#944 P-P-Pick up a penguin Let me bore you to sleep (Jason Newland) (29th December 2022)

Hello and welcome to Let Me Bore You To Sleep. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

I'm just looking over and Vinnie's looking very cute asleep or half asleep so I might take a little picture. Oh that's a picture of me, that's not good. How do I make it bigger? Oh, that's the one.

Oh yeah, I might use that as the picture of the podcast. Not a clear picture, it's like a magnified picture. I'm not quite sure how it's going to come out.

Let's have a look. Anyway, I hope you're well. Oh dear, dear.

Yeah, it might be able to, it's possible that it could come alright. He's a cutie. I tell you what's weird, well it's not weird but about an hour and a half ago, an hour ago, I had his former mum come round.

With, who is also the breeder, the person who bred him, who actually gave birth to him, well helped. Okay, he didn't give birth to him but he was the owner of the mother dog. So he was the owner of Vinnie's mum, you know, biological mother.

And apparently Vinnie was born backwards. That's what I was told at school actually, I was told I was backwards. But he was actually born back to front or whatever.

I don't mean that his face is where his arse should be. I don't mean, you know what I mean, back, back, I guess back first or head first or whatever the opposite is to what it should be. I don't know.

When I'm thinking, when I'm thinking about it, I'm thinking about a cow being born. So I don't really know how dogs work. Dogs, do dogs give birth the same way? I don't know.

Do they have eggs? Do they have eggs? Dogs don't lay eggs do they? No. So, however, when he hatched anyway, he was back to front and, and the man that came around, he said he had to actually help with the birth. And he was the only pup.

There was no litter. He was the only pup, which was, it's quite unusual. Also, I saw the, I haven't got the pictures, but when I get the pictures, I'm going to put them online, put them on Facebook or something.

His, his dad, because there's a picture of him and his, his, his mum and his dad, literally just before they got romantic. And his dad was a thoroughbred, like a proper, apparently won awards and stuff. So he's a pure Jack Russell, because he doesn't look like a pure Jack Russell, because he's red.

And he's got white underneath himself. And his mum had that, his white, his mum was white underneath. But his dad had a red head.

So his face looks the same as his dad's. But the whole of his body is the same colour as his face. So he's quite an unusual colour.

And he's got brothers and sisters, not, not from the same litter, but one was blue. It was a blue one, like that his dad had had earlier on. So yeah, I don't know much about dogs, I'll be honest with you.

He's, he's, but they came round because I went out to the chip van and I saw the, the daughter of the person that had been, the lady that had been looking after him. Before I got in, I didn't realise that she was with the breeder. She was, you know, she, she knew Vinnie right from being born.

Before his eyes, I've seen pictures of him where his eyes weren't even open yet. And Vinnie went crazy, like, just hadn't seen her for quite a while, I guess, a few weeks. And he was, he absolutely loved it.

It was quite funny, actually, because when we was upstairs, they came up because they thought that maybe I was having problems with him. But I just said, I'm not, just wanted to check that he was, I was okay with him and stuff. But yeah, we're getting on alright.

He's, he's a handful, but I guess so am I. It was funny, they came in. And at one point there was her, her son-in-law, and her son was actually sitting on the other chair over there. I'm pointing, obviously you can't see where I'm pointing.

And initially Vinnie was all over her. Absolutely, because he loves her to bits. And then he was playing with him.

And then at one point, he actually came and he sat down by my leg and just stayed there. So it's almost that he knows where his place is almost or where he's, who his dad is now. He actually stood, he didn't sort of stay with me the whole time, but he, he sat right leaning against my leg after sort of making a fuss of the other two.

But there was one point where he was lying on his back, Vinnie made a fuss off by the man who basically helped him give birth to him. And he wee'd, he squirted wee up, he got so excited. He was having his tummy rubbed.

He got so excited, he wee'd in the air, like a little, I don't know, not waterfall, but a big, big stream of wee. It was funny. It went all over his hand, he had to wash his hands.

He did it once with me. I think it was when, what was it? I went out and I left him for, I left him for a couple of hours and came back and he got all excited and he wee'd, wee'd on my hand, but he was just so excited to see me. And he doesn't, he doesn't go inside, but it's just like normal, isn't it? It's just, you get excited.

We all wee a little bit when we get excited, don't we? Maybe not. I can't remember the last time I actually got excited. Okay, it's different levels, different levels of excitement.

You know, I've been excited for different, you know, that kind of like absolute frenzy of excitement. No, maybe, I'm trying to think, I remember when I was about seven or eight years old and I went on a date and my dad woke me up and I had a date with this girl from school and we were going to the cinema and it was a matinee. So it was in the morning, two movies.

I can't remember what movies they were. And then we came, I think, then I went back to her house and her, we had some chips and stuff at her house and I think we kissed under the table. So, no, I know we kissed under the table.

That's why we think, because I remember it. I don't remember it like really clearly because it was a heck of a long time ago, but it was pretty much my first ever date. And I was eight years old.

I mean, a proper, you know, I went, walked, you know, I think she lived around the corner. She wasn't far. So I picked her up.

We might got a lift into town, but it wasn't far to walk to town. It's only 15 minutes or whatever. So we probably just walked into town, might got a lift.

Can't remember. I didn't have a private jet back then. Private jet.

And we went to the cinema. It was brilliant. But I remember waking up that morning and my dad woke me up because I had to get up early to be ready, you know, to go on my date.

And I remember grabbing him and just like holding onto his neck and giving the biggest hug. I was so excited. I was so pleased to be alive.

It was weird. It's like really full of absolute bliss. And I was so happy to see my dad and I gave him the biggest hug and he was like, get off me, get off me.

I like you as a friend, just get off. And I was like, you know, I was just so happy to be going out and having my first ever date. And it all went perfect.

It really did. As far as I remember, it went great. And I'm not sure what happened to that relationship.

I'm not sure quite what happened. We, because I moved from that house and from that area, I went to a different from the school as well. So everything changed.

I was no longer near anybody that I was used to being there. And even though I lived in a small town, when you're little, a small town still big, isn't it? So I was, I couldn't just wander around on my own at eight years old or nine years old. I'm going to walk up and to the other side of town to see more buddies.

No. So yeah, I lost contact. So I don't remember this, this vague memory of me and her falling out.

It might have been over a packet of crisps or something like that. And maybe she I didn't share my crisps or I wouldn't swap my crisps for a penguin chocolate bar because I didn't want the penguins. I didn't like penguin chocolate bars.

I didn't actually like them. I just kept getting them in my lunchbox. When I say lunchbox, not a euphemism.

I mean, it actually was a little box with my lunch in it. So I didn't like the sandwiches. But I'd eat them.

But it's like sometimes I'd like them if it was like cheese, but if it was meat spread, I didn't like meat spread. I did like bananas. I do do like a banana.

I really enjoyed the packet of crisps. If I got a packet of crisps. And back then, because we're talking, you know, 1978, there used to be these crisps that you could get, where there was a little they were like plain.

I don't know why they did this, to be honest. But there was a plain crisps. But they had this little I think it was a little blue square packet that had salt in it.

And you'd rip off the top and you'd sprinkle the salt into the packet. Why? I mean, why? If you wanted plain crisps, just buy plain crisps. If you wanted salted crisps, buy salted crisps.

I didn't really understand it. It seemed a bit too much preparation for me. You know, I just wanted to put them in my mouth and eat them.

I didn't want to. I didn't want it to be a puzzle. I wasn't interested in puzzles.

Because you know, sometimes they were hard to open. If it was cold, or if they got wet, it was damp outside, because I'd be outside and I was eating quite often during break time. I can't remember what they called those crisps.

I also remember those ones. I think Wotsits were about them as well. And squares.

But I used to have a chocolate bar as well. But it was like a little chocolate bar. But often, see, I didn't like penguins.

I still, not, not the animal. I think penguins are lovely. The animals.

Much smaller than they look on telly. In real life, much smaller. I was quite surprised.

I thought they were the sizes of humans. But they're quite little. Not really, perhaps, relevant to the story of my first date.

But, but the chocolate bar was called penguins. There was another one called Puffin. And, I don't know what happened to that one.

I don't even know if the penguin chocolate bars are still around. They used to be adverts. P-p-p-p-p-pick up a penguin.

P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pick a pig. Yeah, something like that. and the puffin was puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puff-puffing or I dunno.

So yeah I didn't like it, especially in the summer, because it'd melt. A very melty experience. Very sticky, chocolaty, covered fingers.

see yeah and you know I was eight years old so I never washed my hands ever if at all possible yeah it wasn't good I don't remember what kind of chocolate bars I did like I like Twix's because I think they used to do the one fingers I know some people like two fingers Kit Kats as well you got two fingers some people prefer four fingers and two fingers I think for an eight-year-old two fingers is enough but as I got older I could definitely I can handle four fingers nice cup of coffee okay actually

I think with a Kit Kat cup of tea is better than a cup of coffee there's a kind of bitterness with coffee isn't there mind you it can work I mean I used to dip them I should dip them into into the tea or coffee which would then turn the coffee sweeter anyway from the chocolate the one thing though the one thing I didn't like and I was surprised didn't I wasn't turned on by the the dark chocolate Kit Kats no I really wasn't and when I was away recently I actually had I think it

was a dark chocolate Mars bar was it a Mars bar or was it a crunchy I think it was a Mars bar a dark chocolate Mars bar awful absolutely awful doesn't work now you might be thinking oh I'm prejudiced against dark chocolate I'm not I actually quite like dark chocolate but not I suppose I spent so many years eating Kit Kats now I don't spend a lot of time eating Kit Kats I'm saying but my whole pretty much my whole life Kit Kats have been milk chocolate and Mars bars again milk chocolate so to start

turning dark chocolate just didn't work for me didn't feel right it's it's a little bit like if someone gave you a cup of coffee and there was some frozen peas in there it's like no it doesn't go I mean it's nothing like that but I'm saying it's it's it's a different experience but do quite like dark chocolates if it's all dark chocolate if that's what it is you know like proper high is a high cocoa percentage or whatever cocaine cacao whatever that can be nice but again I can't eat too much of it to be

honest and it's not the same as milk chocolate but it's nice now and then I tell you the things I quite like used to get them years ago especially around Christmas time when I was a kid I'd often get chocolates and sweets and you know I know so like caramel chocolates and boxes of orange chocolates and mint chocolates and coffee chocolates and stuff like that I get lots and lots of that kind of stuff it's brilliant it really was I okay I probably explained why I've only got two teeth left but it's one of those

is in me bum it's it's still it's not why did I say that I don't know I'm hoping to get a girlfriend and maybe get married and one day but keep telling people stuff like that it's not gonna help is it it's not gonna go in my favor it's definitely not first date conversation not that this is a first date obviously because it's not is it no it's not a date at all can you imagine having a date with me and just me talking you'd make an excuse when you're to leave I have to get

my I have to stretch my back a bit sorry about this this chair is very uncomfortable as soon as I get as soon as I get this room sorted out I'm possibly just gonna chuck this chair away it's broken it doesn't work and it's uncomfortable I don't like it I tell you what I would like just a normal office chair just something that you know I used to sit in for eight hours a day when I was in a call center it's something like that that was comfortable it's comfortable enough sit in it for a

few hours no problems you know go get up have a break sit down for a few hours have my lunch then sit down you know and it's fine that's kind of what I need so I might go to the furniture there's a second-hand store it actually raises money for two one's a heart foundation and one's a charity that raises money for homeless people and I'd actually give homeless people work and I think they let them in the building I think and they have a lot of furniture from you know offices office furniture and stuff like

that so I might look into that this next week not this week we've only got tomorrow left really of this week Friday and then Saturday's Christmas nope New Year's Eve and then Sunday's New Year's Day I know technically New Year's Eve isn't a holiday you know the actual day itself but you know I kind of feel that people should be allowed to just I don't have a short day on New Year's Eve not everyone obviously you know it's certain services that can't just be shut down because of a holiday but it's I think it'd be

nice just to have a half day because you know let people go home and get ready to go out I think it'd be nice just to let people you know finish early go home relax and then go out for the evening and celebrate the New Year that makes sense to me it's not something that I personally do and haven't done for years but it is something that I used to do see my New Year's Eve I had a routine I mean when I was a kid New Year's Eve we used to see New Year's Eve

in together or the New Year's in together rather not the New Year's Eve we used to see the New Year and then we'd go to bed because I was a kid you know but we'd always I'd always wait up I say always but in my memory I was allowed to stay up to see the New Year in pretty much every year from the age of seven onwards before that I don't even remember I don't even remember New Year really but it would be a case of seeing the New Year in Merry Happy New Year and

then I'd go to bed get up those stairs right that'll be it and then New Year's Day would be kind of similar to Christmas Day without the presents you know big dinner and there'd be the same kind of stuff on telly the back in those days the early 80s 1980s in case anyone's listening to this in 60 years time or 150 years time because you know you might be thinking I'm talking about the 2080s I'm not nope although if you are listening 120 years time I'm still alive I'm still well I'm on my fourth body

16th brain so thanks to Elon Musk and AI so I I I I I I I so I had that when I was a kid used to celebrate New Year's doing that just seeing the New Year's in then as I got a little bit older and was living on my own from the age of 16 New Year's I don't remember New Year's Eve when I was 17 I think I think I think I think I saw the New Year's Eve on my own New 1987 when I was 17 no 1980 1987 Wow so I was

16 yeah 16 1987 I was living on my own then 1988 I'm trying to lose 1988 1987 then 1988 yeah I lose track but I know when I was 18 which would be 1989 no 1988 I was 18 1987 I was 17 like by the New Year's that's it so I'm 16 mostly until August that's where I was going wrong yeah so 1988 I was working in a pub the pubs demolished now I was called the fuck I remember it was called the it was it was a real drag end of it was pretty one

of the worst pubs in town the weird thing about it it was connected to a fairly nice hotel but the pub itself was just really it's just it wasn't nice wasn't a nice place and I'd only just turned 18 really I mean I've turned 18 end of August and I started working there in December the beginning of December maybe November so I hadn't I hadn't been there long yeah maybe November so Wow isn't that weird though no surely not I'm trying to sort of get my head around what year was what but that was 87

86 87 I'm losing track of which year was what year now back in the 80s because I worked so I worked from 1986 in a chip shop from April until for two years so I was 16 in the August I moved into that flat the following April so I was 16 still and I was 17 in the August and I moved out the following April so I was 17 and this was 1988 worked in I had a couple of jobs and then I got you know I think three full-time jobs in one week once I

literally just started didn't like it left did a day did two days in one place did one day in another place and I think I did maybe a couple of hours in another place I just and they were all full-time jobs you know I didn't tell anyone about the previous job I just said yeah I've worked for two years in the chip shop and they said yeah you can start and they were all catering in the hotels and things like that I had a job in a residential home once as a cook and I didn't

know how to cook I've been to catering college but I didn't take much notice so terrible in it the only thing I really remember from catering college is the two things nice yeah two things three things my memories of going to catering college and it was one it was one I think it was a every Wednesday for a year or three yeah for like a three terms for a year so every Wednesday one one day a week it was part of the training scheme that I was on and so I was 16 yeah it started

in the September and carried on until the end of the summer 2000 1987 and I don't think I went back for the second year so just couldn't be bothered although I might have done I can't remember but I just stopped going I didn't like it my friend was also on on the same scheme and we used to just Skype because he was one of my friends from school and we used to just go off and just go to McDonald's and and then we go to his dad's that lived in that town where the where the

college was and we get a lift back sometimes we just turn up sign in to college and then just leave and his dad would give us a lift back in his car when this his dad had finished work at five or whatever and yeah I think he had yet twin sisters I'm pretty sure he did they were older I guess they still are so I had this job in this residential home and they kept moaning about the porridge being wrong you know the residents are saying oh it's too salty not salty enough too thick too

thin and it was like is this a reimagining of the three bears and Goldilocks it was really annoying like whatever I did it just wasn't good enough you know and in the end I just I think I did my trial was probably a week or two weeks and I sat down with the owner or the manager and I think the conversation basically is there's nothing it's nothing really to say is there just take care yourself you know you don't want to be here we don't want you here I was just no good it wasn't any

good at anything and it's weird because I spent two years cooking for people it was chips to be fair fish chips burgers sausages as well as stuff you know like pasties and sausage rolls and all that stuff so scampi you know just general things you'd get pies things you get in a chip shop now I'd have been okay if there'd been a chip a chip shop with a residential elderly home connected I don't think they're called a residential homes then though it's called old old people's homes oh my god gee you got a notification what's

that was it Thursday today isn't it blimey so yeah that was weird that's very strange I'm just trying to get my head around I must have had that job in the pub in December 1988 but that doesn't fit right to me but it is it is right which means the first job I had in the factory so I worked there four times there was this meter factory which had put meters into boxes and what he's built that's what was my job but we also they built the meters electric meters and it was a huge place

it felt to me like when I look back at it I was there for absolutely ages now I didn't start there until at least September because they didn't employ anyone under 18 years old so I wasn't allowed to apply until I was 18 which means I couldn't have been there I couldn't start until well into September which means I could have only been there for a couple of months which is a short time isn't it maybe it's a long time when I was that age when I was 17 or 18 and then I went and

worked in his pub and it was awful absolutely awful it was horrible and it was worse because I couldn't it the adding up was a problem for me you know the tills now and the tills for a long long time and because I worked in a bar when I was when I was at Bucklin's I didn't like doing bar work but it's a lot easier because the tills were good you just press the buttons of what you were doing back then you had to add it all up in your head and it was too much

for me too much and you know the weird thing about it some people some people are really they don't think ahead of time they don't really think of what they're doing but then I guess they were drunk so I would undercharge people not on purpose unless I knew them you know I might give someone a you know a free drink if they were a friend or something but that was that was rare I didn't really have many friends and I've lost contact with most of my school friends by that point but you know occasionally I'd

see someone but what happened is sometimes I'd undercharge someone for like a group of drinks you know so maybe they bought six seven drinks I'd undercharge them didn't mean to I just added up wrong so they might be paying four pound less than they should be paying and then they come back and they get another round and I'd do the same thing so what would happen and so they'd come to me and they might be there all all night you know well for the evening so they might have four rounds so on the fourth round

they might actually either someone else serves them and charges them the correct amount or I get it right the fourth time what do they do they complain to the manager we paid this before it's now four pound more well I've added it up and you've been undercharged all night long and you basically saved yourself 15 pound which is a fair good saving back then a long time ago so they knew they were being undercharged while they kept coming back to see me he said they just kept quiet and just said oh okay we got charged

proper price this time let's make sure we see the really sexy young young man that Jason isn't it Jason yeah Jason let's make sure we see him because he he was gives a good price not meaning to but no they messed up for themselves so I go in trouble and then New Year's Eve actually a Christmas Day was it Chris yeah Christmas Day I go into work so I didn't get to have Christmas with family or anything like that but I had New Year's Day booked with my nan but I was going to my nan's

had that day off in lieu of working Christmas Day so New Year's Day was my Christmas really in a way and that was where I was going to get my presents from my grandparents and I was gonna see my dad and my stepmom and all that stuff well Christmas Day I go in there and there's no one else in so I open the doors there's no other staff turned up a bunch of people come in and they start running havoc they literally start helping themselves to drinks and there's quite a few of them there's nothing

like it well I didn't care enough to do anything you know as far as trying to physically stop them because there was way too many of them anyway and I wasn't getting paid a lot of money but I phoned the manager and the manager hid in his office he would not come around wouldn't come out and I said please help they look because they don't they probably would have listened to him if he'd have come out and said I stopped that they would have probably said okay and I said we'll call the police and he

said no don't call the police I said we'll do something then he said what and he wouldn't open his door I couldn't even go in and hide so in the end I just like let them do what they wanted and I think the police did come actually in the end but anyway that was Christmas Day New Year's Eve all said and done it wasn't too bad you know wasn't like awful I've I had a friend that worked behind the bar with me and I got on quite well with and there was another bloke there that

was pretty cool as well so I got on well with him as well and it was it was busy New Year's Eve is pretty much busy everywhere isn't it and at the end of the night they said oh the tools were short I said why are you telling me you know it's it's like oh someone's been taking money well I'll put my hands up my arithmetic has never been great never has been I'm not quite sure why but it's never I've never been particularly good at arithmetic or any kind of mathematical stuff but one thing

I am good at is not stealing and also what I'm able to comprehend is if you take money if you register something into the till don't put the money in it's going to be short so if you are going to take money you have to do it without registering it and this is the days where you don't press the buttons to put the money in not what they were actually buying you know pressing in lemonade you know glass of wine stuff like that that they have on tills now and also there was no one you

know nowadays I think most bars you have your own pass so everything you do is saved so they know who's done what then everyone was using the same till and there was no real sort of control and they were accusing me of not taking money or something and I said well you need training because you're not doing the job properly or whatever I said no I have been if I undercharge someone or overcharge them whichever way it goes that money still goes into the till whichever way you know it still goes into the till so

even if I do charge the wrong amount of money it's still going in the till it's not going in my pocket because it's not not my thing I only steal cars no I don't I don't I don't I can't drive if I could drive I'd steal but no I wouldn't I wouldn't what am I saying of course I wouldn't lorries maybe but no trucks big trucks campervans I wouldn't jets Jet ooo what is that song the miracle ooo now that's flash flash ooo jet ooo Paul McCartney and wings wasn't it jet so yeah I they

said to me oh you've got to come in for training retraining I said I want to come in I said I can't as you're coming tomorrow New Year's Day so this was like two o'clock in the morning New Year's or New Year's Day I guess so at the end of the evening clearing up a lot of mess to clear up and they said yeah you're coming in tomorrow for training got to be here by 11 I said no I've got dinner at my nanny and granddad's they said no I said no no you know not

here I've got dinner at my nanny and granddad Newlands and I've gotta go there and have my dinner and I work Christmas Day and I'm going to my nanny and granddad's that's it they said look if you you either turn up or don't come back or you're sacked basically turn up we don't so I said all right then take care and I left well I found out found out well I went to my nanny's for Christmas you know New Year's Day and I wasn't quite sure what to do next to be honest as far as

jobs go but it turned out that they were only the staff were telling the management were telling the local customers that I was sacked for stealing which I wasn't Vinnie just farted so he and his bum is just really can't believe it I'm gonna fart in protest so yeah that was weird and a weird thing about it and you know it's living in a small town everything's into intertwingled the lady who I rented my room off when I was working at the pub the lady the landlady she was a former boss of mine at the

co-op and we didn't get on at all but she wanted lodger and I moved in and we got on fine after that the customers the really regular locals that came in every single day that I got to know they were quite okay with me actually I ended up lodging at their house in 1989 another person that didn't get on with at the meter factory he was a supervisor and I really didn't like him we didn't go on at all I ended up lodging with him very strange I suppose it maybe it's not that unusual to

to have those connections with work and outside of work I'm in the chip shop I lived above the chip shop when I worked for the co-op I lived above the co-op I lodged with my boss he was a manager there and I rented a room upstairs we were evicted eventually yee and then I lived with a former boss lived with a former supervisor yeah I lived with a couple of people I worked with I moved in with someone else I used to work with in London I lived with Andre who I worked with he was

my supervisor the original Andre and then I lived with another person who also worked where I worked and I lived with another friend but to be fair I was friends with him out of work as I was with Andre so it wasn't really a work thing what other workplaces have I lived I haven't have I?

no I don't think so no hmm I'm trying to think no I don't think I have I think basically that was it I think I mean maybe the Buddhist I mean it wasn't work but it was I was part of the used to go to the Buddhist Center and I ended up living in the Buddhist community so that's it wasn't work but it was connected to work that I'd done because I used to work in the Buddhist shop but not at the same time as living in the community I worked at two different Buddhist shops

called Evolution one in 2004 and one in 2000 no yeah 2003 and four and then one in 2008 2009 something like that yeah Wow blimey not quite sure where I went with this it was just a bunch of thoughts really but well my stomach's just gone I think it might be time for the toilet I just want to share that with you I just can't believe we're getting to the end of the year I can believe it but it just seems weird literally got one more day left Saturday night it's Friday today it's Friday tomorrow

then it's Saturday so two more days then it's 2023 what will it bring my stomach's proper gurgling Vinnie's stomach was proper but proper I like the saying word proper he was a bit unwell this morning and his stomach was like a washing machine but eventually we sorted it out he got out what was in there I'll leave it at that it was removed by nature so I'm gonna go thank you very much for listening I will return tomorrow take care of yourselves remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy be

gentle with yourself lots of love bye