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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.
I thought I would do a live stream, Facebook live stream, this podcast. Just for, it's something to do, isn't it? It's something to do. Might as well, I thought I would just, you know, give it a go.
I haven't done one for a little while. I'm just trying to get comfortable. I did something to my neck earlier.
I think I stretched and that was enough for my neck to go, ooh, that was weird. And it hurt. It's still hurting a little bit.
Now that cough will be edited out of the podcast. Nothing like a big, loud, booming cough to get you relaxed, is there? Ooh. So hello, anyone that's watching.
Boston Chickie, are you there? Hi. Can you hear me okay on the video? Because this is, I can't tell whether or not you can hear, basically. What I was going to do is maybe go onto Facebook and just check it out.
Go onto Facebook. Blimey, Facebook's gone weird. So I'm definitely on Facebook, which is good.
Or not, depending on how you view it. So yeah, it's, what time is it? It's 5 to 12 in the evening. It's a little bit later than what I normally do these podcasts.
I normally try to do the Let Me Boy To Sleep, about 11. But it's a little bit late because by the time I start doing it, I'm a bit tired and I'm just trying to get By the time it's finished, and then by the time I've edited it, and by the time I've uploaded it, it's time for me to go to bed. Bed! Yeah.
I might just go to sleep. I think yesterday, I actually fell asleep while I was making a recording. I did, I was like, I don't know.
I have no idea what I talked about, but I imagine whatever it was, whatever silliness came out of my mouth when I was asleep, would be no worse than what comes out of my mouth when I was awake. That's my feeling. In fact, what I should do, it's going to be weird, but I need to check the volume.
So I move this like this. So I can do it. Facebook.
Facebook's acting weird. I'm going on there, and it's skimming down really quickly, for no reason. I've never known it to do that before.
Very strange. Okay, I'm going to come out of that. What I'm going to do now is put my arm back there, which should... on Facebook, because there's no point having a video if you can't hear me, is there? Yes.
It's weird. It's like doing a loop now. It's working fine.
So it must just be my face that people are running away from. Not the volume. The volume is fine, isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah. So I had a message from Ben, and for some reason it's not on here. I don't know what's going on.
I get messages. So if I go onto Facebook, right, there was a message from Ben, and now it's not on there. Why? I know why.
It's only showing me the messages. It's not showing me the normal messages that I have on the normal Facebook page. It's showing me messages from the other Facebook page, and that don't make sense to me.
Don't make sense at all. So how do I get those messages up? I'm confused. So if anybody's sent me any messages lately, and I've not responded, it's not because I'm being my normal ignorant self.
It's because I ain't seen them. I haven't seen them at all. And for some reason, it's just not showing them.
It's showing messages on my big Facebook page, you know, the one where I've got, I don't know how many thousands, 20,000, or whatever, people that follow me on there, five people actually watch me. But on my normal Facebook page, which is where I would normally get my messages. And I do normally, I get a few, a few a week, not huge amounts, but it's not coming up.
And I didn't understand why. How am I supposed to find out? So sorry, if you sent me any messages, the reason, hi Molly. Hi Molly.
The reason I haven't responded is because I haven't seen the messages. That's why. But I saw a message earlier.
Molly says hi, Jason. Hey, Jason. How you doing, Jason? Yeah, I know.
It's a great name. But yeah, obviously not good enough. Is it? Jason's not a good enough name, is it? Mm hmm.
Should let it go. Should. I remember I had a girlfriend in 1995, took my teacup to wash it up, and there was still some tea in the bottom that I still hadn't drunk.
And I was going to drink that tea. And she took it before I had a chance to drink it. I haven't let that go.
And that's what, 20, 26 years ago. I don't let anything, still angry about that one. Yeah, I think we pretty much, that's why we split up.
You know, there's a limit. Everyone's got their buttons. Everyone's got their, their limitations.
Taking away my tea. That's in the days when I used to drink tea, as opposed to wear them as hats. I used to be a tea drinker.
I am again a tea drinker, but minimal. Even if I drink tea, maybe two cups of tea a day. That's it.
I prefer a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. But I've run out of coffee, so I drink teabag. Right, I drink tea.
I don't drink teabags. That'd be weird. I drink tea, I do.
But the garage, the petrol station near where I live is, I ain't got, well I ain't got nothing. There's no petrol there. There's no sugar.
There's no coffee. There's no coke. There's no, there's a lot of things they just don't have.
That was too exciting, wasn't it? I just want to, I want to turn the light off and close my eyes. Because sometimes when I do the podcast, I do actually have my eyes closed, which is possibly why I fall asleep. Because I just drift off, because I bore myself for a little while.
So I got a message from Ben. So hi Ben. I can't remember what he said.
Something, something, something. But I read it on my phone and now I ain't on the phone. Ain't there.
Ain't there. Unless I know what I'm going to do. I know how to find it.
I'm going to go on Facebook. But not the app. Go onto Facebook, the actual page.
I reckon then, oh maybe not. It's not even giving me the option. Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben.
Oh, that's weird. No, not even give me the option to look at. No, nothing.
Nout. Diddly squat. Oh, pedo po po.
Not much. Okay. Stuff it.
Stuff it. By the way, for those of you that think that I'm lying. It's really hard to sort of try and point out that I don't lie when I spend 95% of my time making these recordings and I lie when I do the Let Me Boy To Sleep.
But for me, it's, it's obvious lies. It's not, it's just obvious to me. Right.
If you can see this. I'll show this on screen. Can you see that? The last 30 days.
What does it say? 448,454 downloads. Look, this is proof. Proof I tell you.
Proof. See? I'm not lying. I've had 20,344 downloads today.
And this is the second recording. So that's just one recording done. It's not so much that I've had a lazy day.
But I've had a lazy day, I guess. Kind of. Just wasn't in the mood.
And partly I'll tell you why I want to go into all that. Yesterday, 25,790. The day before, 28,239.
It's the best I've ever had. Ever. Ever.
Not in my personal life. Because that would have been my first bloody but this this yes, yesterday, it's gone down. And then English teacher.
So 20,344 downloads today. Some basically get to the point where I can't seem to go below 20,000. Or it doesn't seem I can't see if everyone stopped listening.
There'd be people like I'll teach him. He thinks he can't go below 20,000. I'm gonna stop listening.
Please don't. Please don't. The irony of it is that I now make recordings that are a lot longer.
You know, 10 hour long recordings, which means that some people listen to less than they would. They'd listen to this one instead of maybe two or three. Someone sent me a message the other day saying that they can just listen to one recording and the music continues for 10 hours.
Which means in reality, I'm getting less downloads than I was before. Yeah, I'm getting more. I can't figure it out.
I don't understand. I don't. Some people say have you got any teeth, Jason? We don't open your mouth.
Yeah, it is talk. But it's almost like if you have teeth, we can just like a dark tunnel in between your weird lips. I do have teeth, but I can see them.
This is me smiling. I only got little teeth like a little. They're not like they're not tiny.
They're not like you know, not miniature teeth. But look, I only got one tooth at the bottom. They really look little, don't they? And I say I got little teeth when I actually show it on the camera.
When I talk, you can't see that I've got any teeth. And I understand it because if I when I watched people on television doing the news, or politicians, politicians, especially, all you see is their bottom teeth. Let me be.
Let me be. Let me be perfectly straight. Let me be perfectly clear.
All you can see is their bottom teeth. It's like a donkey eating a carrot. And my my bottom teeth just almost hidden.
I mean, my bottom teeth are there. It's like two inches from my bottom teeth to my top of my lip. I'm talking about an inch between my bottom of my teeth and my upper lip.
Weird, isn't it? I was born with a deformation, deformation, deformation or something. Is it strange? Is it? Hi, Riley. Riley Fox.
Riley Fox here. Just in time for my nap. Hi, Riley.
How you doing? Hello. Hello. I was just talking about.
I don't know. Summit. So I've got Oh, yeah, today.
Man. Right. I ordered some food, because I'm running out.
I ain't got a lot of stuff in just the ways. It's not an exciting story about that. But you know, I've eaten it all.
So Riley says been lovely to see you in this format. Thank you, Riley. And it's a bit weird.
For me, just in a kind of. I'll be honest, I don't like how I look, you know, I'm just and I'm sure there's people out there thinking, yeah, we understand. We can completely empathize with that.
We can see you. It's like, okay, thanks. But at the same time, this is how I look, you know.
And I think even if I had a big scar down my face, that would I would not embrace it, obviously. But I guess I this is how I look. This is what I look like.
And just the only thing I could do really to change how I look other than plastic surgery would be probably, you know, do something with a beard. I don't know what. Molly says you look lovely.
It's easy to flirt with me, Molly, when you're in Australia, the other side of the world, married with 15 children. Stop flirting, because one day I will come over there. I will.
And I'll stop flirting. Stop giving me hope. You know, someone said to me when I was about 18.
Yeah, I was 18. And I was living in this house full of women, just happened to be full of women. And I was the only man or whatever.
I'm quite a handsome lad. Thank you, Riley. Molly, you are still flirting.
Just honest. Flirty, flirty, McFlirty. Molly McFlirty, I'm going to call you from now on.
And thank you to both of you. You know what? Sometimes the nicest things that anyone can hear is a flat out lie. And I don't mind those kinds of lies.
Riley says I use lead. Can I be British now too? Yeah, you can be British now if you want. Yeah, you can.
You can be. I don't know what British is anymore, really. Anyone can be British.
It's with such a multicultural melting pot, whatever you want to call it in this country, that anyone from anywhere is pretty much welcome. This is a very. I think generally it's a welcoming country.
But there are. There are like anywhere there are people that. They don't.
But I tell you what it is. Even those people that are hardcore, like we don't want immigrants, we don't want people. If that if that particular person, right, that they say we don't want these people in the country, whatever, if that person's attractive to them.
Or really friendly or helps them, then it's fine. It's almost like they're so fickle. Oh, we don't you know, I know someone that doesn't I don't like Eastern Europeans.
But whenever he meets a nice one that he finds that gets on with, he loves them. It's just like he just doesn't want, you know, his overall thing is got an issue with Eastern Europeans living there for some reason. I can't quite get it.
But. That's what I think, you know, you know, with the there's a big thing about immigration and people, refugees, actually it's not immigration, refugees on boats come into the country to end of to escape and to, you know, come and find a better lifestyle or life, not lifestyle, but life. And I thought that I'd like to do like a comedy sketch of like a proper news footage where all these men, and this is women as well, but it's so it's mainly in my experience, it's more men that are kind of that way.
You know, really like got some kind of mental block. And you see them getting all angry, or as a boat coming, we can see in the distance a dinghy, not another dinghy full of immigrants, refugees. And as the dinghy got closer and closer, it was, and I would do this, actually have bikini clad ladies in there, pulling up and just see how it changes.
Yeah. And all these men, these bigoted men just jumping over trying to help them out of the dinghy. Come on, it's right, come on, it's really good here.
Yeah, do you need someone to live? So fickle, people with such hard line things, but so fickle. So yeah, come live here, anyone, as long as you're female. That's the thing, right? They just don't want men coming here.
I think that's, and I can understand that in a way, just from a sense of, there's enough men in this country, the less men there are, the more chance a man will meet a woman. I guess I can see the logic in that. Because there are parts of the country or parts of the world where it's dominant men, or it might be dominant women.
You know, it's more like five women to every man or 10 men to every woman. And it's a nightmare for those that, I don't know, it's just, it's just harder, I guess. So the less men there are in England, and the more women there are, so let's bring more women, get rid of the men, not all of them, but get rid of more men.
It just makes it more chance of getting a girlfriend. That's what it might be. They just want to get a girlfriend.
They don't really hate anyone. They're just lonely and they want someone to hold their hand. Riley says toxic masculinity is a funny thing.
I know, I know how horrible it can be. But I find it funny listening to them. Not when they're doing it to someone else, but when they're just ranting, spurting all this crap out.
And it's always the same stuff. Always the same stuff. I'm not racist, but... And then the next hour is just bigoted crap.
And it's funny because almost, um, like, like they're reading off a piece of paper, word for word. What I've heard so many times since I was a kid, word for word. And a lot of it happened in Brexit, during the build up to Brexit.
And I heard people, obviously, they were regurgitating word for word. What I'd heard, maybe 10, 20, 30 times, hundreds of times on the radio, because of all these debates going on. And I just thought, well, if you're going to have an argument, use your own thoughts, use your own examples, use your own analogies, not someone else's words.
Especially not, it's plagiarism, isn't it? It's like word for word. That's plagiarism. Stop it, man.
Stop it. Think, use your own words, use your own ideas, be creative. If you're going to have some, going to have some hate, be creative with the hate.
You know, make it funny. I don't, I mean, there is this, I don't expect to be talking about this, but I had this friend. I thought he was my friend, but I think he was trying to get me into bed, actually.
Anyway, he gave me somewhere to live. And he has he had this other bed, two beds in this room. And he did say, you can get in a bed, you can get in my bed if you want.
And I, I was 18. Yeah. Yeah, 18.
And I exploded verbally, probably not the kind of explosion he was hoping for. And I, I was, that's funny. I was probably the most homophobic rant you could ever hear came out of my mouth towards him.
And, but I didn't direct it at him. I was just saying, I am not this. I am not that.
And I, I started telling him what I was not. And he never came up again. Again, another good term of phrase.
But now, I don't really have those views. But pushed into a corner. And I was a kid still, I was a teenager, still a kid, with this grown man who was in his 30s.
Trying to take advantage of me, let's face it, you know, give me somewhere to live feeding me. He was taking advantage. And I probably wasn't aware of it.
But I kind of maybe subtly was aware that he was trying, he was pushing his luck. Because I'm not gay. And I got no issue.
I might have had a bit of an issue with gay people back then. I'll be honest. But I didn't know any better.
I was brought up in a homophobic, bigoted kind of environment. And the town was bigoted. The teachers were bigoted.
Everyone around me was kind of bigoted. Not in a horrible way. But just in general, anything out of the ordinary, we don't like.
We don't like that around here. Men and men kissing, women and women kiss. Well, we don't mind the women and women kissing.
I always found that a bit strange. Until I saw two women kissing and I thought, oh, I get you. I understand what you mean.
No. But anything, anything that's a bit different, I didn't like. And the TV in the 70s and the 80s.
All the comedy shows had bits of racism, sexism, homophobia. And it was comedy. It was like funny.
It was just acceptable to make fun of those people or those groups of people. Plus, there were certain things that were illegal. It was illegal for boys under the age of 18 to have sex.
It was illegal. Like prison, if you get caught. And I remember until the 90s, that was, I think, until the 90s that it became legal.
And I went to the House of Commons and they voted on it. And it was the quickest vote them old men ever made. Honestly, they went in, they voted really quickly and it was overturned.
And then it was 16 was the age that it was legal. And you could see the absolute joy on the faces of those politicians, especially the older ones, all like, great, I've now got no risk of going to prison. Because they did basically, you know, politicians are out for themselves.
They're out to make money for themselves. It seems a lot of them seem to be just... What? I can almost hear people on the podcast listeners just saying, shut up about politics. What on earth are you going on about? We're not interested in that.
Can't you just fart or something? What are you doing talking about politics? You're boring. I know it's supposed to be boring, but not that boring. We want to hear about politics.
We'll just turn the TV on and watch the news. What name is it? News. It's new.
New. What's new? Strange. I don't know how I got onto all that stuff.
But yeah, this this bloke happened twice. Can you believe it? Another friend in his 30s, probably about the same kind of age. Excuse me.
Because I was homeless a lot back then. I never really got to live on the streets. I didn't manage to get as bad as living on the streets.
I always found someone that would put me up overnight or something. And this friend, again, had two rooms, two beds in his room, studio apartment. And then when it came to bedtime, I was in the bed, my bed, well, the bed next to his.
And it was, you know, the same thing. You can get in here if you want. I mean, what do they get together? Did they? Is there a group of people trying to get young boys into bed? And like, well, you know, I just can't just can't seem to manage to get him in.
I like this young lad, but I can't get him into the bed. Well, if you tried this, what? Well, what you do is you, you get, you get two beds in your room. It means sleeping in a single bed.
But you know, but you get two beds in a room and when he's in his, you know, when he's got got his guard down, and he's in his bed, just sort of say, say the words I've written down for you. You fancy getting in my bed if you want, if you want to get in my bed. Works every time.
No, it doesn't. I mean, from my perspective, because I didn't get into the bed. No, I was just taking it far.
I just one bloke. I was in a gym again, I was 16 at this time. Might have even been 15, but around about 16 years old.
And I was going to the gym, I worked in a chip shop at the time. So I went to the gym in the afternoon, because we'd have the afternoon off. So you'd have the lunchtime finish at two, ish, I think, come back at five to get ready for the evening.
And that's not really relevant to the story. But I went to this gym. So I'm just in the gym pumping iron, all that stuff.
And they had a sauna in there, but it was like a separate room. I think I went in the sauna once, I think just to see what it was like. But there was this bloke started talking to me, like called me, because I was, I must be doing something in the doorway, he could see me.
So he had this towel, and he just dropped the towel. So he was there naked. And he said, Oh, come in here with me if you like.
I said, No, you're right. He said, Come in here. And then I, I had that same rant, I think, that I had, you know, a few years later.
And I was a kid, I was 16. I was a child, I was a child at 16. I think I had four, 14 pubes at that time.
And I wanted to hit him with something, I'll be honest. Because to me, that was, I don't know, I just felt wrong. Like he was, it just felt wrong.
It felt like, I felt actually intimidated by it. I felt quite scared by it, if I'm honest. It's getting heavy, isn't it? But I did, I felt scared.
Not even though I was in a much better position than him, because I had the metal bar in my hand. Because I was weight, you know, I had metal bars and stuff, because I was doing weights. I wasn't just walking around with a random metal bar in my hand.
I'm not that kind of person. And I complained to the manager upstairs, the owner of the gym. Now he'd known me for at least two years, the manager, right? He knew me well.
Not as well as the bloke in the sauna wanted to get to know me, but he knew me since I was a much younger child, when I was still at school. Because I helped him unload a lorry full of carpet for the gym when he moved. He was basically starting the gym, and he was there struggling with this carpet.
And me and my friend walked past and said, what are you doing? You're nicking that carpet, are you? What are you up to? And he said, oh, that's my gym. But I've got just all this carpet, it's huge. It loads, because it was quite, it wasn't, it was a massive gym, but he had two floors to fill.
And he said, I said, we'll give you a hand if you want. They said, really? I said, yeah, a free membership though to the gym. And he agreed.
So that was good. So I had free membership for probably for about two years, and then maybe a year or two, I don't know. But then I had to pay, I think, after that.
Unless I was still a free member, I can't remember. I think we helped him with some equipment as well, some of the gym equipment to move in as well. Like, you know, the bicycles and not the really heavy stuff, but maybe some of the weights, benches and stuff like that.
Anyway, so for me, I thought he was my friend. You know, he was nice, always friendly to me for those two years. And I was in there regularly for those two years.
I was pretty fit back then, completely skinny, but fit. So I'd go to the gym, but I didn't get, I didn't become big, like I wanted to. I wanted to be big, big and strong.
But didn't happen. I suppose I must have been fairly strong-ish because I was doing the weights. I must have been all right.
But I was definitely no strong man. I wasn't, you know, and I was just so little. I was honestly, I just couldn't put weight on no matter what I did, which is annoying because the amount of training I did, I could have been huge.
If I had the metabolism to, to be able to put weight on, I would have been big because of the amount of effort I put in. But instead I was just skinny, which some people would love to be able to be skinny. I know.
So I shouldn't really moan about it, but I'm going to because I didn't like being skinny. And even though being a bit overweight is probably the health problems that could be there. Um, and also, you know, the fact that I'm not getting any would possibly be to do with my body or whatever.
I might be a bit more, uh, I might, I don't know, people might, if I was skinny, I might get more. That's what I'm trying to say. I wouldn't swap this fat for being skinny.
Seriously. Hated being skinny more than being fat. Now I'm only really, I've got a belly, the rest of me, you can see that my arms, right? I haven't got fat arms.
I got no fat on my arms. Um, my boobies. Oh, well, but you know, okay.
I could, uh, a bit of exercise, a bit more weight training would definitely tone up my chest. My shoulders are all right. My legs aren't fat.
So it's just pretty much just midsection. I mean, I'm sure there's bits of fat all over, you know, that I don't kind of notice, but they're not, they're not kind of, there's no one watching. There's no one watching at all.
I could just fart and then people just stop watching. People just ain't, there's no one there. There's no one now at all.
Probably started going on and talking about refugees and then, oh no man, listen to this, but I'm on their side. See, I know what it's like to be on a very tiny level, very tiny level. I know what it's like.
Hi Diane. I know what it's like on a very, very tiny level to be a refugee. I'm talking a minute level compared to what people go through.
See, when I was a little kid, my mum used to run away with us to get away from this man. So we'd have our bags packed just like a suitcase or a quick bag and then we'd be huddled off and we'd be standing on a train station waiting for a train to take us away from this man. And a few times we ended up staying in a prison, not prison, in a police station.
So we'd be sleeping in bunk beds in a police station or a halfway house or whatever. So I kind of, there was that aspect of getting away, trying to find a better life, try to escape a difficult situation. So I kind of, on a very, as I said, a very minute level understand kind of what it would be like to upheave and to move.
And I've done it myself lots of times, having moved over 50 times since I left school. And that thing of like just moving or having, it's a complete minute level compared to what other people have gone through. So I'm not comparing.
I guess I am, but not really. Diane says, hope you were okay. Thanks, Diane.
You're the only person watching. You're the only person watching. How long we got? We got 35 minutes left of this podcast.
So I'm filming myself making the Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcast. But everyone who was watching has left. They just got fed up with me.
They used to love me. They used, they did. They used to, they used to love me.
But now, now they don't. They don't anymore. William says, what's up, man? Hey, William.
You all right? Hey. All's groovy in the hood. Just doing the thing.
I bored them to sleep, says Diane. Yeah, I must have bored them to sleep. And I reckon they just got so bored.
They had to turn it off and just lay down on the floor and just go to sleep. Couldn't even make it to the bed. Oh yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
Just getting off in the USA. What time is it there? Where you are? It's 38 minutes past midnight here in the UK of England. Diane said that's a good thing though.
Yeah. William says 738. So that's 738, I'm guessing.
Is that evening or AM? Diane says I'm in the UK. Cool. So you know what time it is because we don't have different time zones, do we? The whole of this island is one time zone.
PM, 738 PM. So I've been waiting for a payment that hasn't come through and it's, oh, my belly button's a bit sensitive. I'm not pregnant again, am I? That's weird.
William says I'm going to be listening to this tonight. You, it will, the thing is, as you probably, because if you listen to the podcasts and you're watching the live stream, the sound is going to be different. Although the sound's not too bad, is it? I listened to it on my other phone to check it and the sound sounds okay.
Um, but as you know, we want a little sexy microphone. Oh, it's very more, it's a, it's a bad quality sound. I, I edit out the coughing, but don't edit out the farts because I don't fart, of course.
Sound is fine. Yeah, I was quite surprised because I'm trying to think how I can measure it. Chocolate bar.
I'm, I'm two of those links away from more than two of that links away from two arrows away from the camera. Oh, I know. The phone in my mouth, I can't remember that.
Actually, nearly three, about three links of that away from the camera. The sound always sounds pretty good. Thank you.
So I'm using an iPhone. This is actually the new iPhone I've got, came today. Is it a three iPhone 13 pro? One terabyte storage.
Diane says, oh, stop. I'm on a diet. The chocolate fell in my mouth.
Oh, come on. Don't even know how I got there. I don't buy chocolate.
I steal it. I'm a shoplifter. No, I don't.
How did you saw that? It's on camera. I was holding it up as a measurement. And you say, okay, well, I aimed it to my, it was either that or it falls on the floor.
I think about all the people starving. You can't just drop chocolate on the floor. It's unfair.
So it has to go in my mouth. You're mocking people are starving. I'm not mocking anyone.
I'm just saying that it fell in my mouth. I remember it's not funny, but I remember getting told that when I was a kid, you got to eat all your dinner up. There's people starving in the world.
We'll send it to them. Send it to him. He's an envelope.
There's people starving in the world. Well, funny enough, you mentioned in that is giving me the images that I've seen on TV and it hasn't made me feel hungrier. If I'm right, you know, there's people starving.
Well, why don't you send them some of your lovely food? Why don't you pack some lovely dinners up? Why don't you go over there and cook for them? Instead of moaning at me. And she did. She left.
Everyone was happy, except my daddy wasn't too happy. He missed her cooking. My dad ain't a cook.
I mean, the only cook isn't, that's not his job. Electrician. But what it was, I mean, let's face it, anyone of my age, who's got a father, they're probably not going to be working anymore.
They're going to be retired. Because I'm 51. At the very earliest age, you know, if he was, say, 16, when he had me, it'd still be retirement age.
He was 25. So he's 70. Wow.
He's nearly 90. Blimey. Nearly 90.
He's not doing bad, you know, he hasn't got any mobility issues. He's not got a walking stick. I was about to say he's not in a wheelchair.
I mean, that's not really relevant, is it? He's done alright. That's what I'm trying to say. He's alright.
I don't know why that's funny. Just it's good. It's a good thing.
But it's making me laugh. It's a good thing. I used to have this friend.
And he was greedy. Greedy. I'm talking about chocolate in my mouth.
Greedy. I'm talking about greedy. He was a big, fat, greedy pig he was.
He just honestly, he's so huge. But because he always ate, he'd just eat anything. Little legs, massive upper body.
You know, he crumbled up. Not crumbled up. Imagine me hiding in a cupboard like that.
That's what his stomach, that kind of size, including the cupboard. Including the cupboard. And I don't know why I'm talking about his belly.
I mean, I'm, you know, I don't mind calling him fat because I'm fat. So it's fine. But he was fat.
But he was greedy. And that's why. If he hadn't been eating as much as he ate, he'd eat all time.
He'd eat when he was asleep. I don't mean sleep, eating. I'm talking he just had a fridge and a cooker and everything like right next to his bed.
And I used to do this impression that he didn't like. Okay, I'm gonna do it now. It's on camera, but you're not really gonna get the benefit on the podcast.
But I'm gonna do this impression. Okay. But he didn't like it.
I used to do it in front of him, but only when there's other people around. And I said, I'm gonna do an impression, everyone. This is Steve.
That might have been his name. Might not. This is Steve choking on a biscuit.
More like choking on a packet of biscuits. Anyway, this is Steve choking on a biscuit. Now you might need to watch the video to get the visual effects of this.
So what I'd do, I'd start choking, coughing, choking. Then I'd start trying to put more biscuits in my mouth. Like keep putting more biscuits in my mouth, even though I'm choking.
I'd actually do this with some biscuits. I'd get I do a visual thing. I put a biscuit in my mouth, start choking, and then I get more biscuits and start putting more biscuits in my mouth because I was so greedy.
So even choking, not being able to breathe, wasn't enough to stop him from eating. And I did another impression of him. Because he didn't stop talking either.
So my impression of him when he was just sitting on his own with no one else around, wiggling my tongue around because he just couldn't stop talking. He didn't have anyone to talk about. This is this is Steve after he'd lost his voice.
And that wasn't so great. But the biscuit one. I remember wanting to pat myself on the back with that because he didn't like it, which made it funnier.
And this is not a I'll be honest, this is not someone that I wasn't this. You couldn't bully him. It was impossible.
This is someone that would. He didn't like it because he was the one that normally would do it. He'd make fun of other people.
So he wasn't used to people making fun of him. And he was very funny. I'll be honest with you.
Don't like to be honest, but he was funny. But I just found it hilarious, because he just couldn't. He was so greedy.
He could eat a whole leg of lamb on his own in one sitting, plus vegetables and gravy and potatoes and carrots. So he ate healthy, but he ate a lot. He could eat two fried breakfasts.
Seriously, he could get through two fried breakfasts. I mean, I could argue saying well, two fried breakfasts is just one big breakfast. Yeah, you could.
You could. I mean, it's like saying a mansion is 14 bungalows. You know, it's not necessarily is it? It's not like, you know, it's how far you're going to push that.
So wait a minute, I hear something in the distance. What was that? That's a weird sound. Don't know.
Very strange. Don't know where it came from. Oh, no.
He never. He never did. Oh, he did.
He never. He really? Did he really do that? But he's supposed to be an adult. Isn't he supposed to be a therapist? Yeah, well, I was actually going to write a book for counselling students to try and cover some aspects that weren't covered in my counselling training, because I did three years full time at university to become a counsellor.
Well, the first two years is to become a counsellor, person centred counsellor. And then the third year was the dissertation to get the, you know, the degree, the undergraduate degree. So I thought I would, I wanted to do it with a friend, another counsellor who we worked together.
And I wanted to just basically answer a few questions and give a few tips and tips for just it might be useful. And she thought it was a good idea until she heard the title. What if I need to fart? That was a title.
And she said, I can't be associated with something like that. I'm a professional. I said, Yeah, but it's a good title.
I said, How often have you sat in there with a client that's telling you all this stuff, that's crying, maybe, and you want to give attention, you want to give all your attention to them. But you can, you can feel it bubbling. You can feel that air knocking to get out.
And she said, I can't remember if she answered or not answered the knock. It's the visual of a fart knocking. Hello.
Is this the exit? I'd like to, if you don't mind, it says exit on the door. Can we get out please? Yeah, anyway, she didn't like the title. But it wasn't just gonna, it wasn't going to be a farting book.
You know, that was just the title, title of it. And I would mention farting. I'd also mention, or mum stumps it, I've mentioned things like the smell of the room.
And problems with using the toilet, the shared toilet with the clients or, you know, because long before I studied or trained to become a counsellor, when I had my free pain relief service in my town, where I lived at the time, I did hypnosis with people to help relieve their chronic pain. And there's a free service. And I mentioned that because I am pleased with myself about it.
So there, you know, I set out to do something. And it took years, two years when no one was interested. Started in 2004.
By 2006, I got my first person interested. Seriously. You know, I had a website and everything and no one was interested.
So I built it up to the point where instead of visiting people in their home, I rented a room in a therapy centre on a Saturday morning because I was working full time as well at the time. Or, you know, so I rented this room Saturday morning. And in those days, I was drinking in the evening.
I don't really ever drink anymore. But in those days, I did. I used to drink, maybe at the pub or, you know, at home or whenever.
And I got up. So I'd worked the Friday, had some drinks in the evening, woke up too early. You know, I wasn't didn't want to get up.
Saturday morning, went to McDonald's on the way, had an egg McMuffin. I think it was a sausage and egg McMuffin. And maybe an orange juice, something like that.
And I think I ate that as I walked towards, I would have got that in town. So yeah, I probably would have eaten it, maybe eaten it in and then walked back. Or ate it as I walked towards the therapy centre.
Got in there, usually try to get there like 15 minutes before the first client. Now the egg and sausage McMuffin mixed with the orange juice, I decided to have a punch up inside my stomach, which led me to have to go to the toilet. And anyway, yeah, let's let's let's move fast forward a few a few minutes.
So I did what had to be done. And so I'm leaving, there's only one toilet in the whole place, one toilet. So I leave, and there's this lady waiting, she goes in there after me.
And I'm a little embarrassed because you know, I don't think there's even a window in there. I mean, I was still used to I still use the toilet, I would have done it out the window. I'm talking about ventilation.
And I just thought, oh, that's bad. But anyway, I thought that's okay. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna see her again.
You know where I'm going with this now, don't you? And it turns out, it turns out I was gonna see her again, about five minutes later. So when I went downstairs to, because I had not met her before, I spoke to her on the phone. So I went downstairs to the receptionist, and the receptionist said, you're 10 o'clock here, or nine o'clock here.
And I looked over, it's the woman that had, it's really hard. I don't know, just it's, it's, I found it strange to have a normal conversation with a stranger who's already smelt the inside of your anus. It's like, it's like, I feel like you know too much about me already.
And I can't believe I'm talking about this. It was embarrassing. And she looked at me and she smiled.
And I was just like, oh, this is bad. This is really bad. Although, it worked the other way around, because I realised, there was this counsellor that I worked with, and I really liked her.
Really liked her. I liked her in every way that you can like someone. She was just great, but I really fancied her.
But she was, she was married, so you know, that was it. So, but I just really liked her, and I loved talking to her, and we got on really well. And she was, she was pregnant.
And so we're all leaving. There's about three of us counsellors there. And we're all, we had to stay there to the end, to look after each other.
We couldn't leave each other there on our own, on their own. Because in the So we're just waiting for her. She's in the bathroom.
And she's in there for quite a while. So I'm thinking, perhaps we should just leave her. And the other counsellor said, no, we're not allowed to.
I thought, yeah, but she's been in there a while. Well, she's climbed out the window. My friend, my other friend said, but without belly, she ain't gonna get out the window.
She's pregnant. There's no window big enough for her belly. She's, she was proper pregnant.
Which I thought was a bit rude for another woman to say that, you know, body shaming and all that. I didn't say that to her because she scared me. And eventually, flush, sound of the, you know, the, the sink, you know, she's washing her hands.
And then she came in, opened the door, walked through, gone and got a coat. And then she walked past me, the door, it was like a door that closed, but then flapped open again. Like a, that whiff that came out of that toilet was something that I've never smelt before in my life.
It was the worst smell I've ever smelt. And I still fancied her. That's when I realized that, you know, I still liked her as well.
I just liked her. I liked her in every way. She was just really lovely.
And I mean, it was bad. I felt like, sort of, I thought, should I call an ambulance or something? Because that's just not right. That's just not right.
That's just, but I suppose when you're pregnant, you're pooing for two, aren't you? If you're, if you're eating for two, you must be farting for two and pooing for two. It makes sense, doesn't it? When the baby's got a poo, all it's doing is eating all the time. I do wonder though, it's like, babies in that water must be very strange.
Because they're basically snorkelers, aren't they? They're like deep sea divers. Like the old fashioned deep sea divers, you know, the ones with the big helmets on that would have, they'd go down and have the big heavy metal boots and a big, you know, costume. And they'd be walking at the bottom of the ocean.
And it'd just be that one big tube that reaches out the top of the big helmet, which would be where the air would come from, you know, from the ship. That's what a baby is, isn't it? A fetus. That's basically how they live nine months of their life.
Well, once they're developed, you know, but they've got basically, but instead of the tube coming out of the top of their helmet, it's coming out of their belly button. Yeah, I heard what I said. Yeah, you know, I mean, it's the top of their, you know, the old fashioned, you know, like 20 leagues under the sea and Captain Nemo, those kinds of old things.
And you'd see the deep sea divers would be like that. And I'm thinking that maybe that's where they got the idea from. For babies, I mean, they copied those films.
I don't know. Anyway, I'm going to go. Hi, Kathleen.
Kathleen's watching on there. Thank you to everyone that watched. I'm going to go.
There's been four people watched on Facebook. I would say it's an astounding success. Phenomenal.
Flipping heck. Amazing. I really am a star.
I don't know. I feel like I need to thank everybody, like being at the Oscars. Thank you to my manager.
Thank you to my receptionist. Thank you to the makeup artist who forgot to turn up today. Thank you, everybody.
It's been a wonderful experience. But most of all, thank you to me, because I did it all myself. Thank you.
Yeah, probably never going to win an Oscar. I mean, there's no possibility, is there? I mean, you have to be an actor to win an Oscar, or a producer, a director, an animator. To be fair, it's quite a few different things, but you need to kind of be involved.
A screenwriter, visual effects, sound effects, sound artist, costume, designer. There's so many different places. So many things you can win Oscars for, isn't there? But I'm not involved in the movie business.
No. No movie here. It's very much sit-and-still business.
Oh, I see what you did there, because movie is short for moving picture, isn't it? Yeah, the pictures are moving. Yeah. Instead of just being static pictures.
Hmm. Yeah, it's very clever. Well done.
Oh, thank you. So I want to go. So remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy.
Do something nice for yourself today. And I'm going to go to sleep. That's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to treat everyone to a nice sleep. Take care, and I shall see you tomorrow. I might not see you on Facebook tomorrow, but I will.
I will be making another recording, another podcast tomorrow. Lots of love. Bye.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.