#776 Let me bore you to sleep - DONT TOUCH ME - Jason Newland (14th DECEMBER 2021)

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Now I'm trying to do this so that I can stream live on my website but it just ain't happening and I don't know why.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've done many things wrong in my life. I just can't figure out why why this particular recording is not recording basically.

I don't know why. No, I don't. I really don't know.

Very strange. Unless it's the wrong one. No, it's definitely that one.

Um, it's live. So I'm broadcasting it. I'm just testing it on a different podcast because I started a... Oh yeah, only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

I actually started a live broadcast but the iPad was not using the microphone.

Well if it was, it was very, very, very, very low volume and maybe to be fair it's not a high volume when I record but I do enhance the the uh the volume a little bit in editing but even so I had it on maximum on the laptop and it was just barely audible which is not good but now I've tested it using the iPhone app for the podcast using my microphone and all that connections which should work fine and it ain't it really ain't working and the microphone is all turned on it's all it's

showing it's working on the actual phone which makes me think when I stop recording will I be able to play it so I'll stop okay so no no it's not allowing me to play it I wonder so let me see now it is working this should work should get the line you hear that now really that's me it's not it's not working it ain't working that's quite sexy isn't it I don't ah ah I know what why I'm no I don't understand anymore it's very strange I don't get it because it recorded it then clearly

and it's good it's a good sound as well isn't it good sound it should be with a microphone I'm using for that so I've got two microphones going but for some reason it didn't play live and I don't quite understand why I didn't understand why very strange I'll delete them then delete delete um I'll try again with the let me boy to sleep podcast just see so live stream 776 so we'll do that again live stream so and I'm going to delete delete the episode delete okay yes yes and what I'll do now is I'll

start I'll start again maybe this time it'll work I don't know so if I go record go live go to the let me boy to sleep this is boring isn't it I've got a few messages to read out actually la la la la la la and I'm just going to put live stream tester live tester live testes okay right so go live this is now live so what I need to do is I mean maybe view episodes I mean I've got the embed the whole thing so should work if I embed it into the website

again this time save it saved again nothing oh it is working now this time save it oh that's weird it has to play the I had to press the play button wow listen to that that's all right isn't it I'll stop that now because there's not enough there's not enough energy on the actual on the phone so that needs to be chocked up I might try and get one of those what's-its you know the one that's on the phone so I'll try and get one of those the charges you can just lay it on so

maybe I'll be able to use it at the same time I don't know it might be maybe the magnetic might be issues with the magnetic thing anyway right my plan there was a plan live stream 1am UK time Monday to Friday so what I'm going to do for now is I'm going to hide that it's out of the way it's gone I'll come back to that another time sorry about that everyone hello again hello so I've got a few messages from some people I hope you're all well and everything and blah blah blah the sincerity

you're so sincere yeah I know I know so I've got some messages I think I'm just gonna just reply to messages on here rather than actually type in messages and stuff but I don't know is people are you okay with that you're okay for me to do that so kissy hi Jason how you doing I miss your latest podcast hope you're doing fine take care thank you again I've probably pronounced your name wrong I'm terrible honestly it took me 32 years to learn my own name so don't don't get too upset with me this is

totally true don't tell anyone this I'm looking at getting Christmas cards you know for family and that and I've forgotten my brother's wife's name is it Jamie is it Joanne is it it's like I've forgotten I can't ask can I all right bruv how you doing yeah how you doing yeah it's good I haven't spoke to you for a while um yeah just uh just what's your wife's name I know you've only been married for six years and been together for probably seven or eight years but you know what's her name when you've got kids

and everything what's her name can't remember it's gone out of my head it's on my phone I've got his number I haven't got her number I've got his number and she's lovely but you know I don't I don't phone her up to uh to swap recipes or so I don't know what what people do to on phone calls why people phone each other up but I don't I don't speak to him that much really Kathleen says hey Jason I'm gonna do her voice hey Jason so pleased to have you back it was a long 10

days but I could see that you were doing so I could see what you were doing so I knew you were okay which bothers me a bit is there hidden cameras in here Kathleen if you put a hidden camera are you are you monitoring my actions to be fair if you knew what I was you probably wouldn't contact me um I missed you though I really did miss you thought you would like to know there's a bit of an editing for you to do on number 226 relax and sleep nothing exists um I don't know

if that's the name of the recording or you should have just been very philosophical I'm not sure in the intro bit you mentioned music goes for two hours love Kathleen thanks Kathleen appreciate your lovely words and I'll be honest with you I'm not going to edit it um because at the time when I made that recording there was a recording that went for two hours with music but as you probably know um if you've listened to previous well you said you know what I've been up to I deleted all those so I said that in

quite a few recordings to be fair and to go through them and troll through them to find out which recordings I said this will be available in five hours 10 hours recording you know one with 10 hours music there's a few of those floating about um it's like a big toilet lots of floaters and I just I can't be bothered if I'm honest to it it would take it probably take you know a week just to go through them all that's an exaggeration but it definitely take a couple of days and I'm just gonna have

to accept that that's the way it is you know I mean I'm hoping I hope hope hope hope hope I never have another of these things happen like what happened where I have to make big adjustments to my work and also to have had to spend to have lost basically I wasted probably thousands of hours of my life to be fair with all that stuff I mean yeah probably actually hundreds and hundreds if not thousands hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours of my life has been wasted through producing longer recordings and it's time consuming

it's and you know I'd I don't know how many probably getting onto a thousand recordings if not more that had music on that I ended up deleting so yeah I don't I don't want to go back doing that again it's not just that it's all the uploading the editing blah blah blah blah blah it's annoying though I'm trying not to you know trying not to get too annoyed by it all you know me Mr Chill Chill and all that but it feels a bit of a letdown you know things were going so well and I'm

thinking maybe that's what the problem was maybe I was coming across as arrogant instead of just excited which is kind of what I was I was excited at the the podcasts you know growing in I don't know if the right word is popularity but you know more more listeners more downloads etc and then to get to lose not everything I mean that'd be dramatic but I mean I can tell you I don't know if I told you I'll give you the stats but trust me I'm telling you these are not nice stats I got the

email I think on the 1st of December or maybe the last day of November I think it was the 1st of December and let me have a look I want to find out because I want to I want to be correct I don't like to I don't like to lie here we go what date was it oh it doesn't have a date that's a bit annoying surely you should have a date it's an email 30th of November ah so let's have a look at that 30 31 okay 30th of November so yeah 30th of November

so let's say 29th of November I had 32 000 downloads 1st of November I didn't make any new recordings and I had 21 530 and I'd already started to delete um 1st of December 16 000 downloads so at this point from the 30th onwards I was deleting recordings of music and I spent the whole week doing it took well not the whole way it took a took a couple of days um maybe nearly three days just to get rid of because it was a lot I wasn't solidly doing it but took a good couple of

days to to get rid of most of them because it was a lot and I couldn't it's so I had to have breaks because it was very tedious and I got quite a few different podcasts so so it went down to 21 000 and a half thousand then down to 16 000 and then on the 2nd of December 11 or just under 12 000 downloads so I'd gone down from 30 000 I was getting average down to 12 000 and broke my heart it really did broke my heart now a year ago I'd have been

so happy with 12 000 downloads in a day that would have been phenomenal to me but when your podcast has been reduced by two thirds you know the downloads has been reduced by two thirds it's hard to be happy with that the next day the third I had just under 14 000 so it went up a little bit the next day by far the lowest stats I've had in months and months 10 134 so I started to do stats when one two three four five six seven eight nine that's when I spent nine days solid

uploading recordings and editing the recordings I had but with background music just for the length of the recording so I won't go into the stats growth because um because it has gone up but uh you know today I've had just under 40 000 downloads yesterday 49 000 downloads and the day before 50 638 downloads so but you know I don't miss I don't know if I doubt that's going to continue like that it's just because of having uploaded extra stuff uh now I'm going back to just uploading like today this is the first recording I've

had the whole day off I woke up with a headache and I just couldn't be bothered to do anything because I just spent so many hours every day staring at this screen that kind of just wanted a break if I'm honest needed a little little break which is what I've done so today it's 39 000 downloads but what it's going to be tomorrow I don't know but I can't I'm not going to I'm not going to talk about podcasts anymore because I feel I've jinxed them almost by sort of sharing because most people don't share

that and it's not I don't share it as a kind of showing off because it's not I'm just sharing just as I just sharing my life with you just this what's important to me is this this this little hypnotic world that I've created within my own little life this little bubble of stuff that I do and I guess it is my life this is it this is this is what I do and I intend to continue doing this for the rest of my life however weird that is and not just to let me boil to

sleep you know the I've got a lot of plans for the hypnosis recordings especially things like stop smoking and maybe some weight loss I might do some weight gain there's a lot of people out there that want to put weight on you know there is I was one of them for years and years and years and years I don't think it's even a weight gain issue it's an accepting how you look issue I absolutely hated the way my body was when I was young all I wanted to do is to be big I'm now big

now all I want to do is be little again I don't I no matter how people might think oh you're gross you know like oh you big fat smelly turd when they see me I don't think anyone thinks that I hope not I hope I'm not walking down the street and people is like oh you big fat smelly turd look at that big fat smelly turd oh no I don't think of myself like that I mean how could I I couldn't you know I mean like that just that's horrible to think if I did think

of myself I know I'm overweight but I do not think of myself as being a big fat smelly turd where did that come from that was just weird um but I turn the microphone towards me that might be better that's it I although I you know I'm using weights every day because of my back issues I had a few a month or two ago I've been doing weights every day and I do feel stronger I guess a little bit and I you know my muscles are working and my back is so much better my lower

back still issues but I'm in physiotherapy now physiotherapy was in psychotherapy last year now I'm in physiotherapy um maybe next year colonic therapy I don't know I I know do you know when you know something yet the experts won't sort of listen I know that I'm a time traveler I know that I'm a kangaroo now what I know I what I believe I really and it's not a belief as in um yeah not a belief because you know I don't put a lot of uh hold a lot of sway with beliefs anyone can believe anything

it's not that difficult look at what people are brought up to believe to be true and but I I'm pretty sure from my own personal experience of being in my body that my lower back has that there's something wrong with my lower back like internally whether spinal or arthritic or something um just for the simple fact that it's taken over 20 years for my back for my lower back to gradually get worse I've had this for over 20 years I was in my when in fact this is true this is in a hypnosis training I

was doing back in 1999 1999 I did hypnosis I did a hypnosis course it's a five door five five door five day intensive course and so I was there every day for from Monday to Friday and it's a really really good course and there was this man there who because we were sitting I had to stand up because I was sitting down on the chair and every now and then you're not all the time every few hours or so I have to stand up because my back was aching now my lower back didn't it didn't

stop me from doing anything I'll be honest nothing at all I could lift stuff I was physically active I was a humping machine you know I was doing all the things that I was able to do walking it was just a bit achy sometimes a little bit too achy you know and it was just uncomfortable and it was a bit a little bit annoying a bit like me just a little bit annoying like a miniature version of me in my lower back a little JJ and this bloke who is also on the course he said

I'm a body worker or something like that I forget the name of what he said and I said well I'm Jason bit of a weird name body worker what's wrong with John or Peter he said no that's not my name that's what I do I do body work I said what's that he said working with the body I said yeah I probably figured that one out matey see you later he said no no come back come back stop running come back I said okay you've left your lunch box here anyway there's still a sandwich in

there why didn't you eat it all I said because I went out to eat didn't I went to add some pasta in the Italian coffee shop it was lovely I didn't fancy eating a marmite and sausage sandwich when I got back so I left it in the lunch box he said why are you talking like that I said I don't know but I feel the urge to pronounce every individual word I said he said oh and I said anyway what do you want he said oh well I can help you with your lower back I

said you ain't touching my bum you ain't going nowhere near my back you'll touch my bum and he says I didn't say that but I don't know I'll be honest right and it's not like oh you're homophobic no I don't really like being touched general genuinely generally do not feel comfortable being touched by anybody man or woman now it's different it's a little bit but it's a lot different if I'm in a relationship with a lady and she touches me I start to get a bit more comfortable but still it's still like you're sitting too

close and I have to work with that because I want a woman to sit close to me I want a woman to touch me or I want a woman to want to touch me not any woman just a particular one person up to three no more than three women and I've been in situations again like you're going to want me to start talking about stats again in a minute when I start this one at least twice I have in a I've actually been um I'm gonna I'm gonna be very vague with my wording but um

I was in a an intimate situation okay and I flinched at the point of a certain particular uh part of me being touched like I'll just say it was my knees someone I can't have my knees touched that wasn't my knees and it's weird because I wanted I was flinching at what I actually wanted to happen so and these this but this was in a situation with I didn't know these people it was like a first meeting it wasn't our first meeting it was like hello and then got undressed it was it was uh like

you know like a first date situation um so yeah I've got a few I've had a few issues with being touched by people I don't like when people sit close to me when people sit next to me in my in my flat where I'm living I've got a double settee and my friend gave it to me and it's a recliner but there's two seats next to each other they both recline I sit on one seat the other seat is full of stuff I purposely make sure it's full of stuff on there so I've got basically

got things I don't even need to be on there like remote well I've got remote controls so you know tv and stuff but there's um I've got just random rubbish just on there because I don't want and I've also got two tables in front of the chair two tables literally in front of that seat so no one could even get access to it so no one can ever sit on there and I've got another chair the other side of the room so if someone comes in there they can sit on that one don't like being

sat close I don't like being touched if someone's leg touches my leg oh oh honestly I'm kind of the opposite to a pervert I'm kind of it's just like oh don't like touch me touch me oh no not that it's the opposite to that it's like or the opposite to a normal person maybe not pervert wasn't the right word really was it there's nothing perverted about like being touched is that let's face it bloody so judgmental stop judging me man I and I don't tell anyone this I'm talking to you but I don't tell anyone

this stuff this is personal stuff man I don't know why though I mean there's a few reasons but I just intimacy is difficult for me yeah I can be quite intimate here on the podcast I don't mean intimate like oh can I see your toenails your toenails are lovely they smell yummy yeah not like that not that kind of intimacy but not that I would particularly find that intimate really not really I am yeah that's so there's this there's this woman that works at the garage and she is almost like if I was gonna tick

have a tick sheet forget personality because I don't know what personality she's got because I've only met her a couple of times but she looks nice friendly and everything so it's part of but you know regardless of how she I don't know how she is a person at all but from a looks perspective she just ticks all the boxes every single box which is weird because that rarely happens and she might think I'm a bit weird you know I don't know and this is what I did say to her because she was in there one

day during the day I think she was doing training that's the first time I saw her I couldn't take my eyes off her like wow and then she started doing night shift and I was in there the other night and we had to I went over there with my friend and he we went to the the serving glass at the front because the doors were closed I thought it was half past I thought it was quarter past 10 but it's actually quarter past 11 which is they close half 10 I think or 11 something like

that they see the clothes when they want to be fair but she came to the she came to the glass and she said oh we can't serve alcohol after 11 and I said why because I was with my friend and I said what's what's that what's going on with that and she said oh because people get angry and it's only me because we're women there's only me and another woman there and people get angry and start shouting I said we're not going to shout yeah she started she started smiling and then she said oh I

said it's up to you but you know it's we're nice we're nice people we're we're we're lovely that might have been a bit over the top I don't think my friend was like me referring to him as being lovely but you know anyway I said it and we are lovely what's wrong with that and she went over and she got the wine but she didn't know which one it was so I went to the door because he was she came in she got white wine and she my friend said it's white wine you he didn't

he started shouting no no he didn't uh I wouldn't allowed it I wouldn't have allowed it um she she said oh sorry she went back so I went to the door to point at the ones that she the ones he wanted because I know what wine he likes and she stood up she was there and she said it's the red wine I said yeah and she started like yeah she jumped up and down like with a big smile on her face like just such a good sport and she jumped up and down so I should

move on from that yeah anyway she and that was she's really lovely anyway I said to her anyway anyway anyway anyway I said um anyway you've seen I've been here before you I think I know if you remember me I said we're regular customers because she's new but I've seen her um once before I said I'm a regular customer I said if you remember me but I've been here before she said I'll remember you you're the one with a clipboard ticking off ticking off boxes on a tick sheet I said oh yeah yeah um that

was a long way to that wasn't it I could have said that earlier but uh that all happened it didn't it's like just a build-up to that but it was almost an ending climax at the end I had a few had a few of those in my life uh spent a lot of day in bed today a lot of day in bed and I was supposed to go out with my friend just to the to the chemist and I was going to be going to possibly get my booster jab but because I woke up with

an headache and I just felt a bit rough just a bit worn out and I was so glad to not um I did get a knock at the door to a delivery that I had it wasn't for me actually but it's for someone else but I got a delivery so I got woken up once but other than that no I got I closed my door and I was laid in bed and I had nice sleep and it was lovely just to just relax you know but I find it easier to relax when I've done something

so if I made a recording I made a few recordings because you know I'm going to be doing maybe three at least two maybe three four recordings a day from now on doing the daily sleep relax sleep hypnosis the uh boring objects the deep sleep whisper hypnosis I don't know what other ones I do whatever others I do yes those as well I think I've got how many podcasts do I have any idea of anyone anyone I don't remember I don't remember I don't remember at all okay um so let's have a look so I've

got the boring objects deep sleep whisper hypnosis that's two bedtime story time three let me bore you to sleep four relaxed sleep hypnosis daily five stress and pain relief six so that's six recordings I could do every day like six different recordings and then I've got the stop smoking hypnosis stop smoking relaxation hypnosis podcast so wow that's a weird one I'll be honest with you because it can go down to literally statistics I'm talking stats again blow me neck 4th of November 17 downloads yeah 3rd of December 19 downloads 5th of December 25 downloads so

very low I'm sure you agree pointless almost pointless and on that podcast I've had 31 nearly 32 000 downloads all in all over the last three years or however long it's yeah about three years so it's not not many downloads on a day and then on the 6th of December I and it's only I've only got um is it nine recordings I've only got I think nine recordings okay and so I'll make all of those nine recordings with music no eight of those recordings with music because one of them already has music so I put

eight I upload eight recordings with music in the background for the length of the recording and on the 6th of December 528 downloads I mean what just for just for that it stimulated the podcast growth and then the next day 122 100 112 75 etc yesterday 122 no today sorry 122 today it's like blimey you know I mean blimey number eight stopped smoking in 2014 236 downloads is this it's almost like someone's it's almost like people are waiting for me to upload recordings on that podcast I do think that if I uploaded regular podcasts on

there that could become my most popular podcast which is kind of easy when you think about it but and I do things a little bit different I think from what other people do because I'm not saying that in a good way it's probably not it's not necessarily a good thing but my way of thinking is this is my way of thinking okay I could do what I mean my original thing was to do one really good recording and it was a cultivation of four recordings which then ended up being one long recording which was my

stop smoking course which I did in I think about 12 years ago 13 years ago something like that and I spent an entire week putting that together I mean literally I've never edited so much I put so much work into just one project it's the most work I've ever put into one project ever and I don't know why I just repeated myself there didn't I why emphasis maybe emphasis and I'll this bloke anyway he wanted he said I'm a I'm a body worker I said okay he said look I I can um I can help

you with your lower back pain I said he said I don't worry I won't touch your bum which I didn't say anything I said he said do you you feel nervous you'd be in touch I said yeah I don't don't like being touched sorry it's just he said oh you don't like being touched by men I said no or women or anyone um kittens I don't mind I like little kittens uh fully grown cats a little bit wary of them I've only been friends with one cat all kittens are cute you know like all puppies

are cute and some would say all dogs and all cats are cute I don't know about I don't know if I'd say that some dogs are cute some dogs really aren't very cute at all I know it's you know it's all down to what you like I suppose but I like cute dogs you know cute dogs not because there's a lot of really this is weird it's like everyone likes what they like don't they so I'm not gonna sort of start slagging off different dog types but I personally don't find every breed of dog cute

and I'm and I'm not one these people that has to want to walk down the street with a tough dog to be tough I don't that's just that's not a sign of toughness I like if I if I've got a dog I want a little Shih Tzu or just a little lap dog basically that's what I like I like the little dogs you know I want a dog that can sit on my lap and not crush my testicles that's what I want and a big dog can't do that they still want to sit on your

lap but they'll take up half the settee and they're too heavy sorry I just don't like heavy objects on my lap and they're bony as well aren't they dogs you know they're they're bony arms very bony I'm surprised how does a dog's arms and legs hold up such a heavy body because the arms are so they're just not the tops of the arms are very it's obviously very strong in that but just they're very bony and uh I remember my my friend's dog went up a slide and he was holding him and all he's going

to do is take and this is in the kids playground thing this is a few months back and all it was was just a video him with the dog sliding down he was with the dog holding him the dog broke loose right at the top and jumped off the top dislocated is is uh one of his legs great he's like why am we talking I don't know at least 12 foot high if not higher or maybe not maybe yeah probably at 12 foot high stupid dog why would it do that I mean it was safe

it was with his owner it was safe and the thing is that we couldn't be holding him very well well the thing is he probably had one arm trying to hold the slide so he didn't slide down yet you know didn't think his dog was going to do that absolutely ridiculous but uh yeah the thing I remember most well that week of making the stop smoking course is my landlord and landlady were on holiday so I was in the house on my own which was my favorite time that was like heaven because they were always

there because they lived there but then they went on holiday and like oh beautiful just to be able to I used to sit in the kitchen had my breakfast and had my dinner sit in the kitchen table I never did that normally because that was their space normally I'd sit on my bed so for three over three years I used to sit on my bed eating my dinner which is just rubbish it's just rubbish it's not rubbish as in it's a lie it's true it's just it's not a great way a brilliant way to live

and I was an adult as well it's not like I was you know I was 37 when I moved there and I was there from November 2007 to January 2011 so that's what three years and two months and that week that they were away I thought you know it might have been actually longer they might be in a way two two weeks I'm making that stop smoking course 10 days not one week 10 days and they were away for 14 days so what I had I had all the equipment set up I mean it'd be

so much easier now I mean I've got well the equipment I've got now the editing the microphones is just you know 100% better than what I had then but I did my best and I edited I just edited and edited and edited and edited trying to get rid of every single sound background sound and I also would repeat words so I'd replace words with me you know it's almost like what I've seen in a recording studio so I did do a few recordings in a recording studio in the past no idea what happened to those

recordings if I'm honest they seem to have disappeared somewhere there's a few people out there with uh with cds uh that I did I don't know where they are they're somewhere oh yeah before I go any further I did have a message from Ben Ben Benny boy Ben Ben says hi Jason listen to your let me bore you to sleep and so hi Ben I'm not gonna reply but I'm gonna reply in here but I don't know if you um what I'll do is maybe I should reply anyway I heard you talk about broadband I've

got one gigabit gigabyte speeds one gigabyte oh one gigabyte a second wow that's just really very very high and it's expensive 92 pounds a month from virgin but it's the most quickest I've ever seen thanks Ben well I researched that as soon as you said it actually I jumped up out of my chair I was so excited I practically floated across the room with anticipation and basically my feet are so smelly that the carpet won't allow it even gravity can't stand my feet so it elevates me in this in the arm what am I talking

about I checked it out virgin do not cover my area so virgin is not available where I live and I've been doing research yesterday and I did research today the one I found I found a couple one was zen something and it's it's and I went to a website and it was reviews and I said just check out the reviews and every one of them was bad for this product everyone was saying it's rubbish uh doesn't yeah keeps cutting out and all this stuff so I thought oh brilliant that's a shame and then I've looked

at the amount of ones still offered and I go on there and they say put your postcode in to see if you're eligible if we can offer this wonderfully fast broadband service multi bulpy bubble wubble fiber super wonderful stuff to you and everyone says sorry we can't do it the most we can give you is 72 megabytes a second which is not any use to me 72 megabytes a second no use I mean it's better but even in this saying um we guarantee you 42 megabytes a second so even though they're offering 72 they don't

guarantee 70 it's up to 72 but guarantee 42 when I'm guaranteed 39 it's just ridiculous there's no point swapping over for that I even had one that said and it was a super duper super duper one 200 megabytes a second or 400 megabytes a second something like that oh and they said well you can you know check your postcode to see if you know I'm gonna get so many emails and letters through the post now from these companies the amount of post times I put my postcode in right and I plugged the laptop in because

it's running out of juice hopefully it won't buzz move it a little bit further away from the microphone and what was I saying oh yeah and this this one came in as I think 1.

7 megabytes a second 1. 7 and they said you could use up to two devices at a time I'm gonna move away from the microphone I'm gonna move the microphone away from the laptop because it's buzzing a little bit hopefully you can't hear it it's like in fact I'm gonna turn it off I don't actually need it I don't need it to be on oh squeaky chair um what was I saying what was I saying 1.

7 megabytes a second you can't even watch Netflix on that I think you need at least five megabytes a second for Netflix or four I think I recommend at least four megabytes a second how can and they were charging I think not 20 20 pounds a month they should be giving me money they should be giving me money to take that crappy service absolutely ridiculous they should be ashamed of themselves they shouldn't be allowed shouldn't be allowed to charge for a service like 1.

7 megabytes I don't think any service under 50 megabytes a second should be allowed to charge personally this country is one of the worst in the world for internet there are whatever your preference would be third world developing world countries with better internet than we have here I'm not even joking okay let me show you I've researched this I'm not just making it up broadband broadband speed by country here we go da da da da da da da right megabytes a second so I want to see where the UK is um are we even on

here sometimes it's the united kingdom it's britain um united kingdom right the average speed we're number 35 out of the count out of all the countries in the world we're 35 on the list of internet speeds seriously you know the one below us Albania now 44.

49 so 44 megabytes a second is the average so I'm I suppose I shouldn't complain I'm getting around the average I'm getting at least 39 megabytes a second so I'm getting the average roughly now I'm surprised at this very surprised at some of these on their list now I don't know if this is correct it's speedtest.net and it's what it says so if it's incorrect blame them Hong Kong SAR in brackets what does SAR stand for generally I generally do not know Hong Kong 43 megabytes a second so we're in Hong Kong wouldn't you expect

Hong Kong of all places to have the top speed pretty much of the whole world they're they're way ahead technologically aren't they known for being like super smart super fast being like technologically superior to pretty much every other country in the world in it Hong Kong maybe I'm wrong Japan 40 megabytes a second was it

Japan I'm thinking about Japan wouldn't you expect them to be much higher but you know what if they're doing an average I bet you in the capital where the money is in Japan I bet they've got very high internet speeds the business people and then maybe in the the provinces I don't know if that's the right word but in the places where I was gonna say the paddy fields but you know I'm just just where they where they collect straw I don't know where whatever's going on in like the little villages let's say that are

nowhere near the like the just the general population may not have access to fast internet and that's kind of where I am I think but I thought Japan would be a lot higher than that Poland 39 average that's what I'm getting so Poland Vietnam so nearly every country all the ones down not much lower than us but then if you look at the top the top ones United Arab Emirates their average internet speed is 127 megabytes a second Norway is second 107 megabytes see I know well people listen to me in the United Arab Emirates

hi everyone as people listen to me in Norway as well hi I've got a little fan little fan base in Norway which is quite quite cool I say fan base it's not they don't know each other there's two people but you know it's still a fan base kind of isn't it um South Korea 98 megabytes a second Qatar Qatar Qatar Qatar Qatar 92 megabytes Netherlands 91 megabytes a second Saudi Arabia not 88 megabytes a second Bulgaria 83 megabytes see again Bulgaria I love Bulgaria I've been to Bulgaria and you know I've got I've got a

very soft spot hard spot which is where you look at it I've got a very soft spot in my heart for Bulgaria because I had a good time there and I like the people that I met I hated the ones I didn't meet but I loved the ones I didn't meet I did they were lovely so but why have they got such a higher than me than this country when this country like is supposed to be so much better always so much better than these eastern European countries we're rich and we've got more money and

all that well they've got better internet so they're way above us any country that's got faster internet is superior to us because ultimately we rely on the internet so much in fact we probably rely on the internet in the UK or in Britain um Commonwealth whatever more than people in Bulgaria I bet you I bet you they're they still go shopping they've still got you know they I bet they do less internet shopping than people in my country in this country where I am yet they've got faster internet maybe that's why they've got faster internet

less people are using it I don't know no traffic jams which is kind of when the broadband get I don't know Cyprus 81 Switzerland 80 Australia 72 no 79 megabytes China 78 I can't say China is China it's like certain political people I mean saying China so much over the last like four or five years or whatever it's like China is like I just want to say China but I'm going China um Kuwait 77 I thought China would be at the top again because of their superiority when it comes to technology I mean China is

I mean phenomenal aren't they technologically China are they've embraced the internet and there's places in China where you can't use cash you literally can't you can't even use cash to buy an ice cream you know there's tokens and there's cards or use your phone and it's you know it's way more advanced I think than pretty much most other countries now I'm thinking Dubai United Arab Emirates which Dubai is part of is it not pretty sure yeah I would assume that the richest a place where the most money is would have the most highest technology I

might be wrong but United Arab Emirates is I mean no one can deny it's a rich place like financially at the moment anyway when the oil stops being needed I don't know what they'll do then but I'm pretty sure they've got they're rich in other elements and stuff and there's got to come a time when you've got enough money and I think what they're trying to do over there is make it a tourist place and it looks like it's be quite an amazing place to to visit also to me it looks like Dubai Dubai Dubai

I just want to say I want to keep saying Dubai but it's Dubai isn't it um it seems to be the future the future is as much as well they're in a desert there's nothing there and they created a city in the desert not just a city but among the most beautiful cities in the world most technologically advanced cities in the world probably is the most technologically advanced the tallest buildings in the world a hotel the biggest hotels in the world you know it's just phenomenal what they've done and just makes you see what could

be done in deserts there's lots of deserts in the world I know that the casinos this that was done done many years ago with the casinos and everything that was built in the deserts in America so I guess it's not new technology you know building something in the desert getting the water in however they much they do that and stuff however they manage to do that but it's just phenomenal what can be done and maybe that is the future but I don't know I'd like to go there just certain aspects that would worry me a

bit you know some of the laws would concern me just in case just being accused of doing something that you hadn't done but like getting arrested and the chance that it's yeah just that would worry me a little bit a little bit but I'd like to go there I'd like to visit but it's one of those places you just need to have a lot of money if you're near United Arab Emirates and you want to invite me and you're very rich then please wherever you are if you're very rich if you're very rich no but

I'd quite like to visit I'd love to see the the buildings and the you know the biggest hotel in the world and I don't know I just I mean I'd almost like to work in I don't really want to but I'd love to see behind the scenes I love those programs behind the scenes documentaries of the the biggest not rowboats what are they called not ferries you know ships and stuff where people go on holiday and tourist stuff and the biggest hotels the biggest restaurants the biggest factories I don't know whatever just I love all

that stuff I don't know why I just do I find it very I just find it fascinating it's a nice it's a nice break from reality I think I think that's what it is there's something warming or just it's it's quite nice just to watch see such huge things being done thousands of of people behind the scenes it's it's just phenomenal I just find it very very satisfying to watch Croatia Kuwait now Kuwait has got higher broadband than here than my country 77 megabytes Canada Finland Sweden United States United States how ironic is that I

don't know why it's ironic but you know there must be Kuwait has got is number 12 on the list of top speeds for internets United States 21 and I just I do wonder though I mean why why is United States not number one it's gone up by five position five points apparently but why I'd have thought that would be number one but you know what maybe it is more to do with the amount of people that are in the country but then China is 11 and they've got over a billion people and they're getting 78

megabytes a second so over a billion they're living there America's got about 360 million Germany it's probably about 60 million New Zealand was it New Zealand about 12 million 10 million it's not a huge amount it's probably maybe is it 6 million it's not a lot is it um I might have that wrong United Kingdom roughly about 68 million people live in the United Kingdom Poland I don't know about Poland Spain what's around about 30 million people live there who's the lowest let's have a look at the lowest internet speed 5.

17 megabytes so still higher than the one that was offered me East Timor Venezuela 5.

5 megabytes Afghanistan 5 megabytes but Afghanistan don't worry if you're listening Kuwait's now much higher than the United States so you probably will be in a few years I mean they've clearly got themselves um back Kuwait has got themselves back on track I mean I don't know if having good internet is a sign of prosperity but it's gotta be a sign of something I don't know what I don't know shut up shut up shut up shut up so that's it uh should finish my little story so what was the first story oh yeah the bloke

showed me some exercises and he did touch my bum he lied no he didn't he got me to he said that my legs were different lengths uh not sure about that and so I took them off and I measured them it seemed the same to me and did these exercises and it did seem to work so I did them for years and then I stopped um um when I did that recording I was watching Prison Break was it Prison Break Prison Break the TV show and I watched every single episode during those 10 days and

I think there was about was there six seasons and I loved it I loved it so much absolutely loved that show and I think that was all the stories I was telling there might be another thing I was talking about but I've forgotten it I've forgotten it well and truly it's gone out of my head sorry about that it's gone oh I'm gonna go now I'm tired I'm so tired so tired tomorrow I'm probably gonna make me make a nice hypnosis session yeah I might we'll see how it goes we'll see how it goes in

it I wonder if we're gonna get any snow anytime soon nice bit of snow I like snow I do I do really do anyway I'm gonna go now thank you for listening and be kind to yourself okay be gentle with yourself just notice notice when you're saying things to yourself they're just unkind they're just harsh and just say no gently in a gentle voice in your head say no it's not nice give yourself a break give yourself a you know some love give yourself some love yeah do it now take care lots of love bye