#651 Let me bore you to sleep - A MISSED OPPORTUNITY - Jason Newland (5th May 2021)

Well, hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Hope you're well blah blah blah. Uh hello. Hello, how are you? It's Thursday the 6th of May 2021 and I had a few messages so I will read them out in a minute when I can be when I can be bothered because right now I'm feeling very lazy.

Very lazy indeed. My emotions are all over the place right now. I'm just trying to just calm down.

Okay and I'm back in the room. So Andre, what are you doing man? So yeah, uh I decided today, I decided that I am going to make videos on YouTube regardless of what equipment I use, how well edited they are, if at all, and just get on and do it. Which is what I've done today.

Now I made a Jason Chats vlog. I don't actually put the word vlog in. Perhaps I should so people know what it is but oh a bit of gas.

That's nice. Yeah okay. Have I had any, I'm gonna take my glasses off and put the ones on which I can read.

I cancelled my optician's appointment today because yesterday I didn't really feel like going. Wasn't really up to it but later in the day I was feeling better. I think there was something about the uh all the PPE equipment, wearing masks and having the tests done and uh just like in that confined room and uh just didn't really want to do it basically.

So I cankled the thing. So I'm just trying to see where my subscribers are. So I'm not getting on YouTube, I'm not getting, I'm getting actually less because I deleted most of my videos from YouTube which probably wasn't the best thing to do.

But any video that was either not me talking, okay I'll rephrase that, not me actually on video. So if it was a podcast uploaded or shared from Spreaker and it was just like a picture which played the whole podcast episode. I had hundreds of those on there and I deleted them all because YouTube doesn't really like that kind of stuff.

You know it's there for videos. The YouTube algorithm apparently. Well my views have gone down by a lot since I took those videos away.

Watch time hours gone down a lot as well. Um so yeah, yeah there you go. And I'm not in a position to, let's have a look, where am I? Where am I? How can I, it's analytics.

Yeah it's, so I left the most popular videos on there but as I said it's, it's gone down a bit. However I did make a video, uh was it last week or was it a week before? I'm not sure. Let me have a look.

It was a, it was a Jason Chatz. Um I don't know when that was. Oh it was, it was uh uh yeah it was last week I think and I was just going out.

I think it was last Friday or it might have been last Saturday and I was, oh someone put a thumbs down. Oh so it didn't get many views but still it was a little bit of a boost to the channel. A little bit of a boost and basically all I need to do is upload videos because I do have an audience on YouTube.

I just haven't, haven't kind of catered for them for quite a long time or at least I used to have an audience. I mean um so maybe I still do. Maybe there's a new audience out there for me.

I guess I reach a different demographic now due to perhaps my age and uh the kind of what I'm doing and also that you know if I was to film these videos, the Let Me Bore You To Sleep ones, they would be very long. Very, very, very, very long. Much longer than most people would sit and watch a video on YouTube.

So that would be something a little bit different. Little, little bit different. So I don't know.

I don't know but at the moment I decided, at the moment I have decided that I'm going to start making shorter videos just to start with and videos that are not on my podcast. I will, I do plan to be filming the podcasts as well but right now I'm going to concentrate on the podcasts and just make videos maybe you know one or two a day. I'll do a Jason Chats which is the vlog.

It's just a little update. Just like hi, how you doing? Oh love you. You know just hello.

This is what I'm up to. Just a little 10 minute video maybe less and I also did a video that's actually could be useful if people watch it. It's called Eliminate Rejection Pain Very Quickly and if you watch that even if you even if it might be entertaining to watch.

That's all I'm saying. It might be mildly entertaining to watch and it's just me in front of me with my phone basically. So I'm not using my like super duper camera or anything.

Just my phone camera. Not editing it. I'm just uploading it straight away as soon as I finish recording.

So you see me press the button at the end, the off button. Now I know that that's not ideal and it's not professional. It's not how YouTube channels are anymore but I figure this is better than nothing.

It's better than not making any videos at all and you know it just that's my logic. Now I can edit those videos. At least put a decent thumbnail so I can do that.

Add a thumbnail onto it. Make the thumbnail and you know do that. Not a huge amount of work or I can just leave it as it is.

There are ways you can edit as well on YouTube. So I'm not sure I might have a look at that. I could like edit out the last little bit while I'm pressing my finger into the screen.

You know what I mean. So I could do that. But yeah I was feeling quite good about it earlier.

I was after I made the Jason Chats and then I came back. I went to Taun and I made the eliminate rejection pain very quickly video and I was pleased. I don't know why I just had a surge of happiness fill me.

Maybe it was getting back in touch with how I used to feel when I'd made videos in the past. I used to enjoy it and I think the reason I used to enjoy is because I just film it and upload it and I didn't put any any effort into the editing really most of the time for quite a long time and then I did start to do that a bit. I think the edited ones were more popular I think but I just I liked just uploading just make the recording upload it and then not have to think about it again.

You know maybe share it on Facebook and stuff but and then just move on to the next one and just make a recording or a video. This is how I used to do it make it when I had a little bit of passion for something like an idea came into my popped out of my bum and I thought oh ah you know the idea for me it starts with regret is worse than rejection. So as an elder person I didn't know this I didn't know this 20 years ago and I'm not so much where I was but you know a little while ago I was really really focusing on things I regretted.

One particular thing that bugged me kept bugging me so as I think about it still bugs me a little bit but there was this lady she was young she's about 20 maybe 21 I was 32 and she really liked me she was a waitress in a cocktail bar she was a waitress in the comedy club. She really liked me I really liked her and I'd known her for a couple of years at least and on at least two occasions she'd shown interest in me.

One was when she came into the DJ booth when I was doing the DJ doing a disco and she started talking about adult things okay about things that I liked and asked me questions and told me things that she liked and like it was just it was a bit random but I must admit I thoroughly enjoyed it I thoroughly I had I really did I do cherish that moment with her but nothing happened it was just we were both working and she I don't know why she just decided she wanted to have that conversation with

me and because at times I'm way too slow I didn't even consider that maybe she liked me she was giving me a few hints but in you know in you know in reality it's very unlikely that you'd want to get into a conversation like that with someone in private in a very private because the DJ booth was like completely set it was right at the end of the club and it was the door was locked and no one could get in unless of course I opened the door it wasn't always locked to be fair but

you know it was it was private the lights were very dark outside so you know it's it kind of he had a degree of privacy no one else could hear what she was saying or what I was saying because of the loud music and to be fair I couldn't really hear and I could I definitely could I had my ears zoned they started flapping like did she say boobies it's like my my ears were flapping what did she say what oh my goodness I'm all flustered you like to do what now what I was I

was kind of like why are you talking to me like this why are you telling me this stuff because I was very generally didn't get involved with the staff because I like to meet new people there who were customers that sounds weird but yeah it's just you know that was what I was I was interested in dating people that didn't that I didn't work with didn't really wasn't really interested in dating someone I worked with not that I wasn't attracted to some of the people I worked with there was a few over the years there's

one actually I see I want to go on I'm going to tell you about okay I'll tell you about in a minute but she I'll come back to it this was someone I actually ended up nearly dating we spent the whole day together on a date it was a date and then she yeah I did something she wasn't happy well actually I didn't do something that she wasn't happy anyway I'll tell you there's nothing weird I'll tell you later um nothing strange or you know inappropriate it was it was kind of the opposite in fact

and anyway this this I forget her name now the one I forget but both their names actually but the the lady um the 21 year old or 20 year old she's beautiful really I really really fancied her but she was a friend you know I kind of I didn't I I'm pretty sure she used to tell me about her boyfriend so I just assumed she had a boyfriend and she was never she'll never be without a boyfriend if you know she might be married with 12 children now I hope she's happy whatever because she's a

phenomenal person really really nice and what was weird okay I know I'm jumping around here but I'm not literally jumping around but my little cousin I say little he was young at the time he was about 18 years old I think and he came to the club yeah he must have been on his own so he came to the club and he stayed over for drinks at the end of the night so all the stuff there might have been a party going on upstairs so he was with me I won't say his name because he's

a policeman now that he doesn't like to be associated with me but he we were me and him were really close at the time and he came he came to the after party because we were we were traveling home together you know we weren't um he lived up the road from where I lived but he was drunk now I didn't read drinks I was working I might have a few drinks at the after work and there was a period when I would get really really drunk and I wouldn't get home till like seven in the

morning and but that there was a little period of time when that was happening and then it kind of stopped but generally it just be like a cup of drinks then we'd all go home it's just like a wind down but sometimes there'd be a party and birthday party or something anyway John or Bob or Steve or Andy whatever his name was uh okay what happened oh yeah and then um then a tree that a tree fell down no and oh yeah my cousin my cousin was there my little cousin I say little he wasn't

little he was younger that's what I mean by little I'd say my little brother but my little brother's bigger than me so he's not little at all he could probably lift me above his head if he wanted he couldn't nobody could lift me above their head I'm so fat oh blimey just the idea even the world's strongest man had struggled with me like they'd be trying to lift me but like it keeps moving stop moving and I'm not it's my belly my legs and my arms are fine it's my belly it's it's it's like a

big jelly like it's just I can't do it it's like a blancmange I can't stop it moving stop it moving it's just I can't balance sorry mr world's strongest man nothing I can do about it no there's nothing I think I can do yeah there's nothing I can do that's all about it so there yeah anyway my cousin he was standing there and he was trying to chat her up so it's me and her she was taller than me by a couple of inches probably um and to be fair I think he's probably taller than

me as well everyone's taller than me it's not fair no one's I'm always I'm the fattest out of everyone that I know so that's good it's not really something to be proud of though is it I'm the fattest and the smelliest so hey I win on two counts uh I have the hairiest ears I see he was just standing there chatting her up okay and his chat up lines were terrible terrible and the thing is she was probably about 19 or 20 at the time so there wasn't really a big age difference between them so

technically he could have been a potential boyfriend for her I guess you know if she liked younger men um I didn't realize she liked me but if I had realized that if I'd have been a bit quicker on the mark I could have I could have at least kissed her you know I mean like something just gone out for a drink with her they had a meal with her because I got on really well with her she was funny and just clever and just everything you know really lovely too late she's 20 years ago this

you know if it's really weird if I could get a time machine this is how sad forget Hitler forget you know all these like warning people about some huge disaster or terrorist attack if I only had one trip I'm going back to the last time I saw her and I'm saying let's go to the DJ booth see that's how selfish I am and then no it'd be too late because it already happened yeah okay I was gonna say then maybe give her a list of stuff that's gonna happen over the next 20 years that she

can sort of warn people about maybe but uh I imagine if I was you know told oh you've got one trip back in the past you have to choose where you're going and you've got five minutes to choose you know I'll be spending four and a half minutes choosing where to go and getting all the coordinates and making sure that was correct and the other half a minute washing me bum so you know it'd be it would be a case of you know we don't have a lot of time to prepare and then so what

about your feet yeah but when you wash things higher up the water drips down doesn't it so it kind of technically washes that part that's why that's how I figure it out sometimes I walk in puddles so I my cousin was there he was just standing there chatting her up it's like what's your name then and he was like oh yeah um I like music and she was trying not to laugh because she kept looking at me and we weren't making fun of him but he was just so drunk we laugh we were laughing at

him but not in a horrible way because I honestly I loved that that boy to bits he was to me he was like a brother like a little brother to me I absolutely adored him and uh he's he's taking he's drinking and he's really drunk and he's trying to like be all suave and sophisticated and saying like yeah like I think he said something like bragging to show off and he totally just threw up he turned his back threw up down the stairs everywhere me and her we were laughing he collapsed I I meant literally

he was about to he he would have fallen down the stairs had I not been there I just grabbed him I grabbed his uh jacket or uh his jumper or t-shirt whatever he was wearing his shirt I just grabbed him and he didn't fall down the stairs but he would have done he literally was that drunk and he and he didn't know the building so he didn't realize that the stairs were so steep and I sort of dragged him back in and we were both laughing at just it was so funny he was laughing he

had no idea what he'd done or what was going on and so basically we cleaned him up sat him down and then we had to sort of clear up the mess so to be fair if there was anything between me and her that night cleaning up vomit cleaning up my uh my cousin's vomit kind of took away the spark if you know what I mean and the things I remember about her this has turned into like a love story and an open love letter to someone I don't even remember her name I do actually remember

her name I'm just not just gonna not gonna say it the first time I didn't not first someone noticed that but it was Halloween all right and everyone dressed up I didn't I don't dress up and I've always got the standard answer whether it's at work because I've worked in loads of places where people dress up for Halloween or uh you know and I always they say what you haven't dressed up I say yes I have because I'm just in normal clothes I said what will you come as then I said a serial killer and

they look puzzled like I said serial killers don't dress up in a costume they dress up in normal clothes but they do worse things than that thing that you're dressed as but I'm dressed as spider-man says when does spider superheroes when when is that Halloween thing I mean I love superheroes you know I was gonna say no one loves superheroes more than me but that would be a big big lie you know superheroes and comics are not my life but I do love them I love yeah I love all superhero films but I don't read

the comics because I guess I like watching it you know I like to I quite I like moving images more than photographs and I prefer photographs more than the drawn image like a drawn picture so I've gone along with technology you know so instead of you know like cycling some people are still cycling aren't they well you don't need to now we have cars or we have motorbikes mopeds we have cars we have you don't need to cycle I mean that's the equivalent really of riding on a horse that's just a step further a step

you know just riding a horse would be a step down to ride on a bike riding on a bike is what why around here there are adults on pedal bikes adults on pedal bikes in London right they're like swarms of locusts they're everywhere bicycles everywhere and you know what I don't understand okay now I can't even I can't begin to know the the sweat content of someone else's crotch I don't I'm not gonna you know but the times that I've cycled to work in the past I would get there and I would literally have to

empty the water out of my underpants the sweat that was gathered now maybe not many people are are that honest about you know that stuff but it's very uncomfortable to spend the rest of the day sitting in a pool of water so yeah that's I just don't know why I'm mentioning that but pedal bikes I mean wouldn't that be the equivalent really of you know those it's someone having a nice car and then giving the car up to ride a bicycle it's like giving you a mobile phone up to get one of those little baby

phones that just you press a button and it says hello I'm not home at the moment please leave a message and then you've got another one goes and you press another one and it says whatever I don't know I need to do that but press another number saying go away go to sleep now um or maybe not so yeah I Halloween was the first time that I've I've seen a lot of Halloween people over the years she this this lady I don't know how old she was then she's about 19 probably at the time because

she'd been there a couple of years and this was near the near the beginning of when she was there and she had a costume on and it was the best costume of any Halloween person I've ever seen in my life in history and I still remember it today phenomenal phenomenal phenomenal phenomenal phenomenal absolutely amazing um I think she came as a milkmaid but it's just it was just a really really good costume and yeah let's just leave it that it was just like well what um and and then on her birthday I don't know if

it was her 20th or uh I'm not sure 21st 20th she invited me to a birthday party and everyone else there as well just everyone I didn't sit with her because I didn't want that awkward uh that awkward conversation about why didn't I bring her a present to her own birthday party what where's her card I don't know I don't buy presents or cards for people not for parties like I've never once bought a wedding gift and I've been to quite a few weddings I don't buy wedding gifts it's not through principle I just don't

think about doing it I mean in a way I class me attending as a gift to them don't you do you do you agree do you agree no no I and then so it was her birthday party and I was sitting trying to this is how silly I am trying to chat up a friend of one of the waitresses actually she was a manager I think at the time trying to chat up her friend and her friend weren't having none of it and she was just talking to me and I think I said something that

annoyed her or something but um she kind of hung around in different this person she was like that was my friend as well I got on really well with her but her best friend was dating Rod Stewart and ended up marrying him so she I think it was art college they were together or something and so she was in a probably a higher class of people than me so I was you know I was perhaps not quite as sophisticated as her hard to believe now because honestly I'm clearly a very sophisticated young chap so the

birthday girl anyway forget that the birthday girl the the the woman that I'm focusing on on this recording for some reason is she she grabs me she says come on let's have a dance so she pulls me out of my chair surprisingly strong and she chucks me up and down you know in the air like you do with a toddler that's when I thought I felt a little bit self-conscious about the difference in strength and she did and she basically so she we danced I felt very self-conscious and embarrassed not embarrassed to be dancing with

her because that would be ridiculous there's no embarrassment there I was just embarrassed well I can't dance I'm not a dancer and not really I used to be when I was seven I was a hell of a dancer when I was seven I had very few inhibitions once I had a few drinks my inhibitions dropped a hell of a lot when I was seven but when I got older even the alcohol didn't seem to really help and at this point you know on this night I wasn't drinking really I probably had a drink but I

wasn't I never got drunk at that time and maybe had three pints or whatever during the night that's about it and so she picks me up no she doesn't pick me up she grabs me and she gets me on the well it's not really dance floor it's more it was closer to the bar more than the dance floor but and she starts dancing with me but right at the table that I was sitting where I was trying to that girl up or the other woman up and I was thinking oh there was a time right

where I used to really be attracted to women that didn't like me which meant there was a lot of a lot to choose from and I guess I used to see it as a challenge to to at least get them to laugh or to get them to to acknowledge my existence a little bit and I'm not really like that anymore or maybe I'm more worse than I was I don't know but I kind of don't care anymore but anyway she we were dancing and she like pulls me to her so I'm pressed against her I

mean she's grabbing me I'm struggling to breathe she's very much taking control of the situation if I'm honest and she's she grabs my hands and places them on her buttocks which is something that I would not do okay because I wouldn't want the other staff to think that I was groping a member of staff or trying to take advantage or you know I just that was on my mind and thinking I don't want people to think that because that's not really me not with staff that sounds bad it's not it's not you know it's a

different thing I didn't want to give that impression but she's the one to put my hands on her buttocks and in any other circumstances I'd have been very happy I would have been almost thrilled if I'm honest thrilled because well my hands would still be stuck to her body now they wouldn't have left uh they would have wandered but they would still be there but I just didn't feel as if I should do that so I I removed my hands from her buttocks and I thought well maybe if I just play with her no I

thought I'll just keep my hands I think probably at a waist I held a waist and talked to her and you know and then she I didn't know if she was drunk you know because her birthday I didn't want to again I didn't want to take advantage I didn't want to be even though she was the one instigating it but at the same time it was probably was just what she did when she danced so it might you know I was kind of all over the place and then she went back and she was sitting

the other side of the club and she just went away and I didn't really see her for the rest of the night really so that was the second little hint that maybe she liked me I like to think the first one was when she had the costume and she basically presented herself to me but um you know she she was there for everyone to see but I kind of almost felt like she dressed up just for me which she didn't but it's like wow you know if if on the Halloween if she'd have if you'd

have said well describe exactly how you want me to dress for Halloween if it's just for your little pervy fantasy that's what would have appeared except she probably would have had a hook for hands hooks for hands instead hooks for hands squids for feet and so she the third time I have mentioned this but I don't I don't like to say the words out loud because it sounds a bit it was her words not mine um but it was very blatant she was basically the third time was the the very last night I was there

I'd left to yeah I basically I'd left and I came back for I had a new job and I went back every weekend for I think three weeks because I had the weekends off during training and my last weekend the Saturday night we had a party a partay and she was there she you know all the staff were there and everything and I don't know probably an hour in she got maybe half an hour she came and sat down next to me and said a sentence that I still remember to this day there's a few

sentences that women have said to me that I remember like I'll probably always remember um most I can't repeat to you in fact all of them I can't repeat to you because they're all they're memorable for uh just funny but wrong in some ways um yeah so I said I won't I won't repeat what she said but she said uh and I probably have said it in the past if you heard it before you know what it is but I'm trying to clean my act up I am I am she basically said it was about

a body she said okay this is a way of saying it uh I have okay you like blah blah okay so she's looked him in the face in the in the face in the eye she said look she's like really like focusing you like blah blah and I have blah blah I mean it was very blatantly here we go you know you like blah blah and I have blah blah um you have to be really really really slow really dim to not not based on what I said obviously you're not going to know what it

is because I've not said the words but I mean with the words being said you couldn't misinterpret it as being a an invitation of sorts to at least discuss the subject you know I mean just because she said that didn't mean I could just yeah sort of start kissing her or something but it might have been but I could have it would have been well would you like a drink perhaps we should start dating uh perhaps I can get in contact with your father so I could ask permission to uh to maybe attend uh one

of your violin violin uh concerts she didn't play the violin I don't know why I said that although she yeah she had signed the rest of violin on um so she is yeah such a star and you know what I messed up right but another way I meant so nothing happened there I was just completely I was a bit frazzled to be fair I was a bit all over the place I was quite emotional that night and I looked over and I saw one of the other waitresses not waitress or waiters who'd been there for

quite a while giving me some funny looks I felt like the whole place could hear what had just been said which they probably couldn't to be fair they were doing their own thing there's music being played I felt very self-conscious very I just it's very different to what I'd experienced can you hear that it's half past day in the evening the birds are proper going at it anyway I didn't pursue I didn't at all just I made my excuses and left I don't know what happened I just ridiculous and in a way she fitted like

the ideal my dream woman physically and personality wise she was lovely as well so I don't know what was wrong with me why I didn't maybe I was just shy but then I just moved to a new place she was living in London she was quite a bit younger than me really like at least 10 years younger than me although I've always been immature I've always been about 20 years younger than what I really am probably 30 years now I probably reached puberty about four years ago and I messed up though because I got asked

to go and do a disco on a Saturday night they the the because they got a new DJ you know when I left he was on holiday and I said can you do and this was like probably after about a year of me not being there they said can you can you help us out and just do a Saturday night you know just come in we know you got to work but come in after work because I was working till six and just make your way to London and and we'll pay you and everything we'll

just just do the do the DJing I said all right okay cool I can do that she was working so it was really nice to see her and everything but I felt awkward like I wanted to talk to her but I just didn't know how what to say and this time the DJ booth had gone okay completely gone and there was a yeah there was this basically a table with the DJ equipment right not far from the bar the other side of the doors so you could see everything from the bar and you could see

so all the bright lights were on it and it was it wasn't anything like it used to be you know there was no privacy or anything and all the discs was just muddled up and it wasn't you know how it had been for me it wasn't organized the way it was when I did it so I didn't really it took a while to get back into it but I did all right and this was an opportunity for me to get to talk into the the waitress that I was you know had a bit of a

thing for you know that I really liked and I think she liked me but did I no what did I do you know what I did I pulled yep I found someone a customer and I pulled her and I went on with her and part of that is because I wanted to prove to myself that I still had it because when I moved from London my mojo had gone zero no women were interested in me at all but when I was a DJ they were it's like it was almost like I had a superpower and

this this this lady she came in on her own and she just stood there and talked to me while I was doing a DJ and then eventually I don't know we ended up kissing and that week I went home with her and I remember looking back at the at the bar where she was she was standing at the bar because a lot of the staff would just stand there waiting for the disco to be over because once they'd collected the glasses and you know there wasn't a lot to do during that time there's like a

two-hour period when it was more crowd control than anything else and she's looking at me and I was and I thought I just didn't know what to do it's like well well well well well never mind and I just continued my normal DJ routine and she we just I said I just had fun with this or this lady had fun with me as well so that probably didn't help I probably didn't help I mean if I was sensible if I like I should have said hi how you doing really love to see you to the

waitress you know have you got a boyfriend you see just find out and then just say do you want to hang out during the disco with me you know just I didn't think I didn't think about that I didn't think that far ahead plus to be honest with you I was I don't think I was the same person anymore that I was when I was doing the DJing and then when I was doing the sales I changed I think as a person um yeah I thought I would say I changed quite a bit as a

person I was not not in the least bit laid back at all very tense very stressed and um yeah I was okay in a sense of being able to talk to people on the phone but outside of that I didn't really want to talk to people and I was drinking excessively by that time so yeah I probably wasn't the same person that she remembered me to be because back then there was a lot of newness there was I was learning hypnosis NLP therapy I was sort of really you know those four years that I was

doing that that's when I was kind of growing I think as a person I still had a hell of a long way to go but I was developing there was newness there was I guess excitement in the air in a sense of what I was discovering finding out over time that I wasn't the complete idiot that I had been brought up to think I was that I wasn't as dumb as I believed myself to be and that was quite refreshing you know it's quite a nice period to actually because I was studying and I was

learning things and I was starting to know things that perhaps the average person doesn't know regarding nothing yeah things like hypnosis isn't it's not um it's not not a general knowledge subject although anyone can learn it just read a book it's not difficult but for me it wasn't about learning it was about absorbing it was about becoming hypnosis it was about allowing it to touch every part of my existence you know how dramatic it was much more it was but I was growing as a person I think sometimes it did seem like like 100 steps

back one step forward but I feel overall I think I was further forward than I would have been if I hadn't been doing and studying and learning stuff the self-esteem was high because of you know talking to women every and men as well people just generally uh during the disco DJing and stuff so I I felt more confident as a person that left me when I was in the call center so I had a different kind of confidence I was confident as a salesperson but not confident as a man I wasn't didn't feel confident with

women anymore because no women really seemed to take any notice of me which was hard it was really hard to go from being the center of attention to at least perhaps one person every weekend to you know the very least like at least one person every weekend would I'd get a fair bit of attention but just because I was DJ not because it was me just because I was there and I had control of the music but to go from that to nothing to zero was hard and the only thing that I was um known

for was to be good at sales to be good at selling insurance and that was enough for me at that time I thought it was but there has to be more has to be more than that you know if I went back I did it all over again I mean how far back do you want to go but if I went back I would I feel the very the very first time that the waitress the so I'm not gonna say her name but when she came into the DJ booth and started talking schmutty to me

I would have just let her know that I was attracted to her and that I liked her that would have been you know that would be the pretty much the the most normal thing to have done actually in that situation and the reason I mention this is because I went through a period a few months ago where I couldn't stop thinking about it couldn't stop thinking about her and there was this big regret almost like what if she was the mother of my children you know what if she she could have been the mother of

my children we could have been married and she could have been the love of my life and you know that kind of thinking I was gonna say stupid but it's not stupid thinking it's it's being a human being you know we in my in my um where the way I've lived my life the way I was brought up the idea it's an ideal to get married have kids you know to be with the love of your life and all that stuff that's almost like the perfect scenario so I was brought up with that ideal even

though I didn't necessarily prescribe to it but it was still there it's still part of society and in the same way as a range of marriages would be if you were born perhaps in a different country like like societally it would be everyone would kind of be in the same page with that so I guess I've kind of still had that a little bit maybe I still do a little bit have that idea idea of but it doesn't make sense now I'm 50 you know it's the thing is and it's weird but almost I still

want her as she was you know I don't necessarily I mean it'd be nice to sort of she's never going to be listening to this but I kind of I want her to be the same I know that's not realistic but I just want her to be the same as she was 20 years ago but then I'm not you know we're all different and we all change I'm probably better though I imagine because I think the the white whiskers that I've got now my chin chinny chin chin really has turned me into a sex pot

and I'm sure you all agree um I'm gonna bring this recording to an end but I will end by saying I got loads of messages that need to read out so I'll do that tomorrow today a few hours ago I received a parcel in the post and it says on the box Roadcaster Pro oh it's the Roadcaster that I've been talking about over the last I don't know a few months or maybe longer the Roadcaster Pro been talking about it at least this year so since the beginning of the year I finally got it I

need to figure out how to use it first so I'm not using it for this I'm going to do a video an unboxing video for YouTube so if you want to see what it is and what it's about you can just check out my YouTube channel I'll probably do that tomorrow and then tomorrow I'll look into how to work the thing but for now I'm going so remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy and if you're that waitress who works at the cocktail bar if you are and if you are

listening and you know you don't want to get in contact with me or whatever that's fine you know you might be married or and be a nun or be I was gonna say a racing car driver but I don't know what the relevance of that would be but you know just I was really into you I just don't know why I didn't tell you because I had the opportunity to tell you I just don't know why I think I was shy I think it was struggled a little bit when I actually cared about someone because

I haven't cared about many people and it's easier I think to start off just with a physical attraction oh okay I always found it easier to start off with a physical attraction and you know just be enjoying being with them because you're attracted to them and then the feelings arise and go that process but once the feelings are there before the physical contact I almost struggle with the physical contact it's I guess I don't want to ruin the ruin things ruin I don't want to yeah I don't know I don't really thought about it really

I thought about it but not not in a huge way because I know it sounds strange but in the past when I've loved really I've had unrequited love or unrequited unrequited love quite a few times over the years where I've fallen in love with a woman and she either doesn't know I exist or doesn't like me or is not interested and I'll be honest with you it's I really even think about the physical part of things that might happen it's all about the romance it's all about the the love the love in that person even

if I'm like there was this this lady that worked in a coffee shop she's a lot younger than me and she you know I used to look at her like her her body you know like oh wow but the way I felt about her was I just was in love with her and I didn't think about that stuff I didn't think about anything to do with um physical contact really it wasn't about that it was about how I felt when I thought about her and it's very strange I suppose what I'm saying is it's much

easier to be with someone when I don't care about them and that's wrong as well no that's not wrong you don't have to I was gonna say I was gonna say kebab no anyway I'm gonna go thank you for listening be do something nice for yourself do something nice for yourself and I'll be back again tomorrow lots of love bye-bye