#475 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is Letting You Go To Sleep. Please only listen where you can safely close your eyes. I'm watching boxing.

So there's two boxes, one's forward, one's marked for men requests. And they're punching each other. Yeah, still punching each other.

And yeah, they're punching. Oh, just missed. Went to punch, but he missed.

That's forward. Memory quiz. He's got the red and black trunks.

And forward has got the blue and red trunks. I don't know what I just say. I don't know what I'm going to say yet.

I don't know what I just say. I don't know who's got the different colored gloves, because one's got white gloves, one's got black gloves. Sometimes I have the weirdest gloves.

I think it's fluorescent green. I've seen that in the past. Like, what's that about? In the old days, in the old days.

When I was a nipper, when I was in my 20s, it was always red gloves. Pretty sure, always red gloves. Didn't have different colored gloves.

What's that about? Do now, though. And I reckon that's got to be quite weird, visually, to see a different colored glove coming at you. When you've been practicing sparring with maybe red gloves, and the person turns up in pretty much like turquoise gloves, or rainbow gloves or something.

What would you do? It's got to be weird having those colors like coming at you. Oh my god, it's like the Wizard of Oz. I don't know why.

Oh, David Martinez. Oh no, Marquez. He's got tattoos on his face.

But he's got, I've never seen the kind of tattoos, I think, by the looks of it. Because it's coming just from his scalp down. So I'm guessing if he shaved his head, of course, I wouldn't want to try and do that.

Because he's a boxer, a professional boxer, he probably wouldn't just let me shave his head. He does my arse nicely, but I don't want to shave his head. If you're listening, my request, I love you, I love you, please, I don't want to shave your head.

Unless you want me to shave your head, I'll do it. Just don't punch me. So it looks to me like he might have tattoos all over his scalp.

And probably go into boxing and they said, you know what? He looks like a gang member. He looks like, you know, the cliche gang member from the Mexican cartel, the kind of thing that you see in movies. Again, if any cartel members are listening, I love you.

No issues at all. Please don't shoot me. Just basically, I think you're brilliant.

He's got that kind of, I want to say cliched. I don't mean that people that are in cartels and stuff are cliches, because they're lovely. I love you.

I really do. You know, I'm just saying, someone is trying to look like they're in a fancy dress costume. Someone's bought a fancy dress costume, but just the skin, and they put it onto their body, you know, like, here's the skin, put it over yourself.

And do all the tattoos and stuff, on the face and the head and the shoulders and the arms and across the back and down the stomach and chest. And in the neck as well. Because of course, it must look good to them.

I guess they've got different mirrors. I do feel that people that have excessive tattoos, must just have different mirrors to the rest of us, where they look and think, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I suppose it's kind of like a, maybe it's a version of body dysmorphia. But it's the opposite, you know, look at yourself and think, yeah, that looks good. But I do really like tattoos.

I think anyone who's got tattoos is brilliant. I do. One of my best friends has covered in tattoos, but it suits him.

Because I don't want him to punch me, so it suits him. Brilliant. If you're listening, I think it's great.

Wonderful. Now, tattoos are all right. It's not for me, really.

Although once, I saw a female. I've seen females before, but I was looking in a comic shop. It's like a proper comic shop, you know, a little bit like, what's it called? That TV show with all the nerds.

The autistic bloke, and then all the other ones, the one that used to be in Roseanne. And the other one that used to be in Blossom. And the universe, the Big Bang Theory, I said.

And that comic shop that they go into, it's that kind of thing. There was, you know, all the comics. And I was looking in the window, because I've got a little, a little scratch that needs itching, when it comes to comics.

So like, I like superhero films. And I've got a friend who's a proper nerd, when it comes to graphic books, comics, but graphic books. I've been collecting them for probably 30 odd years, maybe since he was a kid.

He's about 93 years old now. He's only two foot tall. He's got a hair like barbed wire, which is good, because it means he never gets invaded.

The rest of his family are really jealous, because they're also all about, like, two foot tall. But they're jealous of him, because unlike the rest of them, people don't jump over them. They jump over him, because of the barbed wire hair.

It is actually barbed wire. It's like a Medusa thing, but without snakes. And for some reason, he spoke French, but didn't understand why.

He'd never been to France. You could say, well, maybe he was born in Canada. But he wasn't.

So you could say, well, maybe he was born in parts of the continent of Africa. But he wasn't, because his place is to speak French. Or you could say, well, maybe his family was French.

And they're not. And you could say, well, maybe he learned French. Well, that's probably what happened there.

No, apparently he didn't. He was born with the ability to speak French. And he was also able to balance three eggs, but normal eggs, not even hard-boiled, on the end of his nose, and walk at the same time.

And when I say not hard-boiled, I mean, it's hard-boiled eggs without the shell. They're a little bit sticky. You know, you can kind of push them on a little bit and they do stay.

But he did it with the eggs in the shell. He balanced them and they weren't, they were, you know, little nose, tiny little nose. And in fact, he needed a microphone.

Microphone? He needed a microphone to see it. One nostril was three times bigger than the other, which meant one side of his brain got a lot of oxygen, the other one got very little. That was okay.

It didn't affect him because the skill of balancing three eggs on his nose didn't require the left side of his brain. You know, it was very much like more coordination. He was like right-sided.

So his left nostril was big, left and right nostril was like tiny. I mean, you could just about fit a sesame seed in there, just about. Yet the other nostril, a whole bun, you could get a whole bun in that one.

And his toenails, for some reason, his toenails just kept growing. And I never realized it because I used to live with him. And I just thought, that's very strange.

I said, why do your toenails keep growing? He says, I didn't know. They just keep growing. They've been like that since I was a little baby.

And because he did speak English with me. And because I didn't speak French, I said to him, I remember, after knowing him for about four years, I said to him, look, I've got to tell you something. I said, well, there's a few things I've got to tell you.

First of all, that wet patch in your bed, it wasn't you. And secondly, I don't speak French. I don't really, I haven't understood anything you've said for the last three years.

And he said, pardon? And I just waited. I'm like, what's he saying? I just didn't know what he was talking about. And eventually he said, well, I could speak English if you like.

I said, really? Three years now, and you could have spoken English? He said, but of course, I could speak English. I said, how come? Well, I was born in England. Okay.

I said, so you've got your parents who are French then? Well, why do you speak French? He said, I do not understand. He used to say that. I don't know if it's true, but whenever he didn't want to answer a question, he'd say, I do not understand.

And sometimes he'd do a little dance, just a little dance, just randomly doing a little dance. And almost a mixture between thing you do in the street, beat breaking, breaking, break dancing. It's almost a mixture between break dancing and ballet.

Very kind of mixture. And the interesting thing about it is his left knee always clicked. But to a rhythm.

So it was like a little drum beat going. And then he'd flick his ear, right ear, it sounded like a cymbal. It's almost like a one man band, really.

And often wore a mask. I said, so why do you wear a mask? He said, I do not understand. See, hiding something.

And I found out eventually the reason he wore a mask all the time is because he was a bank robber. And I thought, that doesn't even make sense. That doesn't make sense.

And he said to me one day, he sat down and said, but Jassong, you don't understand this. I take my mask off when I do the bank robbery. I said, no, I don't understand.

This is weird. What do you mean? He said, yeah, but how can they recognize me? I wear a mask the rest of the time. It seemed to work.

And he made about, he made enough for us to get McDonald's at least twice a month from all these dodgy activities. Very successful. But it was really strange.

The thing about his toenails, see, I didn't realize, he used to say to me, Jassong, my toenails, they keep growing. I said, yeah, everyone's do. He said, no, you don't understand.

My toenails, they're super powered toenails. I was like, yeah, okay. I mean, I don't mind people showing off sometimes, but when it comes to toenails, there's a line.

There's a line I won't cross. And I think it's just too egotistical of someone to really get to, you know what I mean? It's like, come on, you're just being narcissistic here. You're just, I don't want to hear about your toenails.

You think you're better than everyone else because you've got super, super powered toenails. He said, but I am. I got super powers.

My toenails keep growing. Now, I didn't believe it, but it did save my life because there is a bruise at the beach. And basically, he was cutting his toenails at the beach.

He has to cut them all the time, but it kept growing. That was his excuse. I think he just wanted to get his super toenails out and just to show off, you know, like a peacock, but without the P, you know, he just, just really, it's always about his toenails.

And I fell asleep at the beach. And I didn't realize at the time that I was on a sand dune. And he went, he left, went home, left me there.

And the tide was coming in, but from all sides, and I can't swim. And the tide was coming in more and more and more to the point where it was up to my knees and up to my waist. And I thought, what am I going to do? And I looked around and there's this huge thing floating next to me, his toenail.

One of his toenails had grown after it had been cut off. And it was the size of a boat. So I climbed in, I climbed in to the toenail.

And because he said it wasn't just super, he said his toenails had magic powers. And I thought, because to be fair, up to that point, I'd always just ignored what he said, but it used to go on and on and on about him. So I started thinking, what other things has he told me about his toenails? Maybe that's true as well.

I mean, if his toenails really grow this big, just in the last, I don't know, hour or so that I've been asleep. What other things that he's told me about his toenails, these super toenails, is also true. I didn't believe any of it.

It's a little bit like, you know, when someone walks up to you in the street, and they're clearly trying to get money out of you, they're clearly trying to sort of, they tell you a really stupid story, which is so ridiculous. That you just end up giving them a couple of pounds or a couple of dollars just to go away. They don't beg for money, they just come up and say, I had this a while back.

So yeah, hi, this bloke is big, big old lump, and he's stood right in front of me. I wonder if you could help me. I'm stranded here, and I want to get to the hospital to see my sister.

But she lives in three cities away. And the dog also got out, so I have to pay for that to be released. Because there's a charge otherwise they'll put him down.

And I tripped over a step and I hurt my knee. And my sister, she's in the hospital, that's right, she's in the hospital. And I want to meet her and see her before she has our baby.

And I want to get there. And I can't get there because it costs £25 to get there on a train. Well, first of all, it's about £11.

I know I'll do the journey. Actually, it's probably less, £8 one way. Like, sometimes I feel like just, I feel like walking around just for a little wrap of craps.

They just take that, there you go. Just don't hassle me. That's what you want, to take that.

Anyway, yeah, so he spoke with a, yeah, my friend, so I've got this, he said, go on and on and on. My, my magical toes can do this, my magical toes can do that. Wasn't just the toenails, apparently his whole toes, all of his toes are magic too.

And I thought, you know what? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to test it out to see if any of this stuff is true, because obviously the toenail growing is true. So I shat, I rubbed the toenail, just as he had mentioned before, you know, other times I was kind of half listening, half wishing to move out. And I said, I said to the, I rubbed the toenail, I said, take me home toenail, oh magical one.

I felt a little bit silly saying it, I'll be honest. But there wasn't anyone else around, but it was still one of those things, you know, like I said it out loud. What if a crab heard, because, you know, there's crabs, isn't there? There's crabs about.

Do you know crabs? Well, they're like proper gossipers. Tell one crab something, the whole ocean knows in about three days. Seriously, proper gossipers.

It's, I think it's, I think it's time to do their eyes. They've got an attitude, crabs have got a spoil. I think they're better than others.

I think crabs a little bit like that. They've got, they really dwell on other people's misfortune. I've noticed that.

I don't think it's a great quality. Dolphins, things with dolphins are what people don't realize. They say all dolphins are the most intelligent species, but they're not.

What dolphins are are really good actors. Yeah. They're con artists, that's what dolphins are.

You could say, well, yeah, that's, that is intelligence. But I argue, if you use intelligence, if you use it to con other people, then you're not intelligent. You're just a scum, scummy con artist.

And that's what dolphins are. I've never been so upset to say something out loud before, but dolphins, don't trust them. I remember, I've only known about six dolphins in the past, dated them once, and she was lovely.

You know, but it was always the same. It's always the same date. You know, there's no, no variety.

There's always, let's go for a swim. Let's go for a swim. You know, let's eat some fish.

Let's go for it. There's no, no variety. I mean, you should have heard the commotion when I suggested that maybe we sunbathe for a bit.

It was almost like she didn't want to be seen in public with me. Very, very disappointing. And what a nag.

She nagged. That's my impression of her. She just went on and on and on and on and on.

In the end, I started thinking there's something fishy going on there because she's, it's almost like it was misdirection. Focusing negativity onto me, blame onto me. But I think she was up to something.

That's what I thought. So why did I go, well, what do you do in that situation? Of course, you ask a crab. So I went, you don't even have to ask a particular one.

You just go to any crab in the ocean to say, look, now, do you know about Doris? Doris the dolphin? You know, she's dating Jason. And that's what I did. I didn't actually tell the crab who I was.

But I just went up to a crab. Didn't have to go long, dug up a little bit. In fact, I couldn't find anyone.

So what I did is I was like, oh, I can't be bothered to actually go into the sea. So I just looked, looked through some windows, and I saw a crab on the counter, like in the kitchen, someone's kitchen, and clearly got a cookie or something. I thought, okay.

So I just, there's no one around. So I went in, as you do, climbed down the chimney. The thing is, if you climb down chimneys because of Santa Claus or Father Christmas, people generally expect nice things to happen.

When someone glanced down the chimney, it's, you know, it's present time, isn't it? It's seasonal. Well, that's what I thought. But the greeting I received was a little bit different.

So yeah, that was a bit awkward. I had to explain though, just like, look, I realize I've got no gifts this time, but I promise I'll come back with gifts on Christmas Eve. And he said, you're not Santa Claus.

I said, look, look at the beard. Look, can you see the beard? He said, yeah, but it's not fully gray. I said, of course it's not fully gray.

I said, why not? I said, because it's a fake beard that I put on during the summer. The sun, you know, and I, and I said, this sounds really silly. It sounds like you're making it up.

I said, yeah, I am a bit. And he said, who are you really? I said, okay, here's the story. My sister's in hospital.

She's pregnant. I want to get there before she has our baby. I'll get to the next town, which is 75 miles away.

But it's actually only a mile and a half. It's going to cost me 200 pounds to get there. Please have you got some crack? And they said, you're here to see the crab, aren't you? I said, how do you know? He said, you're, you're Jason, aren't you? And you date Doris D. Dolphin.

I said, how the hell do you know that? And he said, they put crab, hello, gossiper, tells everything. I can't believe it. I said, what the hell? Why are you, they're about to eat you.

Why, why are you telling them gossip? And the crab said, I was bored. I had to do something. I said, I can't believe, can't believe you really.

So I just, then he said, if you don't believe this, guess, guess what? I said, what? He said, you see him over there. He dresses up as a woman on the weekends. I said, how, gossiper, my crab.

Yeah. How do you know that? You've only been in the house for like half an hour or whatever, since they got you from the shop or the sea merchant or whatever. He said, no, I got told that weeks ago about him.

She pretends she goes to yoga, but she doesn't. I said, I'm not interested. Not interested in your gossip.

You should see what he does with a dog. I don't care. Stop it.

I don't want to know what happens. It, can you please do me a favor? He said, what? I said, can you tell me, do you know Doris the dolphin? He said, maybe. I said, if you know her, do you know, what are you doing? You've already told the others, you know, they told me, you told them.

He said, oh yeah, I forgot about that. I said, I know, I just remembered. And I said, is she up to something? Because I know she's a bit of a con artist.

He said, well, all dolphins are, aren't they? Famous for that. You can never trust a dolphin. I said, I know, I know.

But is she, is she being unfaithful to me? And he said, no, no. I said, what do you mean, you don't know? He said, well, you told me not to gossip. He said, you didn't like me gossiping.

He said, I shouldn't gossip. Well, that is what I believe you said to me minutes ago. I said, yeah, but I'm specifically asking you to tell me, so it's not gossiping.

If you tell me something, I'll ask you to tell me. Oh, but it originated from gossip. What do you mean? Well, I heard it from someone else.

It doesn't mean it's true. Because don't forget, gossip is gossip. That's for people with no lives.

They've got nothing better to do because their own lives are boring. So they gossip about other people. So it might not be true because a lot of gossip is really boring.

So you exaggerate. Right. I said, what do you mean, son? The things you tell other people that cause them, for example, to split up or to do weird things aren't always true.

He said, of course they're not true. Then he put his claws together. They do that as well.

See, we think, humans think that we did the, you know, when people do that, put their things together in order to sort of like to stress a word or like a paragraph or, you know, statement. Crabs were doing it long before. We copied crabs.

And I just thought, brilliant. So he just answered me, is she up to something? He said she might be. But I'm not sure if I should tell you.

I said, come on, Steve. He said, it's not my name. I said, I don't know what your name is, do I? He said, actually, perhaps if you did ask my name, you know, if you took a bit more interest in people, you'd have more friends.

I said, who says that I haven't got any friends? He said, hello, I'm a crab. I know stuff. I hear things.

Of course, he did his little claws and he said, I hear things. He was winding me up, he was. I said, oh, okay.

Hello, what's your name? He said, my name is Tony. Tony the crab. I said, okay, okay.

Hi, Tony. Do you know, are you pleased, can you tell me, has Doris, the dolphin, been doing something strange? Because I just, I feel we're moving apart, you know. And I'm not sure if the relationship's going to work.

And the crab looked at me. He said, Doris, she's a dolphin and you're a human. How could it possibly work? I said, look, you're being racist now.

That's out of order. Why can't a man and a dolphin live happily together? He said, firstly, I mean, how? I said, well, you know. I said, no, what do you mean? He said, how? How? I said, well, what are you on about, Tony the crab? He said, how do you, you know, do it? So if your mind is in the gutter, I'd like you to know that me and Doris have a very happy, sensual, romantic relationship.

And what we do in our own private shallow end of the beach, what we do together, there's no one else around. Or we can only do it when there's no one else around. It's between us.

It's got nothing to do with anyone else. We're in a loving relationship. To be honest, I'm almost, I'm shocked that you would even ask such a thing.

What would happen if I asked you about your relationship with, you know, a swordfish? He said, how do you know about that? How do I know about it? You're a crab. All crabs date swordfishes. It's a cliche.

Crabs, they date swordfishes and they gossip. That's the two things. Oh yeah, and they like to smoke cigars.

But you know, everyone knows that anyway. He said, you're just, you're just, I think you're the one that's prejudiced, mate. Generalizing like that.

Just assuming not all of us, all of us, because I'm a crab. All crabs smoke cigars. All crabs date swordfishes.

All crabs. Okay, we do gossip. Okay, that's fair enough.

But not all crabs date swordfishes. Okay, name one. Name one what? Name one crab that doesn't date a swordfish.

All right, okay, there's Albert. You're just making it up, aren't you? No, Albert. Have you not heard of Albert? Albert the crab.

No, I've not heard of him. I'm surprised. He's well heard around here.

Okay, why is he so well known? Well, he's well known because he doesn't date swordfishes. So you're going on about saying that I'm generalizing saying that crabs date swordfishes, but he's famous because he doesn't date swordfishes. Yeah, and because of the book he wrote.

Oh, he's a published author, is he? Yeah. What did he write? What was the book? Oh, it's called I Don't Date Swordfishes. That's the title of the book? Yeah.

Is it successful? Is it? Well, it was, you know, it was pre-ordered by probably about 600,000 crabs. He just did a local area, you know, and but no one actually got to finish the book. I said, why? He said, you try to read a book in the ocean.

Pages just really hard to turn. It will stick together. I said, well, why don't you read on the beach? You don't have to be inside the ocean.

He said, you try to turn pages with these claws. I said, that doesn't make sense. He said, it doesn't have to make sense.

Some things are just factual. They don't need to be explained. They don't need to be explored.

They just are what they are, because they are what they are. I said, listen, listen, Tony, the crab, I think you're just wasting my time. He said, yeah.

I said, why? He said, the longer you're here, the longer it is before I get boiled or cooked. I said, well, that's a good point. So I turned around and said, yeah, I'm done now.

Thanks. I left. See you, Tony.

So I didn't really get anywhere with that. And I thought, what else can I do? And I just remembered, seagulls have to tell the truth. No one knows why.

See, seagulls get a bad rap, you know, for stealing food off people. And they can be quite aggressive, you know, with other animals, with other like birds and stuff. And I remember my dad used to have a, like a bird, this whole setup outside and really nice setup, bird seeds and all that stuff.

For the birds, like for the froshes and everything. And the seagulls came used to come down, bully the other birds, get rid of them and take all the food. My dad used to get angry.

And I said to him, because he was like, no, why seagulls? He'd say, keep taking the food. I said, well, why don't you stick a sign out there for seagulls to read? Just to tell them to leave it alone. Got a funny look from him that day.

And the seagulls, what people don't realize is can't tell a lie, have to tell the truth. So even though they might be classed as like a hated bird, people don't like them. They're actually probably one of the most honest, well, they are the most honest bird that there is.

I mean, people love the blue tit, don't they? Tiny little blue tit or a tiny little robin. Terrible robins, complete opposite, lie all the time. They're so cute on Christmas cards, don't they? In the snow.

But if you could actually hear what they were saying, they'd be saying, yeah, I'm on the beach. I'm on the beach, I am. It's lovely, lovely beach, sunbathing, I am lovely.

You can clearly see them on the snow, but they will lie to your face. About anything. I'm an eagle, I am, I'm an eagle.

I used to be a crocodile. Honestly, I beat up a pen for once. I was like, shut up.

You know, it's just, I remember once, I flapped my wings so hard, I caused an earthquake. Like, just, you don't think of it, do you? You like to see a little robin, just bashed to the laptop there. You see a little robin, you think, oh, that's a cute little thing.

Complete bullshit, really. Lie, lie, lie after lie. So that's the cute one that we all love.

Then you've got a seagull. And another thing I realised is seagulls, you wonder why do they scream, make that howling noise when they're flying? They're scared of heights, that's why. So have a little bit of, a little bit of kindness from them for the future.

They cannot tell a lie. So what I thought is, you know what I'll do? I'll go and speak to my mate, the seagull, who's, you know, on the beach. He's not always on the beach.

Occasionally he'll fly over to the tip and sort of help himself to, you know, whatever he can find there and comes back. And that's like a rest stop for him. That's a day out.

But he'll come back eventually, and there's always food. A seagull will never go hungry. Seagulls will outlive humans, you know, throughout the centuries, you know, a million years, seagulls will still be around.

I reckon they've been around longer than the dinosaurs. And you might say, well, there are no dinosaurs. Crocodiles, that's the end of that one.

Now, the crocodiles, you know what? Crocodiles, there's something you don't realize about them because you only really see them when they're above water, where they've got their little eyes stick above water. That's how they breathe. They breathe through their eyes.

No one knows that, do they? They didn't realize that. Breathe through their eyes. They're not really eyes.

They're actually little nostrils that look like eyes. And they have weapons. So it looks like they grab someone that's underwater, right? No, they grab people, but they've got like guns and everything, all kinds of stuff.

But what crocodiles are really good at, so they're very different. Some people say, what's the difference between a crocodile and alligator? Well, size and, I guess, different parts of the world and that. They are very similar.

The difference is crocodiles are much better at sewing. Alligators, knitting. It's a different thing.

You can say it's similar, but it's not. It's a different thing. I mean, it depends if they're hungry, they've got to eat.

Depends what time of the year it is. But you know, you can order a scarf or a hat. So if you've got a baby coming, and you want to get a hat and some little gloves with your strings attached, you know, you could probably get that done within a week, if you order it.

You've got to make sure you pay them, though. You don't want to mess with a crocodile or an alligator. I mean, I know we're talking about alligators right now with the knitting, but crocodiles.

If you can talk to an alligator, you've got a week. They don't necessarily want a down payment. They're quite happy to do the work and then take the payment afterwards, because they know that you're going to pay, because they're kind of forceful, you know.

But there's the crocodile that will only do sewing while you wait. So let's say if you've got to rip in trousers, or your coat or something, they will only do it while you're actually waiting. Which means your item of clothing is there, and you're not going to get your item of clothing back until you've paid them.

And another thing that people don't realise, I'm not sure about alligators, because there's a few little myths about them. I say myths, I used to think it was factual until I saw Tony the crab, because I got a lot of my information about crocodiles and alligators from the crabs. Now I realise that it might not all be true.

So I thought gossip was like real stuff, but I'm not sure how much I can trust with the whole thing. But I've been led to believe, because I've never lived anywhere where there's crocodiles or alligators, I've been led to believe that alligators, no, yeah, alligators, they don't accept money. But they do like chocolate eggs.

You know, like Easter eggs. And it's a bit of a weird one, because if you don't buy an Easter egg, like April, January, February, March, you know, leading up to Easter, buying a chocolate egg is quite expensive, because you have to go to a chocolate shop or whatever. And they're not taking any of those little, little Cadbury's cream eggs.

They don't, they don't accept that. It has to be, doesn't have to be big, you know, doesn't have to be like the size of a house. How would you carry it? But if it was, it has to be big enough that you need two hands to carry it.

Not heavy necessarily, but just big enough. Like it has to be in a box. It has to be nicely decorated.

And if you really want to get on the right side of an alligator, put ribbons around it. And, you know, that's fine. Crocodiles, they like to be kissed.

They like a nice kiss. Especially their tail, they like their tails to be cuddled, because they can't get to it. You know, it's the other side of their body.

And it's not like, crocodiles aren't like cats and dogs, where they can kind of get to all different places and stuff. Crocodiles are very long. And they like just to have their tail cuddled.

Or, I don't know, it depends what the job is you've done for them, or they've done for you rather. So if it's a short job, you know, just restitching a like a hole or something like that. That's not a big job.

And maybe you cut their tail for maybe, I don't know, a minute or two. But if you're having a whole zip replaced, on a jacket or something like that, you might as well settle down for the afternoon. You can be cutting that tail for quite a while.

But I'd say it's worth it. Because it happened to me lately, lately, recently, a zip broke on my jacket. And the worst part of having a zip breaking on the jacket is I can't do the zip up anymore.

Because it's broken. And because the zip's broken, I can't do the jacket up. So the two bits, so when I put the jacket on, I put my arms in, and the two bits that are supposed to go together don't, which is kind of a bit pointless.

And that's like walking around with shoes on. But with no soles, you know, just with your feet touching the ground. There'd be no point with that.

Unless you live somewhere where it's just sand. But no, I don't know. Because I've seen some countries, well, on a telly, and even sand, I mean, you've got scorpions, and you've got the sand.

I always thought sand, why isn't it sharp? Because it is sharp, isn't it? It doesn't feel sharp. Because that's how they make glass, isn't it? Out of sand. But they got that the wrong way around.

I didn't realize that while I was speaking to a seagull. Of course, seagulls can't lie. And the seagull said to me, because I said to him, that same thing, he said, you know what, Bob, why doesn't my feet, actually I did say my hands, because I was walking on my hands at the time, but why doesn't the sand sort of cut my hands or my feet? Because, you know, that's what makes glass.

And he said, ah, you're wrong. So I knew straight away, well, seagulls don't lie. I said, listen, Bob, what do you mean? Because that's a good thing.

When you're dealing with someone that doesn't ever lie, ever, and they have to tell the truth, you cut right through the crap. You don't have to beat around the bush or try and figure out are they telling the truth or not. Tell the truth all the time.

I said, what do you mean? He said, it's the other way around, mate. I said, what? He said, no, it's the other way around, Stephen. I said, Stephen? My name's Jason, have you forgotten my name's Jason? He said, no, no, originally it was Stephen, but then you were adopted.

Great. That's nice to find out, isn't it? I said, where did you hear that from, the crabs? He said, no, no, it's fact. I don't listen to the crabs.

They come out with a lot of rubbish sometimes. I said, I was adopted. He said, yeah, you were adopted.

Your original name was Stephen, but you were adopted because your parents, they're a little bit worried that you're going to eat too much. And so they thought, get rid of him. So they did, they put you up for adoption and you, yeah, you grew up with Mr and Mrs Wong.

That's why. I said, do you mean my mum and dad? They're not my real parents. He started laughing.

That's another thing about seagulls. They do tell the truth, but the very, I don't know what the right word is. There's a superiority there.

There's like a real kind of talking down, laughing at people. They laugh at people that don't know as much as them. And I'm not, yeah, you know, I like the honesty.

That's nice to a degree. I mean, you don't have to know everything about everything. You don't always have to be told everything.

Some things are nice not to know, I would say, just my own personal opinion. I didn't need to hear that. I definitely didn't need for him to be laughing at me, laughing at my ignorance.

So yeah, I was just, yeah, I said, look, I said, I'm just in shock. He said, really? I said, yeah. He started laughing again.

I said, look, can you just stop laughing? He said, okay, okay. You know, what do you want then, Steve? I mean, Jason. I said, look, the reason I've come to you is simply because you know that I'm with Doris, the dolphin.

He said, yeah, everyone knows that. I said, what do you mean everyone? He said, you're the talk of the ocean, mate. I said, why? He said, you're dating a dolphin.

Yeah. Why is that weird? He said, if you don't know why it's not weird, why it is weird, or why you don't know why it's weird, something like that, then I'm not, I can't really explain it to you other than just say it's weird. And I thought, of course he doesn't lie, does he? But doesn't that, isn't that more like an opinion? He said, no.

I said, that's just rude. That's rude. He said, no, sorry.

And I said, well, can you just answer me? Is my beautiful girlfriend doing anything sort of strange? Because I think we're like drifting apart and she hasn't quite been herself lately. And he said, don't worry. She's basically, the reason you haven't seen her lately as much is you've been planning a birthday party for your 50th birthday.

So, and as far as how she feels for you, she loves you more than ever. She doesn't stop talking about it. It's annoying, but I have to be honest.

Well, yeah, I have to be honest. I'm a seagull. All she does is talk about how wonderful you are.

I felt really nice. It's like, oh. And he said, the problem is you might not be so excited about the birthday party.

I said, why not? So it's in the middle of the ocean. I said, well, I can't swim. And he said, well, why don't you just come on your giant toenail and we'll kind of meet you there.

And I thought, wow, what a clever way to end the story. Come in full circle back to the magic toenail. He said, yeah, I know.

It was good, wasn't it? I said, yeah, I wouldn't have thought of that. He said, well, you know, I'm a seagull, aren't I? I said, well, yeah, I know. He said, well, I'm superior.

That's the word I was looking for. I feel superior. Anyway, he said, but don't worry.

Doris the dolphin loves you. So there's nothing fishy going on. So we're laughing at him.

He said, well, you don't know. So you take care of yourself. And I'm going to go.

I said, wait a minute. You're telling me you've got to go. You've got things to do.

You're looking for the word seagull. Yeah. You're a seagull.

He said, yeah, I know. Oh, okay. And then I got on my magic toenail and left.

And we all lived happily ever after. Not the best ending, but you know, I need to go to the toilet. I just got a text from my neighbor.

He said, look, you're farting so much. I can smell it down there. Can you please go to the toilet? Okay, fair enough.

So thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Lots of love.

Bye.