#549 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. With little sounds of Andre the Ferret in the background, trying to get comfortable as he's sleeping.

Hope you're well. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right, so let's see if I've got any messages, shall I? So what have I got? Got a message from Molly says, Watch out, there's a fire engine in the roof.

Cover yourself in grease and I'll be back and we'll have fun in the pantry. It's Jason 2020. WTF? And I said, Yeah, meet me there.

Rachel. Garlic. Unherb farts are the best.

I can't share your let me bore you to sleep. Because I know would be people, people I know would be offended by you talking about your balls bum and having intercourse. And what type of talk that type of talk would be too much.

But I'm still listening. Tell Andre I love him and he should get more involved in the podcast. More like more I like hearing him talk.

To be fair, he is the most popular part of the podcasts. Andre steals the limelight. Also, if you put some chocolates on your Amazon wish list, someone might buy you some for Christmas.

Rachel, I'm gonna do that right now. I would do that right one or right now. But you know, I do on my wish list on my website.

It's just books I think at the moment. And I hope I do talk more about I don't really I don't think I spend a huge amount of time talking about balls of bum and intercourse. I don't think it's like a huge part of my repertoire.

Is it? Because if that is all I talk about, then I need to stop doing this because it's a bit sad. Really? Yeah, I decided I'm not gonna talk about those things now. And I can't think of anything to say.

Isn't it weird? Wow, I am a one trick horse. Pony trick. One trick.

Yeah, apparently, according to Spreaker. Here's a summary of all of your episodes, downloads and likes from last week, compared to the previous one. 50,889 downloads up 14,756 of the week before.

And my most popular episodes according to this was number 548. Let me bore you to sleep the strangest secret. Wow.

So that's unusual. I don't normally let me bore you to sleep. I'm not usually the most popular ones.

But on that occasion, that one episode. I don't know. I didn't understand it.

You really didn't. So I've had a couple of days off of doing these podcasts. But today I have done a or yesterday I did a pod an episode for the relaxation stress podcast.

And I've done another one today. So I've kind of I was about to say I'm feeling a bit better than I did. But yeah, I think I am.

So the weekend wasn't great. But it's alright. It's okay.

It's it's okay for things not to be good. It's just if they're not good all the time, you know, that's when the problem is. But I'd have to have to be really right simpleton to expect things to be good all the time.

Of course, they're not going to be kind of expect to feel okay all the time. I have a mental health condition, which means that I'm, you know, it's unlikely I'm going to feel good all the time. In fact, if I did, there'll be something wrong.

But I'm feeling all right, feeling fairly okay. Today. Yeah.

So the stats do go down, you know, when I don't make any recordings. It might seem obvious. But the ironic thing, maybe not ironic, but the weird thing is they don't go down by a huge amount.

There's still even the lowest day was still getting onto 5000 downloads. And that's when I hadn't even recorded anything. So, you know, as opposed to the 7000 plus, which seems to be more than the average, if I do record stuff, so it goes down by a couple of 1000.

But, you know, not even a few months ago, if I didn't record anything, it go down to about 3000 for the day. So it's growing. And you know, I know, I know a lot of people are really excited to hear this very, you know, please tell us more.

Okay. And you know, the two podcasts that are kind of at the front running of the little podcast horse race, relaxation, hypnosis, stress and anxiety, and hypnosis, sleep and deeply, those two podcasts are still practically even. Relaxation, hypnosis, stress 433,154.

And the other one, hypnosis, sleep and deeply 434,088. And you know, it's such a small amount in them. That I just Wow, I'm just interested to see which one's going to take off because I was looking at the stats on.

So I can look at these stats. This is overall, all different podcasts, providers, you know, iTunes, Spotify, everything's included. I can also check the stats on individual places as well, which I don't very often.

But I did today I looked on to Where is it? I wonder if I can have a look. No, please don't. Yeah, okay.

No, no. Yep. Oh, no.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Yes, I am.

Yes, I am. Done. Oh, what are you doing? No, that's wrong.

We're doing that. Trying to sign in. And it's the wrong signing in thing.

passwords. I thought I had it saved. There you go.

Sign in. Yeah, and now it's doing that. Allow 458763458763 does it every time I sign in either on my phone or my iPad, just doesn't let me just sign in.

I don't want apps. I want podcast. So this lets me look at the statistics.

Not just that lets me look at my podcast and in podcast analytics. So I go to the podcast analytics and turn my phone up a different way so I can actually see it. So if I go to months, let's go this month so far.

If I go last month, that pretty much makes more sense, wouldn't it? Because this month's still happening. Or range. Range 60 days.

No, I don't want 60 days. Range. Range.

Weeks. From if I go to months, heck, October. So October.

The top podcast on Apple podcasts is the relaxation hypnosis for stress and anxiety. The second one is hypnosis of sleeping deeply. Third most popular is sleep hypnosis weekly.

Fourth most popular is deep sleep whisper hypnosis. Fifth most popular is sleep in that one. 12345 sleep hypnosis, sleep insomnia hypnosis.

Then sleep and relax hypnosis with music. 28 days stop smoking course, and then the let me bore you to sleep. See, I'm well down there and I but that's if I change it to Yeah, total time listened.

Total time listened. That's weird, because let me bore you to sleep 1217 hours. Okay.

Which according to this is exactly Oh, okay. But the one, the 28 days stop smoking 111 hours 254 hours for sleep, relax, you know, hypnosis of music. So why on earth it's down below when it should be higher? They seem to be basing it on the amount of devices.

Okay, let's change that devices. No, that's not working. Total time listened.

Total time listened. Oh, okay. Now I've done it in that.

So 123456. So let me bore you to sleep. It's still number six in the charts out of all my podcasts.

Which you may think, well, why don't I put more effort into the other ones? If they're more popular? Why don't I make recordings every day for them? That's a very good question. And the sleep hypnosis weekly, I've got a good excuse for that. It's weekly.

Well, why don't you make one every week then instead of sometimes every two weeks? Yeah, that's a good point. Good, good point, especially as it's popular, you know, quite popular. Well, I say popular in my little world in my little, you know, it's not popular in the sense of the podcasting world or the internet.

You know, the big podcasters would not want my stats. They this wouldn't even probably like this would be maybe 10 minutes worth, or an hour's worth, you know. But for me, little old me, in my little world, this is, it's really good.

And I, I love every single one of you. I do. So, this, let me tell you what it comes out as.

So it's relaxation for hypnosis, stress and anxiety 3303 hours. That's for October, just gone. Hypnosis, sleeping deeply 1945 hours.

Sleep insomnia hypnosis 1539 hours. Sleep weekly 1325. Deep Sleep Whisperer 1283.

And the ball in one this one is 1217. And then the next one down is Jason Doolan free hypnosis service 508. And it's saying devices, okay.

For the relaxation hypnosis of stress 1978 different devices, okay. And according to this time per device, one hour 40 minutes. So let's go down to this one here.

120 devices. Average time 10 hours and nine minutes. Really? Wow.

10 hours and nine minutes. So I don't know what that means. I do know.

So let's do a range. I'll do a range. Months.

I want to allow me. No. So the range will only give me the last six months.

And not the last 60 days. Unless no. The last 60 days.

So see this podcast last 60 days. I've had 2131 hours listened to. This is only on Apple.

It's not Spotify, Stitcher, all of those ones that's not on it. Just the Apple podcast. Average 11 hours 27 minutes per device.

And the top one relaxation for stress anxiety 6035 hours. The next one hypnosis sleeping deeply 3764 hours. Wow.

Just shows you do it. I don't know what it shows you when it shows you something. Something's happening.

Something exciting or not. Norman R. Blanco has sent a friend request. I've had a few friend requests from him.

I don't know who he is. And I usually just say yeah, okay, then man, come join my party. And then I accept him.

And then I get another request from him. So yeah, I don't know what's going on there. I want to say thank you.

Without further ado, I'd like to say thank you to the following three people. Elizabeth, Debra, and Gisapina, Gis... Kissy, sorry. I knew I was just trying to pronounce it Kissy.

So thank you, Kissy. Thank you, Debra. And thank you, Elizabeth, all for your PayPal gifts.

Very, very kind and quite timely, I must add for the I'm not sure if I mentioned it on my podcast. But yeah, I don't think I did a podcast that day. My the podcasts cost has gone up.

So for the for Spreaker, I like Spreaker. And I've got so much content that I couldn't use any other podcast host. It'd be impossible, because I've got too much stuff.

And I would not be able to afford to use anyone else. And in the way that I do it, I mean, I could use my I could do podbean and have all of my stuff on podbean. I could use Yeah, I could use others and have all my stuff in one place.

But to have different podcasts. Spreaker is the only one that I know of that would allow me to have the 15 podcasts or whatever I've got. And I know some people have said it to me, actually, why don't I just have one podcast and everything on it.

But then I wouldn't have the stats, I wouldn't have the listeners that I have, I wouldn't be able to reach the wider audience that I do. Because I produce too much stuff, and things get lost. See, there's, if you think of this podcast, you think of the Let Me Bore You To Sleep stuff.

I don't know how many I've done now, but it's over 500. I don't know why I need to check this. Let's check it anyway.

I don't take two seconds. So I've got Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Is that the one? Yeah.

So this year, I've done 548. So this is number 549. So out of those recordings, and, you know, the hundreds and hundreds of hours, obviously, that are there, bear in mind, most of my recordings are an hour at least.

There's something that's about 700 hours or something. The let me check. I don't know why.

What? It's not even interesting. What? I want to know how I can do it. I know how lots of different ways of getting to the same thing.

What's the ways of finding stuff out? There is 649 hours for this podcast. So it's a lot of stuff that will get lost. There's perhaps people listening to this now.

That may never ever listen to episode number 33 or 69. Or, you know, 48 or 104. You know, it's just, it's not that they're particularly worthwhile to listen to.

But they're just in the past. And they may not, they still get listened to. But not a huge amount.

You know, the further away they are, the less they get listened to. So but they do still people do still listen to the old stuff. But a lot of podcasts only list the last 250 episodes, which for most people is enough.

For my for most podcasters, that's enough. You know, 250 is quite a nice, it's quite a big number. But not for me, it's a tiny number.

You know, I do more than that. I do more let me boy to sleep recordings a year than that. Yeah, I must do most nights I never go more than two or three days without doing one.

And then I do one. Yeah, I do. I do at least 25 a month, at least.

Or if I did 20 a month, that's 240 in it. But I do way more than that in a month. So of these ones.

So yeah, I don't know what my point was. There was something that I was getting at and I don't quite know what it was. Was what was it? No, I don't remember.

Oh, a Spreaker. Okay. So I had this discount last year.

They offered me a discount. And I increased my I wonder if they do it again. I'm going to call them.

I'm going to count contact them. Maybe they will do it again. But they did a discount.

It was a Black Friday discount last November, which gave me 40% off. So I was paying 70 something dollars a month. Well, that discount ran out last month.

And they took out $120 on Saturday, which was a little bit more than I was expecting to be taken out. If I'm honest. And, you know, I budgeted for the 72 pound or 77 pound.

And I guess that amount can fluctuate because of the the conversion, but probably not by much. But it's 70 to 72 or 75. I forget.

Maybe it's Yeah, somewhere between that. And now it's 120. And the website's $29.

So it's basically an even 150 $150 before I even put me underpants on. I don't know what that's got to do with anything. But, you know, there's not even not even enough for me to put my socks on.

That's underpants only for 150. I'm not cheap. So I just annoyed me a bit.

I suppose partly because I had money taken out my account that I wasn't expecting. I think that's kind of annoying for anyone, isn't it? I don't think anyone would get too excited that happening with a brilliant, I had more money taken out of my account than I wanted. Great.

Wonderful. Never been so happy. But yeah, bug me a little bit.

And I'd have thought they would want to keep me because they're making money out of me. You know, I thought that they would want to look after me. Because if nothing else, I promote them.

You know, I don't get any money from telling people that Spreaker good, and it's pretty good, even though they've that 120 is the standard amount. In fact, if anything, I think if I was a new customer, I might be paying another 120. For the amount of usage I get, or that I use.

Which is, you know, $240 a month, but by podcasts would be the answer to that. So I thought, I put off contacted them. Because I wanted to be nice.

And I, I thought of what the options are. I thought about maybe doing what I've done before, but then I've always, you know, corrected it in the past. But just deleting, maybe delete trimming every podcast down.

So it's only the previous or the latest, maybe 20 recordings or 50 recordings and getting rid of all the others. But my stats would go down. Because people do listen to the older stuff.

If I just did it down to the 100 and 250, then I would still use way too much space. So I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't be able to get a cheaper thing. I don't think the 1500 is the cheap, the next one down from this.

And that was for 250 on 12345. At least five podcasts have got over 250. So 250 515.

So just in five podcasts, I'd use up to 1500 hours. And plus I say hours, it'd be more than that. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to get the next one down if I did 250 per episode.

So I was really gonna set send me a message. What about 200? But for me, I don't want to lose the, you know, the listens, the downloads. So, you know, I don't want to take away that which I have given.

I thought maybe put it onto the website and make make the early stuff available, like I used to on the website, but take them off the podcasts. But again, for me, it's about the podcasts. I'm not bothered about people downloading stuff from my website anymore.

You can go onto the website and stream. Of course, you can download as well. But it's, it's all about streaming now, isn't it? It's not really about downloading, saving stuff as much as it used to be.

You know, when downloading was very slow, or maybe very expensive. Now, it's an Eva, it's pretty fast, especially with audio files, very fast, pretty much instant. You know, to stream, you can stream it.

And it takes up very little space. You know, even if I upload a file, that's, you know, quite big, it gets converted by them to a much smaller file with exactly the same quality. So yeah, it's stream is pretty much the way in the same way that very few people own DVDs, you know, maybe 1015 20 years time.

There probably won't be any cinemas either, unfortunately. I mean, I like DVDs, but I haven't I don't own one. I own one DVD tape, well, you know, a DVD disc.

I think I got for a Christmas present or from someone a few years back. But I haven't owned a DVD player. Since my TV broke, I had a TV.

No, that's wrong. That's wrong. I wonder what happened to that.

So I had a TV that I bought in 2004, which had a DVD player inbuilt. Loved it. It wasn't a big tilly, tilly wasn't a big tilly.

And it was like, I don't know, 14 inches or something. 14 inches is a handful. But it's, it's with my eyesight, I literally have to have it on my lap.

In order to watch it. I'd have to actually sit inside the television, because my eyesight. So I had that and then the DVD player broke.

And I remember buying a DVD player, like a separate one from ASDA for a really cheap like 30 pound or something. Because I used to like to rent DVDs from blockbusters. And I miss blockbusters.

You know, great Netflix, Amazon, it's all great, great, great, great. But you know what? There's something really nice about getting a movie or for me, it was more box sets near the end. I still like the box sets.

And binging for the weekend watching all the new episodes of the Sopranos season. And doing that over the weekend. And I'd look forward to it.

I'd have it inside my bag on the bus home. And maybe I'd gone to the shop Sainsbury's and bought a pizza and some beers and and I'd literally be like, Oh, a little bit of a glowing feeling in my tummy. I might have been for the beers.

I don't know. But you know, it's more like the overall package, you know, get to watch DVDs, favorite TV show. Although at the time I was also watching Six Feet Under.

What's it called? Oh, I've forgotten, but there's a few different ones. Life on Mars was another one. What's that medical one, medical one with Mick McDervish or Mick Sexy, Mick Hunky.

Animal, animals, anomaly begins with A. Named after the book, the, the medical book. Forgotten the name of it. I really got into that proper.

And I really got into Six Feet Under as well. Loved those shows. And I can still watch them.

They've all you know, I can stream them all. But I'm only willing to do it if I can watch every episode back to back. And at the moment I'm doing the Fear the Walking Dead.

So I've watched all of the Walking Dead. I'm doing the Fear the Walking Dead. I'm now in season five.

And season six I have to pay for. Which I'm not going to. And I've already paid Amazon.

The whatever it is a month in order to be able to, you know, prime what he paid them that. But they want to charge me more for the season. Season six.

So I'll get rid of that. I'll watch season five and then try and find out if I can watch season six somewhere else. Because sometimes there's a crossover a little bit with that show.

With the Walking Dead, like the Walking Dead's available on Amazon and on Now TV. So I wonder if Fear the Walking Dead is as well. Just like Luther.

Is it Luther? That's available on Amazon and Netflix. But they're not showing all the seasons on both. It's a bit annoying.

So once I finish watching that, I might might look at the the new season of the Walking Dead. It's a new a new show. It seems to be aimed at kids, not aimed at kids, but has kids in the cast.

I didn't really watch it. So I might, I might have a look to see because it's another part of the franchise, you know, Walking Dead franchise or whatever. Although I'm thinking of watching some Christmas films on Amazon's got quite a few.

Some of the old you know, the good one that's Scrooged with Bill Murray and a few others. So I might kind of watch some of those. But that is there's kind of a bit of a bombardment on television at the moment of Christmas films.

But they're not really. They're basically television films. And they're all romantic.

Don't really want romance. Not really. I know you could say that Groundhog Day was romance.

But it was way more than that, wasn't it? It's I'm surprised. I'm surprised that a film like Groundhog Day would be shown on a Sunday afternoon at two o'clock in the afternoon. When there are scenes which I wouldn't want my children watching if I had children, young children.

Yeah, it's they show it. It's oblivious almost. Oh, it's a comedy.

Don't matter. Did I actually look at what they're showing? Yes, I've officially become a prude. Did you hear that person saying goodbye? That's how loud.

That's a fog on voice, isn't it? That's someone that literally if there was a plane and the communication got broken, you can get that woman and she could talk to the people on the plane from the ground. She's that loud. That doesn't seem normal.

So I think some people have got superpowers. And they don't realize it. She's got the loudest voice in the world.

But doesn't really like, I suppose not very good superpower, is it? I'm just incredibly boring. So I guess that's a superpower, in a way. Well, I haven't talked about intercourse yet.

I normally do, don't I? Every single time. Oh, damn it. There's Spreaker, so I'm kind of wondering what to do about that.

I don't know. But I've worked too hard, worked too hard to give up on the dream. The only problem is trying to remember what the dream is.

What was the dream? The dream back in 2006 was to have purpose and meaning in my life and to devote my life to helping people. That was my dream. That was my purpose.

That was my goal. That was the reason, the sole reason for doing this is, you know, maybe it's more than one reason, you know, if you look at it that way, but to help people, to help as many people as I can, for the rest of my life. And that's it, you know, and in the process, give myself, give my life meaning and give myself purpose, a reason to get out of bed, a reason to, you know, to, I suppose it is being of service.

So I don't generally wouldn't normally use that phrase ology, but it is used quite a lot in my friend Earl Nightingale uses it. So does Anthony Robbins and some of the other people that, you know, talk about meaning and helping people and stuff. So to to be of service to others, which I think I am, I think I've, I think in my own little way, my own tiny, tiny little way, I've done that in different, I don't know, in different ways.

And you know, because I do more than these, I do more than the let me bore you to sleep where I just talk, I do other stuff as well, which, you know, like the relaxation stuff and, you know, lots of different things. It's all connected, it's not, you know, separate from each other. So the common denominator is me, I guess, and my squeaky voice.

But if it's what you want, then tell me what you want. So I can try to avoid doing what you want me to do. If only you knew that I really love you.

Okay. Wow. Well, well, so I'm just reading something.

This person's moaning about they got I needed a place. They bought a sign which said joy when he got it home. It said y'all and wanted to get a refund.

And people saying we'll just turn it around. But I just the thing is not everybody. Some people don't see it.

They don't they're not seeing the joke in it. If it's I don't know if the person's telling a joke so to tell. I'm guessing no one's really that.

Well, I mean, I don't know. It's not who wants to comment but the amount of people that's like this can't be serious. Someone says if you paid via PayPal logic complaint.

I just want to explain joy is Loy. Y'all backwards, you know, turn around this is joy. Other people could you perhaps turn it the other way around? The Y could pass as a J. Sometimes laughing at people is the best thing in the world.

Is so I think in those situations, sometimes I think it could be a case of just trying to be helpful. And you don't want to point out that a person must be really dim if they can't see that it just needs to be turned around. But other people just saying turn it around, turn it around.

Genuinely can't tell if it's a joke, but fixed it for you. Just turn it around. And I'm a bit there as well.

I wasn't really sure if it's a joke. It was really because I can see myself doing that. Like getting anger.

It's the wrong word. I wanted lol. It's giving me.

I wanted xox. And it's wrong. Oh no, it's the wrong one.

I'm howling laughing so hard my sides are hurting from the comments. I generally can't tell if it's joke or not. So I'll put you have it the wrong way.

I'll bless you. It's been a stressful year. Turning around does appear to say joy.

Must admit the J does look like a dodgy L. This has got to be a wind up. This should be right up. With Jupiter as my ruling planet, I will turn over backwards to bring back your joy.

No idea what that was about. This reminds me of when my daughter was small. We had a Noel sign that she liked, as it said no L in her mind.

Her name is Elizabeth, so she would turn it around. Noel forever will be Leon in our home. Oh, I asked for Noel and he sent me Leon.

Too late. Too late. Too late.

One minute later, someone does the same joke, but it's too late. But I forgive you. I forgive you.

I do. Yes, you're forgiven. Hmm.

One thing I've noticed in the Fear the Walking Dead is there is way too much dialogue, way too much chit-a-chat when they're about to be attacked and they've literally got seconds to move and they're discussing what to do next. It's like, just really? I would have left behind most of them by now. Just the amount of discussion.

Well, should we do this? You've got to just make, just do it. Ain't time. Another thing I've noticed that over the two shows and any of these films, any of these TV shows like this, they've all got different names for the creatures.

You know, there's the walking dead, there's the walkers, there's the undead, there's the sleepers. Someone called them the growlers on there yesterday. The growlers.

Not one person called them zombies. Not one person in any of these shows have ever said, yeah, they're zombies, aren't they? By the way, if there's a TV show that you might not watch, and if you get a chance, watch it. I'm recommending this television show for you.

It's a different one from this. It's Dracula. It's BBC One or BBC Dracula.

It was made by a guy called I think it was released last year. Really, really good. If you get a chance to watch it, do.

And you might think, oh, come on, really? Dracula? Not that old thing. How boring. You really are boring, Jason.

You really are boring. Talk about Dracula. Dracula.

When's Molly's birthday? Is it Molly's birthday? Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly.

Well, I'm going to change the title of my thing to Happy birthday, Molly Rose. Post. Post.

Happy birthday, Molly Rose. Yes. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday Monday. Wishing you all the best.

You are so beautiful to me. Can't you see. Yee.

That was lovely. Something was seen on there. If I was a sailor.

And you were just. An angry young man. Uh oh.

Uh oh. Would you let me. Get on the boat.

you some Spam to eat in a sandwich. So I've not been out today. I've not been out today but I've been listening to some recording some positivity which is good which I try to do every day now trying to yeah it's it's like feeding your brain and feeding your heart and it's not about positivity isn't about being unrealistic it's just about trying to move away from negativity.

negotivity no negotivity negativity negativity if there was a soldier would he let you hold her ma ma ma ma ma I used to believe if there was a time and a place for everything then maybe maybe we can go for a walk and maybe a talk I don't know why you make me cry they sound like Beatles lyrics don't they I don't know why you make me cry let's go for a walk and have a talk she loves you yeah yeah yeah she loves you yeah yeah yeah baby you know you're good to me as

happy as can be you know she said so I'm in love with her and I feel fine I love the Beatles I'm so glad that she's my little girl she's so glad she's telling all the world you know she said so I'm in love with her and I feel fine I'm so glad that she's my little girl she's so glad she's telling all the world do do do do do do do do do she loves you yeah yeah yeah she loves you yeah yeah yeah with a love like that you know she would be glad

because she loves you and you know it shouldn't be bad hey you got to hide your love away hey you got to hide your love away if I stand hand in hand you go away do do do do do imagine imagine there's no heaven it's easy if you try imagine I wonder Bob Dylan's singing that imagine there's no heaven it's easy if you try no hell below us above us only sky imagine all the people living for today ooh ooh you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one if my lover wouldn't

hold her tighter than a lamppost so yeah I think that's kind of it really I think I've run out of things to talk about well I haven't but I've got other stuff to do other stuff I was thinking about doing a a kids version of this podcast but it would be rude I've thought about it and I actually did a little version in front of the mirror not in front of the mirror but as I was walking around and I realised that I would just be rude I'd be talking about and I mean rude naughty

naughty cheeky just teaching the kids stuff that perhaps you don't want them to know and get them to misbehave encouraging them to misbehave and be naughty that's really kind of what I would probably do so I'm thinking of doing that because the idea of annoying people wars me cockles how dare you how dare you I know now I didn't know what they were doing but now I know that when my children are saying yummy to the dinner that I've just cooked them what they really mean is it tastes like Andre's poo I now know by

listening to the podcast I didn't know before I thought they really liked my cooking you taught them that yummy means Andre's poo it wasn't me I didn't invent Andre's poo it's not my fault I can't help being me dear Jason are you really 50 and not 15 are you really 50 how can you be 50 and act like this it's easy first thing don't ever get married don't have no kids don't take any responsibility on and you too can stay young no I'm only kidding I mean that might be the reason I don't know but

it's not the reason I'm sure that if I was in a I'm sure if I was in a loveless marriage sitting in bed next to someone that can't stand the sight of me and every night is hoping I stop breathing I'm sure living with someone like that in a relationship like that would give me lots of things to laugh about I'm sure I'd be full of energy dear Jason not all relationships are like that I didn't say that but I just know that I can't imagine anyone wanting to put up with me you know and

yeah especially as I got sleep apnea you know I stopped breathing quite a few times a night or quite a few times an hour so it would be very easy just to sort of rest a pillow on my face or something you don't even have to push down just pinch my nose for ten minutes that would probably do the trick Andre I caught Andre doing it the other day but he's got sharp nails so I caught him what are you doing Andre I'm only trying to smother you in your sleep what's wrong with that nothing

Andre but who's going to feed you feed me if you see the size of your feet that will last me a month lovely what a lovely thing for the love of my life to say to me my pleasure right say hello to Elizabeth hello Elizabeth is that it is that all I've got to say yeah what was the point in that then you just saying hello to her you're being nice do you mean Rachel Elizabeth yeah Rachel that's what I said innit no you said Elizabeth no I said Rachel no you said Elizabeth Elizabeth well

you don't know the difference Andre why are you being like this you've been quiet all the way through the recording and now suddenly you're you're active you're giving it giving it large what's that about well I was quite happy to just lay there being asleep and you started singing I mean come on is this supposed to be a sleep session anyone that fell asleep was going to wake up to you singing that's a nightmare man that's a bloody nightmare what were you thinking of well I guess I wasn't thinking really I just thought it would

be nice to serenade the lovely people listening serenade bloody hell you can't even why use a word that you can't even spell ok you spell it then go on spell serenade to me oh that's where you that's where you come unstuck my old man I'm a ferret I ain't got a spell I've not been to school you have apparently what do you mean apparently well I don't know I'm sure the listeners will agree with me that some of the stuff you come out with it seems like you just lived your whole life in a cage

you got released from a cage when you was like 43 and here you are you don't know what you're talking about half the time no one else does either I think you're being a little bit harsh I don't think it's really you know can we not keep it a little bit light just have a go at me yeah but you're an easy target that's just rude not really I mean if you was to say something intelligent at least once a week once a week I could handle it I'm lucky I'm still waiting I think the

last intelligent thing that you said that made sense to me was when you said to me I wasn't able to get into the kitchen because the door was closed that was the most intelligent thing you've ever said I think you're being incredibly unfair and preposterous yes why are you doing that voice now what's that all about you think it's cute you think people are going to like you because you do silly voices no that's really harsh you're a bit out of order here I'm out of order the listeners don't even realise that you've not even

got any clothes on shush you haven't washed since 1943 very funny anyway I'm going to go now oh yeah you want to go now can't face the truth can you you can't handle the truth yeah alright just calm it down anyway that's ok thank you you're blaming that on me now are you so you lift your left buttercup do a big fat fart and you blame it on me and you think it's funny you think people laugh they wouldn't think it was funny if they were sitting in a room with that fart that lingering smelly

fart Andre there's a line that you don't cross what's that then I don't know but you seem to have crossed you must have crossed it yeah probably I'm going to go anyway I feel better now I don't feel so good you're annoying Andre you're not nice at all me?

me?

I'm not the one that just farted I didn't you wonder why people won't share your recordings all you do is fart talk about your balls all the time Rachel you can't believe all he does is walk around scratching them he's disgusting he's a very naughty boy you're a naughty boy no you are I don't that's it I quit good you realise Andre if I quit doing this then there's not much use you being around is there because if I quit doing this there's no point in me being here I might as well go travelling or

do something like that next year which means getting rid of you oh I didn't think of that no you didn't think of that I can't just leave you here can I if I'm not doing the podcast what's the point what am I going to stay in this little village all day every day doing what watching telly you think that's a life you think that's a life do you well it's your life yeah that's my life at the moment but if it wasn't for making recordings and you know at least fooling myself that I'm helping people

then I might as well head off go to Spain for a couple of months or something do something like have some fun for the first time since 2001 you are such a drama queen why don't you ever say anything nice to me I think it's because of how you look you've got that kind of face that doesn't really I don't know, I don't know how to word it really when I look at you compliments don't really come into my mind so when you look at me you can't think of nice things to say yeah that's

exactly what I meant oh yeah thanks my pleasure anyway I'm going to go and Andre to find you a new home yay hopefully they don't fart everyone farts yeah but do they have to do a fart dance eh?

but they don't all do fart dances do they let's just move on from that Andre the fart dance tell everyone, go on tell everyone tell everyone what you do tell them about the fart dance no I'm not I'm going to go so happy birthday Molly Andre shush so happy birthday to you and yeah have a good one and I'll damn bring Andre in if he'll say something rude to you something naughty you know so I'm not going to he's a very naughty little boy at the moment and I'm a bit annoyed with him actually if

I'm honest didn't enjoy that interaction at all but there you go sometimes he's sweet as anything but other times he's just really draining so there you go I'm going to go thank you for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy do something nice for yourself today take care lots of love bye