#750 Let me bore you to sleep - WARTS AND ALL - Jason Newland (13th OCTOBER 2021)

Hello, welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name's Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Um, hi, how you doing? I love you. How are you all? Hope you're well.

And thank you for listening. Because I know a lot of you out there are listening regularly, and I very much appreciate it. I'm laughing at that.

God, that was insincere, wasn't it? No, I meant it. I mean it. I'm really, I'm really grateful.

No, I really am. That's why I'm laughing, because it sounded insincere, but I'm not being insincere. I'm really being sincere.

I am. Oh, dear. I'm so childish.

But genuinely, genuinely, genuinely, thanks. No, I am. I'm really, really great.

That's a terrible start to a podcast. Seriously, you made my life worth living. No, it is.

It is. I'm just going to shut up. I'm just going to get on with the podcast.

Get on with the recording. I'm just talking rubbish already. It's quite a good start, really.

An hour of rubbish started in the first second with rubbish, right? Although it wasn't rubbish. I meant it. I meant it.

I'm grateful for you listening, because if you didn't listen, I wouldn't make any recordings. Simple as that. So I only do it because there's an audience.

If there was no audience, I wouldn't do it. Okay, taking me 16 years to build the audience up, nearly 17 years. But you know, I don't know what the point of that was.

But yeah, it's basically, it's not like the audience has suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I have worked at it. I'm cornering my left mouth.

My left mouth. How many mouths have you got? The left corner of my mouth is a bit sensitive. Oh no, the herpes has returned.

I don't have herpes. Although I did date a girl with herpes once. A lady rather.

I remember the first time we were intimate, like intimate, intimate, in bed. I was about to dunk the donut and she basically said to me, I've got something, I've got something to tell you. Because that's how she talked.

I've got something to tell you. I said, yeah, what? I said, yeah, yes, my darling. What is it that you have to tell me? Because I'm romantic like that.

And she says, I have herpes. Okay. I wish you hadn't told me.

And I'll be honest, right? Some would say, well, did it bother you? Yeah, actually, it did bother me. It bothered every part of me, but one part who didn't care. Honestly, even my brain was saying, well, okay, it's not like, you know, I can't, I'm not gonna have a relationship with this person because I liked her and it wouldn't have affected that, or that we couldn't make sweet love.

But it's probably the most turn offish thing that you're ever going to hear in the throes of, you know, that's not a conversation to have in bed. That's, you know, it's like, well, over coffee, ideally in a public place for your safety, possibly, you know, I don't know how safe I'd feel telling someone, by the way, do you know all those, you know, I told you that those things on the end of my, you know, I told you they were moles. Well, they're not actually moles, they're warts.

And yeah. So I didn't stop me. But it just wasn't a conversation I needed in.

It's just, that was, yeah, that was a weird one. I mean, I don't know. They say, well, she was honest.

Yeah. But at the wrong time, you know, if you want someone to, if you want someone to tell you that they love you, and I've had this a few times, Jason, do you love me? And I look down, I say, they're looking up and I say, yes. There's no other answer to that question.

Otherwise, they may stop cleaning the carpet or whatever they were doing, cooking, doing the jigsaw puzzle, whatever they were doing at the time. I just didn't want them to stop making the jigsaw puzzle. Because I was excited to see what the picture was.

I mean, I could have looked at the box, the cover on the box, but you know, he started, he started a podcast talking about herpes. I can't believe it. I suppose if there's any children listening, I should explain what herpes is.

Herpes is, it's basically herpes. Herpes is a little car. It's a little car that drives on its own.

It's a cousin of Herbie. It's Herbie's cousin. And basically, Herbie does, it's a little bit different from Herbie.

It's because Herbie's like round and it's a beetle, isn't it? This is in the shape of a wart. What's a wart? Okay. A wart is like a version of a, um, like a little mountain.

Like a little, a little scabby mountain. No, it's like a, like a witch. You know, the witches in the, in fairy tales, they have warts on the end of their nose.

Yeah, it's that. It sort of, it just means that they're witches. No, it means that they have magical powers, which is how the car drives on its own.

Cause it's magic, isn't it? Yeah. I'm so glad I don't have kids. Uh, you know, partly because how, I don't know how I do it, explaining some of this more adult stuff that they need to know about.

And secondly, I can't stand kids. So you go from Herbies to hating children. That's not a good start, you know? No, I don't hate kids at all.

I mean, hell we need them. I'm going to have to, kids are good. I'm going to have to have someone to look after me when I'm older, aren't I? Someone's going to have to wipe me bum and feed me.

So the kids that are born now, when I'm older, they're going to be in their thirties or whatever, forties, and they'll be looking after me. So yeah. So got to have them.

Otherwise we're just, what are we going to do? I don't know. I don't care. I'll be old.

I don't care. The colour of your hair. Yeah.

It's weird, isn't it? Like how far off am I from living in a care home? You know, 51. I might be in a care home in 10 years. I might, I might be dead.

I don't know. It's just crazy, isn't it? It's just like, wow, such a weird age because when you're young, you can ignore stuff to your detriment maybe. But you know, you can kind of, even if you go to a doctor, I used to go to a doctor when I was young and I'd have a pain in my chest and straight away they dismissed it saying, well, it's not going to be, it's unlikely to have anything to do with your heart.

I'd have a pain in my stomach. It's unlikely to have anything. It's unlikely that it's diabetes.

It's unlikely that it's heart blood pressure. Unlikely that it's high cholesterol. All those kinds of things because I was so young.

Now it's the opposite. It's flipped on its bum. It's like, well, it's unlikely it's nothing.

It's probably something. We just need to find out what it is. Before the doctor's like dismiss it, like just don't worry about it.

Just come back if it's worse. Well, don't need you to tell me. Why don't you do something now while I'm here? Why come back when it's worse? It's already worse since I got here.

You've made me feel worse, doctor. You bastard. I never really liked doctors.

I know it's not a popular thing to say, but I think when I was a kid, I didn't mind. But when I was in hospital, I had my appendix out. A doctor, the parents were there with me and the doctor pulled the curtain around my bedroom, around the bed.

I mean, technically it wasn't my bedroom. It was in a hospital. But you know, if I sleep in a bed, I decide the whole room is now a bedroom.

It's one of those things I do. And, you know, set all my toys out and everything and everyone else has just got to just work around me and my weirdness and my controlling nature. So I was in there to have my appendix out.

I was having the operation in the night or the day, the day after. So this was in the early evening, late afternoon time. The doctor pulled the curtain around my bed, came in the thing and probed me.

I'll use that terminology, probed me with a digit on his hand. Okay. I thought he has his old arm up there.

Honestly, it was one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever had done to me. Well, it's no by a doctor. Yeah, it's the most uncomfortable thing.

I mean, surgeons, technically doctors aren't they? And I have had one actually, you know, cut me open and take my appendix out. So that's probably more uncomfortable, but forgetting that while I was actually awake. Now I should have been, I should have been euthanized for that one.

Having the probe because it was very, very uncomfortable. The weird thing about it is I've had very similar things done as an adult by loving companions. Never felt horrible.

So there was something very unusual about that. It was, it's horrible. So yeah, since then I didn't really like doctors and I haven't had a prostate exam yet, which would be pretty much the same thing as what was happening there.

But I've had enough digital experience since. I love the way, do you like the terminology? So I'm explaining but without, I could be having this conversation in church and no one even know. It might be a bit rude.

Yeah, wouldn't even, wouldn't even, wouldn't even interrupt the funeral. Honestly, it would be brilliant. And sometimes, and I'm thinking, I still don't want a stranger that I don't know outside of a romantic situation to really approach that particular area of my being.

And what if I like it? That'd be awkward for everyone. I mean, I say everyone, I can't imagine it'd be an audience, but yeah. And the idea of a woman doing it make, is very like, oh no.

But the idea of a man doing it is like, no, no. After that man, that doctor. And you know, I haven't had the greatest experiences with men over the years.

I do prefer my, I prefer just, although it's not a romantic situation, I just, I have more trust in women. Just, just, I don't know, just that kind of stuff with my body. Also, the reason being is because when I was ill in 2004, oh yeah, he used to do stuff with me.

No, that sounds wrong. But I was, again, I don't want to go into horrible details and this is supposed to be light hearted. But anyway, I had a bit of, I had, I was very ill for about 10 months and I had blood and you know, and every, probably every month I'd go to the doctors and he'd examine me up there.

And he didn't want to do it. He was very, very clear about that. I really didn't want him to do it.

But it was more kind of open up and it's all, it's like kind of being examined at an airport when under suspicion of smuggling, if you know what I mean. So it's more kind of like, just bend over and open wide. Open wide.

The thing is, he said to me once and it is like, he said, he said something that really just made me so self-conscious. You need to clean yourself more. You need to be cleaner, like inside.

Now, I was 24. I was, I was a clean person. I was always, I'd have at least one bath a month.

I was clean. But I had an upset stomach. So every time I ate, straight through me.

Even when I didn't, I'd be on and off the toilet all the time. And that was part of the problem that I had. And I was ill, seriously.

I was in absolute agony sometimes in my stomach. And they didn't even find out what it was. They told me after having examined me for everything they could.

I had, I even checked to see if I was pregnant. Seriously, everything. I had that, you know, jelly stuff they put on to ladies' tummies.

I had that. But on my, well on my stomach, but also on my, to check my kidneys and my liver and pancreas and stuff. I had a thingy down my throat, you know, camera.

They were going to stick one up my bum, but they didn't need to because they could see, they could already, they felt they kind of had everything. So they did blood tests, checking me for everything that they'd find if they looked up there, if you know what I mean. And they decided it was stress.

So that was my first diagnosis of stress when I was 24. And they put me on antidepressants and the symptoms went away. Within two weeks, I put half a stone on, within a month.

I couldn't believe it. I never, it never came back. Stress came back, but in different forms.

Stress is a weird thing. It's just, it manages to, it's just managing, it does, it changes shape. It adapts.

It's, it's weird. It's very strange. I've had so many physical symptoms of stress during my lifetime that nothing surprises me anymore.

Nowt surprises me. I tell you what does surprise me though, how quickly this flat got warm. I turned the heating on 10 minutes ago.

It's now too warm. And it was cold. I tell you, I was touching metal things.

So the little metal thing that goes into the side of the iPad, which connects to all the microphone and the equipment, that was cold, like really cold. Now, still cold. That wasn't a good example.

Not as cold though. Takes a bit for metal to warm up really, doesn't it? Not sure what to say next. Why don't we talk about a specific year in, in your lifetime and maybe what happened during that year? Oh, that's a good idea.

Maybe I will do that then. If it distracts us from what I've already talked about. Okay.

That's a good idea. Yes. So what year should we pick? Okay.

So I'm going to put what happened in what year? What happened in 19, should we say 2000? Not 2001. That'd be a little bit dominated. And I don't want to talk about that.

Although that was quite a big year for me. Made quite a few changes in that year, actually. Some that I didn't want.

What happened in 1999? Yeah, should we do that? So I'm googling this. Well, I'm actually Microsoft binging it, if you believe. I don't care anymore.

I don't care. Okay. Oh, excuse me.

20 years ago, so it's not my memory of 1999. I've got a few. But in 1999, I, wait a sec.

1999. Yeah, I did my, I did a lot of training in hypnosis and NLP in 1999. I first started training in 1988.

But 1999 was the big training. There's a lot of training. But I, there's a few things I remember in 1999.

One was, I was really ill with a terrible cold, like proper flu, that I caught from a cab driver. And it was in December. Yeah, it was in December.

And I got into this cab driver on the way home from the nightclub. And as soon as I got in there, it was a swamp. It was a swamp, honestly.

There was frogs jumping out of his ears, the cab driver, it was a swamp. And the heat was up. All the windows were closed.

Wasn't even particularly cold outside. And he was sniffling like that. And I said, could you open the window? He said no.

And I knew straight away, because I started to feel ill. It's probably him like that. That wasn't good.

And I started to feel ill. But you know, that was just like, I thought no, because I'd been avoiding, not avoiding, but you know, I tried to sort of keep away from people that have colds in general. I mean, I'd be like, Oh, God, I'd love to smash him to bits.

People like that just, I realise everyone's got to earn money and stuff. But he's the reason why so many people every year die. That might seem harsh, but it's not harsh.

People that are really ill. He was really ill. Instead of staying at home, because you know, with a cold, people have had to be taught to cover their mouth when they cough.

People have had to be taught to wash their hands after doing a dump. People had been taught to stay at home when they have a cold. In fact, enforced to do that, which I've always said, if you listen to any of my recordings in the past, I've always said that that's how it should be.

If someone's got a cold, they should stay out, they should get paid extra to stay at home. Mind you, everyone would be pretending they had colds then, wouldn't they? I know I would. But they should be sent home, should not be allowed in an office, especially with all the air conditioning spreading those germs to every office in the building.

You know, just disgusting. And all those heroes. I'm a hero because I came in and I'm not well.

Yeah, I'm a hero. No, you're an arsehole. That's what you are, because you came in and you spread that horrible plague of yours to everyone else in the office.

I've seen it in action. I've seen it. One person comes in.

Oh, people are feeling sorry for them. Are you OK? No, I've got a cold. I'm just, uh, but I've come in anyway because I know how important it is to get the work done.

You can't afford to have someone off sick. That's true. The company can't afford to have someone off sick, but they can less afford to have 15 people off sick than one.

I've seen it. One person comes in. I won't do the impression again, but.

Oh, I'll be OK. I just need to some Lemsip and then be fine. I can't help myself.

Just a Lemsip and I'll be OK. But I am a hero, don't you know? Yes, I didn't get much sleep. I was sweating so much.

I thought I woke up. I thought I'd wet the bed. Then I realised that, you know, I never sleep upside down.

And why would I wet myself on the pillow? Crouch down and do a wee wee on the pillow? No, I'd never do that. No, must just be sweat. Mmm, smelly, smelly sweat.

It's lovely. Yes. Yes, it's lovely because when I get home, the pillow, I imagine, will be quite a lot of watercress grown by the time I get home.

Have that and a sandwich, a cheese sandwich and watercress. I can't cut it. I'm a hero.

I'm such a trooper. I came in. No, you're not.

You're evil. You're evil. Maybe not evil, but yeah, stupid.

And now that's been pointed out. Something that I've been saying for 20 years now. It took, it took this horrible stuff to happen in order for people to realise that maybe going to work, travelling on a train, a packed train or a bus, coughing and spluttering over everyone.

Then going to work, coughing and spluttering over your colleagues. Maybe. Mmm, let me think.

Really. Let me think. Maybe.

It could be. Yeah, I'm thinking. Maybe.

Maybe it would be better to stay at home and keep your germs to yourself. Now that's, that's really complicated thinking that is. I suppose some people think you're just saying this because that's what the rules are.

You didn't think this before. I really did. Genuinely.

Now I lie 99% of the time, if I can. Sometimes if I can't think of anything to lie about, I just keep quiet. I'm not sure that's what my granddad used to say.

Well, he just said keep quiet. Keep quiet. I'm trying to shave.

I never quite understood that. I did, I mentioned it at work. I said what, can't you send her home? Or can't you send him? It wasn't, I was saying she, it was he.

I'm just being generic as it could be a man or a woman. Um, I've seen both. I've seen men and women both all come in.

They should be sent home. They don't never get sent home. The only way to get sent home, if you will, is to vomit on your desk.

You get sent home then. Or ideally vomit on your boss's desk. That's better because then you haven't ruined your own desk.

They send you home. They don't keep you there. They don't want you there if you're vomiting.

Anything else, snot everywhere is fine. Don't matter. Don't matter.

No one likes snot. Vomit. No one likes vomit.

No one. Apart from dogs. Dogs seem to like vomit for some reason.

I can't see a dog vomit and then eat. Oh, come on. That's just, uh, I'm sure I saw Andre do that once.

Ugh, stop it. I saw Andre once. I remember he weed.

He urinated and then started drinking it. Now, he had water there, okay. I never starved him or, you know, or anything stopped him from drinking water.

He had the run of the place. He always had food and water always available. And I'm not saying that like, oh, I'm not a good parent.

No, just factually, it was always said something. So he must have been getting something out of that that was missing. Or he was so lazy he couldn't be bothered to walk to the other side of the room.

What, to the middle of the room, in fact, to get some water. Or, which I think possibly more obvious, more because I don't do this, is drinking his own urine was better than drinking tap water. That might be what it is.

Because the tap water, I don't drink, I haven't drunk tap water since 1988. Since 1988, I've not drunk tap water. Admittedly, I have drunk tap water.

But not, you know, it's occasionally, you know, I'm talking every few years, it might come up that there's nothing else to drink. And I need to have a drink of something. So I will.

I will drink tap water, but only just be a little bit enough to sort of moist, moist, just enough to make myself moist. But I wouldn't drink it like that. Now, that might be part of the reason why I'm so healthy, or unhealthy, whichever way you look at it.

So I don't know, I, I became a salesman for a company that sold water filtration systems. So I went on a training, and they told us what's in the water, and showed us and we did tests and stuff. And after that, you can't go back to drinking water.

You can, but if you boil it, it's fine. You know, I got no, no issues with boiled water, with my tea or my coffee. And if there was anything wrong with the water, the government wouldn't be allowed to put it into tap.

So I'm sure the water, tap water is fine. It's just, you know, ultimately, if you magnify anything, you're going to see stuff you don't want to see. That's the bottom line, isn't it? If you go into any coffee house, and start testing the utensils, utensils, that's Christmas.

It's the knives and forks at Christmas, utensils, utensils, or counters or the tables or, or the cups and plates, you're going to find stuff that you really don't want to know about. And people have done that. People have gone in there and found, you know, basically, if every day, someone sneakily went into every single coffee place in the country, and tested a variety of different places, to make sure that places that should be clean, I'm pretty sure that nearly every one of those places will get shut down, at least for the day.

Because of the uncleanliness, even though they are sort of trying to be clean, there's still, you know, if you really look, so I'm saying if you really look, it's easy to find stuff that you don't want to find. Just like, you know, magnifying glasses are not magnifying glasses, microscopes, microscopes opened up whole new worlds, didn't they? The whole new worlds out there, just on this little wet patch on my chair. So if I stand up, it's a little wet patch, normal.

I mean, that'd be like a, like its own, like a little swamp nested area, like a top of a mountain. And there'd be all kinds of like, living beings, farming and hunting and sleeping, you know, be whole villages of, you know, different kinds of bacteria and germs and all living organisms, millions. So, you know, sometimes it's best not to know that stuff.

I don't know a lot about it, because I'm not that interested, but I know enough to gross myself out if I ever want to, which I guess is why I wash my hands. I'm not like OCD level at all, you know, but I do wash my hands every time I go out, even if it's just into the hallway or downstairs to do something or just to see my friend or in the garden. I always wash my hands when I get back, always wash my hands when I go out.

I'm working my way up to, I guess, I suppose, I'm thinking about washing my hands when I've done a poo. I'm thinking, but the amount of times I wash my hands, they've got to be pretty clean all the time now, aren't they? You'd be amazed, you might not be, if you're listening to this and you're a man, you probably won't be amazed at this unless you're just not. Well, firstly, if you don't spend a lot of time in public toilets, like me, or you just don't, some people don't take much notice of stuff.

I take notice of stuff. I notice things. I observe things.

I think there's some people that are almost oblivious to what's going on around them. I've met people, I'm sure there are people literally where they don't think, there's no thought going on. It's just what they're doing next.

I've got to go there, I've got to do this, I've got to do that, I've got to do this, and just focusing on what they've got to do next, and what they're doing now, and then what they're doing next, but no thought. Now, I'm not sure how real that is, and I don't know how it can be tested, I don't think it's true, actually. I think everyone thinks, but I don't think everyone enjoys thinking.

I think to a lot of people, thinking is uncomfortable, or uncomfortable, and they don't want it, they don't want to think. It's almost like thinking is sort of pushed upon them by their brain, and they don't want it, and I can understand that, I guess, because if the thoughts you're having are completely out, or seem out of your control, why would you want them? You know, I prefer to have my own thoughts, and to think, not to be in control of my thoughts, but I think I am to a degree, maybe not completely to how I kind of think I am.

You know, not always, sometimes my thoughts are very strange, hard to believe, with such a functional together person such as I, I wonder how do I come across? I wonder how I come across to people? I mean, there's only been 740 odd recordings on this podcast, so perhaps I should ask, how do I, how do I come across? I do a big burp, I'll put you on pause while I do that.

Nope, trap wind, I need burping, I need basically a giant to come and pick me up, and burp me, because you'd need a giant to pick me up, you'd need like proper huge person to be able to have me, to have me like a baby and burp, you'd have to be huge, huge. So, what was I talking about? What was I talking about? Yeah, public toilets, I think an alarm should go off, or no better still, if somebody walks past, walks out of the cubicle of a toilet, and walks past the six, doesn't wash their hands, they should get sprayed in the face with permanent ink, and there should be signs in every corner saying people with permanent ink sprayed in their face have not washed their hands after using the lavatory.

Yeah, that would be good, maybe not on the face, that's a bit harsh isn't it? But you have to have it so the person, so others could see it, if they sprayed it on your bum, and you know, mind you'd probably have clothes on wouldn't you? But you can kind of cover that up can't you, with a long shirt, or just, I don't know, hold a small person behind you, strap them to you, and so they're always covering you up for that rest of the day, or something like that, I don't know.

Would it work though? Would that even be enough? Because I've got a feeling that some people forget, as soon as something happens they've forgotten it happened. A bit like me when I make these recordings, I don't know what I was talking about. Sometimes it takes me longer to think up a title than it does to actually make the recording, which is a lie, but I was like, what did I talk about? I don't know, I still don't know.

Going to the toilet? Herpes, oh wow, she had herpes, herpes, and she was lovely, lovely. She did have a name, but you know, when we split up, I forgot her name, but I do remember the herpes, herpes, and as far as I know, I didn't catch it. In fact, I know I didn't catch it because I got tested for all the VD symptoms thingies, a couple of years later, or a year later, I got tested at a clinic by my girlfriend then, my new girlfriend.

She wouldn't touch me unless I got tested, which I did, got tested. Ironically, and to show again how only a tiny part of me needs to manage to control me. I said, are you having one done? You need to get one done.

She said, no, I've had one done and I was fine. That's what she said. Now, anyone with a brain, I wasn't using my, my big brain at the time.

Otherwise I said, no, you get yours done. If I want to get mine done, you get yours done. Let me see, let me see the results.

That would be the logical thing. But no, I said, okay, I'll get it done. And I kind of got my revenge a little bit because she didn't ask to see the results and I just told her, yeah, I'm clear.

So that was good. I mean, in fairness, I was clear, pretty much. The only thing they weren't sure was gonorrhoea.

Don't tell her. That was a bit inconclusive. They just like, well, you might have it, you might not.

And I said, I thought, well, it's not, it's not serious, is it? So I'm joking. Or am I? Oh, no, I am joking. Good, good, good, good, good.

Gonorrhoea. That's what Evander Holyfield handed me after, after being with Mike Tyson. Gonorrhoea.

Or what? Actually, no, it's really not good. I don't want to say anything about Mike Tyson because he's still, still scary. After all these years.

Gonorrhoea. Evander Holyfield got his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson during a fight in 1998 or 99, something like that. Gone.

Uh, ear, ear, gone, gone, ear. I mean, I don't know. That, that might be an old joke.

I just made it up. But it might have been, it probably was used back then. And I might have even heard it.

It just might be one of those things I've regurgitated without realizing. Although, you know, I spoke to a friend and I was talking about something. And he said, and he mentioned a comedian saying, well, that comedian or Frankie Ball, Frankie Ball already talks about that.

I was like, wait a minute. So we are allowed to talk about the same thing as other comedians. It's not like, oh, I've mentioned green hair, which no one else can mention green hair now.

No, that's not how it works. You know, I'm not going to repeat. I'm not going to copy what someone else does.

I'll just talk off the top of my head. If it comes out, similar things to someone else, then that's just, just life, you know, there's a good chance you talk about subjects. Someone else has said the same thing or a similar thing.

No, you can't talk about that because Frankie Ball mentioned it. So I actually remember the Frankie Ball bit and had nothing to do with what I was saying. I was saying something completely different.

That's so annoying. So limited, like the idea, like, no, that person has spoken on that subject. You got to talk about something else now.

No. Oh, but you must. But I won't.

I'll talk about what I want to talk about. And, you know, I'm just talking. I'd like to see a comedian do what I do.

No one else would, but I would. You know, I don't want nothing scripted. I've got nothing written down, nothing rehearsed.

I'm just talking about stuff, man. And every three or 400 recordings, I come out with something that's mildly amusing. So I reckon about 700 years, I will have a really good 20 minute slot to work on stage.

I will. I might already have that, you know, in reality, after all the recordings I've done, there might be enough one liners, enough silly things I've said to actually do to go back on stage. But you know what would be weird? And this is, I'm coming from an ego perspective a little bit with this.

If I went on stage, let's say I contacted a comedy club and said, please, can I do an open spot, which is what they do. You go on, you do a five minute slot for free if they allow you. And you don't get paid.

It's basically an audition. So you go on in front of you go on, maybe in the middle of the show, maybe sometimes in the beginning, but not normally. Now they will put you on a beginning because that could ruin the show, especially with my act.

So to put you on in the middle ish. And if you make the audience laugh, that's not enough. You need to make the promoter laugh or the promoter needs to like what you do, what you talk about.

You know, it doesn't matter if you can make the audience laugh, you know, snorting and choking on their sandwiches or whatever. But that's not enough. If the promoter doesn't like you, then you're not going to get a paid gig out of it.

So which doesn't seem very fair, but most promoters are not business people. They're not making any money really out of it. They just got a pub in a room in a pub.

So the majority of comedy clubs will be very small venues. And then you've got the medium sized venues, which would be bigger pubs, and maybe just a bigger audience. And they're more likely to give you a chance if you're good.

To be fair, no, that's not true. The smaller the club is, the more chance again, a gig. And they might give you a paid gig afterwards.

But you'd be doing a split with five other comedians and a door split where maybe there was seven audience members paying five pound each or something. So you ain't going to come out of it rich. But what I was going to say, if I go on stage and let's say I'm in an audience with 50 people or 100 people, it's such a tiny audience compared to what I'm used to.

And well, not in the moment, in the moment, there's no one. But to perform in front of such a tiny amount of people, only a tiny amount of people are going to hear it. It would be weird.

What I'd have to do is record it and then stick it on my podcast. So yeah, that might be what I'd do. But I'd have to do a different act every time.

What I could do is start my own comedy club, be the compere, which means I get to just do what I want. And that would be probably more suited to me. And maybe have a few jokes worked out and few planned, you know, but relax into an ad lib and talk to the audience and things like that.

That might be the way because that's what Frank Skinner did. And he's a really like, he was, he is famous in this country, but he was a comedian. He still does comedy, I think sometimes, but he's, he won the Perrier Award at Edinburgh in the early 90s.

I think he won it a year before Lee Evans. So I think he won it perhaps 91, maybe 93. Something like that.

I know Steve Coogan won it. Jenny Eclair won it. So I think I don't know what order I think Jenny Eclair won it first.

And then maybe Jack D. So Jack D, Steve Coogan, and John Thompson won it together. And Lee Evans won it. I don't think Jack D ever won it.

He was nominated though. I think he was nominated the same year as Lee Evans, but Lee Evans won it. And it's not called the Perrier Award anymore.

But it was it's now the Edinburgh Comedy Festival Award or something. And it was, to be fair, in comedy, let's say in this country in comedy, that would be like winning an Oscar. I guess that's the closest thing.

You win an Oscar or the BAFTAs or something. But yeah, an Oscar. Because there's nowhere bigger really.

I know Montreal Festival is huge. But for English comedians, Edinburgh Festival is the top where it used to be, maybe not anymore, but it used to be. So if you get even if you just get nominated, there's likelihood you're going to end up perhaps with your own TV show, a book deal.

You know, you're definitely going to get lots of, you'll end up on tour, you get a promotion, you know. So I've seen people that were nominated and ended up on TV loads of times. And if you win it, that's an Oscar.

That's an Oscar for you. You know, you get basically, you've, and you, people that win, a lot of people that win Oscars, they deserve the win. They deserve what they get.

And if you win an Oscar, you're pretty much set, generally, to be in, well, to make huge amounts of money. And, you know, to be, I don't know, and to be in huge films. You have your pick of them.

Because Oscar winning is, it just opens up so much more, so much for you. But then, you know, loads of people get away without winning an Oscar. Look at, what's his name? I can't remember his name now.

Jack, not Jack. Not Sean Penn. Oh, I forget his name.

But yeah, he, he won an Oscar recently, but he'd been nominated, I think, a few times. But I, yeah, so the, I mean, I could start a comedy festival here. How? I don't know.

Where? I don't know. It'd be impossible, really. I mean, there's no venues here.

Well, there are venues, but it's just a tiny, it's just a little town. It's a big town, but there's not much here. It's a big town, as in lots of houses and people, but as far as the actual town centre, with the pubs, with the clubs, with the shops.

And I don't know what percentage are even open, you know, within the shops. But maybe open a comedy club, or not a comedy club, where you're paying huge amounts of money for a building, but a comedy night, maybe once a week. And where would it be though? What venue would it be in? It'd have to be big.

I say big, like in comedy terms, if you've got your own comedy night in a pub, or in a room above a pub, or whatever. If you can get cut 100 people, you're doing brilliant. That's brilliant.

Even comedy clubs, the club that I was associated with, I think 200 seated. And that was, you know, it's, and that was a proper club built for comedy. So I think the comedy store, I think they can probably, or Jonglers can get like 400.

So you're going to get, or maybe three, I don't know. So you're not gonna get thousands, unless you do it in a theatre. Even then, the theatres don't always hold that many, a couple of thousand, two and a half thousand, like the average theatre, which is huge, but it's still not a huge amount of people really.

Although it is quite a lot of people to be fair. But it's not, I mean, we've got arenas and stadiums, where you can have 70,000 and stuff. But that doesn't work.

I can't see how it can really work with stand-up comedy. 70,000 people. It gets done, people do do it.

Loads of comedians have done Wembley Stadium, I think. But you'd have to have like massive screens everywhere. Because with a stand-up comedian, generally, it's just them and a microphone, and maybe a stool and a table with some glass on.

And that's it. In a theatre, it's a little bit different, because they might have a little back set. But in an arena, there's kind of no point, because you've got people perhaps behind you as well.

I've seen comedians on a turning stage. So they're talking, they're standing still, and the stage is continuously turning, so that the audience can see the front of him or her going around. So you can, you know, that's a little bit big.

I think I'd just go for a room. A room that can hold a couple of hundred. Because then you've got enough money to pay the acts.

But then how do you get people in? I mean, I can promote myself to a degree, but how many people in this area are going to come and your local paper, and it said that I was going to be comparing a comedy show in your local town? Some of you might actually want to come and see it. Just to find out if my bum really is that big. You know, if not for nothing else.

Are his ears really that hairy? Does he really smell like cheese? You know, there's lots of reasons for it. Maybe, I don't know. Now, I didn't get very far with 1999, did I? But that's the problem is, it's not so much a problem.

I've got a squeaky chair. It's not so much a problem as a fact that I get a little bit distracted. You know, if I say one thing that can lead to another, and then I'll spend the next 70 minutes talking about something that had nothing to do with what I was originally talking about.

Hard to believe, but that does sometimes happen. So, that's it for me for today. Maybe I'll talk about 1999 tomorrow.

Well, that's something to look forward to, isn't it? Boys and girls. Yes. So, thanks for listening.

Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Be gentle of yourself. Be gentle.

And notice when you're not being gentle, so that you can start to be gentle more of the time. Just a suggestion. Lots of love.

Bye.