(music) Whisper Thursday LMBYTS #1400 Jason Newland 31st July 2025

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland, yes it really is. This is Whisper Thursday, I don't know why, don't ask me why. But that's what this is, for some reason I just got out of bed and I'm making a recording.

I don't know why, don't ask me why, I'm just doing it. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I don't know if my voice is still a bit croaky, it might be.

I think today is Thursday the 30th of July 2025. Unless it's the 31st, it's one of them. It's the last day of July 2025, yes, yes it is.

So the latest, the latest is Uncle Sausages has been officially moved into a nursing home. And according to another visitor of his, it's a lovely place and the staff are great. So depending upon COVID results when I do a COVID test later today, I'm going to go up and see him.

That would be weird, I still can't get my head around the fact that last time I saw him, he was chatty. Okay, he was, right he wasn't his normal chatty self, he hasn't been like that for a while. But he was still talking and he was still had energy and he's, you know, and now he's nothing, he's just asleep.

So I've not seen that version of him apart from when I did, I mean I did see him asleep but that was weird. Because he's, he's the biggest chatterbox you'll ever meet. It's very strange to see someone that vocal, that quiet, very unusual indeed.

Had some strange dreams, I was at this boxing gathering and it was full of boxers. And me, don't even know why I was there, but it was very, very alpha male behaviour. So it's, I was kind of out of, out of place as it were.

Because I don't think I've had any testosterone in my body for, that sounds wrong doesn't it? Well I mean I don't, I don't think I've got any, I don't think there is any testosterone in me. I think there used to be when I was younger. But, but technically if I'm going bald, if I'm, if my hair is sort of receding, isn't that a sign that I'm like a, a really, a pharaoh?

I don't know, in my case no.

No, no, no, no, no. Yesterday I spent a few hours tidying through Uncle Sausage's flat. Putting stuff into bags and the council have now taken hold of the flat.

And I'm trying to find any of his personal items, you know like pictures and things like that, photographs. Anything that might mean something to him. And just, you know, finding that stuff before the council come in and just destroy everything.

Which is what they're going to do. But what I've done in the process is, I've made the council's job really easy. Because at least, probably 60% of his belongings are now all backed up.

All stuff that they're going to chuck out, all backed up. So, if I chucked out, I put stuff on, you know, outside and I've also filled his kitchen with stuff. I think, I think yesterday, because his other next of kin asked me to find a couple of personal letters with some information on that she needed.

So I did that and I took a photocopy, well I took a photograph and I sent it to her. So once I was in there, I thought, maybe I'll just get on with this and get a bit more done. And, I don't know, I think, I think I was starting to enjoy doing it for some reason.

Perhaps it was the focus. Because I need to tidy up my own home. It's not like that, but it's still, it's getting overcrowded, isn't it? I need to, just have a little tidy up.

I'm definitely moving towards the idea of minimalism. Minimalist. Pretty much owning no belongings.

Apart from maybe just a TV on the wall, that's it. And some clothes as well. So I've got these books.

I don't have much belongings really. Oh, here's a funny thing. I've got the letter from PIP, which is the Personal Independence Payment.

Benefits, so they're reviewing me. So I'll have to go through that now. Yay.

Which will be, which might mean I'll, well, we'll see what it means. It's like the old saying, isn't it? When one toilet flushes, another one needs flushing. I don't know what that means.

So yeah. Finny jumped up when I woke up this morning. Well, about 20 minutes ago.

Jumped up. And I thought, he must be hungry. So got him some food.

No, not interested in food. He's just lying next to me asleep. Or listening probably.

Yeah, he's listening. Yeah, one of his ears has poked right up. Are you listening, Finny? Yes, he's listening.

I had someone knock on my door at 9 o'clock last night. And I went to bed about 8. I had an early night, I just, just had to. Someone knocked on my door at 9 o'clock.

So I, Finny started barking. So they didn't just press the doorbell, which I wouldn't have heard. They had to knock.

Loudly as well. So, I come out of my bedroom, I'm shouting, who is it? And it was one of my neighbours. Not, not local neighbours, but someone lives round the corner.

I said, what do you want? I said, I'm in bed. As far as I'm concerned, that's enough. I said, I'm in bed.

Then she said, okay, never mind, bye. But I'm getting questioned, why are you in bed? What the f... What's it got to do with you, why I'm in bed? I'm an adult, I've chosen to go to bed. I do not answer to you.

I'm in bed. Oh, you cannot answer the door? You cannot open the door? I've got COVID. Oh, you've still got that, have you? Yeah, because I just told you I've got it.

Why? I said, I'm going back to bed now. And then, Vinnie would not leave the front door. Because he wanted to go and say hello to the person who was out the other side.

I said, Vinnie, come on, come on. And he ignored me. He literally superglued his feet to the floor near the front door.

So I'm like raising my voice a bit, come on, Vinnie. And the neighbour starts talking to me, what's that? Because she must have heard me say, come on. No, I'm talking to the dog.

It's like, what are you doing bothering me? I'm a little bit grumpy when I'm in bed. If I'm disturbed. Which is most of the time, to be fair.

But it's usually just because Vinnie hears something and starts barking. For example, there's this cat. And someone thought it would be a really good idea.

The owner of the cat, I'm a mate, yeah, I'm pretty sure. They thought it would be really clever. Really funny and really, I don't know, super intelligent.

To put a little bell. So it's got a little bell on it. On their collar.

On this cat's collar. It's very faint, I can hardly hear it. But Vinnie goes nutty every time that cat walks in the garden.

It's like, you. Bastard. They don't think.

They don't think. Oh, look, it'll have a little bell. I mean, maybe if you're right close to it, you can hear it.

Quite loudly, I don't know. But this one hears it from a mile away. And he goes bananas.

Not really a lot I can do about it. Except moan. Not really been concentrating on anything lately.

You know, just skipping through TV. Not necessarily. Yeah, my focus has been a little bit.

A little bit wobbly. My mental focus. I'll be honest.

There's part of me. There's a large part of me that just does not want to go and visit Uncle Sausages. Because I don't want to see him like that.

But I also know that I need to. It's important to do it. And I do want to visit, and I do want to see him.

I don't know, hold his hand, maybe. You know, the theory. I've read in theory that hearing is the last thing that goes.

So although he's got his eyes closed, he can still hear me. But. Just thinking if the roles were reversed.

And I was there. With my eyes closed, not able to really do anything. And he was my visitor.

And he was talking non-stop about sport. I'd be wishing for my hearing to stop. Wow.

I'd be shouting internally. Shut up. I'm trying to sleep.

I think I just heard a squirrel sneeze. How strange. By the way, I'm not going to be doing these.

Well, I've got no plan of doing these whisper daily things. I don't even know why I'm doing one today. All I know is.

I am. I am, I am, I am. It's very peaceful.

It is early in the morning. It's about twenty to four. But then I went to bed at eight.

So it's not really, you know, that early. I spent most of the day in bed. As I had done the last week.

A lot of time asleep. But last night. I was just agitated.

I didn't want to be in bed. But what did I want to do? I don't know. I've only been making one recording.

The last three times I've made. Or the last two times rather. That I've made a new recording.

I've just done one version. Which is without music. And that's a temporary thing.

It's just because I can't. I don't know. It could be laziness.

Lack of. Motivation. It could be anything.

But once the recording's done. I'd much rather someone else. Do everything else.

Rather than me. Having to edit it. And then do different versions.

And make it an image. Blah, blah, blah. Hand it over to an assistant.

That'd be nice. I could hand it over to an AI assistant. But then there'd be no gaps.

In speaking. It would just be. Blah, blah, blah.

That'd be it. Which means it would no longer sound human. Or I will no longer sound human.

And that's how a lot of videos and. Podcasts and stuff are done. They're edited.

Automatically. So the person. Really doesn't have to do much at all.

But I just think that's the difference. Between what I do. And what.

Others do. Is. Okay.

I lost my train of thought there. I don't know what the difference is. What other people do is good.

And more popular. What I do is. I don't know.

I don't even know what I do anymore. These recordings used to be about. Hypnosis and.

Helping people with chronic pain or. With anxiety. Sleeping or things like that.

I'm not quite sure what's happened to them. It's just ended up being like a. An audio diary. I think the.

These last. Six weeks. I'm not I don't think I know.

The last six weeks. Had quite a profound. Effect on me.

It's really got me thinking. Got me thinking about my future. It's got me thinking about my present as well.

How am I living my life? Do I want to live my life this way? Am I wasting my time? Which is. Just such a wrong thing to do. I believe.

Just to waste. Wasting my years. What am I not doing that I could do? What am I doing that I shouldn't be doing? What am I doing that's worthwhile? What am I doing that's meaningful? What am I doing now that's going to affect my future life? Both positively and negatively.

How long do I have? And I don't mean that negatively. I just realistically. What do I want to do at that time? So yeah, it just got me thinking.

What changes are required? For me to move forward. In a way. That doesn't mean that I'm just.

Repeating my behavior. I still want to. Make a difference.

Make a change. I still want to help people. But I started to wonder.

What about myself? Do I want to still be living. This lifestyle. Where I have to save up.

If I want to get myself some new glasses. I have to save up if I want to go to the dentist. Or if I want to take Vinnie to the vet.

Nothing there in an emergency. You know, it's just. Is that what I want more of? Do I want to still be looking at these walls? In 10 years time.

I don't know. Questions, questions, questions. This is very meditative.

Me sitting here with my eyes closed. Focusing on the silence. The temperature of the room.

The calmness. There's a certain sense of clarity. That I have when I'm just going out of bed.

If I'm not tired. Which I'm not. Now I'm not saying that I couldn't go back to sleep.

Because I could quite easily. But I'm not tired in a way that I would be. If I'd only had a couple of hours sleep.

And I was trying to force myself to be awake. For whatever reason. And I kept drifting off.

Mid-sentence. Yeah. I'm going to go and make myself some ready break.

For breakfast. Yeah. I'm going to go.

Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself. Because you do deserve to be happy.

Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to feel safe. Lots of love.

Bye.