#411 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (27th May 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen when you can. Safely close your eyes.

I hope that you are well and everything is going okay. Don't worry because I won't be doing this all the way through the recording. Unless of course you want me to.

I'm trying to do a deep voice and I can't really do it. I can't really do deep voices. I've got quite a high pitched voice naturally.

So yeah, hello everybody. Welcome to the... what day is it today? It is Wednesday the 27th of May 2020. So, ayup, I hope you're all well, etc.

And, let's have a look. Yeah, that's it really. I've done a couple of recordings.

Well, I've done one today so far. I did a deep sleep whisper one. Which I haven't done one of those for a few days.

It's just finding the time. Not that time isn't... I've got time to do it. But finding the right time slot.

Because as I was recording it, I could hear the birds just starting to wake up in the trees. But it was at a faint distance as to not disturb the recording, I think. They're a bit more active now.

And Horace the pigeon will, I'm sure, no doubt, make an appearance at some point during this recording. I did... with the deep sleep whisper one, I did some affirmations. I think it's the first time I've done affirmations in a deep sleep whisper.

And I did a stress... relaxation for stress and anxiety podcast one yesterday. But it was... I released it at literally midnight, I think. So that was about four hours ago.

And it was a short... it was about eight minutes, a really short recording. But it was about asking. Asking yourself to relax.

And just noticing how it feels when you've got your eyes closed and just... I can't remember what it is I said, but I'd like to... I'd like to relax. I'd like to relax. But at the same time feeling... asking in a way that you would ask someone to help you in a way that you would feel really grateful for them helping you.

But at the same time, you also know that you're going to say yes. So you're going to get what you want. And I've had people like that in my life in the past.

I suppose I still do have a couple who I could ask for help if I needed. And not have to sort of... I wouldn't want to ask necessarily, but... I kind of think that I would say yes. Which is much nicer to ask someone if you know they're going to say yes than to ask someone that may say no.

But it's still better than not asking anyone at all if you need help. Because that's my personal opinion on that particular thing. Yeah, I just remember there was one time I didn't ask for any help.

And I was actually working full time. And I'd run out of money. And I started this job in September 2001.

And in December, they told me I had to take five days off. For some reason, I'd built that much holiday in those few months. It seemed a bit weird, but they said I needed to take those days off before the end of the year.

So I said, okay then, okay. So I think I worked the Saturday. And then I had the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off.

And I went back on the Monday. Because I wasn't due to work that following Saturday. Now, I didn't get paid.

I got paid monthly at the time. That's what most people do these days. And I had, I think, about £1,100 coming into my account on the Friday, which was, I suppose, the last day of the month.

No, it wouldn't be the last day of the month because it was December. Anyway, that was the Friday that I got paid. And I ran out of money because I'd only been working there, as I said, September, October, November.

I hadn't earned much money. I hadn't had any bonus yet because the bonus was two months behind, or I didn't start earning bonus probably until November or something. And from the Monday to the Thursday, it's embarrassing really, pretty much all I had to eat was a packet of crackers, of cream crackers.

I might have had two packets. I think there's one packet and a jar of jam. That was all I had.

And tap water. I might have had some tea bags as well. I might have also had some tea, but no milk.

Just, you know, I had zero money, zilch. And I'd only just moved to that town, so I didn't know anyone really very well. I definitely didn't know anyone well enough to ask to borrow money.

And the only people I knew were the people that I was working with. And again, I'd only been there a couple of months, so I didn't know them, didn't feel confident enough to say, oh, by the way, can you lend me 30 quid so I can get through the next week? So I just sat in my room. I had this little studio room, studio apartment.

It was okay, not a bad little place. So it was all self-contained, so I had my bathroom, kitchen, and a room to sleep in. And so, way better than anything I'd had previously for the last, previous 15 years before that.

So it was okay. But I just sat there, and I just ate my crackers and jam. And that's pretty much all I had for three, four days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, yeah. And then on Friday morning, I went and got the money, and I think I probably went to McDonald's and ate as much as I could. It's really weird.

I could have phoned my dad and said, look, can you help me? I didn't. And he lived in the next town. He would have driven up, even if it was just to give me some food.

He might not have given me any money, but he definitely would have turned up with food. And if I'd have phoned him or my step-mom, I could have phoned up my friend in London and said, look, help me, please. He would have helped me out.

He would have sent me money. But I just didn't. I don't know if it was a pride thing, or I think it was more embarrassment.

I think I was embarrassed, and there was a part of me that wanted to see if I could do it, if I could really go without eating. I had something to eat, and I said I had the crackers, crackers and jam, and a grumbling stomach, and I slept a lot. It was really weird.

Very strange few days. And I read The Meaning... Is it The Meaning of Life? It's a really, really famous book. I've got it over there on the shop, on the shelf.

Yeah, I think it's The Meaning of Life. It was written by a psychiatrist who was in the prisoner of war camp thing during the Second World War. And it was just really weird that I was reading that at the same time that he was talking about going through starvation and only having one bit of bread a day.

I'm not comparing myself to what they went through at all. I don't think I am, but just it was quite weird that I had like a tiny little... I don't know, I suppose it's like reading... It's like watching... No, it's nothing like that, is it? I was going to say watching Waterworld whilst sitting in a swimming pool, but it's not the same. I'm just saying it's reading a book about hunger and being really, really hungry at the same time is very strange.

But it's such an amazing book. And it talks about his logotherapy, which he kind of created. It's all about being appreciative of what you've got and being positive, I guess, that things will be okay.

Yeah, and I have no idea how I got onto that subject and I'm trying to move on to something different as soon as I can. What was his name? Not Klatz, Platz. Is it Man's Search for Meaning? Man's Search for Meaning? Anyway, it's a really great book.

I recommend anyone to read it. There would be... It's just on a different level to... I think what was useful was I was feeling sorry for myself because I just had that little jar of jam. Actually, it was a huge jar of jam.

It was actually the size of a small child. It was massive. And the crackers, I mean, it was about 600 crackers.

But if we forget that bit, it's a little tiny, you know, it sounds better. It's just crackers and a little jar of jam. Well, no, it was just a little jar of jam.

Well, a normal-sized jar and crackers. But I couldn't feel sorry for myself because I was reading this book about these atrocities and about how people were going through such a... that anyone could ever go through. And it just seemed really weird to be sort of doing those two things at the same time because back then I had a big library of books, lots and lots of psychotherapy books and hypnosis books, loads and loads.

And that's before I even considered becoming a counsellor. I was just really interested in the subject. Weird, innit? I suppose I thought I'd try and learn, if I could learn something about myself, learn why I'm like I am.

But I realised that's never going to happen. I'm never going to know. It's a secret.

So, yeah, I've no idea how did I get onto this. Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better than I did earlier. Oh, man, I really didn't feel very good at all.

And something dawned on me is I was laying on my bed about nine, half nine. I've been in bed most of the day, just sleeping and, you know, and not sleeping and just laying there. And it dawned on me that I haven't had pretty much any human contact for like a week or something.

I mean, actually, a conversation in person with a person. And my friend downstairs, we go take, because he's got a dog and I've got Andre, we take them both for a walk and go to the garage and stuff, you know. We keep our distance, of course, but we do that.

And I actually had to phone him. I had to phone him up and ask him to come and see me because I needed to have the human interaction. I needed to have not physical, but just to come up.

We went out for a walk into around the countryside and stuff. He's far ahead of me because Andre's a slow coach and his dogs are big, you know, strong, fast dog. But I needed that human contact and it shocked me because I like to think of myself as being not so much not human, but not needing humans for that.

Not for contact, not for maybe friendship or things like that. So I suppose that's where I'm going, so asking for help. I asked him for help today.

I didn't tell him I was asking him for help, but he helped me by spending... We spent about an hour, 40 minutes together. That was enough. Got fed up after that.

No, I didn't. But that was enough. We just had a chat.

And he's Andre's uncle. So, you know, they're related. So it's, you know, Andre loves seeing him.

And I felt so much better afterwards. He is, like, my best friend. Since I've lived here, I've seen him... I don't see him every day.

Sometimes I see him every day, like, I mean, before the stuff's going on here. And I used to see him sometimes every day, sometimes a few times a day, sometimes a few times a week, depending on what's going on. And we'd go out and take Andre and go for walks and stuff like that, especially in the summer.

But all year round, really. And sometimes I don't feel up to go into the garage on my own, and I'll ask him to come with me, and sometimes he doesn't feel like, you know, so I'll go with him. You know, so we kind of support each other in that way.

But since this old weird stuff that's been going on, self-isolation and whatever it is, social distancing, I've kind of just left him at the doorstep. Well, not even at the doorstep, he's probably about eight foot away. And I kind of almost feel like I've abandoned him a little bit, because I used to support him in certain ways, and he supports me.

And one of the things I do for him is sort of internet stuff, because he doesn't have the internet, so I help him out with that if he needs to do stuff online. But I've not been able to do that recently. And he helps me with practical stuff.

So I'm trying to think of an example, like putting the punch bag up. Sorting stuff out, like, you know, if I've... Sometimes even when I've lost Andre, I know it sounds weird, but I've lost him in the past, in the flat. And I've, like, called him up, sort of panicking, like, I don't know where he is, can you help me? I've always found him, well, clearly he's here, but he just... because he used to have a ferret himself, so he knows what they're like, and they can get in the weirdest places.

I mean, he's actually escaped a few times. Not even escaped, just walked out. I've opened the door, talked to someone, said goodbye in the past, and just, well, everything's in the past, isn't it? But I close the door, and then suddenly I get someone knocking on my door.

Does this little thing belong to you? I said, no, sorry. I wouldn't have, I don't have pets here. No, I didn't say that.

I remember, I... This is weird, okay? When he was little, he's still little, isn't he? But when he was little, little, little, little, little, really little, I couldn't find him. Could not find him. And I was looking everywhere, all these little spaces that he used to sleep in.

And back then, he could... I had a settee as well. He's not under the settee, because he... And the settee I had, or the sofa, whatever you want to call it, he'd ripped all from underneath and made a little den inside. And he also ripped it from the top so he could get in there.

He basically destroyed that settee, that sofa, destroyed it. He loved it though, but it was his. And he destroyed anything he went near when he was a baby.

And he just couldn't stop himself. He just had to, just... It was funny to watch, but it had so much energy. It doesn't have that energy anymore.

And I kind of miss that a little bit. I suppose it's a bit like puppies, isn't it? Puppies and kittens. They're just... They're different to what they are when they get older, aren't they? Just they're having... I've seen kittens literally run around the wall.

Like literally run around or... They run up a wall. How the hell does that happen? It's almost like they defy gravity. I might have made that up.

But... Yeah, I couldn't find him. And then I found him and he was in his cage in the storage room. Because I used to leave the storage room open back in those days.

But I used to get him out of his cage at night in the morning and he wouldn't go back. There'd be no reason because he didn't like being in there. He didn't mind, but he'd prefer to be out here.

There's more stuff to destroy. But I found him and he was fast asleep inside the cage in his hammock. And I started crying.

I did. I started crying out of relief because I thought I'd lost my little boy. I was like... And I was hugging him and just... This is years ago.

I was just really... I thought I'd lost him. I think what made it worse is... Well, not worse, but a couple of things happened. Is he... His brother died.

So he... There was two of them. They both stayed up here for one night. Absolute terrors.

Seriously, they didn't keep quiet for one second. And I kind of wish I'd kept both of them together because they would have calmed down. I just... After one night, I said, look, you've got to get rid of one of them.

Well, you've got to get rid of the other one because I already had Andre who was going to be my boy. I can't have two. It's too much.

And... But he already had a home to go to anyway, which was already organized. So he went there and apparently died. Died after about a month or two.

And then Andre got ill. And he was having trouble breathing. And I think it was... Probably about the November.

Because I got him in September. It was about the November time. And he was like really, really struggling to breathe.

And I thought, oh no. If he's... Perhaps that's how the other one died. So I thought I was going to lose him.

So I took him to the vets and... The vet... The local vet didn't want to see him. Couldn't see him. They wanted this amount of money.

And it's like, what? I didn't have any money. I said, well, can't you just see him and I'll pay you installments or I'll pay you next week. You know, this is... I'm worried about him.

They said, no. You can't get seen unless you pay. So I actually turned up at the... At the vets.

And... They said, no, you can't be seen unless... I said, so what, are you going to let him die? And I was really, really in their face. Are you going to let him die? There's all these people around with their pets and... I thought, you can let us all look at him. Are you going to let him die? And... She... Yeah, they weren't... I don't think they liked me after that.

Anyway, I'm not surprised. But my friend came to my rescue and she paid the... It was about £100, £115. And he had a check-up and he had medication antibiotics.

I was like, wow. £115 for... It's not that he's not worth it. Because I'd have given everything.

I would give everything to make sure that he was okay. But, you know what I mean? Not that much. He's worth... I think he's worth about £25.53. That's about the limit, I think.

But yeah... So that's... When I thought I'd lost him, I was like, oh... After going through that with him. So... And the thing about that is once he'd had his chest infection the vet said, oh... We cross-reference with everyone so you're never going to be able to get him insured against a chest infection. So... If I got him insured and he had another chest infection I wouldn't be covered for that.

It's like... It's a bit harsh, isn't it? Surely. But there you go. I seem to find... I don't know.

I think it's... I've only been to a few vets but they... The vets are lovely. The people before you see the vets don't always seem to be as wonderful. And it's just been my experience.

They probably... I'm not going to generalise on that. Just like I'm not going to generalise that all doctor's surgeries receptionists are rude. Because they're not, I'm sure.

But I've met a lot that are. And maybe it's part of the job. Maybe... They just get so fed up with being around people that are real that they just start to dislike them.

I don't know. But I think some of them go to training college. Part of the call to become part of that job is to just talk down and be rude to people.

Not all of them. I've not travelled the whole country. I'm trying to think how many doctor's surgeries I've had.

How many different doctor's have I had? Different places I've been to. 1, 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Probably been over 10. 10 doctor's surgeries.

Probably more. 11 Trying to just add up. 12 Yeah, probably about 15 maybe more different doctor's surgeries.

Plus all the different doctors I've seen as well. I mean a doctor's surgery right now I've been there for 13 years. And I've got through about 5 or 6 different doctors.

In fact I don't even have a doctor allocated to me. It's just whoever's available. I've gone really downhill my surgery really.

I don't even like to answer the phone anymore. And the doctor I spoke to she called me up the other day to check something about a prescription and she said I said well the receptionists don't seem to answer the phone. She said yeah it's better just to send them a text.

Not a text, an email. Okay. Well I have a phone then.

My My sympathies go with the elderly. Like the real like my nan's generation who don't use the internet perhaps. My nan never used the internet.

And I'm sure there's a lot of people that in their 70s, 80s, 90s or whatever that wouldn't have any interest in the internet. I'm sure there's lots to do as well but you know but you know it just seems to be a bit doesn't seem very fair on them. There's lots of people that don't have access to the internet.

Even my friend. You know not everybody has the money to pay for broadband. Or can I you know get to the library and at the moment there's no library open but there's no internet cafes anymore that I know of.

There used to be. Internet cafes used to be big everywhere. Every town had internet cafes.

A big big business because the internet was well supposed to have been faster but it was still dial up I think. And then I guess they did become broadband and but it was a good place to just hang out, drink a coffee, have something to eat and go online. But it's also good for people that didn't have their own internet.

People that had to go online and search for jobs and stuff like that because that's what their had to do. Not all my recordings have been going to be funny or they can't all be funny. This is, I don't know what this is.

I'm just talking. Just talking. Just talking about stuff.

Yeah. I'm feeling contemplative. Contemplative.

Contemplative. Is that a word? Contemplate. I'm contemplating.

I feel What is a word? There's a word that I try and say sometimes when I do a serious recording. And I can never say it. Preposterous.

Yeah, preposterous. I still can't say it. I can't say the word.

Now I'm alright with words generally. But preposterous. Preposterous.

I just can't. One of those words I can't say. What other words can't I say? Maximilian.

Can't say that either. Insidious. Can't say that.

Righteousness. Can't say that. There's not a huge amount of words but there's a few that I struggle with.

Algebra. Not the word but the thing. What's that about? I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd actually put some effort into school when I was there.

I mean some effort. I put no effort. I mean zero.

I blame it on my English teacher. I've mentioned this before. The very first English lesson in high school I was really determined I was going to be good.

I was going to be a good boy. I was going to really give it my best. And I did some homework, handed it in and the teacher said it was rubbish.

And I decided from then on that was it. I mean talk about being a quitter. Wow.

And I'm not quite like that these days but really that's it. Nope. My maths.

I gave maths a go because the maths teacher was lovely. Mr. Johnson. And he was really gentle like a big furry bear.

And he was the only teacher outside of the RE teachers, the religious education teachers that I got on with. I got on with all the RE teachers for some reason. There was only two that I had but I got on really well with both of them.

I don't know why. I don't get it. But my maths teacher got ill and left.

And then we had all these different temporary teachers. Yeah, it didn't quite work out for anyone involved really. And then I got moved to what they classed as the Dunces class.

That's what they used to call it back then. Or remedial. And kind of, I don't know, I was sort of semi in the Dunces and semi in the middle of the grade of the year that I was in.

So I was kind of middle with English. I just didn't do anything. I didn't put any effort in anything.

Whether it was woodwork, metalwork, history, English, geography, technical drawing. I mean, come on. I chose that subject, can you believe? Technical drawing.

I thought it was going to be fun. It wasn't. It really wasn't fun.

Didn't enjoy that. I did home economics, which was cooking. And no, I didn't enjoy that either.

But it was better than being in a classroom. I mean, making cakes and stuff was a heck of a lot nicer than sitting in double maths. And yeah, no, I didn't really.

Drama. Okay, I quite liked drama. I did drama as a subject as well.

For my, well, it would be called GCSEs now, but we didn't have those in them days. It was either CSEs or O levels. and then you could go into A-levels in the sixth form if you passed your O-levels.

I wasn't eligible to do O-levels with any subject. I was CSE with all my subjects except maths where I was City and Guilds. I wasn't even... City and Guilds was... it was pretty much not even a real qualification, not for academic.

City and Guilds was something that you would get for more practical kind of subjects, you know, sort of City and Guilds in bricklaying and stuff like that, you know, something that was useful. City and Guilds in maths was... I don't think it really meant anything, but I got... I got a U in every single subject, I think, which is unclassified because I didn't even attempt. Saying that, I think I might have given English a bit of a go.

I might have done. Yeah, I might have got a... but I'm pretty sure I got a U for everything, but there's no way of knowing. All the records were destroyed in the 90s, can you believe? So I went to the school in about 96 to see if they had any of my records and stuff.

They said, no, all destroyed. I'm like, really? Surely, how can that be that a school would destroy all of the academic records of thousands and thousands of pupils over the years? And I don't know how many people in my school, but it was a lot. A lot of kids.

When you think about it, there was six forms, six years. First year, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth. And there is... what was my... I was in D, form D, was I? What's the word? Albatross, not Albatross.

They had a name of a bird, which... so the letters of the bird, the letters that made up the name of the bird. I think there was five, five different classrooms for each year, or maybe six. And each classroom had, what, 20, 25 kids in? 25, 50.

Probably about 150 in each year. Maybe more. Maybe less, I don't know.

So it's got to be five, 600 kids in the school. Maybe more, maybe less. Let's say 500.

Still a few, quite a few people running around and being naughty. But I'm just thinking, because I worked in a club that used to hold 200 people, and that was just in a room, and they were sitting down and playing football. That's 200 people.

And then I think back to the school field, where, especially in the summer, where all the kids would be on the field playing football, laying down and stuff. There was a hell of a lot of people there. There was a lot, a lot, a lot of people.

Yeah. So I wonder what it would have been like. And I sometimes think about that.

What would it be like if I'd have actually put some effort into school? I mean, drama, I used to get in trouble because I was messing around all the time. I used to like dressing up in women's clothes, and apparently used to upset the maths teacher. But I just, I just wanted to have some fun.

And that's why I chose drama, because I thought it was fun. And in those days, my only way of doing drama, I thought if you did acting, you had to shout, which isn't, you know, really the case. I was very overacting.

Here's a weird thing. For my, I think my final exam, practical exam with drama is, I was with my partner, and it went really bad. And he, he was laughing and messing around and, you know, it went really bad.

I was sort of giving it a go. And that was my, that was my, you know, I was basically the focus of that thing. And so I didn't do very well.

Somebody else had a, they didn't turn up or they were ill. So I stood in and was asked to sort of stand in as their partner in their little play. And they did really well.

They went really well. So not necessarily because of me, but it just, I think I had to play a drunk person, which was quite easy for some reason. I must have a secret.

I didn't used to drink. I don't now either, but I think I had to kind of play a homeless person that was just a bit in them days, crazy would have been called. Of course, we don't use that kind of words now.

I remember the, what did I do? I had, I was doing drama. And there was quite a few different, quite a few kids doing it as well. I think what they used to do is put different years together just to make it a bit more interesting.

So it didn't used to be just one year. I think, again, I might be making that up, but I fell in love with this girl in drama. She was in the same year as me.

I don't know why. I just really liked her. And we were just playing with each other, sort of doing the drama and giggling and laughing.

And this would probably be when I was about 14, 13, 14. And I asked her out. I said, do you want to get married? She said, no, I'm 14.

I said, okay. I said, do you want to go out? Do you want to be my girlfriend? And she said, I'll let you know after half term. So this was on a Friday.

We had a whole week off and then we went back the Monday. So we had a whole week off of school, the longest week of my life. All I could think about was her.

All I could think about was her. Honestly, I was in love with her. I decided at that time.

And I was writing poems and, you know, I used to be romantic. I don't have a romantic hair on my head now, but I used to be, used to really get carried away with it. And I couldn't even muster a romantic fart.

That's how romantic I am now. But I was just totally, I was totally, totally beside with her. Because I thought she might like me and having her like me meant that I really liked her even more.

And then I was with my friend. We were walking down the beach and she walked past me. I said, hello, you alright? She said, yeah.

And she was with someone and it was a bloke. He was, and he said, who are you talking to? You talking to her? He was starting to square up to me. And she said, no, no, he's my friend.

He's my friend from school. And he walked away. And then, because he was saying, who you talking to my girlfriend for? And then the following week, oh, yeah, something like that.

Yeah. Now wait a minute. She said no to me, but I still stayed friends with her.

And then I saw her during the summer holidays. That's it. And then when we went back to school, this kid, he apologized to me.

He said, oh, sorry about that. I didn't know that you were friends with her. Because she still stayed friends with me after she turned me down.

And he kept getting expelled from lots of different schools, this kid. He was, I quite liked him, actually. He was quite funny.

But he got expelled from our one as well. He just, I don't know, he just, he was just naughty, really. And, yeah, it's weird, isn't it? I've forgotten all about that.

I wonder who else I fell in love with when I was there. There was one, but that was, I've talked about her. Who else? No, I can't think of anyone.

It was a bit of karma happened. I remember this kid, he started on me for no reason. And my friend stopped him and they both got in trouble.

So nothing happened to me. I didn't know what he was doing. He just started having a go at me and sort of trying to fight me and stuff.

This is in the last year of school, the final year, fifth year. And not long afterwards, he apparently, he's, he got accused of hitting a girl. And I don't know if he did or not, but they, all these people were kind of like crowding around and coming into, I don't understand.

I was sitting in the classroom and he was at the back of the classroom on his own. And I was sitting in there, yet no one would come into the room. No one actually come into the classroom and do anything, but they were like talking to himself.

Why don't you just come in? And, and then at this point, we'd not made up cause I was never going to forgive him, but he, cause we were, I thought we was friends. But after school, cause he was enemy number one. Again, I don't know how true it was, but this girl's boyfriend who was about five years older, he was in his twenties.

He came and dished out some revenge on my friend who had attacked me. And I just stood there. So if it had been my friend, if it, you know, I would have probably separated them and sort of got, got him off.

But because it's terrible, but I just thought, eh, nevermind. Couldn't happen to a nicer man. So this, I know it's not really what karma is, but sometimes it's quite funny.

It wasn't funny for him, wasn't hurt really, just a bit, a little bit bruised. But hey, if he had done what they said he'd done, then nevermind. I think a few bruises, he's got off lightly.

Bless him. That was weird. I thought he was my friend.

I think what it was is I used to wind people up without knowing, and then they sort of lose it a little bit. But I had friends that were, I had, I had high friends in no places. So I was not untouchable, but just, I don't know, I just had friends that would sort of look out for me.

Cause I was little, you know, I was really little. One of the smallest kids in the school. I think there was people with five years younger than me that were bigger than me.

I was tiny. You could hardly see me. You needed a microscope, honestly.

A lot of people used to tread on me. The only good thing about it is when it was really raining, I could get home without getting wet. I'd just like walk around the raindrops.

Just dodged them. Used to be able to walk on water. It was great.

I wonder if I'm ever going to tell the truth about anything. So yeah. Complimentative mood.

I still can't say it. Contemplating. Complimentative.

Contemplative. Is it contemplative? Yeah, it might be. I've restarted my SoundCloud podcast.

I'm in the middle of, well not in the middle, but I'm uploading the recordings from my main podcasts onto there. I don't know why. I miss my, I miss, I miss SoundCloud because that was the, the first podcast that I reached over 200,000 with 200,000 listens or downloads.

So I've just sort of, and I've had a few that have been over 50, one that was over 100,000. So kind of, yeah, I feel a little bit of loyalty to it. So I've gone back.

It's 10 pad a month subscription and it's an unlimited amount of uploads. There's no limit to how many people can download and stuff like there is with a lot of other podcast hosts. Some of them are ridiculous.

Honestly, they, they want like $19, $20, $19 or $30 a month and they're allowing maybe 12 hours a month of uploads. 12 hours a month. Blimey.

That wouldn't even, I mean, I sometimes do three, four hours a day. 12 hours a month. If I do these recordings, do one of these a day, they're usually more than an hour, but even a minimum of an hour, I mean, really, really realistically, it's going to be probably 30, 35 hours a month just from these, if not more.

35 hours. Hardly any podcasts offer that amount of upload, of storage, which is why I use Spreaker, because they have unlimited. I have to pay for it.

It should be about $120 a month, but they're doing it for me for $73 a month. So I'm getting a good deal, but it may well go up in November. I think it is.

So that would be a little bit of a shock to the system, but it's only another $40, isn't it? Oh well. So I'm going to, I'm doing the SoundCloud and I'm just going to upload all my stuff and just leave it. It's like a separate podcast, Hypnotic Universe, it's called.

And I'll just upload all my new recordings and just let it just fly on its own. SoundCloud has its own audience as well, which is all a different, it's a different thing. It's a useful thing to have, if you know what I mean.

A lot of podcasts host, they don't have their own audience. They just, you host it and then you share your podcast onto iTunes and Stitcher and all the other different ones. Yeah, various different places.

But with SoundCloud, of course you can still share your stuff with different places, but they've got their own audience because it's also a place to go to listen to recordings and podcasts and stuff like that. So I will look into that, I think. I'm going to look into that and just upload and maybe look at doing some other podcasts, other podcast hosts.

I suppose it's like spreading my seed. You know, the more seed you spread, the more chance there's something growing, isn't it? It's, I guess, from that point of view, the more mud you chuck at a wall, the more chance it's going to stick. But I don't like to think of my content and my podcasts as being like mud.

The central heating's come on. I'm not sure why. It shouldn't be coming on, should it? It's not cold.

Mind you, if you think about it though, when it's 10 degrees, 10 degrees is not warm. Because 10 degrees less is minus. I think it was 20 degrees yesterday, but going down to 10 degrees at night.

So you think about it, 20 degrees, when it goes down to 10, that's halfway towards minus degrees. I'm 20, isn't it? I hope this low energy has been nice and relaxing. Hopefully.

Maybe not. I don't know. Kind of chilling out.

I've decided that on Sundays, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to produce any recordings. Possibly Saturday and Sunday.

I might have the whole weekend off in the future. But definitely at least one day a week, I'm not going to do anything to do with this. Any recordings, nothing to do with hypnosis, nothing to do, you know, probably won't even go on the internet.

I'll just chill out and watch movies and play with Andre and do whatever I want to do. So at least one day a week, probably Sunday. I've been saying that I quite like making recordings.

Especially when I'm in the mood for it. I'm kind of thinking, yeah, I'm in the mood for it. I want to do something.

Yeah. We'll see. Anyway, I'm wishing you all the best.

Thank you for listening. Remember to be kind to yourself. Because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.