(no music) #1089 Leave the door alone - Let Me Bore You To Sleep - (26th March 2024)

Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name is Jason Dooland and I'm going to bore you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes and maybe when we're finished listening to me you can enjoy eating a pie.

I don't know that didn't quite work out the way I thought it would. I really thought when I started that song that I'd become a star. An overnight star.

He just composed a song out of nowhere. That really, really is talented. So anyway, hello, hi, hey, whoa, eee.

How you doing? How's it going? You okay? Is your, is your okay? That's nice. I'm tired. I've been tired today.

It happens sometimes. Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I'm not tired.

You know, it just depends, I guess. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Various things.

So what I've been doing today is I woke up, Vinnie woke me up very early, very, very early in the morning. And, or did I? Yeah. Well, I say early, it was about 10 to five or something, I think.

I think. I don't, I can't, I lose track of when he wakes me up. But, or it might have been this morning, maybe later on.

It was whining because he wanted to go out. But I woke up, I always kind of look forward to getting up in the morning because it means I can be tired all day. And that means I can get on and do the stuff I need to do, which generally is the editing.

So I recorded, I made the recording the night before, the day before. And then when I wake up, I start editing the recording. And then, then it's a case of processing and editing, editing, editing, editing, and then creating the image, uploading, and eventually sharing it.

So that process takes a couple of hours. And it's, even though it's a lot of work, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun,

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it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of fun, it's joys of creating podcasts and videos aimed at helping listeners find peace and relaxation.

I sound like quite a decent person, don't I, when it's written like this? Whether discussing the mundane like a grumbling stomach or the more profound aspects of life with bipolar disorder and the importance of medication, Jason's narrative weaves together themes of kindness, consideration, and the universal quest for tranquility.

Really? You got all that from me mumbling on? Wow, okay. So close your eyes. Oh, hey, blow me nose.

Sorry. Close your eyes. That's why it's good isn't it on video? Close your eyes.

Only if you're not driving. So only close your eyes. Close.

So close your eyes. Only if you're not dry. Okay.

That makes sense. Let the day's stress melt away and let Jason's Jason bore you to sleep with his unique blend of storytelling and reflections on life. I mean, that's an it's an AI summarizing the podcast.

It's not me summarizing it. Because if it was me summarizing it would just be Yeah, I talked about some stuff, but I don't know what it was. Yeah.

Because I don't know what I talked about. I did make a video yesterday, but I didn't upload it in the end. I've chosen not to do that.

Because if I'm honest, I don't like to be honest. And you know, I do enjoy lying. If I was to be honest, I don't like being filmed anymore.

Don't like being on camera. I'm not sure if I liked it before. I think I must have done because I did it for long enough.

But now, after so many years of not redoing it, like regularly being on camera, you know, not really, not really so keen. Not so not so, you know. And I might not be doing any more videos on camera.

Anyway. And so had a had a weird thing. This is this is.

First of all, I just want to say I did reply to everyone. I tried to reply to everyone that sent me PayPal gifts. I hope I did send some emails and some Facebook messages.

If I did miss anyone or you didn't get a message, I did send it just you didn't receive it. And I don't know why I just messed up somehow. But you know, thank you to everyone.

Got a bit of a pickle this week. And last week rather Thursday, and I was able to get out of it. Thanks to you.

So thank you. And because this this service I do, there's no money coming in. There's I've got there are adverts on the Spreaker podcast.

Okay. But because I used to be the Spreaker videos, videos, podcasts aren't really listened to so much. And it's very, it's more was a weird noise.

It just went pop statistics wise. I mean, yesterday was yesterday Sunday. So Saturday 44 plays in total.

Sunday 168 today so far 84 plays that's across all of the podcasts that I've got on there. The ones about music so 123456789 1011 1234 in 56 1718 19 different podcasts. And they are monetized.

But as I'm sure you can probably figure out that there's no money really is practically it the money from that doesn't even cover the cost of the cost of the podcast. So yesterday today so far 32 cents in advertising 49 cents yesterday. The day before 20 cents.

It's American cents, cents or cents. 40 to 50 day before they fall that 20 or 3025 is size 1234. There's been four days where it's just hit the one $1 or more in last 30 days.

One day I got to $2 75 Wow. And that was for 844 advert impressions. And it's 571 plays.

So there's nothing coming in from that. It's just that's almost up is this really no point even have an adverts that's tiny amount coming in. And these these podcasts are being listened to obviously not not much, but they're spread around the different podcast hosts specifically because they've got no music.

And since I've had this channel statistics, if I go all time, blimey, Vinnie, the last 12 months, I've had 1.9 million on this channel on the speaker. And oh, you want it for you wouldn't even believe this if I show you I'm gonna tell you anyway. So it's just under I've got 14.95 million.

So 14,951,000 all together on speaker plays or downloads since 2018 I think. Anyway, so last March, not this March, but last March 94,000 plays, which is a bit more than the 5000 so far this much. Okay, stop that.

Okay. April last year 327,475 plays, no 328,731. May 279,000.

June 279,600. July last year 266.2,000. August 303,180. September, that's 238,500.

Now, it's saying total, but actually, what I got was 200. Okay, yeah, that's right. 238,433.

That's when they decided that I couldn't have recordings of music. October 81,844. You see the drop like straight away.

And they deleted a lot of my stuff. 82,154. November 529.

You see the drop literally from September 238,500. October 82,529. Just 529.

November, December. So that's when I started uploading the recordings again. And taking off once I took all of the recordings of music, deleted all those, trying to get them off before, trying to save them as well.

And then since then, December 6,094. January this year 5,675. February 16,800.

March 5,671. So far, there's what, a few days left of March, isn't there? Another six days. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Yes, six days. I mean, wow. Wow.

And the March, I don't know if that'd even show. If I did from, oh, it only lets me do the year. No, it doesn't let me go back more than a year because of the plan I'm on.

42 total live plays out of the 14.95 million. So yes, it's a bit weird. It's a bit weird.

It's hard to really explain in terms without swearing the disappointment in how it went. I mean, I'm kind of feeling okay because the podcasts have grown back, you know, not to, well, I don't know. I don't know what level they are now because it was easier because everything was on one platform and I could just check everything total, you know.

So for example, it was August. I could just see, yeah, it was 303,000 total, which is about, what, 10,000 a day, isn't it? Just over 10,000 a day. For 30 days, 300,000.

So I might be getting that. I might be getting more. I might be getting less.

It's hard to work out because I have to go on to each and every podcast. And because I've only had them since October, I really need to sort of let it go a year before I can get a real idea of where they are. And I know that the Let Me Bore You To Sleep is, I don't know why, I don't know why, but for some reason, the Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcast, I'm getting more plays than I used to get on a daily basis.

And I didn't used to get, well, the last week, if I look for the last 30 days, okay, last 30 days, 91,483. I never used to get that amount, I don't think, just on the Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcast. Genuinely, I wouldn't get 91,000.

I mean, they're spread on other podcasts, they would play, and there'd be probably over 100,000, you know, because they shared another podcast, but just on this one podcast. So it might just be because they're on less podcasts. And this is one of the only places you can get to see them or speak, you know, to listen, maybe, I don't know.

But it's, it's nice, but I just like, I wish I knew, kind of. And I don't, the stats aren't, aren't as clear to me as I'd like them to be. So there's, you know, this is 30 days for this podcast, and it's like, okay, 91,000 or whatever, then the most popular recording was 10 hours, number 1,082, I Need Burping.

Which is weird, because it was only a few days ago, that one, 17th of March. And the top places in the, in the world that are listening, again, this doesn't make sense, really. But Denver, Sunderland, Atlanta, South Shields, Dixon, Greenville, Poole, Lake Worth, Bogota, which is in Columbia, Columbia, yeah.

Bogota, Chocopee, Worcester, Boardman, Liverpool, Brussels, Lake Charles, New York, Northington, Huntington Beach, Hackney, Manchester, Port Washington, Appleton, Tel Aviv, Ashburn, Salt Lake City, San Clemente, Dallas, Melbourne, Orlando, Oslo, Phoenix, Frisco, San Jose, Adelaide, St. Nance, Houston, Walton-on-Temple, this is never ending, sorry about this, Chiang Mai, Glasgow, Flagstaff, Leeds, Bangkok, Birmingham, Paris, Walton-on-Thames, loads, everywhere except where I live, no one, no one where I live listens, which is, it's okay.

United States of America, 49.5 thousand, United Kingdom, 28.5 thousand. That's out of the 91, so what's that, 50, 60, 70, okay.

Columbia third, Israel fourth, Australia fifth, Canada sixth, Belgium seventh, France eighth, Germany ninth, ten, Thailand, Norway, Turkey, Spain, New Zealand. So that's, that's not strange, but in the past it always used to be like United Kingdom, like the United States first, United Kingdom, and then Australia, and then New Zealand, Canada, and yeah, South Africa. That quite often was the order of, not necessarily the order, but they were kind of in the top one, two, three, four, five, or six, and this month, Columbia and Israel has been in the top five.

So hello anyone in Israel or Columbia, how you doing? And overall though, in the, since October, United Kingdom above United States, Andover is the most popular place that people listened. So I can't believe it that many people listened in Andover. So I'm guessing it's the, again, people using the old, the, the internet thing, so you can't see where people are from.

So it's not really given a correct signposting, that's what I'm thinking. But United Kingdom, United States, Canada, Australia, Germany, Turkey, Brunei, Columbia, Belgium, South Africa, France, Norway, Israel, Brazil, Malaysia, New Zealand, Thailand, Philippines, Spain, Iraq, Ireland, Japan, Finland, Italy, Sweden, Peru, Puerto Rico, Denmark, Jordan, Switzerland, Netherlands, India, Indonesia, Costa Rica, Saudi Arabia, Austria, Mexico, Cambodia, Argentina, Egypt, Hungary, Russian Federation, Hong Kong, Poland, United Arab Emirates, I always said Emirates as Emirates, United Arab Emirates, Pakistan, Venezuela, Chile or chill, Vietnam, Mauritius, Singapore.

Oh, by the way, so yeah, shrinking the open university course.

I'll talk about that in a minute. I said this before, but I just thank you to anyone, wherever you are, for listening. Because without you, there'd be no me.

And by that, I don't mean you're making me up in your mind, I do actually exist. But, but there'd be no reason for me. So if ever you want me to stop doing this, just stop listening.

And I'll, I will continue anyway, to be honest. But I do appreciate it. And I realize there's people from all over the world listening.

And I just think that's cool. It's really groovy. And maybe one day I can come and visit you all do my little world tour.

So there's probably like three people in each country. So I could we could all just meet in a restaurant or something. So just travel around.

Ideally, actually, we could meet in the airport. So meet you in the airport of each country. And then so I could just not have to leave the country.

I suppose, as far as I'm concerned, even if I don't actually leave the airport, I'm still in that country. That's why I think I know, technically, yeah, that's what I think anyway. So always an airport, a neutral place is an airport, not a country.

Because it's a place where you go from place to place. And you're not actually if you're in, for example, I went to where to go to? Yeah. So if you stop over, let's say if you're going to Canada, for example, and you go from Sweden, and you stop at New York Airport, you don't need the airport, then you get another plane that takes you to Canada.

Can you say that you spent time in America? You visited America? I don't know how it works. Because or is that a neutral place? Is that not classed as America? But it's in America. No, it's in New York.

I'm guessing New York has an airport. I don't know. I think I think they do that.

I was thinking New York has been like a little like a little place. And that's because of the movies. It's always like a movies and your little areas and the bars and stuff and pretty sure it's huge.

It's just in is probably massive, isn't it? Is it bigger than London? Is it a lot different from London? I reckon it would be. Is it busy? Does it get busy? I'm asking that like everyone would know. I imagine everywhere gets busy sometimes.

Even around here gets busy. And there's, there's not much going on around here. I thought the schools be closed today.

Because it's Easter the weekend. And usually the week before Easter, the schools closed. So what they do in a closed on Wednesday.

Surely they won't be open Good Friday, which is this Friday coming. So how does that work? Anyone? I'm waiting anyone. So I'll have to figure a way of doing some kind of I'd like to do a survey and just ask everyone that listens regularly listens regularly to just put down where they're from, and where they're listening from.

And maybe how often they listen, something like that. But because I did it on my Facebook page, and it was a very, I think I did one like where you from and people did answer. But there's only 133 people on my private Facebook page.

So you can join it by the way, if you're interested. It's what's it called? It's not called my private Facebook page is called Jason Newlands boring group. But 153 people did as 133 153 not a lot of difference.

So it's a tiny, tiny amount of people. But if you would like to join and be part of the group, and I'm not really selling it to you, because there's probably not a lot of reason to do it. But it just, it's kind of like a place for my don't know the word fans, but people that like what I do that follow what I do.

And there are, I guess, invested in what I do. They care. And that's what that place is for the Jason Newlands boring group.

It's a place of people that appreciate what I do. And I don't know, you haven't got to be part of the group to appreciate what I do. And you haven't got appreciate what I do either.

I don't think I would. This is just why why would anyone listen to me talking but anyway, it's that's my group so you can join it's free. It's free.

And it's if you're not sure if it's the right place, basically, it says Jason's Jason Newlands boring group at the top on a banner with a little join now button, which if you click it does nothing. This is just an image. There's a picture of a desk with Vinnie sitting behind a computer screen.

And there's another little picture of Andre on the floor. So you know, it's the two little babies, my two little babies in one picture. And so that is, that's my group.

So you know, it'd be nice to grow it to a few 1000 really, if so even if you if you if you listen for the first time, or if you're not even listening, just join anyway, just it looks good. It looks like I've got followers when no one actually listens. I mean, most of my stats is me I listened all day long.

I do I travel around the country travel around the world. Just listening to my podcast. So I do all year all year.

Just keep traveling around. So it looks like I'm listening and get a lot got listeners from other countries. Yeah.

And it costs me like 200 grand a year. Yes, that's a really worthwhile, isn't it? So yeah, wherever you're listening from, welcome. And thank you genuinely.

Thank you. Whether it's Israel, or whether it's Iraq, whether it's Netherlands, Argentina, whether it's Vietnam, whether it's Russian Federation, whereas Egypt or New Zealand, Malaysia, United States of America, Australia, Germany, Brunei, South Africa, Norway, Brazil, Ireland, Japan, Finland, Netherlands, wherever it is, if I've missed out your country, I do apologize. So wherever you're listening from, welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

And now I'll stop. I'll stop. I'll stop.

I'll stop. I'll tell you what I noticed about flags. And I used to, I used to be quite into flags when I was younger.

Try to learn them. I had a book of flags. I'll tell you what I've noticed is quite a few the flags kind of similar, quite similar, like similar designs, even similar colors.

So for example, Ireland and Italy, very similar designs, green on the left, white in the middle. Italy's got red, Ireland's got yellow. So that's quite a similar kind of thing.

Japan is just white flag with a red circle in the middle. But then you've got, let's have a look. So you got Hungary.

So Hungary, stripes, three stripes down. So red is red, white and green might be orange, my eyesight. But then you go in Egypt is quite a similar flag, which different colors.

Australia, two red stripes with a white one in the middle across. Netherlands, same design, but from the looks of it, brown, white and blue stripes. And then you've got, they're all different to be honest.

I thought I saw similarities, but it's not really. They're just all different. I guess the similarities is that they're pretty much the same shape.

And they've got some of the colors are similar. So I suppose with Australia, you've got, you've got the Australians, the English flag is on the Australian flag. And with New Zealand, the English flag is on the New Zealand flag.

And I don't think the English flag is on any others. I think it might have been in the past, but I'm not getting involved in politics. New, new, new, new, new, new, new, new.

It's I remember when Australia got handed back to Australia, where England were no longer in charge. I remember that Australia handed back. I don't know in what possible Australia handed back 1986.

I do believe it was or 1987. Cricket World Cup final. No images of astronomy.

Maybe it was 1986. You'd think that Google was saying no, what about 86? No, 1986. Handback of Ulu-Aryu to the Angugu.

What? Handback of Ulu-Aryu to the Angugu people. Okay, so I don't know what that was about. I'm not sure.

Um, Ulu, what? I remember it being on the news. Maybe it was Japan then. Not Japan.

Hong Kong. I know. See, it just shows me geography.

I'm getting muddled. I'm getting confused between Australia and Hong Kong. Both of those places, there was something that we handed back, handed something back and Australia, UK handed back Australia.

I don't know what it was. There's some kind of sovereignty or we were no longer, um, it's Hong Kong. Ah, where's Australia then? Australia Act 1986.

I know that Hong Kong, it was the end of a hundred years. I remember that because the event ended 156 years. Oh, 156 years of British rule in the former colony, which began in 1841.

Hong Kong was, right, so the handover of Hong Kong from the United Kingdom to the People's Republic of China, midnight, 1st of July, 1997. So what happened in Australia then? There was something. The Australian Act 1986.

See, the Uluru, so maybe that's what it is, the Uluru. Um, when, what the history of Australian independence could tell us. Okay.

Australian Act 1986. What happened? Okay. The process of amending these laws came to an end with the Australian Act of 1986, with appeals from state government to the Privy Council of the United Kingdom being disallowed.

What is the Australian Act 1986? It is the short title, excuse us, shouted in the garden yet again. I wonder why? I don't know. I must, um, I gotta stop putting those leaflets through the neighbours' doors to let them know that I'm making a podcast recording and could they just be quiet for an hour? Oh no, I said please come in the garden, shout.

I spoke, I was meant to put please be quiet. I put the wrong thing again, damn it. Oh, it's my fault.

The Australian Act 1986 is a short title of each of a pair of separate but related pieces of legislation. One, an Act of Parliament of Australia, the other an Act of Parliament of the United Kingdom. Okay, so these nearly identical Acts were passed by the two Parliaments because of uncertainty as to whether the Commonwealth Parliament alone had the ultimate authority to do so.

So basically, so it was a Commonwealth thing. The Commonwealth of Australia was formed in 1901 and 1982, 1901, 1975 and 85, New South, so the Australian Act 1986 proclaimed that it would come into force. The Australian Act ended all power.

Here's what I was looking for. The Australian Act ended all power of the UK Parliament to legislate with effect in Australia. That is, as part of the law of the Commonwealth, the state of territory.

So conversely, no future law of a state would be void. Because I think basically, we handed over law, power of law, whatever, back to Australia. And I've probably got it all wrong.

I'm sorry if I have. Please, please forgive me. Please, I beg of you, forgive me.

What the history of Australian independence could tell us and history of the independence. So is it gonna 1986? Yeah, give me a timeline. Give me a timeline, baby.

I don't even mind hearing people talking and shouting normally. But when I'm trying to record it, it's very, very, very annoying. UK handed back.

So what I'm gonna do is Australia independence independence 1986. March 3 1986. The Australian Act 1986 came to effect March 3 1986, granting Australia legal independence from the United Kingdom by removing the power of the Parliament of the United Kingdom to legislate with effect in Australia.

So it was a thing. See, I said it was. He didn't believe me.

And then I said about Hong Kong. Oh, he's getting muddled up between Hong Kong. That was 1987.

But Hong Kong being handed back to China after 156 years, although I did say 100 years to start with. And then you're like, oh, he doesn't even know the difference between Australia and Hong Kong. Well, you're right.

I still don't know the difference. But I was correct. I was correct.

Because these two things were being talked about on breakfast television. I just remember it. I remember it.

I do. I do. I do.

I do. I do. And it's quite a big thing.

Both on both cases. And I think I remember the Hong Kong one more. Because that was Yeah, because 156 years of Sorry, I'm just I don't know how noisy the screaming is on here, if you can hear it, or if it literally is just like little background ambient sound of like the birds in the attic, you know? Oh, here's something.

While I'm moaning, here's something I can't kind of surprise at this. My neighbor told me that she spoke to the council. And we can get done getting trouble for making holes in the front doors.

So we've been told we have to turn the cameras down. But take cameras down. So I got everyone cameras had to take them down.

And then then the lady, the council said something about you, you can't have you can't put holes in the door. You need to put holes in door to put the bracket on to put the camera on. And there's like four, four little holes.

It's not. And so we just use double sticky tape or something. Yeah, that's gonna be secure.

So just pull it off. You know, it's like just it's almost the I think the council person is a jobsworth. And it was almost like, from what I understand, she was trying to put a stop to every single thing that was asked.

And what was weird is that the neighbor that I'm talking about is she's, she had someone trying to get into a flat, and they caught him on the camera. It was caught on the camera and the trial is going to be going ahead at some point. Now that doesn't show that the cameras worthwhile.

I don't know what does. And I got the camera for her after it started happening. Someone's trying to kick a door and stuff.

Okay, kind of that happening. And so it's, it's weird. And then to be told that it put in it holes in the door could be clusters damage or it could What did she say something about could lose our tenancy for causing damage to council property could lose our tenancy could lose my home because of drilling some holes in a door in order to protect us.

So yeah, that was a weird one. So I have to wait and see what happens there. took Vinnie for a walk took him to the petrol station.

And on the way to the petrol station, like he does always he was playing up. And there's all these lorries really close to the pavement. And it's a very, very thin pavement.

And I'm not so thin. So I'm trying to avoid get as far away from the traffic as possible. And Vinnie screams and I've stood on him not something I stood on his foot.

I didn't mean to it was an accident. And he let me know. So I picked him up.

I gave him kisses or say sorry, and I carried him back to the to the petrol station. And then I'll make it a fuss of him. So what's your daddy done to you? Like it was an accident.

I didn't mean to he's just he walked. I mean, if anything, he tries to trip me up. I'm sure he does.

He just stops and just stands right in front of my feet. I have to watch him the whole time. And also without being rude.

It's better than I stand on him than trip because of a trip. It could really end up bad, you know, so it's better that if he just decides to stop right in front of me, then he's going to get trod on. I don't want to tread on him, obviously, but it's that's better than the alternative.

Because it wouldn't be good for either of us, you know, if I tripped over on such a small bit of concrete. With traffic and that, you know, but he seems to forgive me. And then we we got what did we get? I have some Weetabix, bought some Weetabix.

And just in case you're wondering, what did you buy? I mean, it's interesting to hear about the dog and, you know, he talked about the dog and a pavement. Is that like a sidewalk? No, it's a pavement. And you got to stop correcting other countries words.

Sorry, but it's a pavement. You're not everywhere, though, is it? Not pavement everywhere, is it? Well, zebra crossing. What's that? In other countries? Don't know.

What is what is zebra crossing? What's a zebra crossing in America, Canada, Australia? I'm guessing it'd be the same in Australia as it is here. Don't know why I just I do. I'm probably wrong.

I might be wrong. But I just assumed that a lot of things in Australia would be very similar to England. Because so many of the was a lot of English people moved to Australia, didn't they in the 50s and 60s and stuff.

So I'm just I'm guessing a lot of the things a lot of the stuff would be similar. I don't know. I watched Neighbours in Home and Away for a few years when I was younger.

That's my only old Prisoner's Cell Block H. I used to love that. B. And what was her name? I still even call her Neighbours. Mrs. Mangle.

Remember Mrs. Mangle? Mrs. Mangle. She was kind of like the Doc Cotton of EastEnders. She was like, like that kind of busybody, gossipy, and troublemaker kind of, you know, curtain twitcher kind of thing.

Mrs. Mangle. Wow. Home and Away.

I preferred, I think what Home and Away had more than Neighbours had, is Neighbours seemed a little bit stuck in like the suburbs. And although it was bright, and it was sunny and all that stuff, Home and Away were on a beach, and there was a lot of beach, a lot of like beach scenes, which was nice to see, you know, especially watching that in the winter of this windy, wet, damp country that I live in.

It was almost like a fantasy to be living somewhere that was, had nice weather.

And we have nice weather in the summer sometimes, but it's, I think, I mean, there are beautiful parts of this country. There really are. I just don't live in one of them.

And so, I mean, it's not like a terrible place, but there's nothing, I don't live near a beach, and there's fields, but the fields, without sounding racist, the fields do all look alike. You know, they kind of just, it's another field, it's trees, and there's, you know, it's like, okay, Vinnie has just dropped one, it really stinks. He's acting like nothing happened.

But he's listening, I can always tell when he's listening, because he's got his ears down, like, it stinks, really smelly one. But he's been eating a bit more than usual. I'm not quite sure why.

I might have to get him checked out. And he might have worms. Oh, here's a weird one.

Earlier on, right, we were out, and he was just getting ready to go to the toilet. I can always tell when he's going to do a poo. I just, just know his movements and that.

Not the bowel movements. I mean, I always know when he's generally getting ready. It's just the way his back legs, when he just, like, walks, and his back legs go up a little bit extra higher, as he's sort of trying to find a nice spot.

And another dog's walking past, and he gets distracted, sees it, and starts running towards the dog. And even though he's running towards the dog, his bum is still, he's winking at me. It's twitching, like he needs to go to the toilet.

He's holding it in. It's like, come on, Vinnie. It's really, you need to go to the toilet.

No, I want to say hello. But you need, look, you need to go to the toilet now. This isn't a time to mess around.

You need to, to just, you know, do what you need to do. He said, I don't care. Didn't you? You're looking at me now.

He says, but I want to say hello to my friend. I said, yeah, but you need to do a poo. He said, a poo can wait.

I said, I don't think it's going to wait, mate. I think it's, I think it's on its way. I think you're about to give birth, honestly.

I think it's going to happen, and you need to get ready. He said, but I don't want to. I want to say hello to my friend.

I said, yeah, but you need to do the poo. He said, well, I know I need to do the poo. I can feel it.

It's waiting. It's almost, it's ready. I know it's ready.

It's, you know, it's knocking on the door, as it were. Knocking on heaven's door. You're knocking on the door.

Okay, knocking on the door, that's a bit of a weird one, isn't it? The inside door. Let me out. Knocking on the exit door, and it's like, oh, and I said to the people who was with the dog, I said, he needs a poo.

His bum's twitching at me. He's winking at me. I can see, I can see that he needs, and they walked off very quickly.

I don't know if I said the wrong thing, and he walked back into the grass, and he did it really quickly, because that's, he was holding it in. It's like, why? Just do it, and I don't know if he's like, oh, I don't want it. He's embarrassed.

He doesn't want the other dog to see that he poos, but I was trying to say to him, we all poo, you know, even human beings. He said, no. I said, yeah.

He said, where did you, where do you do yours then? I never see you do yours. I do mine, would you do them in the bushes or what? I don't never see you do it. I said, oh, it's magic.

What do you mean? I said, well, it's a magic way that humans do it, but dogs, we do it in a park, but we do it magically. What do you mean, like with a magic wand? You put a wand in there, like, no, there's nothing goes in there. There's nothing weird.

It's just, it's a magic thing. I don't want to, don't want to tell you. Does it involve angel dust? I said, no, this is a different conversation.

I think you mean fairy dust. Fairy dust. What's the difference? I'm probably five years in prison.

It's a difference between angel dust and fairy dust. What do you mean? It doesn't matter. Look, it can be a bit of fairy dust, but that's not really what I mean by magic.

It just, it, you really want to know? Yeah, yeah, I do. I really do. I do.

I do. I do. I do.

Okay. Do you know when I go in that little room where the bath is? Yeah. You mean the bathroom? Yeah.

The bathroom. Um, and I sit down. Yeah.

It's really weird because whenever you sit down, there's always a weird smell. Always becomes smelly in there. I don't know.

You need to close the window or something. I don't know where it's must be coming in from outside, but it's, it's real weird. Like, I just, well, that seat, that seat is where I, that's, that's, that's where humans do it.

Do the toilet. What do you mean toilet? What you do when you're in the, in the, in the field or in the park, you know, when you're crouching down. You mean a glorious poo? Well, yeah.

I mean, you don't necessarily have to use the word glorious, but it is glorious. It feels glorious. It looks glorious.

It's a glorious exhibition of, of pooness and life and what it's like to be a dog. And it's just everything encompasses in it. And it's just, it makes me and all the other dogs feel alive.

So that's very poetic, but that thing I sit on, I don't want to get out of this conversation to be honest, but you know, that's, that's where we do it. It's where humans do it. No way.

I said, yeah. No. I said, yeah.

Yeah. No. I said, okay, listen, let's not just keep repeating ourselves.

He said, well, how does it work? I said, well, what do you mean? How does it work? Just the same as you. Yeah. But you don't sniff the grass first, do you? I always sniff the grass till I find a particular, a pungent bit of grass, which stimulates my, my, you know, never regions to start working and to proceed with the expulsion of said poo.

I said, well, it's a similar thing, but we just, we don't sniff, don't have to sniff the ground in order to do it. I said, well, how'd you do it then? It's just naturally, it's just like we go when we need to. Wow.

But I don't understand. What don't you understand? I never see you pick it up. Who picks it up for you? You pick up my poo, but who picks up your poo? I said, no, we don't have to pick it up.

That's wrong. It's against the law. You have to pick it up.

Everyone knows you have to pick it up. You moan when people don't pick it up. I've seen you.

Oh, why didn't they pick up the dirty buggers? That's what I hear when you talk. Don't pick it up. Okay, man.

All right. Okay. We don't pick it.

Humans don't have to pick it up because it, it, it's the magic. It disappears. It goes and it just, it gets taken away.

Where? Magic. As you said, angel dust. So it just takes it away.

Fairy dust. How? I don't know. Just, it just, just goes.

How? Asking me the same question over and over again is not going to get you a different answer. How? It just, it's a mechanical thing. It's a process and it just gets flushed away.

Which just shows you by asking the same question over and over again can get a different answer. Yeah, right. Um, and that's it.

It flushes away. It's already done. I don't know quite how it all works, but it involves water and it's like magic really.

So why have you kept this a secret then? It's not really a secret. I just never discussed it with you. And why is that? It's because you're a dog.

You don't speak English. You go woof woof. There's no way of communicating with you.

Why would I tell you about a toilet and how it works? He said, that's, that's a good point, actually, to be honest. That is a good point. I said, thank you.

So can we just move on from this when there's no point talking when we can't talk, like, you know, pretending we're having a conversation. It's just silly. It's just immature.

There's no point to it. I just don't know why you're doing it. Why you want to do it? Why? I said, okay, fair enough.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

The cold never bothered me anyway. Love that song. Love it.

So yeah, another hour of talking about nothing. Hard to believe. Yes, I'm just working.

I haven't really done much today, to be honest. I've been out, saw someone out, then I saw another person out, who came back, had a chat. And he went, and then I did this.

And now, I don't know, I'm just gonna get something to eat, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

That's right. So hopefully tomorrow will be a, it'll be something. I don't know what.

I'm so tired. I could just fall asleep. In fact, I might do.

In fact, I did earlier on. I did fall asleep. Right, I'm gonna go.

Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself. Remember, remember to be gentle with yourself, because you deserve to be happy.

Kind and gentle. Give it a go. And I will speak to you again tomorrow.

Lots of love. Bye.