#707 Let me bore you to sleep - HOUSEWORK - Jason Newland (20th August 2021)

Hello and welcome, welcome to jasonnewland.com My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Hello, how are you doing, are you okay, are ya, are ya okay? Don't worry nothing weird just happened and I'm just, just, I'm making the middle-aged man's noise.

I noticed something the other day, when I sit down, when there's someone else there, I'm making middle-aged man's noise, like that, when I sit down, when I'm on my own, nothing, no noise, sometimes the odd little creak, the little crack of the bones releasing gas, I suppose, whatever, you know, bones do, but like, cracks generally release gas, don't they, but yeah, just, you know, that little like clicks of bones, I sound very old, my hearing's gone, I don't mean like gone, but do you know that feeling, I think like when you've been in a swimming

pool, not that I go swimming because I can't really swim, but I have been in a swimming pool in the past and I remember the feeling of not being able to hear very well, for a little while, until the, the water decides to leave my eardrum or I yawn, it's that kind of feeling, I like need to yawn, but I've been yawning because today, for the first day in quite some time, I haven't slept at all during the day, normally I have a nap, a little nip nap for maybe an hour or so, maybe a

couple of times, I'm a pensioner, I'm basically really are, not that pensioners are really old, but I turned into a 95 year old, having to have little naps, my nan used to call it dossing, just having a doss, just having a little doss, I was just, just dossing when you, when you, when you knocked on the door, Jason, Robert, Steve, Alan, Tracy, it should go for all the different names, I mean this then, I said my name was Jason first, but she'd, she'd normally go for all the names of the family before she got to

mine, you know, just, can you at least stick to the men's names, no, and she said oh Jason, boy, she called me boy sometimes, boy, listen boy, shut up boy, get me some tea boy, I told you before boy, leave the toilet seat down, actually it's up, because she used to go standing up, but you know, you get the drift, so I, she used to say oh yeah, just dossing, basically just sitting there kind of dozing really, but she used to call it dossing, so I call it dossing, because I wanna, and it's good enough

for me, I wanna say it, so I say it, so there, there, there, there, there, there, right, I have to say a few thank yous, it's not, what, what, what, you, you, you, you, you, yes, this is my academy award acceptance speech, I'd like to thank everybody, I'd like to thank, let me have a look, where is it, you, trying to open the app so I can read, oh there you go, there you are, no actually, no it's no good, it's sideways, don't want it sideways, the iPad sometimes, the app will come, it'll like show

the wrong way around, and I don't like that, I'll be honest with you, not a big fan of that happening, not a big fan at all, so I'd like to say a big thank you to Ben, hi Ben, thank you for your PayPal gift, and also to Mary, thank you for your PayPal gift, thank you very much to both of you, very much appreciated, I will send you an email as well, and basically today I've been, I've just been really busy, full on all day, and what I've been doing is housework, I do believe, and

I've done a lot of tidying up, I've got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, got about eight bin bags, black bin bags full of stuff, that have to go out for the rubbish, and bin people, probably put them out tomorrow, so thank you, Rachel sent me a message saying, and I'll just reply here, because you listen to these, I haven't got my phone on me, otherwise I could, in fact wait a minute, does it come up?

No, it will come up, I've got a Facebook, I can get it up there, get it, get it, I'm quite able to get it up on Facebook, it gets me, Rachel says your homework was 1985, not the whole bloody decade, you'd be getting a D plus at this rate, at the beginning of 1980, I was three, what was I doing?

I have no idea, 1980, you were three, blimey, 1980, so it makes you 49, wow, and 1980, I was, well I was nine until August, and then I was 10, and 1980, I was still in junior school, I, yeah, so I was nine, I was in, yeah, I was in junior school, and then in the September, I started my last year of schooling, no, my last year of junior school, yeah, that was September 1980, yeah, so I don't know, because I was talking about doing a podcast, you know, like a special kind of decade, one

for the 1980s, but I'll be honest with you, I'll be honest, I'll be completely honest with you, I'm not sure where my momentum is on that particular idea, if I'm honest, if I'm honest, I'm not sure, I'm just not sure, I just don't know, I might do, we'll see, we'll see, there's lots of sees, lots of like, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, baby, I have you, maybe, baby, you'll be true, maybe, baby, you will love me someday, so I've kind of, there was, I've kind of got rid of the last remnants of Andre, the not,

obviously, that sounds horrible, really, last remnants, but there's a few of his little toys that were still around, so I've got rid of those, I'm getting in the process, it's basically, I keep finding these balls everywhere, there's, I had lots of these little balls, like different colored balls, yellow, pink, green, blue, red, that's it, and they're kind of dotted around, and he would, he would just basically, he would move them all around the flat, there'd be, some would be in the kitchen, some, you know, so he'd play with them, I didn't see him play with

them a lot of time, but he'd do it when I was in bed, or maybe when I was out, so I'm getting rid of them, I got rid of, the day I came back from the vets, I sat down, and underneath the television, there's this big space that I had, he had as his den, so he had pretty much all his toys in there, that he would take out, and he'd spread them, and move them around the place, but that was kind of where most of his stuff was, and I sat there, and I couldn't

look at it, you know, just like, oh no, so I bagged it all up, and put him in, I basically put them in bin bags, and chucked them out, I kind of wished I hadn't done that now, but hey, it's done, I would have liked to have kept his little snake, his pink snake, because that was almost like his child, he hated me touching it, he'd, whenever I touched his snake, it'd come up, he'd grab it off me, and he would, until I let go, and he'd run off with it, and he'd hide it somewhere

else, under the bed, behind the fridge, anywhere where, basically he didn't want me touching it, yet he didn't seem to give it that much attention at times, but sometimes he really did, and I watched him trying to get it from wherever he had it in the room, he was trying to get it into his cage, all the way up the the ramps, into his, because he had a, this is a point, this is when he used to sleep in the cage, but he'd have the rest, he'd have the whole day out of the cage, do

whatever he wanted, and then at night I put him in the cage, the last two years-ish, he had full reign, 24 hours a day of the flat, I didn't put him in the cage anymore, and after, I think after probably the first three months, I kept testing it, and I kept having to put him back in his cage, because he was doing naughty things, trying to make noise, and trying to disturb my sleep and stuff, and I didn't mind him being on the bed, and cuddling up with me, and stuff, that was nice, biting my

toes, not so much, so sometimes he'd just keep, he'd get on the, he'd come into the bedroom, and he would start playing, he'd start banging the door at the wardrobe, he'd start scratching at the carpet, or he'd start scratching at the bed, or he'd just jump on the bed and sit on my face, and just weird things, and start, you know, it's just, he just used to sort of want my attention, and didn't want me to be asleep sometimes, but eventually after, it's not that I trained him, because he wasn't really into that, but eventually

he decided he preferred to be out of the cage than in the cage, even though it's a very comfortable big cage, with a hammock, and another space where he could sleep as well, there's two spaces, very comfortable for him, one was a bit warmer, so I guess he could cuddle up in that one, and it was enclosed, which is what ferrets like, but the other one was a hammock, and he loved that hammock, it was very comfortable, in fact he wore, he wore out the first one, and I had to buy another one, so he'd

actually, he'd had two hammocks, because he enjoyed, he just used to scratch, and rip it, and bite, you know, bite it I suppose, he seemed happy, sometimes I'd open the window, I'd open the doors, and he didn't care, he just was contented, sleeping in the hammock, he didn't want to get up, so that, that was a sign that he wasn't bothered about being in the cage, sometimes it even, I couldn't find him, and he was in the cage, but during the day, he'd go back in there, because he wanted to sleep in the hammock, but

then, I think he got to the point where, he didn't want to be in the cage anymore, he was, he wanted to be out here, and he made little nests, where you know, he slept behind the, behind the living room door, he slept behind the sofa, underneath the sofa, where else, in the kitchen, near the front door, in a couple of different bags, a couple of carrier bags he'd choose, I mean literally, sometimes he'd have like three carrier bags on the go, and they just moved from one to the other, every like hour or so,

or two hours or whatever, he had, he liked to sleep on my bed as well, when I wasn't on, he preferred it when I wasn't on the bed, he said that I took up too much room, rude, and he took up the whole bed, just for him, even ruder, it was tiny, but he took up the whole bed, he managed to stretch out, and he tried to push me out of the bed, if I was in there, didn't like it, he literally tried to push me out, he would do, he pushed me, he was literally

trying to push me, but I was slightly, only slightly heavier than him, so he didn't have a lot of success with that, I'll tell you one thing I did like, it was annoying and lovely at the same time, because I don't like getting woken up, I don't think anyone really like, yeah, brilliant, I got woken up today, brilliant, what a great start to the day, wee, let's do some handstands, yeah, I don't know if there's that many people get excited about getting woken up, and it's not called the alarm clock, it's called the opportunity clock,

yeah, I could go down that road, it's, you know, let's change everything to a positive, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, really, yeah, yeah, so I, he used to get on the bed, while I was asleep, and I'd wake up to him licking my eyes, but not my actual eyes, well, I don't sleep with my eyes open, because I'm not a weirdo, I, I've met a couple of people that do, and yet still weird, still weird, weird is very freaky, sitting in a room with someone that's looking at you, but they're asleep, really, they're asleep, there

was one, one bloke, he was my friend's cousin, and there was a few of us all being to the pub, or a nightclub, or something, there was all, we all went back to the flat, and he was there, and we were there, there was probably about six of us, and he was just there, sitting there with his eyes wide open, fast asleep, and my friend, who was his cousin, said, yeah, he's asleep, no, he's not asleep, he's staring at me, no, he's asleep, I know, he's not asleep, he's staring, he's staring right at me, at

me, no, he can't be staring at you, he'd be staring at me, and I didn't believe it until they started to mess with him, so I think some of the things they did was, I think they got, they had some popcorn, and they poured it all over his head, and what's the other thing they did, they drew, yeah, drew a penis on his cheek, as you do, permanent marker, of course, then they, then they stuffed two tampons up each nostril, and that was, that was the, the women did that, and what else did they, oh,

yeah, they actually, I don't know how they did it, they managed to make a house of cards, like, balanced on his head, or something, you know, it's like, really, and they started, like, basically just covering him, and making, it's balancing, basically, just balancing things on him, and then I really, I thought, yeah, you're right, he is asleep, but he wasn't just asleep, he was absolutely still, absolutely no movement at all, and I was, I was, I was surprised, I was so surprised, I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing, so he woke up,

and to say he wasn't hugely impressed, it would be a little of an understatement, you could recognize him, obviously, so I said, what does he look like, but just if you see some of a penis on their cheek, I should actually change that penis, a picture drawn in a permanent marker pen, don't be rude, really, though, isn't it, so he didn't have the courtesy to, sort of, thank us for our artistic geniusnesses, I saw this film called Suicide Squad 2 it's like a superhero or anti superhero kind of thing and it's it's good actually it's

a it's a laugh there's some really really funny bits in it so check it out it's quite good better than the first one much more lighter yep I got this I bought a file machine I thought it might be fun just want to see what you think wasn't that good as it oh well I'm just testing it out to see what I can get oh my lower back's a little bit stiff I said my lower back it's a bit stiff my lower back back back back back back back back back back oh yeah Andre said

nibble my ears as well so he said nibble he said lick my ears nibble it's almost like he was de-fleeing me or de-licing me it was yeah it was quite cute but and also my eyelids he would do the same thing like nibble my eyelids and just around my eyes it's a very sensitive area especially with those little sharp teeth he had and my earlobes as well very sensitive area so I kind of liked it because he was giving me attention and he was being loving I think I guess he was doing to me what

he would do to a fellow ferret who'd be like nibbling and licking and kind of cleaning because that's that sounds weird when it's said like that nibbling and licking you know like monkeys do you know what they sound like groom again the word grooms got a bad reputation in it he was grooming me but he was he's like probably checking for fleas didn't find that many I don't think which is what monkeys do isn't it they sort of go through each other's bits and bobs and just like checked everything's okay and it's I mean I

don't know if humans do that I've never had a human relationship so I'm not sure again that sounds weird I don't mean I've never I don't do you animals I'm just saying I've I have I have had human relationships but I can't it's been such a long time I can't remember which are the ones with the boobies I don't know men or women I forget I forget I forget I don't know what the difference between men and women are anymore I've forgotten I've forgotten I've forgotten is it the ones with his short hair that are

the men you can't say stuff like that that's just fictive I was just asking yeah we shouldn't ask stuff like that out loud should you battle battle battle battle battle battle battle battle battle battle see yeah just looking around to see what I need to do to change my apartment my apartment hey I was gonna get back to the apartment baby mm-hmm let me show you around the apartment yes my flat my home this stuff that I wanted to get rid of but possibly some things I just I've got books I'm never gonna read I'll

be honest like never never but then I just looked over at the pile of books I'm gonna read I realize I want to read one of them now isn't that strange it's Jack D they wrote about himself actually most of my books are pretty good I'll be honest with you I'll be honest just this one so you'll tell the truth and nothing else except the things I don't want to tell the truth about I do I'm not impressed by my book collection I used to be I did I honestly did I had many many many

more books than I have now I I reckon my hypnosis book collection was pretty good but do good yeah I searched for the books I had I had rare books that well they were rare and I kind of lost them all and then I kind of been building them up well I'm not now but I was I started six years ago to start building them up and start getting a book collection again and then I kind of stopped I'm so tired so tired I'm really really tired like the most is tired that I've been in

a bit of time let's have a little drink that might perk me up no it's still tired oh I'm just ready to fall asleep genuinely genuinely ready to go to sleep that was a bit of a wet talk to go to sleep yeah a little bit damp oh I think what it is with my back with all the bending over I've done because you know I was doing housework so I needed a little bit of leisure time so I went down to the park and you know hitting some bushes waiting for someone to join I

don't do college you know and no I was picking stuff up off the floor and all that excessive bending it was bending something just creaked and I don't know what it was I think it was me how weird I think I just creaked I didn't even move I just heard this like but it's coming from me it's that normal I really am getting old getting very old didn't you know so yeah I try to tidy this place up I need to take one bookcase away because it's just falling apart they weren't expensive bookcases I think

they were about 30 40 pound each or something and put it together yourself and yeah yeah you know so I think I want to get rid of because there's one in the hallway that's not being used apart from just to put rubbish on there so if I've got like receipts or just something letters and mail I'd seem to put on there so I'll get rid of that mmm it's my birthday Thursday by the way so get rid of that bookcase get and then it makes a little bit more room for the hallway and I'm packaging

that I don't need to keep don't you know because I don't need to keep it that's why well who's asking what do you want to know for nothing to use it you're not my real mum so yeah that's what I'm gonna do make a little bit more room tomorrow I might go and look at maybe cleaning the carpet so I've vacuumed in the living room the bedroom it's a little it's a few bit messy bits but minimal minimal minimal minimal because I generally just sleep in there and once I'm up I'm up I want some

down and down me I you know so if I'm sleep I'm asleep and then I'm awake I'm awake so there's not a lot of stuff in there that's rubbish the kitchen I had to tidy up yesterday there's still stuff to do it needs a really good blast of piping hot water to spray around to clean it I think that's what's needed but I'll do what needs doing gradually gradually I don't do I don't rush do do do do never rush I don't rush not just because I can't because I don't want to it is but

hey I am so tired sure how tired are you I'm so tired I'm going to bed and I will actually save this and I will edit it and release it when I get out of bed on Saturday morning at some point so thank you for listening I know it's a 35 minute recording instead of an hour but I've fallen asleep I'm literally falling asleep like proper so I'll just speak to you later on lots of love