#659 Let me bore you to sleep - ANDRE IS UNWELL - Jason Newland (18th May 2021)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

Yeah, Andre is ill. An understatement actually. He's very ill and I'm not sure what's wrong with him.

He's basically, Andre is my ferret, in case you didn't know. He's my little boy and I've had him, he's three months, three months off his sixth birthday. So he's, you know, he's nearly six and he's very unwell.

His back legs have completely collapsed. He can't use his back legs. He's got no balance and he's incontinent.

So I've gone online, done a little bit of research. The two do go together. So I think it's a mixture of not being able to get to the toilet, you know, as well as, well yesterday I noticed something, I think I mentioned it.

And he's just, he's just continuously weeing. He's got no control over it. And he's wee'd on me a few times.

I took him for a walk. I'm still taking him out every day and I was holding him and when I took him away I had a big wet patch. It looked like I was lactating.

It did, it was like on my chest like, oh no, these boobies are mine. But nope, it was Andre. It wasn't my nipples, it was his willy that was lactating.

And I'm not really sure what to do about it. I'm not sure what to do, what route to go down. So yeah, he's, what has he done? He's not eating.

I've tried, I keep getting the food and, you know, giving him fresh food because he's not eating it. So the food's going a bit crumbly. But I'm picking him up, putting a bowl underneath his mouth, holding him so he'll eat, trying to get him to drink.

All he's really doing is just sleeping. Earlier today I, he was, because he likes to sleep on my bed. So I put him onto the bed so he could have a nice sleep and I put the bed covers over him.

And I went in there. So I thought I'll take him out for a walk. And he'd done a poo on the bed.

Now, that's something that he would never, ever do. You know, it's just, he wouldn't even do that when he was a baby. Even when he was a baby and he'd get excited, and he'd end up doing a poo.

Without, you know, through excitement. We've all been there, haven't we? You know, first dates and stuff like that. Weddings.

And he was asleep further up the bed. So he won't sleep near it. He doesn't want to be near it.

But the bed's big enough to sort of have that distance. But he couldn't get off the bed, basically. So it's really weird.

I mean, this is teaching me something, but it's at his expense. So it's not a good lesson. It's a good lesson, but it's not, you know, it's at his expense.

It's a real, a sense of, I guess, teaching me some compassion, control, patience, getting in touch with logic, as well as the emotions. You know, if he'd have pooed on my bed six months ago, I would have, I'd have been angry. I would, I would have been really angry.

And if he wasn't unwell, if he just like, I'd have thought, well, there's a reason he did it. He must have had an accident. We're all allowed to have accidents.

And so I just, but I don't know if I'd have had the compassion that I kind of felt to what I'm feeling towards him. And I don't mean that in like, aren't I great? I've got a feeling of compassion. No, I don't mean it like that.

Just, it's weird. It's not like before last year when he, because he'd injured his leg, he got kicked by some little kid with special needs that lives near here. So it was no one's fault.

You know, really, it's a little tiny little kid. Mom called him, called me over so his kid could see Andre. And I'm talking to the mother, Andre's on the floor.

Next thing I know, my kid's kicked Andre. So I pick Andre up and Andre's going, shaking with rage. He was so angry.

But I thought nothing of it because he's been in fights with dogs and in the past, had to actually remove him from a dog's mouth once. And he attacked the dog. And the dog reacted by trying to eat him.

And I removed him from the dog's mouth. And he was covered in saliva. And Andre was going which is his is basically is his equivalent to, let me at him, let me at him.

You know, scrappy do. So he hasn't got that fight in him. Still not scared of anything, but he's still he hasn't got that.

The confidence that he had before, which I guess comes from not being able to walk. But that time when he was injured, once I kind of remembered, oh, okay, tracing back the steps, that's what must be the cause of his injury. Fair enough.

It's an injury, and he can heal from that. Although I wasn't sure at the time. And he did.

But he had a really bad time at the vets. The vets gave him too much sedation. And instead of taking two hours to recover, it took him two days.

So I know that we have to be sedated again, if I tend to the vets. And I think he only just survived last time. Really, I think it was touch and go.

They were worried about him. You know, they were because I think they were in the wrong. And he said, Oh, he tried to bite me.

Well, Andre doesn't bite people. He's never been a person ever. And even if he bites me, it's snapping, but not biting.

He doesn't actually bite me, unless we play fighting, which he hasn't done for ages. And even then he doesn't, he doesn't mean to hurt me, he just gets carried away. And I'm the one that pushes him to that point.

But even he stops, there's a point where he stops like, no, he just doesn't want to hurt me. So I think that they over sedated him. Because mate, well, why was he biting him? Was he being treated properly? I don't know.

You know? I mean, did he, did he bite him? Did the vet hit him? After he bit him? Because you do that, Andre will go for you after that. You hurt, you know, did he hurt him? If anyone hurt on, if he gets hurt by another person, he'll go for them. But that's natural behavior in any animal, isn't it? I think they're not, ferrets aren't subservient.

They're not, you know, they don't play that game. Doesn't matter who it is, like a dog. Dogs put up with their owners hitting them.

And still come back for more, still come, still love you. Ferrets, they're like cats, like, no, no way. You mistreat a cat, and they will hate you forever.

And rightly so, you shouldn't mistreat animals or anyone. Shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't, shouldn't. So yeah, I just don't know.

It's like, oh, turn to the vets. Yeah, but there's more to it. It's like, well, you know, he, he really took a bad turn when he had the, what's it, stuff, the sedation.

Will I be allowed to go in with him now? Now that the lockdown is getting eased off? Because I can hold him, I can, all I gotta do is look him in his eyes. You know, have my face next to his face. And he's calm as you like.

He just lay there and allow himself to have anything done. As long as I'm close to him. And he's, you know, when my face is next to his face, he's happy, and he's calm.

It's very relaxed. He's probably scared. My face is so big.

He probably thinks the moon has crashed into the, into the earth or something. I don't know. He's too, oh God, please don't put that big thing near me again.

I'll just lay here. I won't do anything. Just don't put that big round thing near me.

It's my face, Andre. I know, but have you seen it? Oh, yeah, that's rude. Stop it.

So yeah, that's where I am at the moment with him. And took him for a walk. After seeing the bed, I thought I'm taking him out.

A friend came with me and we just went around the block. He took his dog and on the way back, I was holding him the whole time. I put him down a couple of times.

And it's quite funny because even though he was wobbling and falling all over the place, he was still trying to, he's got this compass inside him where he knows the way home. And he was falling around all over the place. And he still managed to turn and face the way back home, like he normally does when he doesn't want to be out.

Or not when he doesn't want to be out, but when he wants to not have to walk. Because he likes to walk home. That's his, he always knows his way home.

So I picked him up and carried him the rest of the way. And just near here, just the last bit of the journey, he wanted to get down. So whenever he wants to get down, I put him down in case he wants to go to the toilet or something.

But he didn't, he wanted to walk. And he did. He walked nearly the whole way through the road.

So it was slow. It was very slow. He was sniffing the grass and just like normal.

He just, it's just his legs. They're just basically mainly dragging. He's got some movement, but there's no strength there.

And it's just painful to watch. So I don't know what, what I can do with him. And something else I've noticed, and I realized this last week, but I noticed last week, but I didn't, I mentioned there's like, he's been a lot cuddlier with me.

And I put him down on my, on my lap when I'm sitting down. And he just lays there. And he, he never does that normally.

You know, if I bore him to sleep, he'll fall asleep. And then suddenly wake up like, oh, you want to get, get off me. You're not my real dad.

And then just run, runs off. He loves that line. And now for the last week or so, before he was hobbling around, he's been laying on me.

I pick him up. He actually lies down facing the city on the floor. So I pick him up.

I put him on my lap and I just stroke his body, massage him gently, stroke the top of his head and under his chin. And he seems really happy. And, you know, I was massaging him.

I always, always check his limbs, check his legs. You know, I stretched him out. That's not why he's not walking.

I've done not like overstretched him or anything, pulled his legs out of his socket. I didn't do that. But gently move his legs around, especially his lower legs, just his back legs, just to make sure that he feels okay.

And there's no pain because he doesn't flinch or anything. So it doesn't seem to be any pain with him, but it's just not working. These legs are just not working.

And tonight, literally about half hour ago, he was on my lap again. He was just laying there and he was twitching every now and then, which is something I've noticed. He's been doing a lot more over the last few months, more like shivering and twitching and stuff.

It's not always, it's almost like ferret behavior, but it depends, you know. It's, yeah. The weird thing is just then I was, I was, I thought I'll turn, I'll turn the TV off and I'll just lay, I'll lay back in the chair and he'll be on my lap and I'll just leave him there.

And I'll just, well, to be honest, I was trying to send him healing. There you go. Um, and suddenly he like becomes wide awake and he falls off of my chair, almost like rolls off and lands.

I don't know how he landed. And then he starts hobbling around and he was so disorientated. He didn't know where he was.

So what I did, I picked him up and I put him inside a jacket, a cardigan that's on the floor, one of his sleeping things. And I just sort of wrapped him up a little bit and he's asleep in there. So he's nice and comfortable.

I sit there and he's still, he's, Andre, are you okay, mate? Anyway, yeah, that's, that's what's going on with him. Cheeky little monkey. Almost want him to be naughty now.

I want him to start being naughty. Just start chewing at my shoes or something like that. Just to sort of show that he's, he's himself.

Do you want to get down? You want to get off? Okay, good boy. Right. You all right? What's up? Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? I heard him squeaked when I picked him up.

Hey, hey baby. Hey, hey baby boy, look at me, look. That's it.

Look at me. Look at me. You all right? Little wiggle nose.

Little wiggle nose. He does need a bath though. Oh, you want to get down? Okay.

I need to give him a bath. He's starting to stink a bit. Which is unusual again.

He's, I think it's more just, I guess, without being crude or, you know, he's sleeping in his own wee at times, I guess. But he hates baths. You might think, well, give him a bath then.

Yeah, but this is the time I don't want to put him through that because he absolutely hates baths. I'm trying to, I'm trying to mollycoddle him and give him lots of love and, you know, I don't know where he's trying to get to. He's trying to walk somewhere.

I should just leave him alone. He can get around here. Nothing's too far away.

Andre, it's like an old man. I'm gonna press pause for a second. I just want to just see if he's okay.

Yeah, he's just walked. Oh, that's a nice noisy chair. It's just, he's just waddled into the bedroom to go and have a sleep on.

He's got a carrier, a carrier bag that he likes, he likes sleeping in carrier bags. It's just this thing. And I put a bit of one of his, again, another jumper thing that he likes sleeping.

So I'm just trying to make him as comfortable as possible. So he's just hobbled into there and now he's gone to sleep again. This is turning into a bit of a bit of a downer, isn't it? It's not really, it's just, it's life, isn't it? He's, he's just how it is.

This is what's going on for him. And I had a message from some body. Can't find the message, though.

I think it was on Facebook. I think it was Facebook, as in, I can't get it on my phone. I have to go into the iPad to get the message.

You know, the Bipolar Support Group UK on Facebook. Every night, someone puts Wide Awake Club. Any members of the Wide Awake Club awake? And it's almost like, um, well, do something about it.

Do something. There are resources out there to help you sleep. I'm one of them.

Okay, I'm not going to be for everybody, but there's, there's things out there to help people sleep. Try them. You don't have to um, start a bloody club to celebrate, you know.

Oh look, I'm wide awake. Are you wide awake? Go to sleep. Do something that helps you sleep.

There's lots of different things. Loads of different things out there. But there's also, no matter how many different things there are, there's probably a million people that wouldn't use them for everything, you know, that's out there.

So, let me have a look. Got a message here. This is from Terry.

Hey Jason, for the last year with my work, it's been really hard. You've been the most comforting, lovely and warm source of me getting to sleep. I've been going through a hell of a lot on top of work and you got me through it.

Thank you so much. Um, please know that you make a huge difference in my world. Thank you, Terry.

I had a look at her profile because she's attractive and um, she's, she's a nurse, I think, from what I saw. So, I see what you mean about having a difficult year at work. That's got to be one of the hardest, um, especially during the, during the really tough times of the pandemic.

But just, just doing a job where you have to wear all that protective equipment. You know, I just, I mean, I moan about having to wear it when I get on the bus and stuff, but that's just because I, I enjoy moaning. And also, I just find, I, they make me cough and sneeze sometimes, those masks, the surgical masks.

Surgical masks? I don't know. Whatever they are. And yeah, they're uncomfortable, especially if you wear glasses.

I have to take my glasses off, which means I can't see in and out, which is annoying. You know, I mean, especially if I'm on the bus going all the way to town. I mean, it's so many wonderful things to look at.

It feels like I've got a wet, wet leg. That's weird. Mind you, I did pick him up earlier, so maybe he, he weed down me.

I thought he had to wash that top that I had him holding him against earlier. Oh, yeah, obviously cleaned the bed. And I thought, hmm, time to turn the mattress over.

Time to, that's a good time to do that. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

So, but thank you, Terry. That's really nice of you. Lovely message.

And I'm sure someone else sent some messages, but I forget. I lose track. I really do.

I just been thinking, the, the benefits of Andre, I'm trying to think of like, let's, let's look at the positive. I mean, you know, talking about him being ill, it's not a negative thing. It's just a factual thing.

It's, it's not a particularly nice thing, but it's nature. And I guess more important than him being unwell is what am I going to do about it? That's the, that is the question. And I'm not sure what the answer is yet, because it's, yeah, you know, it's, it's not a cheap, a cheap thing, the old vets.

And they won't do anything until you pay them beforehand. So they must have in the past, I'm sure they must have like said, well, we'll do this treatment and then people didn't pay them or something. Because now they won't do nothing unless you pay them.

And I remember when Andre had a chest infection, when he was a baby, took him to the vets. And I phoned lots of different vets, I wouldn't see him for whatever reason, or they didn't have any space. And for me, that was an emergency because he was coughing and he was struggling to breathe.

That's, that's an emergency. So I just walked into one of the big vets, long ways, long, long way away from where I live as well. And they said, I was going to cost you 120 pound or something like that.

I said, 120 pound, I think I had about 60 pound on me in my bank as all the money I had. I didn't expect it to be that much. And I said, well, it might be a different figure, but it was more than what I had.

I said, what? I said, well, can't the vets see him? And then I'll, I'll pay the rest. You know, you know, I'll try and get the money together and I'll pay the rest next week or no, won't see him unless you pay the money. I said, okay, how much, how much money to have him put down then? She said, what? I said, I just want to figure it, is it cheaper to have him put down? And she looked at me in disgust.

Obviously, I was joking, I didn't mean it. But I said, well, you won't do anything for him to help him because you haven't got enough money to pay it. I was wondering maybe you would put him down.

She didn't like me after that for some reason. Luckily, a friend came to my rescue. So I phoned a friend and she helped, which is brilliant.

And last time I got some help as well, you know, which is nice. I got some help from some of my listeners to help to pay the vet bills. This was, what was it last year? It was a summer, sure.

It was nice weather. So I'm pretty sure it was in the summer during lockdown anyway. So it was before the, before they kind of opened anything up.

I've got an itchy ankle. I've got a bloody ankle. I need to cut my nails.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, so yeah. Some of the things I want to get.

Oh, it's a blimmin' chair. Some of the things that were the benefits of having him in my life. He's taught me patience.

And although I don't have huge patience with humans, which is weird. I thought that learning some patience would kind of, those skills would spread to other situations, but they're not necessarily have. But maybe they have and I just don't realize it.

But just the way that he lives and the, you know, the clearing up after him. That has been, you know, definitely a learning curve, learning to put up with it, really. And my dad won't come anywhere near this flat.

He won't come into my home anymore since I've got Andre. So that's another good thing. No, but he's, you know, so I put up with that.

Some people, so I'm getting rid of the ferret. My family won't come in. You know, not me.

He's my son. He has to come first. You know, I kind of figure this way.

If you can't look after a ferret, then what good are you? You know, if I can't even look after a little ferret and give him a decent home, give him love, make sure that he's well and happy and fed and all that stuff, then what use am I as a person? You know, I kind of have that, I call that mentality. So at the moment, I'm being a bit useless. I guess.

But he has been happy. I'd say that most of the time that he's lived with me since he's a little baby, he's been happy. He's had everything he wants.

He's taken everything he wanted, really. But he's, you know, he's got lots of toys, lots of, I think he's getting what he needs or he's had what he needed. I've taken him out pretty much as soon as he was able to fit into the harness without slipping out.

Because he used to be tiny. As soon as he was big enough, I was taking him out for walks. And, you know, sometimes in the summer, I take him out three times a day.

So I was, you know, I've tried to, I figured that would be good for his, you know, exercise, it'd be good for his limbs, good for his body, good for his mind. I've given him stuff to play with. So, you know, I give him lots of attention.

The other thing is, I tell him I love him every single day. I know that's a bit, probably maybe a bit sad or a bit weird, a bit strange. Why are you telling us that? You know, but I just, I felt it was important to do that.

Because I've never had anyone in my life that I could tell them that I loved them every day. Without it getting weird. You know, there was this lady that I worked with.

But after six months, she'd had enough. She's like, I can't take it anymore. You know, we're not even dating.

Why do you keep telling me you love me? I said, I can't help it. I just need it. I need to do it.

I need to tell somebody. It just gives me something. I don't know what it is.

I'll get something from it. Some kind of belonging. I don't know.

Gives me meaning to my life. I just, so I used to, yeah, since I've had him, I've told him, I look him in the eyes. I tell him I love him.

When he was in his cage, I used to say, you know, I love you. Give him a kiss. I'll see you in the morning, you know, but he hasn't been in his cage for probably two years now.

Probably is about two years. So he's just been sleeping out, doing, sleeping wherever he wants. And I don't know if, you know, realistically, he probably doesn't understand a word I say, but I feel he does.

I feel he does understand. Because we do have a way of communicating. Where, well, he has a way of communicating with me when he wants me to do something.

And I've talked about this before, but I've already talked about all of this before. But, you know, if we were out for a walk, he'll walk up and he puts his, he kind of just walks towards my feet, sniffs my feet, which basically he just wants me to stand there. It's almost like he hasn't decided what he wants yet, but he wants me there.

He wants to make sure I'm, it's almost to make sure I'm with him. And, and then I'll carry on walking. Or if he wants me to pick him up, he'll put both of his hands on my feet.

Or what he used to, he'd like do a, it's kind of get on both, both his back feet and he'd like stand up and put his hands against my shins. So, you know, whatever, which means he wants me to pick him up. So I do, he knows how to let me know he wants to get down.

It just makes a noise and it makes almost some gestures. And I'm like, okay, so I let him down. When, when we're walking somewhere and he doesn't want to go the way I'm going, he lets me know by laying flat on the floor and tries to stop me from pulling him.

So you can see his hind legs, his back legs flat on the floor and his, his hands flat on the floor as well. And his body like crunched, trying to stop me, trying to almost, you could see him trying to stop me from pulling him. Sometimes that's because, well, it basically wants me to stop pulling him.

Sometimes it's because he wants to just lay down and go to sleep, have a rest. Sometimes it's because he wants me to walk back and I'll find that out. Because, you know, if I walk back and he's still standing there, just waiting.

And then he'll like put his hands on my feet for me to pick him up. Or he might still be there, but he just lay down on his side to go to sleep or to sunbathe. And he expects me just to wait there for as long as he decides to sleep.

But what often happens in that scenario is he starts to be walking and I don't like dragging him. So I just stop. And as soon as I start to walk towards him, he turns around and starts walking the other way.

A prime example of this is he pretends to be tired. So yeah, what he'll do is if he's really tired, he does get tired. He's only got little legs, isn't he? He'll lay on his side.

Just that little interruption then. So into the bedroom, see what he's up to. He wants to get onto my bed.

Oh, I feel so sad because he loves it on that bed. But the bed loves being poo free. I just, so I'm holding him.

I've got him in my arms now. So he's happy, aren't you? You're happy? Getting cuddles from daddy? Yeah? Daddy cuddles. There's nothing better than daddy cuddles, is there? There's not anything better than this.

No, there isn't. And so yeah, I just, just cuddling him now. So the, yeah, he'll lay on his side when he's tired.

So if I'm not careful, sometimes I end up dragging him without realising it. So I had to keep an eye on him. And, but he wouldn't let me drag him.

He doesn't put up with being in pain. You know, if I dragged him and he was hurt and he'd get up on his legs, but he's just, you know, if it's on the grass, he's happy to be dragged. And then when he does that, usually it means he's tired and he wants me to come and pick him up.

Or he wants to just go to sleep. But sometimes he fools me. He tricks me.

He lays down on his side. So I stopped walking and I start walking. I filmed this once.

It's on Facebook. And I start walking towards him and he jumps up and starts running back to where we come from, because that's the direction he wants to go. So he tricked me.

But you know, I've got the lead so he can only get so far. I mean, we have tug of wars. Honestly, he wants to go deeper into the field.

And, you know, I'm kind of, well, we've already gone at one side. Let's go back down the other side. Because I know what he wants and what he does so many times.

He'll take me as far as he can into the fields and he just collapses on the floor. And reaches out his hands for my feet and expects me to carry him all the way home. Which isn't difficult because he doesn't weigh much.

But that's not the point. The point is, I figure why can't I just walk the whole journey instead of going right the way out in the middle of nowhere. We could have done a shorter journey and you could have walked the whole way, couldn't you? You didn't want to though, did you? See right now, if I was on camera, no difference from normal.

I'm just holding him exactly the same way as normal. Supporting his whole body with my right hand supporting the lower part of his body. My right arm supporting his torso with my left arm sort of on top as well.

And my left hand just holding his head and stroking his face. And underneath his mouth, his chin. His chinny chin chin.

You like that, don't you? You hear? You've got no bloody choice, have I? You've basically got me in a... You've got me tied up. I can't get out of it. I don't want you touching me.

Get off! Stranger danger! Stranger danger! Stop it, Andre. Why are you so... Other things he he likes to, you know, with the old water or if the food, if he wants me to get him some food, he'll just look at me and look at the bowl and look at me and look at the bowl. Now his cousin, his uncle, who was a ferret, who my friend had, what he would do is he was he would push the bowl, bang the bowl until he got fed.

Andre's never done that. He's a bit more subtle with it. But I think, I think it's because I'm always watching him.

I'm always with him. Plus they're different. They've got different ways of grabbing attention, I suppose.

But he's, it's almost like he's got mind control over me. Well, Andre, perhaps you should use some of that mind control and direct it at your bottom and your willy so that you control your poo and your wee. You need to eat something as well.

What I might do tomorrow is get a, from the pet shop, get a, you know, like those little squirty things, you know, you can feed little birds and little animals with, like syringes. I might get one of those and fill it with his, with his food and just feed him that way. So he can just, you know, he can just go straight in his mouth and he can just swallow it.

At least then he'll be eating. He hasn't got to sort of try and stand up whilst doing it. Have you? It's weird.

It's a weird thing to do, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Baby boy, baby boy, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. What does Britney's go? Ooh, baby.

One more time. Ooh, losing control. Go out of my mind.

My tummy is making feed me sounds. My tummy? Oh. You got a tummy as well Daddy? Yes I do.

Oh, that's nice. Thank you. Stop acting weird.

You're weird. Yep, you're probably right. The fact that I'm having a conversation with a sleeping ferret.

Oh, I'm not asleep. Yeah you are. Okay I am.

Okay, you know everything. Stop it. You're the king of the world.

You know everything. Shush, just behave. I'm sorry I try and behave like you Mr. Perfect.

Mr. Perfect behavior. Shush, why are you so rude? I'm sorry I'm rude, unlike you. Never been rude in your life have you? Mr. Mr. Mr. Wonderful.

Oh, where's your cape? You surely are a superhero. Huh? Oi. You're a darling little baby boy.

Yes you are. He loves my bed. You know, he must have turned it into a studio apartment didn't he? I'm not sure which part of the bed or the mattress was going to be the kitchen.

But I know which part was the bathroom. Eh? Can't let that happen anymore. You never get told off for it but, you know, can't just... It's just like encouraging it really isn't it? It's like, you know, there you go.

It's just really weird when he's like this. So cuddly. He's just... I don't know, it's like he wants... Or needs to be held, you know? Needs that comfort, that physical contact.

Don't you? Yeah, but unfortunately all I've got is you. Yeah, fair enough, that's nice. You suppose you're going to blame that on me are you? I was, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't fart. Admittedly I do poo. You've heard the stories about that.

Very embarrassing for me. But I don't fart. It's not me.

It's not, honestly it's not. Well who else could it be Andre? Let me think. There's only two of us here.

I mean who else, do you think it's the television? Do you think it's the carpets farted? Oh that damn carpet keeps farting. Let's move out. Can't live in a place where the carpet farts.

Stop it. Stop being so... I don't know if condescending is the right word but it sounds... Sounds... Useful. You didn't know what to say to it did you? You ran out of words.

It sounds... It sounds like... You ran out of words. No I didn't run out of words. I just... I like to pick my words carefully.

Since when? I don't know, I've always liked to be... Just, you know, be careful what I say and... Just, you know, just generally try and be gentle and... Careful with my words. You know, picky. Selective.

I think you're selective with your memory. What do you mean? Well you were saying you're careful with your words. I remember loads of times when you've got in trouble... With your mouth.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, okay, let's just leave that shall we? Oh, why? Well... There's no point bringing up old stuff.

What are you talking about? What you ever do is talk about old stuff. Most of it's made up. If only people realised how boring you really are.

You like to make up the boring stories. Because your life's so boring... That you've got hardly any boring stories to tell of your own. So you have to make up boring stories.

You are so sad. Andre... That's actually really rude but... It's kind of true. Yeah, I know.

Why can't you be a bit nicer? I don't have to be. Why? I don't want to be. I don't have to do anything.

I know you don't have to do anything but... Wouldn't you like to be a bit nicer? No, not really. Okay. Do you want to say anything? This will get near the end of the recording.

You never know. Do you want to say anything before we go? Say anything to your fans out there? Yeah, one thing. Okay.

You're not my real dad. Andre... Yeah. Okay, do you want to say anything nice? Yeah, okay.

I'd like to say thank you to all my fans. Thank you for being wonderful. Not as wonderful as me, of course, but... You know.

Cheers for being here. And... I know there's only five people listening to this. My dad makes it out of their life.

Hundreds and thousands of people... Listen to the recordings every day. Yeah. Ten thousand people.

Yeah, he'd be lucky to get ten people. Blimey, don't half exaggerate. Oh dear, oh dear.

You know, he tells girls he's got a four inch willy. Just in case they actually get to see it. And then they see it's four and a half inches... And they'll be relieved.

This is so sad. Andre, I've never done that. Why do you make stuff up like that? You're always making things up.

Like what? Well, now. What do you mean? I'm not actually talking, am I? This is you. So? What's your point? Well, it reminds me of a film I watched once.

Yeah, a movie. What? Um, what Disney movie? Um, do I remind you of... What, an action star? What was the movie? Psycho. What? Yeah, you know when he puts on the voice of his mum? That's you.

Except... It's me. Instead of an old lady, it's a ferret. You're weird.

I'm not weird. Andre, I love you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It loses it's meaning after six years. Oh, that was harsh. That was harsh.

Blimey. Doesn't... I can't believe you said that. How can it lose it's meaning? I love you, honestly, so much.

You're just showing off. I'm not showing... I'm not showing off. I'm just telling you.

Just thought I would tell you. It's about time. What do you mean it's about time? You want to get down? Okay, okay, okay.

There you go. I'm going to do a wee wee. No, he wanted to get down.

I've got a cramp in my arm. He wanted to get down. I figured... He'd had enough of the conversation and he just wanted to get me down.

Alright, Em, see ya. I'm sure he says goodbye, but you know, he's just decided he didn't want to be hugged anymore. So that's it.

Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself. Because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.