(10 hours) #9 Swimming pools SLEEPY Boring Objects (Jason Newland) (23rd September 2021)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Boring Objects. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Today I'm going to talk about swimming pools.

Swimming pools. I thought if I said it twice it would have some kind of dramatic effect but having said it twice I realized that it kind of sounded like I'd forgotten that I'd already said it. Had some kind of weird short-term memory issue.

Sounded like I had some kind of weird short-term memory issue. So today I'd like to talk about swimming pools. Swimming pools.

And I suppose I should, well maybe don't have to, but I'm not really a swimmer. By that I don't mean that I couldn't enter for the Olympics. I mean I really can't swim.

Although I can, but I can't. So it's not really as straightforward and straight cut as a swimming pool I guess. If it's quite straight isn't it.

My first experience in my memory was, well it had nothing to do with swimming pools actually. So I guess if I just focus on swimming pools. My first memory of swimming pools was walking through the, I don't know what that is, the liquid that you walk through.

Is it bleach? Whatever that you walk through in order to make sure your feet are clean before getting into the swimming pool. I mean I remember when I was a little kid I used to think, what about me bum? That's much dirtier than my feet. I mean as far as I know poo has never come out of my toes.

That's what I used to think back then. That's when I realised that I was an intellectual. And I was on a course for great things.

Yeah but I remember walking through that. It was like a tiny little pool of coloured water. I don't think it was, it was red.

I just had this memory of it being red or yellow or something like that. Maybe blue. But it wasn't, it wasn't rainbow coloured.

But that's quite a difficult colour to put together isn't it? I think on a static page a rainbow colour works. Or in a painting or as a design. Rainbow is a colour, it works really well.

But in liquid form, it just starts to mix together. So it doesn't work quite as well. But I don't think it was rainbow colour.

Someone told me it was for Verrucas. I remember saying but I don't want a Verruca. They said no it doesn't give you Verrucas.

It stops the spreading of Verrucas in the swimming pool. And I remember thinking, well if anything isn't it going to spread Verrucas? Because one person walks through there that has a Verruca and the other 35 people walks into the water afterwards and won't they get that Verruca juice on their toes and their feet? But I didn't have anyone to ask that question for because there was no one in charge of the little pool.

But there was the first time I went to the swimming pool because Verruca's person wasn't in charge of that little bit.

They did come over to me and say you're not supposed to sit in there. That's the foot wash. I just thought it was like a just a smaller swimming pool for people that couldn't swim.

I thought it was like a training pool but it wasn't. So that's my first memory being, you know, using that, what I thought was a little paddling pool and getting into the swimming pool, into the, the, the what's it, the shallow area, the shallow end. And even the shallow end was quite deep for me because I was, I need about two foot tall.

So I had to wear these, is it water wings? You know, the, the plastic blow up, inflatable blow up things that you put at the top of your arm. If when you put them on, it feels a little bit like you're having your blood pressure done. Yeah, so that was good.

And that kept me afloat. But then I also used a, when I was able to, a polystyrene, it was a little bit like a polystyrene surfing board, but like a mini one. One that you would maybe put or, you know, you could lie on it with around about your chest and your stomach area, or you could hold it with your, with both your hands and flap your legs and feet and, you know, swim along.

Hard to do with just one hand because for some reason it seems to just pop out of your hand, but two hands, it's a lot easier. Very much like digging coal, two handed is, is better. Playing tennis, I guess you could technically be one handed, but you probably would need both hands.

Trying to think of things that need, or that you could do with just one hand. Darts, darts, knife throwing. I mean, I guess there's not many people have knife throwing as a, as an occupation, but then this was never really about occupations.

It was about swimming pools. When I was a young child, they didn't used to be called swimming pools. They used to be called swimming baths.

Now I misunderstood and a couple of times I was kicked out and they'd shout at me saying, take your soap with you and your flannel and all your little toys, your little frog that swims along and your rubber duck. I was having a bath. That's what I was trying to explain.

I took soap and a flannel and I was actually washing myself in the, in the, that's why they, they were telling me to get my soap. And that's why they were shouting at me to come back and retrieve my soap. Sometimes, you know, when you're washing and you've got the soap in both hands and if your hands are wet and the soap is wet and they're very slippery, sometimes when you push your hands together, nothing happens.

It just stays there. But other times it might shoot out and hit a member of staff. So the swimming pool staff weren't always friendly to me.

It's almost like they'd expect me to turn up and have a big wash or maybe just take some laundry with me and, you know, just, but as I said to myself, I'll bring the, I'm bringing the laundry, but it's my mum that's washing, she's the one doing it. They said, yeah, but you, it was your idea. I said, how do you know it's my idea? I'm a four-year-old child.

What ideas am I likely to ever really have? They didn't have an answer to that. They didn't have an answer. So there was my mum washing the clothes at the side of the swimming pool.

I'd, and they were trying to blame it on me just because I was there foaming up and having a shave and stuff. Like, no, it's not fair. I don't think it's fair for me to take the blame for the whole family's actions.

My grandma's the other side of the pool washing the dishes. I wasn't responsible for what she did. Definitely wasn't responsible for all the singing.

I remember them saying to me, this is as bad as it's ever gone. We've never been so shocked in all our lives. We've never seen such lack of respect towards other members of the public.

And just the basic disregard and contempt. Contempt for the rules of this swimming baths. And I didn't know what contempt meant.

I knew it wasn't a type of ravioli. I knew that, but I wasn't, you know, it's just a process of elimination, but I didn't really know what it meant. And I wanted to ask the man in the swimming pool, who was shouting at me about my disregard for the rules and my utter contempt.

I wanted to ask him what contempt meant, because I mean, I would have Googled it, but Google didn't exist. In 1974, I think it was the next year it came out, 75. And the iPad was 76.

And so I thought, how do I, how do I kind of maneuver around the subject of asking the lifeguard what the word contempt means? So I thought, I just build up to it. So I went up to him and said, hi, Mr. Lifeguard. He said, oh, hello.

I said, could you answer me a question, please? What, what does aromatic mean? And he said, what? I said, can you tell me what aromatic means? He said, why, why would you ask me that? I said, well, to be honest, I wanted to, I don't know if you remember, but you, you were shouting earlier, telling me that I had nothing but contempt for the rules of this swimming pool.

And he said, do you mean swimming pool? Baths? I said, you say potato, I say, that's how I say as well. He said, that doesn't make, that's not the right saying.

It's potato, potato. I said, no one has ever called it potato. I think the probably right word would be tomato, tomato.

Why would someone call tomatoes, tomatoes? It doesn't even roll off your tongue, does it? Tomato, tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatoes. No, it doesn't roll. He said, can you get to the point, please? There's people to save.

That little girl there, she's been screaming for about 30 seconds. I need to go and help her. Can you, can you hurry up with what you're saying? I said, okay.

And I was wondering what you meant by contempt. He said, oh, he said, well, that's the feeling I have for you right now. And it's probably the feeling that that little girl's parents are having for me right now.

Goodbye. I still didn't understand what it meant. It was quite a rude man, really.

Although I found out later that because I was only young, he was only about 16. But it's just still, he was nine foot three. It's very tall, I don't know why I added the words very tall next to nine foot three.

I think even the most basic of humans would be able to comprehend that nine foot, nine foot three is quite tall, isn't it? So there was that swimming pool. That was the first one that I remember going to. At one point, the, I think it was the manager of the swimming pool came in and said to me and my family, because we were all there at this point, my dad came to have a, to have a nice bath because he was a coalman, worked down the mines, so he used to get very dirty.

So he used to come in and wash himself off. And the manager of the swimming pool said to, well, he said it to my dad. It's almost like I was invisible.

And he said, you're banned from coming here again. You're not allowed. We're banning you.

You are so disrespectful towards the rules. And you have completely soiled the entire premises. How, how, how did coal deposits get on the ceiling? Honestly, all over the windows.

It's almost like some coal miners dirty protest here, and we don't understand or like it. And my dad said something to him and I didn't understand what was going on. Because it didn't make sense to me.

My dad said, if you ban us, we'll tell your boss about all the cameras you've got hidden around here. We never got hassled again. So I've got no idea why we, I was, you know, it's only, it's only two weeks old at the time, but I don't know how, why would he have cameras there? I mean, what, what's worth taking pictures of? Didn't really understand.

But the manager, I say the manager, he wasn't there for a huge amount of time. He, he stopped working there one day, I think it was about two months later. And some people came in and he went away with them.

So I don't know if they were going on holiday together. And I never saw him again. So I don't know what happened to him.

Maybe he, he, he liked his holiday destination so much. He decided to stay there, set up home and build his a life, a new life. I don't know.

And when I was about, I was about 13 or 14, and I was living in this little town, a new swimming pool was built, like this like leisure center thing. And it was a big deal because it took up about three quarters of the town. And everyone was, well, I'm not saying everyone was excited, because I did see at least three people that didn't even seem interested.

But there was a big queue. And even though I couldn't really swim, I went along with my friend because I wanted to be one of the first people in there to christen it. If you know what I mean.

And in front of me was this man. And he had hair lice jumping all over him. It's almost like they were holding some kind of Olympic event.

There was everywhere jumping on him, jumping on his shoulder, jumping back on his head. And I'm not really sure why I'm telling you about that. I just remember it.

I didn't say anything to him because, well, it's a weird conversation opener. How do you start a conversation with, you got hair lice jumping all over you? How do you get into that? Excuse me. Hi.

How are you today? I like your shoes. All the weather's been a bit cold, isn't it? Yeah, it was really nice to meet you. You remind me of a teacher I had when I was a kid.

And he was the only teacher that was nice to me. He was the maths teacher and I never understood maths. And he actually took the time to sit down on my lap and explain to me all about numbers and odd numbers and even numbers and the basics in fractions.

And he gave me the time. And he was just very, very kind to me. And you remind me of that man, of that teacher, who was pretty much the only bright light in many years of schooling, which I didn't necessarily enjoy.

And he was by far the best teacher that I'd ever, ever met before or since. Although I don't meet many now because I'm not at school anymore. And he said, oh, well, thank you.

I said, you're welcome. It's fine. By the way, you're covered in lice, you dirty pig.

He said, what? I said, you're covered in lice, you old tramp. He said, I heard you saying I'm covered in lice, but did you have to call me a dirty pig and an old tramp? I said, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

It's just so disgusting seeing all those hair lice jumping all over you. And it's starting to put me off my omelette. He said, why are you eating an omelette in a queue to a swimming baths? I said, I think you'll find it's swimming pool now.

We're not in the 70s anymore. He said, okay, swimming pool. Why are you eating an omelette? I said, the same reason anyone eats an omelette.

Because I like omelettes. He said, you're just weird. I said, I'm weird.

I haven't walked into the swimming pool with 10,000 dirty dirty ant like flea creatures jumping all around. You're going to infest the whole country with that head of yours. And he said, listen, I think I've had enough of you.

I said, what do you mean you think you've had enough of me? He said, well, I'm not sure. I'm just waiting to see what you say next. Because, you know, you might be nice again, like you were with the teacher.

And I said, yeah, fair enough. I said, okay. You've got lovely ears.

He said, oh, thank you. Yeah, lovely ears. If you're ever in a plane that's about to crash, because you could just jump out and glide down with those things.

He said, that was just cruel. I've got an issue with my ears being big and sticking out. Why would you say that? I said, I don't know.

I'm just a kid. And just seeing the first thing that came into my head. And he said, there's no need really.

You know, I've had a bad day. And I just needed to come here, take advantage of this swimming pool, the new swimming pool, and just get rid of some stress. You know, have a nice swim.

And I said, okay. Can I borrow some money? He said, what? I said, yeah, can I borrow 10 pound, please? He said, why? I said, because I want to spend 10 pound on something. Why do you think I want to borrow 10 pound? I wouldn't borrow 10 pound because I want to spend 20 pound on something.

I'd ask for 20 pound, wouldn't I? I mean, clearly I'm asking to borrow money because I want to spend some money. But I don't have the money. And I figured that I deserve some kind of reward for having talked to you for so long.

He said, no, but you can have two pound and a jar of peanut butter. I said, well, thanks. Why are you carrying a jar of peanut butter around with you? He said, because I don't like carrying cash.

And I said, what? He said, you heard me. I said, look, for a minute there, I thought you were going to do a pun. I thought you were going to say you don't like carrying around cashew nuts.

He said, yeah, that's, why would I say that? I don't know, just seemed like a weird thing to say, just something. He said, can you go away now, please? OK, no problem. And we kept in touch.

But we only really saw each other Christmases after that. He always still had the old fleas in his hair, jumping around, the head lice, that never changed. But I got to know some of the head lice and, you know, they were good people.

Good people. So that is the end of this Boring Objects Swimming Pause. I hope I bored you enough to relax and feel relaxed and calm and maybe you've drifted off to sleep.

So thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love.

Bye.