(no music) #1148 - Job centre story - Let Me Bore You To Sleep (17th June 2024)

Ah, hello. Oh, get myself comfortable. Welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

My name's Jason Newland. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. So today is the Monday.

It's the Monday the 17th of June 2024. It's been nearly a week since I had sugar in my tea. Trying to cut down.

It helped that I ran out of sugar so I didn't have any sugar to put in tea but it's not starting to taste quite so disgusting as it first did. Which could bring the question why am I still drinking tea if it's disgusting? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

There's a lot of things I do that are disgusting that I don't know why I do them. Which is why I'm doing the psychology course to try and figure out I don't do too many weird. Well, anyway, that's not what this podcast is about.

So I can't remember. The last recording I did was the last Let Me Bore You To Sleep one was a couple of days ago. When was it? Oh, that's weird.

Jason. Okay. Is that? That's strange.

I haven't looked into that one for a while. Okay. Jason.

I've forgotten Jason. That's weird. I've forgotten the email address for the Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcast.

Very strange. I wonder if that's the one. Yeah, it is.

Okay, I got it. Wow. That was very, it doesn't normally log me out, but it did for some reason.

So the reason I couldn't look at the other web, the other podcast is because I've been uploading. Oh, lots of yawns. I've been uploading some deep sleep whisper hypnosis recordings without music onto there.

So I think 250 the last couple of days, which means that's quite a long way away from the last recording. So the last one I did was Friday. Okay.

So it's three days, two days ago, I posted it on Saturday. So it's a couple of days since I posted one, but with three days, because I post this tomorrow morning. To be honest, today's you know, today's not not so bad.

But I'll stop yawning in a minute. It's too late at night now. It's like half past seven.

I should do this in the afternoon. But I just I get so focused on what I'm doing, because the last few days, because I haven't really felt up to making podcasts. But what I have been able to do is making videos out of podcasts for YouTube.

So I'm still doing it now. So I'm uploading in not right this second, but I've been uploading videos today. I try and upload at least 10 a day.

And according to this, I've got 648 videos, but I think it might be more than that actually. 668 713 sniffy. So nice.

754 770 778 785. Okay. Right.

This is exciting stuff in it. Seven. So according to this, I've got 785 videos on my YouTube channel available to view.

And so yeah, there's quite a lot, isn't it? I think I won't go through all of them because it's taken ages. But for okay, yeah, so nearly 800 videos. There's still a lot to do.

Still a lot to create out of the audios. So Deep Sleep Whisper, I'm up to number 80 out of, I don't know, a few hundred, 400, 350, whatever. So it's quite a few.

It's quite a few. So I've still got another two or 300 left, 200, 250 or something left to do. So there's a lot that's going to take me quite a while.

But I'm sticking to it, sticking to the plan. And I thought I might go through with you what I do or how I do it, just to bore really bore you. But another thing I might start.

There's a lot of mites on there, a lot of mites, especially on my feet. I don't know what that means. Mites, isn't that little bugs, isn't it? Mites.

By the way, Vinnie's in the bedroom because as soon as I was doing my vocal training, my warm ups, I decided to start doing that for some reason. Things like that that are useful. And it's the very first sound that came out of my mouth, he started barking.

Honestly, I don't even know why. All his sisters were like, woof, woof, woof. And he started barking.

And so anyway, he's in the bedroom. So I put him in there. He's like a wolf, like howling.

The man of one voice, but different levels of squeakiness. That's me. I haven't got a cold or hay fever.

I'm just sniffing for some reason. It's what I'm into now. It's my new thing, sniffing.

So every now and then, oh man, you know what? Isn't it weird when you've got a memory of something that is unnecessary? There's no use being in my brain. And there's probably a million of them anyway. But whenever I think of sniffing, there's two things I think about.

Okay, two things, only two things. Just two, just two things. One is two memories.

One was when I was on the phone in the last security, the last insurance job I had. And then I think it was it might have been actually a previous one, but it was definitely an insurance company. And this bloke phoned up.

And it sounded like he had the phone up his nose. And he was sniffing all the way through it. It was, I was gagging.

I found it so disgusting. Now people sniffing I'm not bothered about. But there was the auditory, it was like surround sound.

It was awful. Not being in some kind of echo chamber thing. And all you can hear is I can't even do it justice.

It was just awful, awful, awful sound. And I kept having to take my headset off and, and stamp on it, you know, just but it's fine. That's one memory.

I was very happy. I was also annoyed, actually, because I tried to get rid of it. Like, thanks.

Yeah. So that's your quote. Do you want it? Just no sales pitch? No, no attempt at selling just do you want it? Hoping you go away? Well, not in a horrible way.

Just I was struggling with it. Or maybe I just, I was at that time, I was a little bit squeamish because I was going through a phase of eating raw fish, raw tuna breaks. And I don't know why I don't eat raw tuna.

Blimey. I mean, it's too big to carry around. So I get the ones in tins then.

Wonder if you've ever thought about tuna, like saw that and thought, yeah, we'll get that and put it in little tins. And they'll last forever. I wonder.

Bet that tastes nice. So Oh, is it weird? They put it in brine. So this tastes fishy, quite dry fish, actually.

Which ironic considering where it comes from. So I was talking about? Yeah, so that was that. Then the second and this is a little bit grim, so I'll I'll just I'll go into I won't go into graphic detail.

And I've told this story before. So it's not the first time and I didn't. Yeah, I didn't get too many complaints.

Jason. I haven't had any of those recently. I might start reading out listeners letters.

Listeners complaints. I got one somewhere I read it out later. So I was in the job centre.

Just left college, university. It's weird because I had a I did a university course, but it was at college. The course was held at the college.

But it was accredited by the university. But it's definitely a university course and it had BSc honours or BA, BA honours rather, counselling studies. So it's a three year full time degree.

It's just it was held in the counselling department, the social services department, because that college did the counselling courses, the diplomas. So if that makes sense, so is the Essex University, which is accredited by was also wasn't far away. But it just is the way it was.

So when I start my Open University course, I think it's Milton Keynes, the Open University, maybe one day. Once AI has extended everyone's lives by 1000 years, I can go to university, a brick and mortar university and study at the actual place that I get the degree from, at the actual building. Although I did have access to Essex University, because I was studying with them.

So I could go in there, use their library, use the study space. It's really out of the way. It's not not close to anything.

It's almost like they've just found this little plot of land and just built on it. And not bothered having any amenities anywhere near it. I used to go to Essex University regularly before.

No, no, it's during my course. But I used to go there in the evenings once a week to help out with a meditation class. One of my friends and his wife used to hold it there.

And I used to help out, just give out teas and help carry the equipment and stuff. Did that every week for a while, actually, once a week. I think it might be the Tuesday night.

No, it's a Friday night. It's a Friday night. I remember that because it was at the end of the week because it was always on a Friday.

Hence the Friday night. I just I just recall it being after everything, you know, once the week was done. And I could enjoy the Saturday and Sunday.

Well, to be fair, I probably worked Saturdays and Sundays in the gift shop. Yeah. And so, oh, right.

So I finished my college course, I finished the university course. And I was looking for a job, basically. Now, I already was volunteering at a children's charity as a counselor.

And I was also volunteering there as well, like in the evenings, helping out administration and stuff like that a little bit as well. But I had no income. So what I did is I had to sign on.

And it's really weird because I think I did it on the phone. And then they then they called me in for an interview and stuff at the job job center. So yeah, I think the the forget it is the claim was from the minute I phoned them up.

And then it was a couple of weeks later, they had me in and it took about six weeks or five or six weeks before it went through. So I anyway, so I'm called in. It's not a busy day.

In there. And I remember when I did sign on. They signed on for a while.

I don't know how long it was for. It wasn't for a long time. It's right from this.

I finished my course in June. And I started working in January. So I was about five June or July.

So July to July to January or something in the January is when I was unemployed for I think. And the area where I actually went to have the interview just there was a few chairs opposite me was it was in the summer. And there was two two females opposite me, just sitting down.

Now it's nothing to do with how they looked or anything. What I'm about to say to you, but I was embarrassed by what happened next. Now your minds might be going, Oh my gosh, what did he do? What did those poor ladies? What on earth did he do? No, nothing too strange.

I mean, the court the court case was quite quick. No, nothing, nothing really. It was horrible.

It was embarrassing for me. So I sit down. They won't sit they weren't there yet at this point.

And I realized that I suddenly I've got a cold like it's almost like it came on instantly, which is very strange. Maybe I was a little bunged up before I didn't realize it didn't notice it. But when I got inside, maybe because it was dry outside, maybe the air conditioning or something inside bugged me a little bit and triggered it.

But my nose was running. Just so I went to blow my nose. Two ladies, young females went and sat down opposite me wouldn't matter what age they were.

I don't know why I'm pointing out. I mean, what's next? I'm gonna tell you what they were wearing. I don't know.

Okay, low cut blouse one left and I didn't look at the right one. I was too busy. No, I didn't know.

I didn't notice. Anyway, red high heels on the left. I didn't know it's hardly anything.

And okay, she had a hat on. It was like one of those not sombrero because that'd be weird. Well, they should look perfect.

Whatever she wore. You could put a dead bat on a batter, a dead battered bat on her head and she'd still would look amazing. But I didn't take much notice because it's not about that.

I wasn't taking notice of how she looked because I'm not that kind of guy. Everyone's equal to me and one I just see. I don't see beauty.

I just see humans, human beings. I don't see no judgment at all. You know, when people say, Oh, I don't want to be judged.

When if when someone says something, maybe not so nice, you know, or maybe a bit put down or like, oh, you know, I don't be judged, which is understandable. I do get that. But when someone gets told, Oh, you look amazing today.

Your makeup is on point. I get that a lot. You just look so good.

Mm hmm. I've never heard anyone complain. If it's another woman saying that is never heard a woman as I don't want to be judged.

I've heard I've heard people complain that when it's a man, when it's okay, when it's me. No matter what I say, it's always wrong. Always wrong.

I mean, I remember I was in a queue at the face in the library. This is a few years back. And this woman got really upset.

She was in front of me. And she got really upset. Boyfriend got upset as well or husband or son.

I don't know what he was. All I did was tap on the shoulder and asked her if she'd just fight. I just want to know who was so absolute chaos.

It was just ridiculous. Like such a big deal. I said, Look, it's just it's a natural question.

You don't know if it was me. I wouldn't know if it was you. She said, I didn't want to know if it was you.

I said, Why? Because I didn't smell it. I can't smell anything. I said, That's the problem.

That's when a husband or whatever boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever he was, I don't know. Boss, maybe chauffeur, it's hard to tell. And doorman, doorman, maybe they were conjoined twins.

I don't know. I don't have that much information. I think I'm gonna write down, take pictures and write down a big life story about it.

You know, in case one day I want to want to discuss what happened. No, no. And he looked at me and he was like, I'll tell you what.

So what? He said, and he just is like, he didn't know what to say. And the facial expression on him. Because I realized he was thinking, I know exactly what he was thinking.

And he knew I knew what he was thinking. Because what he was thinking in that moment was, Oh my God, what is that smell? Yeah. So it's very hard that he went from to get angry, to being absolutely blown over with the pong from that lady's fart.

I say the lady's fart, haven't established, there's no DNA test done. And I don't know if it was her fart, but there's only me. And then two or one, I don't know if they might have been joined.

Then then in front. I mean, they might have been complete strangers that just bonded in that moment. Like emotionally, he might have been an invisible friend, or at least she thought he was an invisible friend, not realizing that actually everyone could see him.

That'd be weird, wouldn't it? You might say, well, what about the person the other side of the counter? If he was queuing in the library? Did I say I was queuing at the counter? No. No, see? You're clever, don't you? Hey, hey, hey, hey, you are clever. But on this occasion, you're wrong.

Because it wasn't the counter. I was queuing at the machine because it was a self service thing. Oh, yeah, self service everywhere.

You know, the one thing I dreamed of when I was in my teens, as a teenage boy, getting older and older, you know, 16, 17, 18, 19. My one and only dream. My one and only hope in life is the one day I could live in a world where I no longer had to self service myself.

That's what I was dreaming about. And now everything self service. It's like, I don't want to do it myself.

I spent a decade like McDonald's, the library, the doctor's surgery, supermarkets. Where else? Where else anyone? I don't know. Don't go anywhere else.

I don't really go to the supermarkets. But I do remember. I have been to a supermarket.

Doctor's surgery. I've got one. I've got an appointment this week actually.

About my blood sugar, and my high cholesterol. Not a good combination to be honest. A lot going on in my blood right now.

Cholesterol and sugar. I kind of think that maybe there's a little bit of a connection there. So I'm definitely I know, normally I lie when I talk to you know, I'm the biggest liar and on the planet.

But we're the biggest liar. I mean, there are others. I'm the biggest liar on the planet that isn't trying to become an important person in any particular country.

We've got elections here. Talk about liars. We've got elections coming up on the fourth of July, I think.

So it's a couple of weeks away now. Fourth of July, eh? And it's gonna be a change of hands of power. There's this whole thing about, oh well, the Labour Party leader who's the opposition at the moment, but if everyone pretty much just accepts that they're going to get in, which would be funny if they don't.

You know, if nobody turns up to vote for them, just assuming that they're going to get in anyway, they won't get in. And the Conservative Party will still be here. And they'll be looking around like, what happened? They'll be more surprised if they get, if, if, if Sunni, Sunni Cynic, Cynic, whatever his name is, the Prime Minister, if he remains Prime Minister the morning after the election, he will look more surprised than if he loses.

Honestly, if he wins, he'll be more surprised. He'll be like, oh? Because he's going to wake up on a Friday, I think it's a Thursday night, the election, when they count it. So Friday morning is kind of a done thing.

And that's when he's probably going to come out all prepared, got a written script, written for him to hand in his resignation, because he's not going to be the leader of the opposition. He'll resign. He doesn't need to be here.

He's like, why? I don't think he was really in politics to be. He wanted to be, I guess, to be Prime Minister, and he got to do it. But he doesn't need to be on the B team, which the Conservatives probably will be for a while.

Or maybe they won't even get to be the B team, it might be the C team, which a lot of people have been calling the Conservatives the C team for quite some time anyway. Especially certain parts of the country. You know, the C word.

We don't say that on this podcast. What was I going to say? Oh, yeah, yeah. So what on earth am I talking about? It's not about lying.

I don't lie. Who said I lie? So I was in the job centre, sitting there. There's two, they might be females, they might not be, I don't know.

I can't remember. It might be two men. It might be one woman, one man, it might have been two men.

It might have been two non bilingual. I don't know. I really don't.

It doesn't matter to me. I don't. I don't see people as humans.

That's wrong. It sounds bad, doesn't it? I don't see people unless I wear my glasses. People are just a blur.

Six feet away. It's a blur. Honestly, I can't see.

I can notice with my glasses on from a distance who it is by their walk, by what they're wearing. If someone wears the same kind of colour coat or whatever, if they've got a dog, and there's certain things like that, or if they wear a hat, if they've got glasses, you can kind of make that out. I can't tell from their face.

I can't see their face until they get here. But I didn't realise that where I live, everyone's got really tiny faces. They're like, probably 25% of a normal face.

It's just really small faces. A lot more hair, same size head, but just really small faces. I took a bit of getting used to that.

Anyway, so there's these two people. I couldn't tell if they were male or female because their faces were too small. One might have had ginger hair, but she might not have done, or he might not have done, or they might not have done.

Wow. I remember when calling someone they, you get in trouble. Do you remember that? Who's they? The cat's mother? Who's she? The cat's mother? The cat's, who's he? The cat's father? Used to get in trouble for using pronouns.

I'm serious. In this country, I don't know about your country, in the kingdom of the world here in England, when we, well not just not me, I heard people say it, the older people would say it to the younger people. And when you say, oh, she, he, she said this, he, who's she? The cat's mother? I don't know why I keep repeating it, but the cat's mother, what is that?

What does that even mean? I know it's the mother of the cat.

I get that bit. I understand basic history. I just, I don't, I don't know the cat's mother.

So in other words, don't use pronouns. And now, now, now. See, I just find it easier because you don't need to, you don't need to use pronouns in front of the person because it doesn't come up.

You don't, there's no he, she, they, whatever. It doesn't come up if you're actually talking to them directly. It only comes up if you're talking about them and to make sure they're not there.

That's why it's very important to ensure that whenever you're talking about someone, it's very important that it's gossip because that way you're never going to do it in front of them and they're never going to hear about it. So, so only gossip about people. Is that the message? Is that the message, Jason? No, it's not the message, but it's, it's an idea because it, especially if you're given some really juicy gossip, the person listening to you, you start saying, yeah, and he did this and he said that.

They're not going to say, wait a minute. Do you mean, um, they did that or he did that. They're not going to correct you on pronouns because they're going to be too busy salivating, waiting for the next bit of juicy gossip to flap out of your mouth.

So yeah. So there's two people in the job center. It's cordoned off.

It's actually cordoned off. You know, those, they're supposed to, they're supposed to be soundproof. They're not.

Has anyone told anyone that they're not soundproof? You know, they kind of just stand up. They're quite thick. And it's like a barrier between, sometimes you have it between desks.

Sometimes you have it between desks that are facing each other. So they can't talk to each other. And especially in call centers, things like that.

It's not soundproof. Whoever thinks that it's soundproofed and they sit in there having a conversation about the person, the other side of the wall, the pretend wall, um, it's not soundproof. We can hear you.

We can hear you. Yeah. That's why I used to make me laugh when I used to go into the library.

I used to go and they had the, I don't know if it's still there. Used to have the housing department in there for some reason. So the housing council, housing, stuff like that, housing benefit, things like that.

So it was a whole section of the library and they had these barriers around it. And then people just, you know, sitting in chairs waiting to be seen. You could hear every single word because, well, they didn't realize that sound isn't quite as, um, it's not like humans.

Like I might get to the wall and think, Oh, I'll never mind. I'll go back. A sound will get to the wall and think, I'll just go over it or go around it or go under it as a bit of a gap underneath.

It doesn't, it doesn't get blocked. It might get mumbled, might get muffled a little bit. But if the, if the wall does not attach to the ceiling and the floor, then there's a chance that it's not going to be very soundproof.

If there's a big, huge gap and these are high ceilings as well. So loads of room for the sound to jump over. Um, it's true.

What's those? Oh, I'm trying to think, you know, there's one bloke. He just was a man or it was a human. Anyway, was talking so much, but giving all this private information to the client, to the patient, not the patient, to the client, to the member of public, like reading out all this stuff that was really personal.

And it turned into the, the voice sound Olympics, you know, all the different words were like jumping over to us, to us, to let us see, like the high jump was going on every word, like private word, like do jumping over so we could hear it's a long jump, the high jump, the what's that thing with a big long stick. Ah, the juicy ones were coming over with that one.

Anything's like personal data, you know, history, just things that were really shouldn't have been discussed in a public place.

Great. When they called me out on I said, No, no, can you put some of the films through? I'm busy. This still, can you call me in after him? Come listen to this one.

You turn around. I said, No, not you. I'm not listening to you.

So off. Okay, no, sorry, mate. So now I'm listening to the person you're talking to.

Why? Why? Because they're telling everyone all about your history, the different things you've been through and all the places you've lived and, you know, social services and it's great, juicy gossip. Can't wait to get out of here and get on the phone to everyone I know. I don't know what I'm doing with this.

I'm going in a different direction. I didn't have a direction to start with. But it's definitely not gone in that direction, wherever it might have done.

I don't I'm not really gossip. Although I tell you who is a gossip. One of my neighbors in the garden constantly gossiping.

Constantly. I mean, it's, it's amazing. Some of the things she talks about is, I can't believe that she's had 31 children.

All within three years. She's such a gossip. She, she buries things in the garden.

There is poo in the garden. I don't know why she doesn't just use a toilet like everyone else. I don't know where I'm going with this.

I'm moving away. I'm stepping back from the weirdness of this conversation. So I I'm not drunk.

I don't drink, I don't take nothing. I did take my medication. So maybe that that doesn't give me any kind of a buzz though.

If the only thing my medication does is make me feel a bit tired, like when I've initially taken them. I took them about six o'clock just like literally two hours ago. So I'm in the job center.

These two people, this story is not really worth the ending to be honest, but So anyway, I'm going, I'm in there and I need to blow my nose. Not only do I need to blow my nose, but the pressure is building up. And when you've got a nose as big as mine, that's a lot of pressure.

And I'm sucking in the air trying to keep, do you remember those years ago, you used to have those upside down pipes or, or like a straw and you had to hold on to the ball. You have to suck on it, suck on the straw ever to keep the ball attached. Yeah, I remember that as well.

It was a little bit like that. I was, but without the ball or the straw, I'd be like, I thought I'd put a straw anywhere near it. It would have, yeah, there'd been an explosion, but it was, yeah, I was really trying.

I was like hoping for gravity to just, just take a break for a little while, you know, I considered standing on my head, but then I thought, well, that's probably not the best way to avoid embarrassing myself. You know, there's better ways. So I'm just standing there and wouldn't stand.

I'm sitting there just waiting and waiting and waiting. And eventually the person who I had the interview with to sign me on and everything came through and said, Mr. Jason. I said, yeah, it's me.

If you'd like to come through, please. Don't worry. It's all securely soundproofed.

They were both laughed at that. So I said, okay, I'm coming. So it was such a relief, because I didn't mind blowing my nose in front of this person.

It's, I don't know, just, but who knows why I just didn't feel comfortable doing it there. And then, well, here's what happened. I let my guard down, not emotionally, you know, just, I didn't start proposing.

I just, I bent down to pick my bag up. So I stood up, bent down, pick my bag up, everything emptied on the floor. I want to say that I'm not talking from my bag.

Everything that I was trying to stop happening before, that should have gone into the tissue. Honestly, it's grim. So I'll move on from that.

But so to avoid me embarrass myself by blowing my nose in front of people, which I don't like to do in front of anyone. It, it was honestly, they had to abandon the building. I don't mean temporary that actually, it got completely whatever, I forget what the word is.

They had to knock it down. They had to knock the building down. It was condemned.

That's the word I was looking for. I wish I'd been there when I needed it. It was condemned.

And it was weird. The thing is, the people that worked there were quite happy, because they really wanted to, you know, get a place redone. And the council wouldn't do it.

Now they got their wish and they got some time off work paid as well. So they rebuilt it. And they've got better drainage system now in the carpets.

So it's good. But I got no carpets anymore. I don't know why.

Apparently there's some issue in the past. But they got guttering and everything now in the drainage and it's, it's good. And that went on a little bit too long, didn't it? Maybe in editing, I'll break it down to like, I don't know, 10 minutes.

There was, yeah, I don't know. It's not like I'm applying for, I'm not entering into a competition, am I? Some literary award. So I do wonder though, I wonder, when I take this on the road, when I take the Let Me Bore You To Sleep live on the road, travel the world and all the 11 people that listen to me regularly, you can all follow me around.

In fact, you might as well travel with me, to be honest, just rest, rent out. We'll get some kind of discount travel card or whatever. We'll travel together.

And yeah, I don't know. Because I suppose it does sound like it'd be fun to do something like that. But I would feel the need to do put on some kind of a show.

And the idea of saying, I'm saying rehearsed things kind of goes against my not ethics or morals, but just it's not kind of what I do. I don't even rehearse. I don't rehearse anything ever.

But I don't know what I'm going to say in any of my recordings. The closest thing to know what I'm going to say is sometimes with the hypnosis recordings, I will have at the at the most an outline occasionally. And usually, even if I have an outline, or maybe there's a pain relief, chronic pain relief technique that I've got an idea for, and I'm going to integrate that into a recording.

Sometimes I forget and I go off in a different direction. Hard to believe. But sometimes I don't always focus.

Sometimes. So the idea of that, that's one of the reasons I didn't want one of the things I didn't like about stand up comedy is having to do the same jokes every time. Now, I realize, I'll tell you what the process is for doing comedy, and it probably hasn't changed.

Probably hasn't changed since the beginning of time, you know, I don't know, it's been the same probably forever. For the last 6070 years, however long stand up comedy has been around, maybe it's been around a lot longer than that. But even with vaudeville, an act, okay, I'll talk about what I did.

And what I learned is, first of all, you'd be doing, unless you're known, unless you're already a known person, you do a five minute open spot. It might have changed quite a bit since I last did it because it's a long time ago. But regardless of that, it's still going to be the same kind of process is when you start out, all your material is new, because it's new.

Hopefully, it's your own stuff as well. And you have to kind of gauge whether or not the audience laughs and you, you do a, you know, you kind of I used to record my recordings, record my recordings, record my gigs, because there was a friend who recorded all of his. And I thought if I recorded them, I'd be better.

It'd make me a better comedian. That's what I thought. I thought one day I'd be six foot.

I thought a lot of things over the years. And it's a case of just looking back over the some people can remember, you know, they've got good memories. So they say, well, the sperm fish joke worked.

The brothel. Sister joke worked, you know, whatever different things. And I then okay.

This is what the good comedians did. And what I didn't do. The good, the good comedians start to expand upon the jokes that worked.

And they managed to connect them with other jokes that worked. So they start off with maybe a one liner. Of course, there are some comedians that just do one lines, and that's it.

And none of them are connected. They like and, you know, but other comedians that do they'll start off with a one liner, there might be really, really strong. And then they might be able to fit a line before it that also gets a laugh at a line after the strong joke that also gets a laugh.

But then they might be able to find another one that gets a bigger laugh after that one. And you know, just expand upon that. And then maybe connect other jokes in some way to that and work from now on a five minutes to having a 10 minute slot of just stuff that works.

Instead of starting off with just stuff that doesn't work or just stuff that's new. So the five minute one, it starts I think I'm trying to explain it. But let's say the five minutes slot turns into turns from a five minutes of new stuff to doing five minutes of stuff that works in order to get the 10 minutes slot.

That's how it used to be. And the 10 minutes slot will be a paid slot. The five minutes slot will be packed with be free.

So you get 10 minutes slot, which would be like a half slot. 20 minutes is a full slot. Now some gigs, they do do you know, full length shows 40 minutes, but usually 20 minutes, like a normal comedy show.

Back then, you'd have the compare come on about nine o'clock. It's roughly the same everywhere. I mean, it did change different times.

Comedy store had two different, two different times. On a Saturday, Friday and Saturday, they'd have the early show about 730 and a late show about 11 or 12. Something like that.

So the compare would come on, do about 10 minutes, then introduce the first act. Now how it kind of worked is there was a hierarchy. Generally, those those two, two levels went on first quite often.

Well, it's not okay. The person that went on last is the headliner, generally. And people just assumed the last act last saved the last to best, you know.

However, a lot of the big, successful comedians on the circuit, the ones that then go on to do television and, you know, tour the country, maybe even the world. They do so many gigs in one night that they will do an early show at a comedy store on first, then they'll go on first at another comedy club within that area in the West End. Then they'll go on second at another comedy club.

Then they'll go on third, headline, a later club. And then I'll go on again back to the comedy store, perhaps. This is in one night.

So I'm going to do like four or five gigs in one, which is ridiculous. But I know people have done it. There's one comedian, he basically had a chauffeur on a motorbike or whatever, just to take him from gig to gig.

But at the same time, he was earning a heck of a lot of money. But even the ones that aren't doing like the huge amounts, I think five gigs is a bit more than average. But a lot of them, we do at least two or three, which is still a lot.

So sometimes you go to a gig, go to a comedy club, and you'd see a headline act on the first. So for example, Harry Hill, for example, or Lee Evans, or I'm trying to think of whoever you want to think of in a comedian in the UK, just you can name your own comedian, probably there as well in your country, because it's probably the same process. It might not be, it might be.

So they might be on first there and head off to another gig to close. So they might go, they might be on first at the comedy club I used to be at. And then go and they'd finish that and then go to the other side of London to headline and close that show.

And then go to the comedy store. Maybe they'd already been to the comedy store earlier and done one. And they went back to the comedy store for the late the late show.

So they'd do three or four gigs. And my problem with that, I never, it was never a problem because I never got to that level. Obviously.

However, I don't think I'd have enjoyed that. I really don't. I don't.

It sounds to me more like work. And maybe I'm being a little bit naive. And it is I mean, the people that succeed income, well, I think people that succeed in anything, take it seriously.

And they work really, really, really hard. You know, you don't you don't just turn up and play around. It's I think some people can, but they're probably not going to succeed beyond a certain level.

And there was one comedian that was really good at ad libbing. I won't say his name, but he did get on telly for a little bit. It's not anyone that I've mentioned before, by the way.

And he used to, he used to compare and he'd like, he was a big, big name on the circuit. And I remember hearing other comedians talking about him, saying how he was just going to go on stage and he wasn't going to do any material at all and just mess around. And they didn't.

So I don't know all the comedians like that, because they were so disciplined and they'd spend, you know, all day writing material and then doing the gig in the evening. And then like, it's almost like a research paper, like which one worked, how can it fit in with the next joke? And, you know, it's a huge amount of work involved in it for successful ones. So when someone comes along and they can just naturally do it almost effortlessly, it's got to be annoying, I guess.

However, I think in a lot of occasions, those that look like they just do it naturally and easily are the ones that behind the scenes are putting in the most work. And I'll give you an example. Daniel Kitson, he'd go on stage and you'd, he won the Perrier Award to Edinburgh, the Edinburgh Festival, back in 2002, 2003.

And he gave it back. He didn't want it. I think, if I remember rightly, he might have kept it.

I can't miss. I made that a bit up. But I used to know him for about four years.

And he used to go on stage and it looked like he just was making it up on the spot. Now he did ad lib. What I didn't realise is what a great writer he was.

And he actually carved out his own career as a comedian, but not doing the comedy circuits anymore. He used to do plays, one man plays, which was him doing comedy, but telling stories. And he travels all around the world doing it.

I don't know. Oh, yeah, another thing he does, he doesn't, he doesn't feel he doesn't let himself be filmed. Daniel Kitson, I was going to put him up.

Daniel Kitson, born 2nd of July 1977. So yeah, 2001, I was nominated for the Perry Award, 2001. Okay, trying to feel which one, which one did he win then? So he got nominated in April 2001.

He could be seen at Up the Creek, often alongside Jimmy Carr. That was random. Why would they do that? Why did they mention that? It makes you think, ah, makes you think that the person who wrote this, because Jimmy Carr and Daniel Kitson had the same management for quite a while.

And their management, see, this is, it's not my claim to fame, to be honest. My claim to fame is me. But for those of you that know Jimmy Carr, and knows who he is, his manager, his management company was called the Comedy Cafe.

Now the comedy, it's called a Comedy Cafe management. Let me have a look. Let me have a look.

Comedy Cafe, early life, does it say in here? Me, me, me, me. Okay, so, okay. He's, basically what happened is this, this girl, well, she was very young, called Hannah.

She just, I don't know what she studied, but she just finished university. And she was, she was a waitress at the Comedy Cafe, the comedy club that I was involved with. And when I started DJing there, I got to know her a bit.

And together with Noel, my friend, they started a talent agency, or not talent agency. What do they call it? Agency. What do they call it? You know, basically, they had quite a few different comedians.

So she, he's now, his agency is Hannah Chambers Agency. I won't go into details. I don't want to get sued.

So Hannah, management, that's it. So Hannah Chambers Management. She originally, with my friend Noel, they had the, what am I doing? Yeah, they did it together.

So basically, she was, she was a really big, go get her and knew her stuff. And she was definitely going to be successful. And she was, and she is.

And Daniel Kitson was part of the agency and it was run from upstairs above the comedy club. So I used to see them quite regularly. And also realized that Jimmy Carr was going to be hugely successful.

Because of how focused he was. He was all about a career. It's all about being the best he could be and going on to bigger and better things.

And I don't know how many different acts they've got now. I don't know. Still got Jimmy Carr.

Just have a look at a different acts. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12, 13, 14, 15. Got 15.

I recognize a few of them. Okay, cool. So vacancies, I don't think she'd give me a job.

So Chambers Management. So let's say what, let's say what it says about our clients look after a number of artists about us, about meet the, okay, meet the team. I want to meet the team.

Meet the team. That's it. Hannah.

Hannah has been the forefront of comedy management, at the forefront of comedy management since 1998. Which is true. And has overseen the success of a range of artists over the past 25 years.

Which is also true. She has overall responsibility for managing most artists careers with a particular focus on television and film and in-house production and distribution of comedy specials. Katie.

I tell you, I don't know her name. But there was this Katie. Okay, she can't be with her anymore.

Or maybe Ming. 2004. No.

She's been managing accounts. No, maybe. But she looked almost like Hannah.

It's like she was a sister. So that same look, it was really strange. It was, they didn't look identical.

So when you looked at them, they were different, different desks. And one did look different from the other one. But they look very similar.

It was eerie, in a good way. It was both, but just looked similar. It's a bit like if Brad Pitt was sitting here, you look at him, you look at me.

And you probably go back to looking at him and hope that I went left the building. Yeah, that's not the same at all. So yeah.

I have a story for you, but I won't tell you it. Oh, my back. Oh.

So yeah, I just, I think the point was sort of making was, there was a point there was, I don't know, the idea of doing the same thing every single night, because that were the comedians, you know, they do that, I build up to a 10 minute, and then I build up to a 20 minute. Again, expanding on jokes, new, new jokes, and just, you know, the thing is, having been around comedy, I was around for a decade, like full on around comedy for 10 years.

I've seen thousands of shows over that time.

And the amount of comedians that would be doing the same material, like constantly. I'm not talking about all the time, but just like they're, you know, you see them, some would change up, and they do some new stuff. You see them in six months time, they'll have a whole new act.

But some wouldn't. You see some that 10 years later, they're still doing the same stuff. Not exactly.

It's like, how on earth are you managing to do this? Can you hear that motorbike in the background? But then I realized that the reasons why a lot of comedians can get away with doing the same stuff over and over again. Firstly, they're going to different venues. But then they're coming back to the same venue, but it's a different audience.

So they might come back in four weeks time, different people there. The other thing is, a lot of the audiences had been drinking, so chances are they weren't going to remember the jokes anyway. So it's kind of, that's what I used to try and say about my DJ set.

The staff would moan, you're playing Abba again, you're playing Wham again. Surely Eileen has had enough cum. Stop that, this is a family friendly, come on Eileen was one of my favourite shows, not shows, songs.

But you know, just the beginning, everyone like, yeah, or the Wham one. You know, the beginning of come on Eileen, or trying to think. There's quite a few.

It's been a while since I did it. But the staff hated it. And I tried to explain to them like, yeah, but you don't realise you're listening to the same thing every night.

I did change it up. I didn't play the same songs in the same order every time. But the audience were different every night.

And by the time it got to 11 o'clock, when the disco was starting, most of the people were there to have fun. And they wanted to listen to some familiar song. They weren't there to listen to something they'd never heard before.

You know, it wasn't, that wasn't what they were after. They wanted to hear something, wanted a familiar tune. And regardless if you think this is sexist or not, it's not doesn't come from a sexist place, although I am quite sexy.

But if the women didn't dance, the men didn't dance. It's as simple as that. If the women didn't get up, the men didn't get up.

You know, there could be 50-50 single women, single men, you get some men would, but generally, they'd be on their own dancing on the floor. But the women would all get up. Not all of them, but you know, it'd be a crowd.

You wouldn't get the odd, you might get the odd one now and then, but if you play, and everyone just get up and it's happy. Apart from the staff, you see them in the background, like, oh, not again. Not ever again.

Yeah, but this isn't about you, is it? It's not for you. It's for them. Them.

I remember I got told off, so one of the managers said, yeah, you've got to play more modern music. So I did. I said, okay.

I think he gave me a CD of house music or something. Okay. Within 10 minutes, pretty much everyone had left.

It was half full before, and then everyone just like, because that's not what they want, you know, but I think the staff wanted people to go. They just want to go home. And one of the problems with, there's a certain level where people just stop buying drinks and they're just too drunk.

They're dancing and like, well, we're not making any more money from them. Let's kick them out. To me, that's just a bit rude because if you're open till two o'clock, stay open till two o'clock.

Really, even though I wanted to go home as well, I still could see the customer's perspective because, okay, they're not buying any drinks now, but they've just dumped a hell of a lot of money out of their salary for the week on that night out with the food, travel, you know, all that stuff. It's not a cheap night out. So just because it's like, well, if you go to a restaurant, will you not eat?

They do, don't they? They give you a slot in restaurants sometimes.

You can, a seat in time and you need to be out. I mean, that just doesn't seem fine. I think personally, here's what I think.

I think the chairs should be attached to the floor and you should be allowed to eat your food and stay there until it's time to stand up, lift the lid up and sit back down in the toilet. You know, it converts to a toilet and do a poo. So it seems that when the food's turned into a poo, then that's the right time.

Okay, we can leave now. I'm just thinking, I'm not sure if I'd like to sit next to someone doing that if I was eating. It would be funny, but I don't know if I'd enjoy it because they are a bit of an echo chamber, aren't they? Why? I don't, I never got that.

Why would you have the echo-iest room in the house be the bathroom? Why would that have to be the most echo-iest room? The one place where you make sounds that you don't necessarily want everyone else in the building to hear. And then in the most echo-iest house, room rather, in the house, they put a cave, an upside down cave or a standing up cave which creates even more echo and vibration.

It's, it is literally like a trumpet, isn't it? Like a bum trumpet.

Well, that was weird. Just as I was coming to the end of the recording, I get a phone call from someone that, someone I know, that clearly they've pocket dialed me, pocket dialed, and I'm hearing them talking, but not to me. Oh, okay.

I listened for a little while, but I thought, oh, should I continue listening or should I hang up or? Hmm. So I, no, I just hung up in the end. That was a really boring story, wasn't it? As a, I was semi-excited at the beginning and then it just turned into, went a bit floppy, didn't it? So I'm gonna go.

I think this is the end of this particular recording. So thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself and be gentle with yourself because you do deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye. All that talking about toilets.

I need to go to the toilet now.