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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Boring Objects. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Today I'm going to talk about haircuts.
I've had quite a few haircuts over the years. In other ways, my hair would be really long. Probably unmanageable.
Possibly a health and safety issue. Because I imagine if I had never had a haircut, my hair would really get in the way of things. I'd probably trip over my hair.
And because I've got such curly hair, it may knock people off their bikes when I walk down the street. Because my hair sticks out like a curly toilet brush. Which is part of the reason why I have my hair cut.
Because otherwise it would keep growing and nobody deserves to see that very curly. In fact, when I was in my early 20s, I used to have long hair and I had to keep it in a ponytail. Otherwise, no one else was able to work in the same room as me.
Because my hair took up so much space. Sometimes it used to try and escape out of a window. Someone once told me that they thought that my hair was a triffid.
And I remember saying to him, what's a triffid? And he said to me, a triffid is an alien plant that grows very big and attacks humans. And I said, my hair has never attacked anyone. And he said, I'm not saying that your hair has actually attacked anyone, but it looks like it might do.
I said, wait, just there. I apologised for speaking so quickly, but I was angry. In fact, I don't think that I've ever been so angry.
And he said, that's okay. We all get angry at times. So, what are you angry about, mate? I said, well, you compared my hair to an alien plant that hunts humans.
And I don't think it's fair to compare my hair to an alien. So there. And he said, that almost rhymed.
And I answered, I noticed that. Yeah. So is that us done now? He asked.
I said, well, what do you mean? He said, is that the end of our conversation? I said, well, I guess so. Unless there's something else about me. That you wish to ridicule.
He nodded his head and put on his trousers. And quickly exited the restaurant. And when I thought that he was gone, he poked his head through the window and shouted to me, you know what, mate? I said, I don't.
And he said, it wasn't really a question. It was just the beginning of a sentence. And I said, whoops, sorry for interrupting you.
I didn't realize that you were planning to say more words. He said, yes, I really was prepared to say more. So I took the loaf of bread out of my mouth and put it back onto the table next to me, which didn't seem to be appreciated by the people eating there.
And I turned around and spun very quickly. But unfortunately, I didn't transform into Wonder Woman. But luckily, I was wearing the costume underneath my waiter's uniform.
And just as I was ready to have it out with the rude customer, my phone rang, ring, ring. There seemed to be some kind of delay. And when I answered the phone, the voice on the other end said to me that when I'm in a field with my hair out of the ponytail, the astronauts can see me from Mars without a telescope, which seemed slightly unlikely.
And cruel, because I can't help how my hair is thin. One day, my whole life changed when I was introduced to a big pair of sizzles. Because up until that point, I didn't realize that my hair could be cut.
So I wrote a poem about it. But I've forgotten where put the poem.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.