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Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Hello, hmm, my name is Jason Newland and please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Hmm, so I didn't do a Q&A Friday this week.
I didn't ask for any questions and I completely forgot about it really. I've been so busy uploading or re-uploading the recordings that I'd deleted. Plus I did make, I did make a Let Me Bore You To Sleep yesterday as well anyway.
But I didn't really, yeah I'm a little bit, it's weird. I feel like I'm a little bit out of practice, strange. Hmm, so I thought I'd ask chat GPT.
Ask me 10 really personal questions which it has and it hasn't messed around. So I'm going to try and answer them but they're they're quite deep, a little bit. Hmm, I don't know, I think I prefer like a bit more jovial.
But the first question is, oh by the way the the bark, the barking has returned. It returned yesterday afternoon and it was, it started again at 5.30 this morning. It's not happening now at this moment but it's like, oh man really.
It uplifted my mood not having that barking outside. Just yeah, it was life-changing in a positive way. It was a nice little respite I guess.
I don't know where, it couldn't have been there because it wasn't barking so I don't know where it was for a day and a half. So the first question is, what is the biggest regret you have in your life and if you could go back would you actually change it? Hmm, well I'm going to go, I mean for regret that would be something that I've done. So I can't, it's not really something that's been done to me.
It's not going to be something out of my control. There's something within my control that I, it's something I regret doing or regret not having done. There's a few things I regret doing, definitely, and I know it's a cliche but it's the things that I didn't do that I regret probably.
Opportunities, but then there's opportunities that I didn't know were there. For example, when I left school, when I was 15 years old, it was a weird period because I left school, I had to go back to do my exams but I didn't really but I thought I did because it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd not turned up anyway.
In fact I probably would have got a higher score and so I was working in a chip shop full-time earning £60 a week which was brilliant money for me, you know at 15 and I was living at home still, still in my room upstairs, still getting fed, everything was just the same and then the family split, as it were, the parents separated.
After about probably maybe a month of being in the chip shop full-time, I did start part-time while I was at school I think, I was there a week on a Saturday but that was while I was still at school but that was only for about a month or so, maybe two months, I don't know, but yeah so it was weird because I mean there was some stability there and then suddenly that stability was gone, so I was 15 and I went from, I didn't,
I didn't feel that I had any option but to continue working at the chip shop and I went from having my own bedroom at the top of the house where the bedroom was, it's not really relevant to the story but you know it, I had the bedroom and it was my bedroom and to moving into my step-grandmother's flat, sleeping on a camper bed in her living room and that was because I wanted to be with my mum, my mummy, my step-mummy but still I wanted to be with her,
I didn't want to be in an empty house because basically they split up like a year and a half or two years earlier and then they got back together again but that time my dad moved out and then my dad just said when he came back he said he wasn't moving out if they split up again she'd be the one that moves out and she did but it wasn't a home anymore, it was just a big empty cold house and I didn't,
I didn't want to move out of there but at the same time I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to, I didn't want to be without my mummy you know, it's true I just didn't, so I went and lived with her and you know in not a very good sort of environment, it was a lovely flat and before I moved in I got on famously with my step-grandmother, really close to her but living in a living room, sleeping in a living room, the relationship changed to the point where when after,
it wasn't a whole year, it was probably about 10 months, 10 months of living together, maybe it was nearly a year but about 10 months of me living there, sleeping in her living room and her daughter sleeping in the spare bedroom with my brother, my little brother was seven or eight at the time, that ruined my relationship with her, so we never spoke again when she moved away and I moved out and basically that's how I ended up having to move into the chip shop, flat above the chip shop, because they were moving to a different part of the country, so it's like how is this, what's this got to do with regrets?
I do regret taking sides because I did take sides, I took her side because I was a mummy's boy, hard to believe, maybe it isn't, but I was a mum, I was I was infatuated with that lady, like she was pretty much my world, from the age of seven to, well actually the last year I didn't like her, but I was at that age where I didn't really like anyone, I just, I still loved her but I just couldn't stand, I think being,
it was so claustrophobic and not having my own space and I just could not stand any part of it, you know, just you know, I fell out, I didn't fall out with my mum but I definitely fell out with my nan, my step-nan and she used to, honestly, I'd be working all day and I'd come home, I'd finish at work about nine o'clock in the evening, come home and I'd turn the TV on, I'd have it down very low, so I wasn't having it blaring out or anything like that,
I had it down low and my step-nan would come in and just turn it off it was like, what am I supposed to do, I've literally just finished work, I'm supposed to just go to bed at 15, well by this time, you know, I turned 16 at the end of August, so I was 15 then, you know, then I turned 16 but I was like, I don't want to go to bed, I don't want to go to sleep, I've literally only finished work half an hour ago, I want to just do something,
I want to, I didn't have any, I wanted to do something, a bit of limitation, I couldn't really go out clubbing or going to the pubs because I was 15 and looked about 12, so yeah, there's a few limitations there and I was living in a little town, I suppose I could go for a walk on the beach, yeah, so yeah, I kind of regret what happened there but it was out of my control to a degree, I mean I made the choice to go and live with her,
to go and stay with my mum, but then I disliked it so much, I didn't move out, I went back to my dad's, I went back to the, you know, the family home, I think I did that twice and, but at least once and I lasted for about two days because the house was freezing cold, so this must have been probably October time, so I probably went back in October, no heating on, no food, I mean I could afford to get my own food because I was working but at that point I was used to not getting my own food,
I'd eat at work and then I'd eat at home, you know, when I got home I didn't, I didn't have to, I was still a kid man, I was still a baby, I was still like 15, just turned 16, I wasn't used to kind of getting my own food and doing my own laundry and stuff like that, that was still being done for me, that all changed when I moved into the flat above the chip shop, so yeah, I then had to do my own laundry and do my own food and,
you know, all that stuff, like most people, most adults have to do when they live on their own, yeah, I suppose the regret is kind of a wide regret, there's individual little regrets along the way and I don't, I don't sit up at night worrying about it, I'll be honest, I mean I think when it comes to like big, I've got emotional regrets and when it comes to, well, I think in reality, I don't know if I'm ever gonna have another girlfriend or ever have a relationship with a female,
I don't know if it's ever gonna happen again, I mean I was thinking about it and I've just, you know, it's like, it might sound weird but, but I know there's people out there that haven't had a physical touch and I'm not talking about, you know, hand, I'm not talking about, you know, like sensual stuff, but just having someone, or cuddling someone, you know, watching tv and cuddling them or just that kind of stuff, it's been so long and even then, but that was only like,
for a short period and then it was like years before that, and it's not that I'm blind, I'm not the least desperate person there is, really not desperate, but, well, sometimes I'm a little bit desperate, sometimes I'm like, okay, I wish I was in a relationship, just for the next 33 seconds, but I, then it goes away, I, I don't know, I don't know if I've got it in me, I'm not sure if I ever had it really in me, I've never been able to hold a relationship together, I mean,
if I had, if I was able to, then I'd have had a relationship that lasted, the longest relationship I had was, it was started in, where would it be, probably May, May or June 1996, and was pretty much finished by the new year, 1997, so, yeah, I mean that, what was that, like, what, June, July, August, September, October, November, December, that's probably like, six, seven months, that was the longest relationship I had, in fact, I don't even know if we were still together in 97, I think we were, partially,
it's weird, I'm trying to think of Christmas, and I can't, Christmas 1997, no, not 1997, 1996, Christmas 1996, I don't remember being in a relationship at that point, that's almost, that's not a, that's a piece of mapping, that is missing from my, yeah, from the charted map of my life, so, I remember Christmas 93, Christmas 94, a period, I'm sort of like, Christmas period, you know, like, turn of the, turn of the year, new year, Christmas period, yeah, 95 is very memorable, 96, not so much, 97, yeah, 8, 9, 2000,
yeah, this is what, so, Christmas 97, 98, 99, 2000, yeah, remember those, I don't have like, specific memories necessarily, but I remember roughly what was going on, and if I, if I magnified a little bit more, I could probably get in there, oh, by the way, I signed up with Ancestor, Ancestor.com, and that's where I got my DNA test done, where I'm 48% Irish, and I spent hours on it, the last couple of days, going through my family tree, it was giving me hints, and I was looking through it,
and cross-checking, cross-referencing, whatever, and I was doing quite well with it, and I went on there this morning, well, about an hour or two ago, it deleted everything I'd done, apart from the basic, like, me, and parents on there, so I just cancelled, I cancelled it, because it was a free subscription, and what I noticed is, I cancelled, I pressed cancelled, like, the button, now, if I didn't know better, I would have just assumed it was done, but it wasn't done, you had to go all the way down to the page,
and it started offering, you know, are you sure you want to cancel, what are you going to be missing out on, you know, we help you to build your family tree up, and we'll help you for hours, and the next day, it'll all be deleted for you, so you can start all over again, and enjoy the fun, you know, just stuff like that, and then saying, do you still want to cancel, yes, and then go down again, oh, can you just answer this question, is it too expensive,
is it just not enough, enough options, you just lost interest in doing it, or is it because we keep deleting stuff, I mean, after all, you do like deleting stuff, don't you Jojo, which is a bit rude, and I say, just like, no, just don't, whatever, just click anyone, and press cancel, or what if we offer you the price, cheaper price, monthly, so instead of £13 a month, we'll give it to you for £10.99 a month, what about those apples, hey, hey, hey, hey, go on, give us another chance,
we promise we won't delete anything anymore, I mean, isn't that what you promise people, never keep to it though, do you, you keep always, you know, always deleting, always making changes, you say you won't, but you do, don't you eventually, hey, just stop picking on me, I'm not, I just want you to keep with the subscription, I tell you what, if you just cancel the cancellation, I won't mention all the stuff that you keep deleting, and all the times you've done it over the years, how about that, no, I don't,
you're winding me up now, just, I don't, I want to cancel, so in the end, it was like, oh, please, please stay, I can change, I can change, I mean, I know, I've said it before, and I didn't change, well, it was quite good for a few days, wasn't it, I mean, once it was quite good for even like, I think 17 days in a row we got on, and then it goes back to how it was, and you know, it's the conflict, but you know, I can change this time,
this time will be different, I promise you, I was like, no, I'm not falling for that again, it's done, once I've made my mind up, my decision is made, oh, go on, how am I supposed to continue without you, this, doing this Ancestral Tree, it meant nothing until you came into my life, and started using my service, I know there's 12 million people using me to find out their Ancestral background, but you're the one I really care about, you're the one, I mean, you're my everything, without you, I just,
I don't think I'd want to do this anymore, no, come on, you're just, you're trying to be, I don't know, emotionally blackmailing me or something, oh, you're so clever, you know all the words, don't you, all the buzz words, emotionally blackmail, wow, what was the other one, is it light housing, no, not light housing, but yeah, no, I'm not, I'm being genuine, and genuine as well, so I cover both sides of the continent, so yeah, go on, please stay, please, be your best friend, no, oh, go on, listen, no,
sometimes means no, what do you mean sometimes means no, no, I mean, no doesn't necessarily mean no in a sales situation, but in this, in a lot of situations, you should respect when someone says no, but I want, I want to, I want you to stay with me, what are you changing your voice for, I just want the listeners to know who's talking, because you keep doing that, don't you, you keep just doing the same voice, and it gets confusing for the listeners, so you think I should change my voice as well then,
no, just keep your, keep to your own squeaky voice, everyone recognises that one, that really is rude, I'm not, I'm not happy about that, oh, wow, right, I'm going now, just, I've had enough, just, you're cancelled, all right, okay, I didn't like you to start with, never liked you, smelly poo head, what, no, go away, don't, in fact, I don't want you to use this service anymore, I want you to leave, hmm, never in, hmm, hmm, and your, your food is terrible, you, you're a terrible cook,
do you mean a terrible cook, what's that got to do, oh, just, you're cancelled, done, bam, bam, and it was done, I've noticed that with a lot of like website services and apps and stuff, they don't all make it easy to cancel, they make it easy to sign up, you know, you can go on an app, not, obviously, not all, but most apps, you can sign up on the app, but you can't delete on the app, you can't cancel on the app, you have to go to the website,
Amazon's like that as well, it's so annoying, you know, it's so easy to, to add stuff to Amazon Prime, like HBO, oh, okay, I'll just add HBO, they're offering it free for two weeks, or they're offering it for £2.99 a month for the first month, you know, it's like, yeah, cool, because stuff on HBO that I like to watch, but it's keeping track of that time, isn't it, because if I forget, then I end up paying £9.99 a month for whatever it is, so I go on to the app, no,
can't delete it on the app, and I use the app on my phone, the Amazon app, all the time to order stuff, I say all the time, I don't, I'm not just sitting here ordering things all day long, but you know, I use Amazon, it's not, I don't use Amazon for fun, you know, Amazon's really for I buy my day to day stuff, whether it's deodorant, whether it's underwear, whether it's soap, shampoo, you know, I don't really have a lot of hair, but face wipes, dog food, all that kinds of stuff, I generally get from Amazon.
Yeah, oh, Ready Break, I get like big packs of Ready Breaks, I think there's five boxes in a pack, so it works out a lot cheaper than buying them individually on Uber Eats. That's another thing, Uber Eats, I went on there the other day, and it had, normally it just only has the stuff, and it has other stuff, but you know, when it comes to breakfast cereal, it just offers me what I've already got in the past, recently.
And I, well, I want to get what I had six months ago, I want to get something a bit different, no, not available, sorry. But I looked at the app, yes, no, not yesterday, I think the day before, and in my favourite section, which is basically just what I'd previously bought, it had stuff that I have not bought from, say, well, I use Uber Eats to get Sainsbury's deliveries, and it didn't have, it just had old stuff.
I want to say old stuff, for example, I wasn't able to get Ready Break on Uber Eats, on the app, for months, that's why I started getting it from Amazon, now it's available again, on Uber Eats.
Makes me wonder if they communicate with each other, I think it's not as so much that they're, that it's like sharing information, I think they're just gossipers. Uber Eats, the app, Uber Eats app is gossiping with the Amazon app about me. Uber Eats is like saying, oh, it's weird, he hasn't spent as much money on Uber Eats lately, he's not getting as much breakfast cereal as he used to.
And Amazon, the Amazon app says, oh, I've got a bit, a bit of gossip for you. You know what he's been doing? He's been getting, like the big packs of five boxes, which will last him for probably two weeks. That's why he stopped buying it on Uber Eats.
That's why he stopped buying it on your app. Ah, is that so? Bit cheeky. Yeah, but don't tell anyone I told you, you know, don't just keep it between ourselves.
Yeah. All right. All right.
But then Amazon doesn't realize Uber Eats is gonna like, get in with his friends, they listen, we need to start making ReadyBreak available again. Because he's going elsewhere. And that's not good for us.
Maybe there's a way we can buy all the ReadyBreak from Amazon. So it's not available. That's a good idea.
I wonder if they ever do stuff like that. What's it they call that as a there's a word for it in sales. Um, right, it started barking again.
There's periods when it does doesn't bark at all for a while and then it just on and off on and off on and off on and off. But it's a little bit distracting from what I was talking about because I don't remember now. Something about was it my favorite color or something? I don't know.
Working in a chip shop. I'll cancel in apps. Uber Eats, Amazon.
Yeah. So I think regrets. I think one of the regrets I guess would be and there's nothing the thing is with regrets.
You can't do anything about it. We can learn for the future. You know, we can learn maybe if I go into a similar situation again, to maybe do things differently.
But will I get into a situation again? There's anywhere near how things used to be when I was a lot younger. Possibly I won't. I don't know.
I'm probably never going to be in a position where well, I'm never going to be in a position again where my parents kind of separate am I that's done. I'm never going to be in a position where I'm 15. Because those days are gone.
Working in a chip shop gone, you know, so that that stuff. It can't, it can't re re happen. And I don't you know what I don't give myself too much of a hard time over some of the silly things and some of the not very well thought out choices I made.
When I was a teenager, especially like when I first left school and because I didn't know what else to do. I was adlibbing. I really was in life.
I was. I mean, the only person that I really I suppose asked any advice, well, probably not even asked any advice, but I was close to my Nan, my my biological grandmother. And I had been since seven years old.
So it's really weird. Okay. This is probably stuff I've already talked about.
But my Nan, she remembered stuff. She remembered me being born. And she had pictures of me as a baby.
And she had pictures of me when I was like, in a in a pushchair, not pushchair. Yeah, pushchair, pram or whatever. And I didn't know, until she told me that the very last day of me and my brothers being in Southend, because we were living in Nazareth House, children's home run by nuns.
So we were living there. And on the very last day, because we'd, we'd been, my dad and his new wife, my mummy, used to pick us up on a Friday night, take us back to where they lived. And we'd stay there for the weekend, and we'd come back on a Sunday afternoon.
And we did that most weekends for at least a couple of months, I would say. It's hard to know, because at that age, a week is like six months, isn't it? It's like such a long period of time. So I don't know how many months it was for, but at least a couple of months, maybe longer, maybe less, but I'd say at least two months.
And on the very last day, and we knew it was coming, we knew that we were going to be leaving the children's home to go and live with our parents. And my step mum said that she had adopted us, like officially, legally adopted us. So they'd been married since 19, they got married in 1976.
I actually found the date on Ancestor. And she was 22 when she got married. So she was 23 when she had me.
Well, when she first, in fact, she might still be in 22. I don't know. But at the time, and for years afterwards, I really, I couldn't see it.
I couldn't really see it in a, in, I guess, this way. But I view it a little bit differently to how I used to. So I'm thinking, first of all, 22 is young.
My dad was older, not huge amounts older. He was born in 47. She was born in 54, 55, something like that.
So, you know, it's like seven, seven, eight years difference, maybe nine. And so she's married. With a new husband, probably blissfully happy.
I don't know. I've never been married. I definitely have not married my dad.
So I don't know whether or not I I didn't enjoy it. But I'd rather not thanks. But you know, so they were probably blissfully happy and living together.
He was, she was working full time. He was working for he was self employed, I think, or he was working full time. So they had plenty of money coming in.
Lots of freedom to do what they wanted, both young. And then suddenly, I say suddenly, but you know, kind of out of the blue, three boys appeared. Because he didn't know where we were.
And eventually he found where we were because we were living in Newcastle. And I think we got transferred to Southend. So we were closer.
But I don't know that 100%. So she went within a year of being married to being the mother of three children, one seven, one nine and one 11. That's a, that's a biggie, isn't it? That's a big one.
Especially when you consider she was like only just over 10 years older than my oldest brother. So yeah, must is, I never really thought about it at that. Well, obviously, at the time, I was a little kid.
So I was too busy thinking about Kung Fu, on TV and sweets, running around and spinning till I got dizzy and fell over. You know, I was busy. I was busy doing that stuff.
And thinking I was a deep thinker, but I don't think I really gave it gave that any thought. It's very preoccupied in myself very, very much like now really. And must be weird, must be very strange.
But I found out on the very, very last day, that we lived in that children's home. And we knew that we were going to be going back to live with my dad and my new mum, we're going to be living with them permanently, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. And we're gonna be together and have a family, which is what I wanted.
You know, there's nothing more in the world I would want than to be at home living with them. With my two brothers, you know, that was that was the dream, really. So I was blissfully happy.
I think I said the word blissfully happy twice, haven't I in this and this lecture. And what I didn't know, basically, what happened is we spent the afternoon with our biological mother, which is a little bit freaky to do something like that, considering she didn't visit us, as far as I'm aware. But she was told that was the last time we were going to see her.
So she just rolled up, didn't expect her to turn up. And she took us out. And I remember that day, I remember we went on to the South End promenade.
I got some pens that had weird kind of animal lids and things like that. So she bought me some of them and like, I just want to look at them. I didn't want to, I didn't want to own them.
The thing is, I like looking at stuff, but I don't want to carry it home. And she was saying, but it's only small stuff. I said, yeah, but still, I don't want to carry it home.
I'm lazy now and I always will be lazy. She said, what? I said, well, I've decided I'm going to be lazy forever. And I don't like carrying things.
So can you carry it for me? And she did, she put it into a bag. He's a little bit confused. And I was very much focused on her.
Because she was that. I don't know if I understood that we were never going to see her again. I'm not sure if it really because I wasn't quite seven.
So this was in should we say possibly June time 1977. And I was seven at the end of August. So I was six, but I was nearly seven.
And I don't know if I'm not sure if I understood that that was, you know, because we'd see her sporadically. That's an actual word. Occasionally, now and then.
I remember when I was in Newcastle in a children's home, I came down. And it was during what my birthday's always been during the summer holidays when I was at school, because it's just always had always was. So I came down.
I'd had a sleep in, so I wasn't up at the same time as all the other kids. And I went into the conservatory, it was a big conservatory with tables I used to eat. It was a much nicer children's home than Southend.
In fact, I don't even remember there being any nuns there, but it was still Nazareth House in Newcastle. So I guess there was I just don't remember them. I remember them.
I do remember them in Southend. We used to call them the little penguins, but not to their face. And so I come down, it's a really bright day, really sunny day.
It's 1975, something like that, maybe 1976, 1975. So I come down. Looking around, there's no one here.
I had no idea what time it was. So I just went down, I got myself, I think I probably just one of those, I just got myself some breakfast, probably in a little box of some milk and orange juice or whatever. So I'm sitting there, and I'm facing away from the glass.
So it's a glass, it's like a conservatory. And it's a big place, it's a big place, loads of kids living there, it's a big old place. There's a big courtyard there as well.
So yeah, it's a big place. And someone came in, one of the staff, he said, Happy Birthday. And I said, What are you talking about? No, different strokes wasn't on yet.
And I said, What? He said, Happy Birthday. I said, Oh, cool. See, I didn't know about birthdays.
I didn't know what day my birthday was on. I didn't even know how old I was, to be honest. Things like that weren't important, and no one mentioned it.
This is the first time in my memory that anyone even mentioned birthdays to me. I'm not saying that I never had birthday presents previous, but I don't remember it. And, you know, when you when you live in like a kid's home, especially, I don't know that now, but in the 70s, you didn't have anything really of your own.
You'd be toys to share with the other kids. But I didn't have anything of my own. The only the only belongings that I left the children's home with, that were mine, other than some clothes and stuff, was my book, my Jackanory book, which I'd kind of learned to read with.
And I used to read it over and over and over and over again. And I say learn to read, I'm sure I was learning to read at school. But it's this really kind of helped me a lot.
Plus, we moved around so much. There was no stability like school wise. So and there's probably periods when I didn't even go to school.
So I don't really remember much in the way of school. What I do remember is going to walk into school on my own. At quite a young age.
But that has probably more to do with the times. You know, walking to school at the age of seven was kind of normal. Back then, you know, I suppose it's different if you live miles and miles away.
But if you live near the school, or within like an hour, or half an hour walking, you just walked, kids would walk on their own, didn't need parents to take them. Or at least I didn't. I've got this kind of a memory of, I think it was a bridge that we used to walk over.
And I walked down, which led to the school but I can't not got a great memory of it. It's not many memories of schools I remember before the age of seven. There's one.
There was one where I was I was standing in the school grounds near the, not the gate, you know, where you come and go. And there was a lady there and she fell over. That's probably the happiest memory of my childhood.
I'm joking. Yeah, that was weird. But other than that, and I thought I'd caused it.
I thought it was, oh, I've made her fall over, which was weird. It's strange. I was a little bit of a strange child, I would say.
And this bloke, you know, in the children's homes, Oh, happy birthday. Okay. How old am I? I had no idea.
I didn't know. Didn't know. Really didn't.
And none of us knew our, our, when we went to live with my dad and his new wife. I don't think any of us actually knew what our dates of birth were. Which is pretty quite a weird thing, isn't it? For kids.
I think maybe my oldest brother did. But yeah, we used to have arguments like no, it's not December, it's August. No, I got presents in December last year.
Like, Chris, that was Christmas. It was Christmas. And I was 12 at the time.
So yeah, it took a while to kind of get around to the normal societal norms, the normal norms. And the bloke said, Oh, your mum was here. I said, Really? Yes, she left a present.
Okay. And he handed it to me. Why didn't she stay to say hello? I don't know.
He could have woken me up. I was asleep. He could have, you know.
So basically, it was a little, I'm not sure if it was wrapped. I think it might have been wrapped. But it was a box of Maltesers.
You know, not a bag, but a box. So it was a decent, I like, that's maybe why Maltesers have been kind of quiet. I don't want to say sacred, because that's a weird word to use for chocolate, isn't it? But there's a probably an emotional connection to most Maltesers for me.
And I still like them today. I can't, you know, I don't really eat that much chocolate anymore. But you know, I did.
Maltesers is one of those things that I kind of used to enjoy. But yeah, that was like, Why didn't she say hello then? Which is weird. But anyway, we saw her for the very last time.
And I, we had some chips, we went to the chip. It was like a, it was in Southend, this chip place. But it was almost like it was built on the prom, like a chip shop, but it was built on it.
That's my memory of it. We go in there, got some chips. I think they were in a cone.
And we went and carried on walking around the prom and whatever. And then we went back to the children's home in Southend. And she, we were in a room with her.
And we didn't realize that my dad and his new wife, my new mummy, was on the other side of the door, like it was basically two rooms with a door. And we went through the other door. And that's the last time we saw her.
And we went home with the new parents really. I mean, he was, even though he was my dad, he was new. I didn't know him from anyone.
When I first met him, even though I clearly I knew him when I was a baby, but I didn't know him. So it was, they were both equally new. It wasn't like, Oh, I've got a new mum.
It was, I've got a new mum and dad. That's, that's how it was. That's how it felt.
Now what I didn't realize that when we were out during the day in Southend, my nan was there with us the whole time. And it wasn't that I didn't know my nan, because I'd met her loads of times when I was visiting, when we used to come and stay, you know, every weekend for a couple of months, I'd see my nan every time. We'd always go to London and see her.
So it's not like I didn't know who she was. I mean, sometimes we'd stay there. So we'd, we'd go and stay with my nan and granddad and my dad and his wife.
So we'd go to London instead of going back to where they lived. I used to like London. I used to, because at the end of that road, apart from that, it's quite a nice big garden, but at the end of the road, there was this big park and there was all these like monkey bars and swings and yeah, it was good.
That was in Enfield, Cuckoo Lane, Cuckoo Lane. Yes, we used to go there, but so I knew her, but for some reason, my memory of that event into adulthood did not involve her being with us. And it was only when I was probably in my twenties, maybe even thirties that she told me when we were talking about that.
So I was with you. I was with you the whole, the whole time. I said, really? She said, yeah.
I said, how come? She said, I had to make sure that she didn't take you away. So mine, I think my nan was probably in like, she was in a serious, a serious mode, you know, she was there to protect us in a sense of, so that we got back to the children's home and we weren't whisked away in a van somewhere and taken back to Newcastle or whatever.
I had no idea, no idea at all until she told me.
It's weird, isn't it? I mean, most of the stuff that happened previous, like, you know, stuff that happened when I was a kid, like a baby, a baby, not up to the age of like two. And before I was even born, before I was born, I get that information or I used to get that information from my nan. So stuff about my mum, stuff about their marriage when they, before they got married, me being born.
I got a little bit of information from my dad. I mean, there was a couple of times when I was in my, probably about 17 ish, ish, we spent a couple of nights or a couple of evenings drinking Scotch whiskey. And that's the only time my dad ever opened up.
And he'd go into a lot of detail about his marriage to her and stuff that happened in his life. But that's the only time, and I remember quite a lot of those conversations, even though I was worse for wear, to be honest. And I couldn't stand whiskey.
But I knew, or I realised, as the time was going on, that that was the only way he was going to actually tell me information that I wanted to know. Because this is stuff about me. This is stuff about my mum.
This was information about him, which he was never going to reveal outside of having, sharing a bottle of whiskey with him. So I'm glad we did that. But then it was interesting as well.
Stuff because I would never have known that. So between, I think twice we did that. And my nan telling me kind of what, what went on and stuff.
I had to put a picture together. It's very fragmented. There's probably a lot of information missing.
And I'm certain a lot of information that I've kind of added, that perhaps wasn't there. You know, like my imagination, you know, I mean, not stuff that I'd say here, but just in my imagination, I think of things like how it would have happened and it might not happen that way. For example, I was living with foster parents for about a year and a half.
So from the ages of about six months to two years old, something like that. I imagine what it was like living in their house. And it was me and my brother, my, my one that's just a bit older.
My oldest brother was living with my nan and granddad. So I'm not quite sure what happened there. And so during that period, we didn't really have any, I think my nan still visited us.
Because it was close, we were close by. So I don't know why we ended up in foster care. But the couple that were looking after us, decided they wanted to adopt us, like permanently.
So they must have loved us, absolutely adored us. So I don't know what age they were. For some reason, I had this idea that if they were adopting, they were probably really old.
But that's a bit of a silly assumption, isn't it? But at the same time, would they have been in their 20s? Because if they're in their 40s, when they adopted us, although 40 is not old, they'd be in their like, late 90s now. And the reason I'm saying that is because I'd really, I'd love to be able to just visit them and say thank you. Because they were prepared.
To be my parents. And to love me and you know, give me stability, which I would have had. But the social services needed to get permission from my mother for the adoption to go ahead.
So I'm guessing they must have got permission from my dad. I don't know. I'm assuming that.
So they contacted my mum. I don't know how they got in contact with her, but they did. And she came one day, and she took us all.
So she'd already left. She'd already like, gone off when I was about six months old, and she left us all in the house. My dad came home.
And there was all three of us just like, what's happened? And she was kind of... My nan told me about that day. So my granddad was still at work. If my granddad had been, because if my granddad hadn't retired yet, if my granddad had been retired, he would have stopped it.
He would have physically stopped her taking us. He would have grabbed us or whatever. She wouldn't have got away with it.
But it was just my nan. And the foster parents didn't have any say in it. Because she was our mum.
They didn't have a word in. And I think even from a social service perspective, she had the right to do that as well, because she was our mum. So she came along.
She probably took my oldest brother. What would he have been if I was two? He was six. He was probably at school.
So she came and took him out of school and took us to Newcastle. And again, my dad come home and my oldest brother was gone. It was like the second time that she'd done something.
So yeah, if they hadn't wanted to adopt us... So it's their fault, isn't it? It's their fault. Yeah, I'd like to, if they're still around, I'd love to just say thank you. Because there's something special, I think, about someone that is not biologically related.
They got no... Listen, they don't need to love you, you know? They don't feel the pressure to love you, because they've not given birth to you or they're not the sperm donor or whatever. It's like there's no pressure. But they loved us because they loved us.
And in some ways, that could be an even deeper love. I don't know if it's making sense what I'm saying, but it's almost like they didn't love us and they weren't taking care of us through some kind of duty. They must have really, really loved us deeply to decide to have us to look after us for life.
I say for life, but you know what I mean, to be our permanent parents legally. But yeah, so I don't know. They must have been living in Enfield at the time, and that would have been the early 70s.
So 71, 72, some sort of time. So I don't know. I mean, if they were in their 20s, or even if they were 30 in 1972, they'd be 80.
They'd only be in their early 80s, wouldn't they? Is that right? I was born in 1970, and I'm 55. I'll be 56 at the end of August. I know I don't sound it.
I know. We all know. I wonder how old I actually do sound.
According to JackGTP, I look my age, which isn't good. I really thought if I took a picture of myself, and I did say, oh, you look early 40s, and like, yeah, brilliant. I can have a good day now.
But no, I think the first picture, they said I looked 58. And I'm like, come on. And they said, yeah, it's because of the grey.
You're very grey. You've got a very grey beard. Yeah, but I could have dyed it grey.
I mean, there was a fashion, wasn't there, a few years ago, where people used to dye their hair grey, like young people. But we can see it's grey, though. We can see it's not.
I mean, it's not just your beard, it's your face. You don't look young. Yeah, but, so I had a little bit of a disagreement with the old chat GBT about that.
It's just because I had a neighbour move in downstairs a couple of years ago. And I told her my age, and she said, oh, you look about 45. Now, I believed, well, I semi, definitely talking to her, I had a semi, I was semi believed her, because I wanted to believe her, I guess.
And I loved her. And I wanted to have her babies. But it was weird.
She did actually have a baby, but it wasn't mine. Nope, it wasn't mine. I thought that we might kind of, I did, I let her know I liked her, and she said, well, I just, let's take it slow.
And I was putting the rubbish out one day, and I heard her not taking it slow with someone else. So I thought, okay, fair enough. Perhaps she doesn't.
Perhaps she's not in love with me. And I think I was correct. She wasn't.
I think I temporarily turned into a simp. I think that's what they call them. A very simple person.
It's very easily manipulated. But then in a way, I've been that for the last 11 years since I lived here. I don't know what happened really.
It's like I dropped my rough exterior when I moved here. Not that I was like super rough, but just, I don't know, I wanted to, I wanted life to be different. Having my own home felt like an opportunity to, like a fresh start almost.
And instead of keeping away from the neighbours, which is what I've kind of learnt to do over the decades. I mean, I do, I still used to talk to people and say hello and everything, but I've had a few problems over the years. And sometimes it's just easier to be cordial, but don't get involved.
That's what I found suited me. But when I moved here, and I realised I wasn't going to be moving out in a year's time, and I wasn't going to, my moving around every couple of years, or every three years, like I have done since I was 15, had stopped. It kind of, I wasn't doing that anymore.
That wasn't my lifestyle any longer. And to be fair, that was my lifestyle when I was a kid as well, when I was very young. So moving around a lot from the age of, well, being born, I guess, up to the age of seven.
Moving around, living in different places. And then, between the ages of seven, I moved to another place. So I moved to one place, then I moved to another place.
I lived there till I was nine. That was the council house that my nan and granddad ended up living in. And then, and then moved into our family house when I was nine to 15.
So that, at that point, that was the longest I'd ever lived anywhere. Well, probably the house, the council house was the longest I'd ever lived anywhere until I moved into the family home. And then I was there for, what, six years.
Longest I'd ever lived in one place. And then after that, I just kept moving around again. I think it's like between 40 and 50 times I've moved since I left school.
So add on all the others. So probably 60, 60 plus times I've moved, I've moved home since I was born. So it's quite a few times, I think.
So, yeah, in some ways, this might sound a bit strange, but in some ways, I do miss it. I miss that change of scenery, the newness, even if it's a bit rubbish. Even if it's, I've lived in a lot of really horrible little rooms over the years.
But there's like a degree of excitement of being somewhere new, somewhere different. Learning to navigate the local environment, finding out where the shops are, finding out the transport routes, you know, things like that. It's just getting a job, things like that.
It's very. I kind of partly liked it a little bit. A little bit.
There was a certain feeling that I used to get when I'd moved my stuff and there was never a huge amount of stuff to move, especially like in my late teens. It was a couple of black bags, maybe three, one for my bedding, one for a few bits and bobs, you know, one's for clothes. So it's three black bags.
And sometimes I just walk with the bags to the next address, so I'd get a taxi depending on how far away it was. And it was something quite, quite nice about once the move was done, sitting on the new bed. Well, it's not a new bed, but sitting on the, it was new to me, or the new chair or the new table, watching my old black and white television.
Even though it was the the 90s, the 80s and 90s, I mean, I was still watching black and white TVs. There was something quite adventurous about it, I suppose. Yeah, the lack of stability did have a, I guess there was a sense of danger with that.
I mean, it is, it can be quite a dangerous situation in a sense of not knowing really where you're going to be, not being able to plan ahead too far, because I don't know, because I used to just move, I used to, I got through so many different jobs, because I couldn't get out of bed, or I'd walk out of the job if someone said something I didn't like.
Yeah, I had one week, it sounds like it's a lie, but it's true. In one week once, I had three full-time jobs.
So, I already had a full-time job, and on the Monday afternoon, I just walked out. On the Tuesday, I had a job interview, and started on the Wednesday with that new job. And I worked the day, and I left on the Thursday morning, walked out.
And Thursday afternoon, I found another full-time job, and I started on the Friday. And I lasted probably three or four hours, and I walked out. Or I was sacked, one of them.
So, yeah, it's the only time ever that I've done that, but three full-time jobs in one week. I'm trying to think if I remember what they were. One was working on a caravan site, cleaning caravans.
That was hard, and it didn't last long. And I didn't get paid from any of them, because I didn't work like a whole week. The second one, I know they say it was working in a kitchen, in a hotel.
I think the first one was when I was working in the factory. So, yeah, I'd left the factory, then I saw three. Oh, no, blimey.
I remember now. I worked in what's the thing where you clean clothes? Dry cleaners. But it was like an industrial dry cleaners.
Wow. The heat, the heat. And it was very hard work.
And it was just, it was basically dry cleaning all the bedding really for and tablecloths for all the hotels in the town. Well, probably most of them. And I lasted.
I think I went home at lunchtime on that one. Then there was the caravan, cleaning the caravans. That was another full-time job.
And then the last one was, I was working in the kitchen, and it was just kitchen porter. So by just washing up really and cleaning and stuff. That was weird because I was there and my friend from school, Jason, was the chef.
So I think he'd done, he'd basically done his apprenticeship. So I would have been probably 18 or 19, 18 at this point. And he'd done his two years at college to become a chef or whatever.
And I suppose he was still training or maybe, but anyway, he was, that's what his job was there. So he was kind of in charge. And I was trying to have a laugh with him.
And he wasn't, he wasn't doing it. He wasn't having it because, well, it was busy. It was a busy kitchen in a busy restaurant, in a busy hotel.
I think probably I was a bit jealous of his success. Not jealous of him, but just in a sense of, well, perhaps it made me kind of think about what I had done or what I hadn't done. Because I also went to cater in college, but I did it for one year.
And it was just part of the way YMCA, YM, YT, YTS, that's it, working in a bar, in a chip shop. Instead of working in a proper place, like a hotel or a restaurant, then that would have made the qualifications would have made sense, you know. And I didn't do the second year.
I knew a few of my friends that were on the same course, and they were all working in hotels. Two of my friends were working in hotels, and they were becoming chefs. I didn't do the chef.
Mine was like chef and waiting. They were just chefs. That's what they were doing a whole lot there.
They were learning to be chefs at college and working in a hotel at the same time, you know, like in a restaurant at the same time. So mine was different, because when I wasn't at college, one day a week on a Wednesday, I do believe, I was frying chips and serving chips, which is nothing I did at college really apart from health and safety and hygiene was useful.
I mean, the only time I was pleased, I worked in a chip shop.
When I was at college was one day, they decided, well, we're gonna, because we used to cook for the restaurant in the college. So we used to cook every day, every, you know, we'd do that. And then sometimes we'd serve in the sea.
And depending on what what kind of what week we were in. And on this particular week, they said, Oh, today, we're going to do fish and chips. That's what we're going to be doing.
And they started showing us how to do it. And I was like giggling. Because that's why I was doing all day long every day.
And I was literally doing it all the time, because that was my job. And we were doing this, and we were doing, it was a much smaller setup than a, you know, than a chip shop fryer. And it was the only time that I actually excelled, that I was kind of, I want to say better, but I was better than everyone else at cooking the fry and the fish, because that's what I knew how to do.
But that was the only day when I was good. Not good, but that I kind of felt comfortable, because that was my domain. You know, I knew how to prepare fish, I knew how to, I just knew how to do it.
Because that's what I did. That's what I'd learned. That's what I've been doing for quite a lot, you know, quite a while.
In fact, I think I probably helped some of the other people out. Right, the dog started barking again. But I remember the one of the students said, How are we supposed to know if it's cooked? It's covered in batter? What are we supposed to know? And I said, and I felt like I was being really wise.
I said, you know, when it's cooked, when it's ready, because it floats. You still got to turn it over a few times. But it floats.
If it's at the bottom of the pan, or at the bottom of the frying pan, or whatever, it's not ready. When it floats, I kept saying the word floats. Now I do believe that's still true.
I can't remember. But it was one of those things like, if it's because it sinks to the bottom, but not all fish sinks to the bottom when you put it in. But generally, you know, some stuff does and it floats when it's ready, when it's cooked, cooked.
Plus, if you cook something all the time, you know, when it's ready. That's the one thing I did learn from doing catering and working in different catering places. I know when when foods cooked.
Not particularly good cook or anything. But I know when something's ready. I can almost smell it.
Can you know, it's like, yeah, it's ready. I don't know how to check as well. I'm not sure if I'd even be able to cook fish anymore.
It's been such a long time. Or chips. Anyway, Vinnie wants to go out for a walk.
Don't you Vinnie? Yeah, his tackle is waggling. So I'm going to go. I only got through one question.
I didn't really even answer it. I just went on and talked. What was I talking about? I don't know.
I don't know what it's like to be able to just stick to one thing and talk about it. And I don't know. Anyway, so this has been my chat GPT Q&A Friday.
I'm probably not even going to put it down as a Q&A Friday. Just it's just what it is, whatever it is, it is what it is. So I'm going to go.
In fact, it's actually Saturday morning. So I'm a little bit late doing Q&A Friday. It's 9.12am. So 1st of August 2025.
So thank you for listening. I'm going to take Vinnie out now. So remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy.
Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to feel safe. Lots of love.
Bye. Oh, did you hear that? What's that Vinnie? What? Bye.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.