(no music) #11 Hitch Hiking - SLEEPY Boring Objects (Jason Newland) (28th September 2021)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Boring Objects. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes because you might get bored during this boring recording and when you get bored you might find that your eyelids also get bored and when your eyes and eyelids get bored they tend to want to close and you know if you're a pilot or something you probably don't want your eyes to close mind you you might not be at work you might be at home but you know because pilots don't work all the time do they or a lorry driver you know

you don't want to be closing your eyes generally the whole point of this you know only close your eyes only close your eyes only close your eyes when it's safely when it's safe to listen to this recording you know what I mean so the point of this podcast is to bore you so that your mind slows down maybe switches off and you can relax deeply physically emotionally and maybe if falling asleep is something that is required you may find as you relax do you start to just drift into a lovely

dreamy state now I think what I what will I talk about today hitchhiking that's going to be my object now I know it's not necessarily something you can hold in your hand but you do use your hand to hitchhike or the thumb so I mean hitchhiking isn't something that's I don't think it's done so much these days I had a bit of a bad rep I think but when I was younger because I'm about 93 now so when I was a young man I used to hitchhike I did it a

few times and the first time I hitchhiked was when I was 16 and I was out with a friend we were drunk and this is probably 11 o'clock in the evening the pubs had shut and he decided he wanted to go to visit his girlfriend his girlfriend lived about 40 miles away and I remember saying to him how are we going to get there and he said I don't know and I said well we can't walk it really can we he said we're not I said because it's too far away

he said how do you know it's too far away I said well anywhere is too far away if it's out of town and there's no buses and there's no trains neither of us can drive he said I can drive I said okay we'll use your car then shall we I haven't got a car well okay so where's your driving license I haven't got a driving license but you can drive yeah how I learn it off television huh yeah jukes a hazard okay fair enough so we are stuck we can't get

there by car because we don't have a car we can't get there by train we don't have a train we can't get there by bus and you know unfortunately I forgot to bring out my private plane so we can't do that either he said you got a private plane have you I said no I was being sarcastic he said why do you use words you can't spell I said let's just shush so trying to be strategic what we're going to do how we're going to get there but there was no

way and then he said why don't we hitchhike hitchhike yeah I said what what do we need to do that just your thumb yeah we need the rest of our bodies as well won't we I mean my thumb doesn't come off I don't know about yours he laughed and so we decided in our drunken state to hitchhike and that's what we did but we seem to spend most of the night walking and one thing I noticed is being on the motorway we was on the grass we weren't actually standing on

the motorway of course we were on the like the embankment and the grass and you know in a safe space but the lorries first of all the lorries were driving fast and every time they went past they seemed to almost drag us into the road because the I don't know the pressure or almost like we're being sucked off not sucked off sucked sucked in not sucked off by the lorry but sucked in by the lorry and I only weighed at 16 I was probably about 35 pounds so I didn't weigh

much in fact I had to wear heavy boots so I didn't float away it was very light like big space big metal space boots and he's we sort of just I said to him first of all the lorries can't see us he said do you know I said well we need to do something we didn't have mobile phones back then so we couldn't turn the light on or anything to sort of catch the attention of a lorry driver heading our way and so in the end we had to walk and

walk and walk until we finally found a part of the motorway that was actually lit and it was a lay-by so we went there there was actually a lorry already in the lay-by and we went up to ask him and you might think why are you saying him why would you assume it's a him well this was 1986 and there was three female lorry drivers in the world back then and we went into the it's a lie probably but it was predominantly men fact thank you very much thank you very

much and it's different now this um it is now seven I don't know it's still predominantly a man a man's not a man's job but still predominantly held by men don't really know why but uh I guess it's just I suppose it's uh people that work in laundrettes are usually female again a fact and I've been in every single laundrette in the country and I've not seen one man working in one not yet and that took me 15 years to accomplish just for that one fact so I'm very studious and

I like to put a lot of effort into these recordings I hope that that is recognized thank you so we went up to the lorry driver that was already there and had a little peek into the cab he was busy so we didn't want to disturb him for what he was doing so we went back and stood underneath where it was most lit up and we put our thumbs up now when I was 16 I really believed that putting my thumb up in the air would automatically result in a lorry

or a car or a van or anyone driving on a motorway or any other kind of road to automatically see my thumb and think oh I must pull over and help them didn't seem to work that way and I couldn't understand but then a few years later I was on the motorway in a car and I saw a hitchhiker and something occurred to me that really really surprised me opened up my eyes to one of the problems that hitchhikers actually have is we're going quite fast and as we was driving

towards these hitchhikers I'll be honest with you I couldn't actually see I couldn't see their thumbs so we weren't sure if they were hitchhikers or not because that's the one telltale they had their thumbs sticking up I mean it's not always the case it could just be they're just saying hi but probably the chances of that is probably 50-50 I know there are a lot there's a big group of people around the world they're called the high club and they actually just travel around motorways with backpacks just putting their thumbs

up to people um the first member the first member of the high club was the Fonzie so so um we're just standing there waiting and waiting and waiting and eventually eventually the a lorry did pull up we got in and I think he took us I'm not sure if we had one or two lorry rides but we eventually ended up where we were going and I remember what I think one of the journeys the the lorry driver was talking to us about something but I can't remember what I think he

might have been I think he was actively interested in pottery so he wanted to talk about pottery but I only I only completed the first two years of my pottery degree and I didn't feel I felt like I knew and knew quite a bit but not quite accomplished enough to match his enthusiasm so I just kept quiet and eventually we arrived at the town we was going to sort of meet his girlfriend and it was I think probably five o'clock in the morning and we had nowhere to go there was

nothing open this you know those were the days before things being open 24 hours a day so there's no no cafeterias or no pubs or those like I don't think there's that many pubs that are open at time in the morning but I'm trying to think of some place that would be open at that time in the morning five o'clock in the morning I think even the public toilets are closed I didn't get that why why'd they close them I mean how are you ever supposed to meet anyone new if

they closed the public toilets but I just in my memory we were just walking around and although it wasn't cold it wasn't winter it was summer I think even in the summer it's cold at five o'clock in the morning apart from when it isn't not five o'clock in the morning but when it isn't cold it's cold but when it isn't cold it's okay but there's not many not many mornings like that during the summer where it's just really nice like all night and I think you notice that I noticed it

more when I was camping at different occasion by the way I wasn't camping at this time or now even oh this is in the past and most things are I suppose aren't they but I was camping and lovely during the day in the evening or like during the night I had icicles growing off my anus it was honestly it was so cold so um we were cold and what we did in the end is we found a like a block of flats and we just went in there there was no

security door we just went in and went to sleep on the stairs I think after that we went and maybe got something to eat at a cafe had a breakfast or something and then he went and saw his girlfriend who was on her way to school and I can't remember if she spoke to him or not and then that was it and then we came back I don't remember how we got back it might have been by train or by coach or by bus it wasn't by plane because I said

I left my private plane at home my private jet is uh I couldn't take it out because it had a puncture so I don't know how we got back but we did get back because well I I'm not still there we definitely got back I can't remember how we didn't hitchhike we thought about it but I had a sore thumb I thought well if I didn't stick my thumb up how are they gonna know I think he did I thought he did so well I could put my thumb up I

said yeah but I think um I think my thumb is better no it's not mine is and we we argued a little bit and I thought well it'd be it'd be such a shame to ruin um an amazing friendship over a thumb so I just let it go I'm still a bit angry about it if I'm honest I still feel that my thumb was better um I mean that's 70 years ago but I'm still still a little bit agitated by it I'll be honest at the time I've never been so

angry but it's okay I mean they say time is a great healer but for that it wasn't for that and my thumb I'm not showing off but I have quite an exquisite thumb look at it now I can't look at my thumb without feeling a big raging sense of pride it's the only part of me I really like I mean if I had my way my whole body would just be one thumb one big thumb I don't know if you heard the lady outside going hmm we call her phlemmy she's

in the garden phlemming up it's lovely lovely oh how attractive phlemmy she doesn't know she's called phlemmy yeah it's okay surprised you think you'd know her name by now wouldn't you it's a bit of a cruel cruel name to give your kid so I the next time I went to the hitchhiking world of life was I ran away from home and I think I was probably 17 now officially I was already living on my own anyway but I was staying with my dad for a while and he we had an

argument and he just annoyed me so much that I thought no that's it I'm leaving and I did I did a carrier bag with some biscuits and some it was a hot day so I got some suntan lotion for my thumb and decided to go hitchhiking to get out of the town because I didn't have any fare for buses or anything I decided to go to London and be homeless yeah I made some really good decisions when I was a teenager I said I want to go I want to be

I'm gonna go and live on the streets that'll teach him for moaning about me not doing the washing up so I that's what I did I walked down the motorway again and I didn't get any lifts and I kept walking and walking and walking for about five hours and then I realized that I was hungry and I'd already eaten all the biscuits and worse than that my thumb was starting to get dry I'd used all the suntan lotion I didn't realize there's only a little bit left I put a little

bit on my bald patch now you might think bald patch you were 16 it wasn't really a bald patch but I like to pretend that I had a bald patch it's one of the things I used to do when I was a teenager I like to pretend that I was elderly so I'd like pretend I got a bald patch sometimes I'd walk around bent over with a walking stick and stuff I just I don't know why it was it's kind of like a hobby of mine that'll explain why I've got

such back problems now irony hey okay so I'm standing there thinking oh I might as well just go home and hitch so that's what I thought I'd hitch home maybe I'll get a lift back and I did luckily I got a lift to back home again they stopped stopped and said hello dear I said hello like what are you doing standing out here I said I'm hitch hitchhiking they said oh we weren't sure we weren't sure if you were just saying hi to us I said no no hitching I'm definitely

hitching did you like to get in I said okay so um I put the zimmer frame in the boot and then got in and I said you take me just like where where I was going I said I'm going into town and they asked me where have I been and I said I said I've been to Yarmouth once went to Wales on holiday a couple of times as a kid camping they said no no just now where have you been today I said oh okay um I was running away they

said why I said because my dad moaned at me for not doing washing up they said that's not really a reason is it that's the the lady but the man said yeah that is a reason it's annoying being moaned at about stuff like that and she said to him well if you did it properly you wouldn't get moaned at and then they started arguing see what I didn't understand what happened next was a bit weird because they started chucking pies at each other which is annoying well weird on both two

points firstly I didn't know where the pies came from thirdly actually secondly very dangerous when you're driving and thirdly I was hungry what a waste of a pie but eventually they they calmed down and started laughing and tickling each other and stuff very dangerous drivers I'll be honest with you so eventually we got into town they dropped me off I said thanks had a little kiss and a cuddle and then then I came home my dad didn't even notice I was gone here's me I'd left home I was gonna move

to London and be a hermit I've been through all this big whole adventure with the pie flingers and my thumb was very very tender and all he had to say was why isn't the washing up done it's like starting all over again so you know that's that's that story that's the end of that it wasn't really much I did the washing up and then I sat down and watched telly that's kind of the end of that story not really very exciting another time I hitchhiked all the way up to see my step-mom who moved away when I was 16.

I hitchhiked to see her from it was probably 150 miles something like that and it took I think it took 13 hours to get there I had quite a few cars and lorries along the way sort of take me those 13 hours there's a lot of time with me walking and just standing there and when I did eventually get there I phoned her up my step-mom and she came and picked me up in her car I thought I wish I'd have thought of that before I would have just done that

at home but the chances are she wouldn't have probably wanted to drive that distance and she made me pizza and chips for dinner and she said I'm sorry you can't stay because we've got someone else staying over who lives in your town so someone else who lives where I live was staying over for the night so I couldn't stay oh cool no worries and I think she gave me fare to get home on the train drove me to the train station to make sure I got the train I didn't what

did she know I was gonna do hang around so yeah I'll spend all the money on doughnuts and then hitch back no I decided at that time that I wasn't gonna two things I was never gonna visit her again I was never gonna hitchhike again and as far as I know I think that's yeah has been true yeah neither those have happened I never hitchhiked because it was such a haul such a long long day and yeah I didn't didn't do it anymore that was it apart from when I went

to France so on the way to Dover my friends who was driving me there and I was getting I had a tent and I was gonna stay in a tent for a couple of weeks they picked a hitchhiker up and we ended up I ended up going to France with a hitchhiker and we spent about five days traveling through France on foot and hitchhiking getting lorry getting lorries to pick us up cars because he hitchhiked all the way from Nottingham so it's a heck of a journey and then we occasionally

we got trains when we had to or a bus so yeah the whole I never hitchhiked again was false sorry about that I forgot and then yeah that was it yeah I don't think I hitchhiked anymore after that I think I was done I think I was hitchhiked or hitchhiked out if you know what I mean no more need for hitchhiking from moi just trying to think any other time have I hitchhiked no I don't think I have no I think that's it whoops my chair clicks it's the the armrest

sometimes when I put my arm on the armrest which is kind of what it's for isn't I guess it the armrest moves because it doesn't happen with my left arm but my right arm is so much stronger and heavier and probably three times more muscular than my left arm for some reason and it seems to put a lot of weight and pressure on the armrest and then it sort of the armrest goes oh or sighs like oh not again he's putting his arm on me again and I do and then

it just like oh and it moves in protest I don't know why so that's that's pretty much my boring objects talking about hitchhiking and yeah there's nothing else really to say and I realize it's not really a boring object just a boring subject to take care thank you for listening and I'll be back again another time