is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is.

Also welcome, well done to Natalie for winning the Echo Dot, the Amazon Echo Dot in yesterday's competition. Final winner and those are still awake, there is a new competition where if you share, every time you share a post that I make, I should have mentioned this at the beginning, every time you share a post that I post to Facebook, you share it onto your own page or onto a group that you're on or whatever, you'll be entered into the competition where you can win a disc drive with all of my Let Me Boy To Sleep recordings on. So I'm gonna go, thank you for listening.

Take care and remember to be kind to yourself. Lots of love. Bye.