#419 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (4th June 2020)

Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can.

Safely close your eyes and yeah, so I hope you're well and I hope that everyone's keeping safe in the world that's listening to this. To all my friends dotted around the globe. Andre's on date night with my slipper.

So he's the other side of the room. So you may hear him doing his thing. And yeah, I've got a little message here.

If anybody has any messages. Andre, on date night, be more considerate to your girlfriend. I don't know if you heard that Andre's just so gassy sometimes.

If anybody's got any messages, then please, you know, go to my website and you can message me on there. If you've got any shout outs you want me to do. If you even if I can even mention your business, you've got a website, you know.

And I don't know, whatever. I can just say let's say hello, wish you a happy birthday, or wish someone else a happy birthday that you know who's got a birthday coming up, that I might not know myself, but you know them. I guess you'd have to know them, wouldn't you? Otherwise you wouldn't know it's their birthday.

But it's proper, proper chilly inside tonight. Right now it's 149. I would turn the heating on, but the radiators click.

So when I finish this recording, I'm going to turn the radiators on for a little bit. Which I try not to do in June, if I'm honest. You know, this is the time of the year where I managed to have lower bills.

So I sort of try and take advantage of that. Because my bills pretty much halved in the summer compared to the winter. So that's chilly.

I can feel it. I can feel it on my boobs. My boobs are feeling a bit cold.

It doesn't feel very comfortable. So yeah, I just sort of see, see what happens. It's just the radiators go like click.

They don't actually go click, but they click. It'd be weird if they just like click randomly. Call up my psychiatrist.

The radiators are talking to me again. What shall I do? So I try to ignore Andre while he's over there. I suppose I could wear a hat.

That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put my balaclava on. Whoops.

Which might sound like a weird thing to do, but you know what? Why not? Yeah, I've put it, I haven't actually got the balaclava on my face, but it's like a nice little, um, it's like a little scarf. In fact, it feels very weird. I actually bought it because I was going to go on a crime spree, but then fortunately, you know, I got to use it for something else because people were wearing masks.

So I didn't, well, fortunately there, but unfortunately I didn't go on a crime spree. You know, I've never been arrested in my life. You know, some people say that, don't they? In other words, I've never been caught.

No, I've never really done anything worth catching. I made sense before it came out of my mouth. Anyway, I feel like I've been strangled by this thing.

So I'll just read this message from Rachel. It says, I'm writing this message to you now, just in case you don't get any other messages. I wish I didn't.

I'd like you to give a shout out to my amazing friend Holly, who lives in America. Tell her she is my sunshine, and I hope she stays safe. Thanks, Jason.

You're amazing. I agree with you, Rachel. I am pretty amazing.

Thank you very much. So I'm doing a shout out for your amazing friend, Holly, who lives in America. But does she listen to this? That's the question.

So, yeah, I know most people listen to it around the world. You know, it's the it is the most popular podcast on the planet, as we all know, but it's you haven't had any other messages. I saw one from Jen saying, sorry, Jason, not sure why my cousins link forwarded onto you.

It is in a very, it is in a very, it is in a very coarse, don't take care. Yeah, so what other ones have I got? Angie Foreman sent me a picture. It says, when considering online dating, always ask for a second photograph.

So the first photograph is some boobies. And the second photograph is some boobies. But with showing the man, it's actually a man, his boobies it is.

And it's a good picture. Who's Angie Foreman? I don't know anymore. Profile.

Andre, I don't know who it is. Probably someone I know. I just, I'll just check if he's here.

Oh my God. Oh my goodness. She posted, I'm just looking at her profile.

I tagged Angie Foreman in something or she was tagged. Jason chats live watching television. 28th of October 2018.

And 18. Wow. 341 views, 163 comments.

Wow. Wow. I don't remember all this.

That's weird. So I should tell you this is a lot of Sebastian messages. There's one from Andrea.

There's got to be some other messages, right? Not just him. Nope. Seems to be all him.

Gary, Irene, Amy, Kathleen, all saying hello. Bernie, John. Then the rest of the messages is from Sebastian.

Watch together with friends or with a group. I don't even remember making this recording. Jason chats live watching TV.

Wow. I don't know why I'm getting all excited about this. Well, not excited.

I'm just interested. Seems a bit strange. Why would I? It lasts for two hours, 27 minutes.

Can you believe it? There's a point in it when I'm in a dressing gown. And honestly, my belly is so big. It looks like, and my head is sticking out of the, the dressing gown, top of the dressing gown.

And the head doesn't look like it fits the body. It looks like it's a false head, put onto like this big ginormous body. How weird.

That doesn't look right. Oh, there's Andre's on there now. Andre comes up.

I'm playing with him for a bit. Oh, lovely little boy he is. Well, he's not being naughty.

So this is a bit boring, isn't it? I'm talking about something you can't see. And then I take you into the kitchen. Wow.

Why do I do that? Blimey. I'll tell you how long ago this is. I had 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, 4, 60, at least 60 tins of beans on the top.

Oh yeah, Andre says, okay, so when you're out of supplies, go to Jay's house. So basically this is when I was, isn't it weird? The whole flat's different. I've got things in different places.

I've got stuff that's no longer in here. Wow. Even the carpet looks fairly clean.

The bathroom looks tidy and clean. I've got about a hundred tins of deodorant cans. Wow.

This is what I've been stocking up. So I'm showing you all my stock. I've got 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 6. Wow.

So much stuff. I'm talking hundreds and hundreds. Wow.

I'm glad I got this video actually, not because it's any good. The amount of toilet roll I've got. It's ridiculous.

I've got so much stuff. Water. You name it, it's everything.

So it's toilet roll, water, kitchen roll, toothpaste, soap. And now I've got quite a few toilet papers. But outside of that, what am I watching that for? Wow.

I wonder if that's, it must got to be saved on my website, on my Facebook page, isn't it? Surely. Strange stuff. That is strange indeed.

Right. This is extremely boring, so I should stop. But I can't.

I'm getting hot now. It's not weird. I haven't got that damn virus.

Damn it. I shouldn't have. I haven't been, I haven't been demonstrating or been on the streets standing closely to hundreds of thousands of other people.

So I've done nothing to catch anything. No. So I've made some recordings today or yesterday.

It's a new day now, isn't it? And yeah, it was all right. What did I do? Deep Sleep Whisperer. Again, quite a long one.

It's about 36 minutes long. Normally they're about 20 minutes. And then I did a quite cool relaxation session, which is two versions, one with music, one without.

I've had to do my top up a little bit so the microphone is a little bit closer to my mouth. So I'll try and talk a bit quieter. So one thing is my recordings, they do have adverts on them, but I've kind of gone and gone and throwed with this one.

Gone and throwed. So they'll have adverts at the very beginning and that's it. And that will help to pay the costs, the running costs.

That way I don't have to sort of depend on anyone's help. And the other thing is I haven't added any podcasts that you can listen to ad free, continuous play or anything on my website. So if you want to listen to ad free sessions, you can just download them.

Download them. They're free to download. And you can download as many as you want, but download all of them.

And then you can just stick them in a playlist on your phone or on your laptop and just do it that way. So that's a way of doing it. If you want to listen with the adverts, they're free, free to listen to, free to download.

And it just makes it easier, makes it a bit more straightforward, you know. So I hope that's all right for everyone that it's all right with. And I hope it's all right with those who it's not all right with.

And anyone in between? Anyone? So I'm trying to think what is actually going on with my life at the moment? Not much. I was listed to listen to a book last night called Psycho Cybernetics, which is really good. And, wow, I've only got one minute left of the book.

So I got it yesterday. It's 12 hours, six minutes long. So I've listened to the whole thing.

Or maybe it was a day before yesterday, but in two days, I've listened to the whole thing. And so it's very, I tell you something. For me, because I've read the book as well.

But it's 2002 time, I think it was. And I think I've read it twice. Actually, I think I read it again, maybe about 10 years ago or something.

I don't know, just roughly. My voice went really weird then, didn't it? I don't know. It might have been sometime in the past.

Maybe. I don't know. It's almost like singing.

Throaty, throaty singing. Oh, my love, I love you so much. It's like two different voices at the same time, isn't it? I'll stop.

It's a bit weird. It's a bit weird. Yeah, I know.

It's much more fun when I'm not looking at a video and talking about a video that you can't actually see. You know, actually, perhaps I should put a bit more attention into the actual recording I'm making, not some video that I made in the past, that I've forgotten about. Forgotten about.

I haven't done adjacent chats for a year, well, for a while. Oh, there is this. Oh, man, what's his name? Oh, I should have it on here.

I'll tell you his name. See, I've got iTunes as opposed to Spotify or Amazon Music. I've got Amazon Music, but I don't pay for the music thing.

I've got like the basic music on there. And okay, go back. So iTunes is pretty good because it's, they have a lot of motivational stuff on there.

But different things. So I like to listen to Earl Nightingale, for example. And quite a lot of his stuff is on there.

So I'm kind of, I'm delving into the history of motivational speakers and trying to find some of the original ones going back, you know, 50, 60 years. And so I find, I don't know, it just fascinates me. I did that with comedy as well.

You know, when I found out that, for example, people like Eddie Murphy was influenced by Richard Pryor. I knew who Richard Pryor was, yes, when I was a kid. Because Richard Pryor was already famous being in Superman and Stir Crazy and, you know, those films.

So I was already a big fan of his films. I didn't know he was a stand-up comedian until I didn't really start listening to his stuff until I was about 18. But then you've got other people that influenced Richard Pryor.

Someone like Redd Foxx was an influence. And let me tell you, I've got some of the people that I saved on there. At least I hope I saved it.

Redd Foxx, maybe not. Oh, that's annoying. I thought I'd have saved him.

Oh, why didn't I save him? Oh, never mind. But there's a few that influenced Richard Pryor. And I've listened to some of their albums.

And they were from the 60s. And some of them were, yes, I think sometimes I listen to albums and I don't, I don't save them. I don't stick them in my my list.

I wonder if it keeps track of what I've listened to. No, it doesn't seem to. Oh, so the boat, yeah, I've got Redd Foxx.

Oh, that's a shame. No, it doesn't. I thought it might keep a track of what I listened to.

Anyway, I came across this man. He's called Matthew Rich. And it's an album.

Well, it's a talk. It's not a very long one. But it's like an album, but it doesn't.

It's a motivational speech. It's called Fighting Your Lion, My Fight with Cerebral Palsy with motivational speaker Matthew Rich. And it's really good.

It's really good. It's very motivational. And he's talking from his perspective that it took him 28 years to learn to walk on his own.

And, you know, it's just, yeah, I'm not going to do it any, do any justice by describing it because it's not a very long recording. But if you go onto iTunes and just put, look up Matthew Rich, Rich, R-I-C-H. And it's called Fighting Your Lion.

You'd probably be able to watch, I imagine it'll be on YouTube as well. But it's really good. I'd never heard of him before.

And it's the only thing I could find on there of his. I mean, I found quite a few different motivational speakers that are really popular. Eric Thomas is one.

He likes to call himself ET. And yeah, I'm just, I don't know. I'm into that.

Some things I'm into. Motivational speakers is something that I've been into for 20 years, over 20 years, which is maybe quite a weird thing to be into. I don't know why.

I don't know why. Well, why would it be in? Not that weird, is it? I did see Tony Robbins back in 2005, I think, which was 15 years ago. Wow.

But he was at the, I forget the place, but it was a huge venue in London, East London. I think on the Docklands, it's a massive place. In fact, it's the place that's now a hospital, the Nightingale Hospital, that they opened up for the coronavirus patients.

I don't know if they've ever used it, but they opened it up, built it in about four days or something, or converted it. But it's huge, huge. And Tony Robbins had 10,000 people in the audience.

And it's the biggest audience I've ever been in. I've been in an audience of a couple of thousand prior to that. But 10,000, massive, massive amount of people.

And they're all going, you know, all that, sort of making that noise throughout. And everyone's saying, it's constantly saying, if you do this, say aye, say aye. I don't want to say aye.

Stop it. That bloke, the only reason you know that he's not on drugs, I'm talking about being that energetic, is he has no time to take them. He's on the stage for so long.

He's got so much energy. You know, I can imagine someone, I've seen comedians with that much energy that could go on stage, and perhaps do 20 minutes, but be completely off their head. Like, you know, had some chemical encouragement.

But he is on stage for perhaps forever, literally forever and ever and ever. He stays on there. And he just doesn't stop talking.

I don't think there's anyone else like him. And the fast talking motivational speaker isn't really my cup of tea. Because I, everything I do is quite slow.

What I mean by that is, I just don't necessarily think slowly. Sometimes I do. But I walk slowly, pretty much talk slowly.

Most of the time, maybe not as slowly as I do in these recordings. But I do. Yeah, I like the slow pace.

That's kind of where I am. It's my kind of, it's my speed, sort of slow, slow. And he's super fast.

So some motivate, well, nearly every motivational speaker that I've heard generally talks quite quickly. And I can adjust my ears to pretty much anything. It's just years of working on phones, in call centers, you learn to adjust your ears to the different speeds that people talk, the different accents.

And it's almost like interpreting what they're saying, but in real time. Because sometimes someone will have a little just, I suppose like any, every country probably has lots of different accents, depending on what part of the country you're from. And definitely the case here.

But then I get people from all over the world for phoning up because they'd be living here. And yeah, it was a challenge at times. But I learned, you know, I learned to adapt.

So I can adapt to the speed of people talking, usually, but sometimes I can't be bothered. So if somebody's talking too quickly, I just walk away. I don't, I'm not talking about humans, I'm talking about if I'm watching it, or listening to a recording.

If it's too fast, I sometimes I just won't listen. But what's weird is most motivated, well, pretty much all of them, they talk fast. And for me, fast talking doesn't equal motivation.

I've always been a self-motivating person anyway. You know, I don't need someone to cheerlead me. I just, I've never had anyone to cheerlead me.

So I don't know what it would be like, I just self-starting, I guess. Do a lot of things on my own. And I thought about maybe doing some motivational speeches, perhaps looking to go that way, in that direction.

Go on stage. And this rich, rich man, what his name was, Little Richie, Dick, his name's Dick, isn't it? Matt Dick, or Matthew Rich. Him talking about his condition that he was born with, and how he's got through, and, you know, how he feels about it, and other people's reactions, and his reactions to other people's reactions.

And, you know, how he gets up every day, and not physically, but, you know, what motivates him to get out of bed and to keep going. So I kind of, I started thinking maybe I could do a motivational speech about myself. And probably everybody could, couldn't they, really? Well, about me, but I suppose I could do, yeah, I could, maybe.

I mean, these are quite motivational. Some of my relaxation for stress recordings are very motivational. Very, very positive.

Most of them are all positive, really. Yeah, they are. They're positive.

Very positive. Very, yeah, I quite like that podcast. It's a squeaky chair again.

The thing is, that podcast is going to overtake all the others. From the looks of it, it's now just reached 208,000 downloads for that one podcast. And it was a late starter.

In fact, it started last out of maybe six of the most popular podcasts I've got. That one started last. It's not at the front yet.

But it's at the front of the daily stats. I really get less than 1000 just on that podcast alone. So it's, that's what, 30,000 a month.

That's like 365,000 a year more, because there's sometimes more. So at least based on now, it's at least 400 to 500,000 a year, just on that one podcast. And so it's kind of weird, because I know that that's going to be, I will reach 300,000 on that podcast before I reach 300,000 on my top one at the moment, which now I'm around about three, about 248,000 or something.

So that might be my first million, million listeners podcast. The first one out of all of them to reach that. It's weird, isn't it? There's only 146 recordings.

Well, there's more because some of them have got music with them. But compared to the 400 million that I've got on here, all those different recordings that let me boil to sleep, you're hearing, it's a weird sound. Doesn't make that sound any other time.

Thankfully. A little bit weird, you know, I woke up and he was making that noise in my ear. I don't know because it meant he would be biting my ear.

He doesn't make that sound unless he's actually biting onto something, which is my slipper. Plus, he's so cute, but he's just this, he's got a dark side to him. Yeah.

I mean, even earlier, I went for a walk with my friend. It's about half 11 last night and I opened the door and I arranged for my friend to give me a knock when he's ready. So he gave me a knock and he waited downstairs.

And I kind of looked down and it's the paper, just poo everywhere on the paper, which is what you're supposed to do, which is okay. But I thought, I haven't got time to change the paper. So I put some paper down on top so that I can, don't tread in it.

What's the first thing he does when I put the paper over? Poos on the paper. I'm literally getting ready to take him out. In his mind, he's like, I'll quickly wait a minute, daddy.

Just need to do a quick toilet before we go out. Can't you go outside? No, he won't. He doesn't like going to the toilet outside.

How weird is that? So he won't go to the toilet in, I think I'll probably count 10 times in the last five years that he's gone to the toilet outside in the fields. Or, you know, it's really, really rare. Probably not even that many times.

I'm sure he does a bit of wee, you know, wheeze along the way, but I don't get to do that. He can, I don't get to do that. I don't get to notice that sometimes because he's just, I don't always watch him.

Yet when I took him into town, every opportunity to do a poo in a shop doorway, it was just, he was like a little poo machine. So I don't know what that's about. Apparently, my friend, he took his dog and went, I don't know where he went, but there was a queue of people, social distancing, you know, from a distance queuing.

And his dog, for whatever reason, started to do a massive poo on the pavement. But it wasn't one that he, it wasn't one that he could clear up because it was, he couldn't get into a bag, if you know what I mean. It was like, it caused chaos.

I think the shop staff had to come out and cordon the area off. Oh dear, oh dear. That's enough poo stories.

Yeah, I don't think much else has really happened. Today, I just got up. Yeah, just trying to organize the website and just enjoying the statistics.

I know that I try not, you know what I mean, I don't like to talk about stats or anything, but it's going well. I'm pleased with it. I'm pleased with how well it's going and how it's growing.

So that's good. And someone said to me, is it because of the lockdown, do you think that's why people are listening? In other words, are people listening because they're so bored that they've got nothing else to do? I like to think it's not because of that. Because people are bored, they've got nothing else to do.

I like to think that people are listening because it's useful, hopefully. I always say this at the end of, maybe not this podcast, but the other stuff. It's weird though, because last week, I said I might not be doing, I might stop doing free recordings or I might, I don't know, I was just thinking about like, just thinking out loud really.

And I had a couple of people on YouTube say, are you going to stop doing the Let Me Go To Sleep 3? And someone else wrote on there, I finally just saw the message today. Yeah, are you? And then later on they wrote, can you please answer? So I did. I said, nah, it's fine.

I'm continuing. But I do want to make the videos better. Because now I'm getting, on YouTube, I'm getting 2,000 views a month, which is like tiny.

But it's growing, you know, it was one and a half thousand a few months ago. So it's now 2,000 a month. At the peak of my popularity on YouTube, I say popularity, when it was starting to take off, I was getting 45,000 plays a month.

And I think I had a few thousand subscribers. So it's going really well. And it's really growing.

And, you know, sort of, although I wasn't like in the big league by any, you know, any way, but I was like continuously getting new subscribers and loads of messages and all that kind of stuff. So it was, it was starting to take off. So I reckon, what was that, 2012, I got rid of that YouTube channel.

I just deleted it. I dared myself to do it. And I did.

So I won, I guess. Silly, silly thing to do. And so if I'd have kept that YouTube channel, yeah, there's no way of knowing how successful it might have got.

Might have been, yeah, I mean, going from 45, it was going up quite a lot every month. So I probably would have been on about 70 the next month, maybe 95 to 100,000 the next month. That kind of growth, it was really like going up, which means I'd probably be on a few million a month now, eight years later.

Especially now, I mean, you think how, I mean, I'm pretty prolific really, aren't I, at the moment? Making generally at least three recordings a day, sometimes more. So that's, well, for me, I think that's fairly prolific. It's, well, maybe 100 a day would be prolific, I don't know.

But, you know, I don't have it in me. And time doesn't allow that many recordings, because even if I sat and did 10 recordings a day, I probably wouldn't have enough time to upload them all and to process them all. Because that's another, yeah, that is just, just time-wise, unless the recordings were 10 minutes each, which I suppose I could do.

And, you know, sometimes I think, how does anybody listen to me for an hour, when I don't say anything in pretty much that whole hour, I haven't actually said anything. Yeah, I'll watch a video on YouTube, and it seems to really be going on. I look, and I've only been listening for eight minutes, or watching it for eight minutes, but it seems like a really long video.

So how come when I'm talking, I mean, it's now 51 minutes into this recording, and it feels like I've only been talking for 10 minutes. And I could easily talk for another probably three hours. And at the end of that, having said nothing, it's just this weird, it's just like a bunch of words that kind of make sense, but at the same time, don't offer anything.

It's just this, it's almost content-free podcast. A content-free podcast. That could be the new thing, the new land, new thing.

Oh, another thing, I was thinking, and I mentioned it earlier, probably, but I might not. I was thinking of doing a, like a motivational podcast, specifically just motivational talks, which kind of fits in a little bit of what I was saying earlier about maybe making a motivational album, because I hadn't thought about it before. I could upload an album to iTunes.

As long as it's free, I could get it on there. I can upload stuff to Udemy, free, for people to download and what use, do the course for free. So these are some avenues that I'm going to look at, which means I could reach a larger audience, potentially help more people, hopefully.

So that's, I don't know, I think that's quite exciting. It just makes it a bit more interesting because, I don't know, it's just, it's nice to spread, isn't it? I think sometimes the, I don't know, not the bigger I get, because I don't, but let's say physically, the bigger I get, it's nice to get a bigger bed. I can stretch out more.

I need a bigger bed. And maybe that's what's happening as the podcast become more popular. I'm starting to think, well, what's next? What should I do? What should I do now? As well as that, how can I improve what I'm doing? Maybe there's an audience out there that would like what I do.

I mean, there is an audience out there. I know people but maybe, and it might just be a particular audience that, you know, the people that like what I do, it might be a very selective group. And I don't know what that means really, but maybe, God, that stupid fairy winds me up.

Oh, you can hear him. He's rubbing my nose right in there. Look, daddy, I'm getting some.

When's the last time you did this? Yeah, thanks, mate. Cheers. Andre, dirty little bugger.

I was like, really? I didn't expect that when I got him. He's just, he's a very thoughtful lover, but that's besides the point. So yeah, I, it sounds a bit weird saying, you know, my ferret's a very thoughtful lover.

What I mean is with his slipper, not, you know. So yeah, I don't know if I'll be a considerate lover. I'd like to think that I wouldn't be.

I don't mean with, again, moving away from a ferret. We're moving, just talking about me now. Not sure if I like the idea of being considerate.

I kind of like the idea, but at the same time, I think I'm too selfish now. Too selfish to pretend to be considerate. You know, the main thing, see, I've got limited interest in all that stuff now, but it's really weird, but you know what I've done? I've never really got my head around is if someone's with somebody in a relationship, why not just be nice to them? It might sound weird.

I'm talking about both of them, both people. Just be nice to each other. Because if they're not nice to each other, then what's the point? I don't know.

It just seems logical that you'd be nice to the person that you were with. I mean, it's the whole thing, isn't it? Treat someone how you want to be treated, but I don't know if I want to put that much effort in. I reckon I would have made someone a nice boyfriend once.

I think if I had the youth from the past, let's say when I was 20s, in my middle 20s, late 20s, whatever. So if I had that energy, stamina, the whole... I don't know what the right word is. Desperation.

So if I had that desperation with the knowledge that I've got now, I think I'd probably make quite a good boyfriend. But now I've just got the knowledge without the desperation, or the energy maybe, or the kind of being bothered. But yeah, when I was in my 20s, honestly, I would jump.

I'd jump through burning hoops in order to be with someone that I liked. Is that true? Probably not. Burning hoops, that's a little bit over the top, isn't it? I mean, again, perhaps be nice to each other.

I think setting someone a task of jumping through burning hoops before you go to dinner with them. A bit of a one-sided relationship there. Slightly controlling, I do believe.

That's the thing, I don't like being controlled, and I don't like controlling others, but I like to control my environment. But I don't want to control other people. I've no interest in that.

I don't want to be some kind of puppet master. Although hearing, yes sir, I'll do that every now and then, that's okay, but I'm not. What's he just done there? I think he just took the biggest poo in the world.

He just had his dinner, ran over and did a massive poo. Why did he bother? Why didn't he just tip the plate onto the paper? Why bother eating it? He's got such a fast metabolism. And also, he's so little, isn't he? You think about it, the tube between his mouth and his bum.

You know, when we eat, the tube's a little bit longer, isn't it? It's the distance. So you eat, and it goes down the tube, and it just continues going until it gets to your bum, and it pops out your bum into the toilet. So with a ferret, they've also got a straight tube as well, like we have, but it's shorter.

It's a little bit like, you know, there's sausage grinders, or there's meat grinders. No, there's sausage skinners, that's it. You only put your sausage meat through a machine, then it comes out the other end, and it goes into the skin.

It's a bit like that of him. You know, you put the food in. If there's enough food, it'll start popping out the other end before he's even finished.

It's not sure. It's a very clean boy, really, considering how dirty he is. Now he's having some water.

I don't know if you can hear that. Give me cuddles? No? Okay. I'll go away then.

I need you. I need you. I really do.

I need him. I know it's an old, it's an old, I always think it's old, isn't it, I think, when you get to my age, but it's an old thing that people say, oh, if you'd have told me five years ago that I would be doing this, I would never have believed you.

But genuinely, if you'd have said to me six years ago, or, well, no, even five years ago, but it would have made a little bit more sense if you put it, say, five and a half years ago, if you'd said you're going to be living where I'm living, and you're going to end up living with a ferret called Andre, and you're going to be making recordings called Let Me Bore You To Sleep, where you just talk absolute nonsense about nothing for over an hour, and you do them in here every day.

And I suppose the ferret one, that would have been the one that I kind of would have just really been surprised about. You live with, I'm not going to be living with a ferret. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Of course I'm not. I'm not going to live with a ferret. I've never had a rabbit.

I've never had a gerbil or like a mouse or, you know, never, I've had a mouse in there, but not as a pet. So I've never, you know, handled animals. Lived with some dogs.

And to clarify that, it's places where dogs were living. So, but none of the dogs were mine. But, you know, I kind of had a close relationship with them, because they saw me every day.

So I guess they, they loved me, I guess. I don't know. But Andre is the first animal that I've ever lived with, like properly just me on my own living with.

Although I did have a budgie when I was about 15, 14. I had a budgie. But it's, because the house was so cold.

I had him in the room that my oldest brother used to live in, but he moved out. So I had the cage in there because it was a bit noisy. And he basically just froze.

Came home from school and he was just, I thought he was fine. I thought he was a bit quiet. And, but the house was so cold.

It was ridiculous. My dad still lives like that. He still lives in a cold house.

Just, I don't, he doesn't feel the cold. No, I know cold is supposed to be good. Sort of have a cold shower or a cold bath or a cold swim first thing in the morning.

It's supposed to be really, really healthy to do that. But if it is something different between that and sitting in a cold room for hours on end, that's just not, that can't be healthy. I used to have to wear my gloves and a hat and stuff in bed.

Seriously. God, the amount of times I've had to do that over the years. Be in bed with all my clothes on plus a jumper.

Sometimes with a coat, hat and gloves. Skis, you know, skis as well. Ski, ski mask, goggles.

It's just like ridiculous. Like, come on. Does it cost that much to heat this room? And then I move in here and it is quite expensive.

In the winter, in the winter, it does definitely go up. But you know what? How can you put a price on keeping warm? What is that? There is no way, well hopefully, there's no way I ever intend to be cold ever again at home, when I'm indoors. When I'm outdoors, fine.

When I'm visiting someone else, I've got no control over what they do. But when I'm in my... Stop pretending to sneeze. It just has to be part of the recording, doesn't it? Listen to me, daddy.

Everyone listen to me. Everyone loves me. I'm Andre.

They only listen because of me. It might be true, but shush. So that's it.

So remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Do something nice for yourself. I'm going to go and I'll speak to you again tomorrow.

Shut up, Andre. I can see him. He's hiding behind the door.

He's staring at me. He's just staring right at me. What? What do you want? Andre, what do you want? I'm just doing that thing, you know, that you do with kids and you sort of move your head out of the way so they can't see you and then you move your head again so they can see you.

I'm doing that with him. Oh, he's ignoring me now. Yeah, I don't... I don't do it with kids either now because I'm on a bus, they get annoyed.

I'm just being nice. He said, can you put my child down, please? So I'm just playing peekaboo. I don't know why that's funny.

It's not true. It's not true, but I have seen people do that. I've seen people get on a bus and start, like, making faces like they're a little kid and stuff.

And it's quite nice. But I remember I saw a mother. She wasn't happy.

Oh, man. And I saw some woman, some woman, a lady on a bus, changing her kid's nappy on the bus seat. No, no.

I'm not saying you can't change, but not on the bus seat. I just, I don't know, I just think it's wrong. People sit on that seat.

And she was rubbing it, emptying the contents all over the seat. She wasn't, she didn't. And she didn't wash her hands because there's no sink in the bus.

There's no soap at the bus. And I hold her responsible for all the germs of the world. Oh, dear.

I might need to go to the toilet soon. That'd be interesting. It'd be the highlight of my day.

So, anyway, I'm going to go. Take care. Lots of love.

This has got to be the recording with the least amount of content. I've spoken for 74 minutes and I've said zilch, zero, kapoong, bing, noong. I don't know what other words mean.

Zero, zero, zero, zero. Oh, you're saying nothing. Okay.

So, lots of love. Be kind to yourself and I'll speak to you next time. Bye.