(music) Saturday Summary Let me bore you to sleep #1319 5th April 2025

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is jasonnewland.com. I'm gonna change my name. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

So, before I start, oops, let me have a nice wobbly desk again. Let a couple of messages, a couple of comments. Comments, comments, comments, comments.

The first one is from Greg. So Greg joined the Jason Newlands boring group on Facebook yesterday. So I just said welcome to the group Greg.

He said, Thanks, Jason. I'm so impressed that you're still churning out. I like that term churning out sleep hypnosis videos.

After all this time, you must have the YouTube record for the most videos like this. I haven't seen anyone even close. I missed your live q&a but I'll check it out on YT YouTube.

It wasn't a live one. But thanks. Thanks for your kind words, Greg.

Yeah, the Q&A Friday is pretty much I mean, I have done the odd live one, but generally it's all pre recorded. And it's hard to do live stuff with some of the background entertainment. You know, and also got a message from Rev. VL riff.

Okay, let's have a look. You nearly had my name pronounced correctly. Nearly.

You danced all around it. Okay. phonetically is Rev. L. Lee, Reveley, Reveley, like revelation, Reveley.

So if it was revelation, revelation, Reveley. Okay. Did I say a puppy Reveley? Reveley? Reveal? Yeah, I think I thought it caught caught me off is the AI.

So I assume that was an AI like Reveal. Reveal. Reveal.

Yeah, I put too much emphasis on the AI rather than the E at the end. So it's Reveley, Reveley. And it's the bugle sound that is played in the morning in the military.

But also a French word that means the dawn, although pronounced differently in French. And my parents weren't in the military, nor in my French. So go figure.

And leave all mine. Love your chatty podcast as well. Thanks for all you do.

Thank you. Well, I've mentioned this I'm 48% Irish. And I did think that I would have been like French.

Because I was led to believe, perhaps mistakenly, that my grandmother was French. Or her mother was French, but I really don't know. I don't have access to that side of the family.

So I thought maybe I was kind of part French. And I might still be I mean, you know, but it's hard to know. I got another message from blah, blah, blah, blah.

Nope. As I look messages from Jackie. Oh, another question probably just to deal with here.

So this is posted on my underneath the yesterday's recording. I don't get why people use YouTube to get to sleep because it's just another step to put on. It's just another step to put on your turn off timer.

Whereas if you're using a podcast app, it's right there in front of you. Podcast YouTube. We all know how lazy we are these days.

I don't know if there's a way of doing it on the YouTube because I use the YouTube app. And I really don't know if there's a way to do a timer. I mean, yeah, I'm not sure.

I don't use the apps though. I use I use my website. So if I listen to one of my recordings, what I'll do, I'll just go to the website and it comes up.

And I will listen to usually I just listen to one without music for the duration. So if it's an hour or hour and a half or two hours or whatever. If I was going to listen to it for like a long period of time, I'd stick on the probably the 10 hour version, then it wouldn't matter if it cuts off or not.

Yeah. But it's it's just important. I think people just use what's good for them.

I mean, I don't know how long apps are going to be around. I mean, in general, the technologies changing and something new, very likely come along. Or the mean something like Apple podcasts, they will, I'm pretty sure be the front runners in whatever new technology comes along.

I mentioned yesterday, I think that I've been looking into baby baby created an app, which will make it a little bit easier. I might I might still look into doing that. Yeah, I might actually thinking about it.

I might not right now. But if I'm in the middle of creating a website, which doesn't really need to be ready till next year. So I'm going to launch later on.

It's not like I mean, it's available. It can be accessed, but people will not know it's there. So it's unlikely anyone's gonna actually visit the website.

What is it? That's really bad. My memory is just so many, so many things to remember when it comes to online stuff. I do lose track of things sometimes.

So if I look at the analytics for that website, one session, okay, there has been one session. Okay, fair enough. That Wow, so someone has visited the website.

I've got no idea who that would be. It might be me to be fair, I was working on it. So maybe I went on probably Yeah, probably me.

But me, me. I suspect that the reason you're getting hits on YouTube, ASMR is due to people searching for such. Yeah, I think so.

ASMR. I mean, I've got a little bit of a following on YouTube. And people that some people prefer to watch me or listen to me on YouTube.

And I get I started off on writing stuff on YouTube, but I became more prominent on YouTube for quite a few years. Between 2007 and 2013. That was my, they were my YouTube years.

Even though I did a podcast at the same time. It was a case of I was focusing on YouTube, making videos, gaining subscribers. And yeah, I did.

I didn't have many at about three, apparently out of that three, three and a half thousand subscribers. But they were very loyal. You know, I had a lot of people would come back and listen.

And so yeah, that was pretty good. I mean, imagine us I do think like 12 years later, if I hadn't deleted that channel, where would I where would it be? It might actually be like, successful. No way of knowing.

No way. ASMR tends to get I get more views on the ASMR videos than anything else on YouTube. And yeah, I mean, it's that's I'm now up to 1549.

So it's gone up to since yesterday. That's a subscriber that is sorry. And yeah, it's just it's weird.

It just is. It is what it is what it is. You know, it's kind of sort of like, this is weird.

What's going on? So I got a message but it's not coming up on my Facebook or my YouTube thing. Why is that? It's very strange YouTube channel. Let's have a look.

Occasionally I get messages and they just don't come up. And this is from Derby. So for some reason, I did reply.

Oh, okay. Two days ago. Stay away for some.

Right. Okay. I must it must just be on there.

Because that's very weird. I don't know why. Let's press pause on.

Well, the message is definitely on the YouTube video. So I don't know how it disappeared. Like that.

I don't know. See, yeah. Is that all the messages I think? I don't think there's any other messages.

So Oh, there's more messages. Wait a minute. Jackie added something else.

By the way, my fav pods of yours are chatting ones too. Thank you. Thank you.

And when was the last time you went to the zoo? How do you feel about them now? And that sounds like a question for next Q&A Friday. You may have to report you might have may have to remind me of their questions. Because it's I mean, Saturday now, so it's nearly a week away.

So if you can hold on to that question and add it, I'll try and remember but I might not. I'm not always the most organised if I'm honest. You know how I don't like being honest.

So this is Saturday summary. What's happened this week? I've got no idea what's happened. Vinnie's in the background, by the way, in case you don't know, if you're listening for the first time.

Vinnie is my little Jack Russell. He's red. He's little.

And he's chomping on one of his little bone things. He's got a new new pack coming tomorrow. He's basically just chewing on the old ones that are half eaten.

So he's going to be very excited tomorrow when he gets the new ones. They should have come today. But for some reason they didn't.

Which is fine. I'm not that bothered. I think he is but hey, he shall recover.

No doubt. It's been a really nice day. Did I did I say only listen when you can safely close your eyes? I got no idea.

And it's been a really nice day today. Weather wise, blue skies, sunny, a little bit windy this morning. It was windy enough to wear a hat.

It was because my my bald patch told me so. My bald patch talks to me says, Hey, Jay. How about covering me up mate? The thing is, I have to remember that not to talk to it out loud when I'm outside.

So, but by the year last time went out, which was a couple of hours ago, didn't really feel particularly cold. There's still there's a coolness, a cool breeze, which would be almost the ideal evening. Summer's evening, a bit cool, but nice.

You know, I don't necessarily feel the need to walk around in a in a small t shirt in the evening at any time of the year. Now, when I say small t shirt, you could pull me up and say, well, you're not going to fit into a small t shirt any time of the year or any time of the day, which is true. I mean, there was a time when I used to wear small t shirts to try and show off muscles.

It wouldn't work anymore. It would not work anymore. It just looked like sausage meat trying to get inside a condom.

So I don't know just it would be yeah, it'd be an overflow of the. So no, I think what I'm going to do is get some really extra large t shirts. I'm not wearing extra large anyway, but I'm thinking maybe XXL or XLL or whatever.

And just it might make me look a bit smaller. It might do. It might look like a dress, which I'm not bothered about.

But yeah, we'll see. We'll see. Because I don't I don't really want to have to keep wearing a sweat top when I go out, which is what I did most of summer last year and the summer before and the summer before that and summer before that.

It would be quite nice to be able to go out in a t shirt, but at the same time. Not look too wobbly, you know? You know what I mean? Sneak news. So today is Saturday, the 4th, the 5th of April 2025.

It's actually my friend Luke's birthday. It would be his birthday. He would be 50 today.

Wow. I mean, he was literally, well, not literally, he was five years younger than me. Because I'll be 55 at the end of August.

So what's the month now? April, May, June, July, August. So it's just over. Well, actually, it's less than five years, isn't it? Or is it more than five years? No, it'd be five years.

No, it's less than five years. Or more than five years. One of them.

Yeah. It's weird because I didn't, I kind of, unfortunately, you know, I use Moonpig to send people cards and stuff. So I was getting messages for the last three weeks.

Don't forget Luke's birthday. Don't forget Luke's birthday. It's like, yeah, I need to go on there and just delete it from there.

But it's just, I can't be bothered. And for some reason, I was thinking about him, because I hadn't really thought about it being his birthday today. And I saw a neighbour and they reminded me, but I was literally just thinking about him as I was walking through the park.

I mean, that's the thing. I don't feel that I necessarily need a specific day to think about a person from the past. Because I think about those people every day.

Whether it's briefly or whether it's for, you know, a bit of time. I think about my Nan every day. I think about Andre every day.

I think about Luke every day. I mean, I think about other people. But you know, as far as that goes, I do think about those people.

I don't need a specific day. Because it was my Nan's birthday last week. And, you know, I don't really necessarily think about the day, you know? Does that make sense? Just, you know, every day.

And I can't really foresee that changing, really. I think it's natural. I'm not sitting here crying my eyes out or anything like that.

I'm just, you know, it's just basically, they were all a big part of my life. And they always will be. Just because they're not here, it doesn't change, that don't change the fact that they were important in my life, my little insignificant life.

They were, you know, part of that. And maybe in the future, someone else might be, I don't know. I mean, Vinnie is now, isn't he? I guess.

He probably wouldn't, he wouldn't agree with you on that one. Because he does not care. He's got very little interest in me.

But I do find it weird, because he's almost, so many dogs are needy, that I've met in the past, needy. You know, they kind of just want attention. I mean, he does have his moments where he wants attention, but he's, he's just, it's on his terms all the time.

And Andre was the same, exactly the same. You know, if he wanted to cuddle, he'd come to me. He was quite happy to be left alone, which I am.

But it's, and Vinnie is as well, he's happily just left alone. If he wants to cuddle up to me, he'll choose to do that. Otherwise, he'll go and do his thing.

Yeah. And he'll come and get me if he wants something. If he wants food, if he wants a treat, if he wants a bone, if he wants to go out, or if he wants a cuddle, or if he just wants to play, he'll come and get me.

And I have to try and guess what it is he wants, because I have no idea what it is. No idea at all. I mean, Logie, when he was hungry, he'd pick the bowl up, walk over and drop it at my feet.

I mean, that's, that's quite a good way to tell someone that you're hungry and you want to be fed now. Vinnie doesn't do that. And Andre used to push it with his nose, like say, feed me.

But Vinnie doesn't, just won't. He's like, even though it's beneficial to him, he won't do any tricks for me. If I gave him the tastiest treat, every time he sat down, he still wouldn't sit down.

Apart from when he wanted to sit down. You know, when he wanted to just rub his, rub his bum across the carpet. Or when he's a bit tired.

He's definitely not out to please me. He's lucky because... So what have I got? So, other than that, I've got 213 members in a Jason Newlands bowling group. So if you want to join, yay! I did have 214.

I don't know what happened. I really don't know what happened. Maybe someone joined and they thought it was a cooking group or something.

I'll tell you what probably happened. They joined thinking it's going to be a bowling group. And then they listened to one of my recordings and thought, wait a minute, this man is way too interesting.

How on earth could anyone fall asleep listening to his exciting voice? That may be what happened. Or maybe not. Not, not, not, not.

So we've got, we have boxing on tonight. Starts in about half an hour. And it is, the main one is Joe Joyce against Hergovich, but we've also got two other heavyweight fights and a couple of other fights as well.

So yeah, I'll watch that when I finish this. I'm not particularly bothered about the first two fights. I'd like to just skip through to the heavyweight fights really.

The last two are the ones that I'm interested in. The first heavyweight one out of three heavyweight fights is a debit of a delicious aura or aura, delicious his name is, and he's an Olympian. So he's, he's fighting, his first fight is going to be fighting someone that is 100% going to be easy for him to win against.

And that's no disrespect for the, for his opponent, but that's who they've got in. I mean, I can even tell, I can say, okay, who is, who is delicious fighting? Delicious or aura. So what you need to know about a head of, right, he's fighting a Russian, a Bosnian fighter.

He's a big bloke, strong, obviously, but he's got a record of three wins, seven losses, and out of three wins, one by knockout, which is, I mean, you know, he, unless he had those first seven wins that the first, if his first seven fights were losses, because some, some fighters, they just can't do the short, the short ones, they need longer, longer, more rounds in order to win a fight.

So they just don't, they don't warm up until maybe the fourth or fifth round, which is no good if you're in a four round or three round fight, which a lot of the new fighters get in when they first start. So maybe if he lost his first seven fights because of that, and then he went on to six rounders.

And because you'd already had seven fights, he was now eligible to do longer, more rounds. And maybe he won his last two fights, he was just getting warmed up. And then in his final fight, maybe he did a 10 rounder in his 10th fight.

And he knocked out the person, because that's what he needs. He needs to have a long, you know, a longer amount of time in order to knock the person out. I'm making this up, but it could be the case.

Because just because he's got a losing record, well, you know, more losses than wins. You don't know. Don't know what he's bringing, because he might come in and think, you know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give it a go.

Because he's got paid, he's getting paid to come in and lose. That's what he's got paid to do. He's not paid to win.

He knows that. Everybody involved, everyone watching knows that. There's not a chance, even if he could win, he wouldn't win.

I've actually seen young boxers, like just starting out as a professional, there may be big, big names, you know, they've got a big reputation, perhaps really successful as an amateur. And they're just having the first few fights. And they come against an opponent with a losing record.

But they've had maybe 40, 50 fights. And at one point, their opponent might actually hurt them. And they wobble a bit.

The opponent doesn't jump on them and try and knock them out. They step back, because they're not supposed to win. They're there.

They're, I think they're allowed to take it a distance, but they're not allowed to win. And they're not allowed to win on points. They're not allowed to win by knockout, even if they could.

And I bet you some of those fighters that have had like 70 or 80 fights, going in against someone that's only had two fights. I reckon, occasionally, there's one that could win. I reckon more than occasionally.

But they don't because they realise if they do that, no one's going to want to pay them to come and lose again, in case they win. If it's against a big name, and they win, then chances are perhaps they'll be able to, that'll be a boost to their career, perhaps they'll get a chance at, you know, having a big fight. And that does occasionally happen, but not with a journeyman.

It happens sometimes with people with losing records, where they've had a big, like, a dip in their success. And, you know, suddenly, they turn a corner and they become better, maybe more confident, whatever. Because, you know, some boxers, I mean, Amir Khan was knocked out quite early in his pro career.

So, Amir Khan. Let's have a look. Amir King Khan.

He was born in 1986. Blimey. Crazy.

That's when I worked in a chip shop. Actually, when was he born? When about? December 1986. So, I was working in a chip shop and it was snowing outside.

Maybe. I don't know. So, let's have a look at his record.

His record. Okay, I'll take that back. He had had 18 wins before he'd lost to Breedis Prescott.

So, he'd won the Commonwealth, he'd won the, yeah, he didn't go for the Commonwealth. So, he had 12 fights with people, which I don't know any of their names. Not that I need to, but.

And Breedis Prescott. So, what happened to him? Right. He won all his fights until he fought Amir Khan.

So, Amir Khan fought him. I'm guessing it's probably the first undefeated fighter that Amir Khan fought against. And he knocked Amir Khan out.

They never had a rematch. I never quite understood that. Because at the time, this was 2008, at the time, it wasn't.

Is that all it was? 2008. Amir Khan had a lot of fights quite quickly then, didn't he? When was the Olympics then? Was it 2012, Amir Khan? No, it wasn't. It wasn't, was it? That's very strange.

When did Amir, Amir Khan Olympics? Oh, come on, his page is so long. Oh, got ya, got ya, yeah. Olympic Games 2004.

2004. Blimey. You know, I do get muddled up sometimes with the years because for some reason, I was thinking it was, it's not gonna be 2008, would it? If he's just had his like 18th fight, professional fight.

2004. I watched that on TV. I did, I did, I did.

Very good. And then, I feel my voice is going. What he did do when he won.

He, see, it's really weird because my memory is completely different. Because he fought Marco Anterio Antonio Barrera, who is multiple world champion in three weights between 95 and 2007. And he beat Nassim Hamid, Prince Nassim.

So he was a big, a big Hall of Famer name. And Amir Khan beat him. But there was two fights after he got knocked out by Brutus Prescott and Brutus Prescott.

So he was winning ways all the way up to Amir Khan won his next fight by disqualification. I'm quite sure how that works. And then I don't know what happened to me.

Then he fought Miguel Vasquez. And then Kevin Mitchell. Now I do believe both of them want to win world titles.

He held Yeah, Mikhail Angel Vasquez held the IBF lightweight title from 2010 to 2014. Yeah. And I think Kevin Mitchell also won the world title.

Kevin Mitchell a complete or two challenge twice a lightweight world title. Okay, so he didn't win it, but he did challenge twice there was a so there was no shame in losing to them to Blimey. And then Jason knows Paul McClatt.

This is Brutus Prescott. He wins three then he loses next to Danny wins to Danny loses to Terence Crawford wins one lose it Roberto Garcia yeah blimey quite a few losses see it's really weird like it was so it's gotta be strange having won against having knocked out a future world champion and then in his last one two three four five six seven fights eight nine ten eleven twelve out of the last 14 fights he won two it's I suppose he just did he carry on just for the money maybe I don't know I

wasn't there anyway did did diddly-dee this is weird there's an unbeaten fighter here nine wins but he hasn't fought since 2019 why why it's 30 box record he is super well he's held a Russian he's best known for ending a turn closer to falling by a close decision wonder why he's not done it it might just not have updated it he might have okay it's got down here nine fights there's actually got here he's got 20 fights two losses okay it's just not updated it that's a problem with relying on

Wikipedia which is basically written by people that could be anyone really so yeah so what did I what did I do this week Saturday today's a Sunday what did I do last Sunday nothing no I didn't do much Sunday Monday and I did do this Sunday papers Sunday newspapers Monday I talked about something on Monday I don't know what any any any clue I don't know I don't know I must have talked about something what did I talk about how many recordings did I do this week since last Sunday so

did Sunday since last Saturday but it's Sunday summary really no I'm getting it wrong Sunday's papers and then says one two Mondays doc job says Monday's boring objects Tuesday's trivia Tuesday whisper Wednesday moving things I called that let me go to sleep 1317 that's on Thursday thank you and a Friday so I've done one every day this week so far Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday and Friday and now today but what I haven't done is I haven't made any hit no fifth stuff so yeah I suppose this week it's been

I had that little thing with a neighbor trying to sort out sort of getting his kitchen emptied and stuff so I did some of that I'm trying to think if anything I've had a ton of food delivery at some point it wasn't the budget this week was it last week the budget yeah I think it was a budget last week I can't think of anything that's really happened nothing of interest not really nothing of any kind of oh you know he wasn't I'm not gonna like write it down and send

it to someone by carrier pigeon this is not wasn't that important I'm trying to think I look like I've got condensation in my window or is it just the way the wind is that's strange because I don't normally have that unless it's just a reflex reflex unless the radiators are on the windows open the windows but it's not always open but when I'm in I leave the windows open even in the winter because I like to have air coming in because I really do want no mold no I more than

don't want it I was reading this thing it's very strange to them can't forget one name she did the voice for one of the penguins and happy feet and it's really weird because she yeah just a weird story what happened to her and then what happened to her husband exactly a year later in exactly the same place it's very strange very strange story just reminding me of that because they were saying always at the mold it's like really no I can't think of any other things that happened it's not I

mean if I look at the newspapers let's have a look see what's that might trigger my memory memory oh I was searching so these are things I searched in I'll look in USA newspapers the searcher magazine search word water sports so at some point I've looked for those Disney wonder what's under Disney I wanted cartoons comics let's have a look at comic oh this should look at this let's have a look at this I saw a little a little look this is from April 25th it's number 344 it's now four

pound 25 I used to buy these when I was 17 18 so what's it inside the ball truth Preston trichologist lifts the lid on celeb hair nose hair job celeb hair job sorry I've done more a list hair transplants then you've had hot dinners plus hoods in space Mafia to go into orbit yeah Mafia to go into orbit by 2030 and you've got the wilting bunch of your flaccid favorites sit the sexist mrs.

Brady fat something Broon Windsor's Gilbert ratch eight ace meddlesome rat bag Mel online Bob the betrayer Tommy banana Johnson okay so let's have a look all these adverts here these are actually just for proper what real adverts it's for the undertones Mike doors Toby Lee I don't know who any of these people are I've heard of the undertones what they like a 80s band or something Robbie Ford red hot chili peppers I've heard of them oh no it's red hot chili pipers okay so these all just like pretend no it's

so funny is that you got a picture someone trying to eat a pepper hot pepper pepper and cattle right big burn so let's have a little let's just say yeah so there's a bloke standing outside a shop and there's a lady walking up and the blokes wearing a coat and he's saying what's your sweet sweet I can't read that out spare a few pennies for the poor starving kittens and the woman's giving him money and someone walks up and says and they're talking about him I must say earnest Vernon is

very good at this he's taken twice as much money as our other collectors well it's good to see him doing something a bit bit public spirited for change and he's here in the background zone a bit of spare change in your skyrocket mate anyway it's nearly four o'clock time we wrap up things and get the takings to the bank and the other blokes is the bank oh I'm not sure about that's a good idea then I can get a little Vern can get a little funny when he's near a bank

oh don't be silly we'll just pop in and drop the coins off or if you insist but Fern's got trigger words and phrases that we need to avoid saying trigger words and phrases things you must not under any circumstances say in front of him especially near a bank any one of the phrases on this list might cause him to suffer a relapse and get the toys out but there must be 20 ordinary in innocuous phrases and figures of speech there that's only one page there the main rule is don't say

anything that can be constructed as being about the police going to prison someone having a gun that sort of thing okay we're just dropping a few coins off in an account I think we can manage that so here's today's takings to pay in Vernon you carry the ones and twos fees only the fives tens and 20 fees and I'll take the 50 pence is upwards we'll go into the bank and hand them to the cashier and Vernon says so it's a it's a bank job or earnest whatever that is it's

a bank job now you're talking we're just dropping the money off in our charity account that's clever thinking they'll never see it coming we can hide the shooters among the coins we just going to hand the money over to the bank you see we won't be needing any firearms Vernon now not only it's supposed to be give the moolah to us I don't want to read anymore Vernon we're not robbing the bank we're just making a deposit that's what we need to shoot as you see they won't I remember one

this is Vernon I've seen years ago and he's what did he oh yeah he's the house is on fire and his wife's at the he's downstairs in the garden the front garden and his wife's in the window shouting for him and he's and he's saying I'll go and do quickly chuck the TV down so he was trying to trying to save the TV yeah it was funny at the time the mail online I do wish you stop doing that the struggle against power is a struggle of memory against forgetting okay

I can't see okay let's have a look these are star letters water companies have been made to clean up their act and they are passing the costs on to customers my water bill has shot up and it just doesn't seem fair I think these wild these wild swimming lot should pick up the tab if they want to swim in crystal-clear spring water I don't mind a bit of crap in rivers okay my habit this is a letters to the magazine my hubby loves beer he's down a pub all hours seven

days a week drinking the stuff and when he's not at the pub he's guzzling the bottles and cans of it in the house honestly I think you'll turn into a ruddy pint of beer one of these days okay why don't all chairs have three legs three legs are perfectly stable on all surfaces and will never wobble in addition they use at least 25% less material and therefore cheaper to make and better for the environment there is every advantage and literally no downside to three-legged chairs yet we still insist on sticking to a fourth one madness a three-legged that's weird weird thing and they've ruined it it's a good point mrs.

Shearwater can any readers think of any advantages a four-legged chair has over its three-legged counterpart right and let's know this next one I can never remember whether or not the Nolan sisters were in the mood for dancing and I can't find one of their songs to remind me so I decided to write my own to determine whether or not they were in a dancing mood the Nolan sisters like to dance they do so given half a chance so if you make me take a guess I'd say the answer would be

yes I'm not sure however of their position on romancing when that's this weird when is this government going to do something about all the foreign birds flocking over here you cannot walk street you cannot walk streets these days about seeing hundreds of brightly colored foreign parrots screeching away in the already overcrowded trees let's send them packing and get back to the good old days of old drably plumage British birds apparently there are quite a few cops in London now they're cockatoos or budgies or whatever they're called that have escaped from

captivity and they're bred see I always used to get told all if they get out the cage they won't survive but apparently that's not true not in London anyway and so there's a picture here saying if you turn a picture of that bloke kissing that okay right it's not quite that they say I recently fell over whilst wearing a loose-fitting dressing gown and an oberine aubergine somehow became lodged in my bottom on my medical notes the A&E nurse recorded it as a foreign object inserted in the rectum I was in

I was incensed as it was I was incensed as it was a British grown apple aubergine aubergine it's a British grown aubergine and I'm a member of the British and I am a member of the Reform Party for God's sake I put my foot through the clipboard and sent and sent kia skarma the bill okay got through that I wonder who it was who decided the bricks should be the dimensions that they are I think they dropped a bit of a dropped a what's it there frankly because if they were

twice as long you would only need half as many to build a wall make it cheaper and easier on the brick brickies who would only have half as many to lay that is a good point there's a very good point the next letter next well it's more of a statement than letter really as a school boy whenever we do we ever we are about to go on a class trip the headmaster would always turn up and tell us to behave ourselves as we were ambassadors for the school that's all well

and good but he didn't grant us any diplomatic immunity when we ripped the back seats off the bus to shreds for a laugh that's all well and good but he didn't okay okay these are the top tips wizards a pair of bicycle clips worn around the cuffs will prevent controversial moments when you play snooker what I want to feel like an mi5 agent transfer a large file from your laptop to a memory stick just as your wife slash husband comes home from work and slightly lightly slips out of the back

as their key turns in the front door weird make ordering groceries online fun for the supermarket pick up by giving them fun maths puzzles for instance you could specify that you you you're too loose baking potatoes must weigh between 266 grams and 0.3 5 4 kilograms and have an average weight of 3 times 10 minus 8 kilograms in the note section of the order page but then you should probably get a bag of sugar I don't think some of the people packing stuff in supermarket for the ordering online even know

what that what the item is because when they give a substitute it you know I'm not what did I order once I think I've all did oh yeah I think it was like mint biscuits and instead they sent me mint dental floss mint-flavored dental floss I mean it's a little bit different isn't it struck it strap a camera to a crow and tie a length of string to its leg as a cheap alternative to a drone so here's some more people moaning it's a disgrace how health and safety zilons have

stopped rock concerts being played at full volume 30 years ago I would have I would leave the gig and my ears would be ringing for days these days you can barely oh okay I'm coming back to it 30 ago if 30 years ago I would leave a gig and my ears would be ringing for days these days I can barely even hear the music grapes are rubbish I brought some for two pound forty nine earlier and every one of them tasted so great so rubbish I brought some for two pound

forty nine earlier and every one of them tasted the same I followed them up with a pack of one pound eighty nine jelly babies which provided an abundance of tropical colors of flavors come on veganarians get with the times what's a vigneron everyone tastes the same that's from Russ next one is I am something of a traditionalist and I was always opposed to women vicars in God's Holy Church however since one of them made Donald Trump look like a right so and so with a face like a slapped ass at its inauguration I've changed my opinion and now I think we should all have more of them okay that was P.

Francis Vatican City in these days of digital banking where I can pay in a check simply by taking a photograph of it why can't we not do the same with cash and just promise to rip the note up after we've taken a snap of it come on banks get it sorted good point on a recent podcast astronomer astronomer astronomer Brian Cox said that the protons in the CERN Large Hadron Collider go around at ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent of the speed of light well perhaps if these

scientists spent a little less time on cigarette breaks and a bit more time and hard sums they might get the things going around full tilt okay having watched the first few watched the first few episodes of last the latest season of The Apprentice I can't help but wonder why Lord Sugar is sticking with his 250,000 pound offer to invest in a business with the in venture winner it's been that amount for years now he really should up the prize money perhaps linking it to inflation or a triple lock like they

do with the pensions credit where credit's due though this year's applicants are Belling's the highest order that's rude and I can't wait to see them effort up in next week's okay I'll move on from that so what's this one I saw a news article claiming that snooker champion Mark Williams required oxygen during a recent exhibition match personally I'd have found it more newsworthy if he didn't and was playing the name playing the game anachronist I don't understand that I don't understand it sorry what does anachronistically mean I have to see

today in Parliament on TV this afternoon and I can't help thinking that the Prime Minister simply says everything that the last three Prime Ministers said but with for the common people added at the end of the sentence it's a little bit to be fair it's every single what is it called yeah they had the the Chancellor of the Exchequer doing their thing every time they do one and she talks also or he whoever it is the budget's always for hard-working people the Conservatives used to always say it and now the

Labour are saying that as well the hard work we were only interested in hard-working people like okay so not bothered about pensioners not all about kids and I'm all about young people that perhaps can't get a job or not those people that are unable to work only hard what about the people that don't work very hard I've had many jobs where I did very little I did the minimum and I know that there are millions of people I can guarantee there are millions of people around this country probably especially around

the world but millions of people in this country who are doing the bare minimum they're not work they might have to work hard sometimes but they're not working hard all the time there's also millions that do work really really hard as well but I've done enough jobs and seen enough people to know that you kind of sometimes you just do what you have to you know it's just human nature now that I've done that what do you know about it I don't know but I have had a lot of jobs

over the years too many it's hard to how sideburns are not a thing anymore perhaps it's because climate change is making everyone's cheeks a bit warmer I happen to let one rip whilst watching football on my iPad and at that exact moment the game started to buffer I'm not for a minute suggesting that my ass gas has the same properties as microwaves and could interfere with sci-fi tech signals but equally I cannot rule it out true school teachers or according to my smartwatch and fitness app okay I won't read that one out school teachers really are amazing aren't they 35 years ago mr.

Woodley told me I would never amount to anything a fair play to him he was absolutely spot on I used to get told that there weren't always the most motivating people teachers in my opinion I had one teacher who's like completely 11 and just because I asked him if he liked me he found that weird he said he just like when I asked him again the thing all he all he said can you please get out of the boot of my car but he's just like what you're doing in my

kitchen but I just like what is it I didn't know I had no idea if anyone liked me I still don't know I've got no idea so I in back then I would ask and I found out quite early on well not early on but after a few years of doing it do you just can't ask people if they like you which I never realized I thought that'd be an easy yes or no answer you know but when I write the letter W I do it with curves to use joined

together rather than two V's that way it looks like a little bare bum that makes me chuckle I often mess okay can't read that one out okay I often okay I'm not gonna say the word but I often do something enjoyable to the voices of the feet of the female rabbits from watershed down which sound quite warm and sexy to me as I plug as I plug away I find myself reflect on it on whether this means I'm I'm attracted to cartoon rabbits real rabbits or 1970s voice actresses sadly the

pleasure is always interrupted by the scene where they put gas down the warren or by my boss phoning up to ask where I am 11 o'clock on a Tuesday morning has a giraffe ever been seen blowing his own trumpet so to speak if I had a neck that long okay the next one I saw a Hovis van the other day with their slogan on the side as good today as it's always been if their theory of success depends on not making the slightest bit of improvement in 139 years they've been

going then they're skating on thin ice if you ask me a friend of mine claims to be able to tell the difference between actors Joe Swash and Dean Gaffney and that he also knows which EastEnders characters they both played however he also once claimed to have been to have seen Lewis Capaldi buying war plugs at the indoor market so I take everything he said says with a pinch of salt oh there's even more behind me okay for the last couple of months anytime my Wi-Fi has been playing up I have

been rebooting modem but to turn it on and off yesterday I realized I had unplugged this modem from the network and replaced it with a new smaller version six months ago essentially I have been turning off and on an unconnected box and any improvements in a performance have been purely coincidental have any of your readers other than those who are religious assigned random results to a complete unrelated action Wow Wow Wow I live in America these days this is from Gareth Price from Portland I live in America these days and

whenever I phoned my dad in England he he would give me a detailed rundown of the weather since my last call sadly he died about a year ago it's the next bit I'm laughing at not the fact that he sadly died about a year ago and now I have absolutely no idea how windy it is sadly he died last year and now I have absolutely no idea how windy it was last Wednesday afternoon would someone please write in and let me know I think this is what possibly what they called

British humor I think maybe it's a I don't know I wonder if John Wayne ever packed spare underpants for his long journeys across the dusty prairies I ask this because when me and my girlfriend got home after a pony trekking weekend she threw a right wobbly when she took mine out of the laundry box okay let's move on from that I think the government could tackle the country's so-called productivity problem by replacing the current current food health traffic light labeling system with one that indicates how much paperwork the ensuing stuff

is going to cause the consumer after eating actually the stuff is a poo this would enable employees employers to serve only quick white products in work canteens thus reducing the countless hours lost each year to cubicle time I used to enjoy eating a crab stick but you can't tell them any we can't get them anymore they have to call them seafood sticks now probably because so as prawns don't get offended or something even crustaceans awoke these days you couldn't make it up well I think crab sticks don't actually have any

crab in them and that's why they're not called crab sticks by simply removing the letter R from his name acclaimed film director Oliver Stone is reduced to no more than a small hard lump of cellulose what you doing mate scratching at the door my brother has a new baby and they have named him Edward in my experience Eddie's are either ready or steady or fast but we don't know yet which he will be I think it would be best to refer to lad as steady Eddie until we can assume his

speed at which point he may be renamed fast Eddie of course he may just remain as steady Eddie depending on his velocity next one I think smart meters are great because they have a screen that allows you to watch your money drift away in a real time it's amazing I can't remember what my wife and I used to talk about before we had it installed I honestly think it saved their marriage yeah I don't have them I do have one but I would not look at it my friend downstairs used

to do that it ever on the thing in front of the telly and they just watch it and just like no put it in just get rid of it put it in a cupboard on a road trip to the supermarket a recent trip to the supermarket I paid five pound thirty for a hundred milliliter mil bottle of vanilla extract weighing no more than a 120 grams yeah at the same time I paid five pound twenty eight for a five kilogram bag of long grain rice about the same price of 42 times as much no wonder vanilla extract manufacturers all drive around in Rolls-Royce's okay okay record-breaking West End hit short ghost stories who's in it written by Jeremy Dyson and Andy Hyman Neumann sorry Neumann.

Close to the veg the Tipton Board of Commerce has announced it is to sponsor a team of scientists on an exhibition to the Brazilian rainforest where they hope to discover a previously unknown vegetable that is even more versatile than a potato according to the group's director Hugo Guffrey the new wonder veg will be a game-changer in cuisine and threaten the spuds position as a national staple the whole world's eyes will be on Tipton when our scientists bring this veg back and it could spell curtains for spuds he told the Tipton

autoclave it'll probably just be a few tubers or some bulbs or something that they find in a clearing or nestled under a big leaf perhaps a few bits of root or something but my brother-in-law's got a big allotment up Lee hole and he's going to propagate it there on an industrial scale things you never knew about potatoes everyone thinks that chips are unhealthy containing as they do large amounts of fat however according to nutritionists fats help us absorb vitamin A D E and K in addition they are a source of

essential acids which are needed for many cellular metabolic processes involving in the function and maintenance of tissues and organs so it turns out chips are actually quite good for you lots of TV programs have been named after methods of cooking potatoes including the California motorcycle cop show chips Vietnam war comedy mash and the food networks networks cookery show baked and which American comedian Tom Papa shines a light on how baked goods bring people closer together apparently yeah potatoes were first introduced to Britain in 1815 89 by the Welshman not nobody

statesman and explorer Walter Riley traveling to South America Riley saw the indigenous people eating chips and inquired about the vegetable they were made from he returned to England aboard his ship the Ark Royal with a two pound bag of spuds which he presented to Queen Elizabeth the first he was later knighted for services to the potato industry and then beheaded is that true is that true so Walter Riley so Walter Riley you know look so Walter Riley so what does he known for knighted he was knighted in 815 85 blonde

he was junior expert Mendeleev's Kurds but rally turn around to appease a Spanish he was arrested neck by 1618 so yeah blimey so Walter Riley was it just potatoes I'm sure he did something else plantations of Ireland okay let's not go there that's that looks like doesn't good good yeah I think he had a few problems Wow so he went to Guiana who's definitely out and about honey so he so Walter Riley okay I don't know why I got excited about that for a minute I wanted to find out get

a little bit of knowledge why am I reading about potatoes forget mash chips or gretting deafen noise baking is a nation's favorite way of cooking spuds no peeling slicing or dicing simply prick them with a fork and pop them in the oven and you're done and now later you have you're tucking into a delicious potato jacket potato yum but what do you have on yours with such a everyone's palette and we have all have our favorites but what you might not know is the toppings you pop on top of your potato says a lot about what you get up to between the sheets here today former X TV psychiatrist dr.

Raj pursued explains what is happening deep down in your sexual psyche when you choose the filling for your baked potato this is an actual doctor as well he was on TV yeah kind of off to read that okay let's just look at what my one is cheese and beans that would be what I would have which shows I'm not very creative it's the most popular one most common the most common toppings cheese and beans is also the most unimaginative okay for those that plump plump for it also dull and pedestrian

in the bedroom cheers thanks I'm willing to experiment the act for them may be with the lights off just like they may occasionally sprinkler a bit of pepper on their spud before they tuck in they may now because it came in a little bigger no it's not true I'm saying nope nope nope nope it might be true no it's not I don't know whatever that's beans and tomatoes I quite like a maybe some salad and yeah it's been quite a while since I've a jacket potato he's doing quite regular once

so this has been a strange session strange recording I'm not gonna go now it's getting dark and it's what time is it 8 o'clock three minutes to eight it's not dark outside but you'd need to if you was gonna walk on the grass you probably you might need to look carefully where you're walking it's that kind of light now yeah which it's not bad still light at 7 even yeah I'm happy with that that does me it's only gonna get lighter until it gets darker yeah so I'm gonna go eventually

I'm gonna go the relief he's stopping talking now yeah so thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy be gentle of yourself because you deserve to feel safe lots of love bye