(Overnight Voice Only) Embarrassing Moments | Monday’s Sleepy Boring Objects | #1656 Let Me Bore You To Sleep | 3rd August 2026

Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name's Jason Newland. Please only listen when you can.

Safely, safely close your eyes. The time is one minute past one o'clock and it's Monday the 3rd of August 2026. 2026? Whoa! Really? Yeah, more like August.

Really? Already August. I remember when it was July. It seems like days ago.

So, um, what is Let Me Bore You To Sleep? What does it represent? What does it mean? What's it all about? And also, why do people shout when they're on the phone? I've got a neighbour in the garden shouting. I assume they're on the phone because they just said bye, bye, love you, and no one said love you back or bye. I couldn't hear anyone else there.

Unless the person she's speaking to just doesn't like her, but that's unlikely, isn't it? Um, why shout when you're on the phone? It's like, isn't that kind of the point why we have phones? So we don't have to shout anymore. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't know. It just just seems a bit silly.

A little bit silly. I don't know, like going to the bottom of the garden, doing a big poo in a bucket, and then carrying it all through the house, and then pouring it into the toilet and flushing. I mean, technically, it's nothing like that.

But you know what I mean? Like, it's kind of, or, hmm. I tell you, it reminds me of something. I went to France in 1989.

And we literally were, me and my my new friend at the time, were were pretty much hiking, hitchhiking, walking through the Alps in France. And we got, I think we got two really long bread rolls, you know, the stick rolls, and bottles of water, to save money. That's all we had for pretty much the whole day, like from early hours of the morning till about eight at night.

And then when we got to the next destination, which I think was possibly Paris, but when we got to the next like town, we booked into a hotel, or bed and breakfast, or whatever. And then we went to a restaurant, and spent loads of money on a meal in a restaurant. Now, admittedly, that was probably one of the best meals I've ever had.

It was a pizza, just for just point out what kind of food it was, but it goes so hungry. But also that bread, that breadstick was the best breadstick I'd ever had as well. But they did ask if we wanted bread with the meal and I, no, you're right.

No, we breaded up. Until you realize that actually pizza is mainly just bread, isn't it? But it's a different version of bread. Bread, bread, bread.

So what is this podcast? Um, I don't know, it's number 1656 1566. So I've been doing it a while. I think it was March 2018.

I started this particular podcast. What is it? What was it supposed to be? Because I think what it's supposed to be has changed. Because originally, it was, I think it was supposed to be just me talking and then leading into a slow, sleepy, relaxation, hypnosis session.

That was kind of the idea. And somewhere along the line, I lost my way. Now somewhere along the line, it sort of transformed into something all of its own.

Without me really doing anything. I've not purposefully tried to make it a certain way. I just talk about my life and exaggerate a bit.

Whatever the opposite to exaggeration is a bit. Do a little bit of fluff here, a little bit of puff there, a little bit of wing, wong, wang, you know, all kinds of different things. And I don't know what it is anymore.

All I know is my left eye's hurting today. It wasn't earlier. I don't remember.

I haven't banged it. So I've kind of gotten like an eye ache. Which I haven't had for ages.

It's usually due to eye strain. But I haven't really felt like I've had eye strain in a long time. Ever since I got my new glasses.

It almost feels like I've been like I've banged my eye. I haven't. I'd remember that, wouldn't I? Yeah, I'd remember that.

I was just saying, let's say, well actually, yeah, I banged myself on the wall while I was asleep. I mean, I did once kick the wall and broke my foot. Well, it's true.

There's still a dent in the wall. And dreaming that something was chasing me. And then I turned around.

I realized, if I turn around and kick it, the velocity or whatever, the force of it coming towards me, and then me going towards it and kicking, would be a good thing to do. It would like, stop the thing, whatever it was. I don't know if it was a dog or if it was a munchkin.

I don't know. But it did the job. And I woke up.

And I couldn't believe the mess. It's like, wow. I didn't just tap.

I fully on kicked the wall. Full on kicked it. I think the dent is really from my toenail, really.

My big toenail is why the dent is there. But I couldn't walk properly for a couple of months after that. And my whole, most of my foot, apart from the, basically only the big toe, the second one to the big toe, and maybe the third one.

And then the top of my foot was blue and black and green and yellow, all kinds of, it's weird. Apart from that, it was quite good. I absolutely, thoroughly enjoyed it.

But I don't want to do that again. And then ironically, I broke the heel later on in the year, trying to stop my door from closing. And the door, we've got these really, really heavy fire doors on all the flats now.

They were put in a few years back. And it was, I don't like my door slamming. And they're built to slam, because the idea is they always stay closed.

And they're very heavy. So I had something in my hand, I don't know, shopping or something. And I was trying to stop the door from slamming.

And it slammed right on my heel. Now I was wearing my, yeah, I was wearing these, or the old ones, the Crocs. So my heel was out of them when I did it.

It's a really silly thing to do. I mean, if I'd have done it, I've done it before with my shoes on and, you know, it's banged my heels a bit. But this was like a bare heel.

Oh, again, I couldn't. I mean, this was October, November, three years ago. Because it was weird, because Luke, my friend downstairs, he wanted me to go to the petrol station with him.

And I said, I couldn't. And he kept going, come on, come on, I want you to come with me, or come and go instead of me, then we'll at least come with me. I said, I can't.

I can't walk with my foot like this. And he was moaning. I said, look.

And I just reminded him that he had the same thing. But with his leg, he had, I don't know what the heck it was in his leg. But he had to have treatment on it.

He had like a, not septic, but his leg went weird, really weird. And he couldn't walk on it for months, really, not properly. And I don't know if it was, what's that called, the veins? I know veins are called veins.

But anyway, whatever it was, his was serious. Mine wasn't. Mine was just an accident.

But still, I couldn't walk around. I hobbled to take Vinnie out, and I stuck to the garden if I could. I remember him just, the look of disappointment on my friend's face.

The look of disbelief as well. How can you let your foot get in the way of you going out? Will you let your leg get in the way of going out? In hindsight, it was a different thing because his was medical, but I still couldn't walk. It was like, oh.

So yeah, it's really weird. During that short period of time, the two years previous to him leaving, I broke my foot twice, like my toes. I broke my foot twice, like the top of my foot with my two, my big toe and the one next to it at least were busted, and my foot, the top of my foot.

Then I did my heel. I also broke two toes when I jumped out of bed because there was all this shouting downstairs, and I'd get up, like, oh, what's going on? And I banged my foot against the, it's like a, well, I don't have it anymore, but it was a steel exercise bench, one of those really heavy ones. It's about as heavy as I am.

It was really heavy, and I smashed my foot on it and broke some toes. I also fractured, and I broke my rib and also fractured my back twice when I fell down the stairs, all in like a couple of years. Look at that easy.

Weird, isn't it? All just, just, and all of them through accidents. Before that, I did break my hand a few years, a couple of years earlier. I did fall out of the bath and break my wrist when I first moved in here, but that was 11 years ago.

I hadn't been in a bath for, I mean, literally everywhere I'd lived, it had showers. There, the last place I lived in before moving here, the place before that, and the place before that. So the last time I had a shower, that I had a bathroom with a bath that I could get into was 2007.

So what's that? 2007, so eight years, 2007 to 2015. So I've gone eight years without having a bath to get into. So when I got into it, it was, it was slippery and it was weird.

And also I can't fit into the bath anymore. Like to have a bath, I'm just too big, too big to get into a bath. I can sit down in a bath.

You know, technically like sit down, I don't get completely stuck, but I can't, I can't lay my body down. Because even if there's only a little bit of water in it, it still overflows. And it's just not big enough.

I can't, yeah, there's no point. Because if you can't, if you can't get the water over your body, what's the point in using a bath? That's kind of the whole point of having a bath, isn't it? So that the water covers your body. There was a time when, I used to just, I was so slim.

I used to have to wear armbands, you know, those big rubber blow up armbands when I was in the bath, just to keep me safe. So I didn't, and a bit of rope tied, tied around my waist so I didn't go down the plug hole. I wasn't that slim, but generally, it used to be lovely.

I could practically go for a swim. Not anymore. I'm like a hippopotamus trying to fit into a sink.

That's what it's like. I did actually speak to the OT, Occupational Therapist, that's it. I think it was last week, regarding getting a, the bath taken out and having like a wet room or something like that.

A shower, wet room, because I can't get my leg over the bath. So to have a shower, I'm uneven. I'm not really very balanced when I'm using the shower.

We've got a shower in the bath as well, like against the wall that's been there since I moved in. It's one of those ones where you have to turn on the water, both the hot and the cold tap, and then press down on the knob in the middle, the metal knob, to kind of have them both spray out and it can be either too hot or too cold or just change halfway through, or it's yummy.

But it's okay, you know, it does the job.

I don't know what's harder, getting in or getting out, probably getting out actually. So getting in I'm dry, getting out I'm wet. I don't know why I pointed that out because it's kind of obvious, but unless I haven't actually had a shower.

I suppose technically I could get into the bath with no water in the bath and no shower running, so I could still be dry getting out, but then what would be the point in that? Other than exercise, a really boring exercise. What do you do? I go running. What do you do? I do weights.

I go to the gym every day. What do you do JJ? I get in and out of the bath. Yeah, not that exciting.

So I thought, because I've got two neighbours in this building that have wet rooms and they should have really put one in for my friend Uncle Sausages, but he didn't tell them that he had trouble getting in and out of the bath.

I mean he turned 79 when he was in hospital last summer, so I'm not saying everyone in their 70s had trouble getting in and out of the bath, but I just imagine that there comes a time when it would make more sense to not have a bath, but then the council on the other flip of the flip-flop is they're not probably really thinking about the person that's in the flat now because they know that someone else will be in the flat in the future and they might actually want a bath and they're not going to put a bath in if there's no bath in there.

You know if it comes with a wet room or with a shower then they're just going to be having a shower that's it.

And some people love having baths don't they and they're able they're physically able to get in out and they can fit in a bath without getting stuck. I'm like an octopus it's weird really weird I don't realize why the sides of my back and my back almost turns into like octopus tentacles you know the sucking stuff I just like get stuck.

That reminds me when I was in this shop I can't remember what shop it was and I was testing out the reclining chairs and I didn't realize you could get ones that were electrical and I pressed the button to recline but I couldn't I couldn't get back up again and my feet were practically like facing the wall and not the the roof.

I'm trying to think what's the opposite to the wall. So my feet were I was practically upside down and I didn't know how to get the thing to go back up again so I had to shout for help. Yeah it was a bit embarrassing actually thinking about it.

I thought about something earlier that was really embarrassing but I can't remember what it was. It was something what did I do that was really really embarrassing. It's a long time ago.

Yeah I mean if I mean this is decades ago but I was in work and it was this like little room where we used to have coffee and one of the other lads he left and he said something it was like we were just joking around he said something and what I said in response was at least I didn't mention his mum.

Now it wasn't even that bad because I didn't mention his mum but what he said if I you know I mean it would have been quite funny some people laughed but it wasn't it was just a chuck away line you know and then a voice from the corner of the room said yeah because you just said it to my mum as well. I didn't realize he had a brother working so two brothers working together and then he walked out and I thought oh no so there's all this little gossip going around that I'd upset two brothers that boxed.

They both boxed amateurs you know any amateurs and I'd upset both well I'd upset one of them. Now the one I upset I didn't know clearly I didn't even know he existed.

I'd seen him but I'd never spoken to him the one who left first I got on pretty well with so I thought well I'm not going to wait till the end of the day to find out what happens so I went up to him the one the one that I normally would talk to and I said look this is what happened I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by it please please don't beat me up and he said okay then his brother came over and I said and I said the same

thing to him I'm sorry and they were cool they just needed me well the other one had already heard about it like your brother did tell his brother about it so I didn't realize that as I walked up to him that's all they needed they just needed me to apologize I think I think the other brother the it gets confusing to know and I keep saying the other brother but the second brother the one in the corner that I didn't know is the brother I think he was a bit annoyed

more annoyed than the other one I think the other one found it quite funny the situation rather than what I said the fact that I said that and his brother was in the room and how awkward it was yeah another awkward time was I'd come back from Ireland on a ferry and I spent the entire journey with a female that I met on the ferry we went watched cinema what we know watched a movie together and got on really well I didn't know that she had a boyfriend and at the

end I thought oh this is going really well nothing happened between us there's no kisses no hand holding um and humping so we no hiding in lifeboats reading poetry to each other none of that stuff and as we were pulling up to you know the ferry was pulling up to England Dover is it Dover no it's uh Liverpool I think she said no no it was England to Ireland because it was Dublin yeah so we get to Dublin yeah so we once we get to Dublin and I think it might

have been like coaches from the ferry port to Dublin um station or whatever I don't know and she you know we say goodbye and we just you know that was it I get off bearing in mind that she was part of a coach that I was on but somehow I managed to get kind of separated when we got off the coach okay so I'm I'm ahead of the place and I'm talking to a couple of other people that was on the coach as well and they met up there was a

lot of people waiting for people and two of the people that I was getting off the coach with or getting off the ferry with they were talking about something had happened and I said well I spent the entire journey with this really really fit girl oh she was amazing and so there's three blokes and me and I'm I'm just I'm probably saying stuff I shouldn't but they were laughing okay I was very young and naive at the time and saying how how attractive she was and and they were laughing and

everything and one of the blokes said oh here she is said who's that she said he said my girlfriend and I looked over and it was the woman that I'd spent the journey with walking towards us and I said see ya and I was out of there because I realized that I'd just been talking about his girlfriend to him making him laugh being rude about his girlfriend not rude as in like horrible but just saying cheeky things that's all you know and I realized that within quite a short time she

was probably going to introduce me to her boyfriend oh we spent we watched the movie together and you know because it was innocent to her well it was innocent to me but I was hoping for marriage and kids and stuff with her I was hoping that I'd still be with her now but honestly I've never seen I moved so quickly it was like some kind of superhero movie I was out of there and I got into I found got into a McDonald's and just we just waited to suck it so

I could see the entrance and I just thought no this is this could go bad so I just I escaped and I was like oh my god I've never seen this before I've never seen anything like it it's very weird and I knew I wasn't going to see them again because I was going to a particular part of Ireland and she wasn't I knew where she was going she was going to Galway or something and I was going to Carlo wow that was embarrassing it was embarrassing without anyone else knowing

about it if you know but she must have seen me there I mean literally we'd spent the whole night together was it yeah it was the night we traveled during the night so we spent the whole night together like hanging out and I didn't I don't think they had a bar on there they might have done but I didn't drink anything but yeah it was a nice trip and she was lovely but I had a few relationships like that or not relationships but experiences where I've spent periods of time with

a woman like traveling and almost like we were best friends but nothing happened a similar thing happened on a train journey it was a really long train journey and there was this woman with a I think she had like a bass you know on a big big violin things so she was a musician she worked in an orchestra that was her profession and we just chatted and laughed for hours and then she had to get off and I just wanted to declare my love to her and ask her she'd had

my babies but it didn't seem right to do that you know just like how can you because you've only got a short amount of time between the train stopping and a train starting again it stops people get off other people get on then the train keeps going it's very hard to declare your undying love to someone in that time unless of course it's a movie a nice romantic movie I'm trying to think of other times when I've embarrassed myself oh by the way this is Monday's Boring Objects times I've embarrassed

myself that's what this is um I was another time oh man I was waiting in yeah I got a job in January 1989 working in an office dealing with um lorries it's like a haulage firm but they delivered liquid so like whether it was petrol whatever but it was all kind of chemicals and my job was to work in the office basically just doing everything doing you know doing all kinds of stuff now I won't go into that job because it's that's a whole story of its own but after being

there for probably a couple of weeks three weeks they sent me on a computer course because I was completely completely computer illiterate I'd never used a computer never even touched a computer really even though we had computer studies at school I didn't I opted out of that even though we had a computer at home because my dad being an electrician and being a bit of an inventor himself because he used to do this and that he used to do lots of different things he loved new technology so when it came

to new technology we always had the new stuff whether it was video recorders computers I think he got into the CB radio for a while when that was big that was really for him you know we played around with it but he had that down the bottom of the garden an aerial the size of I think he had to take the aerial down because it was too big it was a huge aerial so he was quite into the trends and we had we literally had the pretty much the first video

game there ever was I don't remember what it was called although we didn't have we didn't keep up with the video games I don't think we ever had an Atari system or anything like that and I'm not sure why but we had the original ones where you pray basically you had a little two little dashes and a dot it was like tennis ping pong or something it was just like like that and it's just very boring it's very boring and but then we did have we had the Atari system so

I think it was a case of you could play games on there is the Atari no the Atari the um there was a really famous lap not laptop like computer system that was really big in the early 80s I can't remember what it's called I played on it and I thought what's the point in this it doesn't do anything you had to you had to like program it to do stuff and that seemed a bit pointless to me to me that was like well we might as well just have a

television with no back just a clear screen and I act out the programs you know what's the point in that besides I won't be able to see myself will I unless I have a mirror in front of me yeah have a mirror in front of me then I act out being a or something it's like no that's that's what it kind of felt like a little bit now my analogies today may not be great that's it that's all I've got to say about that one they may not be great um

so I I played around on the computer and I just did not see the point in it I could see the point of it as a business see I knew that my local uh what's it news agents where I used to deliver papers for when he got a computer it made it a lot easier for him to just print out all the you know who has to what who delivers to what printed it out was easy so I could see that that was a lot easier for people you know and

I could see even when I left school I could see that the tills and some of the newer tills were getting better with the computer systems and stuff however when I went to this job it was all computer I think the main things there like you had the you had desk chair pen but then there was the computer a printer the telex machine in the back I couldn't figure out how to use a telex I struggled with the fax as well I mean it's still I didn't learn to use a

fax until probably about 99 98 because I was working in another office or just helping out and it took ages but eventually I figured it out okay I was taught but eventually I kind of got the used to doing it but I didn't understand why are we using telex it just seemed like there's no better way of doing it than this because this is just to me it felt almost like just one step ahead morse code and I knew a little bit of morse code I didn't I don't know why

I said that an absolute lie I have no not morse code knowledge at all all I know is like beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep I mean the point of morse code is you could communicate just by going beep you don't go beep beep you actually press press down on a thing that makes the sound up because you'd need a microphone wouldn't you if you were literally just going beep beep beep beep beep beep beep and if you do it too much it's going to sound like

uh what's his name's what was this Buck Rogers android um a companion Buck Rogers in the 26th century or whatever 25th century beep beep beep beep book come on book bidi bidi bidi bidi bidi and that was if anyone remembers that bidi bidi bidi bidi what's going on whatever so bidi bidi bidi what's that a new handbook bidi bidi bidi bidi I used to like him what was it titty was I think his name might have been bb tt bb I don't know but yeah I I don't know I don't

I got no I might have learned a bit of morse code in the sea cadets it's one of those things that probably I've never used probably never really needed to use um not that I hoped I'd never use it's a bit like I I know some like basic fire training how to put a fire out basic because I've I've learned it I learned it in the sea cadets and also learned it when I was at college and that and my basic first aid and stuff and with the putting out fires

I've never really needed to use it thankfully and hopefully never will with the first aid I have that was again very basic no actually well yeah I suppose compared to what um ambulance people do yeah it's very basic but I've used the first aid training on quite a few occasions the last few years but that was just like resuscitating someone or keeping them keeping them going until the ambulance gets there but more morse code morse code no never bb bb bb bb bb bb bb no never that and um sign

language that's another one I never learned now I think I think it makes sense as well that all kids because I think it'd be quite difficult now but all kids at school learn sign language but like in we need an international sign language imagine how cool that would be if everybody in the world learn an international sign language which meant we could go anywhere and communicate without having to speak their language now of course sign language isn't complete communication is it it's it's not the same as talking so I do

wonder how must be very it's a different world but then it's going to be a different world isn't it if you if you can't see or whatever but it's got to be I don't know it's just the language because there's so much um vagueness in the spoken language and like sarcasm and the same word meaning different things um it's amazing that whoever invented sign language was able to come up with anything like that but you know what I noticed people that spend a long time together and I'm talking probably maybe

decades they almost seem to be able to read each other's minds I don't mean the minds but like from the facial expressions and the subtle movements and stuff because my step-nan my step-grandmother was in hospital and her husband my step-granddad so this is my step-mum's parents he came in and he sat beside her and they held hands they just looked at each other didn't say a thing and I was just sitting I was just standing there and and I don't know what they were thinking I hope it wasn't like who's

farted because I had just let one go but it's almost like they they were in sync with each other they had a unless it was just they're both thinking the same thing what are you looking at why are you staring at me it could have been couldn't it who knows but they stayed they had a deep there's a deep connection that even someone as shallow as me can recognize there was this deep deep connection that and it was I don't know powerful powerful to see in fact after a while I

realized that I kind of you know when I say read the room I realized that maybe it's time for me to stop tap dancing so yeah it was yeah it was powerful the thing is I at the same time I remember I had a buddhist friend and he said I think I know what you're thinking can you tell me I said no he said why not I said because then you start thinking you can read people's minds and he got honestly he got boy he seemed I think he was insulted

when I said it to him and he said what's why is that a problem I said because you can't read people's minds how do you know right because well unless if you think you might think you can read people's minds but you might need to see a psychiatrist if you really believe that but the best way to go through life possibly is to know that you can't read people's minds and then after that he didn't talk to me for a few hours after that and this was about 2004 I came

to realize and I have done over time that there's a lot of people out there that really believe that they can read other people's minds they really believe that they know what another person is thinking and they don't know they might guess it they might you know sometimes we're going to be right sometimes someone's facial expressions are very easy to read you know if someone's um I don't know for example someone gets like terrified when they see um an octopus doing karaoke or something like that yeah that's what he took

ages to come up with that didn't it I'm not sure if that's creativity or just desperation but so an octopus doing karaoke so someone goes into a club or bar and they do a karaoke night and they see that octopus obviously dressed as a clown and it's just like it's like you can probably guess that that person's fearful you know like okay I can mind read that person no you can't they'll kind of let you know by going you know they didn't need to walk around everybody in the club individually

and said you see that octopus I don't like that it makes me feel just whispering into each person's ear it's not necessary is it it's like the facial expressions the bodily reaction and the verbal high-pitched was enough it doesn't mean you're turning into Yuri Geller or Derren Brown I love Derren Brown makes me laugh because he says right at the beginning I am not a mind reader I am not you know he says I'm not any of these things I cannot tell your fortune I cannot talk to the dead I

mean anyone I can talk to the dead I can I can talk to the dead all the time they don't answer me I mean anyone can talk to the dead make such a big oh I can talk to the dead anyone can I just don't expect a response oh no but I get a response so you imagine you imagine a response no I get a response so you imagine it no I actually went to one of those things years ago I was dating someone that was into that so I went

to their church and they were doing this whole oh is there a is there a Doris here now the place is full of well there's a lot of people in there probably 70s and 80s at this time Doris was a very popular name Eileen Doris Teresa you know you'd find someone with that name if you've got 100 people 100 women you'd probably find at least one person with that name back then so those names it's just like the turn of turn of this like the early 1900s or 2000s or whatever

1901 whatever um Edward the amount of people called William or Edward it's ridiculous they're very and back then doesn't seem to happen as far as I know I might be wrong people used to name their kids after previous I maybe said previous owners after relatives either the middle name or the first name and quite often the firstborn because people would have a lot of kids in the early 1920s and 10s and you know having 12 kids 10 quids quids 10 kids 6 kids 14 kids even it wasn't a net unnatural

it was unnatural but it wasn't unnormal I mean even with my nan and granddad on my dad's side both their firstborn male and their firstborn female had the same name as the parents so I had one uncle called granddad and one auntie called nan so it's oh dear oh come on that was hilarious shut up oh I think it'd be funny if I said it really quick the fact that I'm like taking an hour just to get a sentence out no no no no but they did they actually did name

their kids one was named after him one was named after her and I used to think well wouldn't that be confusing at home but it wasn't because they used to call they didn't used to call each other I think sometimes she'd call him dad and he'd call her mum but I wasn't around then because I wasn't born not that I didn't never saw them I saw them obviously together all together when you know because I was was my dad 26 when I was born so I saw him pretty much when

he was 30 and all my other uncles and aunts together so my oldest uncle would be about 38 at the time with my granddad and nan and they'd all say dad and mum dad to their to their dad that is and mum to their mum and they didn't say mum to their dad woe betide them there was a lot of those kinds of sayings back then that I grew up with that was outdated when I grew up with it so I don't think that my friend's parents would use those terms

yeah I used to hear things like woe betide you I never knew what it meant I mean I kind of started to understand so betide me so that's something that's going to come onto me or that's something that how I'm going to feel and I'll be all woeful I don't know still a little bit confused but other ones I remember my dad used to say if he was going to give me a spank he'd say I told you to dress up as a school girl no he didn't he said I

told you this was last week he said this is going to hurt me then more than it hurts you well don't do it then which is such a stupid thing to say this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you now saying that I only remember one time that my dad gave me a spank I didn't ask him for it and as a kid I'm talking about like not talking about our regular Thursday nights when I was in my 40s that's a weird thing to say isn't it I

don't mean it but the only time is when I lost my little brother I did I lost him and he was wandering down the motorway and yeah my dad was I've never seen him like that before he was absolutely furious and basically he we were out the front I was about to go to the library as I did at the weekends that was my place no one ever questioned that it's really weird I think thinking about it in hindsight no one questioned that I was an avid reader always always reading

a book and at the library a lot like I'd spend my Saturday afternoon at a library and yet my school report did not reflect upon that my school report would you wouldn't think it was the same person the reason the the only difference the only thing that I can think of apart from the fact that I didn't like being there at the the school I wasn't interested in any of the subjects when I was at the library I would study a subject that I loved and I would write out and

I'd search the encyclopedias and I'd write stuff out and cross-reference but I'd be studying vampires and werewolves and stuff like you know whatever subject I was interested in at the time it later became like martial arts and stuff and went through a period when I was really into astronomy but I no one questioned it like how how can someone be so rubbish at school yet be spending all their time or a lot of their time reading books no one questioned it I didn't question it either I literally could not get

through enough books I was reading and reading I'd read stuff I wasn't just because I liked the smell of the book or I liked the cover and hardly any of it was fiction the children's stuff was fiction but with the adult stuff it none of it was fiction I didn't really read much fiction apart from okay when I was like an older teen I discovered science fiction books and there was these yeah they're thick and they the front cover always had a really really scantily clad people on there and it

was a very adult kind of a an adult picture it wasn't like nude but it was adulty and the only reason I came over them is because I was going through all of the I was buying because I bought I bought these books because I realized if I got it from the library I wouldn't be able to return it so I I was going through at the time lots of Star Trek books and I read all the ones I bought I think I bought pretty much all of them and then

in the same section was the science fiction like but fantasy books I mean technically Star Trek is fantasy isn't it but it's becoming more real life as we go I think that's part of the reason I struggled to get into the next generation Star Trek because not only had I watched all the episodes of Star Trek on repeats of course I wasn't alive when they were first broadcast but like very late 70s early 80s they were on I think it was a Tuesday night on BBC two and I used to

watch them and then reading the books as well I felt very like I knew the characters really knew them quite well like Spock and I can't remember the others but you know I knew them really well almost like they were family members can't remember their names but I've really felt close to them and I started noticing these books so I pulled one out because I was trying to get to a to another book and I saw the cover and I thought and my tongue just rolled out of my mouth onto

the floor I was like ah what what is this honestly no one told me about it it was in the adult section of the library so I wouldn't even have kind of looked at it really because I was still a teenager at this time and I think most of those books were in hardback in the library but these were in soft you know softback or paperback them being the fact that it was so thick with like 400 pages put me off a bit it's like oh I'm not going to be

able to take me a year to read that but it's a weird even as a slow reader how fast you can read when you know a juicy bit's coming up it's almost like I don't I can't I'll be honest I'm not sure if I really took much notice of the story I was just waiting for the next um naughty part um now I was I was a teenager so wow I could not believe my eyes were opened because yeah and it's way more it's just like I don't know if anyone's

ever read any of that stuff you'll know what I mean um I don't need I'm surprised it's even allowed really it's so extreme and explicit some of it and I started collecting them it's almost like it was a secret my own little dirty secret because no one else knew they were just books and you couldn't see from the the edge of the book what it was if you took the book out off the shelf and you looked at the front you think uh you know it's like that doesn't look like

a book a child should be reading but when it's actually just the edge bit it didn't didn't really have anything on there and none of the titles really gave it away well some of them were kind of close but yeah so yeah I used to read those so that's that was I used to like reading fiction then I've not really stuck to the the topic of the day have I the old Monday boring Mondays objects I don't know what happened I've got to find some more times when I was embarrassed

and this all started because I was going to talk about going on a computer course and now I ended up talking about naughty naughty science fiction fantasy books I don't know how I got from one to the other so yeah so anyway so I got sent on this computer course embarrassing moments got sent on this computer course it was in where was it I used to know the place but I've forgotten it's the only hotel it's the best hotel I've ever been in Harrogate that's it Harrogate best hotel I think

that was where the head office was of the company I was working for and I couldn't believe it I mean I was still I was 18 at the time I just turned 18 or 18 the previous end of August and this was the January I think maybe February and it wasn't the hotel wasn't near anything there's no shops there's nothing it was just it was on a kind of on a hill and there might have been stuff around but I was only there for I think three days and I got

taken by car to where I needed to go and it's like what there isn't anything here there must have been a town center I just didn't get to see it well the embarrassing thing happened when I had room service in the hotel it was all paid for room service well I guess yeah just room service because because it was food and stuff I wasn't I wasn't drinking alcohol I didn't really drink back then the first night I actually went out with the managing directors for a meal in the hotel and

I don't know how I managed to do that because that wasn't me sitting in a in a restaurant with these people that were high up in a very large company I don't know honestly now I didn't realize I didn't really put the things two things together my dad actually worked for that company a different part of the company but he worked for that company so maybe they knew him and maybe my dad just said can you keep an eye on him can you check he's okay you know because he knew

I'd never been anywhere before I'd never been anywhere on my own like that you know even as a kid when I moved around I was with with an adult so this is like suddenly I mean I'm up north and on my own like what the heck do I do I didn't know anybody no one to talk to and I wasn't on a computer course with anyone else it was just me on my own going along being taught how to use the system there wasn't anybody else there there was because it

was in the offices like where the whole place worked but I wasn't like in a group of people where I could get to know people or anything nothing like that so the second night I thought I'm not going back in that restaurant I'm going to get you know room service I don't want to go back down there it's too many people too busy and I'm not sitting at a table on my own so I get room service I have the dinner and I think okay I better so I'm just relaxing

really relaxed I just basically got my underpants on my socks watching telly it was a big because it wasn't just a there was a bed but there was a sofa in there and everything and a big TV well a TV probably quite big really big hotel room it is the best I've ever been in not that I'm a hotel exquisite connoisseur whatever but yeah I'll be I haven't been in many hotels really these days like well the last 25 years or whatever if I stayed well now probably the last few

decades if I stayed in a hotel it would normally be just not a happy shopper what's it called you know just like a you know it's like a like a named one they've all got names haven't they but I'm trying to think of a hotel hotel in holiday in something like that and they're just all the same I mean they're they're different but they're all pretty much the same I don't like serving myself though yeah don't like serving myself it's not because I'm lazy it might be because I'm lazy though

but it's not because I'm lazy it's I just don't want to yeah it just doesn't it's not doesn't suit me there's a few reasons but I just don't yeah I prefer to have the food delivered to the table and you know on a plate all nice it doesn't have to be neat but just just there so I don't have to get up and queue up and walk around and because you know some people are there they've got a wallet sticking out of the back pocket and it's just tempted just as

you want to pickpocket them but you think no can't do that because I don't want to ruin the weekend and if they catch me and you know it's just like what am I talking about I've never pickpocketed anyone since I left school I used to steal no I didn't pickpocket but at school I used to steal stuff from the teacher so the teacher would go like where's my calculator gone and and then later on I'd go up and speak to the teacher and ask a question it was just just like

a magic trick really like look over there look at my right hand and or look at my left hand and that you not focusing on what I'm doing with my right hand it probably sounds if I do it every way but you know I mean so I'll be like oh look over there there's a dinosaur outside and I'll put the calculator back in their drawer and then I go back to my chair or whatever and someone I'd say miss have you got a calculator and she'd get angry because she'd already

had a go at everyone someone's took a calculator and I say she says obviously you can see it's not here I said have you tried your drawer which he hadn't like ah but it was on my desk well it's not it's in your drawer isn't it but it was on my desk I said and she said yeah it wasn't but I said no it's in your hand so she'd just get annoyed and I do this for various different things you know I remember once she sort of said I went up

there distracted her kind of sat down and she stood up and she's very furious and she said listen no one's going to lunch until my table's been returned my desk and the good old days isn't it hey the good old days anyway anyway so I'm just chilling out I can't remember what I was watching on the telly don't remember because it would have been about probably EastEnders actually I was probably watching EastEnders which would be on about 7 7 30 at that time probably 7 30 because Wogan would be on

first and then EastEnders so I probably had my dinner probably during Wogan and then watched EastEnders just lazing about because you know I don't want to get up until my food started to digest you know I don't want to rush around and I thought what do I do with these plates well it's just basically one plate and a knife and fork maybe a cup as well or something like what do I do with this there might be in a basket with like tomato ketchups and stuff as well so what do

I what do I do with this I thought do I wash it up myself in the sink or in the bath like I do at home or and I thought no wait a minute because I remembered as I was walking in I saw the day before in the evening I think I saw a couple of plates outside people's doors and I thought yeah that's what I gotta do because this is all new to me I didn't know the etiquette of the thing so I went outside the door put the stuff

down I didn't know which side to look so I kind of go out to look and there was a plate over there and as I was looking the door shut so put the stuff down what I didn't realize is the door was locked when the door closed it locked itself and you might think well so why didn't have a key on me and you know why because my underpants did not have a pocket yes my underpants I was standing there outside the door with my underpants and my socks on now

normally that was how I would try and woo a lady you know with my socks on I always kept my socks on and my underpants if I could unless of course I wanted to get a laugh so I'm stuck out there Mr Skinny because I was you know I really was I was very self-conscious of how slim I was at that time I didn't realize that actually being slim can be quite a good thing anyway I did not know what to do I even remember there was a window at the

end and I thought no jumping out the windows a bit bit extreme what what could I do I didn't have anything I didn't honestly just just me underpants and my socks and I didn't like how and I was on I think like third or fourth floor and it was kind of both good and bad that there's no one else around good because I you know I didn't want anyone I didn't want anybody to see me but bad because I couldn't get any help luckily luckily after about 15 minutes so and

I also needed to do a wee as well ideal brilliant someone came up I think it was a cleaner or someone that worked there came upstairs and they did laugh but it's you know it's expected can't really can't moan that someone's laughing seeing someone practically naked stand out the hotel room because it was a funny visual I guess and I said please can you I explained what happened and I was like talking slowly like really like trying to be very concise perhaps a bit too loud as well and I realized

that because my only experience of waiters at that point was from Fawlty Towers watching Fawlty Towers and Manuel like being Spanish or whatever and Mr Fawlty Basil shouting having to keep explaining what he was trying to say and I realized the bloke was just English and he could understand what I was saying or it might be a female I can't remember so I just said look help please help me so they went and got um I'm not sure if he had a key or she had a key that was like

a that opened all the doors or went downstairs and got a key but it was embarrassing and if I ever tell you this story again it'll probably be different from that time I'll probably embellish but wow it was I really did not know what to do what what can I do I mean literally oh there's another time yeah I suppose I did embarrass myself right between there's a little town that basically where my dad lives and the next main town is about half an hour I think 40 minutes on a

train half an hour and I figured in my mind that's not a long time and we were halfway through the journey and the train broke down and we stopped managed to stop at a station one of the stations there stopped out on the way and people were standing on there and on the platform and the attendant said you're gonna have to wait till it's fixed before we can continue and I said no but I've got to be somewhere and he said no and I caused a bit of a fuss I

wasn't rude but I was a little bit cross a little bit short I said well I'll walk it then and the bloke started making fun of me said you can't walk that he said yeah I can we're nearly there so I set off and I kind of made a bit of a fuss about walking I don't know just almost very theatrical and the other passengers saw me walk off in a huff I'm gonna walk tell me I can't walk I can walk there of course I can walk it's only a

small amount of time so they're not just moaning after half an hour I realized I was lost I was a middle middle of the countryside didn't know where I was and I realized that I was not going to get where I was going because I didn't know where I was going I didn't know even if I was going in the right direction I figured it was the right direction because it was the way the train was going but eventually I left I was nowhere near the railway track so I had

no idea where I was so after half an hour I turned back and walked up they were all still there and I think eventually they decided they were going to try and move the train onto a different track and we'd catch because the trains were like hourly and that train even though it was already delayed the next train came so I'm there walking up and people are just all looking at me I felt a little bit embarrassed yeah it's like one of those situations you know you back yourself into a

corner it's why I try not to do it I did it a few times when I was younger and like there's nowhere to go from here I literally I mean I remember once I got caught not paying a fare on a train and I just hadn't bought a ticket so I tried to play the whole well I lost my ticket and pretending to be angry at the bloke for it's quite humiliating they're dead they're really they can I don't know it was my fault but it got to the point where

I decided it was his fault and it wasn't my fault and I was in the right even though I wasn't I kind of talked myself into it but I had no way of winning the argument and I was standing there this was 2001 I was standing there arguing with no hope of winning and in the end he just took my took my address so I gave him my old address where I didn't live anymore so yeah it was just like what's the point in arguing this because if you're really nice

there's been times when I've I was one time I fell asleep on a train and I ended up a long way away from London and the ticket inspector came around and I was I was just genuine I said the train has stopped by the way and the ticket inspector they came around like basically to wake me up like well can I see your ticket because I was asleep I think they thought it was a bit dodgy I said no no I'm so supposed to be going to Stratford they said were

you in Norwich I said oh man I see so you got a ticket I said yeah look it says Stratford he said yeah but you're in Norwich you need to have paid for a ticket to Norwich I said look I live in Stratford I've got no reason to come to Norwich and I'm now stuck here for the next five hours until the next train goes back and he didn't give me any hassle he just let me get off and wait for the next train which was I thought I got there

early hours and the next one was until about six in the morning to go back to London so I'd have to pay for that that trip as well so he could have been really you know I mean it's embarrassing because just me and him no one else was around and one embarrassing thing I remember I was on a bus and I was working in the bakery the big bakery in about 91 it was 91 and I was doing long hours and I was coming back on the bus and I fell

asleep also at that time even when I was working in the before I worked in the actual bakery itself I worked in the canteen of the bakery so I'd be doing just like a normal day's work but I'd also be up during the night like up till early hours in the morning at comedy clubs so I didn't generally get a huge amount of sleep so very very tired I fell asleep anyway luckily I was just one the bus stopped and I woke up and I was one stop away from my

stop which is lucky because I was proper asleep and I looked down and there's East London's busy and this was like 5 5 30 is super busy all the time yeah and these people were looking up at me and I'm thinking what he's staring at and I pull my I realized that I was dribbling I dribbled all down the window and all over myself I was that that tired I literally fell asleep and I was at an angle so it was just all dribbling down it was it was embarrassing it

was and I just had to look away and like oh I think I might have actually got off the bus there and walked the rest of the way because like no this was bad so it was a little bit embarrassing trying to think if there's anything I've done that's been embarrassing really this all seems quite I know quite soft isn't it there's no like major things I mean I had a girlfriend once and this was 96 so we was on a train there was no one opposite us but there were

people behind us we were like in you couldn't really see what we were doing because of the way the train was sort of suited but she pulled my trousers down you know everything down and I'm thinking okay this is a bit risky but you know and then she starts laughing and she pushes me into the gangway you know the way you walk through between the chairs that was embarrassing I mean I covered up but I honestly I could have got arrested for that it's very very naughty of her oh another

time that's quite embarrassing the same same female and she I used to work nights that's where I actually met her I was working nights as security guard and we'd be up all night that's how we she just used to come down and we'd spend we spent out you know nights and nights and nights in a row just chatting and getting to know each other and then fell in love and all that stuff and then she stopped she stopped coming down no then then she'd come down and she wouldn't be all

night with me because I would see her more outside of work you know but she'd still be down there and come down sort of see me and it was kind of early days so it's quite a passionate part quite a passionate time I was in this enclosed office part where there was a big desk and it was all encased like glass and you know if you couldn't get into it could lock the door and there was chairs and there's a big desk and stuff and we also had because that was

the reception of the place that I was working but we also had the mobile that's it the mobile which was the security guard who would come down and check on all the different sites to make sure first of all that we're there make sure that we're doing what we're supposed to do and that we're not asleep and the mobiles I think at night that's kind of their main job is to make sure that the people are not asleep now I was never asleep at that job I was at the second

one but I was never sleep asleep there anyway my girlfriend was I've got to explain this so it doesn't sound rude but she was underneath the table I was sitting at the table she was underneath the table so I guess she must have been searching for a pencil or something and the mobile came in but I knew sometimes you generally the mobile wouldn't sometimes they'd come into the office bit sometimes they wouldn't I knew if the mobile came into the office bit you know that's my job gone like 100% now

under that situation I would have expected my girlfriend to um I don't know kind of be ready for that situation to sort of make an excuse but she didn't she found it hilarious so the mobile the insurance the security mobile was standing talking to me through the glass and I'm trying to have a conversation with her or him might it was there was a lady and a man I don't remember who it was and it was very it was hard I mean as a pun it was very difficult and if

you remember police academy the very first police academy and the police academy the top man is standing doing a talk to all I think it's basically everyone's passed become police officers he's talking to everyone in in like you know he's behind a rector or whatever's called a good name and rector what you don't think that you put your papers on and there was someone in front of him out of sight it was kind of that situation I never thought it would ever happen and I'm so glad that I didn't get

caught because that was super super embarrassing I started to realize she was a bit of a troublemaker wasn't she remember once we visited my dad in the car we stayed in his caravan out the front and she painted my toenails before seducing me the next day we go out we're on the beach and she said oh do you want to should we go for a little dip I said well I can't I've got my clothes on she said no just up to our ankles or whatever just cool off I said

all right so took my shoes and my socks off we're just walking around walking towards the beach walking like towards the sea rather and she's laughing her head off and other people are laughing and I know what the hell she's why are you laughing and I'm just like oblivious I didn't realize I'd forgotten that my toenails were painted and she'd painted them all different colors really bright it's almost like she'd planned it and she found it hilarious that I was walking along the beach with my toenails with my really bright

toenails shining that was embarrassing yeah that was embarrassing what other times have I been embarrassed okay um I've told this story I've got to be careful with these stories because some of them are a little bit adult but at the same time I'm being vague okay so I was staying with my friend Neil in his bedroom he was in a bed I was on the floor in his dad's sleeping bag so basically his dad lent me the sleeping bag and I slept over it was like it's a sleepover we were

both probably about 14 at the time and he woke up we woke up in the morning and you know probably he seemed to be awake up before I was and he shouted wake up okay okay and he said we're going to go down for breakfast soon he said before that do you want to have a do you want to have a contest and I don't know I kind of agreed so we had this contest but you know it's under the covers couldn't see nothing and everything like that and I don't

know why but anyway it was this contest and I won the contest and I'm like being a bit cocky said I win and he lets out a big laugh pulls the pulls the like the bedclothes back or the duvet back and he's fully clothed so clearly he's been up a while when he's got dressed and everything and he starts laughing at me and goes down to breakfast I wasn't fully clothed I really didn't know what to do I had to like pretend that I was also pretending and there was a

few maybe a few months later his dad was cool really really really both his parents were really nice I don't know why they allowed me to go around there because I was no other parents let me go around people's houses only one other I used to get banned I'd go around to a friend's house and they'd say no I don't want you back whether it's them just saying it because they didn't want me to visit but even my bestest friend I wasn't allowed in his house because his dad didn't like

me but Neil's parents they were amazing like phenomenal honestly they seem to they like me more than my own parents seem to it just I don't know why they just they accepted that I was whatever however I was anyway they I was around there a couple of months or a month later and I was just leaving and I was saying I think I had something to eat and I said thanks for the grub I'm off and his dad called me back I said what he said Jason you owe me a

sleeping bag and Neil was laughing his head off and I'm so embarrassed because all Neil did was he just basically there's no he just wrapped it up and stuck it under under into the loft or something I don't know and I think his dad was about to go camping or fishing or something and needed the sleeping bag and just couldn't open it anyway a similar thing at my friend's house Neil another thing that happened is this was embarrassing because I had to face the consequences of this basically we had a

free afternoon so this would be again when I was 14 probably maybe 15 14 15 14 probably and we basically went around Neil's house me Dean and Neil so we went around Neil's house and Neil raided his dad's alcohol place so we were at vodka don't do this if you're listening at home I basically had a pint of a mixture of different things whiskey being the main one and then the mixture of other things and bearing in mind I'd been drunk once in my life before that and the other than

that the most I'd ever drink was like a glass of wine on a Sunday that was kind of standard back then like a glass of wine on Sunday and at Christmas and stuff but you know definitely I was a kid I wasn't drinking alcohol or wasn't hanging out in the park doing stuff like that so I I I drunk this stuff and I got completely the worst I've ever been in my life I've never been like that since and they found it hilarious which is kind of weird considering it was

Neil's house he took me into his mum and dad's bedroom and wrapped me up in their quilt and I completely ruined the bedroom I was just being ill everywhere everywhere so his mum and dad came home to a house that was destroyed by me and they never told me off they never banned me from going back and they should have done really shouldn't they that's just I did apologize when I saw them and then after that I left and I went and did my paper round and the next day my

boss at the paper shop said we had lots of complaints yesterday people saying that you didn't deliver their newspapers could you tell me where they are I said I did deliver them where I delivered them I couldn't tell you but I definitely delivered them and yeah I got in trouble for that very strange they came around to see me later in the evening to see if I was okay wow put me off whiskey forever I managed to force myself to drink a bit of whiskey with my dad a couple of

times because that was the only way I could be I was trying to bond with him you know this is back when I was about 17 18 I just can't drink whiskey just not my thing I think I'm quite lucky though because if I had been able to I think my life would have been different but yeah the weird thing about it is when I was 16 I moved into the flat above the chip shop I didn't have anything really to go in there and my friend Neil's parents gave me

loads of stuff like cutlery plates dishes toaster kettle all this stuff they gave me for my flat and I remember sitting down in the just in the town centre on a bench outside and thanking his dad and being quite teary actually because I couldn't believe that he did it that but both him and his mum and his husband his wife did that actually cared enough to help me especially after what I'd been up to it's weird so lovely I remember what 96 with this girlfriend that I told you the naughty

one I visited my friend Neil's house and he wasn't there but his mum was still there and his dad was at work and I spent a couple of hours talking to her and we were going over some you know the old times she was exactly the same as before just lovely she was um Glaswegian so she's not that really means anything but she was very down to earth and didn't didn't pull her punches it's just really just lovely and it's still welcoming to me even after what 10 years after left

school because this is like I was six I was 26 at this point and I left school when I was 15 and she was still open to she just still opened the door and invited me in remembered me I probably didn't even look the same anymore you know but yeah but that was embarrassing I can't think of any other embarrassing oh yeah when I asked you I mentioned this the other day I asked a lady out in a travel agency and she said yes that's not the embarrassing part the embarrassing

part is I stayed in there and continued to chat her up or try to and by the time I left she she told me that she changed her mind and this all happened in front of two of her colleagues in a shop that didn't have any customers they just had to be really quiet afternoon and I think I embarrassed myself more than I realized what a very embarrassing moments I know it was that one when I got stuck in the chair I mentioned earlier um what other things embarrassing embarrassing about

it's probably loads bearing in mind how ancient I am there must be absolutely loads just trying to think can't think of any more so this was monday's boring objects monday's boring sleepy objects oh come on there must be another one uh oh there was one it was embarrassing but luckily no one found out so when I worked in a nightclub I used to at the end of the day I used to go to the toilet in the women's toilets when the nightclub was closed that is because the men's toilets were

unusable unusable and usually there'd be at least one or two toilets in the females that I could use so I'd go and have a nice toilet in there so I'm sitting down no one else around as far as I was aware all the staff are upstairs like chilling out I was wrong and two of the staff members came into the ladies toilets and they were doing their makeup I thought if they were like planning to go out again go out somewhere else and they were talking what I should have done

I should have shouted straight I'm in I'm here and if they said why you're not using the men's toilets I could just say because I'm a perv I guess like like you go in the men's toilets and then you come back and tell me why I'm in here because it's blocked so but no I kept quiet because I just didn't know what to do and they were in there for about 20 minutes and I'm also almost holding my breath and at one point I you know when you can feel a

bit of gas there's a little bit of gas building up and I thought no there's no way no you can't you can't I won't be able to hide that you know there's no way of hiding that I'd have to flush the toilet in order to cover up the gas the sound then I thought oh no but then they probably know that I'm there as well I probably wonder who's flushed the toilet see yeah that was embarrassing um there was one time when I was in a public toilet I was in

a nightclub toilet rather and I was doing something perhaps I shouldn't have been doing anyway I won't go into that someone's knocking on the door and I'm like oh go away I'm busy and I hear their voice and they're looking underneath the cubicle toilet door looking at me I was like what the heck so that wasn't good um yeah I'm just I'm trying to think there's probably a few other little bits and bobs I mean I was embarrassed every time I was at school when it was shower time that was

you know I mean it's not a specific thing that happened but I was definitely I felt embarrassed because I was like a kid around all these adults it was horrible didn't like it no I can't think of any other things that I might have done that was mildly where I embarrassed myself or I felt embarrassed loads of times I felt embarrassed but nothing obvious um yeah as a kid I was just used to when I was very young I used to say stuff about meaning it so I started in a

chip shop and there was this lady she's probably in her 60s and she again I would never do this but I was 15 years old so I just want to point this out anyway um she had like three teeth or something and she was but she was very moany she just moaned the whole time and she used to moan at me I'm old enough to be your grandmother me me me me I really she wasn't particularly friendly to me but you know as I've learned over years she's probably got kids

and grandkids that adore her so you know but I didn't see the world that way at the time anyway we had a delivery of stuff like bleach and you know stuff for like cleaning the place and don't ask me why but we we had a big like broom head the bristles I picked up and shouted out look here's Doris's new toothbrush and I was gonna say everyone laughed not everyone she didn't laugh the opposite and I instantly felt guilty but everyone did laugh but I was 15 I was a kid

you know I mean I was 15 years old I forgot she was there but I didn't plan to say it it just fell out of my mouth I can't remember what name I'm saying Doris I don't know what her name was I can't remember I do remember her name but I'm not going to say it and she'd be like oh yeah I would never do anything like that now but back or even probably in my 20s maybe probably wouldn't probably not no I don't know no I don't think I would

but not now so I mean you could say well I embarrassed her but I did I also embarrassed myself because it was ridiculous thing to have done and it was not nice and it was it yeah we never became best friends but and the weird thing about it is I always had a lot of respect for elderly people and I still do because of my grandparents or my grand you know my nan always had respect but then I don't know what it was the way I was though I think back

then is like if you're going to be rude to me then you know it's going to be returned I try not to do but I just yeah I don't know I've got nothing to say I just I yeah it's I don't feel good about having done that but I did do it um it's almost like confession time isn't it and then it was that time I cut the brakes on that car no I never did that no I think that's it there's not it's not it there's loads of others but

I can't think at the moment quite and there's one time I was talking to I was basically I was walking through the night club and someone's eating because comedy club someone's eating and they asked me a question so um I think I'm talking to them and I kneel down and as I talk to them my chewing gum falls out of my mouth onto the floor and she she looks at me weirdly everyone at the table looks at me weirdly and I'm like when I got back to the bar I thought

two things to learn from that first of all don't let chewing gum fall out of my mouth onto the floor and secondly don't pick it up and put it back in my mouth that was maybe that was the big one but that was embarrassing other things I remember once I was in the dj booth and this was early early years the early years and a lady jumped over through the window of the dj booth and started kissing me and I'm like what are you doing I actually did say that what

are you doing she said I'm kissing you I said okay why it really threw me off because it was the first the first time I any that anything like that had happened wasn't the last time it was definitely the first time and she said to me something that really made me think she said why not what's wrong with you not like what's wrong with you but why wouldn't I want to kiss you and I'm like that's a good point why wouldn't you want to and because I'd lost my mojo at

that point and I was like in my prime I'd lost my mojo through circumstances or whatever and that's when it sparked that little spark came back it's almost like I felt like a man like a man you know my version of a man I just felt like oh and I hadn't felt that for quite a while I haven't felt it for years but there was a degree of I think it's confidence the confidence kind of came back my mojo came back and after that and that was like at the end

of 97 98 I had a haircut put on some better clothes put more effort into my appearance and I was dating I was back in the dating game and dating lots yeah a lot of dating in that year so it's yeah it's just like I've got my mojo back and my confidence and I realized that yeah why wouldn't someone want to maybe not kiss me but why wouldn't someone want to talk to me nothing that wrong with me I know I'm not I'm not a supermodel anymore but still technically human

hmm so I don't know really I don't know what the point of this conversation was embarrassing moments that was embarrassing because I didn't expect it to happen and I think it's not just the fact she jumped over the thing it's a fact that I screamed really loudly because it made me jump um yeah now there's probably loads and loads and loads but that's that's all I can think of right now but I'm still trying to think because I almost want to I want to find one that's really good I want

to find a juicy one a juicy embarrassment you know something where I've just looked an absolute silly billy like really really silly um no can't think of anything I'm trying to go back in the different jobs I've had um jobs have been sacked from relationships I've had embarrassing moments in those relationships I imagine all relationships are going to have embarrassing moments I just can't think it's been such a long time um no I can't think of anything else I probably will do now as soon as I finish this recording I'll

go into the kitchen and heat up some what they're called not croquettes whatever they're called the french um yeah croquettes pastries and a cup of tea you know croissants that's it I'll probably remember no oh there was one oh okay I can't say that one because that's it's very well there was this female it sounds like I'm just talking about women here but she was working in one of my insurance jobs and I couldn't help physically reacting when she was around I don't mean like dancing or anything or doing handstands

I just it's probably just pheromones you know just her her pheromones were affecting my I imagine I had hormones back then so it's just just a chemistry thing that's all it was and I was affected by her I mean really if she liked me that would have been potentially a really powerful relationship but she didn't like me so it was just a bit weird I don't know why I guess my my chemistry whatever was reading signals that weren't there maybe I don't know but anyway she used to be friendly to

me but one day she asked and she used to wear I would never have complained but it was really quite inappropriate clothing that she was wear it it looked like she was she just I liked how she how she looked don't get me wrong but I've seen people get told off to not wear that kind of clothing in the office environment but just because of the distraction it can have a negative impact on the relationship and it's usually I found it's quite often it was other women that were complaining about

it not the men and so but she she's definitely all she was missing was a whip on this occasion that's what I'm going to say a whip and handcuffs and she asked me over because my job is to listen to phone calls and she wanted to ask me a question so I go over I lean over I bend over to talk to her and stuff and then that effect there's no way to say this about laughing blimey because I was bending over forward I mean and she just had I said

it had an effect so when we finished I stood up apparently I nearly knocked her off her chair and she went and told everyone that I had a what's it that there was a flag in my pants let's say and I was like why she literally told everybody on the sales floor and a couple of people came down and were laughing I thought I'm gonna get sacked because it wasn't my fault it was just a physical response and I didn't realize that it was gonna be I didn't think it would

be visible to be honest no one's ever noticed it before and she was telling everyone but I don't think anyone cared because what she didn't know is I'd a couple of months earlier I was working on the sales floor myself so everybody knew me and she was quite new so they didn't care I wasn't just some random person at work downstairs that was creeping on everyone I wasn't I was literally just doing my job and had a uncontrollable flagpole occasionally and it's really weird because no I don't think any other

person's ever had that effect on me hardly at all in my life and she didn't even like me how weird is that to literally be just to be just yeah I don't know out of my control I didn't think about when I was at work I didn't think about when I was at home but when I was in front of her she almost just just walks past me and something happened I kind of like again chemicals it's just like chemicals in the air isn't it that's why when people say oh

I don't find young women attractive I'm I'm an old man like no you do because not your it's not not your fault either because it's chemicals um pen not penicillin what's it called not estrogen the what do they call it the the the smells that we produce that we can't smell consciously affect each other uh pheromones that's it pheromones so people just lie oh yeah oh no I'm not attracted to a 20 year old I'm 35 now no you might not be attracted to them you might not be looking to

be with someone that's younger than you but the attraction is not in your control being attracted to someone being attracted to an older man or a younger man whatever it's not in your control it either happens or it doesn't happen you can't control what we're attracted to you can't control what you like eating I mean you could probably wean yourself onto something why would you want to but you know if you go from full fat milk to skimmed milk it tastes disgusting to start with but you do that for maybe

a year two years you try and go on to full milk full milk will taste disgusting I say disgusting but not everyone's going to experience it that way but I have it's very hard and some people say well there's no difference skimmed milk's just like water well fair enough I've never drunk white water before that tastes like milk but hey you know I've never put water on breakfast cereal you know or in tea well obviously I put water in tea but that's not a good example is it so that was

embarrassing because of what she was saying about me like I'd almost walked in like a cockerel proud or what's it what's those things that walk around proud not a penguin not a peregrine falcon what's it called peacock like a peacock like look at my tail and all my colors and stuff and I wasn't doing that I was literally just coming up to see one of the managers about something and then she stopped me and said can you can you help me with something or whatever I don't know what it was

it was a question about the something I was I wasn't listening I wasn't listening I just don't remember so that was yeah that was embarrassing I mean there's another time I was embarrassed but it was almost a weird embarrassment because when I got Andre very early is Andre is my little ferret I let him off the lead and he ran into a ditch in the field he let he ran into a ditch so I jump in to get him because I don't want to lose him and because he's so little

I just yeah the idea of losing him was just I couldn't I get caught so basically I get caught on this old wreck of a car that's rusty in this ditch didn't notice there there's all these thorns and everything I managed to get hold of Vinnie or Andre rather because he's stuck because the collar he's wearing is stopping him getting through so I managed to get him out so I've got him in my arms I can't it's been raining I can't get out I'm all cut up by the way I'm

on this car this rusty car my arms all split open but I'm trying to just get out of this ditch and I keep sliding back and I'm I mean I am embarrassed because I'm like how the heck do I get out of this because I can't walk down the ditch because it's completely full of trees and bushes and everything the ditch is higher than I am taller than I am so I'm standing in the ditch the ditch is probably it's got to be eight nine foot high because I'm about five

foot eight or whatever I'm trying to climb with just one hand because I'm holding him with the other hand I do it in the end but I fall over about three or four times probably as I'm doing it so I end up walking back when I get out and I'm completely covered in mud as well as having my hand and my arm I think I even cut my face a bit but a lot of it was just scratches it's like this does not look good it's really weird I didn't see

one person usually you know it's usually people walking no one could help me when I was in the ditch I didn't even see anyone as I walked home because after all that it would be nice to have been stopped and asked you know so I could tell them the story instead of waiting for nine years to tell you now anyway I'm going to go because I'm going to get myself some croissants so thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy and be gentle with yourself you deserve to feel safe lots of love bye bye bye