#654 Let me bore you to sleep - I FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR DURING THIS RECORDING - Jason Newland (10th May 2021)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com groovy website like really oops really really good website it's all right actually yeah it's it's an okay website there are thousands of recordings available to both stream for free and download for free so you can actually download the mofos to your phone to your ipad to your laptop whatever or you can just stream them completely free yeah my name is Jason on Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep please listen when you can safely close your eyes um still got that damn reservoir a little bit of that chest infection still

dwindling dwindling hiding lurking just around uh i've been thinking i've been thinking about fitness about fitness yeah and uh excuse me i had an idea it's not a new idea it's not even an original idea really but nevertheless it's an idea it's neither original for me or for anyone else it's the idea of getting fitter you know getting slimmer losing some of this uh puppy fat i really should check my beard for bits of food before i start recording uh i don't mind so i sometimes leave it there for later on it's handy especially when

you get hungry you know when you're out and you're really hungry and you think god damn it i wish i brought some food it's like god this funeral service is gonna last forever and you realize oh no i've got a bit of a got a bit of cheese in my beard oh and you're happy again so yeah i i thought about doing doing i thought about doing like a 90 day fitness vlog on youtube filming myself filming now you might think yeah so what are you telling us about it for that's not particularly exciting or

not as you said original yeah but i don't mind showing the after effects you know if i've lost weight and uh toned up the muscles or at least maybe look like i have some muscles at the end of it but the idea of showing showing you what i look like before now that that ladies and gentlemen it does it does not make me moist that's what i'm saying it does not make me feel you know i just don't know if i can do it if i'm honest i think perhaps i could do like a one-off

video you know where i show when i film myself but then i just present it in a video at the end of the 90 days so you can so i'll show myself now but i won't mind so much because when you see me with me boobs out and stuff you'll then see me you know within a few minutes um i don't know wearing a sports bra or something i know just looking different looking slimmer that's you know because i thought if i if i do it like daily do a daily fitness vlog daily weight loss

vlog and just keep like getting down to me swimming trunks or whatever and just showing you my body i just don't think it's fair on your eyes i mean it's just it's not fair is it why put yourself through that no so i'm not quite sure how to go about it but i do want to get fitter to lose some weight to lose some fat really i'm not even bothered about the weight i don't care if i put another stone on if it meant that i was slimmer i know it's a weird idea but i

guess if i did um took up bodybuilding or took up weight training like proper uh i guess i could put weight on but slim down waist wise i could just put bulk on my shoulders and on my neck and on my back and on my arms uh i don't know i'm not sure i'm really not sure i mean not everything has to be on camera does it not everything has to be uh public well obviously not everything i do is public obviously obviously not everything i've been a bit constipated today just what i'd share don't

see why i should be the only one to have to deal with it i want to tell other people about it and i hope you're eating while i'm while i'm talking about it hmm i um i've done a couple of recordings today i've done four this is going to be my fifth and six with the with the music so i've done six the last couple of days i was loud on it the last couple of days has been a bit rubbish i haven't put much effort into it at all really and part of the reason

for that is because i've been working not working but trying to figure out how to use the equipment and i've taken a break from that just for a couple of days just uh trying to catch up on some of the backdated stuff i need to do on the website and you know things like that and on the podcast updating certain aspects of it so i'm just filming this on my phone and making the podcast with the ipad and just like normal and it's fine for now i will eventually eventually i will uh do i will

use the equipment i will use the equipment that i got eventually but there's no why stress about it i mean i'm supposed to be making recordings to help people to relax and here's me getting i can't figure it out you know i'm getting all oh no no more stop it no no more that's enough so i've got a couple of actually got three calendars on my door and i'm keeping track of the stats the daily daily stat i don't know why it's funny i think it's just because i know that 99% of people listen to

this or watching i'm not interested in my stats and i keep talking about them it's like i'm like that person that works in an office that keeps talking about their partner and no one's interested no one wants to know no one cares and you know and by name as well keep mentioning them by name i was i had a when i worked here well one of the call centers i worked in there was this uh young young female started working there she was lovely actually she started working there and uh i swear every every three

sentences you'd hear the name mervin no clive i said clive clive clive did this and clive said that and we're gonna go and you know she'd come in say you're right he said yeah clive's got a bit of a cold who i'd always whenever she said clive i said who my boyfriend it's like oh okay and then she's and every time she said clive i'd say who because i don't know why it just i guess it was a bit annoying yeah probably quite annoying to her for me to say that but uh i said it

okay i stopped after about three months so but who clive it's just like why are you saying his name we've never met him we don't really know if he exists it's just he you might have made him up i'm sure you called him timothy once i'm sure you did i think you made a mistake there i think you're making him up does he really exist come on tracy does he come on be honest we're all adults here generally it's a christmas party come on he hasn't turned up has he so you're making him up maybe

a little bit a little bit making him up she wasn't she was she was lovely um it's like why you keep talking about your boyfriend for what about your girlfriend well you don't want to hear about that what do you want to hear about well i'm a man i want to talk about football i want to talk about cars and getting drunk at the weekend that's what i like to talk about because i'm a man yeah i've never been interested in people's weekends is that is that natural is it is it natural to to to

just be to have zero interest in a person's weekend because you know i used to work here i said i worked in a few offices i'd get in monday morning sit down with a cup of coffee and uh you know someone would come in full of energy why no one knows and say you're right there everyone okay how was your weekend jason and they'll just sit and wait for me to answer i said i don't know i don't know i can't remember what do you mean you can't remember it's just happened it's only monday i

forget as soon as it's happened it's not important it's not worth remembering there's no what's the point of remembering it and then he'd sit there and he'd wait for me to ask him about his weekend and i didn't i never did it wasn't because i didn't like him because i did i really liked him a lot i think he was a great bloke but i didn't care what he'd done the weekend i had no interest it didn't there wasn't not one part of me i'm looking at my body it's like what am i supposed to

fake interest i don't know as i said i liked you know i used to go drinking with him i used to walk home with him from work used to chat to him i got really well with him he's one of the nicest people i've known not interested in this weekend if he i was interested in the conversations we had about other stuff you know but if you wanted to tell me about the weekend then i would listen and i might even ask a question a follow-up question so you might say to me oh yeah i

went to the football got drunk with my friends and then i spent sunday with my niece and me my nephew and it's really good because we i taught my nephew how to ride a bike so i thought i'll then follow to show i'm interested i'll have a follow-up question because he's my boss and i thought yeah i'll follow a question i said uh is it okay if i go to lunch half an hour early today and he just looked at me i thought well i'm trying to contribute to the conversation and i said so i'm

gonna try he said what's that got to do with the football and teach my nephew to ride the bike and i said well i've got a bike and i can ride it and i'm gonna ride the bike to the sandwich shop during my lunch break so it's kind of related in a way it's not related at all i sometimes think you don't care so there's a difference between caring and being interested two different things really i can care about someone and not be interested in their life seriously i think people mistake um kindness for interest

i can be kind doesn't mean i'm interested in learning all about someone when i'm being kind to them i'll help an old lady cross the road i want an older lady now that i'm old an older lady or even one the same age well i don't really want to know how she lost her leg you know i'm not i'm not going to ask her i'm not gonna you know just trying to help someone don't need to know their life story but you just don't care is is it the same thing though caring about someone and

being interested in trivial stuff if that the same thing i don't know i naturally i'm not interested generally in i don't know i just not generally got a huge interest in people's lives um doesn't mean i don't care but you know if i've got if i'm helping thousands of people every day gotta have some care in there somewhere not sure where it's hiding but it's gotta be you know i mean i'm not doing this just for the fun of it although it is amazingly fun oh i have so much fun oh blimmin hard work sometimes

sometimes i am a hero to myself i'm a hero more than anybody ever ever ever was before see yeah yeah i could lose some weight i thought thought thought thought that i'm gonna i thought of maybe possibly walking for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles every day like really walking not fast because i don't do fast the only time i do anything fast i don't do anything nothing no nothing um i mean think of you know intimate things no everything's slow unless what i'm doing the intimate thing i'm doing with my partner

or whatever at the time happens to be during the adverts and you know i need to get something on after the adverts that i wanted to watch the adverts not after the adverts then i can speed things up generally i'm pretty slow pretty slow and i like that i prefer that it appeals to my sense of slowness flow i watched a video on youtube well i didn't see it the title was how how men can stop thinking well most men wouldn't need to watch that would they how many men actually think i think i i

think this uh society it's not just men women as well it's society if you follow all the like the normal rules and you you know you get married and you have kids and you have jobs and you do the voluntary work and maybe you coach your kids football or maybe all in all the different things that go with that you're not left with any time really potentially to think about anything which i reckon is what the government want that's what they want i don't want people to think because if you actually take time out and

start noticing the well i'm not going to get all political but you know the lies blatant lies the it's almost like a magic trick sometimes the way they're like look at this everybody look at this meanwhile in the house of commons you know they're uh debating a new law like look at this everyone look look this the oh no he didn't say that did he oh look at that well yes uh you're putting through some kind of new tax law uh to allow you know rich people to pay less tax or something like that you

know but they just don't no look over there look at this hand i'm gonna punch you with his hand look at this hand look i'm gonna rob you with his hand oh look at him it's i've seen some stuff over the years there was a thing for um end of life this is grim isn't it but end of uh assisted end of life and there was a debate and there was it got hardly any if any news time at all i watched it live on tv it was on bbc2 or the parliament channel now this

is such a huge debate it's such a huge topic i saw another one where they were trying to about whether or not to allow cannabis through and that got chucked out this is a few years ago another massive debate which a huge percentage of the population would want it to be made legal i guess i don't know for me i don't care about the recreational side of things make it legal for people that have got chronic pain that are suffering people with ms people that if it helps the epilepsy whatever let them have marijuana or

cannabis like this stop being stuck in this weird i don't know what it is blimey i am kind of like a prime minister wow maybe that's the future maybe that's a futter for me the photo is for me to be wow i could be like the president of england commonwealth united kingdom britain yeah the first president i think king in fact i don't think king's enough what's the other word the one that's above king um pharaoh i mean there's king i mean in chess the queen is the more powerful piece isn't it but so i

never understood that if the king marries marries a woman she becomes queen if the queen marries a woman he becomes prince why can't he become king why not king philip because prince philip passed away about a month ago i think it was and i don't know when i was a kid i thought why is he not the king she's the queen and they're married why is he not the king i didn't just didn't understand i didn't didn't couldn't quite get me me you know around it what's above king uh m king of an empire in

charge of an empire king pharaoh i don't know there's got to be a higher position than king i keep thinking empire i can't check out because i'm using everything to record this ting i'm gonna drink i'm gonna have to stop drinking that stuff if i'm gonna lose some weight fair i keep thinking pharaoh for some reason pharaoh um who's in charge of an empire uh the king the queen i was thinking go to egypt you go to china uh the name is it's not so much on the tip of my tongue but it's emperor empire

emperor emperor i was just thinking yeah flash gordon sorry i should do it probably flash ah gordon um emperor ming emperor emperor's higher than king isn't it an emperor it's like in charge of an empire that's why i was thinking empire i mean i could cycle on my um i've got a exercise bike i could work on that every day i could do push-ups i could do sit-ups i've got a sit-up bench i've got a weight bench or some weights so i could do some weights i've got my punch bag so i could work out

on there every day um i mean i could really handle that but you'd be you scratching behind the city because if it isn't you're gonna have to get the mousetrap out oh it is what is he doing he's stuck he's trying to climb out from underneath the city and he got stuck i'm gonna grab him wait a sec i just fell off the chair brilliant there you go andre and before you think that the chair collapsed it didn't i just hello hello i didn't get hurt oh oh i did i blind me that's winded me

that is i thought i was gonna land on him basically all i did i've got this thing sticking out i got the leg rest sticking out the sofa and the chair got caught on it i think so i leaned around and i'm kind of going to pick him up and lending forward and leaning what you doing oh i'm a little baby boy a little baby boy oh say hello to everyone look hello hello hello hello everybody what do you want to do that he likes to do that i need to cut your fingernails don't i

yeah i do so yes i'm just cuddling him um for the sake of the podcast and for the recording i am stroking my ferret oh come on just chill out relax that's a good boy relax now that's it just relax just relax relax good boy he's all right you're all right now you can have a little sleep if you want have a little sleep sleep have a little sleep sleep huh yeah a little sleep sleep he's six years old i speak he's like a little baby you need sleep sleep andre you need sleep sleep oh

you want some food food you're hungry you're tum tum hungry oh you're a big boy you're a big boy yes you are he's trying to eat you're trying to eat me you're gonna eat my mouth oh no no oh you're wet you're wet yeah you're wet how come how come you're all wet oh check me oh i don't see that no no i don't no i don't want to see that oh look at his legs i tell you it's weird that i took him for a walk your mum just wants to kiss me all the

time um i took him for a walk and something i've noticed since last year is this is i've not talked it's not that i've not took him for a walk for a year i have but this is the first time that the weather's been nice really like this for quite a long time and i walked i carried him into the field okay look at him he's just he's asleep now i carried him into the field and then i get i didn't get right to the end of the field but i'm not far from it probably

three quarters of the way and then i i get him down and i put him onto the floor and first of all he's like where am i he wasn't sure um and then he got his he got his bearings and he started to walk home he knew the way home now that's a complete opposite to how he was last year because when i take him into the field first of all he'd run into the field i'd have him on a but he wanted to run in there he was so energetic and then when i tried

to get him to walk back he wouldn't he'd want to go forward he want to go further in the fields this time he didn't he just wanted to come back home and he walked all the way into all the way out of the field so it's quite a long walk especially with his little legs and he just collapsed he basically collapsed on the floor and he couldn't walk anymore so i picked him up and i i chucked him in some bushes no i didn't i picked him up and i carried him home he was so

tired and his little legs and his little body i don't think he's got um even the strength or the stamina that he had last year and i think i'm okay no it's it's it's probably part of me looking to want to blame you know that idiot side of the brain that wants to blame everyone else um that we all have minds minds active sometimes um and i'm thinking is it because of his injury that he had to his leg at the end of last year or i don't know if it was the end was it

about september and has he fully recovered from that i don't know if he's got the strength strength in his leg that he used to have because he can't do the things he used to be able to do i mean i don't think he's ever ever it's stupid i was about to say he's never ever gonna play another basketball game it's just stupid i just tickled me before i said it um he's just i don't know all i want for him is for him to be happy that's all i want for him to be happy yes

i know it might sound like a strange thing but i do i just want him to be okay it's just i'm trying to have him on camera so you can see him but he just if he does that he'd i'll tell you what if i put you in there how about that yeah how about that yeah he likes confinement you know small spaces he likes but he's more cuddly now since he's been less active he's more cuddly so you can't even see he's in my hand can you look you want to get down i'll i

don't get down just come and just hold you like that for a little bit that's it if i just stroke you okay good boy good boy yeah no he's happy i just i guess i'll worry about him a little bit i'll worry about him because i can't i've had him for so long you know he's god he's so look it's a microphone he's become a little bit interested in what's going on now look look everyone that's the camera that's the camera yeah say hello to everybody that's the microphone you're gonna make a funny noise gonna

sneeze do a little sneeze in the microphone sniffing it you do a little sneeze for this to the cat for the microphone go on you can do it do a little sneezy do a little sneezy you don't want to do you want me to let you go i'm gonna let you go do you want to do you want to sit on my lap that's it do you want to do that you do like that don't you just no one else can see you it looks like i'm well whatever so i'm stroking him i just wish

i had if i do it there that's it yeah oh daddy you've got smelly breath stop it did i did i did i mention he only drinks bottled water now andre only drinks bottled water this is someone that i take him out he drinks out of a drain yeah he will drink out of a rusty dirty smelly drain but he won't drink tap water what does that say about our tap water i only drinks honestly i have to give him i was giving him a big bowl of water big blue bowl of tap water now

he's got a little bowl of bottled water i can't be giving him a liter of water a day out of a bottle no well i could but i'm not going to oh my chair i think i might have broke the chair maybe it is my weight you didn't see my bum did you when i fell over i'm gonna have to play that bit back i might just edit it that might be the title of this video i fell off my chair i could have hurt myself you know i could have broke a bone imagine having

that on camera filmed i broke a bone if i broke my arm or a leg or something ridiculous like that i felt like i pulled my back which is a little bit annoying because it was starting to feel a bit better because i made a recording earlier which was very relaxing very very very very relaxing okay just chill out chill out just relax relax relax little one relax little baby go to sleep go to sleep so me and your mummy can have some personal time together we really love you but please go to sleep you've

taken up too much time of our lives so far please please go to sleep so we can feel like humans again please go to sleep so we can get some sleep ourselves please go to sleep but we still love you yes we do please go to sleep or you'll be adopted tomorrow i'm gonna go say goodbye to everyone bye bye bye i get a little bit worried that if i hold him for too long and i have done in the past sometimes he needs to go to the toilet and he lets me know what he

has done in the past and he wiggles about and sometimes i hold him for too long it's only happened a few times you know literally probably four five times in his life you know since he's been you know born maybe six or seven times but and he'll go to the toilet while i'm holding him it's not because he wants to it's just he has to go and i have not took the hint it got i remember once i was holding him for so long and because there's a knock at the door and there's a post

postman was there they said i've got a sign need a sign for this delivery so i actually signed it as a letter opened up and i said please daddy can you put me down honestly just okay all right andrey he i guess i don't read his messages he's the messages that he gives me i never know what they are sometimes is get off me i hate you you're not my real dad that is sometimes the message he gives me sometimes i want to eat uh or can you let me go so i can go go

inside that person's bag while they're not looking um or i want to bite that dog and let me down so i can bite the dog please no or other times he's like can you let me down dad please that that person you're talking to is really boring even more boring than you i didn't think that was possible andre this is rude i mean you're right but it's rude oh excuse me i just belched that was not not oh that's just not cricket that's a problem with um i want to be able to do a video

with the audio so that i can mute it so if i do a fart or a burp or not that i would ever do that kind of stuff but or cough i can mute it on the video at the same time as on the microphone and there's got to be a way of doing it i mean it can't be that it's gotta be a way it just has to be it has to be don't tell me don't tell me there's no other way come on there has to be i just don't know what it is

i don't know sometimes i wish i did but i don't know so all this equipment it's just it's complicated to me it's as if my brain just switched off thanks andre thanks for all the noise did i bash my head earlier when i felt the what's it here the seat oh my god i got a concussion i can't even remember what the word seat is emperor took me about what an hour to remember i kept how much weight i would lose if i did lots of walking because i used to walk a lot in the

past and i don't think it really necessarily kept me fit i don't know because i was overweight then i'm not sure you know i don't really have an appetite for food but guaranteed if i could get i'd have to go back in time to about 2010 if i could go back to 2010 go back to shoreditch go to their sandwich shop place that they had but it wasn't like a normal sandwich shop it was our best best cooked sandwiches in the world that i'd that i'd had really good like proper like there's one i had

was chicken but like a whole breast chicken with pineapple and cheese inside a i think it was like a toasted ciabatta thingy i don't know but oh you know and i could eat that right now no interest in cooking no interest even in putting something in the microwave for a minute oh i could really or a baguette like a fresh baguette or fresh bagel from uh brick lane i used to go to brick lane sometimes early hours of the morning get a bagel with cheese oh oh nice oh or wimpy burger i could do i

could definitely go for a wimpy burger core pound or cheese oh but that is everything is closed everything is really really is closed nothing around here there's nothing there's trees trees grass fields lots of mice all wonderful yeah mice they're everywhere honestly the loft is full of them the loft is full of birds the loft is full of squirrels probably probably got bats up there i don't know pigeons and i said birds but pigeons is you know i mean they're not really birds today it's like sharks you're not really fish and they are but they're

not really you know they're their own species are they they're they're beyond being called fish when it's something's all that big it's no longer a fish although whale is a fish how stupid really to live in the middle of the ocean if you can't breathe underwater i mean that's that's an animal that really didn't like humans in there i'd be like having like an elephant that needed to have like i guess you know uh a water instead of oxygen bottle a water bottle or something you know an elephant that had to have water all the

time couldn't breathe in it oxygen but walking around the green like no that's just silly not as silly as you see uh i'm just uh could lose some weight i don't know the thing is if i do i could end up with a if i let's say if i start exercising i could end up with a appetite for food and i don't have much an appetite at the moment so if i get an appetite for food wouldn't that possibly possibly possibly be problematic possibly could be you never know unless you try to understand i mean

i don't know i could end up wanting to eat food instead of just being really lazy and eating the bare minimum plus chocolate and i was thinking maybe what i could do with a punch bag is have an hour a day put my gloves on so that i'm not hurting my hands because an hour is too long to be you know doing it without gloves but just do it gently gently punch in the bag but just move and keep it moving and just doing that for an hour just gently punching and without any kind of

power i say power but any effort and just just for that movement and maybe if i did it for an hour every day i'd sweat i guess and maybe that would increase my fitness level and maybe possibly lose some weight as well i don't know i'm not sure i mean i've got the equipment here that's the thing i've got the stuff here i've got the exercise bike i've got the punch bag i've got the the weight bench i got some weights i've got the sit-up bench you know i pretty much got what i need to

get fitter and to reduce you know my weight and to slim down my tum tum yeah the thing is i don't like cycling i mean i would have preferred i would have preferred to have had a walking running machine thing you know the um i don't know you know the thing that you walk on or you run on treadmill that would have been better and i suppose i could still get one i guess in the future but i just think they'd be a bit too a bit too bangy a bit too noisy for the neighbor

downstairs if i'm on a treadmill mind you there's no reason for me to run i could just walk on it couldn't i fast uh or i could actually go running i could just go jogging like i used to when i was younger the problem with that is parts of me wobble not the parts i'd like to wobble so and i'm pretty much free uh last i actually ran for the bus a few weeks back and i'm sure someone shouted out the window earthquake honestly i was like come on mate don't be rude okay i said

come on mum leave me alone will you just trying to catch the bus and that's it that's the end of this recording that's it is the end of the recording i hope you enjoyed it as much as i i did walking away lift your head up high and don't be afraid of the dog will you never walk alone you i'm a big good fan of big fan of uh what's his name stevie wonder i love steve oh do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

do do hang up the phone to let me know you made it home what am i wrong we've part time love you wait with me i think the light to let me know tonight's tonight for me and you my part time lover in a town that buys her passion on the run making love up against the sun for tonight maybe i'll tell you you're feeling so right okay that's not a very good impression of stevie wonder admittedly yeah i sort of need to rethink i've been practicing that for months okay here's stevie wonder overjoyed overjoyed

i've been missing my castle of love just for two though you'll never know you but my reason the sandman has come from too far away for you to say come back some other day overjoyed over you over me yeah that's i love that song when it came out because it was um in square circle the album there's one with overjoyed yeah that was in the charts about 1986 and then because i just left school i think wow 35 years ago 35 years ago wow anyway another song i like done that was whereabouts i'm trying to

find my whereabouts i'm turning blue but we i may have found a clue my whereabouts is someone last seen yesterday with you trying to find my whereabouts i'm turning blue but we i may have found a clue anyway i want to go thank you for listening and remember remember as always to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy do something nice for yourself doesn't have to cost money do something just be kind man just be kind to yourself so i shall see you again probably tomorrow i will be back with another podcast

episode um that's it lots of love take care and goodbye