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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. It's the 3rd of January 2022.
A new year. What's changed? I still feel like we're in 2020. It's just the same.
There's no difference. It's just... Every year, every new year I have this little bit of positivity that comes all over me and I think, oh, it's going to be a better year. I'm going to be more positive.
I'm going to do great things. I'm going to do wonderful things this year. And I never do.
So I'll do all right, I suppose. I kind of do all right. Perhaps I should be a bit more in touch with the positivity.
And I'm trying to. I'm trying to get more positive. But it's... And I want to be.
I want to be more positive and I want these recordings to be more positive. And that's why I don't generally talk about, you know, the... You know, the end of the world and stuff. I try not to talk about that stuff.
But it's hard in a way when you know that every single person listening is being affected by it. But I like the idea. This is a break from that.
This is a, you know, this is a chance to just have a rest from all the worldly stuff. So I'm not sure how to do that. I've got to run out of ideas.
At the moment, the podcasts, it's going all right. On one level, it's not going very well at all. But on another level, it's going quite well.
So, you know, downloads is good. But other aspects is not going as planned. But it's OK.
It's we'll see. It's only only three days in to the year. We'll see what happens.
I just I have certain things I need to get done this year. One is to get out of debt. So, you know, I've spent a lot of money on or got into debt rather to get equipment.
And that's my own decision. It's my own. It's no one's fault.
I don't take responsibility at all. See, I don't see the point in sort of blaming myself for things. And if it doesn't, if I do something that hurts another person, you know, yeah, I'm to blame if that's the case.
And, you know, I apologize at least to myself. And if I don't get a chance to apologize to that person. But I sort of try and make a decision that won't happen again.
And like, you know, I feel I feel regretful or whatever. And it doesn't happen very often. But sometimes it does.
And, you know, I'm a human being. But when I think, you know, getting into debt. Yeah, it's my responsibility.
And if you want to go down the fault route, you know, it's my fault. But I don't feel the I really feel the the need to go down that blame game route. Because I don't do it to other people.
So why should I do it to myself? Or I try not to do it to other people when I catch myself doing it. You know, I try to put a stop to it. Oh, so it's their fault.
It's their fault. And not well, whether it is or not, how helpful is that? And I'm responsible for what I do. I'm responsible for my own life, for my own inner world, for my own emotions.
I'm responsible for how I react to what goes on in the world. How I react. So, yeah.
So I've just one of the things I really, really find helps me to get in touch with my positivity is to listen to Earl Nightingale. Now, a lot of people probably don't even know who this geezer is. Who's this bloody man? Earl Nightingale.
Oh, is he a nurse? Is he? No, he's not a nurse. Is he a bird? No, he's not a bird. He's not actually a nightingale.
Well, he was one of the original motivational speakers. One of the original ones who made albums and made vinyl records. In the 50s, you know, or 50s or 60s or whatever.
A long, long time ago. I can still remember how the music used to make me fart. So I remember I used to buy books from Nightingale Conant.
Conant, Nightingale Conant. And that is the book publishing company. So I didn't know who these people were.
Never didn't know a nightingale was an actual person. I guess it was a person, but I knew he was long dead. And I didn't really know who he was until I heard some of his recordings.
And apart from having the best damn voice I've ever heard. On a man. He's got a deep voice, but it's almost spiritual.
Honestly, it's weird. It's just like such a. Yeah, it's amazing. Some of the stuff that he says is a bit outdated, but it's gonna be.
You know, when he made those records. He was talking to men. He wasn't talking to women.
Women in those days were at home looking after kids. In those days, it was rare for a woman even to be working full time. You know, there was a time when that was the case, you know, in America as well, because that's where he was from.
So he, you know, some of the things like, oh, this is a little bit, a little bit outdated. But nothing he says is ever rude or, you know. Sort of against women or against anyone.
It wasn't. He was just. Dealing with the.
I don't know if I've explained this very well. It was the misogynist. Is that what you're saying? No, he wasn't.
He was lovely. But anyway, he's very, very. I feel very motivated, very positive, not so much motivated, but probably motivated as well.
But he's very, very much into what, how you think affects yourself. And we all know that's true. Or anyone with a brain cell knows that how we think, what we say to ourselves, what we think about affects how we feel.
I mean, it's the most obvious thing in the world, really. But it's one of those things that maybe we need to hear. And it's probably something that I didn't think about until probably I started reading.
Probably when I first started getting into Buddhism in the early 90s. That's when I first started to probably really think about that. And, you know, that's when I probably started to think, oh, how we think about what we think about affects how we feel.
And, you know, all about reactivity and stuff like that. But anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about there. I'm just saying it's something that I find calms me down listening to Mr Nightingale calms me down.
And it's like medicine almost feels like a nice little boost of positivity, which doesn't seem available in many places, which I find to be a bit of a shame. I don't know any positive people. Genuinely, I don't know one person who's particularly positive.
It's a negative. It might be an English thing. I don't know.
I'm sure there are positive English people. I just haven't met many of them. And, you know, it's England is very.
Just the common language is quite negative. You know, someone says, hello, how you doing? I've been worse. How are you today? Not too bad.
That that's the kind of language that we use. And we don't use it in a negative way, but it is negative language. How are you? Well, I'm not dead yet.
You know, we like to talk about the weather, which isn't necessarily a negative thing. But, you know, it's when the weather is really bad. That's when we love to talk about the weather.
It's a cult. I guess it's just a cultural thing. But by nature, I don't know why that is.
Maybe it's because of the the history of the English people coming from, I guess, such a huge amount of people in this country have come from poverty. Like if you go back in history to their great grandparents or great great grandparents were living in quite had very hard lives. And of course, there was the wars.
So that was even if people had better lives, then but then had come back from the wars and they'd have parents that were cold and maybe distant because they hadn't had any treatment. For the wounds, the emotional wounds that they had received from being at war. My granddad was an example of that.
He he was captured in. It was a prisoner of war in the Second World War. And they held he was thought to be dead.
Like my nan thought he was dead for two years. And then they found him in when the end of the war found him in a concentration camp. And he was skin and bones and I had to they couldn't bring him home yet.
They had to build him up again. So he was in hospital getting fed and to try and get him back to health. And then he was released to come home.
So my nan had a date when he was coming home. The whole street threw a street party for him. Welcome back, Ted.
And, you know, really, because they all liked it and they all knew him. And he was from that area. Grown up in that area, I think so.
And it was it was almost like a like a hero's welcome. And he was I don't know what time of the day he was supposed to arrive back. But he came in.
He did come. But he crept in the back way, crept in the back gate, went in the back door, went upstairs. He didn't want any part of the celebration.
He couldn't he wasn't emotionally able to deal with it. And I don't know why I'm talking about this, but he just he he was very to me anyway, a very, very quiet, very distant, quite cold person. Not horrible, not horrible.
You know, it's very friendly, all smiled when he saw me. But it was never spoke to me. Never had two conversations with him.
That was it that I can remember. And if you never if someone ever talks to you, when they do talk to you, you remember that conversation, even if it's just about worms. You remember the conversation.
But then when he got ill, not long before he passed away, he started talking about the war. They couldn't shut him up. He was talking about it.
Not that they wanted to shut him up, but he started talking about it. And he kept it inside for. From what, 1946 to 1991, however many years that is.
He kept it inside. It was that 45 years, 44, 45 years. He kept it inside, never mentioned it.
And then suddenly, you know. He was talking about it and he never spoke about it to his kids or to his wife, to my nan or anything. Because, you know, he got no help, got no help.
So there's a whole generation brought up in that. Very hard. Tough kind of people that were born, that like, that lived in hard times.
And I know it's the same all around the world. It's not just here. But I think a little bit of that still carries on.
You know, that kind of, it's quite famous in English being like for the stiff upper lip, grit in your teeth, carry on regardless. There's a lot of good qualities in that. And but there's a lot of anger can be kind of held in and anger always gets released eventually.
And it's never in a good way. So, yeah, I think there's a underlying kind of just sort of a negativity in this country. That's just what I've noticed.
And I've not been everywhere. I've not met everyone. But just seeing as America is a, even if it is fake a bit sometimes, but like the whole or it might seem a bit fake to other people, like they have a nice day.
I've heard it. I've only ever really seen on TV because I've not been to America, but I've seen on TV and in movies, have a nice day. But I've also seen it used sarcastically.
So when a customer's rude, have a nice day. Almost, you know, so we don't do that here, have a night. Well, I suppose some people do, but I quite like that.
But on the other side, I like manners. I'm not saying that America don't have manners. Obviously, what I'm saying is like if you go into a bar again, I'm going to go and buy what I see on TV and in movies, you go into a bar.
I see it in a bar. I'll have a whiskey, for example. You know, you say to the barman or bar lady, I'll have a whiskey and that's it.
Here, can I please have a whiskey? Thank you. So the idea of walking up to someone says, I'll have a pint. And not saying please is so alien to me.
And probably is for a lot of people. I mean, there are some people that would do that. But if someone does that in this country, they're being rude.
They're purposely being rude because that's not how it's done here. You say thank you and please. And that's one of those things everyone is taught.
So if you do go and say that, you know, I'll have a vodka on the rocks to someone at a bar or, you know, in a pub or in a restaurant. And you don't say please. And if you don't say thank you, I mean, we say please and thank you way too much, probably in this country.
I mean, in England, if someone bangs into you, you're likely to say sorry to them. Even though there's nothing to say sorry to them for. They're the ones that just banged into you.
But that's, you know, that's something that a lot of people, I think, find a bit weird about this country. I've got a friend who's from Ireland, but he also lived in America for quite a long time. And he used to really wind him up.
The English people always apologizing. I kind of, in a way, quite like it. Maybe it's weird that I like it.
But I just find it quite nice that. Is it weird? I quite like the idea of manners. But then that's how I was brought up.
So I guess it's hard to move away from what you've almost been brainwashed into doing, isn't it? Because that's all it is, really. It's just brainwashing. Not like in a horrible way, just it's you don't know any different.
You know, I mean, you get me. So I'm just letting you know what it's like here. I mean, my experience of other countries is pretty much, as I said, just what I've seen on telly doesn't mean it's real.
If it's really like that, it might be nothing like it. But if that isn't the case, if you don't go into a bar in America and say what you want, you know, I'll have a I'll have a pint of lager without saying, please, if that isn't the case, why does every American film and TV show that shows someone doing that do that? Everyone I've ever watched, not once has anyone said, please, sometimes they say thank you when they get the drink, but that's not even a regular thing. So it's culture difference, isn't it? But I'm surprised because, you know, America, a lot of Americans customers, customs would be English customs because America used to be England, didn't it? Well, used to be owned by England.
So a lot of the customs, a lot of the people that originally were living there were English until you kicked us out. So, yeah, I find that maybe that's how it used to be here. And we just evolved.
Evolved. I don't know, I'd like to see it firsthand. If it really is like that, because I do find it fascinating.
Other places like in Australia, the again, another place ruled by England. I mean, most countries were at one point when they India, Australia, Hong Kong. Blimey.
But yeah, the Australia's. Kind of gone. It has also distilled the traits of England still there.
But it seems to definitely. Seem to have more life, more lively, more. I don't know.
Again, just what I've seen on telly, I can't. I don't know. Like in the pubs, they seem to be a lot more energetic.
A lot more energetic. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just rabbiting on for the sake of it, really.
I'd like to visit America. I'd like to be quite good to sort of spend a year there. I don't know if you need a visa.
I guess you do. Just travel through. You know, from one end to the other.
Is it Route 66? Isn't isn't that a route that some famous route people take? Route 66, or is it Route 66? And the idea of, you know, staying in lots of motels. And yeah, but you know, it costs quite a bit of money to do that. Unless you have your own camper van.
If I, because I can't drive. Which means I'd have to have someone with me. So if I rented a camper van or something.
But having someone with me would kind of defeat the object of. Well, it would be a holiday if I was with someone, would it? That would just be a really annoying time. I don't know, just the idea.
Imagine someone with you all the time. Yes, Jason, I'm married. Okay, okay, fair enough.
But I'm talking about someone that you can't get away from. Still married? No, what I mean is. Imagine being with someone that you just.
You can't stand, you just don't want to see them again. You're just like, yep, married. No, no, I'm talking.
Imagine, I'm trying to think of another word, another way. Just nice to someone that you just need a little break from. You don't really want to spend all your time with them.
All together now, married. No, it's different. If I was married, it'd be with someone.
It'd be my best friend. She would be my best friend. And that's for me, that's what a wife would be.
It's not what a wife would have been years ago. For me, a wife, it would have been a different. Yeah, different.
I don't know, really sure how. But now, if I was, if I got married, she would be my best friend. As well as, you know, all the other aspects.
But more important than anything else, my best friend. And I think that's, to me, that would be the only way, for me anyway, that a marriage could work. But at the same time, I'd also need another best friend.
Someone that I could, because, you know, you need to have a break. It's good, you need, I think everyone needs to get away from who they're with, you know, every now and then. Even if it's just for an evening.
I remember I was dating this lady and I really liked her, a lot. And had things been different, I'd still be with her, I think. And actually not been married.
She was married, but she was separated. She wasn't living, she was, she was separated. But being married was complicated and he was, you're interested now, aren't you? I can tell.
You're really bored of all of like, oh God, what's he going on about? And now suddenly, he was in a relationship with a married woman. Suddenly, everyone's like listening. Oh, this is, this is the most first interesting thing that I've said in three years.
Thank you. You gossipers, gossip mongers. Well, let me, let me tell you all about it.
Yeah, let me tell you about her. I'm not going to tell you what her name was or anything like that. Because not that you're ever going to know.
But you know, it's personal, isn't it? No one's, no one's business, but mine. So I was working in this place. And she lived there.
She lived in this place that I worked at. And I was cleaning, I was a cleaner. And she used to, I used to open the door for her because she had a little baby in a pram.
And another little girl or boy or something, I can't remember. And she'd, I didn't take any notice of the kids. And she'd, I'd open the door for her.
Then she'd come in and she'd smile. And I'd see her every day. Like I was just, I seemed to have this little routine.
And I ended up being there and she'd come down. And I'd see her like most days for a couple of weeks. And I started getting to know her, talking to her a little bit.
I think I even got her name, I think. And, you know, she's like, thank you, Jason. Wink, wink.
I thought she was winking. I didn't realize she actually had an issue with her eye. She had some muscular, no she didn't.
Why am I making this stuff up? But anyway, she, I didn't think she liked me. I fancied her a lot. And, but I didn't really think anything of it.
And there was someone else that I really liked as well. And so, you know, I was kind of hoping to sort of get, maybe get to date her at the time before I met this one, this one. Anyway, one day I was, I think I was walking home from work on the way home and she was there.
So I said, oh, hello. And we're talking for probably about 20 minutes outside our home. And a child kept saying, I need the toilet, I need the toilet.
And we were ignoring the child, of course. And eventually she said, I'll have to go upstairs. I said, all right, see you then.
She said, do you want a cup of coffee? I said, no, I don't want a cup of coffee. I spent half an hour. Surely we should be able to go to bed now.
Half an hour, that's foreplay. No, I didn't. I said, yeah, okay, thanks.
So we had a cup of coffee and she spent, I probably spent about three hours listening to all about, you know, her and her relationship. So, you know, I listened to all that stuff for about three hours. And, and she gets up.
Her kids are in bed at this point. And she gets up and she leans over and she kisses me on the cheek. And then she stands, stands up.
She walks towards the window. I walk towards the window, you know, because she's just a sort of, I don't know, I just thought, hmm, I think she said, oh, you're nice or something. And then, then I walked to the window and I put my hand on her hand and with sparks, we, you know, we kind of had sparks.
You know what I mean? Like, like a little electric shock thing. Turns out our flat needed rewiring, but we didn't know at the time we thought it was chemistry. And we couldn't keep our hands off each other or any other parts.
It was like instant kind of, so that was powerful. And so we dated, you know, we sort of saw her, we started dating and stuff. And it was lovely.
And I really liked her, really, really, really liked her. But, you know, her husband was a handful and it was causing her problems. And she wasn't with him.
She wasn't with him at all and had no intention of getting back with him. But in the end, what happened is I went to Butlin's because my friend didn't pay the rent for the council house, even though I'd sorted it out so that he could pay the arrears. And I was paying him rent and he still didn't pay the arrears or the rent.
And we ended up getting evicted. So we had, I had, I think about a week's notice. He showed me the letter.
Don't know how long he had the letter for, but I had a week to get out. And I was going to be homeless. I told my girlfriend, I guess, hoping that she would say, we're moving here then.
And that is exactly how she sounded. As I said, she was lovely. I thought she'd say, moving here, Jason.
There's plenty of room. Identical. Honestly, that is how she sounded.
That's why I liked her so much because that lovely voice. First thing in the morning, hearing her sort of, you want some coffee? Jason, you want some coffee? And I'm like, oh, it honestly, it was like butterflies. Butterflies just making out inside my ears.
It was just really, it was being like being kissed by a, by an angel covered in chocolate. You know, I'm just saying it was a lovely, lovely feeling to hear her voice. Morning.
So this is good. So when I, when I, when I told her, I said, you know, I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to, I'm going to be homeless. I don't know why I said it like that.
I'm going to be homeless. And in a week's time, I literally had about a week. And she seen, you know, it's like, oh, and I'm waiting.
I'm waiting, thinking, okay. And I'm still waiting. And she said, do you want a cup of tea? I said, well, okay.
Yeah, thanks. But what about what I just said to you? What's that then? About me being evicted from where I'm living. Oh, and that was it.
I just, I don't, I knew it was going to, it was be awkward for me to move in because. Technically she wasn't single. She was single, but she wasn't, you know, it would have been awkward, I guess, complicated issues, but I did, I really, really, really loved her.
I think I just serious. Oh, really, really liked her a hell of a lot. And it's not that I wanted to live with her, but I used to stay over.
I used to stay over quite often. And that's something that I've only, at that point in my life, I'd only done with one person. Like stayed over.
I don't, it sounds like we're having like a pajama party. Are you having a sleepover? But it wasn't, it was a sleepover, but it was, but I felt comfortable sleeping with her. I've not felt that comfortable sleeping with people.
And I don't know, there's always that like, well, they strangle me when I'm asleep. You know, just that little bit. What do they get up to when I'm asleep? I mean, she used to watch me.
She said to me once like, do you know what? You stop breathing when you're asleep. You stopped breathing for about a minute. Well, why didn't you wake me up then? I wanted to see how far you'd go.
Do you love me? Yeah, of course I do. She used to ask me that. She got the hump with me once.
So she said, do you love me? I said, why do you keep asking me that? Now, that was the wrong thing to say. Okay. But I did love her.
But it's just like, I don't know. It's something, for some reason, it was, I guess maybe her insecurities. Or my over security thinking, well, of course I love you.
Why would you need to keep asking it? But clearly I wasn't saying it enough. I was young. You know, I was only 49 at the time.
So I wasn't very old. I was very young. Very immature.
Now at 51, I am. I think, to sound perfect sounds a bit, you know, but I'd probably say, yeah, I'm perfect. I, I didn't say enough, but you know, when, when is enough? When is enough? How, how many times is enough? Where's the rule book? That's what I want to know.
Where, where is, is, is someone cooks you dinner? Thank you. That was lovely. That's it.
You haven't got to keep saying, yeah, that was, that was a lovely meal. You cooked me 17 years ago. Thank you.
That was lovely. Do you still like the meal that I cooked you 4,000 years ago when you were nine? Yeah. Thanks.
I remember I went to lunch, well, it was dinner with a friend from work, probably about 2002. And he took me out with, it wasn't just me, it was another person from work and his whole family. We went to this place called Fat Joe's or something.
It was like a burger place, but it was, it was nice, nice place. And he spent, he did spend a lot of money in there, but then he was, he paid for everyone. He'd just come into a bit of money.
I think he'd got a loan actually, but you know, he, he was sort of throwing the money around. And the weird thing about it is, as the weeks passed, occasionally he said, how do you remember that meal we had? Yeah. And he'd say, like he wanted me to tell you how lovely it was, even though it was three weeks ago.
He opened his wallet up once and he pulled out the receipt from that meal. Just to remind me of how much he spent. Even though my part of the meal probably used, I don't know, 15 pound.
The meal may have cost him 100, 120. But you know, there was a lot of people, they had about seven kids and there was about four adults, five adults. So it was an expensive meal.
But my little bit didn't cost that much. They'd walk around with a receipt in his wallet so he could get it out. Do you remember when we had that burger and I paid it for you? I paid you for the, you know, I bought that burger for you.
Do you remember that? Yeah, but why are you mentioning it now? It's 35 years ago, mate. That was weird. That's strange.
So yeah, she didn't, she didn't offer me to move in. So I didn't know what to do. What the heck do you do? I'm about to be homeless.
I was, I was subletting. So I was living, I was renting a room in a council house, which wasn't my council house. It was a friend's council house.
So I had nowhere to go. I really didn't know what I was going to do. And then I was in the job centre and I saw an advert to work at Butlins, which is a holiday camp.
And I thought, oh, I'll be honest. I'd never really, I'd thought about it in the past, you know, just like, what would it be like to work in a holiday camp? I had thought about that in the past over the years, just because, you know, I grew up watching a TV show called Heidi High. Hootie Hoo, which is a comedy show that used to be on a Saturday evening in pretty, the early 80s.
Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie, Hootie. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Heidi, Heidi, Heidi and it was good.
I liked it. And I saw this advert in the job centre and basically it turned out that they, they didn't want to because it was a temporary position.
Just working the season, Christmas season this was because this was in November and they wanted someone or they wanted quite a few people and they didn't care about experience and they didn't need to think care about where you'd worked before or anything like that all you had to do is just have an interview there and then they had proof of who you were because you were unemployed so they were only employing unemployed people and the deal was I'd go there I'd still be unemployed I'd still get my benefits for the first month or through the
through the Christmas period so basically I'd still get my benefits but I'd get an extra 20 pound a week or something like that so that was the deal so it was basically almost a partnership between the job center the government or whatever and this holiday camp and I was living in London and a holiday camp was a long way away hundreds and hundreds of miles away and I saw the opportunity to have somewhere to live that's all I thought is this will solve my homeless problem and they wanted people to go as soon as possible
so I had I don't know what day this was this problem might have been a Thursday and they wanted me to go the following Friday or something like that so it was literally the day I think it turned out to be the day or the day before getting kicked out of the house the eviction so it really coincided very well and I remember walking back and I agree it was there's a few different jobs that I could have applied for within the holiday camp and but because I'd had experience working in a pub they put
me down to work behind a bar which I didn't really want to do but there wasn't a lot of different jobs really it was either working in a pub or in the kitchen or cleaning the chalets now cleaning the chalets probably would have been the better one for me to do but at the time I just they kind of steered me towards working in the pub and I thought okay it's more of a cleaner job and I thought maybe it might be okay it was okay actually I did all right kind of very is a
busiest it was the busiest bar that I've ever worked in ever and probably ever will or ever could just the amount of people thousands I don't know how much that about 2,000 people in that venue it was huge absolutely huge and there is I think three bars just one room but huge and a stage and as honestly it's you'd have to see well you I guess you'd have to see it to know what I mean but very big very very very big but I didn't I didn't know that at the time but I just I
thought well I have to have to kind of choose what I'm gonna do so I just thought okay I'll go with that so I'm just trying to I'm just looking at my phone it's just playing up for some reason okay so I remember I was walking home from from it's a good old walk actually to where my girlfriend lived and I wanted to sort of tell her I wanted to break the news to her I thought she'd be upset and I thought a lot of things and I said to her I've got a job and
I'm moving I'm moving to be in about three days time four days time and I'm going to be working at Butler's and living there we go near for she said in a beautiful voice angelic tones and I said well I need somewhere to live so I'm gonna be homeless I need somewhere to live I kept looking at us and I need somewhere to live and she wouldn't look at me she looked away at one point she just kept looking she kept looking at ceiling so much she fell over fell over the back of the sofa
because she's just trying to avoid my eyesight my you know just like trying to avoid my eyes my stare so she didn't want me living there and I didn't really want to go to Butlin's I want to be with my girlfriend my beautiful wonderful girlfriend and I'm being serious with that bit because I really did find her to be absolutely gorgeous but she she had different plans so I thought oh well fair enough I'm gonna go I'm gonna go to Butlin's and be at the holiday camp and do that and there's nothing you can do
to talk me out of it which is lucky because she didn't attempt that.
When it actually happened she seemed upset that I was going and again I said it's because I'm what why are you going there for and I said I am because I need somewhere to live and she just like honestly just at this point she just had sunglasses on she painted eyeballs on the sunglasses to make out as she was looking at me I mean come on I'm not four I can tell when someone does that besides enough people have done it in the past I need somewhere to live but it made no difference so in
the end I went she was supposed to come and see me off make sure that I really was leaving but she didn't she told me oh she was she was there but she she she couldn't face seeing me because she was so upset that I was leaving I said well I didn't have to leave you know.
Why did you go then? I told you. Is it because you needed somewhere to live?
yeah it is stop mocking me so yeah that was just the way it is so I went there and it's weird because that was the build-up to Christmas that was the Christmas season and after Christmas probably 90% of the staff went home because the Christmas season was over and then the well not not the whole of the Christmas season but people didn't stay there over Christmas it all finished you know the few days for Christmas and then it started a few days before New Year's Eve so there's about a week I think something like that
about a week maybe nine days where there was no nothing happening there and then of course New Year's Eve huge huge time to be working and stuff and I I got on really well with my managers and with this you know pretty much with everyone really and I was told I could have stayed so I could have stayed for as a permanent person and because I had nowhere to live I could have stayed living there I could have just stayed there in the offseason and worked you know I still had to work and do stuff
but I would have I don't know what but I'd have been there during the offseason and during that week between Christmas and New Year's I had I was just there and there was about there wasn't many of us to be fair that still stayed there a lot of people went home left and I was there and it was nice because there's only really maybe 20 of us were there and we were just eating and was hanging out all day it was nice playing cards it was very quiet but it was weird to go from being
hugely busy not just with customers but with also the staff because there was hundreds of staff and thousands of customers and hundreds of staff it was very busy busy busy place so that was a bit weird to be there and to have not you know nothing going on but because I because I didn't have anywhere to go I didn't have a home they let me stay there and I wasn't the only one there was a few others as well and but I probably you know it looked like I had a job if I wanted it
after the season finished but as it turned out I came back to London as some weird stuff happened which I'll talk about another day another time another time it was very strange but it wasn't it wasn't my doing it was just some strange strange stuff but you know what I was thinking about this the other day it's probably the only time in my life that I I don't know what it was but there was a sense of I don't know if it was camaraderie or whether it was I don't know because we all lived in
these blocks we didn't live inside a block I mean it was these rooms and there was two beds in each room so I was sharing a room I had two different people I shared a room with at different times and one moved out because he's a girl basically a girl that he liked came visited and she liked me and we went out for a drink now he didn't like that and he moved out now I didn't know that I didn't know that she was I didn't know he had a sort of a secret thing for
her but he couldn't stand the sight of me after that and he moved out we still stayed friends but it was a distance you know which is a shame because it was nice but had he said keep away from her please I would have done you know it would not made any difference to me because that's that's what friends do you don't if you know that your friend likes someone else there is a I would say this it depends because if you fall in love with someone and they fall in love with you then I
don't think anyone should get in the way of that that's not fair see if two people two adults fall in love like you know like that instant that feeling I've never had that knock not not when it's from both sides I've had an unequited was it called unrequited love or whatever I've had that for both sides but I've never you know like someone fall in love with me or me falling in love with them and but neither but you know the other side not really wanting it me not being into them or them not being
into me but if two people fall in love like the chances they'll spend the rest their lives together and who the hell has the right to get in the way of that regardless of what age they are as long as it's legal who's got the right to get in the way of that you shouldn't be together because she's too old for him or he's too old for her or you're from different religions or you shouldn't be there because I like her yeah but she doesn't like you there's a friend but she doesn't want to be
with you or he doesn't want to be she doesn't want he doesn't want to be with you he wants to be with me and you know so that's at the time I did I didn't feel that way about her I did really like you know I like that but it was just it was nice just if she was a friend you know just really just like him I'd have gone out for a drink with him but she smelt nicer what could I do and if you live in a room with someone you know you know
I think I think if you sleep in a room with someone for me I really didn't want to spend that much time with him outside of that it was enough sleeping in the room with him I didn't want to spend that much time with him out you know outside of that and it's the same with the next person that moved in you know it's like well yeah you know I liked him but sleeping in the room with him was enough when I got out of that room I wanted to spend time with other people but
we're still close you can't not be close really when you live in the room with someone there was a small room it was two two single beds and enough room probably two single bed widths between the beds so maybe like a double bed but size between the beds and there was a sink and that's it I think a bit of a good room and that but yeah there's an you can't avoid intimacy when you're sleeping in the same room as someone I mean intimacy is and well you smell in their farts aren't you it's you're
hearing this snoring and it you smell you know I mean if the smells stuck on smells today but that you know it's quite an intimate situation so you get to know someone kind of quite well I guess in fairly short time and what am I talking about it's I'm not sure if I'm part of me that it's not regret a little bit regret but there's a part of me that wishes I'd stuck it out there's something did happen there and this sounds like it's a lie but it's actually true because I lie all the time
unfortunately so not everything I say is true I don't know if you might have figured that out by now I do exaggerate for effect but but I think a lot of it is obvious lies not like you lied to me I'll never trust you again how dare you lie to me I believed everything he told me you know everything but it turned out it was your little lie it's not all a lie some of it some of it is I think it's good to mix lies and truth that way no one knows what's real and
what's not especially when you're talking about your life and that but I do I talk about a I do exaggerate stuff though which is fun it's all for fun man what's wrong with fun a little bit of fun a little bit of fun let's all have some bloody fun so there's a little part of me that wonders what would have happened if I'd stayed and this thing that happened that you might not believe it but it really did happen is I think it was one afternoon we was in the pub it was the bar for
staff it was a staff bar it was a big old place and me and I was friends with the people I worked with so I used to drink with them I used to drink I used to be friends with the people that lived in my block okay the block of where I lived so a lot of us just be friends because it'll be set using the same shower rooms and being in and out of each other's rooms and stuff and so we kind of got to know quite a few people there and so I'd be
friends with a few groups so I never stuck to just one group I was I did spread my love and it was the first time I'd really had that kind of social interaction really never had that before but also I don't have I never drunk that much before I was drinking every single night and it was brilliant it was really really good and not for the drinking bit but also I was eating three times a day three cooked meals a day which meant I could drink more I put weight on for the first time I
actually felt a bit more confident about my body because in those days it didn't matter how much I weighed I was always gonna be slim I didn't have my fat my fat ratio is like minus percent you know it's ridiculous really really low so even though I put about a stone on it was a good stone you know stone of health stone of health what am I talking about but I felt you know a bit more confident a bit stronger within myself anyway so I had all these friends a lot of friends and I don't
know what it was I think I'd because I was quite funny I made them laugh and stuff and I also did a karaoke because I could sing back then so they'd like oh you can sing is funny why don't you become a red coat or blue coat whatever it was which is one of the entertainers at Butlin's I think it's a red coat it's quite a very prestigious position in the holiday resort you're basically an entertainer and it's if you wear the red coat and it just it's a prominent position and I said oh yeah
I'd like to do that but you know I don't know wouldn't and they said oh come on let's take you someone said I know where the office is where you can apply I said no no and they said oh come on and then they all this is true it sounds like it's a lie but it's true they picked me up and carried me there there's about eight of them as 800 of them there's about eight or ten not all of them were carrying me cuz I didn't weigh that much but they carried me all the
way out of the bar all the way through the thing into where the it wasn't it wasn't a long journey to the office and then put me down on the floor and they said to the person he needs to be a red coat and the lady behind the office counter said no we we're not taking any people on at the moment that's all been done you have to wait until next year bit of an anti-climax not just to the story but to the actual event itself because we all just looked at each other oh and
everyone started to sort of walk out so do you not want to carry me back and they said no I felt a little bit embarrassed asking that now they said don't worry about it I mean you should feel embarrassed but don't worry which made me feel embarrassed for saying it out loud I was embarrassed I remember once one of the things I did a brass song in the karaoke and I think it might be I owe you nothing I watch you crumble but you feel whatever and the next day some random person I didn't even
know he said I like your voice I like your singing last night I said thanks that's nice and then another weird thing happened I did there's one night we were drunk well I was always drunk but one night I was there and right in front of the toilets the entrance to the toilet so in the in the staff bar I don't know how but I got talking to someone who I didn't know who he was never met him before and I don't know what the hell we were talking about but we were talking for about
an hour just stood there for an hour I didn't realize till afterwards that a bunch of people thought that we were about to have a fight like that we were in an argument and thought it was gonna kick off and they're all getting ready to have a big punch-up and I said no look every now and then there's like you okay look yeah and it's they come up to him say you're all right everything all right yeah even the people behind the bar were asking so I don't know if we were being aggressive or whatever
but we're just it was genuinely just talking to each other it wasn't aggression wasn't anything like that wasn't any horribleness we get on really really well and but from the outside view it looked like it was a confrontation but it really wasn't it wasn't at all one inch of con that's let's not use inches as a description it wasn't there was no kind of penetration and I was not using penetrate you know there was it was it wasn't any there wasn't any any any confrontation or aggression and involved you know it was it was just
pure friendliness no injection and I'm saying it was nice but I can't remember at all what we were talking about really don't know all I remember is he wore a hat and I never saw him again now I'm wondering whether I might have had a psychotic episode and it was that she's sitting standing there talking to myself for an hour and imagined he was there but I'm pretty sure he was there I do wonder sometimes la la la la la la la la la do do do do so today it's been a very hmm still
trying to I've been trying to update my website which is a big old thing you it's taken taking forever to do which is okay but not really it's not really okay because I'd like it to be done so I can get on and do other things but I'm sticking to it so time-consuming but today I've been working on the boring objects podcast and doing versions with five hours and ten hours and started to upload them and so I was editing them during the day and now I'm uploading them in the evening it's just in order
for me to move forward I need to get this done and I'm pleased with the website because I'm definitely filling in quite a few of the gaps with recording so the the website will be the best it's ever been when I've completed what needs to be completed it just as I said it is very time-consuming and I think it would be worth it in the end it's just gonna take a while I think it will be some I am making progress so I think it will be done a lot quicker than by the end of
the month I reckon I'll have made a lot of progression by the end of the week yeah that's why I do believe that it's just a case of because it's very very very boring some of it very repetitive and it's hard for me to keep my focus on it because it's this very little in a way of creativity involved it's just doing the same thing over and over and over again which is okay but not particularly mentally stimulating but it has to be done I mean now I've started it I need to keep doing it
until it's done once it's done I can get back on track and really get working you know really get back to producing new lots of new recordings and I'm looking forward to getting on that because at the moment I can do these ones but I can't I've not been able to do any of the other new recordings for a little while now for me it seems ages for other people probably not even noticed because you know the amount of recordings I make when I'm actually you know in the in the flow you know when it
whenever when there's no backdated stuff to do and it's just making new recordings you know sometimes I make four or five new recordings a day which is rare that's something that isn't done very often in the podcasting world that's an unusual kind of way of doing things but because I've got different podcasts I like to try and you know make new ones regularly so I will continue to do that as soon as I've completed what needs to be done and once the website's all updated I know that I mean the website doesn't have to be
updated before I continue but I'm updating the website at the same time as uploading the new edited recordings so it's kind of I'm doing them side by side if you if you know I mean if you know what I mean so tomorrow I will upload and update the website with the boring objects podcast so I'll do that tomorrow so that'll take a while and then I'll look at other ones to do I updated the stop smoking ones I update I've got relaxations and relaxation hypnosis for stress hypnosis for relaxation and stress daily something or whatever
it's called I've done the the normal ones the ones with background music and the ones with five hours of music I think I'm losing I'm not sure did I do that but I've done some stuff and I've done some whisper ones as well I lose track of what I've done but I'm pretty sure I've done I've done a lot I've done hundreds hundreds of new pages for the recordings with music and uploaded them as well so you can not only stream them on the website you can also download them as well as an mp3 so
that's just another service I offer really as part of this whole free service that I provide so it's it's nice to have different options I think or you think well you do think that I really do dreams can come true it's just a lot of time it's not even it is there is effort involved then it's not hard it's not like I'm digging a garden or anything you know it's not that kind of effort but sometimes doing something that's a bit boring a bit it seems to be a harder thing to sort of do sometimes
I find especially when I want to want to do other things but I can't do everything at the same time no matter how skilled I may be with my toes I can't do everything so it's a case of just focusing on what needs to be done now once what needs to be done is done it would never need to be done again I can just move and look forward and you know that comes there's gonna come a point where the only things I add to the website are new recordings and that will be easy because
that will take maybe I don't half an hour to an hour a day depending on how many recordings there are maybe half an hour's work maybe ten I don't know but you know it's not going to take a lot of time to do that which is good instead of at the moment every blah blah it's just yeah it's just constant so I'll be glad because I've got some I've got some plans for the website you know I've not I've not given it a huge amount of attention for quite some time you know I've tried to
keep it fairly up to date but now it's there's a lot more on there than there was before because I never used to have any recordings with the music now I do so it just gives more choice more choice and I'm planning to also do the same with the Let Me Bore You To Sleep recordings but I'm not going to devote hours every day doing that that's just something I'm gonna do over time and then when they're all done and they're all on the website I can then decide what to do whether to upload them
to the podcast or not so it's all good it's all good man other than that not a lot really is happening 82 minutes later not much happening at all just singing in the rain I've got an itchy shoulder oh I don't know why I do get itchy bits sometimes do you get itchy bits do you wonder why you get itchy bits because I don't know why I'd really like right now chocolate bar really really yeah really really really like a chocolate bar don't judge me and I do actually have a chocolate bar in the fridge
which I'm gonna eat I find that's the best way to best thing to do with them eat them or you like me chocolate bars it's nice why not also thinking about moving the I've got this bicycle it's a exercise bike I'm thinking of moving it from a bedroom into the living room and having it the other side of the room so I can use it while watching television because I just feel this year would be a good time to start to improve my fitness or maybe introduce some fitness into my life I'm still doing the
weights but that's not it's not enough you know internal internal fitness is just you know so important you know I mean you know I mean wow I'm just looking at all the recordings so I've been editing there's a lot a lot I'm not even exaggerating a lot and it's gonna take a while to get all done it really is which is okay it doesn't really matter but yeah you know I mean no no don't want that to dreams can come true so yeah I'm just gonna plod along hope for the best and continue to upload
this stuff and it should be good I mean I've got books to read I want to start I want to start absorbing I'm putting some putting some stuff inside me as in knowledge I want to start to because in a moment it's just it's you got you got to have stuff going inside in order to have stuff coming outside I will feed myself not food but I'm talking about knowledge and and to get that stimulation that can only really maybe be gone from a good book especially if it's something that's interesting or valid something is
useful yeah that's what I need I need what's weird strange 1610 so I'm uploading stuff as I'm speaking to you really but some of it's that's okay they're all these different devices all operating at the same time it's one two three four five four of them are uploading recordings ones recording me now here as we speak so there's some books I would like which I mentioned these before I can't get access to them at this moment but they're on Amazon so I might stick them on an Amazon list for those of you that may be
interested in giving them to me as a gift because then I can use them in this recording a lot of really weird silly facts pointless information stuff like that some of it should be funny so what I thought I would do this year is because I did used to do that in the early days and I've got a few books still I'd like to get some new stuff and you know get a big big collection not a huge collection but it's a nice collection of facts and figures and random stuff and because I know you'll
see I know that a lot of stuff just instantly available on the internet but sometimes it's nice to just look up book you know just to sit here and have maybe an encyclopedia in front of me a big colored encyclopedia and I can go through it and talk about what I've found in there sometimes that could be more fun than searching online so that's what I might try and do just collect some books that may be useful have a bit of useful information that may be random may may be unimportant even to your life or
my life but may be interesting nevertheless or maybe really boring which is just as good so that's that's another thing I'm looking to do very soon in fact I just have to find out where I am with certain things but I might if I put that together a wish list to Amazon wish list and none of the books are expensive so yeah I'm not getting an encyclopedia for 60 pound or anything like that it's just books that I think some of them are even on special offer but it would be good to have for those
collections and I can talk about them and I can sometime maybe revisit them and for the cases of something like an encyclopedia of birds or encyclopedia of worms or something really I can dip into it every now and then you know just just it's just for a bit of fun bit of fun there's no wrong with a bit of fun every now and then and I'd like to you know do something like that so if that interests you to participate in sending me a book like that you know buying one of the books from Amazon
from my Amazon wish list once I set it up because I don't have one at the moment but I will set it up I've got them all saved I've got about 10 or 15 about 10 books all saved for later in my Amazon basket so what I'll do is I'll put them into a wish list and I'll put the link you all in there I'll put the link maybe I don't know I'll just tell you what the what the link is and maybe stick it somewhere on Facebook maybe on my website as well and then
of course I will say thank you to anyone anyone that sends them and also I know I mean a lot of you be asleep now but if there is anyone that's still awake you know if you've got any messages or anything like that I'm happy to read them out birthday messages anything I'm happy to sort of say hello and I went through periods when I'd have a lot of people I'll say hello to my him and her and and then more recently hardly anyone sort of really contacts me I get the occasional message I've got
one earlier actually but I can't find it monster I can't find it can't find it there is a I get problems with Facebook because I got a few different pages I don't always get access to the messages they seem to go go missing or hide when I go into a page I don't know why someone tell me why so yeah I still got this is gonna take hours before I finished here it's weird I really didn't expect it to be quite this time-consuming but it is so you know just might as well just stick with
the facts there is time-consuming and I either do or I don't do it that's the bottom line and I'm gonna do it because I want it to be done and the only one to be done the only way that it will be done is if I do it it's not gonna happen on its own because you know I've got a sign on my wall you do nothing you get nothing 17 10 17 okay so it's a little bit of a juggling thing here so continuously adding stuff and everything but 17 was that's 17 19 no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no do no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no was it was not allowed to watch that, when I was a kid, saying that though, must have watched it.
Because I remember watching it when I was a kid. Because when I keep saying that, I didn't watch that when I was a kid but I must have watched it at some point because, I watched it when I was a kid, you know what I mean, Do you know what it mean? Do ya? When I fell in love with you, it was a bit of a shock because I didn't know who you were. So I'm going to be, I guess for the first, the next few days, I'm just going to be doing the same thing as what I'm doing now, but it will be done.
It will be finished and completed eventually. Once it's done, oh yeah, I'll be pretty, pretty pleased. Very much so.
Just happy to have it out of the way.
so that was a different show altogether but I bet you the music was from the same person yeah I'll bet you anything bet you a million dollars that was Grange Hill I used to like Starsky and Hutch again another program I wasn't allowed to watch yeah I did watch it so um I've been lying to myself all these years all these programs I wasn't allowed to watch well how do I remember them then how do I remember something that I never watched I remember whole episodes and I mean maybe it's because you watch them now
no I remember specific episodes of both the two different tv shows so I guess I was allowed to start late at the weekends which was good and I think Starsky and Hutch was on on a Saturday I do believe at one point but the professionals I'm sure used to be on weekday I don't know maybe maybe baby so I guess that's the end of the recording I guess that's it innit so I'm gonna go thank you very much for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.