(10 hours) #24 Wooden benches - SLEEPY Boring Objects (Jason Newland) (23rd November 2021)

Hello, thank you for listening. My name is Jason Newland. My website is jasonnewland.com and this is on Boring Objects.

Hello, please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. It's very important that you allow yourself this time to just relax. You may wish to listen to this lying down on your bed and decide to drift off to sleep to the sound of my very, very boring voice.

Or you may choose to sit in a chair. Make sure it's comfortable and supports your body just in case again you may fall asleep out of sheer, sheer boredom. And basically what I do is I talk about a specific topic or subject or object in these recordings and I just talk about that particular thing for the duration of the recording.

And I don't just stop halfway through, I go all the way through to the end. If nothing, I'm a finisher. I struggle to get started sometimes, but when I do start, I like to finish.

Unless of course I don't, then I don't finish, depending on what I'm doing. Some things are never finishable, are they? For example, building my website, it's never going to be finished, because I'm always recording new podcasts and new recordings and therefore it's never going to be complete. Because when I've updated the website with the latest audio recordings that I have produced, then the next day or whenever I produce a new recording, I'm like, oh, I need to add that to the website.

It's almost as if the website is never finished. It's never complete because I need to add this new one. And then I think, oh, it's complete now.

That's good. It's all done. Then I go and record another one.

So oh, I got to add that and I don't mind. It just sometimes, it'd be nice to sort of look at it and think, well, that's now done. But it's never going to be done.

I'm a little bit behind adding the recordings of the last couple of days onto there. So I need to do that. In fact, I'm just gonna have a look.

What is the what's the last one I put on there? Not that's really that important. But there's probably quite a few that I need to add. The last most recent one on the website is Let Me Bore You To Sleep 763, My Childhood Home from the 6th of November.

So yeah, I'm a little bit behind. Oh no, it's not. I lied.

It's Feeling Better number 766. Let Me Bore You To Sleep the 10th of November. Yeah.

So I'm a little bit behind, you could say on that. But it's okay. I mean, I've been doing websites for some time now.

So I suppose, you know, but I'm not going to talk about websites today. I'm going to talk about I'm going to talk about benches. I'm going to talk about benches.

So I mean, benches, when I talk when I when I say the word benches, I think of a something that you find in a park, like a park bench, as opposed to a roof bench. I don't know. I suppose some people listening to this may have a bench in in your garden.

The weird thing about benches, wooden benches, is if you went into someone's house, and into someone's living room, and there was a choice of a chair, a settee, or a wooden bench, you probably choose the settee or like a normal chair. Because wooden benches aren't really, you wouldn't class it as being a comfortable thing to sit on. But when you're in a park, and you've been walking around and you your little tootsies are a bit tired from all the walking, and you sit down and you rest your your big fat bum on that wooden bench, doesn't it feel nice?

Doesn't it feel so ever so restful, ever so relaxing, as if you can find one that isn't covered in bird poop? But sometimes you just got to choose.

I mean, I think with most of the park benches that I was going to say have a relationship with, I don't think that would be weird. Splinters galore, I imagine. I've seen, I sit in park benches, I sit on them rather.

Sometimes it's the case of just choosing which side is the least fresh of bird poo, you know. Sometimes it's just, it might just be a stain on the wood of many years of seagulls and pigeons using it as a toilet. It's a nice place to sit to eat anyway.

And sometimes if I've, if I've got a jacket on, I'll perhaps put the jacket down and sit on the jacket. Or other times, maybe if I've got some kind of something to wipe the the bench with, I might use that. And then of course, there's those times when it's been raining, and the bench is maybe nice and kind of clean.

And you can sit there and you can eat your dinner or your lunch or pack lunch, a sandwich, or maybe a burger from a burger establishment of your choice. Or maybe not of your choice, but maybe the closest one to the park. We have a Wimpy where I live near the park.

There's also, what's those words? It's a place, Love Thy Burger or something it's called. And you can choose your own burger. I've never gone in there.

I've never, I've never really thought of burgers as being an artistic event in my life, where or that I need to micromanage the making of a burger. Just you know, I'll order a cheeseburger or quarter pound of cheese and you deliver me the quarter pound of cheese when it's cooked. I don't really want to be involved in the production of said burger, if I'm honest with you.

And just in the same way as I've seen on the internet and some TV documentaries is some restaurants where you go in and you end up cooking your own food. I mean, what's that about? I'm not going to cook my own food. It's bad enough if I use the public toilet that I have to wipe my own bum.

I don't have to cook my own food. But there you go, each to their own, I guess. But oh yeah, park benches.

There's a few in the park. In the park that I go to, there's, as you go in, because there's two big gates to this park and there's actually a castle in it, in the park. And as you turn, if you look to your left, there is, it's not a normal bench, as in, you know, four legs, or do they have more than four legs? Do some benches have six legs?

I think they might have, you know, because they're long.

They might have six legs, maybe, I don't know. I've never really looked at the legs with that much interest. And I'll be honest with you, I didn't know I was going to be talking about benches, wooden benches.

I didn't know that was going to happen, kind of, in my life. It's hard to prepare for really. You know, it wasn't, it's not been a goal of mine to talk about wooden benches.

It's not been on my bucket list of things to do. You know, skydiving, seeing all the wonders of the world, meeting the Dalai Lama, talking about a wooden bench, you know, that wasn't quite on that list, if I'm honest. So, but this bench in the park on the left-hand side is almost a built-in to the wall in a kind of semicircle, and benches either side of the semicircle.

I'm probably not explaining it very well, but I can't think of a better way to describe it. If you're facing where the benches are, there's actually, it's more like two semicircles with a bit of concrete in the middle, and then another semicircle, the two with a bench built into the semicircle. Yeah, that is, I think I explained that as well as I'm probably going to.

I quite like sitting there because it's close to the entrance, which means I haven't got as far to go to get back out of the park. It's not that I'm worried about getting lost. I just, I'm just very lazy.

And I mean, there's no point sitting in a park, eating a burger, and then walking a long distance to get out of the park again. What's the point in eating fast food if then you're going to exercise afterwards? That defeats the object of eating fatty fried food. You know, it's like, no.

So I try and sit as close to the entrance of the park as possible. So I quite like that bench. Plus, there's a little bit of people watching, I guess.

I'll eat the burger and they'll see a few hundred people walk past me during that yummy time of delicious eating. Normally, I have a milkshake as well. They used to be called thick shakes in McDonald's back in the 80s.

But you didn't know that, did you? It's true. Used to be called thick shakes. Then they changed them to milkshakes.

They were always milkshakes, but they used to be thick. They still are thick for McDonald's. But I tend to go to the Wimpy because I just prefer their quarter pounders.

And it's very rare. I don't go very often. Although I'm thinking of going now because I'm hungry.

I'm saliva-ing. Is it saliva-ing? Salivating? Basically dribbling, dribbling all over myself. But wooden benches.

There's quite a few in the park. There's, I reckon, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Probably just in the first layer of the park.

Then there's some a little bit higher up. I think three benches. Then down there's one, two, three, four, five, six, probably another ten or so benches lower down.

I remember walking past one bench, it was a wooden bench, and I was on a date with a lady and I held her hand and she pulled her hand away from mine. A very busy park. Very busy.

Lots and lots of people there. Now, I didn't realise at the time, but I'd held a stranger's hand. I mean, she was off looking at some flowers and there was another lady next to me so I held her hand and after about ten minutes she's sort of like, get off, get off.

I was like, oh. By that time I was actually back at her house and I was helping her unload the dishwasher. So that was a bit weird.

But this lady was kind of weird really because the other stuff didn't happen really. I was on a date and we'd already kissed earlier on in the date and there was someone I knew. I knew her.

I'd known her for a while and we sort of started, decided to sort of get it on, you know. Get it going. Kick-starting the love machine.

You know, that basically getting, I was the love machine in that scenario. And she was the one kicking me. And she, we, um, I held her hand in the park and she pulled away.

Well, I knew then that maybe there was something not quite right going on. I had an inkling, if I'm honest, that maybe something wasn't working. Now, I'm not sure if it was before or after.

We went into an electrical shop because we were going to go to the cinema, but the cinema had already started the movie and the next one wasn't for like three hours. This was on a Sunday. And so we, she said she needed to go and get some light bulbs.

And I thought to myself, that's a, that's a romantic thing to do, isn't it? Buying light bulbs. So I thought she was really into me. And she said she also needed to get to the dentist.

But it's a Sunday, so she can't really go in there. And I didn't really know why she was talking about the dentist, if I'm honest. It's not open on a Sunday.

Why, why did she mention it? But, uh, she, she went, we went to this electrical shop. She went and looked for light bulbs. I'll be honest, maybe I'm not the romantic, the most romantic person in the world, because I couldn't get excited about light bulbs.

So I went and had a look at some of the other stuff, like the microphones and, you know, stuff that interests me. If I just have a little look around why she did that. So I was looking at some of the stuff, decided there wasn't anything that I really needed, or was that interested in.

So I'm on the way home, walking up the hill, and my phone rings. And it's her on the phone saying, where are you? And I forgot all about her. I just walked up the hill.

I just left the shop. I forgot. I'm not sure if that went down very well.

Um, but I didn't, it wasn't purposeful. I just, I'm so used to doing things on my own that I just was in my own little world. And I was, I left the shop and I suppose if only I'd had more interest in light bulbs, perhaps we'd still be together.

But I remember I think actually we were walking down through the park to get to the electrical, or maybe we were walking up through the park. I just had this memory of walking past a park bench. I just remember that I remember the exact bench because there was flowers there.

And I held her hand and she pulled away. She didn't scream. She didn't spit at me or anything.

It was wasn't anything too weird, but it was embarrassing for me. And also pretty funny for anyone that saw it. And there was someone watching.

And I'm sure they were laughing. And as we're walking away, I could hear them on their phone saying, Oh, you should have seen this man. He tried to hold this lady's head and she pulled away and told him get off me get off me.

Who are you? Like, it was it was not good. And then we went back to you went to the video store that's back in the days when blockbusters was still alive. And we got this a long time ago.

This is back in 2010. I think 2011 January 2011. I think it was so it's 10 years ago, over 10 years ago.

And she said, Oh, we got a video or DVD out. And it was the karate kid. The new version with Will Smith's son and Jackie Chan.

And I've never watched the film since we only watched a bit of it. She started playing with my ears, which I thought was either weird or a really good sign. I wasn't sure.

And then it was time for me to leave. So I don't think I had the correct ears for her. It was very unusual.

One of the weirdest dates I've ever been on and I've been on a few. And what made it weirder is we we thought we got on really well. And we were talking on the phone nearly every day leading up to that Sunday.

And we knew each other in person, but never actually been out in public. You know, never been out socially. Just I used to I met her at a place I used to meditate.

And it was a public library. She didn't meditate, she was reading, but I used to, I used to balance on the top of the bookcases and do a bit of yoga, you know, as you do. And they were wooden too, just like the wooden benches that for some reason I've not mentioned for a while.

She had the smallest flat I've ever been in in my life. It was absolutely tiny. And she gave me for lunch.

She gave me soup and some bread. I thought, well, if I what do you do for a living? Are you a prison officer? That's what I thought you know, soup and bread. That's not a dinner.

That's a starter at best. Soup and bread. I was a bowl of soup and bread.

How is that gonna be? What's that gonna do for me? That will keep me going until we get into town to get to McDonald's. But and that was just what she liked to eat. And I'm, I can eat soup when I'm not feeling particularly well.

You know, soup can be very comforting. I love tomato soup. I really do.

And sometimes I like to have crackers with my tomato soup. Like, you know, the little crackers with a bit of butter on and the hot tomato soup melts the butter. Oh, it's nice.

And it drips all over the top of the soup. And it's very Yeah, I do like it. But I quite like bread as well.

But or toast, toast is nice. But sometimes after going through the whole process of heating up the soup, I just don't have any more energy for making toast. Yeah, but I do like a bit of soup.

Not really a big fan of the oxtail soup. I'll drink it. I mean, what else you can you do that? Yeah.

Grouting, you can't grout some tiles. I can't. I don't mind oxtail soup.

I just never liked the sound of it. Just the idea of an oxtail being turned into soup. Didn't didn't didn't like the sound of it.

Didn't don't mind the taste. But it's one of those things that I'd have as a kid, because I had no choice. You know, when you were a kid, you pretty much just get what you're given and have to kind of make do.

I, as an adult, wouldn't choose oxtail soup. I like chicken soup. I like tomato soup.

But I would say I like them for different reasons. I like chicken soup because I like chicken. I like the taste of chicken soup.

And I like tomato soup because I like the taste of tomatoes. The tomato soup is nice. So it's two different reasons, two different tastes.

But I think chicken soup is something that's a lot thicker. And it's probably in some ways, I'd think it's perhaps more nutritious than a tomato soup. But I do love a bit of tomato soup.

I really do. I've never drunk tomato soup sitting on a bench, a wooden bench before. I thought about getting a wooden bench for the garden.

Because we've got a shared garden out the back where I live. But then other people might sit on it. And it'll be mine because I bought it, I paid for it.

It's my bench. I don't want other people sitting on my bench. It's mine.

So what if someone tries to sit next to me? If I'm sitting out there, and they try and sit next to me? That'll be awkward. It'll be very uncomfortable for them. When I start shouting, get off my bench.

It's my bench. Yeah, what if I went out there and there was two people sitting on the bench? And they said, Oh, it's okay. There's room in the middle for a little one.

Why do people only ever say that to big people? And why is it always someone that's sitting on a chair, like a settee, a sofa. And there's two of you sitting there. And the other person says to the biggest person in the room, Oh, come sit here.

There's plenty of room for a little one. And I have to say no, there isn't. There is plenty of room for a little one, but you're not a little one.

So you're gonna have to sit somewhere else. Because I'm not a little one, which means I take probably three quarters of a settee of a sofa. The only reason the other person's sitting there is because they are a little one, and they can just about fit on there next to me.

No room for another big one. Only room for one big one on a settee. And that's me.

So there. My bum actually sits on two seats. I can sit on both.

But I don't know why am I sat by? I'm single, by the way, if anyone's interested. So wooden benches. I used to sit on a wooden bench on the seafront when I was about 18.

And I used to write, I started writing my journals back then. And I did it for about 25 years. Don't do it anymore.

But I did it for quite a while. I used to write journals and like a yeah, it's like a diary really. But also writing not just my feelings and what's happened, but also ideas and you know, stuff like that.

But I haven't done it for years and years and years. However, I do the Let Me Bore You To Sleep and it's kind of a similar thing really, but it's just verbalized. Talk about what's happened and, you know, my dreams and aspirations and the odd story, etc, etc.

And I just sit on this on a wasn't I mean, it wasn't a particular wooden bench that I would choose. But I would sit on the wooden bench on the seafront on the promenade. And just write, have a A4 pad, and a pen, always find that's useful.

And I would, I quite like those felt pens, not not like felt tip pens that you draw and color in stuff when you're a child. But the felt tip, kind of the felt pens that you buy the other day, they're really good for writing with. And I used to write for hours.

Sometimes I'd read. I'd read I'd have a book. I think when I was about 16 or 1716 I think I had a life story of Sigmund Freud.

And I read that. I think I also read the history of time is it from Hawkins. And I didn't understand a word of what he said.

You might think Oh, he was only young. You shouldn't give yourself a hard time. He was only 16 or 17 shouldn't give yourself half time hard time JJ.

You know, be kind to yourself be gentle. You didn't understand the word of it because it was it was beyond your years. It wasn't something that you'd understand about wormholes and black holes and time and stuff.

He was just a teenager. Well, the reason I didn't understand it was a German edition. It was in German.

I didn't. So there you go. Took me three weeks to realize I gave it a go though.

I'm not a quitter. Apart from when I quit. They quit quite often.

Constantly constantly giving things up. But other than that, I'm not a quitter. And other times I sat on benches.

I used to sit on the bench at the local cemetery when I moved to Stratford had a cemetery behind us. It was an old cemetery. There was not you didn't have access to it because I suppose a lot of people that had the plague and stuff back then.

But they had a new cemetery and I used to go in there and sit down on the bench and have me pack lunch. Have a little picnic really. That was nice.

Very quiet. Very quiet. Other benches, wooden benches.

I've sat on a few different benches over the years. Different parks. Various different places.

Even train stations wooden benches I have. I sit down on them. Although a lot of the wooden benches have been replaced with metal benches instead.

And they're not the same. They're a little bit a little bit slippery. Especially when they get really wet.

They are really when they have holes in them so that they don't get like puddles anymore. Not all of them but you know the newer ones generally have holes in them. But you can slip off them a little.

It's quite easy to slip off them. Especially if you've greased yourself up first as well beforehand. Easy to slip off them.

I'm trying to think of some other wooden benches. I tried to sleep on a wooden bench a few times. And always went back to the bed.

Always went back to the bed. You know good old bed. Like well why am I trying to do this? Why don't I just go? You know.

Why don't I just sleep in the bed? What's the point in park benches? You know. So what I did is the next day I returned the bench back to the park. Difficult getting it through the window.

Couldn't get it through the door. It's too long. Trying to think what other benches I might have been on.

That's it I think. I think it's all the wooden benches that I can recall off the top of my head having sat in. Yeah I think that's it.

Hey what's wrong with my ears? Why? I mean she played with my ears for about five minutes. And then said oh maybe it's time to leave. Can you tell from someone's ears? Something about their character? Or their intention? Or can you tell the future by someone's ears? It's like tea leaf reading.

But ear earwax reading or something. I don't know. Did what was she was looking for? What secret was she searching for with my ears? Maybe when she was younger she maybe one of her first boyfriends she played with their ears and you know he he had some kind of weird ear fetish thing and she and he like got excited and told her that it was the most amazing experience ever and since then she's she thought that was a way of making making another person feel amazing by flicking their ears.

But I had my ears flicked by. I didn't um and squashed. They just didn't you know just pulling at the love literally pulling away from each other.

Like look look like Dumbo. It's not funny. It's not funny at all.

All right I don't know what it was. But I've not got nothing against having my ears touched. I touch them myself sometimes.

But yeah I wonder if it's some kind of weird not a weird but just a new kind of way of telling the future. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe she'd run out of ways of trying to tell the future and that's why she asked me out on a date because she just thought well I've tried the crystal ball.

I've tried the tarot cards. I've tried the Ouija board. I've tried all that stuff.

I tried astrology. I know I'm gonna try this man's ears. If I play with his ears for five minutes maybe I can tell the future.

There's got to be a way to tell the future. Maybe I was her last hope. I don't know.

Maybe that's why she got so concerned when I walked out of the shop and forgot about her because she'd had that planned. What about his ears? Just you can go but just leave your ears with me. Just leave your ears here please.

Like no I need them. So anyway other than that park benches. Yeah I've had some okay times on park benches but I just find it funny that in normal circumstances you wouldn't choose a park bench to sit in for comfort but they are quite comfortable when you're outside for a period of time and that's probably all I have to say on the subject of wooden benches and I hope that this was very educational and very boring so thank you for listening and goodbye bye bye bye until next time see y'all