(10 hours) #14 Goldfish - SLEEPY Boring Objects (Jason Newland) (2nd October 2021)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Boring Objects. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. So this is a, basically what it is, is a boring podcast aimed at, it gives you an opportunity to switch off your mind, distract you from your thoughts, maybe slow your mind down, perhaps even fall asleep if that's what you want to do.

You can listen sitting in a chair that supports your body, maybe laying down on your bed. There is more chance of falling asleep if you lay down, at least that's what I find. I can listen to heavy metal music, if I'm lying down on the bed I will fall asleep, which is a bit weird really, but it's true, I just fall asleep.

If I've got my eyes closed I'm lying down and I'm more likely to fall asleep if I'm listening to something than if I'm just laying there on my own. Laying there on my own? I'm still laying there on my own, but you know it's because I just lie there with my eyes closed with nothing else, then you know I'm probably, I might just start thinking about stuff.

So today's subject is going to be goldfish.

Now you're probably wondering how on earth I could make such a subject boring, well I'll give it a go, I'll give it a go. I'll try not to stimulate you too much with the excitement of goldfish, and I'm not talking about exotic fish, exotic, erotic, I don't know whatever they're called, you know the ones with the all the different flashy colour, the show-offs basically, the show-off of the sea world, well or the goldfish tank, I'm talking about standard orange goldfish.

Now my first experience with a goldfish, which sounds weird when I say it like that, um is I think I was about eight years old, maybe seven, you know around that age.

I don't have this specific date because I didn't, I didn't keep an entry in my diary for it. I guess it wasn't that exciting to me at the time, but my recollection is it was quite exciting. Anyway we, the family and I, because at that time I kind of had to take them with me wherever I went because I was a little kid, and well okay technically they took me but you know what I mean, and I was at a fair like a in the in the town that I lived.

Once a year in the summer there'd be, we had this park and there was this big fair and it was it was kind of like a standard, okay in those days they used to call it like gypsy fair, now I guess that's not not allowed to use that term anymore, um but traveling, like a traveling fair, the kind of thing that would go, the only thing that was missing really was the big um tent with trapezes or whatever and clowns and lions,

so it didn't have any of that but it had all the other stuff uh like the little shooting ranges and um you know where you'd aim aim the rifle at the tin cans and it'd end up hitting the man behind there like in his knee because the you know the aim was off purposely and the tin cans were super glued down, you know that kind of place.

Coconuts and you know chucking balls at coconuts because the thing is I suppose they had an advantage over the average population because how do you prepare for something like chucking really light plastic balls that almost you know so almost if you if you if you put it in your palm of your hand and open your hand it'll just float away there there's no weight in them it's you have to you have to like throw them really hard in order to get them to even make contact with the coconut and this

coconut weighed probably 20 30 times well I don't know a million times more I mean what is the difference between weightlessness and something that weighs something you know in a sense of times the weight but a lot heavier that's what I'm trying to say a lot heavier a lot hairier as well because coconuts have pubes so there was that the other things like little rides that probably weren't safe um I'm trying to think what else there was that like candy floss places you get candy floss and probably ice cream I

think that was probably music being played from maybe a band or just music from uh speakers there might even be dodgems there I'm not sure and in my recollection I'm pretty certain there was a firework display at some point but I can't really you know say guarantee that's true but I think it might have been there was definitely a firework display in that park at some point um I think twice a year I think they did it on was it Guy Fawkes night uh because we celebrate a failed terrorist act

by Guy Fawkes from like seven million years ago and pretty sure they had a firework display on this particular evening and it might have been the evening of the town carnival where there'd be possessions you know um going down the street and local businesses and local charities and the scouts and the sea cadet that yeah because I used to be in the sea cadets for a couple of years so I used to be on those as well I think once I was on the actual float and another time I was

marching behind the float playing the bugle I preferred being on the float holding a bucket begging for money it suited my temperament and plus it was easy I always easy route choose the easy route every time I was okay the bugle a lot of tongue action that's all it is with a bugle you just stick your tongue in the end and basically just spit in blow and spit so that's why you never share a bugle with anyone unless you want to kiss them because basically that's what you're doing so I

had I don't I don't remember if it was if I won it I'd probably not on a gun because I don't think I was allowed to use guns back then I think my older brothers were but I was a little bit too young and I think that my parents were a little bit afraid that I would start shooting people which is a chance I might have done I'm not even joking I think I might have I thought I probably would have aimed the gun at my brothers to get them back

I'd start hitting them with pellets and stuff but it wouldn't hit them anyway because if I aimed it at them it probably would have hit a train because it was you know so out of the sight was so wrong but so I wasn't allowed to touch the guns the rifles even though they were only weak little guns really and with little pellets in but my brothers were allowed but I know that they didn't win me the goldfish because they'd have kept it they wouldn't have given me anything so if they

won the goldfish they would have even if they didn't want it in fact if they were offered something that they did want and they knew that I wanted a goldfish they probably would have got a goldfish just to one me up that's the kind of relationship I had with those people those people then I don't know how I think I might have won it would have been one of the lesser games maybe chucking a ball at something and knocking it over and I didn't realize at the time but the the

stall that I was at had I mean you could hardly see the person was there because there was so many bags of fish already like hanging up it was um a lot of fish there and I suppose in reality they just had to get rid of them so I think they might have taken pity on me because firstly I was only about two foot tall I don't know if you can hear the rain outside it's very rainy very rainy I was about two foot tall um or I can't I'm a

bit short I was short I used to be able to walk under doors that's how short I was and I think that the person who was behind the counter of this stall or whatever I think he took pity on me and he could see how much I wanted a goldfish you know I imagine I was probably one of the most excited children in the world for a goldfish I just it became my life's ambition you know I was standing there and I remember thinking I don't care what it takes but

one day I'm gonna have a goldfish you know whatever it takes whatever I have to do at school or whatever I have to do however many years I have to work to get that goldfish I will I didn't really understand the concept of money back then so I think the man behind the thingy in the stall took pity on me and just gave me the goldfish I think if I remember I don't know but I imagine he just like he let me win whatever it was I can't remember what it

was but whatever it was he let me win and he gave me the goldfish I've never been so happy in my whole life I finally had a friend and I really I just picked it up and started walking away and my dad shouted like where are you going I remember turning back looking at them there was my dad my step-mom and my two older brothers I remember just shouting at them I don't need you anymore I have Popeye I went to walk away and my dad said get back here now

and I did I just ran back sorry sorry dad sorry but that's how I felt I didn't need them anymore I had my friend Popeye the goldfish now the reason I called him Popeye is because one of his eyes actually both I think were really big like proper look like they're about to burst or pop hence Popeye and also Popeye you know the the sailor man uh sailor man fish you know I mean there was that connection so I felt very clever at one point when I named him I thought

it was good but then when I was back home on the toilet I came to the conclusion I must be a genius to be able to come up with such a such a clever name and uh turns out I was wrong but hey so I had Popeye for a while and then because he was in this round like little round goldfish bowl it magnified him he looked bigger and one of the parents I think said I'm not sure if he's okay because he looks you know his eyes are a bit

so I think he started turning green or something I mean because I was young I thought he was turning into the Hulk and they said no that's not real first of all and it's a fish and I thought I was hard to know the only thing I knew that turned green was the Hulk yeah that's what I saw on television I mean how was I to know it wasn't a documentary so I just had uh I had so I had this fish I didn't know you know something wrong with it

so what we did we went to the pet shop and the pet shop owner or worker I don't know if they were the owner I didn't see any kind of identification or or you know books of the business or just I just assumed I suppose I mean they could have been working there part-time might be a student and might you know they might not have any any financial interest in the business whatsoever I don't know but I just you know when I say the owner I guess what I meant was

the person working there um but if you are the owner you're not really working are you it's it's bigger than work if you own your own business you're not a worker you're the you're the only the business is kind of your life isn't it you're not just turning up for a few hours and then forgetting it it's everything to you apparently so I just know someone that used to have a kebab shop and he told me that I don't know why I mean all I wanted was a kebab I didn't

need his life story so I I told him that as well and uh he stopped being stopped being friendly to me after that some people so fickle and rude that was very rude of him wasn't it to stop being friendly to me anyway he's uh this pet shop said oh I think he's it's this it's a syndrome called goggle eye or something um and it's like an infection and I said oh um to be fair it didn't matter what I said because he wasn't talking to me he was talking to

my step-mom I did sometimes feel invisible and it's really weird like when I was in shops I'd feel invisible everyone would just talk to her I'd be in a supermarket at the cat you know um at the where they pay and they'd just talk to her it wouldn't talk to me it wouldn't even acknowledge me I really thought that I turned invisible when I was with her that's what I thought until I tested it out and uh got caught for shoplifting now you know I thought they couldn't see me so

I'll just help myself to the sweets oh now you can see me brilliant okay great I wonder if I put this to put the chocolate back I'll become invisible again nope didn't make any difference they could still see me it's almost like touching the chocolate activated their vision or made me visible again a very strange situation I might write a poem about it one day so this shopkeeper person said what you need to do is um so we so we can't I mean I'm first of all I'm not a vet

that's what the shopkeeper said but it's quite hard to examine goldfish because well they can't breathe when you're examining them and you know so even if they are okay after a few minutes they're not I said what we're gonna do then he didn't answer me I said what we're gonna do he did not he didn't answer me I said what what what can we do to help Popeye and he didn't answer me so um I went over and I got some birdseed and I put it in my pocket what are

you doing there he said oh now you can see me can you hear me as well he said yeah I can hear you I said what are we gonna do about Popeye he said what are you doing that seed in your pocket I said I was trying to get your attention because you're ignoring me or you couldn't see me he said of course I can see you I said can you hear me he said yeah so why didn't you answer me when I was asking you what are we gonna do

why did you continue talking to her and then she pipes up who's that the cat's mother I said well you we do have a cat she'd know what to do with that and I said I don't want the birdseed I don't own a bird he said you might be might be getting it to give to the outside birds I said why I can find their own food can't they why would I need to feed a a bird and he said well maybe you got a garden I said that I'm seven

I don't have anything I don't really even own the clothes I wear they're not mine I didn't buy them I've got uh I got a book Jack and Ollie book that's all I own that I can really say is mine because I bought that month well it cost me about two pence in 1975 but it's mine but anything else has been given to me I don't really own anything and he said what's wrong with you I said what do you mean he said you're seven years old what that's not normal

to talk like that at your age I said what have you done a survey you've met every seven year old in the world have you he said no I haven't and that was it he stopped talking to me then he started talking to her again so it ended up he gave he gave us some liquid and some medicine in a bottle to squirt into the water of Popeye yep that's what he did and he died so it didn't seem to work I guess so that was that story and you know

we've to uh my dad to show me how much he cared and to show sympathy for my loss he uh flushed him down the toilet like a turd so so okay that's nice so then um the next goldfish in my life not really in my life but you know in life in my life yeah wasn't really me that had one it was my little brother so when he was about probably about five six he had a goldfish maybe five he had a goldfish and I think he called it something like

Adrian or something I don't know that's not a name for a goldfish and he was like me he was really happy to have this goldfish and it got bigger and bigger and it was a big old fish turned out it was a cod so we ate it now it was a fish it was it I mean cods are fish I suppose technically but no it was a gold definitely goldfish but it was a big one it wasn't to start with but it got bigger but it got too big for its

environment which is weird because they don't they normally grow within their environment that happened with me uh used to live in a box and I was tiny as soon as I escaped and I grew honestly it was it was like was it Alice in Wonderland it was like blimey all these years living in a box living in a cardboard box I'm living in a box and I just got you know I was living to the size of my environment and I realized I might have wandered off a little bit there

into a different realm of reality but now I'm back to fish I'm here again thank you for being patient so the my brother had this goldfish it's my little brother he was born the day before my eighth birthday so I think by then I might have either lost Popeye or just about to have Popeye I can't remember if I was seven or eight I'll be just as probably excited as I was to have his new friend and he'd feed them and not all kids you feed them way too much in

the hope that they'll explode in front of your eyes you know it's just a standard thing I think you love them you know you want them to live forever but more importantly you want them to explode so it's it's it's a weird it's a weird balance I guess and I think that's why he could eat and he kept feeding him like a packet a whole packet of food every like three hours it got to a point you couldn't even get in the front door anymore because it was just so huge

and that's a lie I couldn't get the front door because uh my family chained the locks and well actually at one point they moved out just left me there I came home no one was there didn't notice for about a week so I did um that was a lie as well I can't say I had a close relationship with my brother's fish because it brought back memories of Popeye and I felt a little bit sad a little bit you know just I remember when I had a fish and I'd see

him feeding it and I remember when I used to feed a fish I'd see it taking it out for a walk I remember when I used to take my Popeye out for a walk and he used to get out of breath really quickly very unhealthy honestly unfit really need to do more exercises and uh he I remember my brother taught that's about all I remember about his fish a couple of years ago because my brother's now about 70 he said my dad was at the table because we were sitting at

a table we all said he did this it's not that my dad just has his own little table that he carries everywhere we were actually at the same table and he my brother said oh I had a fish and he lived for years and years and years and years and my dad started laughing and my little brother said why are you laughing he said oh your goldfish didn't live for years and years and years you had about six different goldfish they just keep dying and I used to replace them before

he got back home from school now I found that funny my dad found that funny but my brother didn't seem to see the joke he realized that he's been in a living a lie all these years and the worst part about it is talking about his goldfish living for years and years was his best chat up line so he didn't feel confident enough anymore to say it you know it's like how is he ever going to get another girlfriend because he can't use that chat up line because as we all

know the one way to a woman's heart is talking about goldfish and the longevity of a goldfish's life I think there's something about um says something about a person doesn't it you know you know how to treat a goldfish you know how to keep them well and you're in it for the long haul through thick and thin and I suppose when you meet someone that might be the kind of person they're interested in someone that wants you to to someone that's more as it's stable and emotionally secure and looking for

a long-term relationship not just a quick not just a quick you know short-term goldfish just to feed it till it pops and bursts you know you want something you're looking for something more substantial so maybe that's the reason that chat up line worked for him I don't know that's the end of that story the last one is I got myself another goldfish and I called him Milton and I then got another goldfish called Erickson or Erica I think it was Erica because it was a girl I don't know if it

was a girl it's hard to tell I mean they don't like being examined and uh I just you know they seem to be happy together and I was but then everything was fine I had him in the living room and everything and I was going to get a big much bigger I got a bigger bowl for the two of them but then I was going to get a big old um you know fish cabinet like a big one so they could have more space and you know for when they argue

they could like have their own separate rooms and not have to you know have a little bit of cooling off period he could have his den she could have somewhere to do a sewing I don't know what goldfish do and um so you could say that's sexist but we're talking about goldfish can't be sexist about goldfish but anyway what what happened is I got Andre who's was a little ferret and as soon as he saw the goldfish his eyes lit up he could not take his focus away from that goldfish

bowl and he tried quite a few times to get to it to get inside it in fact and I caught him once he did have his face in the actual water so I had to move the bowl into the kitchen now the kitchen just got too hot and uh the because you know it's a cooker there isn't there the fish basically boiled so it was an act I didn't it wasn't that I didn't have them in a it's not like I put them into a saucepan or anything I just you

know they just got too hot and I think they they passed away unfortunately so I know it's a little bit of a sad ending and I didn't mean to make anyone cry um I suppose I should leave on a light note really yeah so it had no emotional impact on me whatsoever is that a nice way to end it maybe not I got some pizza that night it's a lovely pizza yeah that's a nice way to end it I had a lovely big pizza and I think I watched boxing on

telly and gave Andre a big cuddle I think he stole part I think he tried to steal the pizza yeah and the pizza was like probably 20 10 times bigger than him and he's still trying to steal the whole thing bless him so yeah that's the end of this podcast episode goldfish I might one day get some more fish but yeah I'm not not really until today I hadn't really thought about fish for some time it's not my most regular thought but there is something quite magical about watching them swimming

around unless of course you get your head around the idea that they're just doing what's natural and they're swimming because they're fish but yeah so thanks for listening and uh I'll be back with another recording maybe tomorrow but very soon very very soon so take care remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye