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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep L M L M B Y T S L M B Y T S yeah So, it is Monday the 25th of August 2025. Hello, hello It's my brother's birthday today and tomorrow, Tuesday the 26th of August 2025, it's my birthday. My, mine, mine.
So yeah, I will be tomorrow 55 years old. 55, 55, even if you say it quickly, still sounds old. Yep, 55, as I got my hand on top of my head, really feeling the temperature difference in my bald spot.
It's weird, isn't it? Like, I wonder, I'm not sure if I, I wonder if I'll have any hair by the time I'm 65. So yeah, so it's, my brother was born, well, no, clearly he was born the day before my birthday when I was, I turned eight, so basically he was born the day before my eighth birthday. And I remember that quite clearly.
Yeah. So I'll tell you about that in a minute. Oh yeah, I got Uncle Sausage's funeral on Thursday at 9.30. So that's going to be a weird one, but I do still intend to do a Q&A video.
This Friday, I need to post a question thing on Facebook. I had a lot of questions last time, last Friday. Lots and lots of questions.
So I'm gonna, if I remember, I'll post that. I could do it now while I'm thinking about it. No, I can't because there's no internet on my phone.
So I always put it on to, yeah, I put it on to, what's it called? Airplane mode. So I don't get disturbed by all the millions of phone calls that I get on a daily basis. So yeah, I'll do that after this.
So it's Bank Holiday Monday here in the British Isles of the UK, England. Commonwealth. And it's a nice day outside.
It's really nice. A little bit of wind, which is good. It's fairly hot out there.
Very sunny. I already took Vinnie out earlier, about seven o'clock-ish. And of course, he barked at a couple of dogs like he does.
I miss the old days when he was really like, when he was 10 months old when I first got him, he was happy to see every single dog. Excited, he just wanted to run up to them and be friends. He's not like that anymore.
He's got the dogs that he's friends with. And anyone new, he's not particularly interested in. And especially the big dogs, he doesn't like big dogs or generally black dogs, but he's got a couple of black dog friends.
So he's not completely racist. But he's definitely, you know, he's got a thing about sheepdogs, what they call colliers or whatever they're called. Yet one of his good friends is a collier.
I can't figure him out, really. So not a big fan of him doing it anytime, but not early in the morning or late at night. Just not, not really, don't really enjoy that.
It's because some people like, he did it yesterday. We turned a corner and there was someone there with a dog and did his barking. And both the people with the dog would give me funny looks like, he's just a dog, he's barking.
That's what dogs do, man. But, you know, I could be responsible for him up to a limit, you know, he's on a lead, so he can't do any mischief. But as far as barking, he's going to do that.
He's a dog. That's what, you know, I can't stop him from barking. I try and stop him.
And I'm usually able to calm him down. But ultimately, if he decides to start barking, which I think is kind of automatic behavior, he doesn't plan it. He's not got a little alarm goes off on his, on his watch that tells him, oh, time to bark.
No, he just, it's just an automatic response to outside stimuli, I'm guessing. I don't know where he is. He's on the floor somewhere.
He came in, licking his lips. So I got him some food, got him some water, or change his water rather, because he was in a bedroom with his water and his food. Did not touch his food from last night.
So I've given him some new food, put it out. Hasn't gone anywhere near it. And I think he's just done a big fart.
No, it wasn't me. It was him. If it was me, it was a silent one.
But normally, even if it's silent, you know, still feel the air. See, it's another week. Another week in August.
It's the last week of August. I do believe so. What have we got? 26 tomorrow, which is Tuesday.
My birthday. 55. 27th on Wednesday, 23rd on Thursday.
23rd, wow. 26, 27, Wednesday. 28th, Thursday.
29th, Friday. 30th, Saturday. 31st, Sunday.
And 1st of September will be next Monday. In a week's time. See, yeah.
That was a bit pointless, really, wasn't it? Just reading out the numbers of the days. The weird thing is, I just really enjoyed doing it. And I don't know why.
I don't know. Yeah, I haven't really done much. Today, although it's still fairly early.
It's only 11.25 in the morning. I mean, recently, I've been doing recordings a little bit earlier than this, but. It's been relatively quiet outside.
So I thought, oh, maybe I'll make a recording. There's not much screaming and shouting and, you know, ding-dongs going on out there. Plus, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four out of six of the flats in this building are empty at the moment.
Today, anyway. One's on holiday. I think one's gone away for the weekend or so.
I don't know. I haven't seen them. Because I put some black bags out there, out the front for them.
There's a little gift and they haven't brought it in. So I guess they're not around. And then, yeah, one downstairs is on holiday.
And then the other two flats are empty anyway. So there's only me and downstairs that are here today. So it's pretty, pretty, pretty quiet.
And I don't make much noise, generally. I'm fairly, a fairly peaceful neighbour. I would, I would, I think, I hope so.
I have asked intermittently my neighbour downstairs just to make sure that I'm being quiet enough. Because I don't, you know, I don't want to be one of those noisy neighbours. That's almost like my worst scenario.
Just, yeah. Other than having a really noisy neighbour, that's up higher than that, you know. So, yeah, the week ahead's looking, well, I don't really do anything on my birthday anymore.
I used to. I used to celebrate my birthday every single year. Not as in like having a birthday celebration.
Like a party or anything like that. I'm talking about as an adult. When I was a kid, I used to have parties.
I think, yeah, pretty much. But as an adult, most of the time when I was in London, I would take the day off on my birthday. I'd go up to the West End and just chill out.
I'd become, I suppose, like a tourist for the day. And I'd go and eat out and I'd go and I'd be on my own every single time. And I'd just, you know, just go to the West End, have a look around, go into the bookshops, maybe buy a book, go and get McDonald's.
I saw, heard an advert or saw an advert on TV for McDonald's. And now they're using the term Maccy D. For McDonald's, which just shows you how, how slow companies are to use. Because I heard that term when I like 25 years ago, people talk about Maccy D's.
So now McDonald's have just realized that people use that term. I personally don't use that term. Because it's McDonald's.
I do the idea of actually making a cute name for something that's so harmful for me. This, you know, I mean, McDonald's, okay, I used to like McDonald's, used to be a treat. Now it's, I would have, I would go to McDonald's if there was nothing else to eat.
It would be a last resort. I think I'd even choose a sausage roll over a McDonald's meal. Generally, yeah, it's just, it's, if I'm in the middle of somewhere and I've got no other food, I'll go to McDonald's.
Only if there's McDonald's there. Because otherwise I wouldn't be able to go, would I? No. Oh, so my birthday, my birthday, my birthday, my, my birthday, my birthday, my birthday.
55. I wonder how many birthdays I can remember. I can't remember last year.
What birthdays stand out in my life? Okay, the first birthday I recall was when I was in living in Newcastle, in a children's home. And I come down, I've told this story before, but I come downstairs. Because my birthday was always during the summer holidays when I was at school.
So right from being, I don't know, when I first went to school, I don't know what age I was, but I never had to do anything on my birthday until I started working. And then when I got to my 20s, I kind of decided I'm not working on my birthday anymore. So yeah, my first birthday recollection, because I didn't know what my birthday was.
I didn't know how old I was back then. So I'm guessing I was probably about five. And I come downstairs, I'm late.
I must have slept in or something. I go into the canteen. Because the children's home in Newcastle was a lot better than a children's home in Southend, where I ended up.
It was, it was just nicer. The place was nicer. And as far as brighter and where we ate was like a conservatory thing.
And I don't know. It was just so nice and it was all surrounded by fields. And, you know, as a play area, big play field with swings and stuff.
Yeah. Anyway, I, so I come down and I'm sitting at the table. And someone says, oh, happy birthday.
I said, okay, I had no idea it was my birthday. Neither did they. I mean, obviously they did because they just said happy birthday.
And because I know I had that conversation with them. I said, how do you know it's my birthday? And she said, I didn't. I said, well, you just told me happy birthday.
How can you say happy birthday if you didn't know it's my birthday? She said, well, I could just be making it up. And I could say happy birthday to anyone at any time. You know, but I said, what are you? You make it up? And she said, no, I'm not.
I said, okay, well, how come? How do you know it's my birthday then? She said, because your mum came around. I said, really? She said, yeah, your mum turned up. I said, okay, where was she? She said, no, she didn't stop.
Okay, she didn't stop. She, why didn't you wake me up? Oh, she couldn't stop. Okay, so I said, okay, a lot back then.
And I said, right. And she said, and the lady said, well, she left you a present. I said, oh, really? And she gave it to me.
It was a box of Maltesers, one of the bigger boxes. And I love Maltesers, still do. So I, oh, and that was it.
That was my birthday. And that's the first birthday I remember ever really knowing what a birthday was. Now, the next time I had a birthday, I couldn't tell you.
I mean, I know it was a year later, but I couldn't tell you. I don't remember a specific celebration of any particular birthday year. And probably until I was eight.
So I remember that birthday. So we'd been living, we'd just moved into, not just moved in, but hadn't been long. We'd been living in this house, which was a new build on a council estate, which my nana grandad moved into as well, once we moved out.
In, I don't know, 1988, sort of summer time. Just, yeah, just in time. Yeah, it's probably just in time for me to move into, we moved into a new house and I started a new school in September.
So, yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. That's right.
So, the day before my eighth birthday, the 25th, which is today, I don't even know how many years ago, 40 something, 43? No, 47 years ago. So my little brother is now 47. He's getting old, isn't he? So 47 years ago today, I was, see, in our house, we had, and I don't know why, and it's really, it caused problems for my nan as well.
She fell down these steps that I fell down and they put a ramp up in the end, my dad and whatever. It was ridiculous, like these big steps and each step was pretty much as high up to my knee. I mean, I was only two inches tall at the time, but still, big steps to get into the back door.
And it's, I think it's because the house was kind of on a bit of a slope and the ground hadn't settled yet because it was on a new bit of land. Well, not a new bit of land, land's probably been there for millions of years, but depending on which book you read. And I fell down the stairs.
My step-mom was heavily pregnant. I mean, the fact is she had a baby that day, so she must've been quite heavily pregnant. And she comes out to help me.
So I fall down the stairs and I'm crying. My dad comes out, he's like, oh, you've had the baby already? And he realizes it's just me. I was still a baby, that's what, that's the day I stopped being a baby.
It's kind of weird, I got to be a baby for a year, pretty much. I had a whole year of being the baby, being the youngest. I know I was youngest for the first eight years, but that's, it's only between seven and eight that I was actually treated like a human, I think.
So I got to be a baby and act like a baby and be all, I don't know, babyish, I guess. I don't mean a baby baby. I wasn't like wearing nappies and going ga-ga-goo-goo, not that babies generally go ga-ga-goo-goo, but like that, I wasn't doing that.
But I was, you know, I was, my dad would carry me on his shoulders and we were walking around and I would sit on my stepmum's lap and cuddle up to her like I was a little baby. Yeah, it was good, I liked it. But then my little brother was born and he ruined everything, absolutely ruined it.
And I suddenly had to start acting, I suppose my age, really. But it was good, it was good for a year. Yeah, kind of.
What was it? Yeah, I remember once I was thinking, because my dad said, oh, you're getting a bit too heavy now, I need to carry you on my shoulders. So I'm probably not going to be able to do it anymore. And I thought, hmm.
So what I did is I put super glue on my bum and on my legs. Well, I was wearing trousers, but I put super glue on them. And I thought that'd work, but it didn't.
He just took his shirt off and we didn't talk about it again. Yeah. The people in the restaurant weren't too pleased.
That doesn't make sense. What do you mean the people in the restaurant? Why would you be on your dad's shoulders in the restaurant? I don't know, it made sense when I said it, then once I said it, I realised it didn't make sense. And instead of moving on, I actually highlighted the fact that what I just said made no sense at all.
You can't think of any other words that mean sense, can you? So you just keep using the same word, sense. Yeah, I noticed that as well. Thanks.
It's OK, I'm here to help. Yeah, cheers. It didn't make any... It didn't seem relevant, didn't make any kind of sense.
No, see, I keep coming back to the word sense. Anyway, I fell over. I'm not on purpose.
You know, I bashed my knee on the concrete floor. It hurt. And I cried.
I was like... Like that, and probably about a lot louder. Although I've got quite a quiet voice, I can shout really loud. It's... It'll surprise you, honestly.
I can really shout loud if I need to. But the whole estate would hear me if I shouted my loudest. I don't know why.
It's my little superpower that I keep quiet. I keep it to myself. Plus, there's no apparent reason to use it.
And... Yeah, so I've fallen over off the step. A very unsafe step. Really not a good idea to have two steps, in fact.
Two concrete steps to get into the back door. It just... I don't know. Personally, I think it was a bad idea.
And a big fault in the building structure. It just wasn't. I mean, it's a nice house.
It was my favorite house of all time. And if I could live anywhere, it'd be there. In that house.
You know, but it'd have to be like it was when my nan lived there. I wouldn't change a thing. I'd keep it the same.
But unfortunately, she moved out. She had to move out. And yeah, into a care home.
And not a care home. It was a sheltered residential accommodation. Is that what it's called? She had her own flat.
And with, I don't know how many other people. 50, 60, 100, I don't know. Everyone had their own flats.
And she'd go in as you walk. Basically, as you walk in the main thing. I think it was locked sometimes.
But if you walk in. And there's this big area of room where sometimes they'd congregate and play bingo and cricket or whatever else. Hopscotch.
And I don't know why that's funny. And then turn right. It wasn't funny.
Okay, stop. I don't need this. You're not helping anymore.
Not trying to. So turn right down there. One, two, three, four on the right.
That's where her door was. I couldn't tell you what number it was. I do what number I knew.
I didn't look. I remember the numbers of the two houses I lived in. When I was a kid, two of the houses.
One was 56. One was 98. Yeah.
56, 98. But this one I don't remember. And you go in.
On the left hand side, there was a cupboard. On top of that, there was a cupboard or was it inbuilt? I don't know. But that's where my nan stored shoe boxes with photographs in.
And there's some photo albums up there as well. Because every now and then we get them out and have a little look. A little laugh.
Then she'd show me. There's she had pictures of me when I was little. Before.
Like when I was like really little. And I don't know how. That's kind of a little bit confusing.
I don't know how. Because this is before I was like a toddler. I'm guessing when I was with the foster parents, my nan was still visiting us.
Maybe still taking us out. And maybe my dad was. I really don't know.
But there was some pictures of us where I was definitely older than a baby. Yeah, and it was before I was two, because that's when I moved to Newcastle. Anyways, pictures of me in a pram and stuff.
My nan and my brother. And there's a few pictures of me when I was younger, when I was like a kid. Christmases and stuff like that.
And pictures of the family, pictures of my nan when she was a kid. Pictures of her when she got married. Pictures of my granddad.
My granddad looked like Clark Gable. Seriously, he's when he was older, I mean, when he was like in his 50s, 60s, looked like Clark Gable. Very handsome man.
I obviously take after him. And he had a moustache. I think he had a moustache all his life.
I don't suit a moustache. Really. In fact, recently I've been shaving.
I've not had a beard for a while. I just... I'm not sure if having a grey beard really helps me in life. I just don't know if it's advantageous on any level.
You know, I just... See, for me, I look at pictures of me with a beard and I think I look all right. But then I see other people with exactly the same kind of beard as what I've got. And I'm thinking, do I look like that? Because sometimes it looks really scraggly and I don't know.
I think... I think beards look good from a distance. But as you get closer, maybe they don't look so good. I don't know.
I might just... I could dye my beard black and dye my hair black. Dye my eyebrows black. And dye my ear hairs black.
My arm hair is black. I don't know, I could do. I'd look silly, but I could do it.
I'd look ridiculous, but... Or blonde. I used to be blonde. I did.
I think I was born blonde, but gingery. I say born blonde, I don't know if I had much hair when I was born. I sort of reverted back to being a baby again.
Yeah, the ageing process is a little bit like that, isn't it? Turning into a babby. See, that's what I used to call them when I was... Because I always lived in Newcastle, I called them babbies. I didn't know what a baby was, I knew what a babby was.
So, I actually remembered that. Wow, I haven't heard that term for a long time. A babby.
Unless, of course, I'm getting it wrong. Maybe I was just pronouncing it incorrectly. It's baby, Jason.
It's baby. Babby. Babby.
Why are you talking like that, Jason? You're 12 years old. Babby. Babby.
No, I don't know. That was weird. Yeah, that was too weird for me.
So, I fall over and I bang my knee on the floor, on the concrete. I'm crying. I've hurted my knee.
My knee is sore. To start with, I didn't make too much noise, but no one came. So, I had to up it, you know, I had to make it louder.
And, you know, after about 20 minutes of no one taking any notice, that's when I used my super powerful loud voice, which I have hidden away. I'm not going to do an impression because that'd be really loud. The microphone would break.
And that's when my step-mum came running out. And she tripped. I think she tripped on the step, but she came out.
But the shock, I don't know, she picked me up and her water broke. And it's really weird, her water broke and I learned to swim at the same time. It was great.
Now, she, I think she picked me up and then she went into the kitchen. And suddenly, I just hear this splash and I'm thinking, oh, I don't have to clear that up. And she calls for help and I'm thinking, why are you calling me for help? I'm the one that needs help.
I'm waiting for that plaster. Where's the plaster, eh, woman? I never said that again. Wow.
But yeah, she's a woman. I've never said that to anyone ever in my life. I said man, but yeah, man, white man, because I'm an old hippie, innit? I used to be a young hippie, now I'm an old hippie.
Still don't know what it means. Anyway, her water's broke, splashed everywhere. And I actually thought that my little brother was just going to pop out.
And the only reason he hadn't fallen on the floor is because she was wearing knickers. I didn't understand the whole process of giving birth. I just figured that he'd come out with the water, you know? It'd flush out.
And the next thing I know, my dad's in there. I'm not sure if my dad was there. I think he was there.
And he comes in and saying, who made this mess? And my stepmom pointed to me and said it was my fault. So I had to go and get the mopping bucket. None of that happened.
Someone cleared it up. They must have done. And the two things they had to do, first of all, they had to leave us on our own.
But they left us with, I think they left us, they left the neighbor looking after us. Our neighbor next door that we was very close with. So I say close, but we liked them.
They were really, really nice people. So I think we probably stayed, or maybe her mum came around and looked after us, who was my step-nan. Someone did anyway.
And they went off to hospital to have the baby. And then a few hours later, after they left, my nan and grandad turned up to look after us. And they were with us for about three days, three or four days while the baby was in hospital.
Because the baby was born, you know, within a few hours, I think. I'm partially making this up because I don't know the full facts. But I think my little brother was born, you know, fairly quick.
And I think she was quite lucky. She's got, she had an extra large uterus. So I don't know why I'm saying this.
It just like slid out. No problems, no pain. It was just, you know, didn't even realise she'd had a baby.
Just like, it was just, she was sitting there eating some cornflakes. And my dad popped out, he came back. And my little brother was just lying on the bed, sucking his thumb.
She didn't realise she'd given birth. Do you believe any of this? So that was my, I remember visiting, we couldn't visit until I think the day after. So probably went up there on my birthday, probably, to visit the hospital.
Things were a little bit different in the 70s. It was, people, you know, people stayed in hospital a lot longer for things that you wouldn't be in hospital for nowadays. In fact, a lot of outpatient things are done that used to be inpatient things.
You know, so things like having a baby, you can be in and out of in a short period of time, provided everything's gone to plan, you know. But back then, she was in hospital for about a week. I mean, I've seen, I know people have had their appendix out and they're out within about two days.
I was in for at least, what, six, seven days when I had my appendix out. I did milk it. I loved, that was my favourite time of all, that was.
My favourite time of my childhood was being in hospital. That's sad, isn't it? But I loved it. I did have the best time.
And also, I was in love with Nurse Nichols. So that was when I was about 12, though. Anyway, the most important thing, I remember, yeah, I think we spoke to my stepmum on the phone.
And she said to me, this is like first thing in the, I think it was first thing in the morning on my birthday. And she says, happy birthday, Jason. I said, thanks.
She said, your little brother's, isn't your little brother the best birthday present you could ever get? I didn't know what to do with that. I was like, okay, I want to say yes, just to make her feel better. And to her feel that she's done something worthwhile.
I don't know why that's funny. Done something that actually mattered. She meant something to me, which it didn't, I didn't care.
It was a novelty, to be honest. He was a novelty when he first came along. It was like having a pet, really, isn't it? If you have a new brother, it's like having a new kitten or a new dog.
The novelty's there, the novelty wears off. It's like, yeah, I'll take him for a walk every day, promise. And then after three weeks, oh, it's your turn to take him out.
Can't you take him out? So yeah, that's kind of what it was like having a brother. Plus, I'd already had, I've got two brothers already. I knew what to expect, and I didn't see much point in them.
So to have another one didn't seem a lot of, there was no logic in that, really. My two pointless older ones, what's the point in another new one, a younger one? This is how I used to feel when I was eight. And so I'm on the phone, and she's saying, yeah, it's the best present you've ever had, isn't it? The best birthday present you could ever get.
And I laugh, thinking she's joking. And she said, why are you laughing? I said, oh, no, nothing, no reason. I just thought of a joke that I saw in a Kenny Everett show.
She said, what was it? I said, oh, basically, he was, I don't remember. She said, did you make it up? I said, no, no, it did happen. I forget what it was now.
But you remembered it when you were talking to me a second ago and started laughing. In fact, you were remembering it while I was talking to you about the baby. About baby.
It wasn't the baby, baby. Do you ever see that? Do you ever hear people talk like nurses and stuff? Let's see how baby is today. How's baby? Like what? Learn my name.
My name's Jason, not baby. How's baby? Let's weigh baby. Oh, I bet you're looking forward to baby being born, aren't you? Baby, baby.
I don't know. Do people, what are they called? Not wet nurses. What's the nurses that help pull babies out of, you know, help with that part of it.
The birth part. I don't know what they're called. Baby nurses.
Them, them people. So, are they told to use the word baby as often as possible? Don't forget to feed baby. Like, yeah, I feel like I remember that one.
It's like when you were doing a meditation. They said, don't forget to breathe. You know, I remember saying at times, you know what? I actually interrupted the meditation.
I said, I'm not being rude. I'm 31 years old. I'm 32 years old.
Actually, I'm 32 years old. Not really relevant, the age, but 32 years old. Never once have I ever forgotten to breathe.
And the meditation teacher thought I was being rude. Would, and I said, I'm not being rude. It's just like, I don't need to be told to remember to breathe.
I've always breathed. I've never had to be reminded to breathe. Yeah, I didn't go down well.
But anyway, baby. I said, when are we going to get to see baby? When can I meet baby? When are you bringing baby home? Baby. Anyway, yeah.
So, so she's saying, don't you think that's the best birthday present you could ever have? And I said, yeah, yeah. But seriously, though, she said, what? I'm actually getting a proper present, aren't I? And she laughed. And then I thought, well, you're laughing.
But it doesn't mean that's a yes or a no. I don't know. What does that mean? You laughed at the question.
But does that mean that I'm, it's funny what you, what I said. But I'm not getting a present or that I am getting a present. Because in answer to your question, stepmummy.
You pooing out a new baby, a new brother is not my idea of a good birthday present. It's, it's not, it's not, just not. Never will be, never has been.
If anything, it's an inconvenience. If anything, I think we're all honest. It's spoilt my birthday.
It's took the shine off my birthday. It's definitely taken the attention away from my birthday. And we all know how important the eighth birthday is for a boy.
Eight years old. Oh, is anyone talking about how Jason's doing? Oh, it's Jason's birthday tomorrow. Oh, it's Jason's birthday today.
Oh, oh, no. What are they talking about? Baby. We're talking about baby.
Oh, baby. How's baby doing? Because of course, he didn't have a name yet. Baby.
The new baby. Like, what about me? I used to be the baby. Yesterday, I was the baby.
Now I'm not. Yeah, I've only had a year of being a baby. Most people get like, a few years or, you know, get quite a long time of being a baby.
Of being like, babyish and growing up and being a toddler. I didn't get that. So come on.
The reason I didn't get it is because I was five when I was born. But luckily, my real mum also had a massive... Well, it didn't bother her. The birth didn't bother her.
It's either a fallopian tube. Is it, is that the right word? Fallopian tube or uterus? Urethra. Yeah, she had a large urethra.
So I was, when I was born, it didn't really affect me. Plus, I was tiny. When I was born, I was really very small.
Underdeveloped. Still am a bit, really. Still waiting for parts to grow.
So, my nan and grandad are looking after us. I would talk about, you know, seeing my little brother for the first time. But it was completely unmemorable.
So I won't bother. It's like, how do people get all emotional about babies? As, as, it's all, if it's your own baby, I understand it. But like, as a, as just another brother added on to the ones I've already got, which I didn't want anyway.
I didn't want the ones I had. So I definitely didn't want another one. Yeah, we get the idea, JJ.
Okay. Inconvenience, if anything. Well, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't a special moment.
And, it was like, okay, well, where's my birthday cake? Didn't get to ice it because you were too busy giving birth to that thing. Yeah. I had a birthday cake that was just a sponge with some candles, no icing.
How, how, how, how is that acceptable? How is that in any way? It shouldn't be allowed. I mean, that's neglect, isn't it? I mean, oh, you're having another baby. What about the ones you got? What about us? I know we're not your real kids, but what, anyway, what about my birthday cake? Forget that, that silly little thing you just had.
What about my birthday cake? I had a bit of an attitude when I was eight, didn't I? I didn't come across as very nice, did I back then? Oh, much nicer. I was much nicer by the time I got to 10. To be fair, the next year was all right because I just saw how much strain, not getting any sleep, the effects it had on the parents.
I was like, yeah, I'd get you back for me not having a proper birthday. I think they must have aged about 10 years in the first year of having a baby. It was great.
So, I, none of this is true. I know we went and visited the baby. Went and visited the baby.
I mean, even back then, I thought, you know what? The nurses in the hospital, back then they used to have nurses do the nurse's job. Now they've got care workers, care assistants, care workers doing the nurse's job. The nurses seem to be doing the doctor's job.
The doctors just come and go doing whatever, probably doing the surgeon's job. I don't know. But I couldn't, honestly, it's amazing.
If you go in the hospital now, it's changed so much. No one seems to be getting paid for what they're doing, like the level of what they're doing. The nurses are doing so much more than they ever used to.
The care workers are doing so much more than they ever used to. It's, I mean, I'm pretty sure I saw one of the cleaners doing a heart transplant on one of the patients. Oh dear.
Admittedly, she did get arrested. It was only him with a broken leg. Oh dear.
So that was silly. I figured out, because the baby was taken into this like room with other babies and stuff and and the nurse said, oh, go and get your baby. Go and get baby.
I'll go and get baby. And came in with a cot and this little scrunched up thing, little gargoyle. I mean, the thing is, you know, sometimes you think, oh, no.
But if you actually looked at baby and said to someone, do you know what? That spent the last nine months underwater. You'd believe them, wouldn't you? Because it looks like it spent the last nine months underwater without any air, without any light. I mean, they're basically like little sea creatures that you'd expect to find at the bottom of a big ship.
It's. You know, I mean, if you if you woke up, OK, look, I won't go any further, but just, yeah, baby's horrible looking things. It was there was years ago, there was this baby doll things and they look like babies.
And they were the most ugliest things ever. And the reason and I actually look and I realize like they look like babies, like real babies, you know, when they're first born, all crinkles and just. It's like they haven't become because it's not really because until they're become toddlers and then they become like miniature humans, then they they look like humans almost.
But with huge heads and little bodies. So alien humans, but, you know, gradually they grow into their head, don't they? By the time we get to about seven or eight, maybe nine. I mean, that head's so big and the eyes like E.T. Ridiculous.
The eyes are bigger than the head. I mean, how is that even possible? How can an eye be bigger than the head it's in? I mean, the eyes are definitely bigger than his mouth. His eyes wouldn't even fit in his mouth.
I mean, I'm not I didn't try, but I'm saying it's just such a weird kind of organism and it was a mess. But I started thinking, well, how do you know that this is the baby? Bearing in mind, you're calling more of them baby. No one's got a name yet.
So because this is back in the days when people didn't they'd wait days before giving a name to a kid. I got a name straight away. But I said I did.
I recommended it and they didn't go for it. One one was bastard. But no.
Or another one was you ruined our birthday. But they didn't want that either. They said, that's a sentence.
I said, no, if you put it all together. I said, no, you can't have a word that's really long like that. I said, if you've never been to India, they have they have names that are like longer than the alphabet.
Some of their names. Or Thailand. Honestly, some of the names are so long.
And she said, that's border on racism. I said, no, it's not bordering on me. It's actually true.
Look it up. Look it up. I know that you've lost a lot of blood and a lot of liquid given birth and that.
But I mean, when you put him out, did you put out your own brain as well? Apparently, that's the line you shouldn't cross with your parents. You shouldn't say stuff like that. Oh, dear.
That is so ridiculous what I'm saying today. I don't mean any of it. I'm just in a weird mood.
But yeah, God, he was ugly anyway. Horrible. And I just thought, did they just randomly just just grab the first baby that they see and bring it in? Because they all look the same.
How do they tell the difference? Oh, he's so pretty. Oh, he's so beautiful. My little baby.
No, he's not. No offence, but no. They look, they're just crinkled.
I don't know how to explain. They don't look much different to like newborn mice. There's that look of like little crinkled and or little puppy or little cat.
Like really, you know, newborn when they've got no hair and they're just basically just pink. The difference is with a puppy, they grow very quick and a cat does as well. Humans still look like that.
Still pink and bald. It's no fear. So yeah, babies are good.
It's brilliant. And so happy when he was born. It changed my life.
It did change my life, actually. Because he stayed in the house. Obviously, we had to have him in the house.
I mean, unfortunately, they brought him home. I thought it was just going to be that like send him off for adoption like they did me. But no, they brought him back and he stayed in my dad's room, their parents room for probably about six months.
So I still had my bedroom, which is right next to their bedroom. Now I was tired. I think it used to keep the baby like wake me up and stuff.
So wasn't ideal because it was a small house. There's no way to get away from the screaming. My brothers complained about it.
My dad wasn't happy with it. Eventually sat me down and asked me to stop screaming. So I stopped.
It's a joke in there somewhere. And eventually we had to move out of there because he needed his own room. So he moved out into a big house.
And so that we all had our own rooms. And that's where all kind of went wrong from there really. But that was the nicest house I ever lived in that little house where my nan and grandad then moved in as well.
The weird thing about my brother though, sort of once he sort of developed kind of a likeness to human to human, you know, he kind of had facial expressions and he looked Yeah, he looked human. He was probably a toddler at this point. He's kept exactly the same face the whole life, his whole life.
And you might think, well, yeah, everyone does. Unless you have surgery like no, I look nothing like how I looked when I was a kid. Not even when I was 15.
Not even when I was 812. Not even when I was 20. I don't look the same.
He looks exactly the same. He looks older, of course. And it'd be weird, wouldn't it if he when he was two, he looked 47.
That would be strange. But he's still got the same features still looks the same. Same facial expression.
I mean, he's got more than one facial expression, I'm sure I've seen at least two. So it's ruined my birthday, man. I mean, eighth birthday is supposed to be a special occasion.
But what I did do, I'll give you the next part of the story tomorrow. Actually, I'll tell you about presents and stuff. But on my actual birthday, I did get some golf clubs.
Like a putting set. But there were no crappy thing. These are like heavy, steel golf clubs.
And they were good. They were heavy. They were really like probably about heavy as I was actually.
And I don't remember what else I got. But I think we was in the garden and I was trying to try and enjoy my birthday but things felt like they'd changed, you know. It's almost like I was turned I was turned into an adult.
And I suppose I knew that things were never going to be the same again. Because when you're they came back, they're going to have this little alien with them. They're going to give it all this attention, which as I said, is fun for the first couple of days, maybe three or four days even.
And I don't know how people make make that kind of how to keep the interest up. I don't know. I guess it's just lucky I never became a parent, I suppose.
But they managed to keep interest and it's got to be boring. So, but it's like what it does is just cry, go to the toilet, and cry and sleep and go to the toilet. And sleep whilst going to the toilet.
You know, it's just it's this, there's not a lot of point to them, is there? I mean, if that was a gift, if someone gave you a gift, and that's all it did, pooed and cried and slept, you'd give it back. Say no thanks. Can I change this, please? Could I? Yeah.
Can I have a television? Yeah, yeah, thanks. I'd like something different. This isn't, no, it's not all I ever hoped it would be.
All it does is just cry and poo and sleep. How's that supposed to be fun? No, no, I want to give it back. Okay, well, have you got a different one? Can I do that? Can I exchange it for a different baby when it doesn't make so much noise? And if you've got any that poo a little bit, they don't poo much, you know, just a small amount.
Okay, we'll take it back then. I don't know how long it was before they gave him a name. They didn't like any of my suggestions, as I already said.
Birthday ruiner. So yeah, he ruined my birthday, my eighth birthday. And then, see, it was never, never really, like growing up from then on to the age of 15.
We did celebrate birthdays. And that's the one really, you know, thing I can never take away from my dad and his wife at the time. They really went all out for birthdays, Christmases, things like that really did.
Couldn't ask for more. And what I could ask for more is to not have a baby brother. But I'm going to send him a happy birthday text after after doing this.
I'll just spend the hour slagging him off. But yeah, I will. I will say happy birthday, bruv.
Please don't listen to my podcast. Please, please don't. So many jokes, so many silliness.
Just a bit of ban-uh in it. Ban-uh. Just messing about, that's all.
Nothing serious. Just having a laugh. So yeah, but it did, it did ruin my birthday.
But in reality it did. But it also kind of, it was nice to have my birthday not directly after the day of my brother's birthday. You know, it's nice to have a few, a little bit of time in between birthdays.
So it's almost like there'd be a big celebration for him. And then it'd be a celebration for me on my birthday. But it was kind of eclipsed by him, because he was clearly the most important child in the world.
I was like, okay, if he really is that important, then shouldn't he be? I mean, honestly, it's like he was a second coming or something. I just thought, gosh, this is ridiculous. It means such a big thing.
He can't even read yet. I mean, we don't know if he's going to start preaching and stuff like that when he gets older, healing people. We don't know.
He can't read yet. Or he's still, he's still dribbling. And you know, he won't even eat his food without spitting it out everywhere.
Which I do agree was quite funny that he did that. But yeah, he spoiled my birthday. And I sometimes felt that because we had this like ceremony thing where we'd go into, no sacrifices or anything, just that kind of ceremony.
We'd go into the people's bedrooms and sort of sing happy birthday, all that stuff and give them presents. And it was lovely. It was really lovely.
I don't know I'm just joking about, but it was nice. But I got the sense that everyone was birthdayed out by the end of the 25th. And then my birthday was a 26.
And it didn't seem as if the energy was there. I can imagine it's like going to see someone performing in a theatre, but they're doing two shows, one at five o'clock, and then one at eight o'clock. And maybe feels like you've gone to the last show, the second show.
And they're a bit, they're a bit tired. They're perhaps a little bit bored. Maybe they don't really feel in the mood to do a second show.
Maybe. Perhaps the audience is just that they just wanted to be over and done with so they can go home. I felt a little bit of that lacklustre, sometimes.
But it's all right. That was just from my parents. My brothers, I mean, they were just there because they had to be.
None of us liked each other. So it was a case of like, okay, here we go again. Happy birthday to you.
It's just going through the like, like wrote, wrote, isn't it? Just going through the rock, the whatever. Going through, going through. Happy birthday to you.
It was nicer. It got a bit weird when I got older. I want to kind of hit teenage years.
It wasn't so much like bursting in. Happy birthday. You know, everyone burst in.
It's more like knocking on the door. Jason, knock on the door again. We're going to come in and surprise you with birthday presents.
Are you awake? Are you dressed? Yeah. You got to bed clothes on. Are you? Okay.
We're going to come in. One and a count of a hundred. One, two, three, four, five.
And then they'd come in and they'd be like, oh, surprise. Why pretend I was asleep? You know, it just saves him walking into me kind of looking like I've sitting underneath a tent on a bedclothes over. So yeah, that was good.
Yeah, I liked, I like birthdays. But for me, the main thing about birthdays was the presents. And it always was.
And I'll be honest, that's what it was about. Wasn't really bothered about the attention. You know, having attention on me wasn't always I mean, it was positive attention.
But, you know, throughout the year, learned that I try and stay in the background. Don't want attention on me. Because then you don't know what's going to come up.
Don't know what we know what subjects going to be risen. So I just like, okay, it's yeah, I like it. But let's just focus on something else now.
While I play with my new toys. Yeah, I did like I like getting gifts. That's what birthdays are about.
Yeah. It's been a long time since I don't. Yeah, I have had presents, but it's hardly I mean, I've got two birthday cards that I've been given, which is nice.
So I've received those Thursday, I think. And that's for my dad and my brother. And that's it.
So two birthday cards for this year. It's not that I want 1000s, but you know, a couple of hundred would be nice. Just a couple of hundred.
Even 186. You know, I don't want much. And this is a 50 pound note in each one as well.
You know, apart from that, I don't want much. No, no, I do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And that I do believe is me talking a bunch of rubbish for about 75 minutes. And I don't know what I've talked about. So happy birthday little brother.
That's all it is. Happy birthday to you. 47.
It's amazing. It's great. He's the thing is, you know, all seriousness, my little brother's, you know, good bloke.
He's, yeah, he's a good one. So yeah, I wish him well. After all that, blimey.
I'm gonna go. Oh, I could eat, I could eat an omelette. I could really eat an omelette right now.
So I'm gonna go. Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy.
Lots of love. Bye.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.