#589 Let me bore you to sleep

And welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

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So yeah, that's groovy. So it's jasonnewland.com, let's see, okay, oh yeah, today, let me have a look, let me read it out to you. Let me see, oh, got a message, got a message, okay, got a message at 3.30 this afternoon.

So today is the 20, no, it's the 2nd of February, 2021. It's now 10.30 in the evening. So I got a message saying, it's for the NHS COVID-19 notification.

Dear Jason Newland, date of birth and then test date, 29th of January, 2021. Your coronavirus test results is negative. It's likely you did not have the virus when the test was done.

Keep following coronavirus advice, including regular hand washing, social distancing, wearing a face covering where recommended. You only need to self-isolate if you get symptoms of coronavirus. You'll need to book a test, you'll need to book it.

I know where to book a test, I've just done a test. Why are you telling me where to book a test? I clearly know where to book a test because I just had the test. This is the test results.

So yeah, you can return to work if you've not had a high temperature for 48 hours and feel well. Contact your employer first. So yeah, all's good.

So that's nice. So I don't have the coronavirus and the cough, which was really, I say it was really bad. I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't chest infection level at all.

You know, it's a, it's a completely, you know, it wasn't on that level, but it was quite continuous for about a week. And also I've still got the residual. It's pretty much gone now.

So I'm pleased to say, I'm very pleased to say, I'm ecstatic to say. So yeah, so the cough is pretty much gone. So I guess you could just say, perhaps I just had a cold, a chesty cold.

You know, I was, I didn't have like a full on, like blowing my nose all the time, but I did sneeze quite a bit. And I had a bit of a runny nose at times, headache for a couple of days. A bit, a bit hot and feverish.

That's, that's why I had the Corona test, because some of my symptoms did match the recommended illness levels, symptoms to require a test. So it doesn't mean I haven't had it. I might've had it.

They don't test for that for some reason. Which is weird because someone that lives where I live, he came back from, I don't know, a Middle Eastern country in probably October, November last year. And he was tested, either leaving that country or entering this country, I'm not sure.

But anyway, he was tested and they told him that he didn't have the coronavirus, but he had previously had the coronavirus probably about April, May time. So, but the test that I've had done doesn't give me that information. And I thought they did because I remember, oh, very well I remember.

I don't remember anything well, but I do kind of remember them saying, we can test and see whether or not you've had it. Because if you had it, you possibly going to be immune. But then this is a while back and I'm guessing they still don't really know that much about it.

You know, they know more than me, but every day, oh, it's a different strain. There's now one in Kent, there's now one in South Africa, and 44 people living in Wimbledon have got the South African element of the strain. And just stuff like that, which is, I don't know, I've got to the point.

I'm just, I put the news on just to get an idea of what's going on in the world. And then I turn it off. I put it on in the afternoon about 5, 4, 4.30, you know, that kind of time.

That's when the latest statistics are released to the public. And then I turn it off. So I'm not really watching the news as much as before.

And I was really, really into it. Well, into it or following it, you know, right from the beginning, you know, when it was like, wow, six people have now got this Covarona virus thing. That's that's what I was really interested because I thought, wow, what's what's going to happen here? Because they seem to be really blowing it out of proportion at the time because it was such tidy numbers.

And I thought, are they really they trying to scare us? What's going on? And then it did become what it's become. So wow. It's weird, you know, back in China, it's really hard to say China without saying China, China.

Like the former president of a country, China, China. And I've heard of a famous politician say China is almost like it's there now. This is like the my bad.

I don't know why I said it. I just felt I had to say it. I haven't heard anyone say it this week.

So I thought I'd better say it. My bad, my bad or thank you. So just thank you.

Thank you. How high pitch can you get? How high pitched can you get? I always used to think that Russian ladies had deep husky voices. It just it's not really relevant to what I was talking about.

But I remember the first Russian girl I met and my ears bled. She was so high pitched. It's like I said, I'm Jason.

How are you? She said, what's your name? My name is Veronica. So I honestly could hear dogs and cats screaming from miles away. She was lovely.

But I just like this isn't like the woman from Rocky four. My name is Veronica. You.

Veronica. Anyway. So yeah, that's that's good.

It's it's it's good. Partly part me kind of wanted to. Get the.

news that I've had it so like you know so I can kind of not not not not be careless because I'm being careful but thinking well well I've got it and I was okay I love the way people always just assume stuff I love it so at least you said to me she didn't if she didn't have it bad if you have got a leash I'm got it bad and you know how bad I've got it you know I know I'm not on a respirator and I'm not in hospital you don't know if it's like

well yeah I'm here coughing my guts up for the last week with a headache and a fever and feel ill hasn't been pleasant I wouldn't recommend it as a holiday I'm not gonna write a romantic poem about it oh you didn't get it bad did you which is true I didn't get it bad but I didn't get it all because it wasn't a coronavirus it was a cough but it's not nice to have a cough continuously not being able to lie down or not be able to sort of not be able to make recordings juicy

recordings like this because every other word I can't even pretend to cough because I will start coughing so yeah for someone like me coughing is almost the worst thing because of course not being able to breathe would be worse I know not having a head that'd be worse I'm just saying if you don't need to use your voice then having a cough isn't because I found that I coughed more when I tried to talk don't try to talk I just talked I wasn't like wasn't building up building up too long I'm gonna say I'm gonna

say the word robot in a minute build up to it no I just I just spoke but I found myself coughing when I talked but when I didn't talk I still coughing but less it was I remember I phoned the coronavirus people up and got the test and I was on the phone for about seven days it was like so many questions and I was coughing kind of all the way through it and I started to feel like a fake you know I think we've all done it you know you phoned up your work on

a Monday morning saying hi it's it's me I'm not feeling very well and I can't come in today sorry about that I'll see you tomorrow bye it's like they know if you phone up any workplace on a Monday morning and tell them that you're not well that person listening to the call the person that you call 90% thinks you're lying don't matter if you're lying or not because of the Monday morning thing call up on a Wednesday morning especially if they've seen you not be very well but during the week but you know if you

when Wednesday morning fine Thursday call up on a Monday morning there's the assumption that pulling a pulling a sickie which isn't fair is it really I have to it's weird and that because I'm I'm not self-employed but I'm moving hopefully towards that I have to pull sickies on myself I literally have to phone myself up yeah hi yeah what is it and you know how weird that is when I talk to myself yeah what yeah very well you put that funny voice on for what you mean me funny voice you're the one a funny voice

no I'm not it's you are I mean I'm not what's wrong with oh me me arse me arse is on fire hemorrhoids I think so I mean despite me so something wouldn't it be good if we could be honest just phone up and say look I drunk too much last night I'm absolutely knackered and I'm really don't want to move too far away from the toilet every time I go near the front door me me arse starts to twitch I need to stay near to the toilet or even more honest I don't like the job

I can't be bothered to come in and I'm gonna spend the day or nine looking for new work new employment because I hate it there of course you can't be that honest I remember years ago right I got a job and I just during the 90s I I went from job to job to job to job to job moved around so much it was ridiculous not just jobs but different places I've lived in over 50 places since so since I left school I've moved over 50 times home you know moved to different homes I had

over 50 jobs so when it when it came to get in my it wasn't my first proper full-time job but it was it was almost like the the first decent clean job as in working in an office although I had worked in offices before but I don't know it was something it was like for a big firm well I had worked for a big firm I've worked for a bakery that was huge okay it felt like a real job none of the others yeah I don't know more professional working insurance maybe I don't know just

the concept of it so what I did is I lied now I don't like to lie unless the result is sex no I don't like to I don't like to lie I just you know I think in some ways I think if you've had life experience then surely that's a good thing in it don't you think I don't know it doesn't I don't think it comes across very well plus if I have a foolish see you know if I fill a application form in and they say oh if you have any other jobs because I'm

thinking back to the quite a while ago but it'd give you maybe enough room to put three jobs down maybe and then say if you need more space to put more jobs on then just please ask at the reception for some paper so I'd go up and say I've there's not enough room on this form for the jobs I got so then the receptionist say did you need more paper then I say yes please how many sheets I say 52 please you know it doesn't you know because they don't mind you you think about it

though if you've just used 52 sheets of paper from the firm that you're you know you're being interviewed by they've already invested money in you haven't they they're printing there's all that stuff so they've already invested like maybe five quid at least in you all that printing so I I thought you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna do what I never do and I thought I'm gonna lie I don't lie I don't see any point I make I do lie I'm not saying I don't lie I mean I lie on these recordings I make

stuff up and but that's different firstly for me the only reason to lie is to gain something it's to benefit from it there's no point lying unless there's a benefit now my life the way is I've got no benefit from lying about anything but I do make stuff up so I'm not a liar but I am makes sense to me so that's why I don't I don't need to lie there's no benefit to me I don't steal off people and I'm not a pickpocket mind you I always wanted to be a pickpocket I did I

think ever since watching Oliver the film the I was gonna say the proper one but for me there's only real one real version of that but this there isn't it's quite a few isn't there but the one with Oliver Reid he was horrible in that didn't like him didn't didn't see why he was even in it honestly not him but the character you know just go away don't just horrible that horrible character in in the movie days wonderful man outside but just what an actor he was I don't know if anyone remembers Oliver Reid he

was the intensity that that man had you know and he was he was famous in the 70s and 80s yeah 60s as well maybe I don't know I'm not sure how far back his career went but the idea of pickpocketing and you know sort of bumping into someone and grabbing their wallet oh for some reason that excited me when I was a little kid and then another thing is being a cat burglar I'm not even gonna make a joke about stealing cats or you know grabbing the pussy nothing to do with feline I generally wanted

and I think this guy this goes back to the Pink Panther films where you know they always show quite a long clip of someone that was supposed to be David Niven climbing on a roof and you know move all the gadgets and then climbing or maybe get into an art gallery or in that kind of stuff that appealed to me I also wanted to be a stunt man didn't want to be a stunt woman want to be a stuntman I suppose it could have been a stunt person I don't know what the correct term is

for that particular job now is I don't know what the title would be nor do I really care that much but I used to want to be that because of the not the lost guy was it fall guy the fall guy with the Bionic Man cuz I'm the unknown stuntman that makes Eastwood look so fine I love that and I think so I wanted to be a stuntman wasn't that bothered about the bounty hunting it seemed like a lot of work but a stuntman bit then I think maybe maybe is this possible that I fantasized

about as the being a stuntman because he was always surrounded by ladies in bikinis and I was probably about 10 years old when the fall guy started let me check so I was definitely interested in bikinis at that time I don't know if I was was I really I'm the unknown stuntman 1981 Wow so no I was 10 yeah as I said I was 10 for five seasons so really through my pubic through my turning from a child into a teenager even though a teenager is still a child apart from those that aren't and then

it's weird isn't it you can be a teenager you can be a child but you can also be an adult with a car and be married and have a mortgage I don't know if you can have a mortgage in 19 I don't know so it spreads over quite a few years don't it teenager 1929 39 49 31 years since I was a teenager blimey I wonder if anyone does actually listen to this I wonder if I'm just so delusional I'm living in my own little world I'm making these recordings and I think I'm sending them

somewhere but I'm not I'm not actually maybe it's maybe it's not even recording I just maybe there's no microphone I'm just imagining it and I'm pretending I'm like oh yeah that's a little bit of Star Trek involved I think a little bit of the you know the captain's log captain's log stardate second of February 2021 got the coronavirus results and it was negative Spock I'm pretty sure Spock has been stealing my cheese out of the fridge again I don't mind I just wish he wouldn't do it when I was asleep it's a how does he

get in is he a cat burglar luckily I keep a nice bit of cheese in my wallet so I could always got something to eat I felt as some now where's my wallet gone that's Spock he's a pickpocket I was watching this watching me I don't know why I'm fascinated by this but we watch these YouTube channels that go to Thailand and the Philippines and some of them are just really interesting and I just kind of fantasizing about maybe traveling there and just imagine being somewhere that is affordable to live so to have a sort

of on the money I've got now I could have a okay not it's not enough but you know a little bit more I can have almost a fairly okay lifestyle go to the beach and it might be a bit boring actually but I don't know mind I'm sure going to the beach is no more boring than sitting here watching television not that that's all I do because I'm a very busy girl don't you know very busy very often doing things yes I make a very I make the most of my time I'm very very productive

I think the word is and then is this man and I think he's Japanese he says he's Japanese and he walks around different places with a camera filming people working on stalls of the markets and people selling food and stuff and he does a commentary and he interprets what they're saying it's very funny so whenever he sees a woman he says oh I could tell the way she looked at me that she fell in love with me straight away and then you know I just stood here and and her mum started talking to her you

could see her mum was talking to her and her mum was telling her to come and talk to me because it's a one-off opportunity in her life to be happy for the first time and it just it just goes on and on about how all these women are attracted to him and are in love with him and to start with it sounds like a really quite a scary delusion you know imagine if someone really really believed those kinds of thoughts but he's once you listen he's like this is funny really funny he's he's I forget

he's nomad or something and he's just he basically I don't know it's hard to explain but he's very funny and he's you know it's supposed to be so I don't know if he's drunk or what when he's doing it but he does these and I get he does the the overdubbing of him talking about what's going on after that he's filmed it so he's just sitting there and he's talking and you don't really hear much about that but then you know you hear his voice over over it narrating so all the women are for is

that the women on the fish store is pretending to ignore me even though she's in love with me that kind of thing and the other woman the woman and the crab store she's her husband is there but he's very immature and she wants to be a real man honestly I can't even I can't do it justice it's a very funny and the way he presents it is like it's gonna be like some of the others because some of the channels they just focus on women and the the more entertaining side of Patia is it Patia

Pattaya various different places to go to I'm interested in I'm interested in all of it really a bit interested in the lifestyle and interested in some of the expats that have gone out there and it's interesting because I find because a lot of them are saying don't go I watch one because you know you get someone to say go you can live in Thailand for you know $200 a month like you know it just makes it sounds like wow but then you're some of these older well so the more elderly men they're coming on and

saying listen here's the truth if you want to retire to Thailand or the Philippines whichever I don't you know you're gonna need insurance you're gonna need cover you're gonna need money in the bank for an emergency you're gonna you know it's not cheap the way it's less expensive than living in America or living in the UK or Australia or something like that or New Zealand somewhere where well you could say Monaco that's pretty expensive isn't it Dubai so I think it's we technically can be a lot cheaper than the Western lifestyle but a lot of

that is because of the lifestyle isn't it and you know if you take away what's expensive things I suppose clothes going out restaurants nightclubs all the things I haven't done for so long I mean I went to a pub for a meal in a pub the year before last now that's not a restaurant is that's not it's a dining experience you may say but it was in a pub so last time I went to a wedding that doesn't really count as if this family there it wasn't a rest it was a restaurant it was a

wedding so it wasn't it's like not like going out to have a meal it was a wedding it's a different different thing different when's the last time I went to a restaurant probably 2000 and yep Wow that is sad that's really sad unless you class going into the wimpy it's not really you know it's a restaurant technically McDonald's is a restaurant technically technically we all know it's not really yeah Wow I can't I must have gone into I mean is there's a garden center that has a restaurant it's not a restaurant it's not really if

there's hundreds you know if there's lots and lots of people all being really loud and it's just eating egg and chips to me that's not a restaurant a restaurant is a nice quiet intimate kind of place maybe I'm wrong maybe 2011 okay we break it down last time I went to a restaurant in a romantic manner 2011 yeah pretty sure 2011 so yeah 10 years no I just remembered no I went to a restaurant in 2015 that's getting closer wait a minute no I went yesterday in fact I'm actually in a restaurant on a date

now blimey I keep forgetting things no 2015 was the last romantic date like out in a restaurant I had yeah yeah that is quite a while ago though isn't it still five years six years actually it's nice just over five years Andre was still a little baby he was still tiny technically still is but you know I'm talking tiny tiny he was the length of his tail is now that's the length he was his whole body including the tail he was so cute so naughty though the energy that he had the energy completely I mean

he just destroyed everything that he could get his hands on it's amazing because now I've got this a sit on this recliner chair I've got he can't get up it's too high for him to get up five years ago it had just zipped up there almost walking on air he was so quick I miss that a little bit it must be I don't know if all parents had that yes you're standing there watching your child and having given birth or you know getting married or something like that and they're thinking that you're you're looking for

your eyes that you're thinking oh this is just the most amazing thing ever which you know may well be but you might also be thinking she was a baby again she was a little kid you were nice then didn't cost me 30 grand for a wedding I suppose kids are fun in a when they're little especially like presents you know like birthdays and various Christmas kind of festivals but now he's all grown up I mean honestly I do I've got to pick him up sometimes and he's he looks at me you dare you dare come

near me who do you think you are okay I mean I can't believe I wouldn't have thought it yeah that I'd be spending my early 50s getting the silent treatment from a ferret the only reason he doesn't slam doors is because he can't stamping up down the stairs you were never you've changed really you promised me all these things you've given me nothing you've kept no promises nothing's gone the way I thought it would well you shouldn't think about things going oh well then whoo-hoo so yeah it's okay sorry I'll shut up right hello to

Andrea Boston chicky cases hi Jason we just wanted to check that you're okay I've not heard every one of the recent podcasts but the last one I with a cough and considering getting a test I just thought I'd firstly ask if you're okay and secondly just mention quickly that you can get a home test delivered to your door you do the test and then pop it into a postbox that is marked with an NHS sticker maybe you could get your friend with the dog to take it for you so you don't have to go to

the test center these tests are designed for people who can't get out of their drive except you just go to the and book a test free free test you probably already know but you just ignore me if you better I have a disorder send lots of love to you and Andre okay so that was so then hi K thank you for you poor your kind words and concern did a test on Saturday and now awaiting results I'm coughing less which is cool hope you well oh that's a shame says K I was hoping your cough

would last longer you smell of poo and so does everyone else that knows you she didn't say this had to tell them he lived in England 15 times I know how you feel about thank you K that I apparent I kind of wish I'd recorded the phone call and then put it on here because you wouldn't you wouldn't believe it unless you heard it the whole just it was ridiculous I got another message from someone oh so you're not dead then that's positive that's the message I got from I sent a picture of me holding

Andre oh you're not dead that yeah groovy no thanks I got one from Rachel saying saying did you think you had Covid and I replied that's why I did the test why else would I do the test now I didn't think I did if you had it yeah that's that's why you don't see your only reason to do the test is I imagine unless you're in health care or you know there'd be no reason for me to take the test unless I thought I had it I mean personally I think everybody everyone should take it

every week they should have a thing where you know like the the pregnancy test things how cool would that be if you could just stick one of the things like the normal like with the Covid test you stick the thing up your bum and then you put it into the tube and then you get a thing straight away so instead of them to send it off like I did you you just get a cross or a tick or you know it's just as if personally I don't know what I have to like have lines and

stuff just say positive or negative just say you're pregnant or you're not pregnant I mean be clear none of this one line two line oh I can't remember is it one lines or two lines you know that's too complicated so just I don't think that'd be good if everybody took a test once a week and and you had to report it you know so if it came in positive or negative you know whatever you had to send the results in straight away or the the little capsule starts to vibrate starts making the whole building shake

and you know it's only when you've like gone online or made a phone call or got to the app and just said yeah it's the results this scanned it and it's done and then it stopped shaking that might be a bit over overkill I mean it might it might be quite difficult thing to to be able to make possibly I don't know but so Rach says glad I'm okay yet cheers thank you all stay safe you too Rachel and yeah this is a weird I just for me it was weird because I just thought well

how I might as well just do it I did it because I wanted to make sure that I was being safe and keeping away from people which I do anyway but I've got a friend who has quite a serious underlying condition health condition and I wouldn't want to be going and visiting that friend if I was I had the condition even though I see the person there they're in my bubble so so I'm saying I'd have to remove myself from that bubble so I put a thing on Facebook got cover out of virus results I

am Ellen Patrick all comments okay so see what comments have got all comments Ellen says great thank you no says I said I said you were I said you were to go to the STD clinic like I said I said don't worry that's Friday Heidi says that's great and when the coffee is over you can make your usual life-changing and interesting podcast again thank you Heidi already started yesterday I've already made I made three recordings five six did a few recordings yesterday or did you know I did services pew pew great news you need to

invest in some fishermen's friends yeah I just I mean call it a fisherman's friend but if you ever had a fisherman's friend in your mouth it's almost peppery pepper sort of flavor I would be interested in what singers special techniques are and maybe start to use those techniques vocally so that my voice was more I want to have more I want more I suppose lubrication like lubricating my voice it sounds a bit gross but you know I'm sure this weighs Susie says well done bro stay safe thank you thank you cousin Molly says great news

there I've been wondering get well soon good day I think Ramona says awesome Emma says fab news oh she looks a bit embarrassed there I think she might be in love with me I just I go for those little you know little icon things I don't record little faces Cindy says now keep it that way very aggressive thank you Cindy Rachel says great news thank you Rachel Ben says happy days thanks Ben juicy says finger thumb up one two four thumbs up thank you Leslie says good job Jason nice to hear good thank you Leslie

yes it's nice suppose I got a message I can't read it let's see if I can read it on there fastbook message message on a let me boy to sleep patch inbox new message oh it's not another William oh this is on yes the face of William says wonderful thank you Darby Darby this is a 26 of January I don't remember this thank you Darby if you have an active mind at night this podcast is funny yet in a way to where you can and will fall asleep if you don't fall asleep with the first

one you listen to for the night the second one will have you asleep before you know it thank you that's very kind of you I've got any other messages inbox one message or I have got a message I've got a message from Zoe hi Zoe and this is says oh this is only a couple of hours ago this was sent it says or she says hi Jason I'll be listening to your podcast now for over a year and they have really helped me relax and sleep at night I love to let me bore you to

sleep podcasts the best really glad to have found your service you really make a difference thank you Zoe I do appreciate that no I do generally thank you why am I saying I do generally what course I do generally why would I not you saying so nice to me everyone likes people to say nice things to them and so yeah that's very very it's very friendly of you it's very nice of you I do appreciate it and thank you very much thank you very much see ya so if you've got or by the war if

you would like to tell the world about your how you have benefited from these podcasts and recordings over the years or over the months or since yesterday then maybe you'd like to go to my website and leave a review there's a if you go into the menu in fact I tell you what I'm gonna do I found a start putting onto the main page to sort of try to entice entice people and you know what I'd quite like to do is get back to video so people can leave video reviews because I love the video

reviews I do oh I love that I don't know something I remember I mean I did had a this is you 2020 I think no 2019 December I might be an earlier but I asked for people to leave a video review and a few people did it where they didn't show themselves which is fine because you can still hear the voice and that was nice but a couple you know a few people did leave and they're still on there the reviews on there actually left a video review and it was like wow really made my

day it made it feel more real I don't know why I suppose seeing the person's facial expressions and it's just just this made it feel more real even though it's still real here and seeing the words and everything but it's almost seems like that magic of the video magical video I just quite like it so if you'd like to leave a review then please go to my website onto the review page and just write something in if you if you fancy it or you could copy and paste copy what you've already sent to me and

paste it in there anyway I'm gonna go because the battery is about to run out on my iPad which means the recording will come to an abrupt end so remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy and at the end of this month I will be getting a new improved much better quality microphone so that's what's gonna be happening at the end of this month well it would be the I'll be ordering it at the end of the month so I'll have it within a few days probably in March and then

the quality the sound quality will increase by a lot because it is specifically for podcasts for podcasting so have a brilliant day night whatever time you're listening to this and just do something nice for yourself I'll speak to you tomorrow thanks for listening lots of love bye