#472 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen if you are sweating completely like me, like I am.

Wow, it's hot. Now only listen, you can safely close your eyes because this podcast that is produced specifically to boil you to sleep may cause drowsiness. Sure they are.

What makes it worse is I've closed the window just to sort of keep out background sounds and it's Tuesday night and the dust people, dustmen collect the rubbish on Wednesday morning. And there's bound to be someone that puts the rubbish out into the rubbish cupboard downstairs which is full of rats. Lovely.

So I hope you're well. Today is the 12th of August. So I'll talk about yesterday.

Yeah, so hope you're okay. Hope you're well, blah, blah, blah. And not much going on in my life really.

Just spoke to my psychologist earlier. So we're winding down. We're coming close to a divorce now, me and her.

We're just, we're bringing the relationship to close. And so I've got one more, you know, speaking to her next month and then November and then January and then we've got two months where it's just open. So the thing that we were speaking about was, you know, my upcoming 50th and, you know, being a bit nostalgic about some of the missed opportunities in the past.

And so I've kind of, I was, you know, I was verbalising it and a lot of it's something that, probably stuff I've already talked about on here anyway. Why anybody would want to hear, listen to it, I don't know. But I, I don't know what I was going to say.

I was going to say something. Yeah, there's this lady I used to work with and I was, I was like 31, she was probably about 21. And she made it very clear on three occasions that she liked me.

One was physically, she made it clear when I was dancing at her birthday party. Another one before that, she came into where I was working and she started talking about some quite personal stuff. And then the last time was my leaving party when I was, you know, leaving the place.

And before I moved away from London, and she said, I'm not going to say what she said to me, she said, you like da da, and I've got da da. And I still didn't take the hint. And I've been kicking myself for years over that.

Because I really liked her. Not just physically, but I really liked her. Like as a person, she was lovely, really, really, really fancied her for years.

But it just, I didn't want to, I just didn't want to get involved with someone that I worked with. Anyway, so, and it dawned on me, it's 19 years ago, we would probably pass each other in the street and not even recognize each other. It's that long ago.

She'll be 41 years old, or 40 years old. Mind you, she's still a lot younger actually than me. Maybe there is a chance, I don't know, maybe.

She'll be 40, I'll be 50. We couldn't even recognize each other. But then I'm thinking what am I being nostalgic about something so long ago.

And then I go back even further to 2004. When I had a Spanish girlfriend who was an au pair. She's looking after this doctor's children.

And she lived in, it's Harold Wood, she's staying. But I met her just before she went home to Spain. She'd been in London for, I don't know, maybe two or three months.

And she was kind of my dream. At that point, she was my dream girl. I mean, literally, I had a major, major, major crush on Sabrina.

Not Sabrina, the teenage witch. Sabrina, the singer from the song, boys, boys, boys, looking for a good time. I actually had a picture of her next to my bed.

And I was 16 at the time, I think. 17, 16, 17. 17.

Absolutely. And then I meet this Marta, her name was Marta. And she was well, actually more attractive to me than Sabrina was.

It's not true. No, no one was more attractive. I really loved Sabrina when I was a teenager.

And so I got an opportunity to sort of date her. We did go out and spend some time with each other. But I just messed up.

I didn't play it right, not play it. I didn't, I guess I didn't, yeah, I didn't try it on. If that makes sense.

I didn't, I was too shy to do anything. And, and you might say, well, that's a good thing. You're being a gentleman.

Yeah, the first thing she said to me when I went round her house, because her, the doctor was on holiday. So she was there on her own. You know, the doctor and his wife take the children away on holiday.

First thing she said when I got in there is can you take your t-shirt off. She wanted me to start getting undressed. And I said no, because I was embarrassed about my skinny body.

I really did it somewhere. My skinny body. So I kicked myself for years about that.

So I just, I've just been so shy at times. There's other times I've been shy. And just like why? Why am I shy? And I'm not really shy.

I think I just get a bit confused. I'll get a little bit confused sometimes. I'm not sure what's happening.

Why does she want to do that? What does she want to do with me? That doesn't make sense. Surely it's someone else that she, else she wants to do it with. Why me? I remember my, when I first became a DJ, I had this, I was there all the way through, through winter, from September through to December.

Or from, you know, autumn to December. And there's Christmas parties. And I used to have people come up and talk to me.

And I'd sort of say, yeah, play a song. But never, never took it as meaning anything. And then one night, this lady jumped through the DJ hole.

It wasn't a hole in a DJ booth. The DJ, I don't have a hole. She didn't jump into my hole, etc.

There's a booth and it was like a hole, you know, in the front of it, where you could talk to the DJ, which was me. And she literally jumped through it, or climbed through it, and landed on me and started kissing me. And I said, I pushed her off.

I wiped my mouth, started crying. She said, what are you doing? I said, why are you doing that? She said, well, what's wrong with you? And that triggered something in me. I started thinking, you know, what is wrong with me? Why shouldn't women want to know me? And you know what? That changed my life.

That did for a little while. So, you know, January, I was right near the end of the Christmas period. January, I went and had a nice haircut.

I started smiling myself up. I started shaving. I started making myself look as presentable as I could.

I thought, I have not been, I've not been presented with too many gifts to show off. So I just did the best of what I got. You know, shine deemed on my nose, you know, just polished it, you just do just little things like that.

And put some dog food in the ears. You know, just things to make yourself look better than I did before. You might think that's a silly thing to do, but I look better than I did before, even with dog food in my ears.

So, and then January, I was like a transformed man with confidence. I was still young. I was still, yeah, I was still 27.

And I was like, oh, and I started having confidence to talk to the women. For some reason, the women, not just the women, men as well, people would come in to talk to me. It's almost like I gave off the, like a friendly energy, you know, like I was approachable.

So I got my mojo back. I want to say I got my mojo back. I used to have some mojo in 2000, no, 1995.

I think 95, I really got my mojo. I've had girlfriends and stuff. But for some reason, 95 and 96, my mojo was strong.

The force was strong within me. But then I was what, 25 years old. I guess I was in my prime, I suppose, like a prime bit of pork.

And so I just, and I had a couple of 2000, 90, it's such a long time ago. I keep forgetting that it was last century. So 95, I had two relationships.

And no, three, three, two, no, two. But then, wait a minute, two in 94, I had three. But for the first, like 92, 93, I was pretty empty with the mojo, not much happening.

I mean, I actually, I had, right, and that only ever happened once. Well, it didn't only happen once, but it happened once where this lady came out, went out of her way to meet me after a gig, a comedy gig. And it was the, I think it was at the Meccano Club in Elford, or Islington or something, I might be wrong.

Or maybe the Banana Cabaret or something like that. Anyway, I mean, it was a Saturday night. So I'd just done like five minutes or 10 minutes on stage, didn't get paid.

It went down okay. It wasn't brilliant, but it wasn't bad. It was, you know, some of the audience liked me, some just tolerated me, I think.

Some in the, they had a room where the comedians were, like hanging out, you know, so I was in there. Some of the comedians were ignoring me, someone talking to me. You know, there's kind of a weird hierarchy.

It seemed, it seemed that the better, the more successful the comedians were, the friendlier they were. And the less successful they were, the friendlier they were. But sometimes when it got to that medium stage, some of them seemed to bit up their own bums.

Which is a shame, because all I wanted in the world was to talk to them and be friends with them. You know, I loved these people. I didn't realize that I was in awe of all of them.

So I was this young lad, you know, early 20s, sometimes causing a bit of havoc in these comedy clubs, coming out with this really outlandish stuff. What I ended up doing was sometimes alienate the audience, but I alienated the comedians as well. And the comedians are the ones that I wanted to like me.

I obviously didn't seem to care much about the audience. But I wanted the comedians to like me. Because I wanted to be like them.

I knew that I was, I wasn't going to be successful doing what I was doing. I knew I had to change, I had to grow and I had to become better. But I kind of needed encouragement from the other comedians.

Which is probably a little bit sad, but I generally think that if I'd have had just a couple, like one really good writer who said, look, sit down, or a really good comedian said, look, just sit down with me for an hour and just say, look, here's what I would suggest. You know, do this different, do that different, wear something different, you know, wear some, you know, just some advice, deliver it nicer, smile, don't shout at them, don't call them all horrible names. It's not the best way to open a comedy act.

And sometimes I did. I used to scream at people sometimes. If they said that I listened.

So I didn't have any guidance. And that's what I needed. Because all I had was watching professional comedians on recordings and, you know, tapes and listen to them, and then seeing comedians on stage.

But I wasn't able to get inside their heads. I couldn't relate to them as people. All I could see was they were brilliant at what they were doing, or they were really good, or they were average, or they were not my cup of tea.

But still, you know, the audience liked them. I couldn't get my head around the thinking process that they had. And I wish I had because I might have been quite good.

I mean, I don't have a face for television. And I don't have a body for television now either. I used to be all right.

But I mean, if TV, or did they say you gained about 10 pounds, if you go on the television, I really don't need to be gaining any weight. I really don't. I have been on television.

I only talked twice. I was on television. When was it? When I was a kid, I was on the Rolf Harris show when I was about nine.

But that wasn't just about me. That was the whole school. That's on YouTube, by the way.

And then I was on television in 1995. I entered this talent competition on the live TV. And it's got to be around the November time, 1995.

And I did look bigger, because those are the times when I was skinny, really embarrassed about my weight. And you know, although I had put some weight on, because at that point, I'd started the antidepressants. And when I was on the antidepressants, I put about a half a stone on practically overnight, which was needed, because I was very underweight, I think.

And I looked bigger. I looked, I would say I look kind of normal human size. I think if I went on TV now, I think I might see myself, I might look a bit fat.

And it might surprise me. Just, wow. And I don't, I don't see myself like that, because I can't see myself, because I'm looking out.

I don't, yeah. So I definitely got a face for radio, as they say. But yeah, my mojo, it was fairly strong.

I think I had a big boost in 95. Because I dated someone in 95. In the end, that was kind of my dream woman.

Yeah, she was just, there was a very good connection between me and her. Amazing connection. Oh, just dropping stuff on the floor now.

Yeah. And, and then, and other stuff happened and stuff. But, and then 96, I was only with one woman.

I was 96. And from April, it might be May, but I was with her all the way through to 97. And, and she was, yeah, she was my girlfriend for quite a while.

So I kind of got my mojo back. What was weird is because I was in this nurse's home. And I was getting a lot of attention from the women, the nurses.

And he said, Oh, yeah, look, we're just being friendly. Some of them used to stay up all night long talking to me. You know, so I love it.

You know, people just decide for themselves what how things are. You know, I agree. When I was a DJ, I remember saying to someone, this is at the end of the night.

And I said, Oh, she likes me. And my friend said, No, she doesn't. She's gay.

And she's in a, she's in a relationship. Like very firmly, she's gay. She's so ridiculous.

She doesn't like you think everyone likes you. Like 10 minutes later, we were in the toilets together, me and her. Kissing.

And she was gay and she was in a relationship. I guess she just wanted to test it. Just to make sure that she was doing the right thing.

And she said, Yeah, after kissing you, I'm definitely no, I am gay. Oh, great. Thanks.

But it makes just that when people think, Oh, she's not interested in you. She clearly was. I've been out with a couple of women that have been Yeah, I went out with a woman that had never been with a man, who's only ever had lesbian relationships.

I was kind of a little tester. I was a kind of an experiment for her. Yep, she went back.

There's a lot of real small minds out there. I noticed that with, I seem to be, I've been influenced by it as well, though. You know, friends, so I remember there was this this woman, she worked in this coffee place.

And I just, my heart missed a beat when I first saw her. And then for years, I would just I'd go in there every now and then I was like, Oh, she's so gorgeous. And my friend who I used to go in there with, she said to me, Gosh, she wouldn't even look at you.

You haven't got a chance with her. I kind of took that on board. I thought, Yeah, you're probably right.

So a few years later, I was 44. A little birthday, and I was in there, and I told her it was my birthday. She said, Happy birthday.

I said, Yes, I'm getting old. I said, How old are you? She said, I'm 20. I think she was 24.

22, something like that. And I said, Oh, well, she said, I said, I'm older now. She said, No, 44 is a nice age.

And she looked at me. And I realized I was dribbling. Still dribbling.

And I went to finish my coffee. But unfortunately, I got a bit disoriented. And I pulled it over my head.

So I had to just leave to get out of there. So I do wonder, you know, people hear the old cliche of this. It's not what you do, it's what you haven't done.

Well, there's stuff I've done that I regret. So I think that's a bit, you know, I call BS on that one a little bit. But I also agree with the, you know, do what I didn't do.

But then in the moment, you know, well, even if I was back in that situation now, a lot of it is, well, a huge amount of it is about confidence. And I don't have that anymore. Well, maybe in different ways, I do.

In different ways, I'm more confident than I used to be. But then I'm not out to, you know, when I was in my 20s, or even my 30s, I'd get a little bit starstruck if I saw someone that I was attracted to. Now, I'm just not that bothered.

It's just another person. Well, they're nice, and then they're gone, I forget about them. Admittedly, they're usually on television.

But so my most mojo years was, see, I had this girlfriend from 1996 to 97, early 97. And then we split. I'm not sure.

I think we were together probably nearly a year, actually. And then we sort of split. And it was awful.

It was just, you know, the most awful thing. One of the worst things I've ever been through, really. And I didn't think my mojo would ever come back.

But it did, you know, sort of January January 98, bang. It was back in force. It was, it was, it was like, totally like I had this confidence.

And then I was, in some ways, it was my happiest time. If I'd have had that time, and my home, somewhere to live, and at this flat being close to the club, I would have had the time of my life. But unfortunately, I lived in a little room.

There was nowhere near where I worked. And guests weren't really welcome. So I managed to, you know, anyone that had their own place, I could go to it.

You know, go on dates and stuff, but they couldn't really come here, come to me. So it was, I had a lot less fun than I could have had. And I had two girlfriends.

Two girlfriends, yeah, two girlfriends left me. I say girlfriends, like, we dated, like, for a little while. Two of them left me because I didn't have my own place.

You know, I had one that left me because I didn't have a car. I just couldn't believe, what do you mean you don't have a car? You're 29 years old, you haven't got a car. I said, no, I can't drive.

Well, you can't drive? Well, if I could drive, I'd probably have a car. Why would you need a car? I mean, buses are easy. It's easy to get around and quicker on trains and buses.

Exactly. So why are you giving me a hassle about not having a car? I don't care about that. I just can't believe you haven't got a license.

I can't win on this one. So, yeah, I had, I think my mojo started to, it started to reduce in 2000, a little bit. And that could be, you know, I was putting weight on.

I wasn't attracting as many people as I was before that. And when I was, because there was a time I'd walk around in skin tight tops and I've been working out and I looked pretty good. It's the only time in my life that I really had any physical confidence in my body.

Because although I was still, I wasn't the weight I wanted to be, but I was really fit, like physically fit. And I think as I started to put weight on in 2000, I was wearing baggy, baggy clothes, baggy shirts, you know, just to cover up the rolls of fat that were accumulating around my belly button. Well, I used to have a belly button.

Now it's more like a, it's more like the top of a whale's head now. I wonder what colour it'd be if I actually cleaned it. I'd find if I actually put my fingers in there.

And I stopped making much, in a way, of attempts to talk to people. So although I still, you know, I met, I still talked to at least a couple of women a night on Saturday and Friday, most weekends. I think I began to lose a bit of interest.

The first two years, you know, 98, 99, it was a lot of fun. The last two years, it was still fun, but I can't, I think the novelty wore off a little bit. Sort of the chatting up women, it just got a bit boring.

I just couldn't be bothered a lot of the time. Yeah, it's weird because I'd almost, almost give anything to be back there. And the place doesn't even exist anymore.

But I would just, not back there as I am now, because I don't, I don't think I'd want to go, I don't think I could do that anymore. It's just a lot of hard work to, I don't know. I think it's quite weird, okay, because I'm thinking I'm probably a bit too old, but there was a man that took over from me, that was probably about my age, maybe late 40s.

Okay. So I left when I was 31. And technically, I was probably a bit too old to be a DJ then.

But I pulled it off, you know, I could do it. And he was given the job. And I used to visit, I still used to visit like as often as I could on a weekend, stay in a hotel, or maybe stay with my friend.

And I remember him, and I got to know the DJs, I liked him. And I knew the staff, and it's really cool, I can still continue a little bit of a social life. And he came, he came running from the DJ booth, running to the bar, and he was so upset.

And I said, he didn't say anything to me, he just like said to the manager, and he was really like, I can't believe what just happened. I said, I didn't say anything, I was listening. I probably did say something, actually.

I think I laughed. The reason he was upset is because a lady asked him to play a song. And he said, he didn't know if he's got it, or maybe he'd already played it earlier, or he didn't want to play it.

And she offered him something in return for playing the song. And he was horrified, horrified. And the staff, just looking at him like, well, first of all, why are you telling us all this? Because it's not something you just share.

You might have a friend, you know, that you'd like share stuff with, but, you know, what goes on, it's private, isn't it? It's not, it's really, what? This is, wow. So I don't think he lasted that long. And then, then they brought, yeah, they got rid of the DJ booth, had to basically just stuck the DJ equipment on a table, surrounded by lights in the, or closer to the bar rather than the other side of the club.

And I said, this is ridiculous. How are you supposed to have any fun if you can't, like, close the door and pull the shutters down, you know, just have a little bit of a cuddle and, you know, just messing around and stuff, you know, playing Scrabble and poker. Snap, you know, those kinds of things, snakes and ladders.

And I was asked, I think this is 2002, I was asked if I could do a weekend and go in on a, we might have just been on one day, like we're going on a Saturday night and do the DJing, because the DJ was on holiday or he was ill or something like that. So I said, yeah, cool. I'll go and do that.

And it was that table. Oh, here's something else. Yeah.

So it was this table near, not far from the bar. So it was nothing like I've ever had before. The CDs were everywhere.

Some of them were scratched. It's like, they weren't. Why are you not looking after these CDs? I collected, I spent four years getting that collection together.

I know that the staff didn't like the songs, but the audience did. You know, they liked to dance. It was like, it was all shambles.

I didn't really know what I was doing. I hadn't done it for nearly a year at this point, or maybe sort of eight, nine months. And on that night, the girl or the woman, 21 year old, that had let me know she liked me without saying I like you, she was working that night.

What do you think I did? What I did is I pulled a customer. Yep. In front of her.

I didn't do it, you know, to hurt her. But instead of giving her the attention, I really liked her. I just went back into my old ways.

And I just paid attention to a particular woman that came in. And she came in on her own. And I just, I ended up, you know, going back to her domain.

And I don't think I ever saw the lady that I liked ever again after that. Or because I was too shy to just ask her out loud, outright. Mind you, you know, I was too shy to say, would you like me? I mean, what's going on? But then she was being vague, wasn't she? She wasn't.

She was being blatant, but at the same time, not verbally blatant. Or I think part of it is I didn't want to take advantage of someone that I liked and someone I worked with. There's also that part of like, well, if we do get together, and it is just like a one-off, I have to see her again.

And what if she talks about what we got up to? I just, you know, it's just personal stuff. I don't want other people to know my business. And a good thing about being in London, especially if you meet people in the city or in the clubs, West End or something like that, you can meet people that you'll never ever see again in your life.

Unlike if you're in a little village or a little town, there's none of that people standing broody, staring at someone because they're now dating. You know, some man's now dating their ex girlfriend, you know, like you get in villages and towns. Of course, that happens in London like anywhere else.

But there's certain places you can go to where you're not going to get that. If you go to a local pub, of course, that's going to happen. If you go to the West End, to a nightclub, or to a comedy club or something like that, or, you know, with a nightclub like thing, it's just a much safer, normal environment.

And some people listen to this may never have had that. You may have lived your whole life in a little town or a little village, and I've done both of those as well. You know, I'm in a little village now.

And I spent my from the age of seven to pretty much 19, living in a little town. So I know both. And I spent 12 years living in London.

So, you know, I've had the various different experiences. And, you know, it's, they've all got their merits. There was a time when I couldn't see any merit in a small town.

I could not wait to get out of that town. But then I went from knowing people to knowing nobody. And I was in London in Stratford, East London.

And the best part, and probably the worst part is the same thing, is I could walk down the street every day and not see one person that I knew. Of course, that changes over time, because you get to know neighbours a bit and the shopkeepers. And, you know, I see people on the way to work that I work with.

So I do, you know, it's not like I've never, never ever saw anyone. But in the little town, I'd see people that I didn't even know that I knew. People I knew of, or people I just knew by sight.

Plus all the hundreds of people I went to school with over the years. And I kind of, as part of me thinks I've missed out, because my little brother, my stepbrother, half brother, stepbrother, no half brother, stepbrother, my dad's wife's child. He's, he's so lovely.

I mean, seriously, he's really, really lovely. And he's got friends that love him. You might think, yeah, we've all got that.

And I just, I don't. So I don't really know what that's like. So he's got friends that have been in his life since he was a little kid.

And they're still in his life and he's 40 now. I don't know anybody that I knew when I was at school. I don't know, apart from, you know, family members, I mean, but I've got no friends that I knew when I was at school.

I've got no one in my life that I knew, probably only a couple of people that I knew when I was in my twenties. And most of them aren't actually in my life, but they are like contactable. So to have that continuity is something I've not had.

And I never really saw the benefit. I thought it was just a bit pointless until I went to my brother's wedding. And when I was at my brother's wedding, there was people doing speeches.

And I also got talking to quite a few of his friends who didn't know I existed, which was a little bit annoying, but there you go. And I love him, like really on a level of like real respect and kindness. And I guess I've never really, I don't know, I didn't know that was possible really.

Because when I left school, I pretty much lost contact with nearly everybody I went to school with, even though I was still in the same town. I used to see some people occasionally, but you know, I left school, I was 15, worked in a chip shop. So I was in a public place, a place where loads of people would come in, you know, hundreds and hundreds of people, I don't know, maybe thousands every week.

I don't know how many. It was a busy, busy chip shop. Yeah, I didn't really have much in my contact with people that I went to school with.

And a couple, I became quite close to this, this lad that was a year older than me, I think. And for some reason, we just built a friendship up and we got on really well for a while. And then started, there's another one that I worked, that I used to go to school with.

I wasn't close to him at school, I wasn't, I knew him to say hello to, you know, but we weren't kind of really friends, friends, and then we became friends. After, after leaving school, that didn't turn out too good. So we kind of went our separate ways.

And then my friend, Neil, he was probably my only, my only constant, really. I should have kept in contact with him. Because he was a constant all the way, I say all the way through school, but quite, you know, through high school.

And then he, he made an effort to come and see me. His parents helped me when I moved into the flat, because I didn't, you know, they gave me cutlery, a kettle, stuff like that. For some reason, his parents seemed to like me, even though I was a bit of a, a handful of times, you know, growing up.

But they, I don't know, they just seemed to like me. And right the way up to, so he used to visit me, even, he used to come in my house when I was in the house, you know, growing up, up to the age of 15. He used to come round and we used to throw these, what are they, ninja throwing stars, or Shaolin throwing stars, that are cardboard boxes, you know, used to play around like that.

And then he, then he visited me when I went and lived at my step-nan's flat. I was living in the living room, living, there's a living room, I was sleeping in the living room. And he used to come round and knock for me and we'd go out.

So I was still 15 then. And I turned 16 in the summer. And then I moved into the other flat, the first flat I ever had when I was, and that was probably would have been March, maybe March or April 1997.

So I was 16. And he was there then as well. And he came round and we had Wurzelgum, which was on telly, so I think it was a Sunday, Sunday.

No, it was a Friday. It was Hot Cross Bun Day, so Good Friday. And I had Hot Cross Buns, which if you don't know what they are, and they are basically tea cakes, but they're not the same as tea cakes.

But they're, I mean, I've made them, I know they're made differently. But it's a similar kind of thing. They're, you know, they're more glossy, they've got more stuff in them, got more sort of currants and you can have apricots, all kinds of stuff in them.

And they've got a cross on the front, on the top, which is made, you know, before they're put in the oven. So, anyway, I had those, and I put them in the, I think I might put them under the grill, or maybe in a toaster. I can't remember the exact thing.

I had a cup of tea, my friend, Neil, he came out. So we watched Words of Gummage whilst eating these Hot Cross Buns and a cup of tea. I had no furniture.

I did have the TV. I think it was, it might have been my childhood television, because I had a little black and white television for the last year and a half, I think, that I was living with the parents. And I'm not sure I had a bed, but I didn't have much in the way of anything else.

At that time, I think my dad was, he had my bedroom furniture in storage. You know, like the set of drawers and all that stuff that I had when I was a kid. So I eventually had that moved in, as well as my punch bags and weights and all that stuff.

Although I think I sold all that stuff before I moved in. I think I actually sold all my weights because they were in storage, they were in a garage, and I couldn't use them. So yeah, I kept my sword, though.

I liked my sword. I nearly used it once. Luckily, I didn't.

I thought about it, an incident, and I did think, should I get my sword? And I thought, nah, nah, nah. So, to Neil, he used to come round to my flat as well. And then when I moved out of the flat, I moved in with my dad for a little while.

My friend, Neil, used to come round then, because he had a moped by then. And then, then I think, I didn't see him much for a little while. And I moved back into my dad's house, and he turned up.

And I think he might have still had a moped. And then I moved to London, and I came back again. And I stayed at my dad's house again for a little while.

And he had a car. So we used to go out with him in his car. He drove like a maniac sometimes, but we had fun.

No, wait a minute. No, I've got to go back. So I just remembered something that happened because of that.

Driving a car. That happened. I moved out of there.

No, the car bit. So he used to come to mine on a moped when I first lived with my dad, and the second time he had a car. Because we went out one night, this is while I was living in a different place.

And we were driving, and we stopped to help a lady out, because the car had broken down. And we were just, I think we just stayed with her until the AA turned up. And we got talking, and she told us where she worked.

And I went into her place and asked her out. She said yes. And then she said, then I continued talking.

And after about half an hour talking to me, she changed her mind. It's true. And that's one of the sale secrets is, if you do sales, once you get the sale, say goodbye.

Don't continue with the sales process. Once you get the sale, say thank you. Don't, because if you keep trying to sell something you've already sold, then it can backfire.

Not that I was selling anything. I guess myself, I suppose. So yeah, I bought her flowers.

And I didn't have the guts to give them to her. I wanted to sort of, I guess I wanted to win her over. Because she always said yes.

And then she didn't change her mind in like a, now I've spoken to you half an hour, I really, no, no thanks. It was a little bit more subtle than that. So I bought some flowers for her.

I walked past and I just kept walking. Couldn't walk in there. Couldn't face it.

So I went home and I was sharing this house, just renting a room. There was, I'd say it was the weirdest house I've ever lived in. But what happened there? It's, I can't even tell you actually what happened there.

But it was a family living in about three rooms. One of those, the father ended up going to prison for, you know, about a year later or something. And I became friends with the, with his daughter, but he didn't like that.

And then there was a couple that were living together and I got on well with them, I thought. And this bloke's friendly to me, he was about, probably a little bit older than me, early 20s, I was 18. So I gave his girlfriend the flowers, explaining to her why I was giving them to her.

I said, it's either you or the bin. Now in reflection, or on reflection, I should have just perhaps given them to him to give to her. Or just chucked them in the bin to be fair.

Or just gone back to the shop, said I don't need them, but you can sell them. So I'd spent, I don't know, probably £10 back then. Well, and it all kicked off.

I think I've talked about it in the past, I'm not going to go into it now. But it was, yeah, he, he decided, yeah, he took it the wrong way. And, you know, I had no interest in her.

Or, you know, so, he'd be stupid enough to try and, you know what I mean, to give someone flowers, blatantly like that, when they're living in a house with someone, a couple. I mean, clearly I was, I did it, but I didn't do it with that intention. So yeah, that was weird.

And then I moved back into my dad's, I think, after that. No, I didn't. No, I didn't.

Where did I move? No, I think I did. I get a little bit muddled up, really, because it's such a long time ago. I get a little bit confused about when, what happened was, happened, in which order.

And I've written it down in the past, just to sort of keep my memory fresh, the order of where I moved, and when I moved, and why I moved. But it's not all completely fresh. It's not fresh.

It's a long time ago. So yeah, so yeah, I felt a little bit nostalgic lately. Perhaps, maybe, you know, it's midlife crisis stuff.

But I want to start focusing on the future, the now, you know, now and the future. And then forward. So that's kind of where I'm at, at the moment.

Looking to go forward. I suppose, in a way, I do talk about the past quite a bit, and I need recording. So maybe that's not helpful to me.

I don't know. But anyway, I'll just, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sort of, I'll say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. So that's pretty much the end of this recording. So please remember to be kind to yourself, because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.