(no music) The Black Bird | Let me bore you to sleep #1303 | Jason Newland | 13th March 2025

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland. Vinnie's in the background going meow, meow, meow. I keep trying to explain to him that he's not a cat.

Oh well, he's the size of a cat. Quite a large cat but he's still the size of a cat. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Before I start the recording, it's not started yet, two things I want to say is first of all read out a couple of messages. Michelle posted a message on my Jason Newland's boring group on Facebook.

You asked yesterday in your bored me to sleep if we could comment on some things. I'm female. Okay, I won't read it all out.

It's realized it's private groups you shouldn't. You can read it if go to the Jason Newland's boring group and join. But thank you.

Thank you for your your post, your your what you said. And just said I listened to your listen via the website. So that's nice.

Because my website is actually my podcast. So you can listen and you can download you can stream all the latest episodes. You can search for recordings as well.

Yeah, or if I'm talking too fast, you can slow it down or if I'm talking too slowly, you can fast up fast up. And then this can kind of coincide with what I just said Martha posted and asking me if I could do a recording where I talk really slowly. And because I did do some early recordings like a while back, where I talked very slowly.

So that's kind of what I'm going to do today. I realize I've not started that way. But that's what I'm going to be doing.

In this recording. And I thought it would be nice to do a little bit of a mixture, a little bit of a mishmash, as it were. And this is just an idea that maybe I could do a body scan to start the recording to kind of get us grounded to get in touch with how you feel.

Before I start talking about whatever I end up talking about. So I invite you, of course, you can just ignore it. Which would be possibly a bit strange considering you chosen to listen, I suppose.

Vinnie is being very fidgety for some reason. I don't quite know why. So I'm going to close my eyes.

And I thought we could do a body scan together. Now, I understand if you're not able to do this, because maybe you're well, I guess, if you're sitting on a train or of course, you shouldn't be listening to this if you need your eyes anyway. But you might not want to close your eyes.

But you can still, well, you may still be able to focus on the different parts of your body. And I like to start with the top of my head. Because that's the highest point.

I could start from the ceiling, but I don't have any nerve endings there. So another thing that I quite like to do is I'm trying to explain this in a way that makes sense. There are certain parts of my body that I can really easily focus on.

Like my eyes, my shoulders, my hands, my feet, my neck. But sometimes I find a little bit of movement helps me get in touch with that particular part of my body. So for example, with my forehead, I can get in touch with my forehead to a degree without any kind of stimulation.

I was going to say manual stimulation, but you know, without doing anything. Sometimes it's just, there's almost a sense of the air, even in a completely static room with no airflow as such. Sometimes it feels as if there's a really slow, slight breeze on my face.

Plus, another way that I can focus on all the noise that Finny's making. He's decided to chase a, the plastic lid of something. I was wondering what he was doing last night because I gave him a bit of carrot.

That's it Vinnie, nice and quiet, flappy ears. I gave him a bit of carrot, raw carrot. I don't know why that makes any difference to the story.

I think he's just bored. He wants to do something, but we've already been out. It was cold out there today.

I could feel it on my ears. That's my little, my little sensor. If I can feel it on my ears, that's when I know it's definitely cold.

Not just cold, but cold. I didn't, didn't take any gloves out with me today and I needed gloves because they help to keep my hands warm. Quite handy like that.

So for me, sometimes what I'll do in order to get in touch with my forehead, there's two things I might do, or three actually. One, or four, in fact, there's going to be nine in a minute. One is just by mentioning the word forehead.

By, you know, visualizing my forehead, there's a sense of that feeling in my forehead. But if that's not enough, sometimes I'll just touch my forehead, just gently, so I can get more of a sense of how it feels in this moment. Another way to get in touch with my forehead is by raising my eyebrows because that crinkles up my forehead and that's when you can see all the laughter lines in my eyes.

So it can be like a mixture of pushing the eyebrows up. Not, not with your hands, but just, you know, raising your eyebrows if you can. Feeling that stretch of your eyes as well as the crinkling of your forehead.

And then you can frown, pushing your eyebrows down, which then stretches your forehead as well. It can also have an effect on the sides of your head, on the temple area, your hairline. Let's see if you've got a hairline.

I used to have a hairline. I used to have hair. I don't so much have a hairline, I have a hair, a couple of hair dots, a lot of gaps.

I don't know why Vinnie has to lick himself when I do these recordings. I really don't know what it is about. Did you think he's an exhibitionist? It's the old-fashioned answer.

I said, why do you keep doing that? He said, because I can. It's not an answer. He's just rude.

But I also know that he's listening. He's always listening. I don't know what he's listening for.

You know, whenever I try and do a recording where I need the background to be really quiet. I mean, this could actually be one of those recordings, but guaranteed he'll make the most noise of any recording. I mean, the other day he started playing the drums.

I'm like, where did he even get a drum kit from? I don't know. Pretty good, pretty good drummer, actually. And I didn't appreciate it at the time.

But, you know, once he got signed up for a band and the royalty checks started coming in, I came around. I thought, okay, this is pretty good. Still a little bit annoying when I'm trying to do a recording, but he spends a fair bit amount of time in a recording studio now himself, so I think that time apart has strengthened our relationship.

Although he does have a tendency of just staring at me sometimes. I don't know if he's, because he's staring at his bumhole. And I think he gets fed up of looking at it.

So he looks at me and he realizes that he'd rather look at his bumhole, which is a bit rude. That's what he's doing now. I mean, it's like he's waiting to see a magic trick.

He's very patient, actually, sometimes. Not so much with me, sometimes. And I think once I started focusing on my forehead and that area, temple, and there's quite a few ways to stretch or to activate that part of your face, or if you want to class it as your head, where the temple is.

I mean, one obvious one would be just to actually touch your temple, just gently stretching the skin, maybe gently massaging your temple, area, but gently. And when you do pull the skin a little bit, you can see, or you can feel the stretch and how it's connected to your eyes. I just heard the loudest bird in the world just now in the garden.

It was really loud, like as loud as at least, probably, I'd say six birds all at the same time. Unless it was six birds all at the same time. Perhaps it's a choir.

They've got together a choir and they're practicing. But what would they be practicing for? What would they be rehearsing for? I don't know. That's the one thing about birds.

They're not always, I don't know. I'm not sure they're very good team players. You know, I'm pretty sure if you put a football on a football pitch and you put a bird on it, however many players there are, but had a bird for each player instead of a player on both sides of the football pitch or rugby pitch or baseball pitch, whatever, I'm pretty certain they wouldn't work as a team.

They'd just all be focusing on their own individual thing, just digging for worms. I don't think they'd even care about the ball. Not team players.

They're not big, not big on rules. Don't like to follow instructions. I mean, there's one crow out there just keeps singing, I want to be free.

I want to be free. I was like, well, you are free really, aren't you? You're in a tree and you are literally free as a bird. And he said, yeah, it's true.

But I can't do everything I want to do. I said, like what? What kind of things do you want to do? He said, I've always liked the idea of playing the piano. I said, but you're a bird.

He said, yeah, that's established. I mean, I figured you knew that. I said, of course, I knew.

I've just told you. He said, you think that I don't know that I'm a bird? I said, I'm not sure, to be honest with you. You don't really act like a bird.

In what way don't I act like a bird? Well, to start with, you live underground, in a burrow. He said, yeah, what else? I said, you only eat cornflakes. That's your only meal you ever eat, is cornflakes in a bowl full of milk.

Most birds don't do that. And he said something that actually really made me think. He said, how do you know? And I realized that I don't know, do I really? Can't know what every bird does.

How can I ever really be aware? Because there's only so much time in a day to be digging around for birds, to find how many live underground. And he said, besides, there's nothing weird. Birds live in all kinds of places.

I said, okay, like where? He said, well, this might make you laugh, but I know some birds. You really feel this, it might make you giggle a little bit. I said, yeah, go on, it's fine.

He said, I know some birds, personally, that live in a tree. Why would they live in a tree? I said, well, I hate to break it to you, but I think most birds live in a tree. He said, again, do you know all the birds? Are you really in a position to say most birds? I mean, how many do you really know? How many have you spoken to?

I said, well, okay, not many, but I've observed over a fair number of years of birds living in trees.

He said, okay, but you think they live there. What makes you think they live in the tree? I said, I can see them. When can you see them? I said, when I go past the tree.

He said, no, what time of the day? I said, well, daytime, obviously. He said, why obviously? I was getting a little bit wound up at this point, but I continued. I thought, okay, benefit of the doubt.

I said, well, I can't see them at night, can I? Because it's dark. He said, exactly. I said, exactly what? He said, you can't see them, can you? So how do you know that they're sleeping in the tree? I said, because I can hear them.

He said, you can't though, can you? I said, well, in the summer when it's light, they're still singing and stuff all the way up to late at night and start again early in the morning. He said, well, there's two things there. Firstly, you don't hear them when it's dark, do you? And secondly, why do you humans automatically assume that the noise we make is singing? Why do you give it the word singing?

I don't know.

It's just what I was brought up to say. So you're actually brought up to say that birds are singing. Is that all you learned? I didn't say that's all I learned.

I said, that's just how our culture is. We think, oh, the birds are singing in the trees. Yeah, but a minute ago, you thought the birds lived in trees.

But what about the nests? He said, the nests? Yeah, the nests in the trees. What are you talking about? You know, the net, the things made of twigs, that you collect the twigs and you make these. He said, oh, the toilets.

I said, what? He said, yeah, they're just toilets. They're not nests. Yeah, what about the eggs? They're just big poos.

That's why we do our poos. He said, what about the babies? Where did the babies come from? He astonished me when he answered this. He said, I've got no idea.

None of us do. Nobody knows where the babies come from. They just appear out of nowhere.

You know, all we do is we eat, sleep, poo. And then these, for some reason, just coincided when the babies appear, the poo, some of the poos are like broken in half. And it's weird.

It's almost like someone's stolen the inside of the poo and replaced it with a little baby. Okay. I've got a question for you, Mr. Bird.

He said, call me Thomas. Okay, Thomas. Didn't realize you had names.

Why wouldn't we have names? I don't know. I've not really given it much thought. Well, maybe you could start giving it a bit more thought.

Because so far you've come across as very ignorant. You didn't know that we lived underground. You didn't know that the nests, you call them nests, we call them toilets, or we call them squirters.

That's where we squirt. I said, okay. And you seem to be full of assumptions.

Because we're all singing. We're in a choir. What do you think? We're not in bands.

We're not singers. We're not humans. We're birds.

Yeah. Why do you humans always have to assume that we have human characteristics when actually we're a different species? We've got nothing to do with you. We're not you.

We're nothing like humans. I said, okay. What's so different about you? He said, well, first thing, humans don't appreciate worms.

I said, that's probably a good point. Yeah, it's a very good point. I don't think I've ever eaten a worm.

He said, I should hope not. I said, why? He said, it's not your food, is it? It's our food. You wouldn't be happy if I came and started eating all your burgers and your pizzas.

I said, look, I don't spend my life eating burgers and pizzas and milkshakes and chocolate. He said, I didn't mention chocolate or milkshakes. I said, I know, but you're kind of, you're moving in that direction, aren't you? You're really giving the impression that I have a very unhealthy diet and I just eat a load of rubbish all the time.

He said, yeah. I said, well, it's not true. He said, I think your rubbish bags give a different impression, give a different story, tell a different story.

I said, what are you doing going through my rubbish? He said, I was looking for worms. I said, why would there be worms in my rubbish bag? He said, well, there's a lot of things in there that shouldn't have been in there. I said, well, let's not focus on that right now.

He said, why was there empty condom packets when you haven't had a girlfriend for eight years? Can we just move on, please? Can we? I mean, were you doing a posh one? Shush, just shush. So, all birds live underground, do they? He said, no, not all. OK, so where do the other birds live? Well, some live in cages, but you'd know about that, wouldn't you? Slavery, slavery master, messer.

Like, no, I don't have a bird in a cage. He said, some humans do, budgies and other birds that I can't think of. I said, how can you not think of the birds? It's your species, but you can't think what the birds are.

He said, you put me on the spot. I wasn't expecting to have this conversation. I just had some Horlicks and I'm feeling a bit tired.

You know, it's my afternoon nap time and you're asking me questions about living underground and eating worms and stuff like that. Plus, you're always lying. I said, I'm not lying.

Why do you say I'm lying? He said, you literally, you said that Vinnie was playing on a drum set. You know, only 10 minutes ago you were talking about that. I said, it's not lying, it's just making stuff up.

He said, isn't that just another word for lying? I was like, it's not a word, is it? It's a sentence, but and no, because making stuff up is for fun. Lying is to manipulate someone or to get something out of somebody, you know, to coerce or to take advantage. Making stuff up is just for fun.

It's just, just to laugh. It's, it's not supposed to be taken seriously. He said, yeah, but what about those that do? Those that do what? Those that do take it seriously.

Well, I can't really help that, can I? He said, don't you care? I said, well, this is, it's not that I don't care, but I can't be held responsible for what everybody thinks. Can I really? That's not fair, is it? He said, I suppose not, but don't you care? It's like, you know, you're just repeating yourself. He said, yeah, but some people are going to believe what you say.

And, you know, I think, for example, think about it. This conversation so far, some people might believe that you've really had a conversation with a bird. And that some birds actually do live underground and, or all birds live underground and the nests are just toilets.

And the poo turns into a baby and, you know, all that stuff. And that could be confusing for someone. I said, it seems like it's confusing to you.

He said, but that's it. You can't even talk to a bird. Why are you pretending that you're having this conversation when it never existed, never happened? I mean, literally you're lying right now.

I said, no, I'm not lying. I'm just making stuff up. It's different to lying.

I still think it's lying. I said, it's not lying. There's no benefit to me to do this.

You know, I'm not getting anything for it. I'm not, you know, it's not lying. It's just, and I'm sure people can realize that it's just made up.

You know, I'd like to think that there's a difference between, you know, a little bit of creativity with words and ideas, as opposed to trying to pull the wool over someone's eyes in order to gain something for myself. He said, oh, that kind of stuff does make a little bit of sense, I suppose. I said, yeah.

And he said, can I ask you something? I said, okay. He said, at the beginning of this recording, you said you're going to be talking really slowly, but I'm not sure if you have. I said, I know, I was just thinking about that myself.

He said, don't lie. You weren't thinking about that until I mentioned it. Why do you always make out that it's your idea? Can't you accept that other people have ideas? I said, okay, I'm sorry.

I just, he said, you do that a lot. I mean, we're all individuals. Maybe just for once, just say, oh, that's a, that's a good point.

Instead of making out that you'd already thought about it yourself. Okay. Well, go on then.

What? Go on, say it. I don't want to say it. You know, I'm not going to do what you tell me to do.

I'm just going to say stuff because you want me to. Say it. No, no, don't want to.

Please. Be your best friend. All right.

That's a really good point. Amazing idea. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wish I thought of that myself. Oh, it's the most invigorating and eye-opening idea that I've ever heard in my entire life. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Now, was that so hard? Huh? I appreciate that. Yeah. And the sincerity awarded my heart.

It just made me feel so blimming good. Okay. Also, can I say something else? Yeah, I suppose so.

As you're, for some reason, questioning me. I mean, am I going to be arrested or what? I said, maybe one day. I hope not.

So, what's your question? He said, are you going to do a Q&A Friday this month or this week, rather? I said, yeah. Is that it? Is that the question? He said, yeah. So, have you got a question for Q&A Friday? Is that why? He said, yeah.

Okay. What is it? Well, I've already told you it. No, you haven't.

Yeah, I have. You haven't. You haven't told me it.

I literally just asked you the question. Oh, okay. So, you're telling me the question, your question for this Q&A Friday is, am I going to do a Q&A Friday this week? Yes.

What is the point in that? Huh? That's a bit of a gap there, wasn't it, before you said, huh? Yeah, because I was thinking of what to say. I've got a solution for that. What's that? Well, I would say to you, if instead of leaving a gap after someone's spoken and leaving a gap before you speak, just plan what you're going to say while the other person's talking.

And then you can literally talk straight away when they stop. But wouldn't that just be rude and dismissive and ignorant towards the person who's disrespectful as well? I mean, the whole point of a conversation, surely, is that when they're talking, the other person listens. And the fact that there's a gap between that person talking and then me saying what I've got to say means I've actually taken in what they've said.

I've listened while they were talking. I've comprehended what they've said. And I've given a little bit of thought towards what I'm going to say in response.

I said, or you could just think about what you're going to say while they're talking. But then I'm not going to be hearing what they're saying. He said, no, you can still hear a little bit.

That's all it is. Yeah. I'll give you an example.

You've ever been in the room with someone and you're talking to them and they're busy, maybe doing something else and you point out to them that they're not listening. And they say, yeah, I am listening. And you say, what did I say then? And they can still tell you a couple of bullet points about what you just said.

Because even though they weren't listening, they had a little bit of attention just there to pick up the very basics. Oh, it's not a bad idea. Okay.

I didn't think about that. So you're saying basically trust, trust myself to be able to remember some of the stuff the person was talking about. Yeah.

I got another question though. All right. Can you make this the last one? Because this has gone on for a long time.

He said it has. You're right. My next question is.

Did you forget about the body scan that you started to do? Yes, to be fair, I did. But that's just because I was distracted by you talking about being a bird and all the other random stuff that you probably talked about. But I wasn't listening to you because I was just focusing on what I was going to say.

So, yeah, I mean, if it's okay with you, I'd quite like to continue with the body scan. Yeah. Okay, cool.

Where did you get up to? I said, I said to do the forehead. Then I said the eyes. I said the temples.

So you didn't get very far, did you? No. I suppose. But I mean, the way I see it is by getting in touch with your eyes.

Like a prominent part of your body. The eyes are such an important part as far as, you know, when you close your eyes, there's a degree of relaxation starts and continues. And the world changes when your eyes are closed.

You know, you become dependent upon hearing and physical feelings and smell and taste and stuff like that. It's just, it feels different. We experience things differently.

And it can feel quite nice. Because by closing your eyes, that automatically relaxes your eyelids. Yeah.

And it's almost like that's a signal to the rest of your body to relax. So we're moving down to your jaw, your shoulders, your neck, your arms, your hands and your fingers, chest and stomach. The back of your neck, all the way down your back to your hips, buttocks, groin, your legs, down into your feet and toes.

You did that quite quickly. Yeah, I know. So you spent like about three hours just on the eyes and the forehead.

I mean, I can't believe you had like, seven different ways to relax your forehead. I didn't think it was ever going to end. And then you do the rest of the body in about 10 seconds.

I think it was a little bit longer than 10 seconds to be honest. I said no, no, no, I think it was 10 seconds. I counted it.

No, I think it was probably more 30 seconds to a minute. Oh, oh, says the human. Again, you're assuming that your minutes are the same as our hours.

Your days are the same as our days. Is that right? Is that what you think? Isn't it? Is it not the same? Ah, you're never gonna know. Well, I will do if you tell me.

No, I don't think you deserve to know. After all we've been through, you don't think I deserve to know? What have we been through? Well, um, you told me all about what it's like to be a bird in a tree. I mean, underground, but on the, you know, in the tree during the day, with your little toilets and the worms and parrots.

That's the one. What? Parrots. You know about the ones in the cages? Parrots.

So you're telling me it took you this long to think up the word parrots when you were trying to think of different birds and you're an actual bird yourself? Yeah. Don't you think that's a little bit sad? Just a little bit. It took you so long to think up what the bird was.

You didn't get there any quicker, did you? It's because I wasn't thinking about it. I was focusing on a body scan. Can't do focusing on a body scan and start thinking about all the different type of birds that might live in a cage.

There's not that many birds that live in cages in the West, is there? But you're assuming I'm going to focus just on the West. I'm a global person. I'm not just stuck, you know, focused just on my country.

I'm not insular like that. For me, the whole world is my home. Yeah.

So that's why you never go out, is it? That's a little bit rude, but I do go out every day. Taking Vinnie out around the park is not going out every day. I think you'll find it is going out every day.

But is it? Is it really? Yeah, it's going out. It's outside. It's not far, though, is it? It's not like you're traveling.

I didn't say I was traveling, but I do go out. See, meet a lot of people, do you? See a lot of people? No. So if you're going out regularly, surely you should be seeing lots of people.

Because there's, you know, there's at least 300 people in the world. I said, what? He said, I'm just saying you should be able to see someone with all those people in the world. 300.

Good. You know what? I can't even be bothered. You come out with some nonsense today.

And I thought it'd be nice to just chat to you. And, you know, normally I don't, don't really do interviews with birds that live underground. I thought it'd make a nice change.

Yeah, but it's not really, though, is it? What? It's not really been an interview, is it? Not really. Yeah, it has. No, it's more like some kind of weird monologue that no one ever wanted to hear.

I mean, you imagine if you went to a theatre and you, you know, you put forward this script, this idea for a play, and they said, oh, Mr. Jason, what's the play about? And you say, oh, it's, it's about a man talking to a bird and the bird explaining the misconceptions that humans have about birds. And, and that's it. You think they'd be buying that script? We'd get a television deal, what do you think?

A movie deal.

Get to work with Brad Pitt. Mind you, he'd be good at playing me. But you? I don't know.

I'm not sure. You're being very rude now. I mean, you know, I didn't mind it earlier.

But you've, I don't know, the tone's changed. I think you should relax a little bit. I am relaxed.

Yeah, but maybe tell your face. My face is fine. Besides, I don't really have much of a face, do I? I'm a bird.

Yeah, but you still have a bird. You're a bird. You still have a bird face.

It's a bit rude. It's not because you're a bird. So you have a bird face, but you still have a face.

It's not really that expressive though, is it? We've got eyes and a beak. It's, you know, it's, there's not much in the way of expressiveness, you know? I'm not saying I want to be human, but it would be nice to have a few of those things that humans have. Things? What things? Phones, mainly.

I want a phone. What would you do with a phone? You don't have any fingers. How are you going to use it? He said, that's very discriminatory.

What you're saying that people without fingers can't own a smartphone. Is that what you're saying? I said, no, that's not what I said. I think that is what you were saying.

I think that's exactly what you just said. You're against disabled people now, are you? I said, no, I am disabled. How are you disabled? Well, not physically, but I am officially disabled mentally.

That's a bit of a downer, isn't it? Why would you mention that? There's supposed to be a light hearted recording. I'll just start talking about bipolar and stuff. I'm not talking about the bipolar.

I'm just mentioning that I'm not prejudiced against people with disabilities because I happen to be one that has one of those, has a disability. It's not the same though, is it? I'm not saying it's the same. I'm just saying that I don't discriminate against people who can't use a phone because there are ways of using a phone without touching it.

How? Well, there's a setting on the phone which you can set to voice control. And I've done it. I played around with it.

And you can use it by voice. So even if you can't actually touch the phone, you can, yeah, you can use it. Voice activated.

So what if you want to go out? Yeah. How are you supposed to take it with you? I don't know. How would I know that? Well, I thought you was an expert on hand-free held smartphones.

You seem to know all about it. Oh, it's voice activated. Don't need to touch it.

You'll know it's voice activated. That's all I heard. Come on, you didn't say you did.

You just didn't hear it. I can hear myself when I talk, you know. Well, can you? Yeah.

Well, in that case, why do you say the things you say? If you can hear what you're saying, why do you continue to say it? I don't understand what you mean. Yeah, that's evident. What does that even mean? It's like a nonsensical put down.

It's like, what do you mean, evidently? I didn't say evidently. I said evidently. Yeah.

Well, I don't know why you had to express the word evidently like I didn't go. You just about did. You might as well have done.

So that's how it goes. We're going to go about what you might have done. Because then we're going into territory that can't ever make any sense.

If you're going to move into, you might as well said that because that's what it means, this and blah, blah. I don't know why you keep saying blah, blah. I don't know.

I mean, can I just get on with a body scan? Yeah, I'd like it if you would. Oh, what, are you following it? No. Why not? It's silly, isn't it? What do you mean? Well, I'm not particularly big, am I? I'm a bird.

And I'm quite chilled out bird as it is. I don't need to listen to you rabbiting on in order for me to feel relaxed. Okay, fair enough.

But the body scan can be quite handy. It's useful for getting in touch with how you feel. I'm very in touch with how I feel.

Thank you very much. I'm constantly in touch with how I feel. All the time.

Okay, fair enough. Yeah, all the time. Are all birds like you? No, I've not met all birds.

Unlike you. You seem to know all of them. No, I've not met all of them.

I said no, I've never made out I've met all the birds. It's just generalization is generalizing. It's a standard thing people do in conversations.

It's not always useful, but it's not always harmful either. You know, it's just a human trait. The people have a tendency of generalizing.

And me saying that is also a generalization. Oh, aren't we clever? So can I just get on with the rest of the body scan? Well, if I remember rightly, you've already finished it. There was nothing else to do.

Unless you're going to plan on counting down from 10 down to one. Wow. 10, nine, eight.

This is you by the way. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. That sounded nothing like me.

It was almost exactly like you. In fact, it sounded more like you than you do. That doesn't make sense.

You don't make sense. A little bit childish sometimes, aren't you? I know I am, but what are you? No, I know you are, but what am I? One of them. So that's it.

I think that's the end of this conversation. What kind of way is that to end a conversation? You can't just like suddenly say, oh, well, that's the end of this conversation. That's not the way.

Do you not know anything about communication skills? Yeah, I suppose. I know a little bit, but it just seemed like a good time to end it. But you can't just, you don't announce the end of a conversation.

You need to progress to the ending gradually and almost come to a stop, a mutually beneficial break where you can then move on with your day, both of you. Okay. You can't think of anything, can you? No, I'll be right.

We can. Um, see, you don't know how to bring it to a nice, gentle stop. Do you want me to do it for you? No.

Okay, go on then. You do it for me. You bring the conversation to an end, Mr. Bird.

I told you my name's Tommy. I thought you said Thomas. Well, I think we've known each other long enough now.

I think you can call me Tommy. Thomas is for my friends. Okay.

So go on then. Bring the conversation to an end. A nice, neat finale.

Okay. Well, it's been lovely to see you. We really should do this again soon.

Okay. So I'll speak to you soon. I'd better get on.

I've got some digging to do. Plus I do need a big poo. I think it's been one of those big ones, the hard ones.

I hope another baby doesn't turn up. Okay. You gotta say more than okay.

You're giving me all the work. Well, good luck with the poos. And you know, I'm going to be fingers crossed for your digging.

And it's been lovely conversing with you. And I'll see you soon. And that's what I'm talking about.

That was perfect. Honestly, seven out of 10, I'll give you on that one. It's not perfect then, is it? Seven out of 10 is not perfect.

10 out of 10. You know, not seven. Seven out of 10 is not perfect.

Seven out of 10 is above average. I would say seven out of 10 is good. But maybe, you know, above good.

But not perfect. How can you have below 10 and call it perfect? I don't. Okay, 10 out of 10.

You're just mocking me now. You're just, you know, I don't know where we stand anymore. You've changed.

I know. And I've also got a lot older as well. Talking to you.

You've aged me. That's rude. That's the rudest thing anyone's ever said.

I very much doubt it. Okay, so I'm gonna go. Yeah, good.

I'm going as well. Where are you going to? I told you I need a toilet. How can you hold on so well? I mean, if you needed it so badly, why are you still talking to me? Well, I'm putting it off to be honest.

Why? I just get a sense it's going to be a really big one. I don't really like the big ones. Yeah, I feel exhausted at the end of it.

Really? Yeah, last time I had to have a lay down. Did you have a cup of tea first? He said that's funny enough. I did.

How did you know that? I don't know. It just came to my head. You know, sometimes it's like you read in my mind.

I said, I hope not. And we laughed. And he went on and carried on with his life.

And I continued to the end of this recording. And it might be in the weirdest body scan I've done. Probably not.

So even though it wasn't really a body scan, it kind of was, ish, kind of. So remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love.

Bye.