#578 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes and please don't listen when you're driving. But of course I have no control over when people listen.

So yeah, I'm drinking wine. Red, red wine. Yes, me who does not drink alcohol.

I'm just practicing for my next date. Have you got any sisters in? Have you got any sisters? Do they look like you? What's your brother's height? Do you want to go out sometime? No, that's not the way to talk to somebody. Actually, I remember in 2000.

No, 2000. 1989. 1989.

Yes, I was 18. I dated this girl and she had a big family and I got on well with her brothers and stuff and one of her brothers was absolutely very hyperactive and I remember we was, I don't know why, I think we walked past a bus stop and stopped, sat down next to this lady and says, hello can I please have your telephone number so I can phone you? That was it, that was his chat up line and she said no and he said oh never mind, love you and walked away. I thought okay, what was that about?

I don't think I've ever, have I got any chat up lines? I asked a girl out when I was at school and I knocked on her door because I knew her and just randomly knock on people's doors and I said is Tanya in or whatever, I don't know, to her parents and she came to the door and I said right, she lives up the other end of the road and I said do you want to go out or what? and she said what and I said do you want to go out or what? She said what?

I said okay, do you, would you like to go out on a date?

and in the end she just, she got fed up trying to turn me down and she said yes, and she had an amazing sister which is a weird thing to say but I did a Chevy Chase joke with her, with her sister and so I used to go, she was a friend and her sister was a lot older probably, she used to have a lot of boys fighting over her for some reason but she was nice, I liked her but she was probably two or three years older than me and I knocked on the door

so I said come in, so I came in, this was another day and I said hello thinking you know it was going to be Sabrina or whoever her name was, my friend so even though we didn't really date for long we still were friends you know just I thought we just got bored with each other, just what's the point, we're not old enough to have sex what's the point you know, we're going to do talk so you know we just ended up being friends and that was it, anyway her sister came down, came down the

stairs with, she'd basically just been in the bath and she had a towel wrapped around her and I said to her, oh could you do me a favour, can I borrow your towel for a minute, I was so pleased, it's a Chevy Chase joke, it was on one of his, the one where he played Private Eye, I was so pleased with myself and I know it wasn't my joke but still I was pleased that I found a scenario and never yet I had another scenario like it where I could actually say to a woman who

happened to be completely naked other than the towel, can I borrow your towel, it's the first time and only time it's ever happened so I was ever so pleased, when I say naked she might have had, I don't know she, I don't want to focus on things like that, it's a personal business and I'm not like that, I've got nothing, I don't think about things like that, bodies and naked, no of course not, especially not then, I was probably 14 years old then, I had no interest, 14, no 14 year old boys interested in women,

oh wait a minute, so yeah she was lovely but I was so pleased with myself with that joke and it was a perfect joke, perfectly timed, she said no, so I'm not sure she thought it was a joke or not, so imagine I left and she, her sister came back and she says that weird man, that weird boy throughout the road, he knocked, he gave you, he called round, did he say what he wanted, yeah he wanted to borrow a towel, he came out to borrow a towel but the only one I had was the

one that was wrapped around my boobies and I said no you can't have the towel, I wonder why, why doesn't his parents have towels, yeah it's like maybe her sister had to explain to her that it was a joke, that we do possess towels in my home, maybe not, don't know, but I did, we did, we did, yeah, here and she had a bathroom, imagine that, it's actually quite disgusting really when I think about it, because there's what one, two, three brothers plus me, plus two others, so that's six people use the same toilets and

the same bathroom, disgusting, not at the same time, and but yeah I'm talking you know one after another, but still I'm sure that we used to share the same bath water when I was kids, like a little guarantee, I don't know what I did in the water, so I wonder if my brothers did, they did the same thing and I was the youngest, I was in the, I had the bath water last, I'm talking when we were young, not, not when we were teenagers, but once we were kind of, when I was like seven or

whatever, maybe, I don't know, in fact I probably had a bath at the same time, I might, yeah, probably, probably not my oldest brother, because he was, he was in his 30s, but no he wasn't, and well he was at one point, bath time, I remember having a, pretending I'm brushing my teeth, just put the, you know, the toilet, the toilet, put the toothbrush underneath the water, cold water, and then just put it back in a rack, the tooth rack, pretending to clean, who was I trying to, it's like okay, I wasn't winning anything doing

that, you know, because it used to be annoying, like get all covered up in bed and Jason you haven't cleaned your teeth, so I'll clean my teeth when you clean the bath, it's something I didn't say, but the bath was always clean, I'm sure, must have been a lot of work to keep the place tidy with that many people, why would you have that many kids, seems a bit silly doesn't it, I understand it in the, I think it's referred to as the developing world isn't it, where, you know, they don't have the vaccines perhaps,

and they need to be looked after, they don't have the NHS, don't have pensions necessarily, don't have any kind of support when they're older, so they need to be had, need the children to look after them in their older age, so they need to have as many kids as possible, but not here, not in England, don't need to have lots and lots of kids here, but we need to catch up with the people that are doing that, I'm glad I didn't have any, I don't know, I don't know if, I see people with kids like

they've got maybe a few kids, I've never seen one look happy, I live near a school and I see the parents dropping the kids off, and the facial expressions on them is just almost very, I guess very tired, exhausted even, I guess when they drop the kids off at school they're just relieved, but then they might be going off to work, which is a good chance that's happening, so man, when I think about it, if I was, if I'd have had kids at 20, let's say I'd have had kids with my first like proper girlfriend

when I was 20, they'd be, they'd be 20 now, but if I had one and then so there'd be 20, if I had some others, some maybe late teens, early teens or something, so I still wouldn't be three of them, if those teenagers, three of them, isn't it weird, I remember my dad always used to say, you're out of here when you're 16, I used to, I mean I was happy, I didn't want to be there when I was, I didn't want to be there now, I said to him, I don't want to be here

now, but 16, I thought on one level brilliant, I've only got another three years left of this sentence, but on another level I used to think, well what the hell did you have kids for then, is that what you thought when you, when you were handed me by the doctor or maybe by my mum, you know, when I was a tiny little baby, when I very first was born, did you, did you have handed me, have me in your arms, my big massive eyes looking up at you, like a little alien, like all babies look,

like ET, like big eyes, and you look down and thought, I only have another 16 years left and you can get rid of it, you can move out, is that what you thought, really, weird, I don't know, some people, I've heard some people say about kids is, it's like a 90% turmoil, but that 10% of pleasure outweighs the 90% of pain and problems, I mean to me that sounds like bipolar, that sounds like a, you know, 90% depression, but that 10% of mania, oh it's all worth it, no it's not, mind you there's, there's chemicals

isn't it, that babies, the way babies look at us, produces chemicals in us, that weaken us to them, that mean that we, that we look after them, of course that's not going to happen for everyone, clearly, but for the majority of people, there's a chemical release that we get when we see a baby, that even if it's, I think it happens, I think even if it's not your baby, when you see a baby, there's a protectiveness kicks in, almost like that baby's your own family, and most people pretty much would do anything to protect a

small baby, even if it isn't their own child, so there's something there, I think they're born with some kind of a hypnotic ability to hypnotize people, with those big massive scary alien eyes of theirs, it's honestly like Ewoks or something, I don't know, what's the thing, what's those, is it sloths that have the big eyes, some dogs have massive eyes don't they, frogs, I'm not saying that, you know, if your baby looks like a frog, a wasp, wasps have big eyes, so maybe you just can't see them because they're quite little, which is not a

good example, they're big but you can't see them because they're little, huh, that don't make sense, let's just go back to talking about towels can we, no I don't want to talk about towels, you did earlier, no I didn't earlier, I was just talking about towels, I was talking about a story, the whole point of the story is I was pleased with myself because I told a Chevy Chase joke that I'd seen in one of his movies, Fletch, that's it, the Fletch movie, can I borrow that towel for a minute, brilliant, but it was just

sexist because it had to do with a woman, you know what, I think I probably would have said the same joke if a man had been, no, probably not actually, no, but I don't know, so I like inappropriate things, I like inappropriate jokes, I remember when I was in Ireland, right, I was staying at Andre's house with his parents and him and I had my own room, he had his room, I don't know if it was his childhood room, I think it probably was, his parents lived there and I was there for about five weeks

or something, very cold, very cold, and you could hear, it was quiet as well, you could hear a cricket fart, it was that quiet, it was like, that's a cricket farting, oh, this was rubbish, I wish I hadn't said that, anyway, I remember we were going in, his mum was going into town and it was a car journey, you know, the walk to town was about four hours, I did it quite often because anything was better than just staying indoors, it was, you know what I mean, I wasn't going to see anybody or meet anyone

or I wanted to, I was hoping to sort of build a life there, so, you know, I managed to, I got myself a girlfriend and everything in the library, I rented her out from the library and she ended up being a, what was it called, a practicing, I don't know if it was devil worshipper but she was definitely into witchcraft but she was definitely into meeting and getting naked in fields and stuff and wanting me to go along and I just, I said yeah but I didn't because I thought that she was going to sacrifice

me, so I didn't want to get, you know, especially, let's sacrifice the Englishman, no one's going to know where he is or no one's going to miss him and they'd probably be right, no one's going to come looking for me, I was an adult, 25, 24, yeah 24, yeah I only just turned 24, so I didn't go but she was my girlfriend for a little bit and I kind of fell in love a little bit with Andre's cousin, oh man, absolutely, I'll say a little bit, I really, really, really, to the point where I didn't

give two hoots whether or not Andre would be bothered by it, me dating his cousin, did not care because I liked her but I can't remember her name now, I used to know her name, obviously I used to know her name but what was her name?

It was Dooley, her surname was Dooley because it was a dad's brother's daughter and her brother was called Jason, Jason Dooley and he was a mountain, he was, when I met him probably about 19 years old, a mountain, he took up the whole door, if you know what I mean, if he stood in the door he took up the whole thing, huge, just naturally big fella and what it was though because the Dooley's, they were tough, in that town they were the tough family, all of, like my, Andre's dad and all of his brothers were

known as being the hard men of the town, so there was, I think there was a lot of, a need to be like their parents, so you know to be tough, Andre I think went down that road a bit as well, he wanted to prove himself, which a lot of teenagers and your early 20s and stuff want to do, but I used to say to him, there's nothing to prove, you ain't got to prove anything to anyone, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter if your parents accept you or not, makes no difference really and why

would you want to be like them, to be yourself, be like who you are, you don't have to try and be like, you know, we're never going to be the same as our parents, some people do try to be, they even like talk the same, have the same mannerisms, which is kind of natural if you spend all your time with someone and if you don't actually have any sense of self-awareness, because then you can be yourself, be your own person, I guess, possibly, but yeah Andre went down, I was actually, this is totally true, we

were out and in the, because it's basically everyone's really nice to each other during the day, saying so, so, so what, what, but it was just their way of saying hello, hello, how are you, but or for me would be, all right, all right, that's it and the other person would say, all right, you don't want them to tell you if they're all right or not, you're not really asking them how they are, you just, it's a greeting, it's a hello and a goodbye all at the same time, it's, we're passing through, now if it's

someone you stop, you know, if you stop to chat to someone, say all right, all right, yeah, and then you chat, it's different, but it's just someone that's walking, you know, complete strangers used to say to me, so, I was like, you've got a bit paranoid, like so, what, what do they know, what they are about, what they heard, anyway, everyone's really friendly in that town and then they go out in the evening, maybe the weekend, Friday night, Saturday night and drink, it's almost like the, the niceness just melts away and the pubs close and

this, I was really surprised to see the, the level of, the amount of fighting that went on in the streets, I mean, I lived in London, and this is the first time ever that I'd seen this, basically, Andre's cousin Jason started a fight with someone, well, he didn't start, he started, he was getting into someone's face, you know, like talking to him and then suddenly, someone out of the blue kicks Jason, there's like this flying kick into Jason's face and then everyone starts fighting, it's like, almost like it was, you know, a street mob, you

know, that way people start dancing and stuff or singing and, you know, people all in a restaurant and suddenly they start singing and stuff, it was like that, like some kind of choreographed punch up and everyone was going, it's basically just, it's probably seen a lot bigger than what it was, but there was a good, I'd say 100 people, because it was the nightclubs all kicked out, everything, so it was all the pubs, let's say, and there was a lot of pubs, so there's more pubs than charity shops, you know, you've got like in England

nowadays, it's just charity shops everywhere, these are just like pubs everywhere, but in one bit, you have to travel about, you know, seven miles to get there, but once you got there, there was loads of places, it was lovely, a nice place and I was just standing there with all these people fighting, lots of shouting and stuff, and no one seemed to be getting hurt, which was weird, because they were just punching, there was no, you know, it's not like today, it was very, it was just all like, I don't know, fair, which is weird

concept really, a fair fight, and I was just standing there looking around and not one person touched me, I think someone banged into me and said sorry, sorry soul, I just went back on to carry on fighting, nobody came near me, no one started on me, nothing, and I didn't understand why, because it looked to me like everyone was just fighting for the hell of it, Andre, after the event said it's because they don't know you, I said what do you mean, you've got to know someone, you've got to be friends with someone to have

a fight with them, you don't understand the concept of friendship then do you, he says no, no, it's not that, he didn't talk like that, he's a very fast talker when he went when he was in Ireland, he slowed down, I think he went to about a quarter of the speed of his normal speaking when he was in London, and he probably went another 20% slower with me, I was good to his eyes, like that, and come on Jason, will you hurry up now, what are you doing, it's about time you change your attitude, pass

me the salami, I don't know, whatever things he used to say, and he, I actually, during that fight, Andre was a silly billy, like the guardie turned up, or the guarder, the guardie, which is the police, turned up, and again unlike in, and it might be different now, but unlike in England, where you get a lot of, quite a few little police people, you know, five, five foot two, five foot five, five foot eight, five, you know, people my size and shorter, over there, they were just monsters, they were literally, there wasn't any, anything less

than about six four, it's ridiculous, they were just huge, and when they told people what to do, they did it, I was very surprised that they didn't need that many of them to be there, a couple of vans full, so there's probably, I don't know, ten police, and I was watching this, this guardie, one of them get out of the car, there's a police, the police car pulled up, or the guardie car, and I'm looking at him thinking he's huge, like wow, this is just really surreal, the whole thing, the next thing I is a

body gets pushed against the side of the car, and Andre's on the other end of the person, he's fighting, Andre's pushing this person against the police car, and the guardie, he just picks them, pretty much picks them both up, you know, like with finger reach, he wasn't fingering them, but you know, he was, he was just like, just, you know, he separated them really easily, and I looked up, oh okay, he just walked away, it's just almost as if they could turn off, on and off the aggression, which to me, that's not aggression, that's not

real aggression, you know, it's good to be able to control aggression, of course, we don't do silly things, but not to that extent of, it's, yeah, it's not real, it's, it's always fake, you know, it's not real, unless it's just fake, fake being nice, I don't know, very strange, in the end I walked away, because I was just disgusted with the whole thing, and Nicola, Nicola, that's her name, I walked away from that, I was drunk as well, and I just walked, I don't know if I was staying at his sister's house, because we used

to stay there at weekends, because it was closer to town, and her husband was really cool, I got on with everyone really, but I just was wandering around really, and I saw someone coming towards me, and I thought, but this person looked aggressive, you know, I thought, oh great, all those people, no one wanted, now I'm here on my own, and so I was going to start on me, and as the person got close, I realised it was Andre, he'd been looking for me, I just said this is, it just, it was too weird for

me, it was just, I'd never, I'd never been involved in anything of that level before, and I said, it's just, just ridiculous, he said, so I didn't know, and everyone understood what anything that Andre ever said, but we'd gone okay, that's all I ever heard, no, he's, it wasn't, yeah, it's just, for me, we're foreigners, foreigners, for me, it's not necessarily the accent that I struggle with, it's the speed that the person talks at, and that doesn't matter if, whatever accent they have, even if they're English, and they're from, well, okay, they're from Newcastle, or

even if they're from here, if they speak, someone speaks very fast, I struggle to follow them, and sometimes they'll say something, I'll say what, and then my brain catches up with what they've said, and they go to repeat themselves, and I'll say, no, it's okay, it literally takes one brain a few seconds to catch up with somebody that talks very quickly, because generally, this may surprise you, I'm not the quickest talker, sometimes, oh yeah, this is funny, I was, his mum, we were all at the house where I was staying, and he lived, you know,

Andre, he didn't want to be there for long, he wanted to get his own place, which we were looking to get a place together, and well, I wasn't really looking to, I was, I wasn't in a hurry, if I'm honest, I hadn't made my mind up what I wanted to do, and part of me wanted to stay in Ireland forever, and I could have done, at that time, European country, my family, well, my nan's side of the family, Irish, my nan was Irish, both her parents were Irish, so I've got Irish in me, but I

don't know, just, I mean, if I'd stayed there, this was 2004, 2014, no, it wasn't 2004, 94, 2004, 2014, so 20, 26 years before Brexit, so having been there for 26 years, I doubt they would have kicked me out, you never know, they might have done, but I don't know if I'd still be here, if I'd stayed there, just for the simple fact that I might have got caught up in the drinking, and some of the other stuff that went on, and I might have, I might have got out of control, it's possible, it's very

possible, because it's only a matter of time, really, that if we were going out, Andre would have, I would have been drawn into something, because I would never have stood there and allowed Andre to get hurt, you know, so I would have had to have stood, stepped in to help him at some point, because if he had, like, more than one person on him, or whatever, which would have just, and then they've got such long memories, everyone, it's like, I'm sure it's almost like Cinderella, how they're fighting, and then it gets to a certain time,

everyone stops and rushes home, and you might have been in the middle of a punch-up with someone, you stop, because the guardie get there, that's pretty much Cinderella time, everyone go home, take your glass slippers with you, and then you see the person in the street the next day, maybe at church, maybe even in pubs, maybe at work, maybe different places, so, so you say hello to them, until next Saturday night, where you can carry on what you, what you were in the middle of, but it won't start until everyone's been in the pub and

got drunk, and then again, it might not be like that now, it just happened to, it's, that's how it seemed to be there, it was a little town, beautiful town, seriously, a beautiful place, part of the reason I left is because I fell in love with Nicola, and I saw her kissing someone, I was playing it really, really slow, I used to see her every weekend, and I buy her drinks, and I chat to her, and you know, I really liked her, and I had an opportunity to talk to her, because I was her cousin's

best friend, like Andre's best friend, so she, I didn't know anyone, did I really, so she made the effort with me, and really, really, really liked her, really, in quite a big, big way, and yeah, I saw her kissing someone, like it might have been her boyfriend, I didn't, I don't know, she might have had a boyfriend, or she might have just been out having fun, she's young, she was probably about 18, 19, 20, I don't know, might have been 21, 22, I don't know, and when that happened, I wanted to leave, I didn't want

to be in the, it's quite weird, I feel it's to save everyone, I imagine everybody would quite like to be able to do that, in the, in the moment, it's not, not the best decision in the world, but you know, if you get, someone gets rejected, or dumped, or see someone that they really like, kissing someone else, you know, to be able to just pack your bags, and leave the country, the next day, is something that most people would probably, probably quite like to be able to do, I just happened to be in a position

where I could do that, because I had somewhere else to go to, which is back to my own country, but it was a little bit, a little bit, well, it was a big reaction, an overreaction, because I was coming back to nothing, you know, 94, coming back, I wasn't 94, that was the year, coming back to London, staying at my, where I was living before, just came back, I asked him if I could come, move back in, he said yeah, let's rent in it, and I, I just, yeah, I kind of quite like to, kind

of felt I'd like to stay there for a bit longer, because Andre, he found a place for us to live, but I kept saying to him, I found a few places, I said look, you need to find somewhere with more than one bedroom, you know, you can't, I know we can share a room, but ultimately, why would you want to share a room?

I can share a room, it's like two beds, I was close enough to him to be able to not feel uncomfortable, to do that, and to be fair, I used to share rooms, we were brothers when I was younger, and I even lived in a dormitory when I was in the children's home, so I'd be in a room with maybe 15 other kids, so that didn't really, that wasn't such a big issue, couldn't do it now, but we didn't have a lot of success finding places, because just like anywhere, it wasn't cheap, wasn't cheap to

find, and because it's probably a little bit harder in a small town, because there's limited places, limited flats to rent, I suppose, anyway, I, oh yeah, the funny thing, okay, we were traveling into town one evening, his mum, and I think his nan, yeah, I think his nan was in the back with us as well, in the back, his mum was in the front, or no, his mum was driving, and basically, there was, I think maybe a friend and stuff coming, they were going to bingo, and Andre and me went along for the ride, so

we could go into town, and go to the pubs, and get drunk, and so the car was full, so, there was, you know, there's basically enough room for four seats, four people, it was a small car, two in the front, two in the back, maybe three in the back, but anyway, it was full, there was only enough room for either me or Andre, so I ended up with Andre sitting on my lap, it was only a short journey, it was, I think it was like four or five miles, so it was, you know, in a

car, it didn't take long, and it was all country roads, no damn, no streetlights, seriously, the road would be lit up by the moon, that was kind of, that was it, that's all you had, and as he sat on me, to start with, and I said, I don't know what it was, no, he was sitting next to me, and then his mum pulled up and picked someone else up, I think she was walking, so she picked a friend up, and a friend got in, and Andre sat on my lap to give, to make room for

a friend, that's what happened, and I said out loud, I said, Andre, have you put weight on, and then I started laughing hysterically, now, I don't think, not sure Dave found it that funny, but the reason I found it funny is, the only reason I would say that is if he regularly sits on my lap, and maybe he hasn't sat on my lap for a little while, but I just found it funny saying that in front of his mum, as if we regularly sit on each other's laps, which we didn't, but I don't know, I

found it hilarious at the time, now I say it now, it doesn't really sound funny, but I think it was one of those, you know, he needed to be there, perhaps it wasn't even funny then, oh, I did find it funny at the time, red wine, yuck, basically I'm running out of ways to stain my teeth, so I thought, red wine, that'll do it, it makes me cough a little bit though, so I'm just working, been working on my website, trying to, oh, that's weird, trying to, you know, just get stuff done, you know how

it is, you know how it is, don't mess about, you don't want me, very time consuming, not very exciting, and there's two, there's two levels, or two different things that I'm doing, I can only do one on my iPad and do the other one on the tablet, so I can't upload any audios on the iPad to the website, for some reason the software doesn't work for that, but it does on the tablet, can't get my head around it, but that's just the way it is, so I go with what is, so I've been doing a

lot of, a lot on both, different aspects of it, and I'm probably about, wow, I've probably spent about 50 hours, if not more so far, just, you know, in the last week or so, doing this, so, you know, still quite a bit left, but one thing I'm trying to do, I really need some help with this, because I've, I'm looking, and I'm searching, and I'm testing, and I need to find a way to compress, or to reduce the size of my mp3 recordings, down to below 20 megabytes each, without losing the quality, and the reason

for this is, because I am going to be, I'm going to go online, and I've started an Etsy, it's an Etsy account, where I'm going to be offering my mp3s for sale, for download, for a pound each, and so I've got an Etsy store that started, everything was going good, and then I tried to upload one of my recordings, and no, nothing above 20 megabytes, I thought, oh, come on man, really?

The thing is, if I sell with the recordings, the way they work it out, I'm gonna, at 30 pence in the pound, will go to me, after the percentages, and the cost of having the Etsy store, so I suppose part of the reason I thought I'd have it on there, because they've got their own audience, they've got their own, Etsy's got its own, you know, huge audience, so maybe I can reach those people, and you know, go from there, see if they'll be interested.

I'm looking at maybe trying to do something on eBay as well, and I'm still in the process of building the shop on my website, which will be shared with Facebook, and you know, there's lots, so much to do. I'd like to write my first book this year, I would, definitely, like to do that. Also, my plan is to, and this is going to cost a fair bit of money, is make my, start producing some recordings specifically for Spotify, and iTunes.

I want to say specifically recordings, so not up, I've already got my podcasts on there, but this will be in the album section, and songs, as opposed to podcasts. So, Andre, Andre's come to say hello, so I've just got to move this there. Hello, mate.

Oh, how you doing? You all right? You okay? Oh, my little baby boy. Oh, you know, my favourite thing in the world is cuddling him. Isn't that weird? My favourite thing in the whole wide world is giving him a big kiss and cuddle.

Nothing I enjoy more than this, and making these recordings, so to do both at the same time. Yeah, that did the trick. Hello, beautiful.

Love you. I love you. I love you.

I think he wants, he's come over to me because he wants some food. That's what you come over to me for, isn't it? Have some dry food. He has two packets of cat food a day now, plus he's got his dry food that he does eat also, but he, yeah, he's not, he's not put any weight on or anything, and he sleeps, he sleeps a lot.

Yeah, much more this time of the year than, you know, any other time. Don't you? Why are you so beautiful? Why are you so beautiful? Oh, you're so lovely. Oh, I do feel a little bit loved when he's cuddling me.

I mean, technically, I'm holding him hostage. I'm just grabbing him, and he can't get away, but, you know, I'm interpreting that as him cuddling me. Oh, yes.

You are giving me kisses. You are giving Daddy kisses, aren't you? Yes, you are. Maybe jump last night.

I was in bed, and suddenly there was movement in the bed, and I thought, ah, I didn't know what it was. Woke me up. It was him.

So I went to bed, and he was in bed already. I didn't realise. I didn't know.

He was so fast asleep, he didn't even notice I'd gone in there. And then he gets up, starts wiggling about. Bless you.

I've got to say bless you so the devil doesn't enter your soul when you sneeze. Yeah. What? That sounds like a stupid, stupidstition.

Andre, don't be rude. Don't be rude. Stupidstition, stupidstition.

Hey, who's got a tickly tummy then? Who's got a tickly tummy? I'm holding onto you. Okay, I'm going to let you go. Wait a sec.

Let me get up. I have to let him go sometimes, because I don't know. He might need the toilet, and it doesn't seem fair to just hold onto him if he needs a wee-wee or a poo-poo-poo.

Mostly he doesn't, but just in case. Oh, he wants his food. So what he's doing now is the dishes.

There's a tiny little bit of food in there, but he sniffed it, and now he's gone to the dry food. You'll hear it. You hear that? That's what he does.

He grabs a bit. He grabs a bit of it. He doesn't eat it from the bowl.

He takes one out of the bowl, puts it on the carpet, or, you know, he crunches into it, and sometimes he ends up pulling the carpet up with his teeth. So with the cat food, with gravy, he'll eat that out of the bowl. Sometimes he'll take a piece out and run off somewhere, or he'll take it to the corner of the room and eat a bit there.

You know, he does his own little ways of doing things, but with the dry food, he didn't... I think he might come up to me because he wanted me to read his mind and get him some more food, but when he went over just now and sniffed the bowl, he didn't look at me. Didn't look back as in to sort of say, go on then, get my food. Get my damn food now.

But he's had a little bit. Oh, he is looking at me now. Do you hear that? See what he did? He just pushed the bowl up with his nose.

So that was to make the... to push the stuff a bit further up so he could get to it. See, the dry food's really good for him. It's good for his... It's good for his teeth, cleans his teeth, but it's got a lot of vitamins and stuff in it and got that... it makes everything nice and work properly, you know.

So it is good for him. But he loves the cat food. He loves the gravy.

So to have the mixture of both... I could feed him raw food, raw chicken if I wanted. You know, I could pretty much feed him anything like that and he'd probably be really happy, actually. But I'm kind of a semi-vegetarian, in a way.

I don't eat much in the way of meat myself and I don't want to... You know, I could never... I could never own a snake. I could never have anything like that where I'd have to be like the things that they eat because you can't give them marmalade on toast. It's still not... he's a good boy though.

It's weird though because he hasn't looked at me. Hasn't given me... he hasn't given me a dirty look or anything. He seems fairly okay with his lot.

I know he's now looking at the bowl. There's a tiny little bit of food still in the bowl. The cat food.

Tiny little bit. He's eating it now. Now, if he wants me to get some more food, what he'll do, he might start banging the bowl, pushing it up in order to let me know that he wants some.

You'll hear it if he does it. Or he might just stare at me from there. Or, you know, push the bowl a bit.

Or he might come up to me and just stare at me. Sometimes he looks at the bowl, looks up at me, looks down at the bowl, looks up at me again. But he does that until I get his food.

He's cleaned it now. I wonder what he's going to do. He's pushing the bowl.

I wonder what he's going to do. He's going to have a drink now. He seems all right.

I think he's satisfied. I think he's had enough. He doesn't... I'll give him some food in a few hours' time.

It's not really time for breakfast yet. If he's hungry, he can have some, but he's not staring me out or anything. Not yet.

Mind you, he is eating stuff off the floor now. Just randomly... I don't know. He's looking for little bits of food on the floor.

But I know he stashes things. I don't know where because, you know, he has access to everywhere in a place that I don't have access to sometimes. And I remember in a past when I've given this a proper thorough cleaning, I found little stashes of food that he's hidden away.

Stuff that I don't even remember him having, like he'll steal sweets, steal bits of chocolate. I don't give him chocolate. I might sometimes give him a little bit to lick and a tiny little bit to sort of eat, but I never give him a chocolate bar.

And sometimes I found them, a whole chocolate bar still in a wrapper that he's stolen for later. He's come back now. I'm just going to go to the toilet a quick wee.

He's having a drink of water again. Now he's just hovering around. He's gone back to the bowl again, the empty bowl.

Now he's gone back to the dry food and he's eating it again. I feel I better give him some food so I better go. But I know he won't eat much.

He'll only eat probably a little bit and then I'll be it. And then I'll come back a few hours later and eat the rest. He seems quite happy.

He doesn't sound, he's not crunching angrily. He seems fairly chilled out. I think he's on a promise.

It's date night isn't it soon? So he'll be on a sofa with his girlfriend. So I guess he's just getting some energy inside him. All right, well that's it from me.

I'm going to go. Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself.

Do something nice for yourself today or tomorrow. Lots of love. And remember you deserve to be happy.

Bye.