#473 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Louisland. This is Let Me Boy To Sleep with Jason and Audrey. I'm raising my arms, cuddling me like a little baby.

I feel like I'm a dirty witness. So I'm breastfeeding him right now. It's a mixture of extreme closeness and extreme pain.

Can you hear those teeth? Keep suckling my son. Keep suckling. That's it.

I feel close to you. Dear Jason, I can't believe you started a recording that's to be helpful to people to get to sleep by talking about breastfeeding a ferret. I think that's disgusting.

It's out of order. I can't even speak. I'm so shocked.

You're just jealous. In all fairness, did I say only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes? If I didn't, then I just did. Heyo, heyo, heyo my little baby.

Right, it's 5.39am and he's just woken me up. Well, about 10 minutes ago and he woke me up proper. He did everything he could to wake me up.

You want to get down, do you? Don't you want to sniff my groin? That's lovely. Yep, this really is going in the wrong direction. Okay, down you go.

Good boy. Go away. Yeah, I woke up to him biting my toes.

Now I wear socks. It's not because I want to wear socks. In fact, what I wouldn't give, I wouldn't give anything but I'd like to be able to not wear socks.

But with him around, I have to wear socks. It's just one of those things, you know, because he will bite my toes. He can't help himself.

Not my toes, don't you? You say, well, just put your feet in some slippers and then you'll... No, it'll go for my ankles, tops of my feet, backs of my feet. Anything, any part that wasn't covered by the sock or that would be covered by the sock, he goes for. And at least when he bites, when I've got socks on, he grabs the material.

Usually, he doesn't always, sometimes he does nip me. So that's what I woke up to. And then he came over, he started attacking my hand.

Started biting in between my finger and thumb. And I thought he was... Basically, what he does, he does it the same way he does when he's doing the slipper. He grabs that.

But he's a bit more gentle with me, I think. But I mean, when he grabs, I don't mean anything else he does. I'm just talking about when he grabs the slipper.

And I was having none of it because I was half asleep. So I grab him back. So what I do in these situations, I thought he was just, you know, a bit frisky or a bit whatever.

But he wanted to have a fight with me. So I did, I gave him a fight. So I was grabbing him, nipping his neck, like just a bit of a saggy bit, but I nip his neck because he bites me.

I can't bite him, so I just nip him instead. And had a fight with him. I beat him.

I did. But I started nipping, but I don't nip hard. I just hold him so he can't move.

He doesn't like that. And then I put my finger in his mouth and I held him. It's like he just, all that stuff, he doesn't like it because he's not in control.

And it might sound horrible. Trust me, I've been I've been doing this for five years. He taught me how to fight with him.

I didn't know how to do it. He taught me. He did.

I know exactly how to deal with him. Because he taught me, he showed me himself. And he doesn't do it very often.

He used to do a lot when he was a kid, when he was little. He used to love a right tear up, honestly. It'd be on the bed and he'd be hurting himself at me.

Really trying to cause me damage and I'd hold him back, hold him up by his neck and stuff like that. He'd pretend to give up. Two things he does to pretend that he gives up.

Now ferrets aren't supposed to pretend that they give up, they're supposed to actually give up. He pretends. Okay, and I was shown this when I first got him, is when they're being naughty, pick them up by the back of the neck.

A bit like how the parents would do when they're little babies. And they yawn. Doesn't hurt them because they've got that loose skin in the back of the neck anyway.

It's still, it's always there. They don't like it because they lose control. They can't do anything.

And they yawn. And that's them submitting. You don't have to carry them, you can just drag them along the floor or along the settee.

You don't have to actually pick them up. As long as you grab them by the back of their neck to a point where they can't do anything, can't move around, can't bite you, can't do anything. They yawn, which means they submit.

And then they go on and do their thing. They leave you alone. He does that.

So he's perfect, pitch perfect right up to that point. He does that. He'll yawn to give up.

And I put him down and he goes back to doing exactly what he was doing. So he doesn't quit. He doesn't give up.

Another thing he does is, if I'm wrestling with him, and I do have a little bit of a physical advantage, just a tiny bit. And he starts, what he does, if he's had enough and he can't get out, he licks, he starts to lick me. So if I've got him with one hand, he starts like so, you know, he's sort of upside down, but he can't get out.

He's not being pinched or anything. He's just there. So he starts to lick my finger.

That's his way of submitting. So he doesn't yawn in that situation because he can still move around a bit. But, you know, I haven't got him, you know, it's more of a different kind of submission.

So as soon as I take my hand away, as soon as I let him go, he attacks me again. Like instantly. It's that little licking of the thing.

He does that. So I let go and then he attacks me. So he's a cheat, basically.

That's what I'm saying. He's a little cheat. No morals.

Morals of a politician. No morals. Morals of a policeman.

Morals of a junkie. He's got no morals at all. Nothing.

No morals. He's a ferret, so he's not supposed to, I guess. But he just doesn't seem to have that fair play.

I don't think he, he don't get it. I didn't want to beat him in the morning, just, you know, in bed earlier. I didn't beat him.

I won the fight because I held him down and he couldn't move. He licked my finger and then he attacked me again. And so instead of pulling my finger away, I just put my finger in his mouth as he was biting me and just held his mouth.

He didn't like that. And in the end, he walked, ran away, going, he ran off. The thing is, normally he jumps off the side of the bed.

He actually went to the bottom of the bed and ran off, jumped off there. He was so annoyed with me. He didn't want to be near me just because I didn't let him win.

Don't wake me up at 5.30 in the morning or 4, 5.20, 5.15 in the morning and expect me to let you win a fight like that. And it makes me wonder how often he gets on that bed and messes with me when I'm asleep. Seriously, because I had a dream.

Isn't it weird? I can never say that sentence. I can never say that sentence without thinking of the Wizard of Oz. So I had that.

I had a dream where I was asleep, but I woke up. I was kind of half awake and I felt this thing on my neck. It was part of the dream as well, which is so annoying.

So I was asleep, dreaming, yet I was also partially awake. So I think what it was is, so I don't know, unless I've got, I mean, to be fair, it felt more like a mess of snakes. I know they've got a snake hiding in their room somewhere.

Possible, couldn't it, I suppose. But the only one that needs to worry about that is Andre, really, not me. Mind you, he'd give a good old gun at a snake.

He'd love a snake. He'd have the time of his life until he became supper. So I think basically what happened is Andre must have just lied down on my neck.

Or on my face, because he's done it before. He's just crawled over my head while I'm asleep, while I'm pretending to be asleep. The thing is, I kind of wake up and I'm a bit startled.

It wasn't nice, actually. It was not a nice little bit of a dream. It was like, oh, what's this thing? I get up, turn the light on, and Andre's in his carrier bag, which is where, can you believe, in a heatwave, he sleeps in a carrier bag.

Honestly, they could figure out why he does anything. He was sleepy. Well, he was in his carrier bag, but he's had his eyes closed.

I think he was pretending to be asleep. Because I've seen him move that quick before. I've seen him jump off my bed when I've been awake, and I get up, and he's just fast asleep somewhere.

He's literally gone and ran, and he's just gone to sleep, but he's not really asleep. Can't be. He'd kind of fallen asleep within, what, 20 seconds, half a minute.

It took me to sort of come around and turn the light on. Maybe it was a minute. I don't know.

It's hard to tell, but I think that was him. Well, who else would it be? Very annoying. So that was a weird way to wake up.

It's weird. I actually feel a bit coldy, a little bit sniffly today. I did last night as well.

I'll tell you, man, if I really go out, if I catch that stupid bloody virus, just for having gone to the garage to get some milk, seriously, or letting my friend up for a cup of coffee, if I get the virus from now, I'm going to kill in spree or something. It's going to do my head in, because I've stayed away. I've been so good for most of this year, apart from a couple of, apart from during the height of it, when I had that party with 70 friends from all over the country, all over the world, in fact, all mingling together and rubbing each other, rubbing each other, rubbing each other's backs.

That's it. Apart from that, and admittedly, I mean, some of the, I've always been quite creative when it comes to drinking games. So, you know, there was one that was sneezing each night.

Of course, it's a, if you, you have a drink, and whoever drink, you start drinking a pint, whoever drinks last, whoever finishes it last, has to sneeze in everyone else's mouth, something like that. It was very creative. And there is the yes.

What are you doing Andre? Seriously, mate, you're scratching you better not have fleas. That's going to be annoying. It's going to be expensive as well.

I don't have the money, mate. I might have to get you adopted. Oh, don't lick that.

You know, people say that, well, I would if I could, when they see cats and dogs doing what they do. I don't know if I would, if I'm honest. One of those things I did try when I was a kid, not a kid, a teenager, you know, there was a spinal issue, obviously.

Not a spinal issue, but a spinal restriction. I must, I don't know, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 when I did it, when I last did it, when I last tried it. Yeah, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 32, such a long time ago, 33, 33, 38, 40.

I'm thinking I might have damaged my lower back. You can't, I can't go to the doctor or the chiropractor, optician or whatever person that does your back. So, I think I can't.

Have you injured your back in any way? Well, I have, but it's been a gradual process. The chiropractor actually said to me, you've worn your lower back, you've worn out your lower back and it only really hurts on one side, just on the left side. But that's why I used to think it was in like my hips, but it's my back.

So he said, you've worn out your lower back. I said, well, okay. Didn't want to explain how.

It's annoying. I mean, for me, it's kind of a yogic thing. I mean, I don't know, when I heard that, it was like almost the tip of the iceberg.

I've got to look here. So, I think I can't. My back.

I'm drinking ice cold water. I've got these bottles of water that are in the fridge. Well, it was in the fridge, it's not in the fridge now.

And I'm sure I heard somewhere that it's not healthy to drink really, really cold water. I'm going to drink some now while you can hear, listen to me drink. Whether it's healthy or not, it's nice.

Oh, it's nice. I used to be, I used to say, yeah, well, the best thing to do is to have a nice hot cup of tea. That'll cool you down.

Yeah, sure. Okay. Okay.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yep. No, it doesn't.

Cup of coffee, cup of tea, cup of tea when it's hot, doesn't cool you down. Putting hot liquid into your body is not going to cool you down. Putting cold liquid on the outside of your body is more likely to cool you down.

and maybe some cold liquid on the inside of your body maybe what liquid people replying to that saying yeah it does work yeah it might I don't care if it doesn't know or now there goes a plastic bowl piping up oh did you not get enough attention did you not feel that you was a star at a show mr. ball no I drunk out of you I drunk you talked about how cold you were I wasn't enough we're gonna start tap dancing now where huh huh mr.

wannabe showbiz did you hear that touche I never understood what touche means I can't get the grasp of what it means but I've never looked it up but I've seen it used hundreds and thousands of times or heard it used you want to give me cuddles again you're too hot in here there's nothing I can do mate he wants me to take him out for a walk and admittedly it probably would be a bit colder they'd probably be cool enough for him at this time in the morning to go for a walk but not doing

it you know I'd like to do I'd love I'd love to be able to walk around topless in public it's not something that most adults do anyway is it I'd like to be able to I suppose feel body confident it's not about looking good is it cuz plenty of people do it don't look good it's about body confidence I guess or just confidence wouldn't to not give it not give her a damn but I just think I look in a mirror and I think I want to inflict that on other people just doesn't seem fair

I tell you the one thing I like is it's a little bit shallow you know I'm not I'm not really shallow person you know some people are all about the boobies and all about the you know the opposite sex or the same sex and all about money and clothes and stuff like that and statements and always wanna you know it's about vanity for some people and it's not like that for me it's all about the tits it's not it's not it's not and here's my little vanity thing that I do I well it is but

anyway I here's what I do I because I'm quite big up top become quite busty and you know my body is top-heavy really literally I don't know how big my bum is I think it might be massive but I don't know I can't see it but as I said before I do here's a test to see if you've got a big bum sit on the floor if your head's touching the ceiling you might have a big bum so I and it's okay that's the weird thing if you for women maybe for men as well I

don't know but there's cultures that love big bums there's cultures that love big women you know like it's big and that's not expressed in the magazines and the newspapers and the media you know they don't they don't show although they start to a little bit more now you may not might not be where you are but here they start to show plus-size models in adverts and which I think they started to realize finally these adverts that if they're gonna show someone really really skinny or really slim the perfect figure then their target audience is gonna

be teenagers basically who don't have any money probably a school or in their first job or a college university or maybe women in their early 20s they probably don't have any money because they're still young and they're not getting paid what they should be getting paid because everyone should be equal yeah I'm a socialist I'm equalist I think men and women should be treated equally people of all ages should be I do how generally now I remember I was in this I did a trial in this shop and this young girl she was lovely you

know she's really friendly to me and she said to me in front of her boss do you think it's she said to me oh I wasn't getting paid anything to the trial if I had it got paid I'd have got paid more than her because I was older she said do you think it's right that I get paid but four pound forty five an hour yeah you'll get paid so eight or seven fifty or whatever it was back then an hour just because you're older and I said no I don't think it's fair I feel

I should get three times as much as you she didn't like that and what I said is well do you think it's fair that you get four pound forty five an hour and I get nothing I said to her no I don't think it's fair I think you should get paid if you're doing the same job as anyone else you should get paid however I do believe in promotion I do believe in raises and I do believe that if someone works for the longer someone works somewhere the more they should get paid why should someone

just start in doing a job get paid the same as someone has been doing it for ten years at the same company there should be a reward for dedication or for commitment that's what I think it's not about the person's yeah the person might be doing the same job but you stuck with that imagine it if people leave every year that's costing that company thousands of pounds every year to recruit so you stayed with them so I think loyalty should be rewarded if not by promotion that's why I'm not I don't like this whole applying

for jobs internally of course you apply for a job when you first start to get to a company but the idea of applying for jobs internally I'm not a fan of that I think it should but then I suppose there's a fairness in there but there's not really because I like the idea of being promoted and some people say yeah but if you if you allow everyone to apply then only the best person will get the job no the person that was going to get promoted would get the job if that person applied because that's

the person that the company wants but unless who else applies in the company they've you know you see what I mean they know who they want quite often it's gonna be someone that they get on with it's not always gonna be the person that's best for the job but if you get on with someone you're gonna work better as a team so even though that person might be brilliant at their job they might be complete pain and you know they may not be able to communicate very well which means it's boring why am I talking

about this well anyway I said to her no what actually are you doing Andre he's gonna now is he gonna scratch at the front door no yeah yeah he is a scratcher at the front door at 11 past 6 in the morning you know what I don't actually care let him get on with it let him get on with that that's what he wants to do not gonna affect me it's not ideal when I'm making a recording but ultimately I didn't care what he does you do what you do because you do it that's the

bottom line you do what you do because you do it why don't you do what you do and you did what you did to me oh see what you did there that was crazy for you you crazy for me I'm sure I've got some messages to read out but my phone is I don't know where my phone is somewhere so I'm not gonna read the well I just sneezed twice there you may be thinking why would a very quiet sneezes I haven't left it in the recording they were loud Wow that's strange so yeah I

don't know what I was talking about something and now I've moved on to something else and bloody bloody blah a lot of the countries had these storms the country of the UK of England that had these storms UK other places Scotland and Wales I think and there's been nothing here other than the heat I say here I mean where I live I don't mean in my living room yeah I mean there's been nothing I don't think I'd sleep through it I really don't I'm a light sleeper generally but I know that everybody regardless of whether

they believe it or not we all sleep at certain times we sleep where we can't be woken where you're just gone you're just completely you know muscles are completely relaxed and you're basically paralyzed you're not paralyzed in a bad way but you just I mean the reason your body does that is so that you don't injure yourself when you sleep so you don't fall out of the bed and all that stuff to keep you still and I guess that would be part of the how we've evolved over years because you think about it back in

the old days and if you go back far enough we'd be sleeping in forests and jungles and stuff like that and we'd have to keep completely quiet perhaps be covering ourselves with leaves and would need to keep completely still so that the elephants didn't tread on us I don't know you know just thinking so because it's not only animals like cats and dogs and ferrets and crocodiles and all those other different animals that have evolved and they've still got some of those things that they use well crocodiles are exactly the same and they're just there

they are dinosaurs and that's the thing the idea that all dinosaurs got extinct though crocodiles and alligators they are dinosaurs they are dinosaurs one of the things that dinosaurs first lizards as well and things that would have been around yeah so it's that big lizard the really big one and bastard is it lamb la la la la brumba no what is it I forget it's a massive thing but it moves very slow if it gets show you I think it's quite poisonous and the you basically yeah you'd have to just sit down on the floor

and out to get you know it's very slow bit like a zombie in a wheelchair you know it's kind of if it gets to you it will obviously cause problems but as long as you can stand up the stairs zombie in a wheelchair oh my goodness I wonder if I'll get away with that you never see a zombie in a wheelchair do ya?

all of these zombie films just think about it oh I don't know I suppose it's different isn't it I don't know I suppose maybe what you can do when you're alive and what you can do when you're zombified completely two different things because there's no logic is there but but but but the idea behind the zombie is the only part your brain that's really active is the the it's almost the dinosaur part your brain that just wants to eat and the rest of your the rest of your body's on automatic but if the spinal cord

didn't work before it's not gonna work afterwards either I don't reckon because the body still needs to work in the same way it's the same way as if you were a zombie if you if you oh I'll stop talking about zombies blimey I thought it was something nice like flowers flowers and lilies and sunshine on a rainy day and that rain dribbling dribbling over the flowers face yeah I reckon it must be quite nice to be flowers in the summer well maybe not a summer well yeah maybe the summer this summer on a day like

today when it's raining just to have those cool droplets of rain shooting over your face just dripping all over you covering you and you can open your mouth and have a little drink you know I mean just let it just drip all over you and must be lovely for that flower to feel that massage of its face it's petals and it's little leaf I don't know what leafs and thorns or whatever the flower might have it must be lovely must really be nice yeah so this is gonna be a little bit of a shorter version

as normal which is okay it's all right we've done that don't all have to be an hour and a half or an hour and 20 minutes this is gonna be about 47 minutes or 46 minutes long so it's one of the shortest ones I've done for a while but that's okay it's all right it don't matter it's just this is just the to be fair really if you're still listening then technically I haven't really done my job have I if I haven't bored you to sleep and you're still listening to this thinking what's you gonna

say next then yeah I've kind of failed in some way yes yeah a little bit sniffly today you know what it could be though what it could be yes I'm in bed and I've got me boobs out so I'm topless and got the window open so when I'm asleep I'm not perhaps gonna notice the cold because the temperature is gonna drop I went to bed quite early last night probably about 11 and yeah about 11 something like that and I say that the temperature would dropped down quite a lot at one point maybe you know

three o'clock maybe to a point where I needed to be covered up and because I was asleep I didn't didn't put the bed covers over myself so I might have kind of had a little bit of coldness you know in me bones in me old bones don't forget you know I'm nearly 90 now I have to be careful that's really weird you know it's only a couple of weeks ago that I was in bed with me jumper on I had the heating on about three weeks ago I'm not joking which is lucky because it's not

a very funny joke is it yeah I did it's cold I'm not one to just sit here and be cold I'm really not at the same time yeah I was gonna say is being about being top-heavy the one good thing about this weather is I can wear shorts and I've got nice legs well not nice but they're slim slim legs not skinny slim so people can see that I'm not really I think that could just see my legs and I can make of it what they want but and here's a little is a little message

to everyone that thinks that fat people are fat you know or the fat people are weak you know what someone that weighs let's have a look someone that weighs I don't know what a heavy weight is I'm a hundred kilos or so that's not that heavy really but someone weighed let's say 300 kilos compared to someone that weighed a hundred kilos providing that person can walk they say 200 kilos I think 300 kilos would be I'd be like an elephant wouldn't it I don't know big very big just fine trying to think someone twice my

size 15 that'd be 30 31 32 stone or something like that so yeah I'd just be too big so not to everyone it's a lovely lovely weight if that's your weight I'm just saying generally a lot of some people would have physical issues at that weight but anyone that could walk and was able to walk normally their legs are stronger than yours so there you go unless of course you're like a weight lifter or something power lifter because if the legs if legs can carry around let's say you know 20 25 stone body most people

mean some some people can pull it off and they'd be because they're just big you know sort of Tyson Fury I know I talk about boxing probably too much but I don't care Tyson Fury is six foot nine and he's huge I mean he's just a big big man he's supposed to be big he's not supposed to be skinny he's big I mean some people that are really really tall are quite skinny but they're quite often they're not because even even at six foot nine without any body fat you're still going to be really really

heavy you're still going to be 18 stone without even having any any weight on you or doesn't maybe 15 or 16 you know it's still going to be quite going to be very heavy I met someone they were easily six foot eight I think he was might have even been seven foot really tall proper tall he was practically near the ceiling in the office tall enough to really stand out you know there's plenty of tall people that you just don't take much notice on you might when you first see them think wow they're tall but

he's someone that every time you see him is like surprised oh wow you're tall and he tried to make out that he was about ten and a half stone I laughed at his face I said I do poos bigger than that you're not ten and a half stone you're six foot nine seven foot you're twice the height of me you're probably gonna be as heavy as I am even though he didn't have a ounce of fat on him I said just the fact that you're so tall bones are heavy he laughed and walked away you

know what I would love to have done with him I would have loved to have got him in the ring in the boxing ring because especially if he was because he was he probably was quite light actually if he was as light as he said he would have had such an advantage over any other boxer but even heavyweight but if he went if he was able to fight a middleweight at 12 stone he'd have such an advantage and he was a tough bloke as well he was big long arms were longer than the office car

park well honestly he would have been such a good boxer anyway I'm gonna go thank you very much for listening remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy bye