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Hellooooooo to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. It is Wednesday, the 18th of December 2024. My name is Jason Newland.
Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Don't worry, that's my cardigan. What do I normally say? I don't know.
My website is jasonnewland.com which is basically my podcast. So you can go there and watch all my stuff or listen to all my stuff. My YouTube channel is at Jason Newland.
My YouTube channel is also on my website. There's a link there as well. There's information about the background music that I have that I play on some of my tracks, my tracks for my podcasts.
And that's Deep Relaxation from Kevin MacLeod at Incompetent.com That information is on there as well. And my Facebook group is called Jason Newland's Boring Group. I've currently got 200 members.
So it's a very small, intimate group. But if you'd like to join, then please do so. It is a private group.
But just apply and you can join in with all the fun. I do some regular recordings, regular days. So for example, on a Monday I usually do Sleepy Boring Objects where I talk about one subject, kind of, for the duration.
Yeah, I never get sidetracked ever. Never. I'm very, very focused.
And then on Tuesday I have Trivia Tuesday. That's it, Trivia Tuesday. And I just find a topic and just read out a bunch of trivia nonsense about that topic.
Some of which may be false or true. I've got no idea because I don't fact check anything. And then on Friday I have Q&A Friday.
So every Friday, and I've been doing that for about seven months now, on a Wednesday, so I guess I should post that today, I just ask if there's any questions for Q&A Friday. And I always get some questions. Sometimes I get lots, sometimes I get a few.
And anything you want to ask, I will try my bestest to answer. And then on Sunday, I do the Sunday Papers. And so I just go through the Sunday Papers.
It's hard to get through more than one paper. Sometimes I try and get through more than one, but, you know, there's quite a lot in each paper. But that's what I've sort of been doing.
And I'm getting better at sticking to the routine. You know, I don't know. With the Q&A Friday, definitely.
I've definitely been sticking to that every week pretty much for the last seven months. Sleepy Boring Objects. I used to call it Monday's Boring Objects, but it is Sleepy Boring Objects.
That's what I've done then in the past. So it's a different podcast altogether, really. And perhaps I'm not quite as... I do try and do them regularly.
I'm doing quite well with that. And then on Tuesday, Trivia Tuesday, yeah, fairly regular. I try and stick to it.
And again, the Sunday Papers. So that's four days a week that I have a fairly regular structure. A few months ago, I did try and, like, fill every single day, which didn't really suit me.
It's nice to... Because you know what? Sometimes I just want to do a recording about what's going on. Just talk about random things. And if I'm stuck in a structure or a... Well, for example, if I have like a... I think last Friday, I had a really busy day.
And there was lots for me to talk about. But I also realized that it was Q&A Friday. So I probably spent the first hour just talking about my day.
So that will happen sometimes. And that wasn't very exciting, was it? I really need to work on my introduction. I've been very gassy lately.
I've been having problems. I'm having pains in my left side. And I don't know if it's because I had a pizza on Saturday.
And I felt a bit unwell after eating it. And I've, yeah, been... Not felt great all week. Just stomach.
But I don't know if I've got a little bit of food poisoning or something didn't agree with me. I don't know. Which is a little bit upsetting because it's the first time I've had a Domino's pizza in ages.
And the idea of not being able to have a Domino's pizza... Well, I've actually gone off the idea of having a Domino's pizza. It probably wasn't Domino's. I mean, it might just be my body not enjoying pizza anymore.
It could be anything. But it might have been the cookies I had. Because I don't really eat sugar anymore.
So when I do eat sugar, which occasionally, it seems to have a weird effect on me. And by sugar, I don't mean the odd biscuit. I mean like a cookie with chocolate and stuff like that in it.
It was a little bit too... Probably a bit too much. Yeah. So perhaps I'll kind of give that a miss.
Although Domino's is my favourite. But it might just... I'm sure it had nothing to do... I don't want them suing me. I don't want them taking away all my stuff.
I mean, my wooden coat hangers and my dirty carpet. I need to get a new carpet. I really do.
Oh man, I need a carpet. I'm going to see if I'm able to do that next year. It's not a very exciting plan, but it could be definitely something that I could do with kind of getting done.
Because Andre, my little Andre, absolutely ruined this carpet. And Vinnie hasn't really helped either. And my friend's dog Logie used to come up here.
You know, just animals aren't necessarily good for carpets. I don't know, maybe I just want to blame others. I'm blaming other people, I know, really.
Maybe I don't take my shoes off when I come in. I don't wear my outdoor shoes inside, usually. But sometimes I do.
And if anyone visits, I'm not one of those people that says, No, you must take your shoes off at the door. Because I would never do that. I have to do it with my dad's.
But that's it. I would never take my shoes off in someone else's house. I'd just rather not go in their house.
Because I don't want to take my shoes off, because my feet are so smelly. They're not, I don't think they are. I can't smell them.
But then, the whole thing about being nose blind, it really is a thing. I kind of believed it. You get used to a certain odor without really noticing it.
And when I had Andre, because he was a ferret, some people did not like the smell, the ferret smell. I thought he smelled wonderful. Not all the time.
But when he let a stink off, because he had like a bit of a skunk thing going on. So when he was angry, sometimes he let a really bad stink off. And then that would be bad.
That would be like a really bad smell. He did it once while he was actually, I don't know why he did it. He was very young, so I don't think he had so much control over it.
But I was cuddling him. And I was wearing a t-shirt, and he let off a stink. I had to chuck the t-shirt out.
It was that bad. I went to put it into the washing machine, and the washing machine wouldn't open. I was like, why is the door not opening? And I heard this voice, why do you think? You ain't putting that in me, mate.
Move along, chuck it out the window. I said, I'm not chucking it out the window. That's just grim.
There's actually people around here. It's hard to believe. Chuck nappies out of the window.
Don't know who, but like, wow. How, in what world is that normal? Is that even acceptable? To chuck a nappy out of a window? I mean, I guess it's different. If it's your house, and it's your back garden, and if you want to chuck stuff into the back garden, then you kind of can, really, can't you? It's still grim.
It's still mildly unpleasant. But, you know, it's your garden. But when it's a communal area... Yeah, ugh.
So I don't know quite where it came from, where the nappies came from. And if you don't know what nappies are, it's diapers. You might call them diapers where you are.
And, I mean, when I had a job in East London, I was a cleaner. And people used to chuck nappies out of tower blocks. It was a standard thing.
There'd be nappies all over the grass. And I found it quite funny, but at the same time it was a bit grim. But I just found it amusing.
I thought, why would... Why? How? What? What has to be going through your brain? You know, what has to be going through their brain in order to think, I know I've got this baby thing full of poo. What shall I do with it next? And what they do next is chuck it out the window. It is, I mean, I guess, like, it's out of sight, out of mind, maybe.
Yeah. I noticed it happened a few times. I think they were aiming at me, actually.
You know, I had someone the other day drive past me. This is the second time. And it's annoying a little bit.
I was walking down the road, down the main road, and with Vinnie, just bought some milk. No, we didn't buy any milk because there wasn't any milk there. But we went to buy some milk.
And a van passed me on the other side of the road. A blue van. And it sounded like... You know when you know someone's shouting at you? I mean, they might not have been shouting at me, but they said something like, fool, you fool.
But really loudly, just as they went past me. Now, they might have been talking to someone else in the van. They might have been on the phone.
I don't know. But another thing happened a couple of months back. And it was a van.
I don't remember if it was a blue or white van. It was going the other direction, and he was sticking his finger up at me. And it was part of me thinking, keep looking at me.
Keep looking at me. In the hope that the lorry in front of him sort of stops very quickly. But that didn't happen.
And I just think, what... Again, what goes through someone's head to do something like that? Or to hurl abuse or be... You know, shout stuff at people on the pavement when they're driving past? I don't... What... Is it strange that I can't grasp the mentality of that? I just don't... It's really beyond me. But then I don't understand why people do a lot of things. Why people steal off each other.
I just don't... Not everyone does that, but I know a few people that do stuff like that. And I just don't get it. Why... Or lie.
Lie in order to get things. What, I'll borrow some money, I'll pay you back. On Wednesday.
Then Wednesday comes. I'll pay you back. Next Tuesday.
Then Tuesday comes. Something happened and I'll pay you back. Next Monday.
And it just goes on and on and on, like... You... You had no intention of paying me back right from the start, did you? That was... You weren't going to pay me back. You borrowed money knowing... I had someone do that to me just before Christmas. It was literally the beginning of Christmas.
Beginning of December. And I was in a bit of a vulnerable state to be honest. And this was this year.
No, last year now. Yeah, it was last year. And... They wanted to borrow some money.
So I said, alright, but I do need it back. Don't worry, I'll get it back to you and it'll be like ten days before Christmas. Which is what I needed because, you know, I've got to get Christmas presents and stuff.
Didn't pay it back. And... It was like probably the end of January and I was getting... I was getting a little bit carried away with my feelings. And in the end, I just went up to them and said keep the money.
Because I was getting more and more wound up by it. And... Because, you know, I just figured that once... Once what happened at the end of November last year happened, then all the people connected to him that used to try and take advantage of me and ask for stuff and not give it back and that would all end. And I wouldn't have to be dealing with that anymore.
And I'm no longer financially supporting other people when I can't really afford to. And within a month, within about three weeks I had like three people ask to borrow money. It's like... Urgh! And... Now there's only two people that ask me for stuff.
So it's getting less. One person just asks for bits and bobs. Like if I've got any pain tablets or if I've got a lighter or if I've got... I don't know, all kinds of... If I've got a drill.
I said no, you've already got my drill. It's like that. I'm trying to kind of... Disseminate, not disseminate, is that the right word? Trying to reduce that, that situation.
And then the other one is just somebody that's just... just trying to help. But I'd like to start next year without any of that stuff. Just move into next year.
Focus on this stuff. Whatever this is. I still don't know what this is.
What is this? I don't know. I don't know. I wish I knew.
I still don't know. I've been doing this for seven years now. Is it seven years? What is it? I started this 2018.
Like the, Let Me Bore You To Sleep. 18, sorry. 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25.
So yeah, it's coming up to seven years in a couple of months. I still don't even know what this is. And I get people... When people listen every day and I do get, well, the little amount of feedback I do get is generally positive.
But I still... And to be honest, if I listen to my own recordings, I fall asleep. Works on me. And you'd think I'd be the last person it'd work on really because unlike everyone else that's listening, I find what I'm saying interesting.
I'm on the edge of my seat like, what am I going to say next? Maybe not. But what I do is I listen to the 10 hour version on YouTube. And because also, because I like it because after the first 10 seconds it's a black screen or it's a dark screen.
So I listen to it on my TV. It's a dark screen and I listen to it. There's no music, it's just me for 10 hours.
So for the length of the recording and then after that it's more like affirmations and stuff. And I don't listen to it to go to sleep. But I do end up going to sleep.
I listen to it more for... Like I'll be in my chair and I'll just... Sometimes I just think, well, I'll have an hour or two and I'll just have a nap. Or I'll listen to it and relax really. It's not about going to sleep.
It's just more I listen to it, relax and it's kind of a new thing that I've been doing because I figured, well, I really should listen to my own recordings to see if... if, I don't know, if they sound OK. And... Because in the past, I've got a memory actually, it was probably 2017. No, blimey, no.
So I was having psychotherapy, so 2018, December time and I was waiting for... to see my psychotherapist. Or it might be my psychologist. No, it was my psychologist.
Well, psychotherapist as well. Because I had psychotherapy. I had... I'm going to tell you what it was.
Because I've got... See, I'm too open. I tell everyone everything. I shouldn't tell you all stuff like this.
So I've been diagnosed in the past with bipolar affective... See, that's a mouthful. Bipolar affective disorder and EUPD, which is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. So, as well as anxiety and and depression and stuff.
I mean, that's part of the bipolar, I guess. But anyway, so Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder Treatments Therapy Treatments So, I forget what it's called. And I had about two years of it.
I found the letter, actually. The letter. It's DBT.
Cognitive... No, it's not. No, dialect... OK. DBT.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy. So, treatment for EUPD, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, typically involves psychotherapy, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy, DBT. And I I did that for quite a while.
I could still do with it, actually. I mean, I'm not... There's certain aspects of my life and Sebastian, if you listen to this, you'll probably... You can agree with this as well, I imagine. There was... You see, there's a couple of people that have been listening to me for years.
I don't mean fully, always, but they've been... They've listened to my stuff all the way back to... If we go back to 2011. So, what's that? 13 years ago. And some people have been listening to me since 2006, 2007.
But there's two particular people that I know have been listening to me or been following me, or whatever you want to call it. And that's Boston Chicky and Sebastian Weird German Man. And he's my stalker.
So, we... I tell you what, he's very good with videos. He made a video of me and it's a picture of me in my dressing gown and then it pulls out and I'm being pulled by all these people in a karate thing. It's just... It's funny.
And another stuff that he sent, but I can't tell you because it's... It's funny though. He is funny. So, I mean, Sebastian did point out to me a while back that I'm not as destructive as I used to be.
Regarding my own... So, I used to destroy things. Not other people's things. Not... I didn't... I've never been like that really.
But, I used to delete my YouTube channel. Well, once I actually did delete my YouTube channel. Which was going really well.
And that was in about 2013? 14? It was going... I'm talking... Not like really well, like... But, it was doing good. You know, I've been working on it for a long time and I was getting regular... regular viewers. And I was making videos quite regularly as well.
And I had a little bit of money coming in from the AdSense. Not a lot, but it was definitely useful because I was self-employed. And I was getting probably about $100 a month coming in.
So, I was getting... Yeah, about $100 a month. But it was growing. Every month it was growing by about another 15,000 views.
So, I was... Yeah, for me it was going really well. If that makes sense. Because I had my first viral moment that didn't involve medication.
It was 2011. And it was the Try and Stay Awake hypnosis for sleep. Try and Stay Awake challenge.
Something like that. It is actually on my YouTube channel. It's hidden amongst all the other stuff.
But it was the first video I ever did that suddenly was getting big numbers. Big for me. So, I was happy if I was getting a few hundred views on a video in the first day or two.
That was and then growing from there. But this got... I think overnight I got about 10,000 views of the video. And then it kept growing.
And I had over 100,000 views of that video. Yeah, it was still... I was still getting thousands of views every week of that video. So, it was still my most popular video at that time.
And it felt pretty good. Because that was the turning point in the channel. Even though it was going fairly well to start with.
Well, over that period because I had it for a long time. As soon as YouTube kind of popped out I was on YouTube making videos. Before that I was on MySpace making videos.
In 2006. So... And I deleted that channel. And I've got rid of websites multiple times.
Come off of Facebook. Shut down Facebook pages. And the Facebook page I used to have was 2007.
The one I got now is from I think it's 2010. No. Oh, what? Joined in August 2008.
OK. So, I had a Facebook page in 2000. I don't know if it was 2006, was it? 2007.
And I must have deleted that one. So, then I had to start another one. But I've had this one since 2008.
It's still quite a long time, isn't it? It's over four years. Yeah. And I also This is... See, I'm not I'm kind of not talking about this in a negative way.
So, kind of technically it's things that I've done that I'm not super happy about. I'm not mildly happy about it. Or proud or like anything like that.
It's just, it is what I've done. And I don't seem to I don't necessarily do that stuff anymore. Kind of.
Yeah, I don't really. Two really big things that I did other than, I mean getting rid of my YouTube channel and deleting that when it was actually going really well after all those years of working on it. You know, about 1,500 videos.
I mean, I only had a half a million views. But still, for me, that was good. You know, it was growing.
So by now, I probably would have had 600,000 views 12 years on. So, it's a couple of things I did. Over the years, I mean, to be fair relationships, jobs I've chucked so many things down not down the drain, but just like abandoned courses.
I did one recently, I suppose with the Open University, but that was that was different. I just I don't know. It's, I'm not a good I'm not a good juggler.
And you might think, well, what's that got to do with studying? No, I don't mean it like that. I don't mean literally juggling. Something came into my mind a few weeks ago.
And it's something that reminded me of what I wanted years and years ago. My ideal lifestyle we're going to miss out some things of what I would like to have as a lifestyle, but my ideal lifestyle was to be able to devote my time to this. To making recordings and making some maybe hypnosis stuff as well, but to make recordings that help people.
That's my ideal lifestyle. So I could focus on doing this. I can read books.
I can you know, and all that stuff, but ultimately, I can devote my time to this. And I realized a few weeks ago that for the first time, not really for the first time, because technically you could say, could argue that I've been able to do that for the last 10 years, but I've had a lot of outside distractions and dramas to deal with over the years living here.
So this is kind of the first time that I can kind of let's say 100%, but pretty much focus on this.
Focus on what I'm doing. Focus on creating hopefully something that's boring enough to send people to sleep. And at the same time, I'm kind of I don't know what the word is.
It's like an ongoing journal as well, isn't it, I suppose. A very boring journal. But in the past, there's a couple of things I've done which was weird.
One was I used to write journals for decades. I had a huge pile of pads that I took everywhere I moved. Whenever I moved to another place, I took them with me.
And it was a big, big old pile. And it was just these 200, not all of them were 200 pages, but just the writing pads, you know, the refill pads. And I had them, some of them were falling apart.
And I remember I had the very first one that I started in April 1990. And on the first page, I wrote down, I decided I want to be a comedian. And all through the 90s, I used those pads to write material, talk about my life, talk about what's happening in my life, girlfriends, jobs, places I lived, my dreams, health, or whatever.
And how gigs went, you know, just stuff like that. So it wasn't just just writing silly things, it was also kind of a, well, a journal, you know. Journaling my life.
And in 2011, I destroyed all of them on a Sunday afternoon. Ripped them all to bits. There were some problems in the house that I was living in, and it kind of triggered me.
It's a weird word, trigger, but I definitely I reacted. And destroyed every single one of them. And now it'd be lovely, because I didn't know I was going to be doing these kinds of recordings.
Imagine how cool it would be to be able to just go back and say, OK, let's look back at 1993. What was going on in 1993? And I could go through it. It's like, ooh, I forgot about that.
I can't do that. Well, I can do that. I can think about it, I can use my brain.
But in reality, I don't, you know, don't have the pads. So, and then, I can't even explain this. So it was an event.
Not an event, what do you want to call it? I had an episode. So that was an episode, and I had another episode. But this was when I don't know if I just kind of started the medication.
Because I was re-diagnosed with bipolar again. So I was diagnosed in 2011, in December. And I took the medication, didn't like the medication.
And I decided just to ignore it. And carry on with my life. And then in 2014, I wasn't so well.
It was a 2013, 2013 summer. And then I was re-diagnosed again with bipolar. And then I was, I didn't realize it also diagnosed me with EUPD as well.
But my psychiatrist, my psychologist told me that. Was why I was having the therapy. So, I don't know if it was because I was on the medication and it had an effect on me.
But I had a bit of an episode. And I had this fantasy of destroying all my books. And at the time, I had a lot of books.
I'd already gotten rid of quite a few. But none of the hypnosis stuff. So all my hypnosis books were all intact.
And I've been building that library up since 1998. I had a lot of books on hypnosis. So, some of the books that I did get rid of would be probably some of the psychology books.
Because I'd already done my degree in counselling. So there was quite a bit of psychology involved in that. And I got rid of the philosophy books.
And it wasn't because I didn't want them. It was because there was no room. And also the books were going mouldy.
That's, blimey, that's what my trigger was actually. Yeah. Because my clothes, I remember I went into the wardrobe and my clothes were just hard and mouldy.
Like shirts that I had not worn. Because I hadn't been working for a few months. So I hadn't been wearing the shirts for work.
And I couldn't like, oh my goodness. And the books were starting to go mouldy. And the only thing I had that really meant anything was the books.
It's the only thing that's been kind of a stable, a steady thing in my life. Probably since a kid, my love of books. And I've lost my book collections numerous times.
But this time I actually I lost the plot a little bit. And I spent two full days ripping the books up. Now that goes against what I would do.
I'm a book lover. And that was a there's books I'm never going to get again. That were in that collection.
I had a really good hypnosis collection. That I'd collected for, I mean I used to spend my money when I was doing insurance. I used to go to London and spend a couple of hundred pounds a month.
Just on books. Come back some of them were like 30, 40, 50 quid each. This is in the early 2000s.
And a lot of them are out of print now. I spent two days. And you know what? I enjoyed every moment of it.
I was listening to music and I was destroying the books, putting them into black bags. And I absolutely loved it. That was the weird thing about it.
And then afterwards why did I do that? It was a bit strange. So when I moved in which was 2015 April I had if I'm correct I think I had one book or maybe two books. The books I didn't destroy were my Buddhist books.
I think I had one, maybe two Buddhist books. Everything else was gone. So when I moved in here it was like, okay what do I do now? I'm living in a place that isn't damp.
There's no mould. Although the walls do look a bit mouldy but it's just because it's just faeces. That's so grim.
It's the what's it? You know, the soundproofing that was on the wall had taken it off and it's left all these black marks but it's definitely not mould. I did not have mould in my home. That's the one thing I'm never going to go through again, not doing that.
And I thought, should I get books? Should I start my book collection? And I didn't know. I kind of couldn't really decide. Even when I got my benefits paid and I was in I had to wait about seven months before I got paid so I got backdated.
Even then I did buy some books but on Kindle I just wasn't going to buy no physical books anymore because at least for a Kindle book you can't really destroy it. Even if you destroy the Kindle, the Kindle book still exists. So when I moved here I thought err I don't know how long I was here for until I decided okay, I will.
I'll get one book one book a week not expensive books, just £10 a book or maybe not a week, when I got paid I'll buy one book on Amazon and get it delivered.
And I did this for a few months didn't even open them I just left them in the packaging and stuck them in the cupboard I had a list of books and ticked them off because I thought let's start my library again I think I was kind of I think maybe in my mind I had this idea that I was going to have every wall adorned with books in this flat hasn't quite worked out that way although I do have three book cases but I don't know how many I've only got one,
let's see if I can count them 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 11,12,13,14,15,16 21,22 23,24,29,26 27,28,29,30 36,29,12 1,2,3,4 5,6,7,8,9,10 so let's say 30 in a row 36,29,12,15,17,18 so it's probably I don't know, just under 300 books probably that's over the last 10 years so it's not exactly a lot of books but a lot of them are hypnosis books so I'm wondering maybe I do have, no I don't I don't have as many as I used to have I didn't just have books, I had CDs, I had audio tapes, I had courses,
I had all kinds of stuff in my hypnosis collection and if you want to see actually there is a video let's have a look YouTube, there is an old video, I'll put this on mute so you don't hear it there's a video of me sitting in front of my my book collection so if I go to content playlists it's the old stuff, old old, old, old let's go next very old old so old Jason Chats Vlogs really old videos, should be here, really old mine is 219 so I don't know,
hopefully I should be able to find it some of these are from blimey a long time ago, 2000 and that one there is from 2007 oh ok, so if you go to the really old videos which is the playlist on my YouTube channel they've got hardly any views, there's just so many people don't even know they're on there that's the reason they've got no views no there's one called Archive Hypnosis for Chronic Pain Relief so I click on this, it's on mute so you can't hear it and below behind me is some bookcases with,
you can't really see the books you can see the books but apart from the lighting is really bad but I can't really make out what the books are let's see if there's another one where it's a bit clearer so I did one of the first ones I did was a black and white a black and white one which had my book, ooh oh, no that's not me, that is me but okay wow, the first one this is one of the first ones I ever did okay black and white right,
you can kind of make out some of the hypnosis books in the background wow so I think I had one, two, three four, four bookcases I think and I had the table or the desk in front of the bookcases and so I'm filming myself with a webcam, it's on black and white setting and the, I've got a sponge, the kind of thing that you clean a car with but it's still in the plastic I don't know how I've got such a thing, I'm not sure and then attached to that is a piece of card that I've put,
and I think it looks like I've done it in crayon www.jasonnewland.com and this was from the 25th of April 2007 wow and yeah, I do look younger and I should do, shouldn't I really it's over four years ago 2007 so what was I then?
I was 36 36 years old and now 54 wow I had hair, I've still got hair but I didn't have glasses I used to wear glasses for reading but I didn't wear glasses any other time I look a bit like Elvis really yeah while he was still alive, yeah thanks Elvis, I think I look a bit ok, I don't look nothing like him but it's not a bad picture really I definitely weighed less that's 100% quite a bit less good stone probably two stone less than what I do now but but I was happy I don't know I've got no idea it's such a long time ago,
I can't really remember it's a weird one they were really good they were good old what if they came with their own these bookcases, because they're very deep like the bookcases here, they're pretty shallow you know, the one that's there better quality very well put together very unlikely that I put them together if they're still standing I mean I had 1, 2, 3 4, 5, I think I had 6 6 bookcases to start with when I first, I got them in about April time,
no not April I got them probably it was the next year either the next year or the year after, I don't know it was a year or two years after moving in I got, I can find out exactly when it was ok I can find out exactly it was the 19th of May 2016 and oh no right, around that time May 2016 I got them delivered and me and my friend put them up or put them together my friend downstairs he,
we were watching EastEnders was on he didn't watch EastEnders and it was quite a big quite a big episode so yeah 2016 15 so where did the books go then for the first year where did I put my books, because I didn't have a bookcase or did I oh I had a little bookcase yeah I did I had a little bookcase but I really need a big bookcase though I'd like to,
I quite like the idea of having a bookcase all along the wall but then there's the problem of how do I get to the books at the top unless you get one those right well they're very expensive I imagine but can't you get ones that rotate so you can actually move the ones at the top down to the bottom I imagine they are thousands of pounds so that won't be happening and I don't fancy climbing up a ladder no no it's not even about reading the books it's just that's the
only thing really really it's the only thing that I've ever collected I'm not really a collector generally but with books yeah I collect books you may also think perhaps you might be right, I collect podcast episodes because I've got so many isn't this ridiculous isn't it so many so many thousands thing is I don't really class them as podcast episodes I think of them all as a stand alone recording really especially the hypnosis stuff it's just they're not on CDs if they were on CDs then they wouldn't be classed as
podcast episodes they'd be classed as a hypnosis recording I wonder if podcasts something would change it would become something else what do you reckon with all the new AI that's coming out and I do look at it and I think how is that going to affect what I do going forward because I do use the AI to help me with certain things in my life if I need I use chat GPT which is part of AI,
open AI and I use that every day and it's really good for finding out information it's good for working something out it's just like an assistant really it's just helpful I think if I'd have had that available throughout my life my life would have been a lot different because I just need a little help, I think everyone needs a helping hand sometimes and it gives me a little helping hand if I don't understand something or how to do something it shows me I'm trying to think of an example so turning
a photograph into a PDF didn't know how to do it and when I was going through the financial stuff trying to get that sorted out I had to keep sending all these forms and they wanted me to send ideally send PDF forms so I went on to chatgpt, asked them and they went through the whole thing with me in fact they even, if I do if I'm correct I think they can even convert it to a PDF themselves so if I upload what can I do a folder image photograph photograph
there's got to be a photograph where is it ok so so I'll upload that file is too large oh stop it that's weird thought it was quite a small file ok if I do that so convert to PDF convert to PDF will it do it it's analysing it now come on come on the image has successfully been converted to PDF file I can download it now let's have a look let's open it up yep so I can send that as a PDF file and it's just really really useful just little
things like that that for someone for me can take hours of my time and a lot of frustration a lot of tantrums I'm not painting a good picture of myself am I is anyone out there looking for a boyfriend get in contact I could point you in some direction I'm sure I know someone that's single I wonder this is I'm wondering maybe is it weird to maybe want to go off to thinking of maybe having a being in a romantic relationship because to me it doesn't sound weird because billions of
people are in relationships around the world so it's not like an unusual thing and I don't think there's anything weird about wanting to meet someone nice but it seems to be a weird thing to say out loud it's almost like it's a little bit taboo to really especially maybe if you're well like me older than older than the average older than the average donkey and older than the moon I just like is it weird?
maybe I would like to meet someone maybe sometimes I really would sometimes I'm not so bored but yeah I don't know I just at the same time I just you know how do you go about it though?
because I don't meet anyone really I don't really see anyone and the only time one of the only times I can really be myself is when I'm talking on here because there's no there's no embarrassment there's no judgment I mean there might be judgment coming at me from the audience some people might be judging me I don't know but I don't really feel it when I'm making a recording I just talk about personal things and I don't try and go into too much detail and I try and keep it light
even when I'm talking about serious stuff I still try and keep it light but you know I do I am fairly honest more honest than I used to be more open than I used to be I mean I didn't used to be open at all when I was younger through fear I suppose of being judged or being vulnerable yeah just hearing noises in the background what is that?
what is that? and I just in some ways this maybe this is the best version of me up till now in some ways it might be the worst version of me it's kind of a weird one it's hard to tell yeah I'm just trying to think if I look back at some of the things that I kind of you know regret I think it's normal to have some regrets and some of the main ones is when it comes to romance or romantic situations there's a few people that I wish I'd put a bit
more effort in or in one two three cases put at least some effort in when this is three different people that liked me told me they liked me and I didn't respond, didn't do anything I kind of just backed off so I mean some people it's an old cliche no one regrets what they did it's regret what they didn't do I think that's not true I think you can regret both you can also be pleased with both there's loads of things I did that I'm pleased about loads of things I
didn't do that I'm pleased about and vice versa things that I didn't do that perhaps I wish I had things that I I've confused myself now yeah you know what I mean things that I didn't do that I'm not so pleased about, some things that I didn't do that I am pleased about both sides yeah I only partly understood what I said isn't that bad I knew what I was trying to express but I'm not certain I accomplished it not fully I suppose one of the problems is because I live a solitary life,
I don't really see anyone it's hard to and I can't rely on my model model good looks anymore you know I'm no longer beautiful, I'm just I'm just like pretty now, you know I'm exceptionally pretty but I'm not I'm not the beauty that I once was I've said stuff like this in the past I remember someone commenting oh you really up yourself innit you really think something a lot of yourself like how good looking you are like really I think it's very funny how I noticed this on YouTube it's almost
like you've got people watching a video and they're watching a completely different video to me and they post a comment and they don't they're just seeing something different something different in their brain is happening and the same is like lots of different things lots of different people are seeing that same video differently so some people comment some people comment something I would think you know, occasionally I watch a video on YouTube and I think I think something and I see if anyone else has posted that on there occasionally they have
or something similar just pointed out something like did you not notice she has four legs as an example and someone might post that but someone else might post it's like so a completely different thing which I didn't even notice and coming from such a different perspective and it's it's something I'm never going to understand I'm never going to understand it and I just have to accept that it's something I don't understand humans and like okay I could do I've been studying psychology for decades not like fully or full on but
you know I've been I mean it's something I've been interested in for a long time mainly to kind of try and figure out other people and how can I how can I get on with them how can I find a way to relate to humans and I haven't found a way yet the only people that I can get on with is people that just accept me for my weirdness and people that know that anyone knows me actually knows me knows that I'm not out to hurt anybody I'm not out to
upset anybody it might sound I might come out with stuff that might be thoughtless sometimes and that's one of the issues I've had my whole life since I was a little kid but I'm not out to do anything all I want to do is help people that's the only thing I enjoy doing is helping people not because I'm a wonderful person or because I want to go to heaven or because I want an award or because I want people to like me although having people like me is not the worst
thing in the world it's just the only thing that gives me any pleasure really although I do like watching TV and comedy shows so I get a pleasure from that as well I used to get a lot of pleasure from eating chocolate and drinking coke but I can't do that anymore I used to love reading books I think the problem now with books is I listen to audiobooks now on Audible so I get through a few books a week probably two or three books a couple of books a week I'll
re-listen to others that I've listened to before but I probably yeah I'll probably get a new book every week but I'll also re-listen to old books and there's so many distractions so many things that I can do just in a sense of streaming ever since streaming came in that was the it was a definite battle for time because until streaming occurred and I thought about years ago, this is like decades ago that what we should have is just get rid of television just have everything I was thinking the way television
used to be and this is during Sky so this was a possible thing to do but no one did it and I thought let everyone just choose what they want to watch so have the full days stuff from one minute past midnight until midnight 24 hours and just choose what you want to watch so if you want to watch something that isn't on until 9 o'clock but you want to watch it at 2 o'clock in the morning before you can watch it just watch what you want when you want maybe do it by the day or do it by the week or do it by the month,
just watch what you want but that never happened technically it's kind of happening now with playback or with catch up but those catch up channels apart from BBC so so full of adverts like ITV X ITV X you can join it monthly I don't forget how much it is you can become a member and have it ad free apart from on live TV but the quality of the app isn't great with my broadband it just doesn't seem to stream very well I imagine it's a very popular app so maybe that's
why but Netflix seems to be ok if you watch it without paying for it the amount of adverts is ridiculous I remember I think it was like 10 adverts about 20 minutes of adverts before the show even started I'm exaggerating for effect but it's like what and not only that is they tell you how long the advert is going to be so it's another 34 seconds and if you are good it'll come and then there's another 27 seconds and there's another 43 seconds,
like come on to the point where I just didn't care anymore I was trying to watch Big Brother and Catch Up and I just not watching Big Brother with Catch Up but on Catch Up TV in the end I just thought no no I can't do it anymore, I can't keep watching all those adverts and I really notice it, so I get up very early in the morning and I watch yeah I watch TV Frasier usually maybe episodes of Cheers is on TV and I generally just watch a bit of TV because there's good stuff on in the early morning,
a few comedy shows and that and there's adverts but it's not huge amounts, maybe 3 or 4 adverts and then it moves on to the show again, it doesn't last for like 10, 15 minutes not on live TV I mean when it's broadcast live I mean it's just me moaning isn't it how did I get to this I was talking about something bookcases and I was talking about something else,
how did I get on to this subject I was talking about what I did Friday I was talking about the podcasts I actually went from talking about the podcasts to I really don't know how I got on to this subject I don't remember anything I've spoken about really I remember a few little bits but so Vinnie's with a neighbour, he's with his mummy that's the lady that used to have him he loves her he adores her he's constantly trying to get into her flat seriously he's there now,
he's been there since blimey he's been there for hours probably since 2 o'clock it's nearly 20 to 8 now he's been there 6 hours probably and he's known him since he was a baby since he was born he lived with her for about 6 months or 4 months whatever it was her family that bred him and then sold him to a lady when he was old enough to be weaned off, old enough to be sold she knew him right from then and then the lady that had him got unwell,
became unwell and she my friend looked after him, had him living with her until he bit her on the face it's not funny but she I don't know quite what happened but she wouldn't give him any chicken and he had a tantrum he's never done anything like that with me so she was worried about her grandkids which is fair enough so she had to find somewhere else for him and it was only supposed to be a temporary thing anyway, until they found somewhere else and then he ended up with me,
which was blimey 2 years ago now and I didn't really know her, didn't know her before didn't really have much to do with her until the end of November last year and we both helped each other out through a period of time and Finny is so in love with her he's completely he's besotted with her, he's different with her than he is with me it's very strange it's a bit upsetting actually to be fair he prefers it I think he prefers it with her but she tells me that how he is when I'm there with her,
is not how he is when I'm not there sometimes he'll sit at the door waiting for me or he'll just go to sleep he just gets excited, when we're both together he gets really excited running between us climbing all over me play fighting, then he goes back to her and he's not like that when he's with just one of us it's kind of strange but the problem is, it's part of me thinking maybe I should just maybe he should go and live with her maybe that's what the right thing to do is because if he loves her she loves him,
she probably needs him and but what about me and how is that going to affect him, yeah he loves her but what's it going to do to him to suddenly if I was not around anymore you know not that this is even on the cards I'm just thinking of him what does he need because that's more important than what I need so maybe he's getting his needs met at the moment but I don't know I was hoping that I'd give him some stability because this is the longest he's ever lived
with anyone he was 10 months when he moved in with me I've had him just over 2 years now so this is the longest he's ever been with one person but there's something whenever he's with her I just wonder is that causing him distress leaving her mind you sometimes he just walks out he's on the leave he just leaves doesn't even look back other times he just doesn't want to leave it just depends on his mood if he's been in there for a while he doesn't seem too bothered but if
I only go there for like 20 minutes and I come to walk out he just doesn't want to leave but after a few hours he seems quite happy to get out and come home so I don't know it's a weird one it's not a decision I need to make right now it's not a decision I'm probably ever going to make he lives here with me but it was about it's not about me wanting to get rid of him because clearly I don't and if I did I would but I don't
and I miss him so much and we were with each other so much at the time and you know what he he did sleep at hers about 4 months ago and it was the worst night for me I just hated it I hated being in bed on my own without him really strange I just didn't feel right I just like having him in the room with me I don't mind not having him in the flat for a few hours because he's not here now it means I can do the recording
without him barking and that it's a nice little break I've had a relaxing afternoon I know that he's having fun she called me a couple of hours ago to tell me what they've been up to so he's having the time of his life he's just playing around and he's having fun he's enjoying himself but you know this is his home and I think a degree of stability is I think is probably healthy for him after you know really you think a dog their first home is where they were born and they go to another place and they don't want to leave they want to stay where they've been living for 3 months or 2 months or however long it is don't they?
they don't want to be moving on so then he's moved on after I don't know is it 6 weeks when they're ready to leave he went and lived with another person fell in love with her absolutely adored her as any puppy would and she adored him then she couldn't keep him so that couldn't have lasted for long if he was 10 months old when I got him it couldn't have been long with her couldn't have been with her for more than a couple of months 3, 6 maybe 3 months maybe yeah then he lived with my friend, the neighbour so that's 3 different homes he lived in before he lived with me so of course he's going to be confused isn't he?
I'm sure at the time he was very muddled like where do I live? where's my home? and I think now he knows that this is his home when he visits her that's his playtime that's his holiday home kind of where he can go and he loves going there but this is his yeah this is his place this is his environment his domain whatever what's the right thing?
his what's the right word? territory, yes it's his territory just this little space so I think he's it would be nice to see how he is because this is the longest I've gone about seeing him for blimey I mean it went a bit of time on Friday but that's about 3 and a half hours and that's rare but this time it's been you know 6 hours so this is the longest time apart since the August,
near the end of August and then before that no there's never been more than a couple of hours I think offhand I don't think I've gone anywhere since I've had him I haven't been gone anywhere for more than a few hours but come next year I think I'd like to try and get out a bit more either with or without him if I take him I'm very limited to what I can do if I don't take him then well there's no limitations because I can go where I want but if he's with me there's not many places I can take him in and I'm not really going to,
I don't really want to travel to town to just wander around the streets so we'll see we'll see what happens yeah see what happens right looking at what time it is it's 10 to 8 so what I'm going to do I'm going to go I'm going to go thank you for listening and remember to be kind to yourself be gentle with yourself because you do deserve to be happy lots of love bye
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.