#535 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep.

Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Just make sure I'm recording this. Is it recording? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.

So, I'll let you in on a secret. You can probably see the microphone. There's a microphone there.

There's a microphone here. And I'll just rearrange this a little bit. That's better.

Okay. My piggybacks, piggyback? My piggybanks at the top. Punch bags behind me.

I can't reach it. So, if you see me on a video coughing, you probably won't hear it because I will edit it out. Yeah, I think so.

In the audio, you won't hear it anyway. You might hear it. You might see it in the video.

I don't know. Anyway, so this is something, what is it? This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

I don't normally make videos, as those that follow me know. But I was looking in the mirror earlier, and I thought to myself, why should I be the only person to enjoy my aging process? Why should I be the only person to laugh at my funny face? Why not share it just for a comedy value? Just the gradual process of aging, and as my hair starts to fall out, and I get greyer, and just that kind of stuff. A lot to look forward to.

Oh, wow, wow. So much. So, I don't know if I'm going to do another one of these.

But I might. In fact, in fact, in fact, in fact, I might actually do more videos for the other stuff as well. Like the whisper, the relaxation, sleep hypnosis weekly.

I can't remember what else I do. But yeah, that stuff. So I might be doing more of that.

And part of the reason is because on YouTube, unless there's an actual video, people just generally don't listen. And then watch the video, even though the content might be really good. And it's just audio, because I've been uploading my podcasts to the, you know, uploading podcasts to YouTube for a couple of years now.

I do get people listening, I do. But it's such a small percentage compared to those that watch when my face is on there. And I don't understand it.

Because I prefer I would prefer not to look at me. You know, I prefer just to, I mean, so much of what I do involves, perhaps closing your eyes, then why would you need to see me? But maybe it's because you then know that I do actually exist. And I'm not just a robot with my robotic voice, asking you to close your eyes.

Do I sound like a robot? Do you? Do you do I do I do I? So this is gonna be something that I'm going to probably be doing a bit more of for a while. I'm trying to keep the video level about. Yeah, my nipples are about there.

So you might be thinking, why is he talking about his nipples so quickly in the video? Normally doesn't talk about his nipples for at least six minutes. Now the reason is because I get the illusion of slimness. I'm not going to show me belly.

Ever. You see that? I almost because I've got a black background, all that on the wall is soundproofing. The punch bags black.

The bookshelves are black, although there's some stuff on there. And I've got a black top on. The microphone stuff is black.

Even the headphones that I'm not wearing. Well, silver, but also black. So when I make a recording audio, I normally listen with the headphones.

Because then I can hear myself and I can hear what's going on. I realized I can hear myself now as well. But I can't hear what the audio system is recording.

Because although I'm doing this on the camera, the audio will be is recorded on my iPad. So I'll be putting them two together. So the quality of the audio with the decent microphones will be then sliced together into the video.

Because the audio levels quality actually, on the iPhone is not great, actually. It's okay for a video like your friends, family and sort of birthday parties and stuff like that. But not for the kind of stuff that I do, where it's all about the voice.

It's all about the auditory component. But in the same way, the iPhone, and probably other phones as well, is way better. The video is way better if you're outside during the day.

Beautiful picture inside 11 o'clock at night, with just a light above me. Not so great, but it's okay. I think.

I'm thinking that it's all right. So yeah, so that's what I've got. I'm using, I've got this whole setup here to my right.

And the only thing to really mess it up would be if someone knocks at the door. Because when I'm doing the audio, I can just pause it. But can't pause the recording.

Although to be fair, I could just stop it and then just make another recording and just slice it together again. It'd just be a little bit like, I'll be like that. And then the next, the next time I'll be starting there.

Doesn't really matter, does it, I guess. I'm not going for an Oscar. I'm really not.

Although I think a Peace Prize, I could probably go for that. They don't seem to be too fussy who they're the Nobel Peace Prizes. So I thought I could have a good chance.

Oh, they are. So I want to say thank you to nobody really. But nobody contact me at all.

At no, not much. Although now that I'm on YouTube again, I know I have been on YouTube. And I'm always on YouTube in a sense of I post my podcasts onto YouTube.

I'm now going to go on there a bit more often and try and respond to comments that I get. Because I'm being a bit lazy with that. I do apologize.

So I don't get a huge amount of feedback from my podcast listeners, which is okay. I mean, I like to think well, I like to think a lot of things. Blimey, do I have? Yeah, quite often reworked romantic adventures, you know, changed so that I actually came out good.

And it was successful. But yeah, and I like to, I forgot what I was talking about. Now.

There was something. Yeah. I think the last time I did a video, my beard was like, really big, like, you know, a bit like those remember those plasticine heads that you could squeeze and the hair would just pop out.

I was a little bit like that. But it was but it wasn't plasticine. It was actual hair.

It was matted and see, I thought I look good. Well, no, no, no, no, I've never thought that. I didn't think I look good.

But I thought I looked a little bit different. A little bit different than normal. And at my time of life, growing a big, bushy, dirty, smelly, stinky, sticky beard is quite an accomplishment.

It's, you know, something that I can. Admittedly, I'm not gonna write poetry about it. It's not that kind of, I'm not gonna put it in my journal.

But I feel I don't know, it's almost going through a pain barrier to have that. I'm very itchy. I mean, any, anyone listening to this will know that if you you shave parts of your body and it gets itchy.

So sometimes I shave my chest, like this is my chest. Look, I'm not like mega hairy, but I do have hairs. And now send me pictures of yours.

Pervy, pervy, pervy alert. No, so that so I don't know if you can really pick it up, but I'm quite I'm not hairy. I've got hairs, but it's not like it's it's not 70s porn.

You know, it's not quite you know, it's not Tom Selleck Magnum level. Or if you're old enough, Buck Rogers. Don't I look pleased with myself? I just said Buck Rogers.

The fact that I've just shown I'm incredibly old. Mind you, I remember the original Buck Rogers. Not for when it was originally originally on because I think that was like 1932.

I think it was the 50s. In fact, but I used to watch it. Because when I was young, I used to watch anything, anything and everything.

As long as I didn't have to talk to another person. I was happy. I watched telly honestly.

I mean, I would literally watch static. I would watch a television, you know, even as a power cut. Where's Jason? He's watching telly.

Yeah, I couldn't help it. I loved the television. Because it gave me something that no one else could give me some happiness.

When I was a kid, I don't know if I was a miserable kid. But I loved television. I did.

And I liked watching television with my brothers because they were quiet as well. You know, probably the closest I was really to my brothers is probably watching television, watching, you know, Saturday night television with the family. We used to watch.

Well, I didn't get a say in what we watched. I just had to watch what everyone else watched. And that was fine.

Didn't really care. But as long as no one was talking to each other, that was that's the trick. That is the trick of a happy family.

It's about communication is about no communication, none, no communication at all. Then you'll be happy. Probably not right, I'm only joking.

Yeah, joking. Yeah. Just jokes.

So jokes. I'm looking for a girlfriend. So if you fancy a sitting on my I got a bike.

I wonder if I know there's no way of doing it. I wish I could. If I press the thing.

No. Oh, look at that. Suddenly I'm brighter.

Wow, that's not right, is it? I didn't want that to happen. Hopefully go back to how it was. Sorry about that.

Wow. That's like really is almost like I say it's going back to what it was. I think it's almost like turn into a ghost.

It's a bit grainy, isn't it? It's not the best picture in the world. But what I'll do in the next video is maybe get the light out of the bedroom and shine that on my head. Or something like that.

I don't know. There's got to be ways I can get maybe in next the end of the month forever, I can get some lights lighting. I don't want to light myself up too much though, because I think it's good to be as invisible as possible.

If it's possible. I mean, it to be fair. I think once I hit 40, I became more invisible to women especially.

For 4040 was the was it 30? I was invisible until I was 20. Really 2525 is when I've 25 is when I really became a cane. I don't half look great my beard.

Now, you might say, but it's not the lightning Jason, it's actually your beard. It's got nothing to do with light. Light isn't gonna make you graze is gonna make me fat.

I'm gonna give you a big red nose is that it's used what you look like. I'm gonna give you bags under your eyes. The night in easy.

No, doesn't give you a big fat belly like a whale. I'm not saying that I'm saying, Oh, the lights back. Oh, it's that weird look from my hair like that.

I'm gonna hold my hand like that now. Nazi. So I'm not a Nazi, but I just want the lighting good.

I don't know. There was something I was saying, but I forget what it was. So I've got no messages to read out.

But if you do have any messages, that you'd like to say nice things, you know, not really interested in horrible things being said. Don't really see the point in that. But nice things.

Like a shout out. Yeah, hey, obvious. Give us a shout out to me and me, and me pig.

I live on a farm. And my pigs called days. And give a big shout.

She's very, very, very fond of your podcasts. And I'll do it. I'll say, Hey, Daisy, how are you? This is Jason.

Oh, that's a weird voice. Very weird. So, because I'm on here, doing the video, I don't, I can't use the phone, because the phone is being used to record me.

I can't use the iPod, because the iPods being used to record me as well. I suppose I could use the Kindle, but the Kindle is somewhere. And I can't move because I've got this camera basically in my face on a tripod, which is near my feet, I can't move my feet.

And I've got these microphones literally where my fingers end. So you can see a little bit of my phone there. And the other one's there, which is perhaps a little bit further away unless I am just just the one angled, but aimed at me head, or me at me math, math, math.

So I spent a lot. Oh, yeah, I should do some shout outs. So some shout outs.

I can't think of anybody. Well, I can think of people. But I'm going to do a shout out tomorrow.

Because then I'll have a list of people from Facebook, from YouTube. And if you would like me to give you a shout out, or read a message, I can. Or if you have any suggestions for stuff that you'd like me to do, as long as it doesn't involve nudity or eating healthy food.

All right. So I haven't done much today. Didn't even make a recording yesterday.

You know what? I haven't done one today either. Although this will be today's but it's 11. It'll be midnight before I finish this.

And then I'll upload it. And then that's it. But I'm quite pleased that I'm still getting even when I don't make a recording.

So if I do nothing, nothing at all, I get 5000 downloads a day. So that's good. It's nice to know that I don't need to make recordings every single day in order to keep the audience flapping, not flapping, listening, flowing.

That's the word I was flowing, flapping and flowing. They're very different words, aren't they? Oh, she's got a lovely flow. There's a book called flow.

The I think it's the science of success, I think. And it's I've read it years ago, like, late 90s. And the person who wrote it has got is like Nicholas or Nicola.

Chummy chinky. Oh, really, really long. I think it might be a Russian name chinky chinky chong chong.

Hecky pecky wacky. It's honestly hard to pronounce. I've never been great with pronouncing names.

Not all names. But those I struggled to pronounce. It's it's not through disrespect.

But you know what, of course, I don't respect someone because of their name. Yeah, but I don't. I don't sort of purposely show disrespect by pronouncing someone's name incorrectly.

But I just some names are just difficult. And when I was younger, when I was in my 20s, I used to work with a lot of people who were from other countries like Africa, mainly Africa in the early 20s. And then when I did security, majority effects, I would say out of the security guards I worked with, most of them were African.

And then late 90s, I worked with a lot of Eastern European like Polish, Russian, Chechnya. I don't know if that's such a place existed back then. I think it might be a new one in it.

What's those ones? Croatia, another one near Croatia. They didn't really like each other very much. So I worked with people all all over.

And I wasn't in Croatia. But they worked in the place that I worked. And I got on well pretty much with most of the people.

Although when I first started working at the comedy club, and I was only there really for beer money, I wasn't, you know, my friend is he said to me, Jason, I said, Yeah, do you want to be a DJ? So I said, What is it gonna be a DJ? I said, I don't know anything about it. He said, Yeah, no. So what do you mean, you know? Well, I know you don't know you don't know anything about anything.

It's a bit rude. Yeah, no. So do you want to be a DJ? So I thought, Yeah, all right.

So basically, I, I was there, I was his friend. So I went back the following week. And I was just doing a few bits and bobs.

And I was a DJ at the end of the night. As I said, it wasn't really for money. It was more just I was doing it for fun for social life.

For what it gave me was the first for the first time the social life really hadn't really had a social life apart from when I was working at Buck Lins. And that was probably the first ever time that I was drinking regularly. But it was like a staff room bar.

You know, so all the staff were there. I was working behind the bar in the venues at Buck Lins. And I really seem to get on with people, which surprised me because I'm not.

It's not that I'm not a people's person. But I'm not a person who spends a lot of time around people. These days even more because of the way things are.

So yeah, so when I was at the comedy club, all of the staff pretty much thought I was a spy, which is weird. I mean, eventually I thought, well, I'll put down the big magnifying glass and the pipe, and maybe people enjoy take the hat off, Inspector Clouseau, Mac. But they thought that they had to be careful around me because they knew the boss, the owner of the club was my friend.

So they were very wary of me. Wary. Oh, weary.

They were wary and then they became weary. I'm very bored very easily. Anyway, the first night, and this happened a few times, at the end of the night, all the staff would gather around for after work drinks.

And they'd all have a drink, and then they'd gather around in a circle. And they made a circle, leaving me out of the circle, which was not very nice. But fortunately, I got on really well with two people there, the doorman and the bar manager.

Johnny, the bar manager, literally walked in and separated people, let Jason in. And because I got on with him, he was lovely to me. And because I was very good friends with the doorman, pretty much from the start, people started to kind of accept me a little bit more, you know, because let's face it, the doorman and the bar manager, both have a big responsibility to keep an eye on the staff anyway, don't they? It's part of their job is to sort of keep an eye and make sure everyone, no one's stealing stuff or no one's misbehaving.

So that's part of their job. So I guess, because I was friends with them, they realised that I was okay. But, but if I'd have ever seen one person stealing of my friend, I would, I would have, I would have intervened.

That's the fact of the matter. But they didn't realise that. But the whole time I was there, all the staff were cool.

They didn't. And apparently my friend, he had had a lot of staff stealing off of him previous, in the past. But when I was there, and I think probably since, since I stopped being there, long time ago, 20 years ago, the, I don't think he had any problems with that either afterwards.

I wonder if people stopped stealing because I was there. That'd be weird. Mind you, I was a security guard before.

So I think I gave that, I gave, I came across as very, very stern and very, someone to, someone to respect, someone to look up to, someone with authority. No, no, I didn't. There was, I didn't have to intervene that much with, I didn't intervene with the staff at all.

Apparently, I got told off once for being a bit grumpy and a bit rude to the staff. I didn't mean to be. I was just really busy.

We were doing this really busy night. And the manager said, or, no, I think it was a number of, another waitress said, you're being rude. You're being rude to the waitresses and the waiting staff.

Wow. Didn't even know it. I didn't mean it at all.

So straight away from then, I, I remember I logged it in my brain from then on to really make my effort to be gentler and also to clock who grasped me up and make it my ambition to get them eventually. No, I shall get made of the avenge. So yeah, it was all right.

It was, it was a nice environment. I messed up a few times, more than a few times. You know, I actually, I, not dated, what's the right word when you're not courting, but you're trying to court somebody, you're trying to befriend them so that they will go out on a date with you, that kind of situation.

And I like this, this, she wasn't a girl, she was a woman, but she was like 22, 23, probably. And at the time, maybe less. And she, she was friends with me, but she didn't want to go out on me.

She was no, had no interest. And I just, I think I asked her and she said no. So I put, you know, put in my little book of revenge.

But then we became friends and became friends afterwards. And I think she had some problems getting home. Someone gave a hassle outside the club when she was walking to get the bus.

So my boss asked me to take her to the bus stop and wait with her until the bus got there and then go home myself, get my own, I used to get a taxi home. So I did that. So every weekend for probably a few months, I would walk her to the bus stop.

So we kind of got to know each other even better. And eventually we went out on a date and we went to Leicester Square. It was a Saturday afternoon.

We were working in the evening. So there was no pressure. There was no chance of, yeah, there's no chance of any awkward goodbyes or anything like that.

It was really, we'll go out. And I went out in the afternoon, maybe late, late morning, maybe. And then left at maybe four.

I went home and then I came back for seven or whatever, I think. Or I might just come straight to work. I don't know.

We might just come straight to work together. But we went out, we had lunch, had pictures taken in the photo booth. And it was lovely, really nice day.

I went to a video shop. I got some stand up comedian videos, because I'd lost my collection. So I was trying to build my collection back again.

And it's really nice. And went to work. She seemed really happy.

I seemed really happy. How do you seem really happy to yourself? I don't know. Anyway, obviously, I was pretty good, pretty good.

Worked the whole evening. And then it was time to make that little circle, have a drink, everybody in a big circle. And she was sitting, she came sat next to me something she didn't normally do.

And she held my hand, which is something she'd never done before. So she held my hand. Don't know why I'm saying that.

She held my hand. I have photo proof. I did not instigate anything, Your Honour.

She held my hand. And the manager came down, and I pulled away from her. Because I didn't want anyone to know my business.

I didn't know really what was going on there. But I had never dated any of the waitresses. It's one of my little rules I had.

It's a very silly rule, actually. Actually, I did date one of the waitresses, but it was before I worked there. In 91, I dated a German girl who worked there.

And I asked her out and she said no. And I liked her, kind of. I liked her less after she said no, but she was nice.

So I used to see her every week. I think this is September. And at the time, I'd just split up with my girlfriend.

So I kind of didn't care. I wasn't, you know, I think I'd asked her out before I was with my girlfriend. And then split with my girlfriend.

In that September, I said, do you want to go out? She said no. I said, if I did, I said, I think I just said to her, look, if I go up and sing a song, and I sing it well, will you come out with me tomorrow night? And she said, no. I said, yes, I will go out with you.

She said, tomorrow night, if you sing well. I couldn't understand why she was talking like that, to be fair. So I sung Teddy Bear, Elvis Presley's version, as opposed to, I don't know anyone else has ever sung a song called Teddy Bear.

There hasn't been, has there? Well, John ain't done it. Beethoven didn't do it. No, I don't think anybody.

I'm not saying nobody ever in the whole world of life sung Teddy Bear, because I sang it. But I'm talking about as a kind of, you know, a record, like selling. I just want to be your teddy bear.

So I did that. I said, I'll tell you what, you got to imagine me 30 years ago, okay? I was like, I'll tell you what, if I sing on stage, the karaoke, and you think it's good, and I sing well, will you go out with me tomorrow? And I was like, please? And I cried a little bit, you know, do what you can. Just knocked the microphone.

And she said, yes. So I did, went on, sung the song, sang it, made it to her, you know. So I just, that went well.

Well, that did. And then I went out with her. And it's quite weird, because I wasn't interested in, at that point, because I just split with my girlfriend.

I didn't kind of care. I couldn't really, I don't think I was able to emotionally get hurt by rejection. Just wasn't, I didn't.

For me, I just wanted to go out. And I thought it'd be nice to spend time with her, because I liked her. But I wasn't expecting anything.

And I remember, I called on her house. I didn't call on her house. How do you call on someone's house? Or her house? I knocked on the door, I think, either that or I met her.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I knocked, I met her at train station, I think, or tube station.

And then I took her to the worst comedy club in London. It was the diviest, okay, not worst, as I used to go there. So I didn't think it was the worst.

But it was for a date. If you're going to go on a date, right, it's not the best place to have gone. It was called the Comedy Pit.

And it was in Streatham, South London, which is just near Brixton. And it was a pub. And I think it was, it was either downstairs or upstairs, I forget, of the pub.

But it was the Comedy Pit. And I used to perform there quite a lot. So I liked the place, but it was not somewhere to take a date.

And there's probably about five people in there, the audience. There's more acts, more comedians than audience members. So I go in there and I didn't perform.

We were drinking. So I think I actually had wine. I think I probably just had wine as well.

And she said to me, she actually said to me, I'm not I'm not sleeping with you tonight. And I said to her, I don't care. I don't care.

And she seemed surprised. But I genuinely didn't care. I wasn't bothered.

I was not interested. Because not only was going to the Comedy Pit the most, the least romantic thing to do for her, it was the least romantic thing to do for me. I didn't feel romantic.

I was in this dive. And I didn't feel like I was on a date. I was just there with a friend really.

That's what it felt like. But it was something about me saying I didn't care. Her attitude changed towards me.

So yeah, and what she said she wasn't going to do, she did do. But I didn't instigate anything. And it weird.

Is there a key on that table? Oh, yeah. So waitresses, I didn't. That's a hole in my top.

I didn't. I purposely didn't get involved in the waitresses because partly they saw what I was up to. When I was there, because I was not up to but I was having fun.

It was very social. It's a little social experiment for me. And I imagine most of the waitresses wouldn't want to go anywhere near me.

Not anywhere near me. That's not the right thing. But basically, if I started dating a waitress, then being a DJ would be almost pointless.

It just wasn't the point. So I wasn't really that bothered about having a girlfriend during those years. And right at the end, just before I left and I moved away, I moved to where my nan lived, because she'd broken a hip and I wanted to be closer to her because I didn't know how long left she had.

As it turned out, she had a long, quite a long time left. But so I moved and there was this lady, she was young, she was a lot younger than me, I think she was about 21. And I was 31 when I left.

So it's about 10 years difference. But she liked me. I don't know why.

And I couldn't figure it out. Because she seemed to really like me. I didn't.

This is weird. She's not drunk. The lights are on so she can see what I look like.

She's not looking through beer or wine goggles at me. She still likes me. And my legs are creaking.

And she made it very clear that she liked me. I won't tell you how, but she verbally I mean, she made it very clear. But I didn't do anything.

And I do regret that. I don't want to say do anything. I mean, just exchanging telephone numbers, that would have been a start, you know, saying, and I have these little fantasies.

I'm not going to share all of them with you. But I have these little fantasies where I sort of would say to her, look, move, move with me, come and live with me. I'm moving, come and move in with me, you know.

And at the time, initially, I didn't have much money because I was starting a new job in sales. But I do wonder if I'd have actually had a relationship, whether or not that would have helped me in keeping that job and I'd had a reason. Because I was never enough of a reason for myself to, pushing through, there's a certain level of pushing through that I kind of didn't see the point.

But if I'd have been a parent, I would definitely still be working, I'd be working if I was a parent, you know, with or without bipolar and stuff that was going on with me, I would, you know, I'd be supporting that child. But I don't have any kids, nearly did, had a DNA test. But it turned out that my dad is my dad.

This doesn't make sense really, considering what I was talking about. Yeah, I nearly had children. I had, I personally think there is a child out there.

There's a lady called Michelle. So if you've got a mum called Michelle, I think her name is Michelle. If you've got a mum called Michelle, and you look like me, hopefully you're not a girl, because that'd be, you wouldn't want to look like me being a boy.

But you know, if you, I say a boy, now you would be 25 years old, 20, probably 24, 24 years old, probably by now. It's a long time. And so there's a chance that just, there's a chance that I might, I don't know, I just had a feeling, you know when you get a feeling, a feeling, just like, hmm, I think something happened there.

And yeah, but you know, I don't know. But I reckon if you are, you know, even if you do think that maybe it might be my son or my daughter, I just let you know that no maintenance, there's no financial gain to get in contact with me. You know, there's no, you know, I'm not a lich, I don't have any money.

But, and I'm not full of love either, so I don't know if I can give any love. What can I do? No, I can't. I can send an email now and then, just happy birthday, Christmas and all that stuff.

The perfect parent. No, it would be quite nice to have a child out there, just, you know, in case I ever need an organ, new kidney or, you know, it'd be nice someone with my DNA. I mean, the only one I've got really is my little brother, but I've kept in contact with him, but I haven't told him that's the reason.

But I don't know, I mean, I'm not saying that I wish I had a child for spare parts, that's not saying that, that's not what I'm saying. But it'd be weird. I did for years and years and years actually think that I had a baby out there, because a girlfriend who I was with, we split up and then we met up in 1993.

And I went and visited her, she was a nurse and we had a very nice time together. And then I came home. And she contacted me saying that she thought she was pregnant.

She'd been pregnant previously. So she knew what it felt like. And then we're talking 93, no internet, very easy to lose contact with people back then.

Lost contact with her, not through, it wasn't because I moved to a different part of the country, changing my name or anything like that. No, I didn't do that. I didn't, honestly.

No, I didn't. But she, you know, she just, I tried to contact her, phoned the hospital, everything. And then eventually, I didn't have a mobile phone or anything back then, it was just using my landlady's phone or using the phone box.

And eventually I just got fed up and gave up. And for years and years and years, I actually wondered whether or not I had a child, whether I actually had a son, or a daughter. And a couple of years ago, I got a Facebook message from someone.

It was the lady that I was dating. Well, my ex-girlfriend from all that time ago. She was my girlfriend in 91.

And then we met up again in 93. And then that was it. And she said, is it you? I said, yeah.

What other answer is there today? Is it you? No, not me. It's not me. Someone like, did you fart? No.

I was like, yeah. Yeah, it's me. She said, oh, how are you doing? I said, yeah, I'm all right.

So I sent her a couple of messages. One was the message is, did you have a baby? I just went straight to the point. Because you told me that you thought you were pregnant.

Did you have it? Because she said, I've got two kids. I said, how old are they? And she said something that she was a bit rude. But she basically said that they definitely were not my children.

Okay. So for years, years and years, I actually thought I might have been a papa. But I wouldn't.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't a parent. Which is all right.

I suppose. As I got older, and discovering, you know, my mental health, diagnoses, and stuff like that. I kind of was a bit grateful that I hadn't reproduced another little version of myself.

Because that wouldn't really be fair. I don't think so. At least I don't.

I feel guilty about that. Another little Jason running around. I'd be 24.

Mind you. Yeah, there's no, there's no, there's not a chance. I don't think of any others.

No, I don't think so. Sounds like that cliche, isn't it? I don't have any children. Nor that I know of.

But I genuinely wondered if whether or not I had a child. And I still do for the other one. Michelle, her name is Michelle.

I think it was her name. But that was just a drunken thing. But again, I can't explain why I think it but there's a valid reason.

Valid, valid reason. Apart from what happened. She took off.

She left. She sort of almost disappeared afterwards. I mean, she didn't want to do what a lot of my girlfriends had done.

She didn't run off and join a nunnery and become a nun. You know, vow of chastity and all that stuff. That's happened a few times, but she didn't do that, I think.

So I don't know. I do wonder. She was a great singer.

Really good singer. She was a good singer. I can't remember.

When's the last time? I'm thinking of karaoke now, not... Karaoke I'm thinking of. Although that probably did sound a bit like me doing karaoke. I just want to be your teddy bear.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Baby, yeah.

All you do is always on my mind. I'm a little man so I put a few fine. I don't really want to do this stuff on videos much easier if I don't but I used to have a popular YouTube channel and people expect videos to expect it.

Damn. You know what happened? I've got recordings that I do with music and I wouldn't see YouTube, as I said, I rarely go on there but I had all of these, what on earth is that, I think aliens on the telly. Yeah, I, oh yeah, YouTube, I went on to YouTube and I had loads of copyright things where this person had flagged the music videos, which you can only do it really with music, it flagged the music as being their own music, which meant that they could add their own adverts to those videos.

So for, well firstly, the music was by Kevin MacLeod, which is open source music available for everyone to use and I also put in his information in there as well. So what I did today is I deleted all of those recordings, any recording with background music that I've done in the last two years, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. So if I do do a relaxation session or deep sleep with spa recording on a video, I will also be making versions with music but it'll only be available on my podcasts, won't be available on YouTube.

I'm not going to have anything with background music on YouTube at all, apart from sort of stuff from 10 years ago or 12 years ago or whatever. So that's it. I've been chatting for an hour about nothing, it's weird, you're weird, no, you're weird, you're weirder, not as weird as you.

At least I don't change my socks every day. What's weird about that? It's just hygienic. What are you talking about? It's really much weirder.

You can have a conversation with yourself when you're on a podcast, but when there's a video, video in it, and then you're talking to yourself, it just seems stranger than it was before. You'd be very judgmental though, wouldn't you? I'm not judgmental. Yeah, I think you are.

I'm not. Yeah, I think you are. Why would you say that I'm judgmental? Why? How did you get that out of what I just said? I think you're just judgmental.

You've got a superior complex. Maybe that's because I am superior to you. I don't know why you do that fake laugh.

Was I fake? Yes, it was. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. How do we know who's talking? We don't.

I mean, at least if you're going to do a conversation, have two different voices. You mean like this? Yeah, like that. But not like that.

It's just ridiculous. No one talks like that. No one talks like that.

What, like this? No, nobody talks like this either. What about this? Do you talk like this? No. What about this? I think this is a really nice voice.

I don't know if that's true or not. But I would hasten to guess that my voice is probably the best. You think the jar voice is the best? Yeah, I do.

I really do. Oh. I am not sure if that's true or not.

Because in a way, in a way, I sometimes think that it might not be true in the same way that a rainbow may not have a pot of gold at the end of it. What are you talking about? I am talking about a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Yeah, I understood what you were saying.

But why are you saying it? I'm not sure. I just wanted to contribute to the recording because I felt left out of it. Yeah, okay.

Thanks. That is my pleasure. Please send my love to Andre, won't you? Yeah, I will.

Thanks. No, thank you. Yeah, alright.

Andre, before I just started this recording, you've got this new thing, right? It's not new, but it's becoming a habit. I take him out for a walk. He doesn't want to be outside.

We get as far as the park, and he walks back. He refuses to walk, and then if I start walking towards him, he'll walk back and he wants to get home. As soon as I get in the front door, I take his lead off.

I put him on the floor. He starts jumping up and down, doing somersaults, looking at me and then running away. Looking at me, running away, running towards me, biting my foot and running away again.

Running into the kitchen behind the cooker. He basically wants me to chase him. No energy outside.

As soon as he gets in, Mr. Energy Bunny, so much energy, and he's been doing it more and more. It's almost as if he's disturbing me, scratching, so I go out into the hallway to see what he's doing, and then he runs into the kitchen. That's his new thing.

That's what he loves doing. Oh, bless him. Oh, dear.

I can't believe how grey my beard is. Look at that. Proper grey, isn't it? Mmm.

Oh, that feels nice. Oh. I might get that Just For Men darkener, which you can make your beard dark.

I might do that for a laugh, just for fun, and maybe keep it like that and do the same with my hair and have jet black hair forever. It literally looked like I put boot polish on my hair. I've met people like that, and you know that they're in their 40s, 50s, whatever.

They should not have jet black hair. It's just wrong. It doesn't suit them.

It's not supposed to happen in reality. I think Tom Jones was one of those. Suddenly, he allowed himself to go grey.

You know? It was literally overnight. It was grey. I mean, that was a stressful weekend.

Or he just stopped dyeing his hair. I think he said, I've stopped dyeing my hair. I've stopped dyeing my hair because... That's Tom Jones.

Whoa. Hey. Yay.

I've stopped dyeing my hair. I'm not trying to think how he talked. I stopped... I stopped drying my hair because I was 70.

In fact, he's about 89, isn't he now? 90? 70? He's got to be older than my... Yeah, he's got to be older than my dad. Maybe the same age. He's got to be in his 70s, though.

Not unusual to... Anyway, I'm going to go. Thank you. So, the whole point of these recordings is that I just bore you and I waffle on for an hour and then you go to sleep and we forget it ever happened.

A bit like a date. A bit like romance. A bit like a relationship with me.

Try and forget it ever happened. Let's move on with our lives. So, I'm going to go.

So, thank you for listening and watching. If you're watching on YouTube. And remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.