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Hello, hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. Mama, mama, mama, mama, hello, hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason New-land, yeah, I'm here with Vinnie, who just woke me up, it's particularly early in the morning, and I thought he wanted something to eat, so I got him some new breakfast, he didn't really eat much food yesterday, he had dried food, but he didn't eat much wet food, I just put it on the floor, on a bowl, you just chuck it on the floor, I'm not a caveman, and he's not interested, so he's just lying here next to me, very quiet, looks like he's thinking,
like he's contemplating, almost like he's got some kind of philosophical dilemma, he's battling with, and you might think, oh, how did I come to that conclusion, by looking at the back of his head, I don't know, maybe it's just a feeling, just a, yeah, maybe an invisible, emotional, spiritual connection that we have, and you may be wondering where I'm going with this, and so am I, I'm really, I've got no idea what I'm talking about right now, but then how often do I know what I'm talking about?
How often? I mean, quite a lot, it's just me just waffling on about nothing, and it seems to be another case of that particular activity occurring again, yes, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, yesterday, oh, I had to do my PIP forms, my Personal Independence Payment forms, and I put them off, I put them off for about a week, no, a week, about a week, yeah, about a week, and then yesterday, I had nine days to get it back to them, so I decided,
that's it, I'm going to get on with it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to get down to it, I'm going to, you know, cut my toenails, I'm going to have three baths, I was going to try and invent a new, a new way of cooking fish fingers, a way that's never been done before, maybe discover a new alternative for the wheel, pretty much anything but to fill the PIP form in, I was looking for distractions, excuses not to do that form, fill it in, because it's not, it,
I just didn't find it easy, I didn't really, I didn't, yeah, it wasn't particularly enjoyable, and I got it, I did it, I did do it, and I made a bit of a hash up of it, they may well send it back, I mean, honestly, I think I'm probably going to be the only person who gets their PIP form sent back to them, graded, like A to D, honestly, I'm going to probably be like D minus, like, needed more work, more preparation, you know, why, why do you keep talking about donuts?
It's going to be lots of weird thoughts, or probably comments on there about it, I mean, we didn't need to know about your toenails, so I need to cut my toenails, I think that's what is now in my mind, I mean, don't get me wrong, my toenails aren't like, out of control, they're not living their own life, you know, I'm not getting woken up at two in the morning, by my toenails that are coming back from a nightclub, I'm not, my toenails are fine, they're still intact, but they're just getting a little bit long,
I want to say long, you know, nothing weird, they're not, you know, I haven't got like, the local paper, newspaper, like, begging me for pictures, it's nothing like that, they're not unusually long, they're just long, long, that's all, that's all it is, do you think I sound like James Bond, Roger, Roger Bond, that's the way it is, my name's Jason, my name's Newland, Jason Newland, hmm, who's the other Bond, George Lazenby, how weird is that, one James Bond movie, just one, his name stayed famous, being the second James Bond,
wait a minute, I thought it was Roger Moore, who is the second James Bond, Roger Moore, no, George Lazenby, apparently, I think he didn't want to do it again, he didn't enjoy the experience, I think, or some other reason, I'm sure there's gonna be a reason, isn't there, why he didn't do a second one, and I don't know about you, I mean, I don't know what you're doing right now, I mean, you might be, probably doing yoga, I don't know, do I, getting funny looks from the other people on the bus,
I don't know, but in my country, you know, the country that I'm in charge of, they still, the TV channels, still, you know, the main terrestrial channels, still show James Bond movies, and bearing in mind all the different James Bonds that there have been, and it's been a few now, can I remember the last time that George Lazenby's movie was on television, his version of James Bond, no, wait a minute, I know, it was yesterday, that's what I'm thinking about it, no it wasn't, I can't remember, they never put it on,
well, I'm not sure, they rarely put even the, it's like, the only James Bond movies that seem to be on, that, you know, sort of Christmas, well not Christmas, but, you know, during the daytime, kind of, holiday season, seems to be the Roger Moore or Sean Connery, Roger Moore hasn't made a James Bond movie for 600 years, I always liked Roger Moore, I know something about him I liked, you know, there was the old, what was that, he was in Tony Curtis, him and Tony Curtis were in a TV show in the 60s,
a good TV show, the chemistry was really good, it was funny, it was bright, colourful, what was it called, I forget, but it was, I quite liked it, not in the 60s because I wasn't alive in the 60s, but before, you know, when I was alive, most of the TV programs I've enjoyed have been when I've been alive, okay, that sounded weird, oh, I forget the name of the TV show, but it was a good TV show, Roger Moore, before being James Bond, before changing his name to James Bond,
he was Simon Templar, the Saint, which I don't think is the, something like that, the Saint, there's very little difference between the Saint and James Bond, except that James Bond is a little bit more determined, a little bit more trigger happy, maybe, it's almost like the same character, he even looks the same, I don't know why, why it was called the Saint, because they had a different version in the early 80s, I think, and it was the Saint, but it was a new, a new actor called Ian Orgilvy, who was great, really, really good, I'd never seen the original, so I had nothing to compare it with, but I still think Ian Orgilvy was great.
But the advert would show, like before the TV show came on, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, something like that, and he had a halo above his head, and he'd look up, and I thought, I've got to get me one of them, that is so cool, it's like, almost like he winked to himself, and this halo just appeared above his head, this light, and I thought, wow, and I remember saying to my step mum, because this is before the TV show came on, I said, is he, could he turn himself invisible, she said,
you have to wait and see, now clearly she knew that he wasn't going to go invisible, because she'd been around in the 60s, and she'd seen the original one, with Roger Moore, I said, has he got superpowers, can he fly, and she said, you're going to have to wait and see, I said, has he got super speed, she said, what, I said, what is super speed, for example, if someone chucked an egg, a rotten egg at him, would you be able to just like, stop the egg, just take it out of the air,
because everything is moving so slowly, and replace it with a nice fresh egg, and then go and stand back where he was, so that he gets covered in the nice egg, rather than the off egg, and she said, no, but why would he want to do that, I said, what do you mean, why would, you wouldn't want to be hit by a smelly off egg, would you, she said, yeah, but if he could move extra fast, firstly, I've got two questions, I said, okay, so you've got one question left,
she said, no, I've got two questions, I said, so you're not including, oh, wait a minute, that was a statement, wasn't it, she said, yeah, I said, okay, you haven't got to have an attitude, I'm only nine, she said, alright, but you should know the difference between a statement and a question, and I said, I'm still learning, I said, and you wouldn't believe what else, stepmummy, she said, what, I said, they're only trying to teach me French, French, I've only just learnt what a full stop is in English,
and they're trying to teach me another language, she said, I know, I'll try to have a word with them, I said, you did, she said, yeah, I tried to let them know that, and you weren't really, perhaps, up for learning a new language, especially French, just didn't think that you'd be, you know, wanting to do it, that you wouldn't be able to do it, and I said, okay, so how did it get on, she said, I don't know, what do you mean, she said, I couldn't understand them, the bloke was French,
okay, I said, stepmum, he said, yes, stepson, she said, she said, he said, I don't know, someone's talking, I said, when you asked the question to the French teacher, you know, when you said, oh, you know, when you made the statement, sorry, that perhaps I wasn't ready to learn a new language, she said, yeah, I said, were you in the office, she said, no, I said, were you in the canteen, she said, no, I said, were you on the roof, she giggled, and she said, no, I wasn't on the roof,
I said, in that case, were you, per chance, sitting in the classroom with all the other pupils, she said, yeah, how did you know that, I said, okay, and, you know, just a reminder, when you're in that classroom with the other pupils learning French, am I correct in saying that you can only speak in French, there's no English speaking at all, and she said, oui, oui, oui, oui, I said, oh, I will go if you need to, and we both laughed, because, I should explain this, we, like going oui oui means yes,
yes, in France, because in France, you know, if you're listening in France, you're already going to, you'll probably be aware of this, I mean, it might be, might be new information, but in France, this might blow your mind, but, you know, anyway, I feel like I'm kind of letting, I give too much away in these podcasts, too much knowledge, anyway, in France, they have a different language, they speak different, it's almost like they've got a different word for everything, and oui oui means yes, yes, but over here,
oui oui means got to do oui oui, like a number one, like a oui, not literally, I don't shout out oui, when I urinate, I don't, I don't, I sometimes do, sometimes, do you ever stand on a little stool, when you go to the toilet, and do a oui oui, just to pretend to be taller, like, oh, this is what it feels like, I can't be the only one that does that, anyway, I said, see, he was in the classroom, she said, yeah, I said, you can only speak French,
she said, yeah, I said, that's probably the problem, there's a miscommunication, and he was probably, if I'm just guessing, speaking French, and you don't know any French, and she said, yeah, but there's something about him, it's very captivating, and I said, do you mean the big box of chocolates, he has on his desk, that everyone could just help themselves, she said, yeah, oh, it was lovely, I said, fair enough, but not lovely enough to try and learn a new language, and she said, well, maybe not, I said, see,
and then she said something very weird to me, she said, do you see JJ, I said, yes, that mummy, wondering, you know, she's never called me that before, I said, she said, I've got a question for you, I said, all right, go on, she said, do you remember why we're talking about French lessons, and boxes of chocolate on the teacher's desk, and I said, I'll be honest with you, I'm not sure, we kind of, yeah, don't really know, it's, I don't know, she said, yeah, you sound confused, and I said,
well, I'm not confused, I'm just, I'm interested, very mildly interested, in what comes next, because I don't really know how I got here, to this part of the recording, and let's face it, it's not the first time I've ended up in the middle of nowhere, conversationally, but I'm trying to find a way out, so I can get back to the original content, or subject matter, that was being verbally discussed, and my step-mother shouted out, the saint, I said, yeah, she said, it was the saint, the TV show, the saint,
I thought, okay, what's that got to do with France though, she said, I don't know, and I can't do all the work for you, I thought it'd be enough for me, just to let you know, the subject you were talking about, yeah, you didn't really let me know, did you, you just said, the saint, I didn't know if you started to sing, or when the saints come marching in, I mean, I don't know why you would sing that, yeah, that's probably one of my favourite Elvis movies, is it Roustabout,
I'm just a roustabout, drifting from town to town, no one can hold me down, I'm just a knuckabout boy, I don't know if I got all those lyrics correctly, but George Lazenby, or Lazenby, Lazenby, he only did one James Bond movie, and if I'm correct, he was a competing world champion in Judo, yeah, hmm, I mean, it might not be true, but it might also be true, that's the things about things that are true, sometimes they are, sometimes they're not, I mean, technically, you know, something that isn't true,
wouldn't be in the category of something that is true, but it's the, it's still within that ballpark, because sometimes, you know, I might answer a question in a way that sounds like I'm just blatantly lying, when actually I just forgot, so, for example, I think a few days ago, oh yeah, my neighbour asked me, he said something about, I thought you were going to bring the, your step ladder downstairs, to lend it to us, this was at the weekend, he said, I thought you said you were going to bring it down yesterday,
and I said, oh, I wasn't able to, because I had to do the biggest, the world's largest jigsaw puzzle, which was of a really large teddy bear, and it was 68 foot long, this, it was to size, to scale, and that's why I didn't get back in time to give you your, the step, you know, for you to stand on, to do this really, really long jigsaw puzzle of a teddy bear, 68 foot long, or whatever it was, and she said, are you lying, and I said, yeah,
and she didn't seem to be upset, she, she was more confused, I don't know what confused her most, the fact that I was lying, the content of the lie, or just, that my toenails really needed to be cut, and for some reason, I kept showing them to my neighbours, now, I don't know about you, oh, I'm so tired, I'm half asleep now, doing this, I'm starting to drift, hmm, I quite easily just drift off to sleep, it's very quiet in here, yeah, I could, why did I start thinking about rice pudding,
my step mum, my first step mum, used to cook rice pudding, yeah, it was nice, tasted so different from the rice pudding you get in a, in a shop, or in a little rice pudding, I almost, I actually fell asleep during that sentence, I know I was talking about rice pudding, but I just drifted off, drifted off momentarily, as I was talking about rice pudding, but in my defence, it's not probably the most exciting subject I could have chosen, it's not the worst subject, there's more boring subjects than that, yeah, there must be, a history of concrete, that would be boring, no offence to concrete, yeah, I don't mind concrete, hmm,
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.