(no music) #1280 Four Miles - Let me bore you to sleep (27th January 2025)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland and this is Flappy Ears in the background. Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I've just given him something to eat. Now he's going to go and lie down next to my feet.

I want him to sit in that chair over there. What are you moaning for? Finny, why are you moaning? Why are you moaning? What is that on your neck? What is it? He's got dirt on him. He didn't like that.

I'm trying to get the dirt off you. On his chest he had some dirt and stuff. Calm yourself down.

He wants to play. I think he wants to play. I think.

Either that or he needs... I don't think he needs anything. I think he's just bored. Finny, calm down.

I don't think he needs anything. So only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

I can't remember what I've said so far because I was distracted by this little furry weasel in the background. You know what I'll do today? Now this, I know this is supposed to be a boring recording. Hopefully to enable you to possibly, maybe drift off to sleep or relax at the very least.

But I'm afraid what I'm going to tell you may be one of the most exciting things you've ever heard. Which kind of goes against the the mythology of this particular podcast. See I might have said oddcast.

It's podcast. Although oddcast would be a better title. A more apt description.

Anyway, see I suppose I should get the exciting stuff out the way now. And I do apologize. Because I mean there are times when these Let Me Bore You To Sleep's are just so excited.

And I know that it's quite hard to relax deeply. To completely let go and allow your mind to just slow down. And maybe your mind will drift and fall asleep.

It's, it can be difficult to do that when you're sitting on the edge of your seat. Absolutely enthralled for the next sentence to poo out of my mouth. But don't worry I'll get it all out now.

I'll say it, that's what I mean, I'll say it now. And then try to make the rest of the recording a little less stimulating. Okay, as I said I apologize.

I've got a bottle of water. It's making my lips go dry with excitement. If that was such a thing.

If I'm not going to put the lid on I'm just going to leave it with the lid off. Let all the dust get inside. I don't even know where Vinnie is right now.

As soon as I mention his name he's. Calm down Vinnie. He might have heard his friend somewhere or.

If he wanted to, you know, go O-U-T, he would have let me know before now, and suddenly I'm recording and he has to go and do something, no, can't be that, boredom, I mean I find it very hard to believe, and you might find this difficult to, the concept might be very complicated to actually process, but sometimes I think he gets a little bit bored, doesn't he?

I told him. So here's the thing, earlier today, probably about midday-ish time, that thing to the left of me, if you're watching on the podcast, if you're watching the video rather, is my treadmill. It's a very, very cheap, very cheap treadmill, it's one of those ones that you could, yeah, it's like, will it really take my weight? It's supposed to be able to take 300 pounds, which is a lot heavier than me.

Right, I had to take a little break then, and take him outside. He didn't need a poo, we got out, he did a little wee against the lamppost, had a little sniff on the ground, and when we come back inside, he interrupted me for that, and he didn't need a wee. You might say, oh what do you know, he didn't need a wee, the fact that he had a wee, but it was a little wee.

Normally when he needs to go, he does a good 10 second wee, I do time it. 14 seconds is the longest one he's ever had, that I know of. So, this one couldn't have lasted more than 4 seconds, maybe 5, but I'd say about 4. 4 and a half, possibly.

So what was I talking about? No, I can't remember. I was talking about something. Oh yeah, the treadmill.

See, I used the treadmill. I hope, I don't know if you've been watching recently, because I haven't done videos much for quite a while. I mean this is also a podcast, but this, I've not done like a video on YouTube until recently.

I've been, got back into it. This is kind of how I started off. All those years ago, back in 2006, and I wasn't as handsome back then.

It's amazing how, because you know what, it looks like my hair is all grey now doesn't it, like the whole lot, and it's not. There's one just there, that's actually, well it's ginger. So, you know, I'm praying that it goes grey soon.

Yeah, the weird thing about it, if my hair was longer, you could see that it wasn't all grey, and also if I shaved it off, I could show it to you, and you can see, it is grey, but there's clumps of brown without any grey, because my hair gets really thick, it grows outwards like that.

Yeah, a bit like those, do you remember those dolls, was it dolls that needs to put like, use plasticine or clay, magic clay or something, and you'd squeeze, you'd squeeze the doll's face or whatever, and then hair would pop out of its head, something like that, remember that, this is a while back, a while ago, at least three months ago. I'm a little bit like that.

Some would say I'm more like Mr Potato Head, which is rude, if anything more like Mr Tomato Head. Did I tell you that the, yeah I did, didn't I, my ancestry DNA results are now in the process, let's have a look, Ancestry, Ancestry, A-N-C, Ancestry, let's have a look, my DNA, your kit status, my kit status is, it's still being analysed, so it, no, no, it's being extracted 27th of January, which is today, yeah today, it was processing on the 25th of January, estimated results ready, 18th of February, don't know why it takes so long, it's like three weeks, what do they have to grow mould on it?

I don't know, so yeah, that would be interesting to see, but then, then it said they send it out to, it'll just be added to my page, I read somewhere, so they don't even send it out in written form, it wasn't cheap to do, it wasn't expensive, but it wasn't, you know, I thought for the amount of money, I'd at least get a piece of paper, I need a chunk of tree I'm going to pay, you know, but no, this is going to be something on a screen, which, I mean,

it's handy, but I like the idea of the excitement of opening up a package, or a letter, to be able to look at it, and you know, turning the page, and like, oh, I wonder what's going to be inside, oh, what am I, what am I made of, where do I come from, there's stuff like that, what is my heritage, and it's not quite the same as just I press a button, click, and it's there, you know, it's not, not, it's not the same build-up, that's why I don't send e-cards,

well, firstly, because you have to pay for them, like, really, so you've got Moonpig, you can send a card, buy a post, an actual card, like it's made of card, with a picture, and you send it out physically, so they can open the envelope, and pick it up off the doormat, maybe pick it up off the doormat first, then open it, depending, you know, how they work, I mean, some people might just open all their mail on the doormat, and leave it on the floor, I don't know, why would people do that,

but everyone's different, and you can put it on a counter, put it on top of the television, I actually saw the other day, and I couldn't believe it, right, someone had the television, I don't know if it was on YouTube, or if it was on the news, but they were interviewing somebody in front of the television, and it was a family television, so there was kids, so I think it was a news item, on the TV unit, so the TV was on a unit, it's a fairly big TV,

and in front of the TV, with this big sign, it was like, love, or you know, something, it's a nice positive sign, but it was actually in front of the screen, taking up, I don't know what the percentage was, I'd need the measurements of the TV, and the measurements of the little plaque, but I was like, it's right in the way of the television, that's just wrong, I mean it's right, you know, the sign was lovely, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy, but the TV being blocked made me angry,

it dissolved the good feelings, it almost reversed the positivity that came from the sign, do you know what I mean, it's just like, I look at it, it's like, love, love yourself, it's like, oh, and then, but it's in front of the television, I've never been so angry, so I've gone from never feeling so wonderful, it's just very difficult emotionally, it was an emotional roller coaster for me, but hey, I, yeah, so you can put your cards on the table, you can put them on, like on the wall and stuff like that,

your birthday or Christmas cards, birthday cards, I'm just thinking of really more than anything, but you can send e-cards now, so you go tap on the key or on the phone and there's a picture of a card, and maybe you scroll with your finger or your thumb or your knee, I don't know however you use your phone, and there's the writing of who it's from, like dear whoever, from whoever, and then the bit in the middle that no one reads, and then it's done, you haven't got any of the excitement of,

I mean with an e-card you can't do that, you can't like toss it around, see if there's any money hidden in the pages, and you can't get the, and then when you find out there's no money in there, the pleasure of just ripping it up or chucking it through the window, you can't do that with an e-card without ruining your laptop or your phone, and then they charge you for it, they charge you for an e-card, charge you, I mean okay how much is moon pig, moon pig, moon pig, e-card,

price, price, moon pig, e-card, romantic e-cards, instant delivery, really, valentine's day, okay, so valentine's day, e-cards, so if I do one, love, so I'll just do a send, send a love, I wonder who I'm sending it to, okay, your e-card, details, preview, I'll have to fill it in, I'll just put blah blah blah, just put in my details, and then just there, preview, fill in the thing, name of recipients, me, okay, I don't want to, I don't have the recipient's email, get shareable link for whatsapp, okay, preview, donate and send a card,

what, final e-card preview, so the donation, what if I don't donate, what if I don't put anything in, what if I put zero, I'm not actually sending a card by the way, so it's not like I'm not donating, oh no, I put in four pound, I didn't want to do that, zero, and this card was sent to, it's not allowing me, I put in zero, I did put in zero and it's gone to four, zero, so it's charging me a minimum of four pound, right, I'm going to decline and come out of that,

I'm not going to charge, it's going to charge me four pound to send myself an e-card, and they're saying that, I don't know if it's a percentage or money goes to a charity, which is, that's good, but I've ordered cards on eBay, on Mubi before and it's offered me the chance of doing an e-card and it actually says a price, they're like $2.99 instead of $4.99, something like that, so e-cards aren't free, although they are free, it doesn't cost money, why can't they just add it as part of the thing,

so you buy a card, a physical card, then you get an e-card free as well, so they get it in the post and they also get it in the email, and that makes sense to me, very little does, but that does, it really, really does, I don't think anything has ever made as much sense, as that did just then, I might contact Moonpig and say to them, oi Mr and Mrs Moonpig, I have an idea and it may well change your life, yeah, maybe not, I've got two,

no three new subscribers on my YouTube channel yesterday, that's the highlight of the decade, so I did a live broadcast on Faithbook yesterday, was it afternoon time, I think, Sunday afternoon, I think it was, and so I just did, you know, just talked and stuff, that's really weird, that microphone, it looked like my hand was all bent over, but I'm just leading my hands back, wow, that's strange, so that was a bit weird, doing a live broadcast, and it was okay, all right then, so he's had his dinner,

he's been out for a walk, only a short walk, but he didn't want to be outside, I think it may be it was a little bit too cold, maybe what he really wants is a bath, do you want a bath Vinnie, do you want a lovely bath, is that what you want, a bath, I tell you what's weird, is like I was trying to get that, whatever it was, off his belly, that I guess mud or something that he's got on there, just rolling around in the mud, and he snapped at me,

because I was trying to help him, so he's all brave and you know bullshit, when he gets in the bath, he's not brave at all, once he's in there, he just looks at me, he doesn't like it, do you, hey, doesn't like it at all, I'm looking forward to giving him a bath now, that's weird isn't it, punishment for being naughty, I picked him up earlier, and he snapped at me, and all I was doing was just like trying to calm him down, because I'm trying to put his lead on,

and he's like, he wants to go out, but at the same time, he doesn't want me putting his lead on, you can't have both, like I want to eat, but I don't want to open my mouth, it just doesn't work, you need to let me put your thing on, the lead on, and we can go out, you can't go out without the lead can you, I mean even with the lead on, he tries to run in the road, and I've worked for over two years trying to get him to stop,

and to walk slowly across the road, and he just won't, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't, yeah, the little girl around the corner who he adores, hey, it's my neighbor's kid, her dad's got her, one of him, like a baby him, well it's about a year old, but it's a little Jack Russell, I don't know if it's the same coloring, is it the same coloring issue, oh he has got, oh his chest is caked in mud, I didn't even know, I know, I wonder how that happened, it's weird,

he doesn't normally get stuff stuck in his, the, the, the, oh, all right baby, why don't you go in the background there, and do something to, to amuse me, yesterday's live broadcast, I didn't realize until, I'd filmed it, and done everything, and I was watching it back, and right at the beginning, he's in the background going like this, his ears look like, and it's so funny, I don't know, it just makes me laugh when he does that, trying to figure out what I'm doing, because normally he's not interested,

he'll do that when I'm talking directly at him, or to him, and like, what do you want, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, but he did it over there, and I didn't even know he was doing it, because I was so focused on testing to see if the recording, that the live broadcast was actually working, so I was on the laptop, and trying to test it, because I wasn't sure if the people could hear me, and it takes a while for the messages to come up on the screen,

but on the laptop it comes up pretty much straight away, so, and I was listening to it, and although the volume wasn't high, it did seem to be okay, it was loud enough for people to hear, and the quality of the sound was okay, I mean it wasn't like a high volume, but then nothing I do is particularly high volume, because I don't speak very loudly, but what was good is there wasn't a lot of background sound, and the sound was fairly clear, now I realise having a microphone in my face like this is,

it's not everyone's cup of tea, some people, you know, I have got a Labia, Labia, Labia, a Labia microphone, a Rode one I've had a few years, which could kind of go there, or in between my boobs, but I don't know, it's quite difficult to connect it, I mean I can connect it to a camera, but the problem I have with the camera is it doesn't record for very long periods of time, before it just shuts off, I don't know why it does that, so when I do a longer recording,

such as this Let Me Boyd Asleep, which is never really less than an hour, sometimes longer, sometimes a lot longer, and so it doesn't work to do, yeah, with that, if I use that Labia thing with the camera, again it would just cut off, however, I've tried it with a camera, without the Labia, and just having, like the microwave, the microwave, the microphone, recording me on the equipment over there, which you can't see, which is like a recording studio thing, thing, recording studio, sounds fancy doesn't it, but it's new,

and then sync it in together with video and everything, but at the moment what I've got is, I've got a setup where the microphone is connected to the phone, via a wire, so this microwave, it's micro, you know I've been calling it a microwave for weeks, I think it's because, well no, for a week anyway, because I've been thinking about that microwave, the same man delivered, the same man that dropped my microwave down the stairs twice, just over a week ago, week and a half ago, he,

I think he delivered a package to my door, so I went and went to get it, wasn't for me, it was for a neighbour, wasn't even my address, I don't know what's going on, it's very, yeah, anyway, so it was my friend at the neighbour's address, knocked on his door, gave it to him, and I might as well do the blokes job for him, and he said that there might be sweets in there, he wasn't sure, then he wanted, he tried to get into his flat, so he's got his door open,

I've got my door open, Finney runs and tries to get through his legs to get into his flat, he wasn't happy, he's like, no, people don't like, no one lets Finney into their flat, no one, the lady downstairs did, but then he did a wee, he wee'd all over her bed, and it's true, he did, he got, because he loves her, he absolutely adores her, and he, she had him for about an hour, she actually phoned me up and said, do you want me to have Finney for an hour, just,

you know, I said, alright, cool, so he went down there, I went and picked him up about an hour later, and she actually had film footage of him, and I filmed him a little bit, but he, yeah, he'd wee'd all over the bed, just for excitement, not, not because he needed to go, but he was so super excited, that he couldn't control his bladder, and also, she's got a cat, well, she's got two downstairs, so this one was in a different room, but I think the smell, he,

the smell of cats really does it, he can't get enough of the smell of cats, and it sends him absolutely wild, and ends like, hound dog is gonna eat that cat, he get, he's in that kind of mode, now, I don't know if he, if he wants to just be friends, or he wants to, I don't know, I'm not sure quite where he is on that, he's a bit frenzied, though, so I'm not sure if he's a cat's friend, but the little, I said, the girl has got another,

just now got her own dog, which is a Jack Russell, when he goes around there, he's scared of the cat, because during the summer, he had a fight with a cat, and the cat won, and ever since then, Vinnie's been petrified of that cat, now, he wasn't injured, but I think it was a swipe or something, and that was it, and he just, he came, he was hiding in the bushes, literally hiding, shaking, so I had to go and pick him up, try and calm him down, he,

it was the first time he had any kind of, an interaction like that with a cat, and it's weird, because he obviously thought he could maybe win, or, you know, or he just got too excited, but there's a cat that lives outside, not outside, but there's a flat, so if you go through the communal gardens, there's a flat, there's like a cat flap, that goes into this flat, both of those cats do not care about him at all, and he doesn't approach them, one of them is a tough cat,

no one would mess with that cat, and he doesn't, he knows not to go near him, and there's another cat, that on the way to the park, it will just lie on the ground, on the pavement, in our way, and Vinnie will tiptoe around him, he's never had a problem with that cat, anything, I think he might hiss to him once, but the cat does not care at all about Vinnie, nothing, and Vinnie tiptoes, he tries to walk in the road to get away from the cat,

and he's never had a run-in really with that cat, but other cats, I said the word cat a lot today, I don't know, just not just now, just all day, I've just been saying cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, I don't know why, I think there's a Monday thing, it's one of those like, do you ever have like a day where you think, well I'm gonna think of an animal, I'm gonna think of a different animal, see how many animals I can think of throughout the whole day,

from getting up in the morning, to going to bed at night, how many different animals can I think of, I thought of one, it's a cat, so now that's as far as I got, I might just have some ready break, I'm in one of those moods today, where I kind of just want to go back to bed, not in a bad way, just kind of, yeah, yeah, you know, oh it's windy out there now, a neighbor cooked me a dinner today, that was nice wasn't it, so I ran around to collect it,

it was raining and windy, couldn't take my Broly with me, because it was windy, and even if you buy a Broly, this is a moany one, I'm definitely moaning, this is a moany Monday, it's my new, my new series, the day, yeah, I think I can safely say, and I have done a little, little, little bit of research, as far as having owned multiple Brolys over the years, there's no such thing as windproof umbrella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Ella is the name of the lady that I met when I was on holiday,

did I tell you about Ella, okay, she worked in this bar, this is in Thailand, and she didn't work in a weird, it wasn't like a strange place, she actually, it was a proper place, she was the manager, and it was a bar, and it was a restaurant, it wasn't anything strange, and I'll leave it at that, but yeah, it was just like a sports bar, they had lots of TVs all around, and everything, I think they had a karaoke, they even had a bonk, a bonkin, a bronkin, a bronkin,

a bunkin, a bucking bronco, whatever they call it, you know, that you could sit on, and I think it was broken though, either that, or they didn't want me sitting on it, either it was broken, or they didn't want it to get broken, one of them, and actually, I did see them putting a bro, yeah, a sign on it, do not use, please do not use, I did query her, why does it say, do not use Jason, and she said, I don't know, I not know, you decide, up to you,

that's just some of the things that I would hear, and she, so I went in there, the second night of getting to the place, the first night, all the bars, no, the first night, everything was kind of closed, there was still nightlife, but there was a lot of stuff was closed, because by the time I got there, it's about 10 in the evening, and there wasn't a lot going on, it was a Sunday night, and this place had closed, I think by the time I got in and went out,

it was about 11 ish, so I think they'd closed the doors, the next day I went out, and there was no alcohol allowed, because it was the thing, it was the king's birthday, and I'll go in there, said, almost telling me not to bother coming in, because there's no alcohol, I said, I don't care, I said, the coke, not bothered, and one of them shouted out, no drugs allowed either, we all laughed, I said, no, just Coca-Cola, and so her name was Ella, there was something about her, but I just liked,

she was nice, she was, yeah, we kind of seemed to be a little bit on the same level, personality-wise, kind of, and anyway, I think I went back, no, did I, I think I went back the next day, so I was only there for a little while, then I went, then I left, went back the next day, and I had a few beers, and had something to eat, and at the end of the night, she, I was talking to this bloke, we were chatting, Irish bloke, and there was two,

the two managers, they were the only ones that didn't have the bar t-shirt on, they had a different, they were just like, yeah, they were like the co-managers or something, and this bloke, and we were, that's all that was left in the bar, everyone else had pretty much gone, so we go outside, and Ella says to her friend, do you want to, do you want to take him back, and she said, no, I don't know who you are, I'm not taking you home, I don't know who you are,

and I didn't, I wasn't expecting to be taken home anyway, it's like, I didn't know what they were doing, but they knew him, so they went home, and I said, alright, see ya, and I cried for a while, and then a couple of days later, I go in there, and it's just her, she's in there, the other one's not managing that night, and at the end of the night, she, excuse me, she says to me, are you coming then, I said, what do you mean, she said, she's like,

was inviting me back to go home with her, but it wasn't like, would you like to come home with me, would you like to, it was just like, come on then, hurry up, and it confused me, because that's very unlikely to happen here, so I just like, okay, I liked her, but she was getting on the back of a moped, and she expected me to get on the back of another moped, that was going to follow her, and this was fairly late, I don't know, 11.30 at night, and I didn't fancy it,

to be honest, I didn't, it was the motorbike journey, I didn't know how far it was, I wasn't going to have a helmet on, because they didn't have helmets, although it is, I think it's a legal requirement to wear a helmet, but it's one of those unenforced laws, it seems, and I thought, oh, I'm not sure if I fancy, it seems a bit of a risk, now, if it was now, I'd be on that motorbike, trying to ride it myself, and I would be, yeah, I would be on the back of that motorbike,

or moped, like, okay, come on, let's go, but in that moment, I hesitated, I hesi hesi hesi hesitated, because I was scared, I was scared of being on the back of a motorbike, or a moped, not knowing where I was going, not knowing really why I was going there, so there was no, the communication wasn't there, so I didn't know, see, she'd have said, oh, should we go, go for a drink, or should we go and get a meal, I'd have been up for that, because then I'd like, okay,

let's walk, or she'd have said, oh, I've ordered a taxi, a car, okay, yeah, let's go, even if she'd have said, oh, let's go to, let's travel 50 miles away, and go to, go and stay, go and go to a, whatever, I'd probably would have been up for that, but the fact that she wanted me to get on the back of a moped, a moped, and I know they don't look like they travel very fast, but I know, having had a moped when I was about 16, and played around on it,

never, I never managed to ride on the road, I was never roadworthy, but I did, sort of, I still remember the fumes now, I love the smell of it, the smell of petrol and that, and I used to take them apart, and then buy another one that didn't work, take that apart, and get another one that didn't work, take that apart, just, you know, I was trying to use a book, one of those books that helps you to put stuff together, and, but it works better if you actually get a book that's the same model,

so, or at the very least, the same type of vehicle, I mean, mine was about a milk float, and that didn't work, so, I, it feels like you're going pretty, pretty fast on those things, and then there's the problem of, like, where do I put my hands, because if I'm going to be on the back of a motorbike or moped, I need to cuddle the person, not out of romance, just pure fright, it would be, it's holding on, I just, I'm not going to put my hands on their shoulders,

because I guarantee you, if, if I'm sitting on the back of a moped, and I've got my hands on your shoulders, you're not going to be able to ride a moped for probably about three or four months, because your shoulders will be so injured, just from me, the terror grip, you know, it, it's not, it's not fair on anyone, because, and it's not just that, it's that they're not having a helmet, I know a helmet doesn't, you know, ultimately, it's better to, a helmet's better than no helmet, I would say,

in various situations, and, oh, my, my upper lip's a bit sore, oh no, I hope the herpes isn't back, I had a girlfriend tell me once that she had herpes, but it was during a time when that wasn't the right time to tell me, there's never a good time, I guess, but it was literally, we were in an intimate situation, and she's like, oh, by the way, I have herpes, it's like, okay, could you have told me earlier, but when's a good time to tell you, I don't know when a good time is,

I said probably any time other than when we're sitting at a dinner table, eating with my parents, you know, that would have been a better time, any other time than that, Christmas morning, or each year, so, I actually got tested years ago, for all that stuff, and I was clear, it's like, it was weird that I was surprised, but, you know, not being like super active, but it was nice, like, okay, I was clear of everything, well, except syphilis, but, you know, everything else was fine, I don't think that's anything to be concerned about,

but it was just, I remember the only reason I got the test is because my new girlfriend at the time wouldn't have anything to do with me unless I got tested, to make sure I didn't have any hidden surprises, I guess, I'll tell you how dumb I was, firstly, I did it, and that might, you might think, well, that's not dumb, actually, it is, considering she wouldn't have hers done, because she would have it done, it's clear, didn't show me any evidence, because she was, because I was desperate,

because we were dating, and I guess I got to the point where the intensity of the romantic moments were increasing to the point where we both wanted to be able to let ourselves relax in the moment, you know, and she wouldn't do anything unless I had a, what's it, you know, had a test, and I remember I was walking towards Argos, I don't know why I remember this particularly, but there was bushes around, that's probably why, because that's part of my story, so I was on the phone,

and I phoned up the hospital to get the test results, and as I said, it was pretty much clear, and so I phoned her up and said, where are you, how far away can you get here, how long before you can get here, I said, it's all clear, it's all fine, she said, oh, that's good, and I said to her, I said, you know what, I've had a bit of promiscuity over the years, you know, in the past, when I was a younger person, and this is me talking to my girlfriend,

I said, you know what, Veronica, Gertrude, you know what, after having this test done, all coming clear, most of it coming clear, even if a woman jumped out of the bushes right now, and demanded satisfaction, just demanded that we do something, I might, I possibly wouldn't even, I might turn it down, I might turn it down.

Now, that's not a story to tell your girlfriend, a scenario to even bring up, and I thought I was being sensitive to her needs, and I wasn't, was I really, and she said, you what, I said, what do you mean, what, I said, you're just talking about if some strange person comes up and wants to, you know, do things, you might consider not doing it, because now that you've got a clean bill of health, I said, yeah, she said, I'm your girlfriend, you shouldn't be telling me that, I said, oops,

sorry, can you just forget I said anything, and I said, I've got to go, I hung up, and I phoned my friend up and said, I got my results clear, I said, guess what, you know what, if someone jumped out of out of the bushes, and told him the story, my girlfriend was right, it was better suited for someone else, I think it just, yeah, I just told the wrong story, she didn't appreciate it, she didn't see the irony, or the humor, or the intellectual, spiritual, philosophical angle that I was coming from,

yeah, so I was on a treadmill, and I haven't used a treadmill since I got it, and which was ages ago, probably six months ago, maybe, maybe less, maybe three, four months, but it was in the cell, and it's literally, if you're watching the video, it's to my, this is my left, so it's to my left, although on the video, it might be to my right, I don't know, and I put it up, I couldn't get it to work, and this is this, this red thing that goes in the middle of it,

it's like a magnet, magnetic thing, and without that, the whole thing won't work, and what you do is you connect the other side to your top, so that if, if it pulls it off, the machine breaks, well, just, it's like a breaker thing, so it just stops instantly, which means you don't get flung off the other side, and I had it for weeks, and I couldn't get it to work, I didn't know what that thing was, you know, this red thing, like what is that for, I couldn't figure it out,

so I just left it in the bag, and I had to go on YouTube and search for videos, and eventually, I found out what it was, the thing I don't like about the, the running thing, well, it's a walking thing, no running will be done on there, ever, walking thing, is, needs to be lubricated, so they sent some lube in with it, now, I didn't realise what happened, I didn't realise that that, the lube was for the machine, and I'm thinking, did I order something else by accident, and then, like,

put it all together, but they've missed out the main ingredient, but it wasn't, it was a different kind of lube, but you have to unscrew the belt, loosen the belt, rather, and then spray the lube underneath the belt, and then tighten the belt up again, and that's a lot of hassle, I can't be bothered with that, I mean, what, why, why have I got to go through all of that, just, just, you know, why, why, I think this Ella, I think, when I turned her down, not, I didn't turn her down,

but I said no, but there was a communication problem, and she said, all right, and she's got on her bike and left, she didn't seem that bothered, to be honest, and I did, I don't think, I did see her again, but she didn't, she was a little bit cold with me, and it was strange, because I liked her, I think she was about 93, so good age for me, she was about six foot six, 500 pounds, I think, roughly, so she was a nice, everything was perfect, but then she had wings,

which is weird, I never, never, never met anyone with wings before, scaly back, it was, what was weird, though, is her feet, you know, some people have hairy feet, but you couldn't see her feet for the hair, but it was blonde, like a blonde kind of hair, but it was like all over the feet, and I saw once, and it went all the way up to the knees, it's almost like she put on like a teddy bear costume, but it just wasn't big enough to reach over her knees,

and she had these glasses, but the, the magnification was really, really big, I mean, I've got glasses, and my eyesight isn't great, to be fair, but her eyes were bigger than the glasses, the, the glass itself, although they were big, her eyes were even bigger, so you could see her eyes were out there, and then when she took her glasses off, her eyes just disappeared, like she had no eyes, it was almost like, do you remember the, the Michael Jackson video, where the camera just suddenly goes back, or he comes forward,

or whatever, it's nothing like that, actually, nothing like that, but it was kind of like a magic trick, with eyes, a magic trick, if you wanted eyes to disappear, from being really big, to just not nothing, and I don't mean in the same way as, like, if I took my glasses off, you might think, oh, his eyes are a lot smaller than I thought, and that can be the same with, you know, if you've got magnified, a lot high magnification, but her eyes literally were bigger, even bigger than the glasses themselves,

it was very weird, it was like an optical illusion, yeah, there's a joke there, was that a good pun, was that a crap pun, I don't know, I guess if it was a magic with her eyes, that would be an optical illusion, because an illusion is an optical, so I decided, I'm going to give the treadmill a go, I'm going to give it a go, and I've been thinking about doing it for months, and I thought, you know what I'll do, I had to move it out a little bit,

I had to make sure that underneath was clear of stuff, so debris and things like that, brick, rubble, cabbage, just make sure there was nothing obstructing the belt going around, and I sat on it, I didn't sit on it, I stood on it rather, like I sat on it for a little while, that just didn't work, it's a shame that the only exercise, I mean, well, it's not the only exercise, but sitting down and exercising is generally like an exercise bike, and that is not, it's not healthy, it's not healthy,

not for my, you know, for my bits down there, it's not healthy, a bicycle saddle and me have never been compatible, I just don't, I've never liked bicycle saddles, apart from that woman's one, no, not that woman's one, that sounds bad, but I used to ride a woman's bike, and they were called female bikes back then, so don't, no, they were actually men's and women's bikes, is there such a thing now?

Okay, let's have a look, Halfords, I think we'll find it probably still is, Halfords, Halfords lifetime motoring and cycling, so Halfords is what it was, used to be the biggest bike shop, cycling, shall we have a look, is there men's and women's bikes, except all cookies, I don't know why, not the kind of cookies I like, okay, refurbished turbo trailers, bikes, turbo trailers, bike helmets, stop teasing me, let's go to bikes, bikes, right, what are the categories, mountain bikes, kids bikes, electric bikes, junior bikes, road bikes, hairy bike, hybrid bikes,

right, what's this, don't know what that is, oh, men's bikes, women's bikes, so there is such thing as a woman's bike, okay, and that's the biggest, the biggest seller of bikes in the country, as far as I'm aware, it always used to be Halfords, so I was riding a woman's bike, but it wasn't another woman's bike, because I'm going to talk about the saddle, it'd be weird, especially as I, I didn't sniff it, I'm just saying it's, it was, it was, sometimes you want to make sure that things are clean,

and you know, I cleaned the saddle, but I spilt something on there, so this is the problem, right, I was having, I feel like I'd, I parked it outside the co-op where I used to work, so I traveled on my, the woman's bike, parked it outside, and yeah, that's it, I was, I was going to carry some stuff, I think I carried my, yeah, I think I must have took a packed lunch or something, and it was a tuna fish sandwich, and I don't know how,

but some of the tuna fish landed on the seat, so it might sound like a weird thing to do, but I thought, well, I don't want to waste it, there's one thing people, seeing you sniffing a saddle, but licking one is, that's even weirder, it was my saddle, it's not like it was anyone else's bike, but I don't think anyone else knew, it's like, so that was weird, a weird moment, but yeah, it's not, it wasn't my, it wasn't the worst, worst experience publicly, but it wasn't the top one either,

or was it curry sauce, there was something, I did sniff the saddle, it was literally just because I cleaned the saddle, and I wanted to make sure that it didn't stink, and bearing in mind that I was going to be traveling, and sitting on that saddle, home, and then back again, you know, because I was going home for lunch maybe, and coming back, I didn't want my trousers to stink of curry, or whatever the smell was, it might have been, it was something that I didn't want my trousers to smell of,

I never really wanted my trousers to smell of anything, not really, but you know, other than to take my trousers off, and smell them, I realized you can't do that in public either, so second best thing is to sniff the saddle, after I cleaned it by the way, and it was fine, it smelled a bit bleachy, so I used a bit too much bleach, and it's always a way isn't it, whenever you do something like that, guaranteed a coach load of children drive past, it's just, it's just timing isn't it,

but I knew I was innocent, it was just a very innocent thing, I didn't want to, he's making some weird noises, I didn't want to be, have things on my trousers, as it is, I had this little brown jacket, and at the time I was nine stone, wow, so yeah, like six stone lighter than I am now, can you imagine, I was like a stick, and because I'm pretty slim now, if you don't look too, if you squint your eyes, and stand back about three or four miles, I'm very slim,

so I had this jacket, and it always smelled weird to me, it's not weird, it's not like a bit stuffy, a bit, a bit, and I can never figure out what it was, I can never figure out like, why does it smell so bad, it's just stuffy, and a bit, I didn't like it, and it was too tight, so because I was slim, I had this jacket that was like probably made for 14 year olds, because they used to have kids, well I was like 17,

but they used to have like part-time kids from school working there, so this was clearly for a kid, so they put it on me because I was slim, but I could hardly move, I was like that, like really just stuck in it, and I just had to try and move my hands around, because the thing was so tight on me, now that's okay when you're muscular, so you know, I only ever wore tight clothes once, and that was about 1999, and I went through a period when I was at my best physically,

my body was at my best, it's ever been before or since, I still wasn't heavy, but I was just really, I worked at it, and I was able to wear tight t-shirts, and I looked all right, I guess, you know, I got compliments, inside my own mind, I got compliments, okay, you can't prove I didn't, so I can just say, yeah I did, all the time, I'm not sure if I got any compliments, but one person did come up to me once and say, excuse me, can I just get through,

and for me, the fact that she acknowledged me, meant that there must be, must have noticed my muscles, we were on a train, well, I was, I was, I was waiting to get on the train, but I was admiring myself in the reflection of the window, she was a ticket inspector, just wanted to get on with her job, probably, like two fleas meeting in the night, with a caterpillar, playing the violin, serenading, what could have been, what wasn't, I remember thinking at the time, wish I'd bought myself a ticket,

so that, that recycling, not recycling, that thingy, running machine thing, I decided today, I'm gonna, I'm not running on it, because I don't think that's fair on the neighbors downstairs, I don't, and I'm not, I'm not, I just don't think that the foundation of this building could handle me jumping up and down and running, I think that would, the integrity of the building could be in jeopardy, so I thought, I'll tell you what I'd do, I'll go on it and I'll just walk, but I will walk faster than I normally walk,

because if I walk at my own speed, it, I worked out, I probably walk two miles an hour, maybe one, one to two miles an hour, I'm a very slow walker, so I picked the speed up, and got it to four miles an hour on the machine, you know, the run, the walking, the treadmill, and four miles an hour was fast enough, it's not super fast, but it was definitely at least twice as fast as I normally walk, I watched a movie while I did it, while I was walking,

and I walked for an hour, so I did, what was that, about 52 miles, so I'm pretty pleased, only got through, blimey, half of the movie, if that, and I turned it off and came out, I'll watch it again tomorrow, the next bit tomorrow, when I do another hour, and I got a little bit of a sweat up, I'll be honest, it was a little bit, a little bit sticky, and it was kind of weird, because I don't walk at that speed, and four miles, which is worked out,

I did four miles in an hour, at that speed, it's, I mean, let's have a look, um, it's going to work out to Colchester town, oh, maps, maps, I'm going to see what the distance is, distance, walking, walking, walking, right, from here, roughly to the town centre, is about six miles, now, I think that's pretty good, bearing in mind, it says to walk it, it's 5.7 miles, to walk it one hour and 50 minutes, now, at four miles an hour, that's going to, I'll get there a lot quicker than one hour and 50 minutes,

won't I, because if it was eight miles, I'd get there in two hours, yeah, so if I've done four miles in one hour, I can do eight miles in two hours, it's saying here that 5.7 miles would take one hour and 50 minutes to walk, so clearly, mind you, it's still the same mileage, isn't it, doesn't matter if it's going around corners, or it's still the mileage, so technically, I could, what would it work out at four, if I could do eight miles in two hours,

so if I did 10 hours walking, it's 40 miles a day, five hours is 20 miles a day, that's pretty good, I reckon if I did 20 miles a day, every day walking, bearing in mind, what now, I reckon I'll probably get up to about six miles an hour, like I think six is the maximum, I think, maybe eight, I think six miles, maybe eight, I'm not sure, so if I'm doing six miles an hour, I can do six miles in one hour, yeah, I think that's it,

which means I could get to town in less than an hour, because 5.7 miles, which is 50 minutes less, or less than an hour, so it's half the time it would take normally, a normal human to walk it, which makes me superhuman, I do believe, so my plan is tomorrow, do another hour, four miles in an hour, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, do it until I feel comfortable doing that hour, so it's not a big chore, because it was a little bit like, oh, are we there yet,

it felt a little bit like that, how much longer have we got, I was like, okay, so there's still three and a half miles left, so it was a little bit of a chore, once I get used to doing it, I'll up it, and my plan was really to do about 10 miles a day, in one go, so if I can do, if I can put up to five miles an hour, that's two hours, six miles an hour, it's like an hour and something, I don't know, whatever, hour and a half,

six miles, six, 12, hour and 40 minutes, maybe, so yeah, I'm probably, I'm happy with four miles an hour, four miles a day, in an hour, and then look to extend it to the point where I'm doing 10 hours, 10 miles a day, rather, not 10 hours, and I reckon, if I do 10 miles a day, walking, because I'll be walking quite fast, I'll be doing more than four miles an hour, I'll probably up to about six miles an hour, I guess, if I'm going to do 10 miles, I reckon,

I should be able to shift some of this fat, a little bit more fat off my body, and it might help my cardiovascular system as well, the weird thing about it, I wasn't out of breath at all, I know some people might think, well, you're going four miles an hour, it's not exactly speedy Gonzales, is it, racist, no, but for me, I don't walk fast, I walk really slowly, I can walk fast, I choose not to, so, so four miles, four miles an hour, I could do eight hours in two hours,

eight miles in two hours, so two and a half hours of walking, I could do 10 miles at the four miles an hour thing, two and a half hours, a little bit too long to be on a treadmill, I think, so I reckon I could probably fairly easily get up to five miles an hour, maybe faster, but even if it's five miles an hour, and I do two hours once a day, every day, not now, not anytime soon, but maybe like next month, not February, because that's just around the corner,

but next year, maybe, next year, maybe when I'm 70, but just see, see how it goes, and just walk on it, just keep doing it, and see how it feels, because it felt quite nice, to be honest, I felt quite good, wasn't out of breath, sweating a little bit, I didn't mind that, in fact, it's a good thing, sweating is good, isn't it, but I didn't, I didn't, didn't get out of breath, which I thought I would have done, because it was a little bit of a,

it was a little bit of a chore, after a while, I suppose, for some, I think, in a way, it was more of a balance thing, because it's, as I said, it's a cheap old thing, it's not very wide, so it's not like the machines you get in, you know, the gyms, but it'll do, and it means I don't have to go out, so that's a good thing, and if I'm, he's waiting at the door, what are you waiting for, Vinnie, if I'm with this little one here, I can't walk fast,

because he's constantly stopping to smell stuff, and to do wee-wees, and stuff, I'll just spat then, no, no, no, let's have a little drink, so that is, I do believe, I'm pretty sure, the end of this recording, so I'm going to go, and Vinnie's just standing at the door, I don't know why, he's staring at me, I can peripheralise, and see that he's standing, staring at me, and his bits are out, why is that out, put it back in, Vinnie, I don't know why, so I'm going to go, and I'm sorry if this recording was

too exciting, as I said, so thank you for listening, remember to be kind to yourself, remember to be gentle with yourself, because you do deserve to be happy, and safe, lots of love, bye.