#570 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Hello.

So I am doing a live Facebook stream at the same time as recording the podcast. So I'm recording the Let Me Bore You To Sleep podcast. Yeah, and video in a live stream onto Facebook at the same time.

So yeah, that's it. That's a boring introduction. I'll only listen or watch when you can safely close your eyes because this is supposed to be boring.

However, as we all know, I'm incredibly exciting as a person. Amazingly. So I mean, just just looking at me, looking at me.

You can feel the excitement, I'm sure. And I've just changed me top. That's the whole story.

Really? I don't know why I mentioned it. But I changed me top. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to interact with people that come online and say hello.

So the first person is Nadia. He says Happy New Year. And good night.

As I know, I will fall asleep soon. Nadia. I said Nadia.

I think it's Nadia, isn't it? Nadia. Are you saying I'm boring? Are you calling me boring? I was coughing. I've got a little bit of a cough at the moment.

And so I might cough a little bit. But you know, any big coughs, I'll edit out of the actual podcast. But in the video, you'll hear it.

There. It's okay to cough. Oh, man, I know this isn't really relevant or very festive.

But my friend, my neighbor downstairs, we we're in, we've been in the same bubble throughout the whole kind of coronavirus thing. So we go into each other's houses, even though you're not supposed to go into each other's places. But we're, we've been in each other's bubble for the whole time.

So we, we do go out and he comes in and stuff. So there. Sue me.

And we was up here watching a bit of telly, seeing the new year in which we do. We do it every year really. Because he's got no one and I've got no one like to see, because we can't go out.

He's more likely to go out if there's something to do, but I would stay here anyway. Anyway, we're watching it. He was sitting over the other side of the room.

Because even though he comes into the flat, I still keep my distance. But that's partly because I don't like being near humans anyway. So I'm lucky like that.

So the two meter distance, I should think should be about 20 meters. Generally. I don't sit next to people.

If I could possibly, I'm talking all year round throughout my entire life. Keep my distance. William says, Happy New Year, Jason.

Hi, William. Hello. I will try to say hello to everybody that comments whilst I'm on here.

So it'll be a little bit different from the normal. Let me bore you to sleep where I just talk and talk. My guess is to be boring.

I don't think I'm that boring. I don't know. Anyway, I I bent down to pick up my I said to my friend, I said, you've you've not seen there's something that you're not seeing.

And I wanted to show it to him. Like a TV show. It was the Orville.

He's not seen it. Christopher says, Happy New Year. Hi, Christopher.

Happy New Year to you. He'd never seen the Orville and he's a big fan of Family Guy and the bloke that does Family Guy. So I said, well, the Orville is a TV show that he produced and made and stars in and written.

And he said he hadn't seen it. So I thought, perhaps we'll watch an episode. See if it's on streaming.

So I get the I can't find this. It's not I can't find it. It's in your hand.

I mean, at the time, I couldn't find this, which is always to the side of me. Like his dog had been on here earlier. But I thought to myself, I wouldn't normally let his dog on there unless it was clear.

You know, just for the dog, you know, so the dog can relax and stuff. I wouldn't. So come on, come on, Rover.

Because all dogs are called Rover. Because I'm still in the 1970s. And he couldn't.

He couldn't get on, you know, so he got on it. And I thought, well, unless he's stuck up his bum, where is it? I can't find it. Now I realise it's stuck up mine.

No. And I thought, I know where it is. Boston, Boston, cheeky.

Happy New Year.Me and Boston, we go back, don't we? Don't we, Boston? We go way back. And before the internet, even, in fact, we go so far back, we used to communicate.

I used to communicate smoke signals. But she used to telex, she used to send telexes. Is it telexes? What are they called? Anyway, that was a that didn't really work that joke.

So let's pretend it didn't happen. Couldn't find the remote. Could not find the remote anywhere.

So in the end, I thought, I know where it is. But it wasn't wasn't on the table. Wasn't under the pizza box.

Wasn't on the other table. Wasn't on the other table. Wasn't in my shoe.

Wasn't in the fridge, microwave, you know, none of the normal places. So what I did is I thought, ah, because this seat I've got here, you can see I'm not reclining in it because I'll be too far away from there. So the microphone is only close enough to be heard.

And but not close enough to be understood. Smoke signal. I know Boston, I was trying to get a joke out of that.

So like we've been communicating so long. I was thinking about what's the earliest communication? I think it's smoke signals. And then I thought, yeah, but you might have been more advanced than us.

But then I'm just trying to think what would be something more better than that. And telex, what are they called? You know, we used to like send, it was before faxes, facsimile, before facsimiles. And I think they were telexes.

And offices used to use them and I could not. Morse code. Yeah.

Morse code. Morse code. I was thinking this is I'm going off on a random thing here.

Two things I was thinking about. Three things I've been thinking about. Four things, but I can only tell you about three things.

Seven things, but I can tell you about three things. Anyway, I'll try and remember the ones I was going to tell you about. Um, kissy.

Hello. Thank you. By the way, I'm so unorganized.

And I've got to send a couple of messages. So I want to say thank you to those of you that sent me a couple of PayPal gifts in the last couple of hours. And I was waiting.

I don't want to be rude while my friend was there and start like texting and stuff. So I haven't got around to it because I'll send a thank you message. So I'll say thank you now.

But I will. I'll actually do it at the end of this recording and send an actual personal thank you. And thank you to everyone, those that are listening after the event, on whether you're listening on Facebook, the video, or if you're listening on the podcast, which will be on the podcast.

The Let Me Boyd Asleep plus in other places. Thank you to everybody that supported me during 2020. Never noticed, I normally say 2020.

But yeah, everyone that supported me during that year, the last year, in whatever is so many different ways that I've been supported. Financially, kind words, even Thank you, Kizzy. Happy New Year 2021.

Happy New Year to you as well. I, who see Boston's I dash dash dash j j d. Juicy, Juicy. What did I say? Juicy.

Juicy. Oh, man. Juicy.

Sorry. You know what it is? The reason the reason. Kizzy and Juicy have both got similar names.

The only two people that I've ever not the only two people. I know, Juicy. I know.

I was talking to someone else, Juicy. Kizzy. But she's got a similar spelt name to you.

I got it wrong. I got it wrong. Like Juicy, I don't know if you remember, you sent me a message.

The first message you sent to me ages ago, telling me how to pronounce your name. And you told me about 15 times. I still keep getting it wrong.

To the point where I think you actually once thanked me for getting it right. I'm English. What can I say? I'm no good at stuff like that.

It's been inbred into my brain to any any name that isn't Alan or Tom or Steve or Julie. It's hard for me, you know. But there is someone called Kissy, but it's not spelled Kissy.

Does that make sense? So I get a little bit mixed up between the two names, not the two people, but the names. Because funny enough, I remember Juicy more by your surname than by your first name. For some reason, just the name rather.

But then I also remember things, conversations and bits and bobs. So yeah, exactly. Kissy, I mean, Juicy says it's like pronouncing your last name wrong.

The thing is, I pronounce my last name wrong. I'll open me, I'll open my hands up to it. Nobody in my family says Newland.

They don't. Not one of them. It's Newland.

My Nan. I think my nanny even used to say Newly. She liked being called Mrs Newland.

My Nan did. She's quite formal, which is quite weird. Her name was Eileen.

And so the priest would call her Eileen. Her friends would call her Eileen. But if somebody phoned up from, I don't know, the gaffs board or something, she'd like to be called Mrs Newland.

So they phoned up saying, is that Eileen? Is that Eileen? Mrs Newland. I think the reason is because once my granddad died, she, I think it was that. I think it was because it was his name.

And she, that was kind of all she, not all she had, but that was kind of, it became more important to her I think. I don't know. I'm just guessing.

Anyway, my idea is, Juicy says, it's like Newark. I always thought it was Newark, but I was wrong. Well, and Boston says, Juicy, Happy New Year.

So I'm reading out messages. They're talking to each other now. They're bored of me.

Don't need me now. There's, I don't know if you know this, but in England, it's a common joke about Americans when they visit London. And it's not cruel.

It's just making fun of their pronunciation, which I think should be pronounced. Pronounciation would make sense, wouldn't it? Not pronunciation, pronounce, because you're pronouncing it, but that's wrong of course. And Juicy says, Boston Cheeky, Happy New Year to you.

Anika says, Happy New Year, Maka. Hey, Anika, Happy New Year. Blimey, there's too many people.

There's too many people. I'm trying to keep track of it. Arrow says, Happy New Year.

Hello, Happy New Year. Boston says, No, no, we don't need you anymore. So stop sending so many messages.

I can't keep track. I'm trying to. Juicy, we'd like to bore you now, Jake.

I can't get bored. There's too many messages. I'm trying to keep track and I don't have anything to look at because I'm looking at a screen on the phone, which is what I'm pointing at.

And then I'm not saying don't send messages because it's good. That's a good thing. Just it's like such a tiny little area where you can see the messages, literally two lines.

So once one more message goes, it goes up again. That was boring, wasn't it? That was so I can't remember what I was saying. What was I saying? Did you know? Did you see that message? The comment I got? I forget the name.

I'm not showing off at all, but I do deal with lots of people. There's a lot of people sometimes send me messages. I don't always.

There might not always be like big, long messages, but sometimes just short messages or things. And that's I lose track of who says who sometimes. I'll be honest.

I'm 50. Come on. Give me a break.

I think I'm doing all right for 50. I'm going to get rid of this screen so that you can see me without the blaring light on my glasses. Boston, what comment? Oh, I can't believe it.

Boston, you are very cheeky. You're a cheeky little chicken. You are a cheeky little chicky.

So instead of me waffling on, going off on a tangent, Boston's actually pulling me back and pulling me back to to the particular subject matter. That I was spurting out and you. OK, I'm coming back to the comment.

You did the doctor evil face, but I'm Dr. E. You are young. I will be 52 this month, says GC. Yeah, compared to you, I am young, aren't I? You're right.

Thank you. Blimey, I feel like a little baby now. Little bald baby.

I'm. I 52. No, you're still 51.

GC, honestly, I was doing it all last year. Seriously, I was I was end of August 50. The whole of 2020.

Nearly 50, nearly 50, nearly 50. I wasn't embracing staying in my 40s. I think I should have done.

OK, I've got a message here from. Arrow, I'm going to run. I've got a really bad headache.

Thanks for neighbors. Oh, thanks. Neighbors.

Fireworks. Fireworks. Have a good night.

I'll just let you know if you go. I've got some podcasts. It might help you with your headache, but sometimes it's easier to take a headache tablet, to be fair.

But might be. Some of them really good because they're very relaxing, but we had fireworks here. Couldn't really hear him because they were very distanced.

But when me and my friend are watching telly at midnight, I turned off the TV program while it ended. But I said, no, I'm not putting anything else on. I want to see the New Year in with you so I can say Happy New Year.

You know, I mean, at the time, I want to be able to hear Big Ben. Boom, boom, all that stuff. Didn't hear that.

But nothing on TV. There's no fireworks, nothing advertised. I'm pointing to the TV, by the way.

And I couldn't figure it out. But then on the news, it was on the internet. No fireworks in London this year.

No fireworks at Big Ben and all that stuff they normally have because they want crowds, whatever reason, which is fair enough. I don't want crowds, but come on. After the year we've had, we needed some fireworks.

I think we deserve some fireworks. It's just a nice, it's a nice thing. I mean, it's not like the government don't waste enough money so they can waste another million or so on some fireworks, you know? I mean, perhaps what I was thinking, well, the government, why don't they just do a backhander? Why don't one of the ministers give the firework contract to one of their mates, one of their eating friends? Then we can get some fireworks.

I don't mind a little bit of dodgy dealing if it means we get a firework display. Well, my friends goes downstairs. No, my friend's still here.

That's it. He's still here. We're skipping through and suddenly there's a firework display on the TV.

And I'm thinking it's Australia because I'd seen earlier that Australia had had a firework display and there's a news bulletin going through the different countries that had them, but how we're not having them at Big Ben. And people were on the news saying, oh, it's a shame. And then they showed Wuhan.

I found this very funny, but also a little bit emotional. A few emotions came up. Wuhan in China had a firework display, huge crowds, huge crowds.

And this is something, I don't know, just feels, you know, just like, um, I don't know if I want to see that. I don't know. I just, I know other countries would get into big crowds as well, but here I'm in lockdown, literally.

Tier four is lockdown. Only supermarkets are open. Everything else is closed pretty much.

So we're not allowed to, we're allowed to go out. It's not as strict as, you have to stay home really, but it's not as strict as like you can't go out of the house, but you're not allowed to mingle and stuff. And then just see these big crowds.

It's, it gets a bit annoying a little bit. The weird thing is I don't want to be in those crowds. That's the ironic thing.

I've got no interest to be in a crowd because I know that I want to go to the toilet. Seriously. Even if I went to the toilet, I reckon even if I did a wee before, sorry, if I did a wee in a helicopter and they dropped me down from the helicopter into the middle of the crowd, as soon as that rope ladder went back, I'd want to do another wee.

And it's not because of my bladder. It's just, well, I guess it's, it concerns my bladder, but it's just, you know, like, oh great. Now I can't go to the toilet.

I want to. So only central shops are open. Yep.

You know what? They've got about essential shops. My friend needed to go and get some clothes and he was going to go into town tomorrow and he was saying, can you find it? Cause I went online to find out if there's any trains and what times they were and if they cost anything. Cause in London, the train service is free on New Year's day.

At least it used to be. But here, of course you should only do essential travel anyway. So, but he said, oh, I need to get some clothes.

So he's going to go into town. I said, there's no point. He said, what do you mean? And I said, he's a liar.

And I said, they're all closed. We're in lockdown. They're all closed.

Tier four. It's only supermarkets are open and takeaways. You can still get takeaways.

I'm pretty sure had that had that's a Jade as real says, hi, Jason. I tell you what, if you change your name any more often, honestly, I'm just going to start forgetting what your actual name is. Happy new year to you and David, uh, Boston.

So remember you've changed your name just to, to remind people what your actual name is. If people might, I don't know if that helped cause I can't see your picture cause it's so small on the screen, but, uh, oh, did you know, Boston, did you know, um, Sebastian still put messages on my Facebook page and on my messages, on my videos and stuff or my wife posts based. He still does.

I tried to unblock him, but I don't know how to, I tried to put a message back to him, but he's so rude. Uh, juicy says funny thing is that the liquor store is open. They considered that essential.

We off licenses aren't open, um, on their own as I'm pretty sure. No, they wouldn't be. But I say that the caveat is most off licenses are part of little supermarket shops, little shops, like groceries and convenience stores.

That's where most of the off licenses are in the UK. There are off license that are just off licenses, but pretty much new, a lot of news agents, uh, and you know, these little, little shops which are essential. They sell, you know, bread and butter.

I go World War II, lard and dripping, leg of lamb once a month. It's so they have alcohol, they have cakes, they have chocolate, all the stuff that to me is essential, but technically isn't. Happy new year to you as well.

Hello. Um, is David watching now? I always, I don't know what time it is at this time of night in America. You're five, is it six hours behind us? So it's one 39.

So it's about six in the evening, isn't it? On new year's day for you. But in Australia, they've had their new year's day and they'd be in bed now. So just as we're starting here, they've gone, they've had it and they're buh-byes.

Um, I had a message from, I want to say a big hello to Molly who won't be listening or watching this right now because she's, I mean, I'm just assuming she'll probably be in bed because she's in Australia. So hello to Molly and all my Australian listeners. Um, thank you for your support, uh, over the last year.

And I hope that, you know, 2021 is good for you. Um, of course that goes the same for most of America. I don't know about Boston chicky.

Then I assume, okay, Boston as well. I wish you all everyone in America, uh, and Canada, New Zealand, South Africa, UK. I forgot my own country, England, the UK, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Ireland, basically all of the English speaking countries, as well as loads of other countries.

So basically I think with the English speaking countries, kind of got America, Canada, UK, of course, uh, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Northern Ireland, kind of South Africa kind of, but then you got everyone else's people that have learned English, isn't it? We've all learned English, haven't we? I don't know why I just don't know. I don't know how many people I know people that listen that are from all over the world, uh, European countries where English is not their first language. And I do sometimes wonder what it would be like listening to me where, cause someone told me that this is someone that works at the garage.

She said to me that when she listens to me, she wants to punch me. No, she's she said when she listens to me, she has to, uh, interpret inside her own head what I'm saying. So first of all, she hears it.

She says it to herself, interprets it into her own language and interprets it back. Something like that. Um, I wasn't, to be fair, I wasn't taking much notice cause she had a low cut top on, but no, I'm joking.

She's, she was lovely. She's, she was pregnant actually. Not, not at that time, or she might've been pregnant.

I couldn't see inside her uterus. I don't know she was pregnant at that time, but she got pregnant and her husband worked there as well before. And he was lovely.

Um, he was so big. You've got no choice, but to call him lovely. Huge size.

It was nice. Very nice. Nice couple.

And she was really friendly. So I used to chat to her and she was from Poland, I think. And she moved back.

I think she moved back to have the baby or to get married or something. And then I never said goodbye to her because I didn't like her that much. No, I didn't say goodbye.

I never got to see, I didn't know she was going to leave so quickly. And so I never got to say goodbye. And I used to speak to her sometimes, have nice, wasn't long conversations, but sometimes stand there for 10 minutes and have a chat.

And if you do that a couple of times a week over months and months, you know, you sort of get to know the person a little bit. Got to know a little bit about her life, a little bit about, you know, what was going on and stuff. And she's not there anymore.

And, um, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to go by. So, um, yeah, the message, the comment, Boston, the comment I had was someone said, it was really weird because, you know, really weird.

You know, I did a video the other day, uh, Facebook with this. I did one of these, um, was it Christmas Eve or something? Was it, was it, was it Christmas Eve? I can't do it. I can't believe him.

Right. This is funny. It's very funny.

What he's just done. He was behind me with his girlfriend. Look who I've got.

Look who I've got with me. Oh, look who's come. Andre.

I know where your tongue has just been just now. So you can keep it to yourself for a bit. He, he had his girlfriend, right? He was with his girlfriend over there.

He came running over here. I didn't see really what he was doing. I just saw his tail and he was doing toilet.

His girlfriend was still in his mouth. So the slipper was still in his mouth. He had every intention of carrying on.

He basically took his girlfriend to the toilet with him. That's the equivalent, literally of being with your lover in the act of love. And instead of saying, I just threw the pop to the toilet, picking them up, carry on them with you, all the way into the bathroom and holding them in your arms while you go to the toilet.

That's what he just did. Now, maybe it's romantic. Maybe he wanted to try something new.

I don't know. I just think he's a pervert. You're a pervert.

Do you want to say hello to all your fans? Do you want to say hello to all your fans? Do you want to say hello? Hello? Hello? Has anyone left any messages? I don't know if I've had any messages or it's just people have stopped, but hello again. Oh yeah, the message I got on the comments saying that I look, after seeing, I don't look like how I sound. And it was, I don't know if the words were a shock to the system.

I don't feel it was that, but it was, I find that, see, cause I know what I look like. It's a shock to me sometimes. And you know, there was a reason in my last place I used to, who's that? Who's, hello.

Thank you. Whoever's sending the kisses. I can't see who it is.

Getting out of bed really quickly, getting out of bed, getting out of the bath really quickly. I used to have to be careful because, you know, so I didn't slip and also cause I had an injured shoulder. Now I get out of bath really quick, really slowly rather because there's a mirror opposite my bath and I don't want to shock myself because you think my face is bad.

You should see the rest of me. Seriously. Some people like to say, well, why do you go on camera? You look looking like that.

No one says that, but I, sometimes I say it to myself. How can I go on camera? You know, looking at the way I look. And then I think to myself, but my face is one of the best parts of me.

It gets worse. The further you go down, it gets worse. Honestly, it's, if you get down to my toes, if you take this socks off, my toes are like, honestly, like a little bag of maggots moving around.

That's when I say it gets worse. I try to make him laugh. I try to make my little baby laugh.

I love you, Andre. Yeah, I do. He said to me the other day, he said, daddy.

I said, yeah. He said, why are you only nice to me when there's a camera there, when I'm being filmed? Why, why are you only nice? I'm not only nice. He's honestly, he's very rude.

I'm always nice to you. The only time he really annoys me is when he scratches at the front door continuously. It's like middle of the night.

That's, that's among the only things that really annoy me. Like I really get angry at because I'm thinking of the neighbours and I don't want to keep them, you know, I don't want to sort of cause lots of noise. Although for some reason at 10 to 2 in the morning, I don't seem to care today, but I've got the window open, but I had to cause the heating really warmed this flat up too much.

I'm getting hot flushes. I think it might be the menopause. There you go.

Say hello to everyone. Say hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Those that are listening to the podcast.

If you want to, if you haven't seen Andre or you're a fan of Andre, it's worth checking out the, the video, the video on Facebook, on my Facebook. I don't know how far we are into the, let me check. I'll check to see how far we are into the podcast.

It's about 40 minutes, about 40 minutes into it. Just so you don't have to watch the whole thing. You'd want to watch the whole thing.

Oh no. Oh, he's got wet eyes. I could eat him up.

Honestly. He's trying to get away. I didn't mean it.

Not literally. Blimey Andre. I know he doesn't need to go to the toilet cause he's already been.

He did a wee I think. That's what I'm telling myself as he's rubbing himself all over me. I'm telling myself that he's not using me as toilet paper.

Oh, he's gone. He wanted to, he wanted a drink basically. So I can't, I can't deny him that.

Oh my goodness. Can I, can I apologize to everyone? The screen was not telling me that there'd been messages. So I've just missed loads and loads of messages.

Juicy said she's off to bed. Good night. Boston.

So I didn't see any of these messages. So if you're listening to this, or if you didn't listen to it, um, Carol says I'm off to bed. Still listing Carol.

Hi. I didn't see any of these messages. It didn't come up.

That's why a couple of minutes ago I said, there's no one sending any messages now. 7.40 AM in Pensacola. I didn't know that.

I've never heard of that name before. Pensacola in Florida. Well, hello, Cindy.

I've not heard of that place. I've heard of Florida. Or hugs.

You'll be fine. I don't know what that was. It's all out of context now cause I can't.

8.50 AM in Pensacola. He's a horn dog. I said that was Andre.

Molly. Oh, Molly. Molly's watching.

Hello. He's an info. You talking about me or him? Molly says, Hey, Hey, we're the monkeys.

Hi, Andre and Jason. Hi. Um, Hey, Boston.

I've seen your ankles. Molly says, what's your problem then? Molly, what's your problem? You see my ankles? What? What? What about it? What about it? What? You want to fight? You want to fight? You see my, what if you see my ankles? I think you should stop this gossip. Stop gossiping about my ankles.

How could you see my ankles? You live a million miles away. Now I know we joke about these telescopes and binoculars and stuff, but, and I have tried to look for your bedroom window. Obviously I do it to everyone, but my binoculars don't go that far.

I'm going to move on from this now. I realize it's going weird, but how have you seen my ankles? Huh? Barbara Otto's watching. Hi.

Molly says, I was making sure you didn't miss any spots. Cindy says, I understand totally. Menopause, menopause.

Yeah. Yeah. Wet eyes.

Yeah. He's, he's cute. It's really weird.

You know, are you, Molly? You're not waving goodbye. Are you? You better stay online. Fisty cuffs.

Yeah. Your ankles start from below your chin. I think you find that, that's, are you making fun of one of my chins? Which chin? I think personally, do I have cute ankles? Vanessa, let's go private.

Let's get rid of this. Let's get rid of everyone. And we'll go into, I'll go into a private, I'll show you me ankles.

I don't know if I've got cute ankles. I would say I have, um, I'm trying to say, I'll show you my ankles. Here we go.

Oh no. I should have washed them first. Nevermind.

I, I think my ankles are pretty normal. They don't smell normal, but they, they don't look. No.

Yeah. I think showing you my ankles without looking at the first would be the equivalent of coming on here without making sure that didn't have any bogeys sticking out my nose or didn't have any cake on my beard. You know what I mean? It's, you got to check in the mirror before you do a video.

And I just looked at my, my, my ankles and well, I peeled my socks off basically. Um, and, uh, I'm going to have to put new socks on now. I'm not showing you, not showing you my ankles.

No, you can't make me. I, I tell you what, out of my whole body. Um, I think the one thing I've got now you're blind or I haven't looked at my ankles, the retinas are gone.

Um, I think the best part of, I've been told by others. People used to tell me I had nice eyes, but you can't even see my eyes now with my glasses on. So I don't have, um, I don't have thick glasses, you know, the like really, um, magnifying glass glasses are really thick ones where your eyes look really big.

So I don't have that. In fact, my eyes probably look smaller without glasses, uh, with glasses and without, and these glasses are for reading because the other ones I sat on, my distance glasses I sat on. So they're bendy.

They're kind of wonky. Although I did get them straightened a little bit at the opticians a few weeks back, but it's still a bit wonky. Um, but these are in better condition because I just wear them for reading or computer work, which means I'm sitting still, you know, with the other ones I'm going out and they're getting blown around by the wind.

I don't mean like in the air and stuff, I've got a string attached to them. It's not like the little kite, little glasses, kites or anything, but how can you keep a straight face talking about your ankle? Vanessa, you haven't seen, have you seen my ankles as well? Blimey. Is this a new thing? Is ankles, are you actually talking about ankles here? Cause two of you now, is it a different thing? Jason's glasses are made of feathers.

Molly, me and you, I tell you, I'm so angry with you. I've never been so angry. That's my catchphrase.

Have you noticed that? Anyone that listens regularly? I've never been so angry. That's my catchphrase. Ankle.

Is ankles a weird word? I always found pants to be a weird word. Like when I was younger, pants. Size.

My normal, my normal answer to that is you wouldn't want it in your bum, but, um, feets, uh, 10, size 10, size 10. Yeah. Boston, you haven't seen, Boston, no one has seen my ankles.

No one has, no one. I don't think so. I haven't, I haven't, I haven't, I haven't seen my ankles.

I haven't even felt the touch of a lady for a year. That's the, she was the last person to see my ankles. That's when she left actually.

She was fine with everything else. She said, like, I remember her saying on the phone, she said, I can't see you again. I said, what? She said, your ankles.

I said, what? She said, like, it was enough. I put up with everything else. I liked you.

You know, you're a nice person. I thought we're both getting on a bit and the physical side of things is going to maybe distinguish at some point. So maybe I could put up with your body and but not the ankles, not, not the ankles.

Can't do it. I said, why? She said, do you really need me to tell you? I said, well, I don't really want you to tell me, but I said, are you really telling me that you find my ankles repellent, but you're okay with, you know, Mr. Cipollata? And she said, well, I'm not saying I was okay with Mr. Cipollata, but your ankles. I said, what, what, what? She said, well, listen, right.

The fact is in the summer, we're going to want to go out in public. I said, yeah. She said, I like to go to the beach.

I said, okay. Well, you're not going to be wearing socks when you walk on the beach, are you? But you're not going to have Mr. Cipollata out. It'll be packed away inside his little thimble case or whatever.

I said, could you just move back to the ankles, please? I'm not happy with the way this is going. And she said, yeah, I don't like your ankles. Sorry.

That's just rude. What is it? You're all so rude about my ankles. I've got a thing about my ankles now.

I mean, someone with a face like this should not have an issue with his ankles. It's not fair. That's not fair.

I mean, that's, that's, that's like having a stutter analyst at the same, you know, it's like one. Give me one. Don't give me both.

Let's have a look. No, no, Vanessa. No, no, no.

You had your opportunity. Molly, the ankles make or break it. Is it? I, I was told because I used to go jogging.

I used to be quite fit. I mean, that's ankle. This is more than ankles harassment.

Can you hear him? He's making lots of noise because he's not. He's trying to get into the kitchen because the door's closed. He hates a closed door.

That's his pet peeve. Honestly, a closed door ain't happy. Then it'll scratch it for hours.

I'll open the door, stick his head in, and he'll just walk out again. He'll look up at me. What are you doing there? It's like scratch.

You woke me up. And he'll say, I'll wake you up. Really? I said, yeah, you woke me up.

He said, why'd you get out of bed for? He said, because you've been scratching at that door for hours. He said, if it's been hours, how come he's just woken up then? How do you know it's been hours if you just woken up? It's very, very cheeky. He bites my ankles.

Andre does, Molly. He bites them. That's why.

This is sad, right? It's a sad fact. And I don't like it. It's not because I'm grimy.

I actually, well, I ain't grimy, but I have to wear my socks in bed all year round. And I don't want to. I don't actually want to wear my socks in bed in the winter, but sometimes it's cold and I like to have my feet outside the bed covers.

But the reason I have to have my socks on all year round, even when I'm sitting down, it's because Andre will bite my toes when I'm asleep. And if you bite my toes when I'm asleep, there's a chance I'm going to kick you in the head, you know, and I have. I've kicked him once just because it was my natural reaction.

And he jumped off the bed. All I heard him was to say, oh, I'm going to get you back, get you back for that. And in the summer, there's something really nice.

So I live, I sleep, I sleep on my own, apart from when Andre's in the bed, but generally it's me. Ankles have bites and bits, bits and bites. Maybe you should just cut them.

Between the two of you, I don't know who's worse. He's mocking me, mocking, mocking me. Kick me in the head, you better be talking dirty to me.

I, he, because I don't know, I mentioned I used to keep, he's got his own cage. I used to keep him in the cage at night. Then he got so well behaved, you know, I tested it at night and he wouldn't, he'd like start doing things and, you know, knocking things over and scratching at the front door.

So I put him back in his cage. But as he's got older, he likes being out, doesn't want to be in his cage at all. And for the last year, maybe longer, he's slept outside.

He sleeps wherever he wants to sleep. Sometimes it's on my bed. He goes through periods, but it's sometimes it's on my bed.

Sometimes he, you know, I wake up and he's there. Sometimes I go to sleep and he's there and he's not there when I wake up and I get up to make sure he hasn't been crushed. The rest of the time he sleeps in here or it's different places he sleeps.

And I like, in the summer, I quite like to be pretty much naked because it's warm and it's nice to just lay there. To be fair, I just like to be able to lay naked and not have everyone laughing. It's quite, you know, it's quite nice to know that no one's going to laugh and maybe have the window open a little bit, cool this, you know.

And I can't do that with him because I was going to say worse snow isn't that it'll bite my toes, is it really? But my ankles, but he, he will. He's done it so many times that I can't, I can't, I can't test it. I can't, you know, and it's a shame because I like, I like that feeling.

I do take my socks off sometimes. In the summer, if I'm sitting on a recliner chair, he can't get to my feet when I'm on a recliner because my feet are up. So I take my socks off in the summer, you know, when I'm doing that.

And there are times in the summer where you can't wear socks. It's just like, wow, you know, uh, can't believe I'm talking about socks for so much. That's about standard, isn't it? It's about my, yeah.

Anyway, yeah. So I don't, what was it? Ankles. My ankles, I was told quite a few times I've got nice legs.

Molly says she's glad that I've got the couch down, it looks comfy. Basically what happened is my friend downstairs, he, this is his, well this was his, and he had two, he had two seater that this is, and a three seater. And I, he basically, because you know my chair, I had to chuck it out.

It just was not working at all. It was beyond anything. And I was sitting in a chair that's over there, but you can't see, it's a brown chair.

Very good if you're visiting somebody, very, very good for that. Not to take, obviously it's too, too, you don't want to carry a big chair around with them. But it's nice if the chair's already in the house or in the, in the room that you're visiting.

There's a fairly nice comfy chair to sit in when you're talking, but not for long periods of time. It's not comfortable enough to sort of just relax and watch telly, but it's great for something like meditation or relaxation because you've got your back straight. There's nothing, nowhere for your head to go, but it's quite a nice, good for that, but not for this, if you know what I mean.

Relaxing with your feet up, watching telly or maybe dozing off or whatever. And then I got another chair that my friend gave me and I want to try and get rid of that because it's in the way. It's more like an office chair, but it swings around and it rocks a little bit.

It's comfortable, but it wasn't comfortable enough to sort of sit in for too long. And then last week or the week before, my friend, I think it was the week before last, my friend said, do you want a chair? And I was thinking, no, I've got enough of your chairs. So I've got two of his, three of his chairs.

There's a foldable one as well. And he said, no, do you want my recliner? I said, what? Huh? He said, first thing I was thinking is how the heck are we going to get it up here? Because this is heavy, as heavy as a washing machine. Maybe, but you know, it's heavy, proper heavy, heavy duty thing.

I know this one, whoever bought this originally, because it wasn't him, he got it second hand or third hand. I don't know. But whoever, because it's worn a little bit, but it couldn't wear as quickly as the other one.

Because it's proper sturdy. It's very, yeah, this is expensive when it got bought, I'd say. And we got it up here, it was so heavy.

And it fits perfect. Because there's two chairs. I can put my stuff on the other chair next to me, like the remote controls, books, whatever.

The, if I'm doing so on a laptop, I can put it over there. So it's nice. It's like another table, because it can't put drinks on now, stuff.

But everything else pretty much is fine. I got to stop here, because they are just making fun of me on here. First of all, have you any resolutions? Molly says, fair enough.

Nice message. Nice message. Yeah, nice message.

And then I'm talking about, because I'm in the middle of talking about this chair, the sofa thing. The message is, strong, Jason, wink, wink, Vanessa. Molly says, Jason carried it up on his ankles.

Vanessa says, oh, strong ankles. Vanessa says, we love you. That's why we're having fun.

I've never been so angry. Hmm. I like the word furious.

I remember when I had this job, one of my sales jobs, and there was this female, and she used to use that word, I'm sorry, furious. And it reminded me of my dad when I was a little kid. Well, I was a kid.

I was little, but I was a kid. I was little all the way through being a kid. Just little.

Still little, really. Just bigger version of being little. And he used to say, it always makes me furious.

And I can't help but laugh at that word. It's almost like one of the most pathetic words. It's like an adult acting like a child when they use words like that.

I'm furious. Fury, basically, I'm having a tantrum. I'm an adult, but I'm having a tantrum.

Hmm. Oh, any resolutions? Um, um, not so much resolutions. But, but, but, but, but, but.

Oh, I finished this thing I was saying earlier. I lifted up the settee to find this remote control. It was lying on the floor.

And the process of bending down and lifting up the settee, very heavy, released an extraordinary amount of gas that lasted for a good 10 seconds. So I suppose learning how to not fart in front of women would be good. I don't know how how to, how to hold in farts without feeling ill.

I don't know how to tell. It's not really a resolution, is it? It's a bit childish, I guess. I don't know.

I mean, I know I'm usually so adult, such a mature person normally. The best part ever, we're not expected are the best. Yeah, I tell you, one of the funniest farts, Vanessa, the very funniest farts, this is between me and you, is I was, I was at my Nan's.

And this is when she was still living at the house that she shared with my granddad, but she was there on her own. So I was visiting and was sitting down having a cup of tea. And I think, well, I don't know what she got up anyway.

She got up and walked towards the sink. And she let off the biggest fart. Honestly, like, really loud.

Wasn't smelly, because she's perfect. But it was definitely very loud. And she didn't acknowledge it.

Now, I don't think she noticed it. I think, and I don't know if it's true, but I've noticed it with older people, I'm talking maybe my age, but, you know, I've been around a few, especially like in meditation and stuff, and people stand up and let off a massive fart. And they're not aware of it.

It's almost the, it just pops out on its own. So I'm wondering if, because at the moment, I'm, I'm aware of them. I'm aware of them.

And I think my worst fart ever was, I've done two really, really bad farts in my life. I've done more than two really bad. I mean, I've done some, when I had gastroenteritis, I did some really bad farts, but I was ill.

So as far as I'm concerned, I do not care. Honestly. In my 20s, it probably would have been Boston's proud of her fart, it should be.

It is a proud thing, thing to be proud of. The two that I was really, I wasn't proud of these, because I didn't mean to do them. And I didn't expect them to be as bad as they were.

And one of them was quiet. So I was waiting, this is in 1988. I think I was waiting.

I was working in a factory, went around the corner to a cafe to get myself an egg sandwich. Funny enough, I hadn't actually got the egg sandwich yet. Which is kind of ironic, considering what happened next.

So there's, I'm queuing at the counter, there's probably about three people before me, possibly two people after me. It's like peak, you know, it's lunchtime, rush hour. And it was one of the favorite places for people at the factory to go to.

And some people buy lots of stuff to take back to the other people that are working, you know, sort of buy lots of sandwiches and coffees and stuff. But there's also people sitting down eating. So if you don't know what cafe is, if you don't have them where you are, basically, diner, like a diner.

But a much cheaper version, cheaper, more basic. So not, you know, tables aren't cordoned off, it's not all nice. It's usually just a room with some tables dotted around with chairs.

And then there'll be a counter where you get this get the food served, all your food or whatever, they might have waiters and waitresses just come and take your order and stuff. This was a really small one, they couldn't be more than they probably couldn't fit more than maybe 1520 people on the on the chairs. There's not a lot of space.

I ended up living upstairs funny enough a couple years later. And the one of the tenants he burnt the place down. But yeah, that's another story.

I was there in the queue waiting. And I could feel I needed to have a fart. And I just let it go.

But slowly. Let it go very slowly. Just eased it out.

Crop dusting exactly Boston. You need to keep moving, don't you when you crop dust? You know, it's really a case of you let a little bit out at a time and keep going. So it doesn't all stay in one place.

Well, I was static, standing there. I didn't want this to happen. It wasn't.

It wasn't a badge of honor. I wasn't trying to impress the lady standing behind me. Well, initially she was standing.

And basically, I let it out. And it is by far among the smelliest ones I've ever done. It smelled like I'd already.

It smelled actually like I'd spent the last five years sitting in that cafe eating egg sandwiches one after another for five years. So all I did was eat egg sandwiches. Who's that? That's the egg sandwich man.

And that's and then built up all that gas and then let it off in one go. That's what it sounded like. There was enough people, though, in that cafe for me to not have to take responsibility or the blame, because it was quiet.

It was a silent one. So I did what any normal person would do. I looked around for the culprit.

I looked around. I didn't want to be whoever smelt it dealt it to want to be the first one to smell it, you know, or make a big deal about it. But I definitely wanted to.

I wanted to be judgmental. I wanted to put that air of judgmentality out there. The to feel condemnation towards others just to just to I wanted to inwardly express anger at how someone could be so disrespectful and inconsiderate around people that were eating.

People were eating there. How could someone do something like that? You're eating your food. The taste that you have is only is 10% 90% of your taste is smell.

90% of our taste is smell. So people there eating their egg sandwich. Or their burger or their chips or their whatever they were eating, you know, breakfast.

Opening their mouth. Smelling the food that they're about to put into their mouth. All that 90% of your taste is a smell.

They would not be able to smell that sandwich. I mean, I'm just surprised that people could even see each other through the green smoke, you know, is why they were it felt like it should have been one of those situations where the whole place just went dusty. As it started to calm down, he could start to sort of see people through this through the little sparkles of dust and pong.

It really was bad. And I wasn't to start with, I thought, oh, this is disgusting. Yeah, it should start the sprinkles the sprinklers coming on.

I thought another fire upstairs did that. I thought. First of all, what is the first thought? If we're honest is have I got time to go to the shop and get some new trousers? That's the first you know, before going back to work, but so because you can move your buttocks around a little bit to sort of.

Because you can feel wet patches. I'm not going to go. You can you can kind of get an idea.

I've had my bum for quite a while at that point, 18 years. So I kind of knew my way around. This is a weird, weird, weird thing.

But anyway, I that was my first instinct. My second instinct was the first thing I second thought I think I thought was. I hope no one knows it was me.

Because I want my egg sandwich. And I don't have time to walk up to the other shop because I'm in queue in here for 10 minutes. And I just, you know, I wanted the egg sandwich now because I was I was in the mood.

I was in the mood. And nothing was going to stop me. And then people started looking around.

And I. But there's no evidence. Outside of my trousers, there was no evidence. That sounds wrong, isn't it? There's no evidence that it was me.

Okay. Now, the person who feels sorry and all this really is my laundrette lady. Two days later, but that's that's a different story.

So I. I was really embarrassed. And then I'm looking around trying to like blame other people. Like internally with my eyes or facial expressions.

And I looked around and those beautiful woman sort of kneeling on the floor behind me. Vomited. No, she wasn't.

The weird thing about it is I still wanted the egg sandwich. Nothing was going to put me off. And she was like.

And I said, I know that look. She said, what do you mean? That's a look of guilt. So I said to her, I said, I can't believe you'd do something like that in a public place where people are eating with this food.

She said it wasn't me. I said, okay, fair enough. I'm sorry.

I'm Jason, by the way. You fancy going out for a drink? I wasn't good at chatting up people back then. I still not really.

I just let women come to me. Actually, I said that to Andre the other day. I said, he said, we haven't got a girlfriend.

I said, no, but I let women come to me. I don't, don't push myself onto anyone. And he said, so how's that working for you so far? Cheeky little.

I had a thing the other day. I was at the garage petrol station and I couldn't, I went in there, bought some stuff. And I said to the lady behind the counter, and she's new, she'd been there about two, three weeks.

And I said to her, is the cash machine working? She said, what do you mean? He said, well, it wasn't working two nights ago. And I just don't want it to take my card because it kept it for about three minutes last time. And this time of year, it's hard to get into the bank and stuff.

And she said, well, I can test it for you if you like. Wow, that's really friendly. So she came out and there's the thing.

So I wait for her, open the door for her. She comes out, my friend's outside. I was really like, I couldn't believe how friendly she was being.

And I've said hello to her before and stuff like very small chit chat. And so I'm standing there with my mask on, she's standing there with her mask on. When she gets out, she takes her mask off.

You know, face covering off. And I said, wow. I said, it's the first time I've seen you without your face covering, without your mask.

I said, you're really pretty. You're lovely. She said, oh, thank you.

And she said, I haven't seen you without yours either. So I took my mask off, took my face mask off. And I said, well, then what do you think? And she said, I was going to go and check the machine, check the card machine, the cash machine.

She walked off. So I, do you have a time that I did a file? I was in a clothes shop. Was it a bookshop? No, it was a clothes shop.

And I was in the men's section. Okay. But so I didn't expect to be anywhere near women at all.

Just just I was in the men's section looking at the trousers. Didn't, I looked around, I wasn't anywhere, even if there's a man around, I'm still not going to let one massive one off. But because there's no one there, I did.

Well, it was a loud one. I know I, I, I thought I'll enjoy it. I've been letting it build up for probably 15-20 minutes.

It was percolating nicely. I thought, yeah, I'll enjoy this one. You know, it's an auditory delight.

It's a very lovely thing. So I did. And it was loud, much loud enough for it was going to be.

And, you know, everything else that goes with those kinds of thoughts. But, and it was smelly. But it was more loud than smelly.

But it was still, it was, I feel like Boston, like it was a drop and run. It was basically, it wasn't one that you stay in. It's, you know, you drop it and you get out of that area as soon as you can.

So that's what I did. I kept it until I'd looked at the trousers. There wasn't any that I needed at that moment.

Well, I didn't think I did until I got home. But I looked at the trousers and I thought, I didn't have any in the size that I wanted. Because I need to get short, but fat at the same time.

Short and fat. That's the size I get. And I thought, that's it.

I haven't got what I want. I thought, it's a safe place. It's a little bit like, I felt a little bit like Wonder Woman.

You know, when one Wonder Woman needed to change. I'm talking about the original Wonder Woman. She had to get somewhere where there's no one around before she could turn around and sparkle, flashing into a costume.

I can't remember what kind of costume it was. Yeah, like it's not etched in my brain for life. Wonder Woman.

Blimey. I mean, if ever there was, I know it's a cliche, but a gift that keeps on giving, Wonder Woman has been that in my life. Loved it when I was a little kid.

Loved it when I was a teenager. Loved it when I was an adult. And now as an old age pensioner, still love it.

I like the new Wonder Woman as well. But I just, I was in love with Wonder Woman when I was about eight years old. Seriously.

Loved her. I was feeling like Wonder Woman who needed to fart. So I thought I'd let off a Wonder Woman fart.

I didn't twirl around. Not silly. I squatted.

But you know, I did it. If you get your in a right angle, get everything kind of aligned. The chamber's a bit longer, I think, from the fart chamber.

So I don't know if the fart's somewhere around my neck. And so between my neck and my bum is like real big, big gush. And Molly says, and Madonna.

Madonna and Madonna. Yeah. Oh man, I tell you, Madonna.

Madonna was a crush of mine. I wasn't bothered about her when she was first came out. I liked her music.

And I like Madonna because of her music, not because of how she looked. I was a big fan of her. I liked the first two albums, but I wasn't bothered.

You know, I listened to them on the radio and watch it on Top of the Pops. But True Blue, that album, and Like a Prayer, two of my favourite albums out of all the albums I've ever listened to in my life. Those two are on the list.

It's a long list of albums that I love, but they're definitely on that list. And the True Blue video. No, the Puppet Don't Preach video.

Wowed me. I fell in love with like proper. I was what, 15 probably.

Yeah, 15, 1986. I was 15. And I loved Madonna in that Puppet Don't Preach video.

And I watched it over and over and over and over again. That's all I'm going to say on that subject. But I loved Madonna.

But I also loved the album. And so never really could understand why people get so caught up in how people look when just because it's got a nice picture on the cover of the album. Ultimately, they're going to be listening to the music.

But anyway, I'm going to finish this quick story and then I'm going to stop the podcast because the battery is running out on my iPad. Which means the recording I'm doing could get lost. I don't want that to happen.

So I'll continue a little bit longer with the video slightly. So I don't want to end abruptly. I don't care about the podcast listeners.

I do I do. So before I go, I just want to say thank you to everyone for listening throughout 2020. Happy New Year 2021.

To all my listeners of all my podcasts. I love you all. So but before you go, the ending of this fart story is I let off the biggest, echoist, loudest fart with the intention of walking away from it.

I wanted to get out from the eye of the storm. I want to let the hurricane do its thing and me just move. But you know, I turn the corner and there's a beautiful, you know, like woman standing there.

Staring at me. I mean, I don't know if she was about to turn the corner. And I don't know if she heard the words of George Michael, turn a different corner and we never would have met.

I never would have smelt that. But she gave me the weirdest look and I couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't stop laughing.

And I tell you, I'm gonna go I'm gonna tell you another time I couldn't stop laughing, but I'll tell you on the video. So everyone listening on the podcast, I have to bring it to an end because the battery literally is about to run out. I don't want to lose the recording.

Because this is much better quality sound than the video. So I want to go but I'm going to stay on the video for the live broadcast for a little while longer. Because so thank you for listening.

Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. And maybe I'll change my little ending in the new year. But lots of love.

Bye