#471 Let me bore you to sleep

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Moonland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen and you can safely close your eyes. Little Andre the ferret is in my arms as we speak.

He's giving me cuddles. And giving me kisses. You're a good boy.

Sometimes. Sometimes you're a good boy. Sometimes you're naughty, aren't you? He wants to go for a walk but I'm recording this a bit early in the evening, or a bit earlier than normal rather, it's late at night.

Well, it's 17 minutes past 11. So, are you my beautiful little boy? Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You've got the cutest nose in the whole world. Yes, you have. Get off me.

Get off. No, I want to cuddle you. Get off me.

You're not my real daddy. Yes, I am your real daddy. No, you're not.

You don't smell like a ferret. Oh, Andre. Yeah, you smell worse.

What? You just smell dirty. Oh, Andre, stop it. Stop being rude.

Oh, good boy. He wants to get down. Okay, there you go.

So, I'm having to do this topless. So, think yourself lucky it's not on video. Which means whenever I move my back, you want to hear this.

So, what I'm going to do actually is put something over the back so it doesn't do that. So, I've just placed a cardigan thing over the back. So, I've got the armrests and the back covered.

Andre's been asleep pretty much all day. I put him in his cage, I don't know, about 12 o'clock last night and I let him out when I got up. And then he went to sleep.

So, he's been asleep. I did take him out once about eight o'clock, something like that. So, he seemed to enjoy getting out.

What was annoying him is I didn't realize he'd done a big poo right near the front door on paper, but it was still not the place he should be doing it. And he wasn't right near the front door, but he ran right through it with excitement to get to the front door because he knew I was going out. It was everywhere, honestly.

Now, he's pretty good like that, to not do that. He's very clean, generally. Once he's out of his bum, he doesn't mind if I do it.

Sometimes he lies a little sniff as if like, what is that? Well, you just gave birth to Andre. It's a little baby. It's one of your little, it's a little ferret.

Doesn't fall for it though. And so, I pick him up. I've got my white gloves on ready to go out.

I've got my jacket on. I'm all kind, no more jacket. I wasn't wearing a jacket.

I had my trousers on and I had a shirt on and my shoes. I was about to put his harness on him. I'd opened the door and unlocked the front door.

And that's when he just ran through the poo. I didn't see it there. I suppose it's possible I could have walked in that, but I didn't, but he did.

So I pick him up, hoping that, you know, it's just a little bit on his feet, but it wasn't. It's all over him. He managed it because once he got to the front door, he started rolling, little crocodile, you know, trying to get out, sniffing underneath the door.

It's not the first time it's happened, but it doesn't happen very often. It's not a great start to a recording, is it? But it's all over my white gloves. Lucky I had gloves on, I suppose, but I had to chuck the gloves away.

I put him in the bath while I try and figure out what to do with him. So the bath's starting to look like some kind of dirty protest. And I end up having to get a shower and just bathe him and get it all off of him that way.

So he's underneath the tap for about five minutes as I sort of drench him, completely drench him, so that every bit of that stuff's off of him. And I'll dry him off. He's yelling because he doesn't like it.

And let him go, you know, thinking if he runs back into the poo again, I'm just, oh, he didn't. And so I got some paper and, you know, cleared up the stuff, made it so I could walk on the pavement, on the carpet again. Had to get some new gloves.

I'm running out of my white gloves now. Because I've literally for probably four months, I've been wearing white gloves when I go out. And because most of the time that I go out, I've got Andre with me and I'm picking him up so my gloves are getting dirty.

I mean, not the kind of dirt that was on them today. But it's so annoying. And I was talking to my friend about him because I was in the garage, petrol station, getting some few little bits, get some stuff for him and some for me.

Andre was out there with my friend and my friend's dog. And Andre attacked my friend's foot, bit him on the back of his foot, his ankle, and then went to bite the dog. Now, this is a hugely strong dog.

And I don't know why Andre can't control himself, cannot control himself. And when I have the dog up here, I have to put Andre into the bedroom, keep them apart. The dog's fine with him.

The dog loves him. They love each other. But Andre cannot control himself.

He has to bite his feet or, you know, his ankles. And it's only a matter of time before the dog snaps at him, literally might snap at him. You know, and I can understand why.

Because it's painful. It's painful to, when he does it, and it's much, and he's not gentle when he does it with a dog. He's not gentle when he does it with my friend, and he's not gentle when he does it with me.

He's a little bit more gentle, like licking first, before he kind of goes for it. And he's nibbled on other people's feet. But he's never really kind of hurt anyone.

But yes, he's drawn blood from my feet a few times. But again, he's not meaning to. I think he wants to really get hold of it.

Really wants to bite hard. And that's his, there's something in him wants to do it. Now I was talking to my friend who's had ferrets in the past, including one that he had, that was Andre's uncle.

Andre's uncle used to always go for the, the crease in your arm, you know, you know, where you'd get blood, blood tests taken. And he bit me once. Not my friend, the ferret, the ferret bit me.

And really, it was a horrible bite, really hard and twisted. He had to do like a crocodile roll. And it was, it took weeks before it healed.

And he did it to loads of people. To the point where if I went down there, I couldn't go down with a short sleeve shirt on, had to wear a long sleeve shirt. Because it, it goes for the fingers in between the finger and thumb.

That seems to be a thing that they had in common. Andre does that as well. But more so with my friend than with anyone else.

For some reason, he's got that connection. But he's known my friend since he was a baby. He's known him as long as he's known me.

So he's, really, there's only three people in Andre's life, regularly in there. That's me, my friend and the dog downstairs. Even though they love each other, they really do.

And when they're out, don't bother each other at all. They're both on the lead. And Andre's happy to follow him.

They follow each other around. They can be in the garden off, off leads, and they wouldn't bother each other. But if they're stationary, Andre creeps up.

And he bites. He can't, he's almost, like, he doesn't know he's doing it. He doesn't know, he's got no control over it, which is very strange.

But it was the same with my friend's ferret. Even to the point of being crafty. You know, he'd like to just cuddle up.

He's much more cuddly than Andre is, his other ferret. He'd cuddle up. And he'd just, you know, let you stroke him and just be really, really gentle.

And once he realized that you're distracted when you're talking to someone else, it seizes opportunity. He'd just, he'd aim, like a little sniper. So you never, you never saw it coming.

Sometimes I didn't even know he was on the sofa. He'd like, creep up and suddenly attack my arm, just like Andre's attacking my feet. Get off, get off Andre.

He's now attacking my, they're not slippers, but whatever it is I'm wearing on my feet. They're plastic, but he's, he's biting them. He really wants the contents.

Literally just bit my left foot, my toes on my left foot. And I've got socks on. Can't help it.

There's something about, it seems to be about my feet as well, because we were walking back from the garage. And we saw some flip flops that were on the floor. Someone must have dropped them out of a bag or something and they've been used.

So, sort of let Andre have a sniff. He was not interested. Had a sniff and then walked on.

Blimey, can you make more noise, Andre, please? All right, I've got them in my arms again. Are you going to behave yourself? Do you know how to behave yourself? Have you got any self-control at all? No, have you? Yeah, fair enough. It's a little bit cooler now.

So I've still got my boobies out, but it's really, really been hot today. I've noticed that probably more today than the previous days. But it's, I've got the windows open and it's cooler, but it's still not cool enough to put a t-shirt on.

And we went to the garage and my friend said, can I come up? And I just said, yeah, come up for a little bit. I said, I would say yes, but no, I can't. I've got to get undressed when I get back upstairs.

I can't sit here with nothing on. It's too hot. I ran away screaming.

I mean, I can't sit here. I've never in my whole life sit apart from when I was a kid, a child. And I suppose I wasn't self-aware then, physically self-aware.

I couldn't sit there without any clothes on, with no bag, a top on even. I do have shorts on and unfortunately I've got socks on because when Andre's around, I have to wear socks. There's zero choice on that one.

But the good thing is he's been in his bed, in his cage for the last couple of days, couple of nights rather. I've been able to take my socks off and lay on the bed without a top on as well. And it's lovely.

I can't do that on his ear. Oh, I've got a lovely message here from Kay. It says, hi Jason.

This has literally just come through nine minutes ago. Hi Jason, just a quick note to ask. If you get a card letter through from Moonpig in the next couple of days, then please leave it until your birthday.

I asked them to send it closer to your birthday, but then I've had an email saying it was dispatched. Lots of love. Thank you, Kay.

If anyone else wants to send their birthday card or present or anything like that, million pound check. My postal address is on my website at the top. And what I'll do is I will save any cards and stuff until I do the live broadcast.

So I can show them to you and thank you at the same time on my birthday, on the 26th of August. So that's 15 days away. So I also posted on my Facebook pages, the stats from last month.

For those of you that love hearing about my stats. 32E4953. Very in proportion.

139,288 podcast downloads last month. Thank you to all my lovely listeners. That's what I posted.

It's not bad, is it? It's a nice little number. It's the third best month I've had so far in the last two years. So it's growing.

It's growing. So I'm guessing, I mean, this so far got 43,000 the last 10 days. The first 10 days of August.

I've not produced a huge amount of recordings. So I'm looking probably about 150,000 for August. Once I start getting my act together and getting some more stuff done.

I better just say thank you to Kay. And Rihanna. Just want to say thank you to Rihanna.

And yeah, thank you twice. Although I don't think Rihanna listens anymore. She might do.

I didn't hear. I didn't know. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure she listens to these recordings. But yeah, I want to thank all the listeners. So everyone that listens, whether you listen to these or whether you listen to, or if you listen to the other recordings as well.

The other podcasts, you know, it's all gravy, man. It's all gravy. It's weird though, because earlier Monday, earlier Monday, I was just really not feeling it.

I was just not in the best space at all. Maybe it's the heat. It's a few different things.

But now, I have something I want to read. And it's something about, what is it? Someone said, when you're 17, people tell you you've got a life ahead of you. Your whole life ahead of you.

When you're 67, people ask you, what have you done with your life? Or maybe you ask yourself, what have you done with your life? And I started to think, well, I thought about that, because it is something I do ask myself. And in some ways, I'm doing all right. I can look back, and if I continue what I'm doing, I can look back and think, well, I'm trying to help a few people along the way.

So I have done something. I'm contributing to society in the best way that I know how, by just sharing my boredom-ness, my extreme ability to be boring. That's a skill, apparently.

Yeah, it's a skill. It's a skilly, skilly, so really, really skilly, really, really, really, skilly. I'm skilly.

So yeah, it's, I go through these little phases, like, wow, everything feels really good right now. And yeah, I don't want to complain. I'm just thinking, why? Why suddenly? Why now? I'm just going to have a drink.

I've eaten today, or Monday, rather. It's still Monday, but I'll put this down as tomorrow's recording, because I'll still be recording it tomorrow. It's only 20 minutes left of the day.

But during Monday, I still spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out how to do the mastering of the audios, and I still can't, I still just, it just doesn't sound right to me. It sounds... What I do is low volume. It's, of course, I don't want it to be, like, too quiet for people to hear, but it is softly spoken.

When you do softly spoken on a loud volume, you hear a lot of, like, shhh, you know, background hissing. Not hissing so much, but like a background sound, compared to if you've got the volume down, probably a bit lower. So when I increase the loudness, there's that background sound, which, to me, sounds a bit staticky, a bit not what I really want to hear.

And part of the reason for that is because it's just me talking, and there's no music, there's no, you know, generally. There are other ways, there are other things I can do to maybe improve things, but if you're happy with the, if you're okay with the recording, the quality of the recording, no one's really ever said anything, that, oh, she's terrible, don't like this recording, then, you know, I'll keep the ads off. I got rid of the ads, by the way.

And, yeah, I think I'm going through a midlife crisis. I think I am, like a mini one. Because this is like part of me thinking, well, in order to be successful, then I should be, you know, have a business, or I should be earning money.

How can I be successful and still be unemployed? But I would class that I'm doing quite well, as far as the growing audience and, you know, all that stuff. Oh, my throat. Oh, yeah.

So yeah, 140,000 downloads in a month. Ain't too, ain't too shabby, is it? I mean, think about that based on a, it's already like 1.6 million on the podcast sort of overall. But if you think it's never going to go below this month, now, this is low, it won't go lower than this.

It's 139,288, so less than 140,000. For argument's sake, 140,000 times by 12. So it's 1.680. So it's 1,680,000 a year downloads.

I think, again, I might be wrong. I think if I remember correctly, I worked out, I think it was in June, I had 13,000 listeners. And I did have more, I think I had 146.

No, I had less downloads last June. The month before, I think I had 146. 148, month before that was 146.

Had a bit of a drop in June. In July, just under 140. This month will be 480.

At least 130, just based on this month. So this week, there'll be a lot more, probably 150. So 1.6 million a year.

That's all right, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Isn't it? I don't know. 1,600,000 divided by 365. It's not that much.

It's only 4,383 a day. And most days I hit over 4,000. Monday, there's still two hours left, Monday, from the stats perspective, there was 4,500.

So 4,500. Yeah, 1.642 million. So yeah, there's no way I can't reach that.

You know what I mean? You get me? So once I get to 1,000, 150,000, divided by 12, 1.8 million. That's still less than 5,000 a day. 4931.

So what is 2,160,000 a month, times by 12. 170,000 times by 12. Okay.

So 170,000 times by 12 is just over 2 million. Divide that by 365, 5,589 a day. So 5,500 to get 2 million downloads a year.

Yeah. And I hit that and go above that loads of times during a month. Wow.

See 2 million, I'd like to get to 10. Well, I suppose I need to get to 2 million first. But my next goal really, because at the moment I'm reaching 5,000, 4,000, 5,000, 6,000 a day.

6,000 is a really, really good day. 7,000 is a brilliant day. 5,000 is an average day if I've made a few recordings, make a couple of recordings.

4,000 is an average day if I make one recording. Sometimes when I make no new recordings, it will be below 4,000, maybe 3,700 or something. Sometimes still will hit reach over 4,000.

So my goal is to reach 10,000 a day. My goal was to do that by the end of this year. And 10,000 a day, every day, at least.

Times by 30, it's 300,000. So of course, there might be some days where it's like 9,000 and other days where it's 12,000. But I'm aiming an average of 10,000 a day.

That's what I want. So much for me having these arm things to stop my arm from sticking to the thing. It's not working.

So then that would be 300,000 a month. So basically, it's just double. It's kind of double and a little bit more than what it already is.

So 300,000 times by 12, it's 3.6 million instead of 1.6 million. So it's an extra 2 million divided by 365. It's still, it's less than 10,000.

It's 9,863. So, well, so 10,000 divided by 365, it's 365,000. 36, yeah, wow, 10,000.

This is boring, isn't it? It's supposed to be boring though. Divided by 365, divided by 12, it's 304,166 downloads a month. So that's what I'm aiming at.

I'd like to reach that by December, but last year I wanted to reach 10,000 by December. And I never, you know, I was reaching 2 to 3,000 a day by December last year. And so I'm kind of, it's a lot more now than it was.

It's just, yeah, it's for impatience, I guess. I don't mean inpatient as in not hospital. I mean, I just, it's not that I want everything now.

I just would like to, it gives me a little boost, a little boost, you know, a little, well, wow. You know what I mean? Gives me a little bit of something special. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's 139,000. So I want to do, yeah, 150 this month, then 160 next month. This is boring, I'm boring myself now.

170 in October, 150, 160, 170 October, 180 November, 190 December. But that's not enough though, because 190,000 a month times by, this is 2.28 million divided by 365, still only 6,246 a day. So yeah, I reckon I should meet, I reckon I should be able to reach 10,000 by the end of the year, by the day.

Because 6,000 is, I've got over 6,000 loads of times, doesn't even seem like a very big target. So 10,000 just seems like a nice even number, you know. Yeah.

And then the following year, I'd like to have 20,000 a day by the end of next year, 2021. And that'd be 7.3 million a year. That'd be 608,333 a day, a month rather, times by 12, 7. So yeah, I think that'd be quite cool.

And then the following year, 30,000 a day, which would give me 10,950,000 a year. Now the 10 million mark is quite a nice little mark, isn't it? The million was nice. Now I'm sort of at 1.6 million a year, kind of, you know, the 1 million doesn't seem to really matter anymore.

So to get to 10 million, so that's two years away, two years and four months. Yeah. See, that'd just be groovy.

I might sound a bit strange, but it's only 30,000 a day. It's only 30,000. It's 30,000 divided by 5. 5, 10, 15, 20, 20, 30.

This is basically 5, 10. It's 6. It's 6 fives. So it's just 6 times what I've already got.

Or five times more. I'm already, I'm confused. I've already got 15.

So it's another 25,000. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore. I'm confused.

Ever so confused. I think it's the 50 year old. I mean, maybe I'm going through the menopause.

Maybe that's why I'm getting so hot. I mean, it's hot flushes. It's possible.

I just don't know. I just don't know. I just don't know anymore.

All right. Let me have another little drink. Call me Dan.

So I did a relaxation for stress and anxiety recording Monday. You can hear all that noise. Probably sounded like someone's putting their rubbish out, but probably not.

I completely forgot what I was talking about. Do we actually have a shave? My beard has been really itchy today. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to think, thinking about stopping putting the itching powder in my beard.

I sprinkle a bit of itching powder in the first thing in the morning. Usually last thing at night when I go to bed, sometimes a little bit during the day, but it's starting to itch. So I'm thinking, oh, perhaps I shouldn't do that.

Maybe. So what other things going on? I think that's the thing. There's nothing going on.

There's my dad wanted to come and see me for my birthday. He won't come in the flat because of Andre. And to be fair, I'm not tidying this place up for visitors.

It's messy in there, and it's going to stay messy. I live with a ferret. He's messy, and I'm messy.

So between the two of us, I'm not tidying up for visitors. I just can't be bothered. Plus, you know, I just can't ask, but he said we can meet at the garden centre.

I just don't fancy going into a public place now wearing masks. I just, if I could avoid it, if I, you know, if I have to go into a place like the garage, get some food or bits and bobs, I will. But not as a leisurely thing.

And sitting in a restaurant. I use the word restaurant. And it's more like a cafe kind of cafeteria.

Well, you know, it's a restaurant, but you know, it's not like a restaurant restaurant. It's very big, very big place. Probably holds a couple hundred people, I would say, if not more actually.

And it's, I just don't want to be in a place with people just breathing on me. I've got an itch. I've got an itch.

Sometimes when you've got an itch, you've got to scratch it. So yeah, I think it's going to be a case of just me speaking to them on the phone on my birthday. Wait until things are kind of normalised a bit.

It's weird though, hitting 50. Just feels a bit strange. It feels, when I hit 40, I really couldn't care.

I had stuff going on. I'd other stuff that was way more important than me being 40 years old. I mean, I've just finished my university course.

I've just become qualified. Well, I was qualified as a counsellor the year before, but I'd become, you know, I'd gained my degree. I hadn't had the presentation of the certificate yet, but graduation, I think that was in November.

But in June or July, whenever it was, that was when the course finished. But I was busy. I was trying to run a business, which I had been since the summer before, or yeah, or something like that.

You know, I was trying to run a counselling business. I was seeing clients, charities, and one charity actually. So I had quite a lot going on to be particularly concerned about reaching 40.

And when I think back, 40 is nothing, isn't it? It's such a, it's not, it's quite a young age, actually, 40. Doesn't even feel like anything, and definitely doesn't really feel like 10 years ago. 40, because I was living in that little room in that bungalow, it was a bungalow, a cottage, cottage, where I'd lived throughout my degree course.

And I think I was just enjoying the summer. I was enjoying having finished the course, done the dissertation, and just kind of the freedom of having done that. But at the same time, I was, I had my own counselling practice, was self-employed, didn't have many people to see, but I was, you know, still working on the website.

I was still making recordings for podcasts, still making videos, you know, YouTube hypnosis videos. And I had to, you know, I had quite a lot going on. I had a friend I used to sort of socialize with.

And things are a lot quieter in my life now than they were then. Not that things were hectic, but in some ways, it feels as if it's a slow motion. Yet still moving quickly, you know, still moving towards 50.

Yet still moving forward. I think I can actually say that the last few years, I have done quite a lot, you know, regarding the online stuff, the podcasts, and I've worked quite hard on these things, the last two, three years, however long it's been. So I just, I think, you know what, I can look back, I think, yeah, I had done something.

I did do something. And I think that thought pattern, or that thought process, actually gave me a little bit of a boost earlier. A little bit of something.

Just a little bit of something, something, you know, just a bit of, maybe I can look back and think, yeah, cool, you know, I have regrets, but everyone does, don't they? It's just standard. I've made mistakes, but I did it my way. Yeah, but I haven't done it my way.

If you think about it, really, well, you don't have to think about it, I mean, you're probably asleep now anyway, so I'm just waffling. That makes a change. There's, I've done some, I've done things a little bit differently to how the other people online that do what I do, do.

There's all sorts of do's there. Do, do, do, do, do, do. I just do it my way.

I do it my, my version of what I do. And I guess it took me quite a while to find my own voice, to find my own way of doing things. I've always done it my own way, but I did try and, once I used to try and do things properly.

Honest, I did. Honest, honest, you know, I gave it a go. I did try to be professional once.

Yeah, I think now there's no barrier. There's no, there's no me or you. There's us, I think, when it comes to these recordings.

There's no, there's no putting on a fake persona. It's just me. And I suppose, yeah, sometimes I guess I'm not going to talk like this all the time.

You know, if I was in a conversation with somebody, I probably wouldn't talk like this. But this is how I would talk if I could get away with it. This is me.

This is how I communicate. This is my natural way. And you know, when I read, I read very slowly.

It sounds a bit childish, I know, when I read something. That is kind of the speed that I read at. I'm a slow reader.

It's, that's why I quite like to listen to audiobooks, because nothing's quicker. I'm not in a race. I think the reason why I don't read so fast, it's because I don't read anything that's interesting.

Let me explain what I mean by that. I do read interesting things. But they're factual things, they're, if you look at my book collection, I've got a very, very, very small book collection now.

But most of it is kind of textbooks, counseling, therapy, hypnosis, things like that, psychotherapy. And they're not really what you would call page turners. That was a bit of a big S, that's gonna, that's gonna sound high, isn't it, on the scale of this recording.

They're not page turners. Unlike a storybook, you know, or some science fiction or fiction, something that grips you and you want to turn the page to see what happens next. Now, I haven't really, I can't remember the last time I read a book that gripped me like that.

And I used to, when I was younger, when I was a kid, I used to, I was a prolific reader. Very, very prolific. Loved reading books, not just storybooks, but also books on things I didn't even understand.

Things like astronomy, for example. The, you know, I had a telescope when I was a kid. I was about, I don't know, 11, 12 maybe.

So I had a telescope. And I used to read, I used to go to the library and I used to borrow books on astronomy. I loved the books that were new.

It was the smell. It was something special about the smell. And I'd read them.

I remember I'd sit there in, not the living room, but the other room. It was like a, there was a lounge where we sort of sit on a Saturday night. And then there was another room that sometimes it had a table up, sometimes it wouldn't, you know, it depends.

I used to sit in there sometimes. I think probably more like on a Sunday or Christmas or something. I used to read books and I did not have a clue what I was reading about.

All I knew is it felt nice. I don't know why. It almost is, you know, I did it when I was 16.

I bought a book on Freud. It was his life story. Big.

I think it was paperback, but it was, there was like 400 pages or 500 pages, big old thing. And I read it. I read the whole thing back to front.

Back to front? Front to back. Yeah. Yeah.

But page to page. No. Cover to cover.

That's what I was looking for. Back to front. You're not Chinese, are you? No.

I wonder why. I wonder why some cultures read the books. Not cultures.

I don't know what's the right word, but I think Chinese. It's not only Chinese, I think. Don't other parts of the world also read from the back to the front? Including writing.

So writing from the right to the left rather than left to the right, because that's the way they read. I might be wrong. It doesn't matter really.

It just explains why. Well, it doesn't really explain anything, does it? I guess it's just, it'd be like some kind of weird mind thing, I reckon. It'd be really strange to learn to read completely different.

I've never done it, but completely different from how, like our language. I know that millions, maybe billions of people can speak more than one language. I can't.

Comprende? I can't. It's not that I couldn't, if I wanted to, but I just haven't. It wasn't something that I... It didn't interest me.

It just didn't. It never interested me to learn another language. I don't really know why, but I've been told that when you do, if you learn another language, it changes the way you feel.

So when you're talking in that language, you feel differently to the way you do when you're talking in your own language. I don't know if that's true or not. But I imagine reading, especially if you're reading from the back of the book to the front of the book, or from the right of the page to the left of the page, it's got to be some surreal, it's got to be really strange, some kind of trip.

I mean, I remember a lady telling me, she was from Poland, and she said, sometimes when someone talks in England, when they talk too quickly, she has to try and catch up because she's interpreting it to herself. So she's hearing the English, and she's saying it through in her own language in her head. Not really fast, but still, it's, wow.

What do you think? Would there be world peace if everyone spoke the same language, just one language? So I used to think that when I was about 15. But then I used to think about a lot of things when I was 15. I used to think about Sarah.

I was in love with this girl called Sarah. Absolutely obsessed with her. I don't know why.

Well, I do know why, but I don't know. I fell in love with her. I did.

And I think she was my priority when I was 15. I did the karate, martial arts. I used to write poems.

I used to... Yeah, because 15, probably getting close to me leaving school, that was. And she was a couple of years younger than me, but she was more mature than I was. But she just wasn't interested.

It's quite weird because she ended up, I think she ended up doing the catering for my dad's wedding anniversary the other day. She and I don't know who else was with her, were doing the catering, I think, for my dad's wedding 28 years ago. And she saw me.

And I don't know if she recognized me, because I was, what was I, 21 then compared to being 15. You know, so that's a long time gone. It's only six years, but definitely looked different.

I had long hair. I was wearing a suit. I wasn't, well, I wasn't singing to her or giving her, because I used to buy her flowers and balloons and all kinds of stuff.

I was very romantic. When I was a kid, I was romantic, even in my early 20s. And yeah, I had a few little romantic moments.

Not so much with girlfriends I was with, but more for, I always had a thing for women that didn't want to date me. Kind of wanted what I couldn't have kind of situation, I think. But not in a, not in a creepy way, just in a, I don't know what it was.

It wasn't even that. Sometimes I used to be really, attracted to women that were horrible to me, actually were rude to me. I'm not now, but it's great.

But then if someone said, oh, I really like you, it's happened a few times, not many, not that often, but over the years. You know, a woman, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, a lady or girl or woman, young woman, when I was younger, would just say, I really like you. I just, I struggled to be interested.

Or I struggled to understand why they liked me. Didn't make sense to me. I remember when I worked in a co-op in that shop when I was 17, and this girl, she came up to me, handed me a letter.

I was behind the till. She said, open it when I'm gone. I said, oh, okay.

So I opened it, and it was like a love letter, saying, I really like you. I'd like to be your girlfriend and all that stuff. I said, oh, okay.

So they had to tell us that number on there. So I phoned her up. Probably the next day, because this was a Friday.

It's totally true. This was a Friday. And I don't know.

Anyway, I went around to her house, to her place. And I don't get what happened. I went around.

She lived with her parents when she was probably about 16. I was 17. Maybe she was 17, but she was like still a teenager as well as me.

And I went around to where she lived. I was staying in her bedroom while she was doing her hair and putting her makeup on. And I had nothing to say to her.

I didn't know what to say. And she didn't say anything to me. I just sat there, and then I left.

And that was it. That was the entire relationship. Nothing happened afterwards.

I'm still a bit unsure. Perhaps I should call her back. Give her a call, see how she is.

Yeah, hi. Is that Tracy? I'm not sure if you remember me. About 32 years ago, you handed me a letter.

At the co-op. Do you remember? It was a Friday afternoon. Yeah, I did say 32 years.

Wow. It's really weird. She probably was 16 then.

Now she'd be 49. 49. She might be a grandmother.

Wow. Where did the time be going? I don't know. Anyway, that's it.

I've got a few stories. I should do a podcast just on some of my weird relationships that I've had. Usually weird because of me, if I'm honest.

Although here's a... It's probably best to talk about it at the beginning of the podcast rather than when people are asleep. So, it's just a story about Andre. See, Andre, the original Andre, not Andre the Ferret, but he's my friend Andre back in the 90s.

He was... I don't know what it was about him, but he was like a magnet to women. They just seemed to love him. Obviously, not all women, just all the women that I met that he was around.

There was something about him. They just seemed to have it, whatever it is. It was annoying.

But yeah, I've got a few little stories I could tell you. Nothing bad. I'm never going to say anything bad about him anyway.

I'm not here to say anything bad about anyone, really. Not really. Unless it's a joke.

I did talk about his feet. Smell. Smelliest feet in the world.

So, I actually thought that maybe that's what it is. So, I remember I gave it a go before I went to a nightclub once. I walked through the sewers.

I thought, I'll take my socks off. I'll walk through the sewers and then I'll put my socks back on. So, having the smelliest feet in the nightclub, that's bound to get me a girlfriend.

It got me banned. It didn't work. It was just, oh man, do you reckon? He's weird.

I know it's strange, but I've named Andre Andre after Andre, the original Andre, who had the stinkiest, smelliest feet on the planet. And what does Andre obsessed with? He's obsessed with feet. He would have loved Andre's feet.

Isn't that a strange coincidence? Anyway, I'm going to go. Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Do something nice for yourself today and every day. Take care of yourself. Lots of love.

Bye.