(no music) #1169 Childhood Delusions - Let Me Bore You To Sleep (28th July 2024)

Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name's Jason Newland. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes and relax.

So this is, what time is it? It's about seven, seven o'clock, half seven, eight o'clock nearly I think. So it's a lot later than I normally make a recording. Recently, I've been doing them a bit more earlier.

In fact, the last couple of days I think I've even recorded and released, like edited and everything on the same day, which is unusual for me. Did I say please only listen when you can safely close your eyes? I genuinely don't remember saying it ever. It's, it's one of those, it's an automatic thing and I just don't even know if I've said it anymore.

18 years of saying it, that's why. Okay, so today is Sunday the 28th, I think, of July 2024 and it's been hot, hot, hot, hot. I tell you what's weird is whenever I do a video, because I've started doing videos again, or basically just filming myself making the podcasts, and it feels a bit strange.

It means I now have to wear clothes when I'm making a podcast, which is probably not something that people who have been listening to me for a long time, really want to hear out loud, I guess. You mean you've been naked? No, I haven't. And no, I haven't really.

For those listening on the podcast, it's fine. So the thing is, is there's two different audiences. So I've got more people listen to the podcasts than watch the videos.

Or, you know, on my YouTube channel that is. But it's a different audience. This is this, but there is a crossover.

So some people are on podcasts, do watch the videos, and some people watch the videos, do listen to the podcasts. So it's worth letting you know that this podcast, this video, rather if you're on YouTube, will be available on as a podcast, basically, all over the place. So if you're on Apple podcasts, Spotify, you name it, I'm on there.

So just search my name, Jason Newland, Let Me Bore You To Sleep, and it will come up. And there's four versions of this recording, there will be one without music, five hour, one with music, five hour, 10 hour, four different versions. I always I feel the need when I do a video to explain what this podcast is about.

But I'm not gonna do that. And it's now now I'm going to do it now. So I'm not going to do it.

It's just just me talking. Basically, that's all it is a talk for about an hour. About stuff.

Sometimes it's stuff that's going on in my life now. Sometimes it's stuff that maybe is going to be happening tomorrow or the next day. Sometimes it's about stuff that's happened in the past.

Sometimes it's just made up. I think there's a fly in the background. Is it me? Or are there less butterflies around these days? I started to notice that I've not seen many butterflies when I saw a butterfly.

So wait a minute, I haven't seen that many butterflies as late. That's it Vinnie. He's under the desk.

Don't you mean table? No, it's actually a desk. It's a proper desk. Not a wooden desk.

It's, to be fair, it's a gamer's desk. Had this a few years now. But it's metal, proper heavy.

And I decided to... It's very dusty, actually. Not as dusty as my exercise bike. That's the dustiest thing I've ever had that isn't connected to my body.

I don't know what that means. I'm not sure. So I was thinking, and I posted a thing today on, I'm sweating, on Facebook, on my Facebook group.

So it's Jason Newland's Boring Group. I'm also on YouTube. Just search my name.

That's for podcast listeners and yeah, there'll be... Yeah, on my Facebook, I forgot what I was talking about, my Facebook group, Jason Newland's Boring Group. I posted a comment saying, would you be interested in me doing a live Q&A Friday? Back every Friday? And when would be the ideal time? So I've had a few responses. So I want to like, just like to say thank you to everyone for your responses.

I'll do a little reply another time. But I thought I'd leave it a day or so just see what what comes up. Well, it's pretty much, I mean, I've been through this before.

It's not a new situation. I've thought about this before when, you know, when can I do a live broadcast where I can talk, I can reach everyone. There's no time.

There's no good time because of the, if I was just in one country, or if I was only broadcasting to just one country, then it'd be easy. But because I've got my audiences all dotted around the world. And I've got six people that listen to me regularly.

I'm pretty pleased about that. But they're in different countries. So my six audience members, and I'm pleased because it's taken me 18 years to get six, six listeners to my podcast.

So I'm pretty pleased with that. You might think, oh, it's only six. It'd be Yeah, I agree.

It'd be better if it was seven. It'd be more impressive. It was nine.

It'd be that put me at the top of the chain, probably I'd be one of the most popular podcasters in the world. And this is sarcasm, humour, by the way, just in case anyone's like thinking, literally, six isn't a lot. I have to put a comment now.

Six, you really think that six people is a lot in 18 years? I think you're wrong. I think it should be a lot more. Even nine wouldn't be that much.

At the moment, Facebook is getting a little bit silly. There's a lot of infighting at the moment. A lot of statements.

So tell you what I struggle with face. Shall we show? Okay, wait a minute. Let's see if I can get it.

Oh, my hair, my hair's loose. And look at on my other phone. This is my old phone, but it's still connected to the internet.

And there's a couple of apps that I can only open on this phone because I've forgotten the passwords. So I use this, you know, when I want to do other certain things. Sounded a bit cryptic, didn't it? Certain things, ordering my prescription, to be honest, that's pretty much the only thing I have to go on to there.

So okay, I've got enough credit, enough credit, enough juice. So let's go into Facebook. This is what I mean, right? This is what I mean by Facebook posts.

One of the things I find difficult is not spiritual people, or people that call themselves spiritual. I just find some of the things that they post very difficult because sometimes when they're talking, it just looks to me like word salad. It's it's like, and you get this from source and source goes to the plane of reality, but then moves into unreality.

And you dream the different color, and then the spiral for the metres come down and start tickling your toes. And like, what? And your brain becomes like a, like a Veruca on the foot of a whale. I just I struggle with it.

And I've even looked into it just out of interest. Just like, what was it? What does it mean? Because I'm not, I'm not completely I'm no more, I'm no more way around like religion, and some religions. So Christianity, Catholicism, I used to be kind of Catholic when I was little, for a while.

I love Christianity for a while as well. I still kind of do to be honest, I still, regardless of what I say, I still it, I can't really think of a better person than Jesus. And I'm not being religious, just like as a person, like that ideal person.

It just seemed lovely. Then I became a Buddhist. And I got really into Buddhism, like proper into it for a long time.

So I've been around people that have been really spiritual. I've never been particularly spiritual. And that used to get on people's nerves, more than my hairstyle.

Or my need, my need to walk around in a bikini over my clothes. That this, I think, because I wasn't all airy. Oh, just, I was more grounded, I guess.

Because I wasn't. For me, Buddhism, that's not good. It's my impression of a Buddhist.

No, I'm not saying that I'm not making fun of people. I'm not, I'm just, it's kind of, for me, I'm just trying to be a decent person. And some could argue, well, you're either decent or you're not.

Okay, yes, that is an argument. But I was trying to become a better person. Does that make sense? I was trying to get in touch with kindness and generosity and and not be so tough.

I don't mean physically aggressive, just, I think living in London created quite a hard shell. For those 12 years I was there, it's sort of, you know, don't look at anyone, you don't really talk to anyone necessarily, unless you know them. Don't talk to anyone on a bus or look at anyone on a tube station or a tube, like underground train.

And now I stare at everyone, it's brilliant. I don't know, I'm not sure what it was, it's, I managed to soften, managed to soften a bit. I don't mean just because I'm old and I don't mean in that way, soften.

But my belly's definitely softened. But at the same time, for me, it was never about being enlightened, about being some perfect human being. I remember a Buddhist, ordained Buddhist saying to me, I remember I said, I don't want to be perfect.

Well, you should want to be perfect. I'd like to be the best that I can be the best version of myself, maybe. But without losing track or losing touch with reality, because, you know, due to my having bipolar and stuff, I can kind of, I've lost touch with reality a few times.

And I didn't like it. So I'd like to kind of keep in touch with that side of, you know, grounded. I like to think of it as grounded, and not be too.

I'm making fun of myself really, because I used to be a little bit like that. For a while. I used to just, I went through a stage when I was a school when I was a Christian.

Self, you know, no, I wasn't forced to do it. I was forced to be a Catholic for a while. But I was living with Catholic nuns.

So you've got no choice in that situation. When I was a kid, for a little while, couple of years or whatever. And when I was about probably 12, 11, maybe 12, something like that, I got a Gideon's Bible.

Maybe I was 11. I got Gideon's Bible from school. The Gideon, Gideon came in and he handed Bibles out to everyone.

I don't know how he manages to get everywhere, because they're everywhere, hotels, everything. He gets around that Gideon. So it's a little red Bible.

In fact, stay there. Oh, there it is. Now this isn't the original one.

Because what is it isn't, I'm not sure when this one was written. It's exactly the same. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's everything's the same.

But this is, I bought this one a few years back. So I'd walk around with this, bearing in mind, I have much smaller hands. So I used to have to hold this in both hands.

And like, like, hold on to it, because it was so heavy. And I used to read it. And the more I read it, the more it seemed to change me.

Thinking about it, considering I've always had my whole life as far as I remember, always had a bit of a mental, mental health stuff going on. And it's just no one else was really aware of it. I was aware of.

I wasn't aware of why. And I wasn't really trying to explain this. I had extreme moods when I was a kid.

But really extreme moods. And I, I'd go through periods when I was just really down, really quiet, really didn't do anything. And then other times when I was more, you know, just super switched on.

So this is probably one of my more lower times more lower, but perhaps a bit more in touch with how I was feeling perhaps. And my dad, I was living with my dad by then. And he had to go into hospital to have a really serious, I'm not going into details, but serious, really serious surgery.

He got through it and he's still still around today. And he's, I think about 132 now. But I, unfortunately, a member of my family told me that he might not survive the operation.

Shouldn't have told me that. Why would you tell a kid that? But they told me that. So I was at school while he was in having his operation done.

And it was a proper, like, long, long 12 hour operation or something like that. And this is back in 1932. There's a long time ago, when I was about 11 or 12.

And I look good. Thanks. See, you were thinking, oh, you look so old.

But now you realize that I'm like 90 odd. I don't look quite so old, do I? No, thanks. So I used to, on the build up to that, I started reading this like really, really reading the Bible, the New Testament.

I already had a an Old Testament at home. I struggled a little bit with it. You know, the whole beginning is like that goes on forever.

It's such a long beginning. And it's like, was it Hebeget, Hebeget, Hebeget, Hebeget, Hebeget, Hebeget, Hebeget? Or something I can't remember. Was it Genesis? Genesis was the first one.

And then Revelations was the last one, wasn't it? I think the last chapter of that book. The only thing that I found interesting was Jesus. So this isn't a story, this isn't going to be a religious thing.

When I was told, I was already worried about my dad and I was a proper worrier. Like, I didn't even know when I was worrying sometimes because I wasn't, I was kind of semi in tune with how I was feeling. Sometimes I kind of knew why I felt the way I did.

But I was a kid and it was very confusing. And also it was kind of, it wasn't always easy to have the space to think things through because I had three brothers and two parents and it's like everyone was like always on doing stuff and I didn't get the space that I needed. I've always needed space.

This is the, in some ways, the best time of my life because I've had some space. I've got space now for the first time, really, where I'm not really bothered by anyone, generally, and I've got time to think and time to, you know, process things about someone, you know, demanding my time or something else. So, yeah.

So I went through this period when I was really reading this book. I read it cover to cover a few times. I kept reading through it.

It's pretty much the same story just told by different people, isn't it? So, loved it. Didn't like Corinthians though. No, I don't know.

I can't remember. It's a long time ago. But I started to, this is totally true, I started to believe I was Jesus.

It's true, I did. I started to believe, went through a period when I actually thought I was Jesus. I was the resurrected Son of God.

That's what I did believe for a while. Now, I didn't tell anybody. So I thought I'd just tell everyone now.

So now you know. And yeah, I did. It was very weird.

And there's one point, I don't know what it was. It was a particular moment in class where I think I dropped some money on the floor. And some of the kids were running, my friends or classmates, running to get the money out off the floor and run off with it.

And I just let them. Which isn't something that I ever would have done previous to that. But I was in that kind of, in my mind, a higher state, where I had no, didn't care about money, didn't care about belongings.

That was probably my lunch money. So I probably should have cared about it. But I didn't care.

I didn't want, nothing matters anymore. And it was weird, really weird, that like a little child, because you say, well, I was 12. You're not a little child when you're 11 or 12.

I was, I was, I was still a little kid, really. And I went through puberty about five years ago. So I just remember that time, and I was praying for my dad and he, you know, he got through it and everything.

So that was good. But I never told anyone, never told anyone that I, what I'd gone through, the worry and all that stuff. And I don't know why I mention it now.

But it worried me a little bit because I took on a little, I got a little bit too involved in the whole thing. I mean, previous to that, I used to think I could control the weather and that I could, I could even, oh blimey, even when I was 15, 16. I remember, I was probably 15, 14, 15, something like that.

Not long before, I might have even left school at this point. Probably, maybe still at school, but near the end of school. And I was in Boots Cabist with my stepmom.

She was getting, blimey, I even remember where the prescriptions was. How weird is that? So she was on the right hand side buying something or it might have been perfume. I think it was prescriptions.

I can't remember. Anyway, it was on the right hand side. If you go in, if you, this is going to mean nothing to you because you've got no idea where I'm talking about, but there's a Tesco's on the corner on the left hand side.

The Boots was on the right hand side on the corner. Opposite Boots was the chip shop that I used to work at. And I was in there and there was this, I don't know if my, I think my stepmom was talking to a lady who had a kid.

She might have had my little brother with her, but there was this little kid in a pram, like in a buggy, but it was a baby, you know, couldn't speak or anything. And I really believed that I could communicate telepathically with this kid, this little baby, just like, hello, you all right? And all that stuff. And I was really happy and I said, now dribble.

And he dribbled. I do a snot bubble, do the snot bubble. Now I have a tantrum.

He had a tantrum. To be fair, I had to take his lollipop away, but he did have a tantrum. And I've actually thought that I had telepathic powers, that I could do that, even at 14, 15.

That is strange. There was this other thing that in junior school, I used to believe that I could become invisible. I always wanted to be able to become invisible.

I think that's the standard thing for kids sometimes. But I actually thought I could become invisible so no one could see me. Well, you know what invisible is, JJ? Okay.

Well, that's what I wanted to become invisible. I also thought I could walk through walls. Now, there was this big wall in junior school, huge wall just stood on its own.

It wasn't a building, it was just a wall. Maybe it used to be a building, I don't know. But there was a basketball net or something right at the top.

And I used to use, what was there? I can't remember. No, there had a goal painted on it. So I used it as a goal.

So I used to kick the ball against it sometimes and play football on my own. And that's the best football game I ever had. I love kicking the ball against the wall and then kicking it back.

It's more fun than having someone else around. I used to find. Although the wall often used to win.

So I used to believe I could walk through that wall. And for some reason, I never tested it. I just assumed that I could.

I never tested it. I had faith enough and that was it. But it's weird.

It's very weird. It's just things like that I remember. I used to think that I was a werewolf.

This might sound like I'm just making this stuff up. It's true. And I think it might partially be because I watched American Werewolf in London when I was probably about 11, 10, 11, something like that.

And it had a bit of an effect on me, I think. And then when I was about 13, in RE, religious education lessons, the new RE teacher started talking about spirituality, witchcraft, as well as lots of different religions and stuff. Well, paganism was the original religion, one of the original religions in this country anyway.

So I became very interested in vampires and werewolves and witches and all that stuff. And I remember I was walking home and I was walking, I was walking to sea cadets and there was a full moon. And I'm thinking, oh, I looked up, I see a light, it's a full moon, okay.

And I changed into a werewolf. I didn't physically change it. But I was like on the floor convulsing.

And I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was actually doing that. And I had a sea cadet uniform on as well. So I was like, really changing and all this stuff.

Really believing I was changing into a werewolf growling and stuff. And then I looked up and I realized that it wasn't a moon, it's just a street light. So I thought, where's the moon? And it was, it was just a half moon.

I thought, oh, wrong night. So I just got up and brushed myself off and walked to the sea cadets and just had a normal night. So yeah, I used to get affected.

I remember there was this TV show we used to watch, it was freaky. I can't get it. In fact, I might be able to get it if I look online.

I might be able to find it for you. Because it's the one of the freakiest. I'm going to put freakiest, freakiest alien TV show for kids, UK.

I bet you, it'll come up. I searched for it before. Oh, go away.

It was 80s. Chucky, not Chucky. Alien.

Was it alien? No. Okay. Oh, I found it.

Oh, the boy from space. It was scary. It was scary.

And they were really pale. And the kids, the boy was lovely. But the people looking for him weren't.

And it was a kid's show. Very disturbing. And I remember I was in the, near the beach.

And I thought I was playing hide and seek. My friends okay, they were hiding from me. But anyway, I was looking for them.

And this bloke in a raincoat, like dressed just like the one out of the alien show, the kids show, was just standing there, staring at me. And I thought it was him. And I ran.

I really thought it's probably some bloke having a walk. That's probably all it was. But I really, we're not saying it might have been him because clearly it's a TV show.

I'm not saying maybe it really was him. I'm not sure. No, it wasn't him.

It probably wasn't him. It probably wasn't an alien. But I seriously thought it was and Wow.

I didn't even realize until that point I could fly. I did. I flew all the way home.

Wow. So yeah, I used to believe I could fly as well. But again, I never tested that one out.

If you if you know someone does believe they can fly then test from the ground. That's always one bit of advice I would give you. What other superpowers that I think I had.

There was that kind of the I think the Incredible Hulk had an effect on me as well. I believe that if I got angry, I get strong. And I could turn into a monster or something.

And sometimes I would do that. I'm not literally turn into the Hulk. But I just like lose it.

I didn't know kind of what I was doing. Very, very weird. I guess maybe it's play acting and I'd really got into the play acting.

But I mean, I haven't done that for weeks. It's a little while since a few decades since I'd last did that. So I like to try and keep hold of reality, whatever reality is, to me, my kind of reality.

And I realized as time's gone by, especially lately, I've come to conclude is I know you can come to a conclusion, but can you come to conclude something? Yeah, I think so. Probably. I've come to a conclude and deem something is, I need to live a very basic life, very simple life.

And without drama, without any hassle, as much as possible, not get involved in that stuff. I've had a lot of it over the years, especially over the last few years. And also when I was a kid, and I just don't need that anymore.

Don't want it, don't need it, not going to have it. So I need to be very basic. I can't have credit because there's times when I can't control my spending.

So I need to just live on what I've got. And there's certain things I there's parameters I need to have to keep things. I don't want to keep myself in a box.

Why would you want to keep yourself in a box? But I just need to. Yeah, just things like that. There's certain things I've learned over the years.

And this is going a little bit a different direction to what I was thinking it would be when I first started doing this recording. Today, I mean, not in the whole podcast, because I do have the occasional semi serious podcasts, but I used to be able to control why I used to think I could control the weather. And I even told the teachers that and they just Yeah, right.

Didn't care. You'd think that'd be a little like, if a kid says I can control the weather, and we're not talking like a five year old, this is like a 12 1112. That's a bit old to be able to be thinking you can control the weather the elements of the planet.

Again, that might be because of Sapphire and Steel. I still love Sapphire and Steel. Come to think of it, maybe I've been quite influenced by television.

Invisible Man, Sapphire and Steel. Incredible Hulk, you might say Sapphire and Steel. Some might say what is that? I'd say when you've finished listening to this, maybe search online, you'll find out what it is.

I think all the episodes are on YouTube as well. I mean, it's, it's definitely dated in a sense of it was Wow, a long time ago. I mean, Joanna Lumley was only middle aged at that point.

So it's really 40 odd years or whatever. And it was David McCullum and Joanna Lumley. Sapphire and Steel absolutely phenomenal.

One of the best TV shows, Sapphire. And it should give me Sapphire. No, it's just trying to get me to sign in.

Isn't that weird? Mind you, I've spelt Sapphire S O H I R. So maybe that's why it's not coming up because it doesn't actually make any sense. Sapphire, Sapphire and Rugby, Sapphire and Steel. Okay.

Oh, go away. Keeps trying to get me to sign in. So Joanna Lumley.

She's 78 now. Blimey. And David McCullum.

Oh, he was 90 when he passed away. So it was last year, less than a year ago. Blimey.

They were both so good. And then David McCullum was the Invisible Man. As well as being Steel.

Yeah, because Joanna Lumley was Sapphire. So maybe I was, and the elements like, oh, well, they didn't control the weather, but they controlled elements. So they could control different elements.

And the rain is an element, I think. I'm not really sure what I'm talking about now. I mean, now, earlier on, I've been completely, but now I'm not sure.

Sure. Elements. It's elements, but it's not metal, is it? But there's metal in water, isn't there? I mean, not just the stuff that's the government chucks in, but maybe there isn't.

Oh, dear. Why did I have to film this one? So I, this all came from talking about this thing, this thing, the Bible. I've got quite a few Buddhist books there as well.

If you can see it, there's an orange book somewhere. That's a, no, somewhere. It's a Buddhist book.

Yeah, I was trying to, trying to get in contact with who I was as a person. Because I felt in some ways that when I was a kid, I was more in touch with who I was. And then as I got older, there was all these, I don't know how to explain it.

But I suppose because I settled down, I was in the same town from the age of seven to well, 19, pretty much. So it's 12 years. Lived in the same house from the ages of nine to 15.

So what's that? 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. Is that all just six years? It's ridiculous, isn't it? It felt like forever. So I was in that house for that period of time.

So that was the longest I'd ever lived anywhere in my life at that point. And this here is now the longest I've lived anywhere ever in my life. Never lived anywhere for nine years.

It's over nine years now. So April, May, June, July. So nine years, three months since I've moved here.

And it needs redecorating. Oh yes, redecorating. That's what's needed.

But I think having that, I say stability, but being in the same place for a period of time, I kind of lost myself a bit. It's almost like I knew who I was prior to that in my own way. And I was no longer, I don't know, I think I had more freedom when I was younger.

Because it was a lot of chaos. But within that I had a degree of freedom to do what I wanted to do to a degree. And even when I was in the kids home, there was too many of us to be kept an eye on all the time.

So we kind of did my own thing. As long as I wasn't seen being naughty, I could get away with stuff. Although I did get in trouble quite a bit.

I think my main thing is I just didn't like the food. I wouldn't eat it. And I would refuse.

I would never back down. Ever. Just like Vinnie.

He won't back down. He never backs down. He stands his ground, whatever.

And that's what I was like when I was little. And then what happened is I went from being tough, even though I was absolutely miniature, but I grew up being a tough kid. Just like anyone would be at that.

It was tough. I don't know how to explain. Not like a box up, but just a tough mentality.

I dealt with a lot of stuff or had a lot of stuff happen. And then living in a little town for 12 years, it softened me, but not in a good way. Well, maybe in a good way, but it turned me into a bit of a wimp, really.

Which not really, I don't know. Yeah, kind of. Because it's just when I was younger, when I was stuff that happened when I was like 14 or even 13, the idea of avoiding someone because there was a tough kid in the school and just not getting into confrontation.

It's just like giving them a bit of space and not, you know, I wouldn't have done that when I was six. If I wouldn't have done it, I wouldn't have even avoided a 12 or 13 year old when I was six, because they wouldn't have scared me. I wouldn't have been, no kid was scary to me when I was a kid.

It's weird. It's really strange how to explain it. But then when I became, lived this very much smaller life, bigger life in some ways, but way safer in a lot of ways as well.

And more comfortable. I had, you know, before that I didn't have any toys. I didn't have anything.

I mean, I had nothing. When I was seven, when I moved here, when I moved here, when I moved to my step mum, my dad's and my step mum's house, and they'd just got married, I think. And so it was just before I was seven years old.

It was a summer before I was seven. Apart from a few little bits of clothes, I had, I think, one book. Maybe I had a colouring book.

And that was it. That was my whole belongings. I didn't have anything.

None of my brothers had anything. Everything we had came from them, from my dad and his wife. And so I never had a bike.

Yeah, I taught me how to ride a bike when I was about seven years old. And my brother taught him how to ride a bike. He was nine.

We never had bikes. And so there's a lot of good stuff. But it's also like, it made me a bit soft.

But it probably saved me as well, to be fair. And it's probably a huge amount I need to be grateful for towards my dad and his wife. I've just seen a light bulb.

I wonder what that's doing there. I think it's a screw-in light bulb rather than a one with the pins. And I don't have any light fittings that have the screw-in light bulb.

I wonder why it's there. It's just underneath the telly. Just laying there like, like it's nothing.

Like it's, it's, why shouldn't, why shouldn't I be, I'm lying under the telly. I've been here for months. What's your problem? Why are you mentioning it now? It's got a proper attitude, that light bulb.

Anyway, I, yeah, it's weird. I'm just thinking out loud. Don't worry.

I'm just, just thinking about stuff. Because in them days, you know, late 70s, early 80s. If you, you know, I left school in 1986.

The, the, I don't think the teachers took any notice of the kids. They didn't, there wasn't any kind of, kind of care or counselling or anything like that. And so my weird behaviour just went, I don't know if, I don't think my behaviour went unnoticed.

But it got to the point where they just gave up. The teachers gave up. They didn't care anymore.

Because it wasn't worth the hassle. You know, as long as, as long as I kind of was fairly quiet, they'd leave me to sit there reading a magazine or just doodling or just, you know, as long as I wasn't too, too disruptive, which sometimes I wouldn't be. But it's boredom.

I couldn't force myself. I still can't. I still can't.

I can't force myself to be interested in something I'm not interested in. I can't do it. I don't know how to do it.

Never been able to do it. So, so if you, if there's a subject that I'm trying to think of something that I've got no interest in. I just, for example, geography.

When I was at school, maths. When I was at school, I didn't like maths. I wasn't interested in maths.

I just, or mathematics, I just wasn't, wasn't my thing. And nothing. I mean, I'm not saying there's nothing I couldn't have done.

There might be something I could have done, which would have got me interested. I mean, I became slightly less bored when I had a teacher that was nice. That took the actual time to sit me on his lap and say, look, he didn't sit on his lap, but actually took the time to go and say, look, you know, if you do this, just do it like that.

And he was so kind. So patient, which is what I needed because in all fairness, I'm, some would say super slow. Now, I am and I'm not, I am sometimes really slow.

Like even just if I'm in a certain mood, I can't, I don't even really notice what people are saying. What if they said something rude or whatever. And generally, I'm not quite as slow as I appear.

And I think I've come across to some people as being hugely unintelligent, when I'm just mildly unintelligent. So there's a difference. There's a gap between that.

There's one thing. Yeah, there's a gap, I think. When it comes to maths, I am a complete dum-dum.

I am, you know, I count on my fingers still, sometimes when I don't even need to. That's the weirdest sentence I think I've ever said in my life. Sometimes I count on my fingers sometimes when I don't even need to.

That is weird. That's a weird sentence. That's a really strange sentence.

That's really weird. So I couldn't bring myself when I was at school, I couldn't bring myself to be interested in something that I wasn't interested in. Now, the only reason and the only class I was interested in really, I wasn't interested in English.

Once I got to high school, I was before that I loved reading. I loved English when I was in junior school. And I was, I was almost like a teacher's pet.

You know, I'd go home and I'd take a book home and I'd read it, I'd bring it back the next day. And I just, you know, I was practicing my handwriting. Loved it, loved it.

Anything to do with English, I loved it. It's not that, doesn't mean I know all about, I'm some kind of expert in English, because I'm not. But I just loved it.

I just, I loved reading. That was my favourite thing to do. And till I got to about 12, and then priorities changed.

Yeah, so religious education, and drama, the only two subjects that I actually liked in high school. So the RE is just, I don't know, I don't know why I just, it was really relaxing room. And the two teachers I had were both lovely.

Really, the only, I had three teachers I liked in the whole of high school. Two of them are RE teachers. One was there as a man, he left, I think he might have retired.

And then a lady came in, and she was the next teacher. And she took over that role. And she was lovely as well.

And the other teacher was the maths teacher that I had for about one term in the high school, the first term of the first year. And then I was taken into the Duncy's room, doing maths. Me and all the troublemakers and everything were just put into one room, left on our own to play games and whatever.

It was the remedial class or something. Seriously, we just I was taken out of maths. At that point, I wasn't even being disruptive.

Because I hadn't quite got to that stage yet. I don't think I was. I was very disruptive after that.

I had a maths teacher that I didn't get on with, we didn't see eye to eye. And I was disruptive continuously with her, because she was horrible to me. So yeah.

And also I saw that I realised that if you just refuse to do anything, they couldn't be bothered. The teachers just kind of gave up. And so I just go in there, especially later in school, when I got to about 14, 13, 14, 15, probably 14, 15.

I got it down to a T. I literally didn't do anything. I didn't do any homework. I didn't listen to a single thing that was being said in class.

I'd bring in bodybuilder magazines, Kung Fu magazines, books, and I just read just an alibi it or I'd be talking to the my friend next to me or just being annoying. Basically, I'm not proud of it. A little bit.

No, I'm not really I just it's just that's how it was. That's what happened. And I had this thing if I wasn't shown respect, I didn't give respect.

Which is probably a bit weird for a kid to have that ideology. But that's that's how I felt. If, if you're rude to me, I'll be rude to you regardless of who you are, regardless of how old you are, or what your role is.

And every job I had for many years, if someone was rude to me, either I left the job, or I was rude back to them. Right from when I was a kid, like even with part time jobs, didn't I didn't put up with anything, any rubbish from anyone. And I don't know why.

But it's a bit sensitive, maybe a little bit too sensitive. Wanted equality. I wanted to be seen.

I wanted equal rights. So I So RE, that was cool. All the way through high school.

RE. I don't think I got told off once in that lesson. I probably didn't learn anything either.

Because I was probably still reading magazines. But I didn't cause trouble. I went in there.

I was interested in some of the religion stuff, especially like Hinduism and Sikhism and things I'd never heard of before. It was you know, that was like voodoo to me. It was in the same category, because I'd only really heard of Christianity and Catholicism, and probably Islam to a certain degree.

But the other religions are Wow, didn't know any didn't know anything about them. I then I discovered Buddhism. And I knew a little bit about Buddhism from watching Kung Fu on TV, because he was a Buddhist Buddhist monk came from Kung Fu, if you know that show from about 300 years ago.

And so I knew about Buddhism from that TV show. I knew a bit about Japanese like meditation and Zen, because there's a TV show with Richard Chamberlain called Shogun. It's weird that I remember that.

That's a bit almost obscure reference. And probably because a lot of the old Sinbad movies, they used to sort of say, oh, and talk about Allah and all that stuff like that. So I think I'm pretty asked what that was.

I wasn't sure. So there's if you watch them old movies, they talk about that stuff a lot in those movies. Not a lot, but they just discuss it.

So what does that mean? I used to ask. Unfortunately, the TV didn't answer voice. So I drama drama was another one that I didn't like it.

I loved it. I didn't I didn't like it because it was I wasn't in a classroom. I could misbehave, I could run around, play around, and just do what I wanted to do.

You know, dress up as a woman, put on makeup, which is what I did every week. I didn't even have to. I just you know, just like doing it.

And when I turn up in the summer holidays, just no one else around. But I yeah, I used to couldn't get the summer makeup off in time because it was it was always the drama was on a Friday afternoon, the last two or three lessons on a Friday, which meant there was an assembly every Friday afternoon at the end of the day. So I'd be in the assembly.

And like they'd have, they said, people were like, well, why have you got makeup on? And I'd explain, I'd be in drama. I didn't have time to take the makeup off. And and it's okay, it's fine.

But what about the dress? You could have took the dress off. So like, didn't care. Don't care.

I'm not sure I don't think I'd ever really make a particularly pleasant female. I mean, I don't make a great man. So I don't think I'll make a particularly good female either.

I think take more than makeup, head transplant probably. So yeah, I used to, I used to like that because I could play around, I could run around and be silly. My best friend Dean was also in doing that as well.

So we could muck around with each other. And it was just fun. It was a game.

And then what happened the cookery lessons didn't like that. I did it because it was easier than sitting. I could be on my feet.

I could do stuff. I could walk around, I could have a laugh. And I got to eat some cakes as well because I cook cakes and stuff.

So I didn't mind cooking lesson. I chose it as a subject. So home economics.

I did that for the last two years, last three years maybe of high school. But I didn't like the class. I just preferred it over sitting in a classroom, pretending to be interested in the subject.

Geography. I had no choice with geography. There's certain subjects we had to do.

Geography, history, maths, and English, and science, and PE, physical education. I think RE was had to do RE for the first two years. But the last three years or second, third, fourth, and fifth year, it was a choice.

But for the first two years, I think it had to do RE. I took it as a subject because I was interested in it. I look like I've only got one shoulder here and the other one's tiny, but it's the way the chair is.

That's it. I'm lopsided. That's it.

If I do, that's better. So I don't remember a single thing I learned in history. Generally, I don't remember a single thing, which is weird because now, I quite like history now.

I like watching dramas, like historical things about Romans and the Vikings and stuff like that. It fascinates me. But some teacher in front of a blackboard with chalk, writing stuff, that didn't interest me.

So that was history. Geography, I couldn't care. It's like, if I want to know where someone is, I'll just look at a map.

That was my attitude on that. You know, I know how to get home from school. I know how to get to the sweet shop.

And I know where the toilet is. That was as far as much geography as I needed. I had to get to my bedroom from the kitchen.

And so I wasn't interested in traveling or anything like that. So I didn't really see the point. I mean, I think I must have absorbed some of that, like for being in the classroom, I don't know, maybe twice a week for years and years.

I would have absorbed some of that information, but I didn't take any notice of it. You know, for me, it was just like, when is this going to end? How much longer have we got? And I'd just be staring at the clock. And yeah, I wasn't interested.

So history, geography, so that same subject is covered. Science. Science was sometimes interesting.

Yeah, I'll give science its due. Sometimes it was interesting. Mixing chemicals, the Bunsen burner, things like that.

But, and I used to do, I didn't sit and do nothing because it was practical. So maybe it was a bit more what I needed. It kept me busy.

And we always partnered up with someone so we could have a laugh. And yeah, science was all right. I wasn't interested in it.

But it was, it was an easier time. And easier than history was less stale. The history lessons and geography just seems so stale, like really just, here's a textbook.

And now we're just going to work out the textbook. I'm going to talk about the pictures in the textbook. And look at the text in the textbook.

And that was it. Like, okay. But with science, you've got to burn myself, accidentally, but on the tripods.

So the Bunsen burner would be underneath the tripods. And on top of the tripods would be a mesh, a metal mesh. And then you'd have the dish or whatever that you were boiling on top.

And the amount of times I just completely forget, don't touch the tripod legs. Don't touch it. Don't.

And I was constantly burning myself. Not badly, just enough to let out. And yeah, it wasn't always the most safe place, safest place for me to be, to be honest.

Yeah, I got through quite a few of them. Yeah, anyway, it was, it was semi interesting. But I wasn't, I didn't want to be a scientist.

I wouldn't involve myself in any sign of the dissecting stuff. No, not for me. No, thanks.

As for this crawl, I mean, I don't just kind of show me a video, dissect one thing, if you have to show us a video of it. I have to do, I don't want to do it myself. I'm not going to be a surgeon, especially not on frogs, a frog surgeon.

What's the chances? That reminds me the, no, it doesn't remind me that the Olympics is on. It doesn't, no, it doesn't remind me of that. I'm just thinking of, it's in France.

No, not, I'm not talking about, no, just because of the high jump. That's why, just thinking of the high jump. The Olympics do a high jump.

So that's why I'm thinking frogs and high jump, not, not France. And, you know, it's the high jump and the long jump because frogs can jump quite long as well. I've not watched any of the Olympics so far.

I I'd like to see the boxing. These two nights, I did watch some of the Olympics today. It was the archery and it was Korea against China.

And they kept pulling these things. And this, this, one of the females, it's a female team. And they pulled the thing up right up to their chin and squashing the nose down and letting it go.

And there's a mark all the way down their face from where they kept doing it. And I thought to myself, and you could see her chin was chapped. And like there's a dent.

And not like Kirk Douglas, but there was a, there was a definite like indent, maybe from recently, but it's not like this the first time she's ever done it. I'm guessing they practice every now and then before the Olympics. So I just turn up the, okay, got a little weekend hobby.

Oh, we've got the Olympics soon. I'm going to get the old dust off the old bow and arrow. Sorry, I didn't mean to kick you.

Sorry, babe. And I thought, why don't they have something on their face to protect their chin? And then the next person comes up, plaster on her chin. Then the next one came up, plaster.

They all had these like plaster, like bandagey plaster things. On their chin, except this one woman that I saw first, and she got a bullseye. So I'm thinking that maybe that got in the way of the aim.

Technically though, okay, outside, you've got wind. Inside my pants, we've got wind, you know, but just standing outside, you got the wind. But when you're indoors, surely, I mean, you could do the same argument for darts, but surely, why would you just not always get the same, get a bullseye every single time? If you're practicing, that's what you do.

When you just get, if there's no wind, and if it's, I mean, they were outside, so it's a little bit different. But it looks like a really sophisticated thing. Like the bow is like super sophisticated.

Sophisticated? It's not just like, you know, a bit of string and a stick that you've bent to try and attach it to it. They're not using them. It's a proper, you know, it's not like when you got off Amazon for $4.99, free postage.

It's, it's a proper thing, probably hundreds of pounds, probably maybe thousands of pounds. I don't know. So outdoors, okay, fair enough.

But indoors, you'd get the bullseye every time, surely. But then you could say that about darts. But then with darts, you don't have to, you have to get different ones, haven't you? You know, you have to get down from 180.

So you have to get, I keep thinking 180. I don't know what score you start from. No.

Is it one you have to get down from 180 down or something? Something I can't remember. What's the highest scoring darts? Snooker? I think it's 180. That's snooker, isn't it? I think.

Or is it badminton? I saw some badminton on the Olympics. Yeah, it didn't excite me. If I'm honest.

Yeah, it didn't, didn't quite, you know, didn't grease up the engine didn't quite, didn't quite, you know, I didn't feel lubricate, not lubricated. I don't know the right word. It's, it just, I've always quite liked badminton.

I tell you what I didn't. I suppose it was, it was couples. It was like couple badminton, like two people on either side.

I prefer when it's just one person. It's like doubles tennis. I guess it's doubles badminton, isn't it? Doubles tennis doesn't really do it for me.

I'm not a huge tennis fan. But for me, that'd be like doubles snooker or doubles darts. Although darts is, well, it's two people, isn't it? But they're against each other.

Mind you, I think darts would be better if they had one side of the hall with a dart board and then the other dart board on the other side of the hall. So a big glass partition, but you could see a big on a big screen where they are. So whoever's on one side's going to be on that side.

So they can be looking at each other while they're throwing. That's an idea. Also, if we find out, I thought about this earlier, got a lot of ideas.

I think some of them are worth a penny or so. Find out what a dog's nose is made of, the material. Because Vinnie had his head in a bunch of stinging nettles earlier.

He was sniffing the stinging nettles and he was just like, didn't get affected by the stinging nettles. Now, if I did that, my nose would be even redder than it already is. So I need to find out.

It's not that I want to sort of start playing with them and like, you know, rolling around in them. But it'd be nice to know if we could replicate something that, like a dog's nose, to replicate that material. So when you walk in through a field, you can just, or you could, yeah, you could wear it.

You could wear it. Yeah, you could wear a big dog's nose in the field. That's brought up a different, yeah, weird visual.

Anyway, I'm going to go because Vinnie started barking. So I'm going to have to, er, the thing is with Vinnie, he doesn't like, start like, er, er, and then, rar, rar. He's like, instant, rar, rar, rar, rar.

Makes me jump. It's too much, to be honest. Really, really too much.

Especially when I'm trying to make a podcast and I'm trying to focus. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is me focusing. So, thanks for listening.

Remember, thanks for watching. Remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve to be happy.

Be gentle with yourself. Lots of love. Bye.