#558 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name's Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. I'm accompanied by a horny little ferret behind me, making too much noise for my enjoyment. But he's enjoying it so I guess that's all that matters, eh? Yeah.

So I hope you're well. I hope everything's groovy where you are. Today is the 9th of December, 2020.

I did a couple of recordings today. So I've started a new podcast called Let Me Bore Your Stress Away. See what I did there? Hey, hey.

Yep, another boring recording. But that one's going to be different from this. It's going to be different because I'm going to be looking at, I'm going to be focusing on relaxation.

I'm going to be focusing, although it's not hypnosis, it's going to be probably suggestive and not suggestive in a pervy way, but suggestive as in relaxing. And also I'm going to be discussing ways to relax and things that I've discovered in my studies. So I'm going to be looking for new things online and books I read and stuff.

But it's still going to be boring, but relaxing. Not sure if it's going to be particularly entertaining. I don't know.

So I thought, I quite like doing things that aren't, what should we say? Structured. I quite like the unstructured way of doing things sometimes. Because then it gives me the freedom to just think while I'm in action.

As opposed to, I was going to say planning. I do kind of know what, do I know what I'm going to say before I say it? Not with these recordings. I don't necessarily know what I'm going to say as in the words, but I have an idea.

So if I start recording, for example, today I did sleep hypnosis weekly number 59. And I'm going to do my zip. And for my cardigan.

Andre shut up, shut up. It sounds like a dolphin. Anyway, he, yeah, I did the relax sleep hypnosis weekly.

And I actually knew, I thought about it in my head and prepared it inside me old, me old head head before even recording it. I don't always do that. But I generally like to have an idea what I'm going to do.

The way I did it in the end was different to how I was expecting to do it. But it was still no, that's not the one I've got the wrong one. No, no, no, no, I did.

I think I did the stress. Let me bore your stress away. Yesterday.

Today, I did a relaxation for stress, relaxation, hypnosis for stress and anxiety. I did a recording, which was kind of more me talking. Well, they're kind of all me talking, I suppose, aren't they? But yeah, that's it.

I had an idea what I wanted to talk about. And I did. Yeah, that's it.

Forget what I've done. The sleep hypnosis weekly, I fell asleep recording it. Now, I think, what did I call that? Try and keep your eyes open.

And I genuinely fell asleep. Luckily, this time, I'd recorded nearly half an hour before I fell asleep. So I was able to hold what I was able to, you know, release it.

But lately, I've actually recorded stuff, where I've fallen asleep within about five or six minutes. And then I'm talking for maybe an hour, mumbling. It's not my parrot.

Oh, let me just try it just once. I don't like spouts. You know, I'm just, I've listened back to some of these recordings.

What surprises me like today's one, I said something. And you can enjoy the increased feeling of relaxation. Because this was a relaxation and a sleep session, which is, I always do that now for the weekly sleep sessions.

So it's relaxation and sleep. So you can choose which one you want, really. If you want to relax, just listen to it and set your alarm in case you fall asleep.

While I was talking, like, yeah, now you can relax. Literally within about five seconds, I was snoring. So I was drifting in and out of consciousness, in and out of dreaming, and making a recording at the same time.

Luckily, it was near, you know, it was afterwards. All the snoring didn't start until about 28 minutes. I think I left a little bit in.

So it's very, it's hard, actually, sometimes to make a sleep recording, or a deeply relaxing recording without falling asleep now. And I don't know if it's because they're really effective or, or some other reason. It's hard to know, isn't it? Of course, I'd love to pat myself on the, on the bum and say, yeah, well done, JJ.

You're, that's another wonderful piece of, you know, artistic fantastication that you've just produced there. You are indeed saving the world in your own small way. But then I'm thinking, maybe I'm just boring myself.

Or, you know, I guess I do find that sometimes. I was talking to a friend earlier. And I said something to her, and I just started talking, that's not what it was about.

And I said, that was really boring, wasn't it? That sentence I just said, that was proper boring. I catch myself and I just, but I think what it is, because I have no one to talk to, that is interested in the things that I'm interested in. I can talk about boxing with my friend.

That's one of my, when it comes to sports, I'm passionate about boxing. You know, I watch a lot of boxing and I'm, I would say quite up to date with who's who in the boxing world. You know, yeah, I'm a fan, a big fan.

But outside of that, I can tell people about this online stuff that I do. Why does Andre have to use carrier bags? To, you know, he's got his slipper, that's the head. The carrier bag is the body of his girlfriend.

So he's got, he must love, obviously he's, he loves, he loves head, he loves the slipper that he's got, he loves her, or him, I don't know. And he likes to chop and change when it comes to the body. He seems to love things that, anything that makes the most about a noise.

There's not enough that he's doing it, he just wants, he wants me to know. The other day, I was telling him off, saying, listen, why do you have to keep doing that when I'm making a recording? You know, I'm trying to make it quiet, I don't want it, I want you, like, doing that stuff when I'm making a recording. And he said, are you jealous, are you? I said, no, jealous, what are you talking about? When's the last time you had a girlfriend? This is so rude.

And then I start thinking, great. So a ferret gets action and I get nothing. I say action, it's the sound of a, I'm not really an action man.

I'm just, my eyes do move from side to side, but, I don't know if you remember the action man. Oh, he's finished now, he's going to have a nice drink. He'll probably go and have something to eat and then go to sleep.

Exhausted like a lion. Do you ever see the wildlife programs with the lions? Mating, yeah, mating with his mate. And finishes and just flops over on one side.

Lions are very lazy, lazy animals. If a lion didn't have to hunt, they wouldn't. And I think they let the females do the hunting anyway, don't they? So male lions are very lazy, very lazy indeed.

I'm a lion. I'm a liar, not a lying. I'm a lion.

I'm a lion. I can't believe it. You know, I was looking at my food deliveries.

So I cancelled this week's delivery. Because I had too many bills to pay. So my next delivery is next week now.

And then I've got one a few days before Christmas. And I was looking and I was like, wow. The 9th today.

Then the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th. 9th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd. So it's 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th.

That's a week. 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd. So two weeks time, it will be the day before Christmas Eve.

And I'm like, wow. And I've got my Christmas tree. I don't know if I mentioned that.

I haven't even bothered putting the lights on for the last couple of days. I need to make an effort. But it dawned on me that I don't celebrate Christmas.

What's the point in pretending? But at the same time, I love Christmas. I just don't have anyone to share it with. Other than I've got Andre, of course.

You know what? I've only ever had one proper Christmas. Like an adult Christmas. Since I left school.

Where I spent it with a girlfriend. I said, in my head, that's kind of like an adult Christmas. When you spend it with someone you're having an adult relationship with.

I know Christmas is not based upon having a romantic relationship. Most of my life has been based on not having a romantic relationship. But this one particular year.

I... In fact, no, it wasn't Christmas at all. I had two years in a row, right? Where I had a girlfriend. Different one, different girlfriend.

At Christmas. So 2005 Christmas and 2006 New Years. And 2006 Christmas and 2007 New Years.

So I spent New Years Eve two years in a row with my girlfriend. Now two of the best New Years I've had. Just me and them.

And it was lovely. Saying that I preferred being at the comedy club. In a way.

Because that was my That's what I loved doing. I loved going to the comedy club New Years Eve. It was my annual thing.

You know, it's just a tradition. It's a tradition that I started for myself. In 1991.

And I went every single year. Apart from 1995 and and possibly 1996. So I was a security guard then.

But if I wasn't working that night I would have gone. Pretty sure I would have gone. And then I was there in 97.

So yeah, every year. 91, 92 I'm trying to think if I can remember the actual years. 91 Christmas or New Years I was there.

I don't remember it but I definitely went. 1992 Again No, okay. No, I definitely went.

I don't remember it but I would have gone. 1993 Maybe New Years Eve No I didn't. Because I saw I had the New Years with a girlfriend.

Wow So I had I had a few New Years Eve with girlfriends. Four in fact. Off the top of my head.

So yeah I had New Years Eve with a girlfriend that I just started dating that Christmas. But she had her children so it wasn't it wasn't quite the same. It wasn't romantic or anything really.

But we went down the beach and saw the New Year on the beach. So that was okay. It was quite nice.

So that was 1993 New Years. I missed the comedy club that year. 1994 I had just come back from Ireland in I think the November and 1994 Yeah I remember right.

I went to the comedy club and I wore a silk shirt. And the reason I remember it is because it was kind of a weird night. Okay It was a weird weird weird night.

Okay And If I remember rightly The 1995 Yeah Yeah If I remember correctly I wore a silk shirt. I used to wear silk shirts back then. They weren't expensive but they were just You'd wash them and they were dry literally before you got the chance to sneeze on them.

They were just instantly dry. Which is nice. Because I was so skinny back then.

I always wore loose things. I didn't wear tight things. I always wore loose things.

So a nice loose shirt and probably jeans and trainers or shoes or some kind of foot utensil. And I went to the comedy club. I was living with a friend at the time.

So I had a room upstairs on the right and he had his room on the left and it was basically just me and him. Andre used to live there but he used to live downstairs in the living room on a pull out bed sofa bed thing. But then he moved to Ireland and then I moved out to Ireland to be with him.

To be with him. To join him out there. Which I did and then I ended up coming back to London and I stayed with my friend again.

And that was the end of 1994. So I went to the comedy club and even though I tell you constantly I wonder if the neighbours downstairs all they hear is him just walking about. I might pick him up and say hello to him in a minute.

we've already met. What's the point? You've met me haven't you Andre? I got him. Hello mate.

Are you alright? Tell hello to everybody. Hello everybody. Hello everybody.

You're wet. You must be knackered. You've got so much energy.

Where did you get your energy from? Didn't inherit it from your daddy? No. Just have a cuddle there. That's it.

Just calm down for a little bit. Have a little rest. His nose is all wet and pink.

What have you been doing? So it's quite weird that I feel nostalgic about going to the comedy club on New Years Eve because for most of the evening I used to sit at the bar or stand at the bar on my own. I used to know the staff to talk to. The waiters and waitresses and the owner as well.

But the place would be full of customers so I wouldn't know any of them and I probably know the comedians as well to talk to. So I guess most of the night I was almost ignored because the staff was so busy. You know, busiest night of the year.

And there wasn't like, let's say if I go there on a Wednesday night or Thursday night in the 90s when I used to go I could chat to the barman or a waitress or whatever and we could just chat shoot the breeze as it were because it was fairly quiet at times or there'd be quiet periods but New Years Eve it'd be full really, really busy, busy and then once the comedy finished and then they saw in the New Years Eve, like midnight that's when it got better because there was a disco until, I don't know, three o'clock or something.

So there'd be three hours of well, I wouldn't necessarily be dancing and weird really, not weird but I never thought about chatting up or trying to chat up any of the customers I just didn't really think about it just, I don't know you know, there'd be a disco going on and people would dance in and have fun and I'd still be standing there at the bar but then the comedians from the circuit would come in later on so after they'd done their gigs at the comedy store, Jonglers, Banana Cabaret, Meccano Club, you name it, various

different comedy clubs around London a lot of them would come back to the comedy cafe to hang out you know, have some drinks there was a comics room upstairs where there was a pool table TV loads of chairs, settees and stuff where people could hang out so what was quite nice about it is new comedians could hang around with literally you could hang around with someone famous and as long as you didn't make it a big deal you'd be accepted you know, of course if you couldn't just go in there and start like oh, it's

Jimmy Carr, Jimmy Carr I love you, I love your act can I have your autograph that wouldn't be kind of a thing to do even though that's probably what a lot of people would want to do when they meet maybe their comedy hero I say I'm using Jimmy Carr as an example but you know it could be anyone my first I don't know if it was I was excited but I probably was a little bit excited I met Jo Brand and she was already famous she was already been on TV doing comedy for years as

stand-up she's pretty much like the original almost like the original female comedian in fact you could say she's she was the first alternative one of the first alternative stand-up comedians to become famous and she she used to be in the club when I first started going there there was seating sofas and stuff around the bar near the fire so she'd be sitting on the sofa and I'd have to find a chair or something to sit on and I remember all I wanted to do really was I think I wanted to impress her I was 20

at the time I probably still want to impress her to be fair you know just because she was she was the top she was the top of the pile above everybody else on the circuit because she was already if you're regularly on TV then you've made it and she had and she still is famous 30 years later 40 years later, she's had a long career and I wanted to impress her I wanted her to like me I think that's the truth and I was probably trying a little bit too hard to try and say something

funny which is something that you learn fairly quickly not to do when you're around other comedians unless you're friends with them obviously you know you can do what you want when you're actually friends with someone but when you're in a group it's almost round upon if you try and make, I don't know I think you can if you're up there if you're the top top of the picking pile but you know you have to earn your way into that I think I never did really in fact I think the only time so when I did

comedy I did meet lots of lots of comedians you can't not you know you can be doing an open spot for example at the comedy store so you don't get paid anything you're doing a 5 minute slot you're a new comedian or you might have been going for 5 or 6 years but you're still new to them because they might not have seen you before and you might be on stage with it could be anyone you know it could be like Lee Evans when he was doing it it could be a famous person like someone

that's really hugely famous that just wants to go on stage and do 10 minutes to prepare for their their tour or something so you could have a really famous comedian and another really big comedian another really you know really good comedians and then there was me and to be fair I did ok when I went to the comedy store I did alright, I did get some laughs so it wasn't like the best gig in the world but I didn't die which is the main thing so and the comedy store I know in America I've been

watching a TV program a documentary I said that like do you know what a documentary is?

and it's talking about the I think it's San Francisco the comedy store not always in New York but the one in America and Mitzi Mitzi Shaw who's the mother of what's his name?

Shaw the actor comedian so she I thought it was just really interesting to watch that and I'd like to see like a version for the English comedy store because that's been around since I don't even know how long it's been around been around a long time long long time I think probably 79 since 1979 1979 something like that and the original acts were people like Rick Mayall Adrian Edmondson I think Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders probably Lenny Henry you know the big comedians of that time of the 80's they were the first alternative comedians really they

started alternative comedy but back then alternative comedy was very chaotic and sometimes very political very anti society and then in the 90's alternative comedy became slicker and became mainstream although it was still called alternative I think Bernard Manning said alternative means not funny it definitely became mainstream due to people like Jonathan Ross who was a big big champion of stand up comedians in the 90's late 80's and 90's big champion I think comedians know and recognise but I don't know if the general public quite realise what how much he's helped comedians to break through but

then I suppose Terry Wogan John Lennon any television host that has a chat show they all have the ability to help someone's career whether a singer an actor a poet a dancer painter artistic frivolity they engage in frivolity frivolity I don't know if that's a word yeah so this New Years Eve in 1994 I know what happened I know what happened I went if I'm getting this correct I have to work it out so 94 95 New Years Eve I spent it with my girlfriend and her family so that's 100% 95 I did that 96

96 I spent New Years Eve probably probably spent it with my friend actually who I was living with but there's a good possibility I was working because I was a security guard at that time so I was very very likely working that night yeah I went through a period 96 through to 97 when pretty much all I did was work because I was security and I was doing 12 hour shifts minimum and when I first started doing the security in I think it was like April time 1996 I think I might be saying 2006 but

I mean 96 I I think I worked the first 50 or 60 days without a break without a day off and that was at Canary Wharf and then I so basically I'd work 12 hours I'd go there, sometimes I'd do double shifts but I'd have to have a day off after that but generally go in there start at it was either 7 or 8 in the morning till 7 or 8 at night go home go to bed, get up again it was you know pretty much that was what I did for for about 5 or

6 weeks maybe longer couple of months or whatever and then I got moved to a nurses home which was for nurses your training to be nurses so my hours changed I think it was still 12 hour shifts and but this time it was night shift and I used to work probably 6 till 6 or 7 till 7 something like that, maybe 8 till 8 I don't remember I'm pretty sure I used to do longer hours but roughly I suppose about 12 hours so I'd always end up at least 60 hours a week working but quite

often they'd ask me to do overtime or to do an extra shift or to go and work somewhere else on a different shift to cover absence and you know holiday and stuff like that so quite often I'd work 6, 7 days a week which I didn't mind I minded less or minded more rather when I got a girlfriend because I didn't want to be working 7 days a week because I had things to do other than working but my girlfriend used to visit me at work so we still got to see each other so that

was ok ok hmm so I don't for some reason I don't remember that New Years Eve so I think I think unless that was I think 1994 maybe that was the year 96 94 95 so I remember in 1995 I got invited to two different places for New Years Eve my girlfriend invited me to go to where she was with her family because they were away on holiday so I went up to where they were and another female friend of mine wanted me to go around her house and spend New Years Eve with her and

the strange thing about it is that particular person is someone that I had semi dated the year before yeah semi dated or maybe earlier that year I can't remember so we kind of we spent time with each other you know kissed and stuff but nothing didn't yeah didn't actually become boyfriend girlfriend or anything like that and part of the reason was because she was Andre's ex-girlfriend and he was in Ireland she had come back from Ireland because they had split up and then she came around mine and we really hit it off and it was

just like oh whoops and in the end I just decided I couldn't I couldn't you know even though they weren't together anymore it just felt wrong and technically I was right I shouldn't have done because the bro code would have been broken you could say I broke the bro code but she kissed me I tried to stop her I said no no stop well you know we didn't we didn't complete that particular game so I didn't go to her I went to my girlfriend's for Christmas which is obviously the right thing to do you know

but I did say to her I did say well what about can't we do it a day after can't we celebrate New Years the night after so I want to get back from where I'm going she said no it's tonight or never and I said yeah but I'm loyal to my girlfriend can't we do it can't we it's weird it was anyway there was more to that there was a lot more to that story but I won't go into it but the year before 94 94 that was a weird one because I went to my

Dad's for Christmas and which I did at that time in those years I'd go to my Dad's for Christmas and then I'd come home the other day after Boxing Day once the train started again so I'd get there New Years Eve get back and then leave the day after Boxing Day sometimes I would stay with a friend but I'd still be there for Christmas dinner for my Dad's and my Nan as well of course so 94 1990 94 I and again I might have this wrong but it's got to be right it's got to be

right unless it's not anyway I think it is I went to the comedy club with my silk shirt on and I was just standing there at the bar nursing a glass of coke which lasted me for a few hours which was kind of sad really I think I might have gone around the to the garage and got myself a sausage roll or something or maybe I got McDonald's and got a burger or something to keep me going and this girl, well a female came up to me and started chatting to me during the I think

she said hello to me a couple of times during the night and she kept looking at me but she was on a table with lots of other people probably I don't know 10 people and at the disco 12 o'clock after the old man tine zine old man you know that at the end of it's a wonderful life they all start singing old man zine now we only sing that new years eve when the bells strike 12 to welcome the new year in we don't sing it at Christmas and once the disco started she came up

and started talking to me and we got on really well together and I thought I was doing really well not really well but you know for me it was going fairly well and I figured it must be the silk shirt and she I mean this is 94 so it's not like I had I had a couple of girlfriends that year already so I wasn't I wasn't on a complete drought but compared to a lot of young people in their early 20s I was basically like a monk really some would say more like a monkey but

yeah I'd say a monk and anyway this lady she's my type the kind of person that I like and by that I mean someone that likes me nothing turns me on more than a woman that likes me that's the biggest aphrodisiac it's like wow she really likes me like really and obviously there's the parts of me thinking what's wrong with her but then yeah it's a turn on someone who actually really likes you it's like wow yeah this is nice well that's what I thought and she's whole she introduces me to people on the table

and she's with her boyfriend and I'm like yeah what oh hello and she was he's all over there on his lonesome he's on his own he's been on his own all night she didn't speak like that at all and the thing is right she kept flirting with me and at one point she I was standing behind her and she was talking to the people on the table and she put her hand, she held my hand while she was talking to them behind her and I was very confused I wasn't sure if it was if well

I couldn't understand how she managed to grab my hand without having her eyes looking at me how did she know where my hand was I was like oh I remember that it's almost like I pulled you know I kind of I met someone that I really liked but at the same time she wasn't available anyway just didn't really understand that one very confusing for me so I hung around and she went I'm not sure if she I don't know how we said goodbye but we said goodbye I never understood the goodbye part maybe there was

this waitress right and she worked in the club with me and this is like later on, a few years later and she came in and she said I'm leaving now this is, I've just come to collect my last pay slip and I'm going to be going back to Bulgaria I said oh ok cool see ya and she said and she hugged me I said oh ok see ya and she looked at me right and she said is that how you say goodbye is that what you've got to say I was like what I got on

well with her I tried to get on well with everybody that I worked with but I didn't know what she wanted and her boyfriend was outside sitting on the wall waiting for her I said what would you would you would you no I just said I made my excuses and left I don't know what what she was wanting me to do unless she just wanted me to apologise for, because she hadn't had to work with me for a year or two, maybe she just wanted me to say sorry for being so grumpy or whatever it

is sorry for being, I don't know I don't know I don't know there's definitely some mixed messages on that one I don't know what to do I don't want to kiss her I mean other than hug someone goodbye, what else is there is there some kind of special Bulgarian dance goodbye dance that I didn't know about I don't know it's supposed to exchange toenail cuttings I don't know if there's some kind of faux pas on my part I didn't know about anyway she left and before she did that I called her boyfriend over because I'd

seen him loads of times he used to come in and pick her up after work so I gave him a big kiss on the lips I said I miss you baby and safe journey and that he started crying he said I miss you Jason I miss you I said I know, don't worry, we'll stay in touch and just remember whenever whenever you feel lonely and you miss me remember you've still got that little plastic bag open it up and you can have a look at the toenail clippings that I've got that you've got always remember

me and if cloning ever does actually happen you can grow me you can grow me you can create another version of me from my toenail DNA it might just be one big toenail but it's fine give you something to cuddle use it as a windscreen a very thick foggy windscreen but probably the toughest windscreen you'll ever have and he said sorry Jason I didn't understand all that my English not so good you mentioned toenail clippings very unusual no I said I'll stop flirting be off with you yeah yeah yeah so yeah and I just remember

that particular New Years Eve I think no no no I was thinking of something else but it wouldn't have been that which is fine but the two other two New Years Eve's yeah so I spent those two the two New Years Eve's 2005 and 2006 yeah 2005 I saw the New Year in I kind of didn't see the New Year in I was lying on the floor but I was aware well I wasn't really taking much notice of the New Year but it was a good way to put the New Year in it was quite

a nice evening and then 2006 I had another girlfriend and we spent I spent New Years Eve at her place again like I did with the other one I didn't spend New Years Eve at the same place with two different people that would be strange and probably even more unbelievable than me having ever had a girlfriend in the first place so anyway I yeah New Years Eve I always preferred in some way New Years Eve to Christmas for just for the simple fact that it's I like the idea of a new beginning and I know

that every day is a new beginning every day is an opportunity to restart to start something new to you know wake up fresh and almost be reborn in a sense you know every time we wake up we're kind of reborn in a way but New Years Eve is about the only real time of the year where I can really feel it that that that new beginning the New Years Day new beginning new opportunities even though realistically new opportunities are always around us that was a weird noise there's some very strange noises in this flat if

that was Andre or he might have sneezed but yeah that was I like New Years Eve New Years Day a new day the only thing about New Years Day is everything is closed and when I've got that little bit of any, why is it closed?

I don't know but if you rely on transport generally there's no buses or trains I don't think so there's always to kind of want to get on and do something and start something new and woo have that energy but I don't know what it will be this year I mean New Years Eve is three weeks away pretty much so I mean making plans setting goals is something that's really well it's very useful but it's important for people that want to I think for everybody really but especially if you're looking to accomplish a specific target you

want to have something finished by a certain date for example whatever it might be or maybe you want to buy a car you want to get the deposit to put on a house by December two years time or something like that those kinds of targets mine are very vague really in a sense of my next target is to get 10,000 downloads a day but there's the vaguer target of having an increase in listeners to gradually grow the podcasts and they are you know it's been a little bit a little bit quiet the last few days

but then I kind of went a bit quiet myself and didn't produce anything new for a little while but hopefully I'm back as it were moving forward and I want to look at the old goals situation and see if maybe I can start planning ahead goal in what's the word goal interiated goal there's a word I had I forget what it was just to have some goals write them down stick them on the wall look at them everyday remind myself so 10,000 downloads a day that is a goal I have and then increase it but

there's other stuff I'd like to do yeah other things so I've got to go so thank you ever so much for listening and remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy lots of love bye