(10 hours) #4 Big pink pig piggy bank SLEEPY Boring Objects (Jason Newland) (18th September 2021)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Boring Objects. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

The point of this podcast is for me to talk about a certain thing. It might be a very specific object or it might be more broad than that. And the reason for me talking about a specific object is so that I can help to switch your brain off so you can relax deeply.

And if you choose, you can fall asleep. Because whilst I'm talking about the object that I'm talking about, your mind automatically focuses on my voice. And when your mind is focusing on my voice, it's not focusing on anything else at the same time.

Which means that your mind is focusing just on my voice and what I am talking about. And those thoughts that maybe you were having before in your mind, as opposed to in your toes, I guess, are sort of just ignored and they tend to dwindle away as your mind slows down. Because once they are being ignored by you, they kind of give up.

Because sometimes it, I don't know about you, but sometimes when we're trying to sleep and we get maybe too many thoughts racing around our head, it's almost like our thoughts are trying to bully us to stay awake. When what we want and perhaps need is for those thoughts to slow down and leave us alone so that we can relax and maybe fall asleep naturally without those stupid annoying thoughts trying to keep us awake.

And this is, I guess, kind of what this Boring Objects podcast is about.

It is just me talking about something. Now, I can't guarantee that the object that I'm going to talk about will be boring, because you might find it very exciting as an object. For example, today I'm going to talk about my Big Pink Piggy Bank.

And some people listening might find Big Pink Piggy Banks rather exciting, maybe almost sensual, I don't know. Everyone's different. But of course, I have no control over what subjects people do and don't find boring or interesting.

But either way, even if you happen to find that Big Pink Piggy Banks are one of your favorite things, while you're focusing on me talking about the Big Pink Piggy Bank, you're not thinking about anything else. Which then means that your body relaxes and your mind slows down naturally. Now, of course, I, well it's not really of course, I mean, you wouldn't know until I tell you, but I happen to quite like my Big Pink Piggy Bank, Piggy Piggy Bank.

I mean, it's actually shaped like a pig. It doesn't go oink oink or anything like that, because it's a piggy bank. It's not real.

Mind you, I have seen pigs in real life and I've never heard one go oink oink. So I think somewhere along the line, I was lied to. They don't go oink oink.

I mean, cows don't really go moo moo. Cats, how often do they go meow? They do make noises. Dogs, woof woof.

I don't know, it's, I guess it sounds like a woof, like I guess, but woof woof woof. I've known a few dogs over the years. I've lived with a couple.

In fact, I've lived with one when I was a kid, this is St Bernard. I say lived, I mean, we didn't, didn't share the rent or anything. I mean, they just lived in the house.

A St Bernard dog, big, very big dog, slobbering everywhere. Very big. You could actually watch it grow in front of you.

That's how quickly it grew. I, sometimes we'd start watching a movie and Misty, her name was, well, I don't know what her real name was, but that's what we called her. She might have been called Madeline.

Might have been really annoying to her, you know, why do you keep calling me Misty? My name's Madeline. I've been trying to tell you that. Woof woof.

And she'd be sitting in front of the telly at the beginning of a movie, halfway through we had to get her to move because she was bigger than the telly. Seriously. None of that is true.

So another dog I lived with is, I can't remember, his name is Buster, I think. And he, he lived in the house. No, the next dog, yeah, that was one of them.

But then there was another dog who I lived with twice. And then there was another dog that I lived with for a few years. Again, I can't remember her name.

And I haven't lived with a dog since the last time I lived with one. But then I haven't eaten a sandwich since the last time I ate a sandwich. I suppose if you go down that road.

Yeah. But the piggy bank, I got it. It's quite big, you know, it's not, it's not a one handed job.

It's you need at least two hands to carry it. It's not that it's too heavy for one hand. It's just big, it just is this round, it's shaped like a pig.

And I just realized it's a piggy bank. And then it's a, it's shaped like a pig. To make it look like a pig piggy bank.

I hadn't realized that about about four years. That's pretty quick for me, actually. And he took four years to I don't know how heavy would be if it was full of coins.

Because it's so big, it could hold quite a lot of coins. So I don't know how many coins it could hold. I'm not sure.

Because I've never filled it with coins. I've never filled it with anything. I mean, it wouldn't seem a lot of point filling it with ink.

Or dust. But I have had coins in there. And I've took them out.

Because sometimes I need money. And if there's money in the piggy bank, then I will go in there. And I will, I can just walk in there.

It's so big. There's a door and everything. There's a fact is a kitchen and a toilet.

It's a very big piggy bank. It's a jacuzzi. So I, mind you, the bedroom is very messy.

Looks like a pigsty. That was a joke. Because it's a pig.

It's shaped like a pig. It's a piggy bank. And I just said that it was so big, you could get inside it.

You can't really. I was lying about that whole thing. And I thought it might be mildly humorous to exaggerate the size of the piggy bank by saying that it has a front door.

And you can actually go inside. And there's a kitchen and a toilet and a jacuzzi. And there isn't, there isn't, there's no kitchen in there.

There's no toilet as far as I know. Jacuzzi? No, there's not. I mean, there's no, there's no connections for water to it.

They couldn't have a jacuzzi. I mean, the piggy bank is actually on the shelf in the living room. I'd have to have it in the kitchen, really, or the bathroom because that's where all the water connections are.

So if there was this jacuzzi in there, it'd just be dry. There'd be nothing in it. Because there's no water source where it is at the moment.

But there isn't a jacuzzi in there because it's not really that big. And there's no front door to it. I made it all up.

Because I thought it might be hilarious to say something like that. And then I forget what else I said. Oh, yeah, the bedroom being really messy.

And I thought, and it came to me quite quickly. I was very, very pleased with the speed of my sense of humour. And I said, it's very, it's very, it's very messy.

It's like a pigsty. And I can only imagine that people listening are just rolling around laughing. And I feel, I feel privileged to be, I do, I feel, I feel privileged to be able to share such fresh humour to you through a podcast.

It gives me a thrill to know that I'm changing the world and making a difference by talking about the, the big pink pig piggy bank. It is shaped like a pig. I mean, that's, that's kind of hilarious, isn't it really? I mean, I'm surprised I haven't laughed.

It's got ears. We've got two ears, one either, well, one on its head, well, they're both on its head. It's got four legs, which helps it balance actually, so it's quite handy.

It's lucky because otherwise, if it had three, it'd be wobbly. So it's very lifelike. And it's got a snore, snozzle, nose, snorter, I don't know what they call it.

I don't think it's got a tail though. But I can't see because it's a different direction and that involves standing up. I'll be honest with you, I don't really want to stand up.

I'm okay sitting here. I'm looking at it because it's in front of me. Well, it's not in front of me, it's to the side of me.

So I'm stretching my neck a little bit in the wrong direction. I don't know what you feel about that. I've stretched my neck in the past.

I remember I woke up once and my neck was ever so sore. I remember thinking, wow, that hurts. What did I do last night? But I hadn't done anything.

I mean, all I'd really done is just go to sleep. I think the main evening routine was pretty much the same as normal. Went into the garden, rolled around for 10 minutes, did a poo in the bushes, came upstairs, lodged the front door open as wide as possible, which I like to do when I go to bed.

Yeah, I broke one of the windows in the bedroom. I like to take turns. I've got a few different windows.

I like to break one every night and I replace it the next day. It's costly, but I think it's worth it. And of course, I put the television on full blast.

What else? I turn, yeah, turn all the hobs on on the cooker. But I make sure it's empty. I'm not, I'm not stupid.

Yeah, I don't, I don't leave stuff on the hobs. I'm not, I'm not dangerous. And then I did some break dancing in the bath, spun on my head a few times and then I went to bed.

So I got no idea why I woke up with a bad neck. I don't understand it. You know, sometimes it's very, just it's weird things in life that don't make sense.

Algebra. I don't understand it. I don't.

But the pig. I get on quite well with the, the big pink piggy piggy bank. Piggy piggy banks.

He's a piggy as well. I do wonder though, how much money it would take to change the roof. Thousands, I imagine.

I'd like to get rid of the loft. It's like a zoo up there. There's crocodiles, zebras, owls, lions.

I'm sorry, I've got to stop there. I'm lying. I feel guilty.

I feel a bit guilty now. Because I know that you're listening to me and you're trusting. And you believe what I'm saying, because I'm a very, very believable person and very trustworthy.

And I come across as honest, but I have to admit, I'm a bit of a liar sometimes. Sometimes I exaggerate things. And there is only one lion up there.

Not lions. There's no, there's only one crocodile. And there's no zebra.

I feel a little bit embarrassed. I just, I just felt that with the rapport that we're building, with the such a, with our future relationship, it doesn't seem right to start off on a lie. Now, I realized that there may be some people listening to this, who have listened to previous boring objects, podcasts that I have recorded in the past.

There's only been a few, I think three or four. And I just, I just want to put your mind at rest that I will do my best to either not lie or exaggerate at all. Or at the very least, try and make the lies believable.

Try and cover them up really well. That's possibly something that I'm gonna really put a lot of energy into. Well, not a lot of energy.

In fact, you know, pretty much no energy. I'll probably forget about it as soon as the recording is finished. So to be honest, I've kind of forgotten about it already.

I don't really know what I was talking about. Oh, the pink pig. In its trotters, there's these plastic contain these plastic plugs, like a plug that plugs things.

And there's a hole in each of its trotters and these plugs, the plastic and they're black and they fit in and they stop the money from falling out. So when I need to buy things with money, and don't have any money, sometimes I'll need to open it up through its leg. And I let out the money there.

And I find the best way to do it is to try and let it out onto a flat surface that's above the ground. So why is it means bending over? And I don't really like bending over. So what I do is I let it out onto the table.

And sometimes there's enough money in there to purchase what I needed to purchase. For example, I think it was last week, I needed to get some milk. And I didn't have any money.

So I looked into the double thought to myself, oh, I don't have any money, but I need some milk. What should I do? And I was thinking to myself, well, what did I do last time I needed to get some milk? And I remember that I actually had money at that time. So that wasn't helpful.

And then I thought to myself, oh, here's an idea. Why don't I think about a memory when I needed milk, but I didn't have the money for it. So I did, I thought of a time I couldn't give you the exact date.

Or I can't remember. But I do recall a time when I didn't have the money, but I needed the money to buy some milk. And what did I do? And I couldn't remember what it is I did to help me, you know, to get that milk.

Because I remember the bit where I needed the milk, but didn't have the money. And then I remember being at home with the milk, cuddling the milk carton and the milk bottle with happiness that I actually did have it. Because I felt so grateful.

Because I needed, I need, needed the milk. So I was just really ecstatically blissful. And then it, then it came to me.

I was on the toilet. And just trying to rid my body of more of the brown stuff that comes out. I don't know what's happening.

I thought I might be ill. I don't know. I've had that for years since I was a kid.

I don't know what it is. Why it just keeps coming out. I mean, it doesn't ever seem to run out either.

And I remembered. Because I looked down at my legs and they're very pink. Because I have pink, I have baby legs.

My legs are very babyish. They're very pink and chubby, like a little toddler. And I thought, oh yeah, what about the piggy bank? Because I've been putting money in there.

Maybe, maybe there'd be something in there that I can use. So when I'd finished doing what I was doing, I came and I, I emptied one of its feet onto the table. And there was more than enough money for the milk.

In fact, I had enough money to buy myself a Mars bar as well. I was so pleased. I was very, very happy.

I was so pleased. I wanted to phone someone to tell them, but I didn't know who to call. Plus, I don't have any friends.

But if I did, I would have called someone to tell them how great it was that, you know, at the start of the day, I had no money to buy milk. But by the end of the day, when I'd figured out a solution, I had enough money for milk and a Mars bar. It's a great memory.

It's in the top 50. It's in my top 50 memories. And I just, I wish I'd made a, or took a picture of the occasion, me cuddling the, the carton of milk, just something to remember the occasion.

Nice picture that I could have maybe posted on Facebook or put on the wall, maybe framed it. I don't know. Anyway, I do like that pink, big pink, pig shaped piggy bank.

It's nice. So I hope this wasn't too interesting. And I'm going to go.

So thank you for listening and watching all that stuff. And stay relaxed. Bye.