#821 Let me bore you to sleep - I HAD A DREAM - Jason Newland (16th APRIL 2022)

Hello, hello you. Hi, how you doing? You all right? Are you all right? Are ya? Are you all right? Hi, yeah. Hmm, well, I suppose I should do the intro really, shouldn't I? Yes, well, hello.

My name's Jason and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Welcome. Oh yeah, please remember to only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Oh, what you like? Hello, everybody. Hmm, well, I'm making this recording quite early in the morning. Oh my goodness, it sounds like a poem.

Ah, 3.40am on Saturday, the 16th of April, 2022. 2022. Yes, yes, yes.

Ooh. I had a cold for the last few days, but you know what? Compared to October, when I was really ill, compared to October, this cold has been like being tickled by a page three girl. It's, it's, that's a UK reference.

But oh, it's just been very, very, it's been almost, I mean, in comparison, in comparison to how I felt in October when I was, I think a bit, a bit COVID-y, I think. I think, wow, this has almost been pleasurable. This cold, honestly, it's almost been like, hmm, give me more.

Hmm. Give me more, add some chilli sauce, baby. Not quite, but you know, you know what I mean.

It's been very simple. They, do you remember the good old days, you know, when things were simple, a bit more simpler, a bit more easier. You know, you didn't have to learn how to use apps just to get money.

Well, you can still get money, can't you? I suppose you go to the cashpoint. Mind you. Yeah, in a few years time, this will be valid.

Do you remember when we used to have cashpoint machines, ATM places were here? Actually, if we go a little bit further, do you remember when we used to have cash? Do you remember when cash was a thing? Wonder what it will be. I know that a cashless society is the aim. But worldwide, it's not really going to happen, is it? Not for a long time.

But apparently, apparently, there are parts of China, maybe Japan, I think it might be Japan, where no cash is used. Even the ice cream van takes cards, or digital currency of some kind. And before anyone starts and says, you said Chinese, China or Japan, what, you can't tell any difference? Well, no, well, no, and yeah, yeah, but that's what? When you said in China or Japan, they have a place where they don't have any cash.

Something about ice creams. Yeah, I wasn't saying they were both the same place. It's no more different for me saying, well, I'm thinking of either going on holiday to Egypt, or Amsterdam.

Oh, you can't tell the difference when it's racist. You think Amsterdam and Egyptians, you think the Danish and Egyptians are all the same, do you? Hey, hey, hey, well, humans, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no very strange dreams indeed.

One, well I'll just, I'll list them, I'll list the dreams.

One was not based entirely in reality. However, there were people in the dream that used to exist in my life. And it was kind of a, um, I don't know, like a Halloween thingy, and everything started at midnight, and it was kind of a, um, you know, it was all like everyone could just do what they wanted to do, strange buffet of carnage kind of, so I'm like, oh, I'm not quite sure about that.

And, but for some reason, all the clocks were an hour backwards, or an hour, no, an hour late, an hour early, an hour late, I don't know, instead of being 11 o'clock, they were 10 o'clock, that's what I mean. But I wanted to make sure, well, someone else that was in the house with me, there was three of us, two females and me, I think one of them was a mother. You could say, well, that doesn't really help, I mean, there's billions of mothers.

Yeah, no, I don't mean, I think one of them was one of my mothers. Well, how many have you had? Four, thank you very much. See, so there.

I, um, and I've had 72 fathers. I've been very lucky little girl. So that was a strange dream.

And at one point, I'm going out and doing some weird things. But everyone else is doing weird things as well. So my weird things don't seem quite as weird.

And then one of the people that I do weird things with ends up being my weird friend, and we do weird things together. And by weird things, I mean, kind of causing trouble publicly, like a public disorder, but everyone's doing it at the same time. But no one gets hurt.

It's all kind of, it was a little bit like a an 18 version of a horror movie. Like it was very gentle and no one got hurt. It's kind of very strange.

And then another dream, I was a stutterer. And the next stream, I was back in the comedy club, back in the comedy club. And the very first thing I see is a close up of a waitress.

I can't remember a name. But we had a thing. Like a a fling, let's say a fling.

Back in, I don't remember a name. And I do remember, I won't say a name. I just remembered, I shouldn't say people's names.

Anyway, she knows who she is. She'd have forgotten me. But it was September 1991.

I think I was, I wasn't, it wasn't really an important event for her. But for me, it was, it wasn't like that important. But I remember it.

And I don't remember. I don't remember every meal I've had. Well, I remember some, you know, some now I don't remember any of my meals.

That's not a good example. Okay, poos is probably a good better one. But no, it's not.

No, it's not probably not a good example. The constipation ones, remember them. And the nice ones, you know, the ones that are just perfect, everything just, it's almost like the whole universe comes together to just produce the perfect poo.

And it's the perfect experience. It's almost, I guess, like traveling. And everything, you know, the universe aligns.

And you travel and you get where you're going. And maybe, you know, there's no queues and you end up getting in a taxi and there's no red lights and a taxi goes all the way through the taxi driver doesn't talk to you. That's like, wow, things are turning up things that are like this is unusual, but I won't say anything.

But I'm obviously I'm gonna say anything to start talking to me. Then you end up and you get to your destination. But that's not part of your destination.

That's like maybe you get into your train, that's your train stop, you get off. And, you know, he's parked on a double yellow line. And you get out to give him your money.

But there's a traffic warden coming. And he knows the traffic warden and the traffic warden knows him and they lock eyes. And the traffic warden starts running towards him.

And you see the taxi drivers starting to sweat a bit, you know, from his forehead. I mean, you can't obviously see his balls, but you know, he looks like he's sweating. And then a taxi driver has those little boots, little wheels will pop out, he starts skating towards the taxi.

And the taxi driver says, No, don't worry, don't worry, because you're getting your money out to pay it. You're counting out one pound, two pounds in your head. A taxi driver says forget about it, forget about it.

It's all me. And he drives off. He doesn't want that fine of parking on a double yellow line, especially at a train station.

For some reason, you know, he's been caught many times and 50 pound is not worth the six pound he was going to get from me. I was going to give him a tip, 50 pence tip. People don't appreciate 50 pence tips.

But those tips add up. You think about it, how many taxis you get in a year, how many pizzas, deliveries, food deliveries, how many shoe shines you get. I was trying to think hotel stays, all those things in a lifetime.

Those 50 pences add up to hundreds and hundreds of pounds. Yet the person who's just spent an hour delivering your sofa into your house, having to take doorways off in order to get the sofa through, and then putting it together, taking away the old sofa that you didn't want. And you say to him, thank you so much.

And you hand him the 50 pence piece. And you feel a pride, you've got this smile, you're like, this is, you've really earned this. You know, they've earned it, they're earning money, they're getting paid.

It's not like it's a charity. Actually, on that case, it was a charity. That's when I first moved in there.

They couldn't actually get the sofa in. So they didn't deserve the 50 pence. But it was a charity that helped homeless people and people just settling in.

And, you know, getting their first home and stuff. But I mean, they managed to fit the wardrobe and the set of drawers, they got that through the door. But I don't know, as far as I was concerned, for all the inconvenience, they should have given me 50 pence.

They're good, good charity, though. Apparently they, I think about a couple of years later, I had a neighbor move in, and they needed some furniture. So I said, well, don't you phone up this place, they gave me a wardrobe, set of drawers.

And they did phone, I actually ended up getting my own settee. But they did call me a few weeks later saying, we've got a smaller settee we can bring, you should be able to get through your doors, through your letterbox, through your doors. And I said, that's right, I got one now.

Thanks, go away, lose my number. And I said to my friend. Lose one number.

It's probably a little bit rude. Slightly. And my neighbor, anyway, they said, oh, I've got no furniture.

Oh, well, poor me. I've got no bed. I've got nowhere to hang my clothes.

I've got no clothes. So you have a home though, haven't you? You've got your own flat. All the other stuff you can get, but you know, you've got, I've got no food.

I said, well, why are you telling me? I mean surely you should be knocking on my door, handing me a gift, some kind of like a pie or something, something I can eat. I don't mean savoury of course, I'm talking sweet, being apple or rhubarb, I can't do rhubarb on it's own, but apple, cinnamon ideally, apple and cinnamon crumble. Pie is nice, I ain't got no issue with pie, even strudel, I don't mind a bit of strudel actually, in fact I bought one yesterday, which is why it's still in my mind, but it's not a word I normally use, although I think it should be used more often.

I think the word strudel is an acceptable word to be included in more conversations, globally in fact. As I think about it, maybe there'd be more peace in the world if we just used the word strudel a bit more often. How are you today? I'm fine, I'm strudeling along.

Oh, I don't like what you did there, I don't like what you did, you're a strudel. Even as an insult, it doesn't hurt does it? I don't mind being called a strudel. You would if you kept being called it.

Yeah, maybe, I suppose really if you think about it, all names that people don't like didn't really have any meaning or harm, but they just became annoying. Yeah, maybe not. Okay, you haven't really given that much thought have you? Well, no.

Do I have to give loads of thought to every single thing I say? If I did that I'd never say anything, that's to start with. I've never been able to make any podcasts. Well you're not still making those stupid podcasts are you? Yes, I'm still making them.

Why? I don't know, I honestly don't know. I don't know why. Well why do you then if you don't know why? Yeah, I eat, I don't know why I eat, but I eat.

Yeah, I think you do know why you eat because you're a big fat pig. I'm not fat, I'm not big, I'm not a pig, I don't actually eat that much really. Why are you lying to yourself? I'm not lying to myself.

Well, you kind of are. Yeah, but sometimes it's the best person to lie to isn't it? I don't understand. Exactly, and you're myself, so I lie to you, you don't get it because you're dim.

And, uh, you see, I can run rings around myself. Oh, oh, I can draw a circle, you know. Yeah, I know, you're a good boy.

Very clever. I like watching television. Yeah, I know.

I like dinosaurs. Yeah, okay, let's move on. So, I had this other dream.

So I was back, and I had this close-up of this, I say girl, she was a little bit older than me, probably about 21, 22 maybe, and she was German. So to me, that was exotic. To be, I'd never, actually not really, not really, I pretty much, I was quite into foreigners if I'm honest.

I've had a lot of, I've had, I have dated quite a few people that would be classed as foreigners to English people. Let's face it, we're all foreigners, aren't we? To somebody. Let's go through all the different foreign women.

That'll be fun. I mean, my first kind of proper girlfriend, by proper I mean, um, I'm trying to think of a classy way to say it. The first one I porked.

No, there's a classy way of saying it. The first one I loved, that's not true, because I loved someone in high school. I was, she was about two years younger than me, and I was, which is weird because I was about 14, so that made her 12, which is strange.

All, yeah, but she was an advanced, anyway that's a weird conversation, but I was in love with her anyway. I loved her. I think she was probably more 13.

Makes it sound better for some reason, I don't know why. And, uh, I was only 39. She was, she was friends, best friends with one of my neighbours.

The girl that lived opposite me. So we'd known that family for years. I think her name was Claire.

And this girl, I've talked about her before, so her name was Sarah. But nothing ever happened between us, I just, I was just completely besotted with her. Absolutely besotted with her.

I'm not even sure why, I mean, but anyway, that's how it was. So, but then, she wasn't the first person I fell in love with. I fell in love with lots of women and girls and stuff over the years when I was little.

I fell in love with Jack and the Beanstalk when I was about six. But it was played by a girl. Not that there's much difference really between boys and girls at that age, but yeah, I think, I mean, she was probably played by a 20, someone in their 20s or something.

It was this production in Southend Pier. I should look into that, I should have a look. I'm sure they've got a history of the shows that they've done.

Maybe I can have a look at her. That sounds weird. Not a look, just as a reminder.

Did I say Robin Hood? Or Jack and the Beanstalk? You know what? They're quite similar costumes, aren't they? Jack and the Beanstalk and Robin Hood are very similar. I think it was Jack and the Beanstalk or Robin Hood. I never was that good at following stories.

Very similar stories if I remember. Even I know they're different stories. Okay, fair enough.

One's got a giant and the other one's got a duck. Okay, yeah, okay, fair enough. I was in this stream.

In this stream. There was a close-up of this lady that I dated. It was a very temporary date.

She was a waitress in a cocktail bar. She was a waitress in a comedy club. And this is just when I started attending this particular venue.

I used to go there regularly. Loved the place. And I kind of got to know some of the staff.

I got to know all the staff. In the kitchen as well. And the cleaners.

Everyone. Even people that didn't work there in the evening. They got to know me.

Because I was always there. Always there. I was working full-time.

But I'd be there in the evenings. Sometimes. Every Wednesday.

Quite often on Saturday. Thursday, Friday. So I just always seemed to be there.

But every Wednesday of the year. For about three years solid. I was there every single Wednesday.

So you get to know people. I was the every Wednesday person. And I used to say, just call me Jason.

No, every Wednesday person. No, that's not actually my name though, is it? No, it is now. Oh, okay, fair enough.

No, no, seriously, we changed it by depot. We changed your name to every Wednesday person. A bit rude, really.

I mean, did you not think that I might like my name? Why would you? What could be better than every Wednesday person? Every Friday person. Covered in whipped cream, that's a better name. Oh, I got money, honey.

That's another better name. It's almost rhymy. I mean, there's lots of different names.

If you're going to put a sentence together. It's dinner time. That's a better name.

I'll try and swallow it all. I mean, there's lots of different things that you could use. A better sentence.

There's better sentences than every Wednesday man. Oh, sorry about that. I've got this close-up anyway.

This waitress. And it was weird, because I've kind of forgotten what she looked like. And... I'm pretty sure she had quite curly hair.

Or straight. But... It was either curly or straight. That's what I remember very vividly.

I remember very vividly... Her straight or curly hair. Or really curly hair. Or really straight.

And she was blonde. Or ginger. No, she was blonde.

I'm pretty sure she had blonde-ish. It was kind of a dirty blonde hair. She needed to wash her hair.

That's what I'm talking about. It was dirty. Really dirty.

There was bits of mud sticking out of the ends of her hair. I mean, at one point, I mean... There was a nest in there. Like, oh, lice.

I hate... No, no, not... No. Ducks. There was actually little duck eggs hatching on the top of her head one time.

That's when I realised I liked her. That's when I realised I might stand a chance. No one else seemed to be going near her, so... I thought, oh... This might... She might be going through a bad period.

I realised not to use that sentence too often when I was a younger man. Especially not to say those words. You're going through a bad period? Oh, no.

Why would you say such a thing? I didn't know. I didn't know at the time. I didn't know.

I didn't know. No one told me. No one tells anyone about things like that.

It's a secret. I went through 14 years of school. Maybe it's because I just had brothers and I didn't have any sisters.

It was never mentioned. My brothers never mentioned it. Never.

A single word. And there was at least one female in the house the whole time. Never mentioned.

That's a thing... That boys don't know about. There'd be a lot of women listening to this thinking, what, something that men don't know about? You have to be a bit more specific, JJ. Well, out of millions of things that men don't know about, you need to be more specific.

Oi, stop it. Just, everyone... Deep breath and just say the word.

that brings us all together in peace and harmony, strudel, remember, strudel, that's all we need in life, brings us together like one big happy blob, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm So, so I was looking at her and she had very good skin, pasty, not pasty like I mean in colour, not pasty as in horrible, but pale, very quite pale skin, but nice, I was very attracted to her which is why I asked her out, I just ask people out, you know, just for the sake of it, although I think I'd have got more action if I did, I do

kind of wish I'd been, I knew people like that, they'd just ask, they'd just walk up to one woman after another, do you want to go out, do you want to be my girlfriend, and they'd get turned back and rejected so many times, but they'd always end up with a girl, or a woman, always, they did it enough times, they'd chuck enough mud, you know, at a wall, eventually you'd get in trouble, you'd get arrested eventually, so it depends what wall it is I suppose, if it's your own wall, in your own home, no one

will find out will they, but why would you do that, I mean why would you chuck mud at a wall anyway, what, why, why, I have these questions, I think it's the philosopher in me, I might write a book one day, it's like why, that might just be it, why, or strudel, or it could be that, why, or it could just be strudel, why, not the letter Y, not the number Y, just WH, WH, she had quite light hair, light hair and light skin, blue eyes, I'm not going to say, oh typical German girl, because

I haven't met every single female German that's ever lived, so it's very hard to really make such a statement, isn't it, I mean she wasn't like a milkmaid, I don't know where, milkmaid, there's, do you know like the traditional, or beer maidens, or you know, in the Hammer, Hammer House of Horror movies, where, and they're quite often to be like in Germany or Transylvania, because they're exactly the same kind of places, Germany and Transylvania, it's almost identical as we all know, and mind you, Transylvania, there are some similarities, Transylvania had Vlad the Impaler, Germany, David

Hasselhoff, so, oh, she was nice, I liked her, I liked her, she spoke English, kind of, well no, she spoke perfect, well not perfect, I don't think I've met anyone ever that speaks perfect English, ever, not even people that, that speak perfect English, I mean, there's some Eton, so that's perfect English, I don't understand a word of that, therefore, Mama, Mama, Danny McPhee, there was no parties, no parties, I don't remember a party, anyway, yeah, so that's perfect English, I think I'll stick to the way I speak for now, I may change it up one

day, talk different, like, and I asked her out, I said, you want to go out sometime, do you, do you, you want to go out, want to go out and do something, do you, and the thing is, once I started making that sound, I realised it sounded, and I thought, I like that sound, and I couldn't stop, and she just walked away, and I was still there going, and it's a little bit embarrassing, if I'm honest, so I gave it, I just gave it a miss and went home, in fact, I ran home crying, the

next time, I said to her, look, you want to come out, and I think she said no, and I asked her out a couple of times, and she said no, and I said, and one, this was on a, a Wednesday night, so I'd been going there since January, so yeah, it took me till September, no, it was September, because I, because I had my previous girlfriend, we'd stopped, banging, we'd stopped seeing each other, in the August, I think, or July, July probably, anyway, anyway, I said to the, this, this, this one, this lady I'm talking

about, because at the end of the night, there'd been a comedy, there'd be about 13 to 16 acts, doing a new, it was like new act night on a Wednesday, and a bunch of new comedians would try out new material, and I was one of those doing that stuff, afterwards, there was karaoke, till about one o'clock in the morning, so I said to her, after the comedy, I said, listen, if I get up, on stage, and sing you a song, will you come out on me, and they said, if I sing it well, you like,

if I sing it good enough, will you, not just I'll go and sing, but if you think I sing well, and the audience like it and stuff, will you come out on me, on Saturday night, she said, no, I said, if I pay you a hundred pounds, will you come out on me, and she laughed, and she said, alright, I choose the song, now, I wasn't sure, whether or not I had to pay her a hundred pounds now, I was like happy, like, oh, she's agreed to come out on me, did she think I was

joking about a hundred pounds, or did she think she was getting paid a hundred pounds, either way, she didn't get paid a hundred pounds, I'll tell you that, oh no, I did buy some flowers, did buy some flowers for her, but it was a muddle up, I saw in the obituaries, it was a different person, but same name, it's only been a week, how sad, so that was two pound fifty, I'll never get back, but yeah, we went out, anyway, I'm going ahead of myself, she said, okay, if you go, if you sing song, I'm

sorry, Jason, if you sing song, I go out with you, I said, okay, good, that's nice, I said, okay, I want to sing song for you, I said, okay, she didn't sound like that, oh, I don't know what, I don't know, is that an actual accent, I don't know, and I said, what song do you want me to sing, she said, I want to sing Elvis, I started with a sentence, want to sing Elvis, don't make fun, that's who I talk, where are you from, Deutschland, you're from Deutschland, where's Deutschland, you not know where Deutschland

is, no, Deutschland, so that's what Dutchland, you live in more Amsterdam, no, that's why you work at weekends, I don't live there, we're born in Deutschland, where, we talk, there's no such thing as Deutschland, and then another one of the waiting staff said, it's Germany, Jason, Germany, well, why don't she say Germany then, she comes from Germany, because that's how Germans call their countries, Deutschland, it's just like in France, they don't call Paris Paris, they call it, I said, why are you just stopped talking, he said, well, I thought you were going to fill in

the gap, everyone knows it's Paris, I don't know, how am I supposed to know that, did you not go to school, that's a bit of a rude question, I mean, you've met me, you've been, you know, I've been coming in here for a few months, you've spoken to me enough times, does it seem like I went to school, oh, good point, thank you, can we just move on from that subject, please, I just don't like anything that's just subjects, I'm never any good at any subjects, so she said, oh, I'm from Germany, okay, ah, that's

nice, so what song do you want me to sing, any particular song, teddy bear, teddy bear, I always didn't do a song called teddy bear, oh, oh, wait a minute, yeah, I know the one, I know the one, I just want to be your teddy bear, don't like how I listen, driving late at night, just want to go to the movie show, sit there holding hands, you're so square, she said, no, that's a different song, that's you're so square, okay, just, just want to be your teddy bear, don't want to be a lion, lions play

too rough, that's the one, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the one, so, yes, that's the one I did, and I say myself went pretty well, pretty well, indeed, I was very pleased with myself, a young man that I was, I sung my heart out, I sung, diddy sung, sung, sung, and I said at the beginning of the song, I got on stage, and I apologized to everyone for my, for my comedy from earlier, and I said, I just want to say, this song is for, so I wanted to give a good impression, I wanted her to

like me, and I wanted the audience to like me, because I probably didn't do very, I didn't come across very well in the comedy section, so I wanted to, I wanted to let everyone realize I'm a nice person, and I'm a genuine, kind, you know, as you all know me to be, I'm a nice person, so I said, I sort of, first of all, I want to apologize to everyone for earlier on, and I want to, I want to, I sing this song, Elvis Presley's song, let me be your teddy bear, and this is for

Tracey, you know, Tracey German, massive knockers, this is, hopefully I'm going to get laid at the weekend, I didn't say that, oh blimey, I said, this is for that beautiful Sonia, she's, oh, the most beautiful woman in the world, she's over there, the love of my life, I forgot to bring my poetry book, otherwise I could read you a poem about her, and how I feel in my heart, in my blood, I feel as if she's part of me now, I hope to be a part of her at the weekend, and I said, this is

for her, this is, I looked at her, I said, Sarah, this song's for you, and I looked at her, and I start singing, and I was like, how does it start, oh, I don't know the reason, I drive a little late at night, just want to go, wrong song, and I start singing, and I realised that the auto cue with the words to the song is to the left of me, which is at the front of the stage, and I'm looking over at the bar where she is, and I don't know the words to the

song, I know part of it, but baby, I don't care, but that's the wrong song anyway, let me be your teddy bear, that was it, so I remember that bit, you can't get through a whole song just remembering the title of the song, unless of course there are no other words, but there are some songs like that I suppose, the frog song, I think, muller king tyre, that's another one, I mean it's pretty much muller king tyre, muller king tyre, muller king tyre, muller king tyre, muller king tyre, for those that don't know what that

song is, it was a huge hit in about 1977, or was it 78, or was it 79, one of them, huge christmas number one, number one, wings, it was wings, heartbreaker, you got to love me, heartbreaker, I've never known a city love song, wings, so she's quite pale, curly straight hair, so I had this close-up of her, as I was, I've already said that, anyway I sung the song, we went out, I skipped forward, I sung the song, she, I think she found it funny that I did it, it amused her that she, I suppose

in her mind maybe made me look silly, or not that I needed any help, so she found it funny, and so she clearly was impressed in some way, I don't know, and maybe I showed that I did like her, and I was willing to jump for a few hoops, some people enjoy that, I've never really been a hoop guy, but you know each to their own, but yeah, we went out, see she didn't realize what she was in for, and it's not in a bad way, first of all, she probably didn't want to go to

a comedy club, that's where I took her, you know she worked in a comedy club, that's probably the last place she wanted to go, I didn't think about this at the time, not only did I take her to a comedy club, I took her to the worst comedy club on the circuit, in the worst part of London, but it wasn't that far from where she lived, so you know, it was a really quite a bad area of Streatham at the time, it's a long time ago by the way, Streatham might be really trendy now, but

it wasn't back then, especially not late at night, and I took her to this place called The Comedy Pit, that's what it's called, The Comedy Pit, and there was a character who was, he was my friend really, but he was called PJ, and he ran the Comedy Pit venues, they were all around, and most, he did, he had one decent place, I forget where it was, but a lot of them were just really like dungeons, you know, you'd be lucky if you got 10 people turned up, sometimes it'd only be 5, sometimes it'd be 20

or 30, but generally it'd be a very small audience, and I'd just, I'd go to, I'd do any gig there was, now I didn't perform that night, on that Saturday, I took her as my date, because I knew that I wouldn't have to pay to get in, I mean most, a lot of comedy clubs I didn't have to pay to get in, but this was just my first year, I'd only been involved in the comedy scene for 9 months, so not everybody knew who I was back then, you know, after a couple of years, every

club knew me, even the ones that would never let me perform, would at least let me in, usually, if I didn't close them down by performing, and we were standing at the bar, because that part of the carpet was the least stickiest, and we were just drinking, and I was, I said, I don't know what I said to her, she said, I would not, I'm not sleeping with you tonight, I don't know how that came up, but I said, good, I don't want to sleep with you anyway, for some reason, we ended up sleeping together,

now, I don't know what happened, and I'm still dazed to this day, I know what happened, I mean, yeah, I remember, yeah, I'm just saying, I don't know how it went from that, to that, like, no, we were not sleeping together, I don't know why she kept doing weird voices, it's very strange, just, I mean, she had a lovely voice, I don't know why she had to put in these weird accents, and I think she's very feminine, I mean, I know you're not allowed to say that anymore, but this was back in 1991, saying the

word feminine was okay, so I'm using it in that context, thank you very much, please don't cancel me, em, see, I'm not, I'm not, I'm never sleeping with you, ever, ever, ever, now that could have gone two ways for me, now, I just said, I don't care, and it went, on a different day, I would have just, she would have, she would have said, I'm not sleeping with you, let you know that, she probably took a drink, took a drink out, and then she'd look back at me, to sort of see what response, and she'd

be going, Jason, hello, where were you, where did you go, because I'd have just walked out, that would have been, I've done that in conversations in the past, where I've been talking to someone, when I was younger, I wouldn't do it now, I'm just saying, when I was younger, a little bit, you know, less sensitive, perhaps, I talked to someone, someone new, that I'd not met before, and get on really well, I'm thinking, oh, this is going good, she, I like her, and she seems to like me, and we've got so much in common, and

then she mentioned her boyfriend, and I'd just walk away, I wouldn't say goodbye, I'd just, just walk off, I know, is that bad, I don't know, it's just, I think it got to a point where I just thought, I'm not wasting my time on this conversation for, I loved her, I loved her, oh, the amount of women I chatted up over the years, that weren't even interested in my particular sex, was, I had no gauge of, I say chatted up, I've never chatted anyone up in my life, not really, I've attempted to talk to women,

that was it, I don't chat up, I don't have chat up lines, I never have had, never, it was always just, try and maybe make them laugh, maybe, I mean, I know Charlie Chaplin would have had, I mean, he was very popular with the ladies, because, you know, I didn't realise, but it was only until I was about 20, I think I was 29, that I realised the best way to make a woman laugh, is to fall down and hurt myself, I couldn't believe it, like what, yeah, as long as she's, and I did it

a couple of times, I pretended, and every time, they'd be bawling themselves laughing, the idea of me actually physically being in pain, seemed to just make them laugh, maybe it's just the particular people that I was hanging around with, but, there was this young woman, honestly, I was doing everything to impress her, I was, I told her my name, I told her a story about a dog, I did it, I pulled out all the stops, I even, I thought, if this don't, if nothing else works, I tell her my favourite colour, and nothing, nothing worked,

she just looked at me like, you know, I can't, just, almost like I was, she was watching a television programme in a different language, but it seemed familiar, but it was confusing at the same time, it's almost like she was, she had the look on her, like she was pretending to think, and I didn't know what to do, I just really, cos I really liked her, she was, well, yeah, I liked her, so I go behind the bar, cos this is when I was working, and I genuinely slip on a bit of ice, and I

smash to the ground, and I get up, so I like scream, I get up, hobbling around, and she's there, wobbling around, laughing, laughing, uncontrollably laughing, I mean, you could, I mean, without being, no pun intended, you could say I broke the ice, oh dear, that was poor, wasn't it, but yeah, she's like, then I realised, if all else fails, fall over, like, that's a bit drastic, but sometimes, I don't know, I don't want to go into details, or being crude or anything, but sometimes, sometimes, you know, I might be in a bath, or getting dressed,

and I start to think about how long it's been, since I was even, had any kind of contact with a female, and I look down, and he might look up at me, and he says to me, it's time to fall over again, get your falling shoes on, JJ, we're gonna go and pull, like, no, no, I don't do that at my age, and I thought, if I can't get back up again, and he looks up, and he says, I'll risk it, yeah, you'll risk it, yeah, yeah, in that case, I'll make sure I fall on

you, right, I'm gonna go and have some breakfast now, I've earned it, so thank you for listening to my complete dwarble, dwibble, dwobble, remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy, be gentle with yourself, and do something nice for yourself today, lots of love, bye.