#387 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (30th April 2020)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name's Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

I thought I'm doing a bit of sign language as I speak. So I don't know if that is close your eyes, I think, is that? Can you put your hands together? And what other things do I normally say? I'm not sure. So I think this is, this is 389 or 390, I think.

Look how fuzzy it is right at the top of the screen. I'm filming this as I record it separately. This is the recorder.

I'm recording it, audio for the podcast and I'm also doing the video. But for some reason, it's picking me up okay, I think. But there's a little bit on the right side of the screen at the top that's fuzzy.

It might be my bald head that's just disturbing the equilibrium of the light bulb above me. Possibly. I don't know.

So yeah, I mean, ideally, it would be better if I filmed it with the camera the other way. But then I can't see whether or not I'm in the picture. It's one of those weird things.

So anyway, I'm just gonna do it how it is. And you'll have to be all right in it. I have to be all right.

You'll be okay. Yeah. Okay.

So yeah, it's weird. When I can see myself, it's very distracting. Because normally, well, whatever normally is, I'll be sitting here making a recording and thinking to myself being blonde and eight foot two, muscular, athletic, you know, very, no, pathetic.

Sounds the same. Pathetically, athletically, very handsome, indeed. But I like to have that little fantasy, which is why I don't make the recordings while I'm staring in the mirror.

Right now, that's what it feels like. It was like I'm staring in the mirror. And it's not making my toes all warm and fuzzy.

So for those that haven't actually ever listened to any of my Let Me Bore You To Sleep recordings, of which there are way too many. The point behind this is that I talk and I keep talking. And I keep talking.

And you're listening and you're listening and it becomes a little bit boring. I mean, you might be bored right from the start. You might take a few minutes to realize that listening to me and giving your full attention to what I'm saying makes you kind of tired.

And, you know, you sort of start to think, hmm, perhaps I'll go to sleep. So there's a few different benefits of listening to me. One would be, I guess, if you're in bed and you're listening to me to get to sleep, you know, you're taking me to bed with you yet again.

I can't believe the amount of people that take me to bed with them. And I'm still single. It's not fair.

And so I, you know, the mind being overactive at times, which can happen to some people, including myself, you know, and my boring voice can be a little bit of a distraction, just a little bit, just a tiny, tiny, tiny little bit of distraction, which can allow you to be distracted. And I have the sound of the fridge in the background, which is in the kitchen. I always find, I know some people have their fridges in different rooms, don't they? I don't know anyone who's ever had one in a bathroom or the loft, generally not in the living room either.

Unless the living room has a kitchen attached, you know, like in, well, friends, for example, or one of my ex-girlfriends. But I mentioned friends because it's more likely you would have seen their kitchen. And living room.

Yeah, didn't both the flats have it? Unless you might have seen the kitchen of my girlfriend, my ex-girlfriend, but it wasn't really a kitchen. It was a living room with a, basically just kitchen cupboards. And, you know, it's just almost shouldn't have been there.

Just didn't seem right. I still have nightmares. Very, yeah, I like things to be correct.

Or got very, very, very sensitive to structurally designed, you know, I was thinking, I was, I was thinking, and it's got to be, I'm not going to use the C word. And those that think and they don't know what the C word is, and you're listening to this in the future, you know, like, well, you're going to be listening to the future because I'm recording it now. And I'll be deleting it.

I'll be, although I do like to delete stuff, I will be releasing it in the future. An hour and a half. So if this recording lasts for an hour, I will probably half an hour afterwards be able, be able to, is it be able, be able, is it be able, B-E-A-B-L-E, or is it be E, then A-B-L-E, be able, or is it be able, like one word.

You may not learn anything listening to me, but might get you thinking, thinking, why don't I do something else? What is this strange person talking about? What's he talking about? Why? Why does he keep doing it? I don't know. Yeah. So if you're in the future, you know, let's say 2093, something like that.

And wow, that's 73 years away, isn't it? 73 years. How old will I be then? 73 plus 49. That's over 26 years old.

I think you'll find it's 79, like over 100, 130, 140 years old. That's what I said, it's over 25 years old. No, no, no, that's not right.

It's not right. It's over, it's like 140 or something. I can't say it's over 100, over 25.

But it is, isn't it? My head's just exploded through anger. Anger. So, I just, there's something that I like to do.

Don't tell anyone. You know, I like to do, I like to stand in the middle of my living room. And I can only do it at certain times, but I can stand in the middle of my living room anytime I want.

But for this specific little adventure of mine, what I like to do is stand in the middle of the living room and sneeze really loudly and spray it all around the room. I literally turn around. I've got this little turntable that I stand on.

It's like a potter's wheel. And I spray the whole wall. It's brilliant.

Because I miss being able to do that in public. I do. I miss being able to do that in a supermarket.

The amount of times I've been told off by staff members in the local Sainsbury's supermarket. Please stop sneezing over all the produce. Please, can you, can you move that potter's wheel? It's tripping up people.

Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to harm anybody. I'm just trying to make friends.

So yeah, I just, I like to do, sometimes I'll go into the park. Again, don't tell anybody. I don't do anything weird in the park.

I'm not talking about late at night, you know, climbing into people's gardens and pretend to be a gnome, anything like that. Take a little fishing rod and some binoculars. No, nothing like that.

This was um, going to the middle of a park. And I did the same thing. I sneezed.

But really, really loud. And real, it's good. There's no one around.

I don't do it when there's anyone around. And probably shouldn't do it outside. But I don't know, just, I think it's a little bit like pickpocketing on a really busy train, like an underground, metro, whatever, you know, the train.

It's a little bit like pickpocketing in that scenario. Sometimes you just got to do it, you just, it seems like the right thing to do. You know, you're surrounded by people, you got a wallet there, another wallet there, mobile phone or mobile phone, if you're in America, sticking out like, if only I was an octopus, I could have everything.

Just like, oh, I don't even want that thing. And I'm not, I'm not a thief, but I imagine that's what vegetarians feel like sometimes, when they're on their own, not preaching or pretending anything. It's like, you know, just go with their natural urges.

And maybe they're sharing a house with non-vegetarians, and they just see something in the fridge, like a sausage roll, and they're hungry, and they want it. They really want that sausage roll. That's exactly like sneezing in a park, I think.

Made sense before I said it. Mind you, I didn't think about it before I said it. Was I supposed to? Sorry, I forgot to read the small print.

Had a little nap, a little nap, a little sleep. Can't do it in my chair anymore, because the chair's broken. It's just like my heart.

It's just broken. It's, I can sit in it. I can.

I can sit in it. Not this chair. This isn't a real chair.

Well, it is. It is a real chair. It's not a comfortable chair to be sitting in.

It's quite, I suppose it's quite comfortable, and it's made to sit in. It's a chair that's not made for. There's a plane in the sky.

Or is it a train? No, it's probably a plane. How would a train get up there? I'm thinking of growing a beard. I'm thinking of writing some poems.

Doing a little book of poetry. Nice book of poetry. Irfran.

Irfan. Irfan Khan. Who's Irfan Khan? Was that Imran Khan? No? Irfran.

I'm just watching the news. Well, not really watching the news. I still think the funniest thing that I've heard for a long time, and to, there ain't a lot of comedy on the news, generally anyway, but it's very, a bit samey at the moment.

I mean, the novelty's definitely worn off. It was Priti Patel. Her parents were very optimistic.

Would have named her. She had, she said something, say, she's a politician person. And she said that over the last two months, or since, since all the shops are closed down, shoplifting has reduced.

Since the majority of shops and stores have been closed, shoplifting has reduced. This is actually Priti Patel. Priti.

P-R-I-T. P-R-I-T. I can't just say the word pretty.

P-R-I-T. She's my local MP. Can you believe? She's actually my local MP.

It's funny. She can't say PPE. It's always PPE.

PPE. PPE. I can't say PPE.

PPE. PPE. Boris Johnson's.

I think that Boris Johnson and his girlfriend are the same person. I don't think he's actually got a girlfriend. Is it Carrie Simmons or whatever? I think it's the same person.

I do. And the reason I've got evidence, I've got, well, I've got no evidence, but if I did, it would be really good evidence. It'd be the best evidence ever.

And there'd be people congratulating me for the level of wonderfulness of my evidence. But I do think that a Prime Minister, Alexander Johnson, that's his actual name. Boris is one of his middle names.

It's not his real name. It's not his first name. It's Alexander.

Don't call him Boris. Call him Alexander. It's more regal actually, isn't it? Alex, do you, Alexander? Don't stand, take this position of Prime Minister.

Seriously, do you? I think he wants to be Queen. Anyway, I think he's the same person as Carrie Simmons, his pretend girlfriend. Because I think it's a little bit of a coincidence.

A little bit of a coincidence that he hasn't been seen for two months. And suddenly, the day he is publicly seen, he has a new baby that his girlfriend gave birth to. That was him.

I think he's the one. He didn't have any virus. He had a baby.

He was clearly pregnant. I think he must have had some kind of weird pregnancy that just went on for too long. And maybe, perhaps he thought, yeah, doctors thought, well, I'm sorry, Boris, but the baby has survived, but it's still in your tummy.

And he was saying, I haven't got time for such fuss. I'm a real man. I haven't got time for operation.

We don't want to be taking up NHS resources for such things. Oh, no. No time for illness or pain.

People who have pain are weak. They're weak. People with ill are weak.

That's what he thinks. And so I reckon that the doctors pretended that he had a virus and they took him into hospital under false pretenses. Because maybe it was starting to smell.

And maybe the wall is broke. And he kept saying, I keep, I can't stop weeing. I'm just urinating all the time.

I can't stop piffing up the wall, piffing. I didn't even know what piffing was until I looked it up. Well, actually, I didn't know what it was until someone told me what it was on television.

They didn't actually tell me specifically. Imagine if someone actually did do that. You see it in movies sometimes, don't you, in TV shows where it's usually the person that's got psychological issues.

And so you see the person on television go, and that goes for you too, Jason. Remember, I'm talking to you. So I reckon, Alexander Johnson, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Commonwealth, UK, Britain, England, is, they took him in, said, Boris, Boris, you're going to go for a little walk.

If you go for a walk, would you like to go for a walk, Boris? Can I? Can I? Yeah, can I? Yeah, come here then. Shall we go to the zoo? Ladies, can we see the monkeys? Can we see the monkeys? Yes, course you can, Boris. I like the monkeys.

Yeah, you do like the monkeys, don't you? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. Yeah.

Can we cycle? Can we cycle? No, we can't cycle, Boris. It's too far to cycle. We're going to go in a car.

But I want to cycle. I love cycling. I've got bikes all over London.

I did that. You know, I've got them all done. Yeah, I did.

They're the Boris bikes. They're called the Boris bikes. Yes, we know about the Boris bikes.

Yes, we do. That's a great idea. So get in the car.

Oh, I can't stop weeing. I'm so excited. Yeah, you do seem to be weeing quite a lot.

So they thought, oh, his water's broke. So we better get him into the hospital and get him, you know, get him to poo it out. And so they put a mask on him, oxygen and stuff.

He thought, oh, oh, I've got this thing now. I can be all, I can be a hero. I'm like Churchill.

The whole country is going to be having a parade for me. And then he had a baby. So that's what I think happened.

He is also his girlfriend. He's the same person. They just said that about Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson.

Remember the papers? It's the same person. Well, clearly not. Didn't even look like each other.

Didn't sing like each other. Didn't even dance like each other. And plus Janet Jackson liked adults.

I was a big fan of Michael. I wonder if he ever had a relationship with an adult. I do wonder because I can't remember him ever being.

Didn't he date a tennis player? Andre Agassi or something? I'm sure he did. Or was it Jodie Foster? No, wasn't it that girl from the Blue Lagoon? Didn't he date her for a bit? And then a few years, about 10 years later, the Blue Lagoon. When I fall in love, it will be forever.

Or I will never fall in love again. So yeah, that's what these recordings are about. Just being boring.

Just talking about nothing at all. I might grow a beard. I might shave my head.

I might wear a ferret t-shirt. Yes. So that hasn't been a lot happening, really, in my life.

Generally. I got the website back to right. Not to how it was.

But I've added quite a few playlists on there. For most of my podcasts. The main, well, all of my podcasts, actually, that I have now.

And it means I could fall asleep. Yeah, I really could fall asleep. I've really enjoyed the weather being rainy.

Oh, it's lovely. For me, if I'm asleep during the day, rainy during the day means no one in the garden, no one mowing the lawns and stuff like that. So it's kind of quiet.

I do like the summer in some ways. But the winter is just a lot quieter. A lot quieter.

But I do like the sunlight, apart from when I don't. So it's nice to be able to go out later in the day and still be able to see, you know, kind of things. Not banging into stuff.

And as Andre is so insistent on going out constantly. Yeah, Daddy, take me out. I want to go out.

You're not a dog, Andre. You're not a dog. You don't need to go out.

This is not an essential thing to be leaving the house for. But I want to go out. I don't want to go out myself.

I don't want to take you out. I want to keep away from people. That's what we're supposed to do.

I want to go out. That's his answer. I want to go out.

I want to go out. And he's been scratching the front door. I'm surprised there's a front door left, honestly.

I half expect, because he scratches when I'm not here as well. I half expect to come in one day, put my key in the door and just the door just dissolving, you know, just like to flakes from all the scratching that he's done. It's annoying as well.

He's just... See, I've got the shed in the bedroom. It should be in the garden, but it's in the bedroom, which is my recording studio. But it's not, because it's not quiet enough.

The only way it works is if I close this. Well, basically, Andre can't be in the bedroom when I'm making a recording. Otherwise, it doesn't work.

It don't work. So what I do is I wait until Andre's asleep. I close this door in here in the living room, close the kitchen door, the bathroom door.

I close the bedroom door. Sometimes I have to open up again and go in there first and I close it behind me. Then I go into the... Or sometimes I can do the recording sitting on the bed or go into the recording studio shed and set it up.

And it's really quiet until he starts scratching at this door here. And it's so loud. It's proper loud, really.

So then I have to get up. Sometimes, you know, so it takes me... I'm trying to think, where did I put the tennis racket? That's what I'm going to hit him with. Where did I put it? And God, I can't imagine if I did that, what he would do to me when I was asleep.

I'd wake up with no toes. Honestly, just chew them when I was asleep. End up tied to the bed.

I don't know how he'd do that though. It's a ferret. I'm not sure how or why.

And it's loud. It's really loud. So I come in here, open the door.

He's looking at me like, what do you want? What's your problem? How dare you close the doors? How dare you close the doors? What do you have to say for yourself? Now, I would not be told what to do or be chastised by a ferret. So I just run away crying into the bathroom. Eventually, he's knocking on the door.

Oh, darling, I didn't mean it. Oh, come on. I'm just angry.

I'm not angry at you. I'm just angry at other stuff. You know, I struggle to show my emotions and sometimes it comes out wrong.

And I'm in there and I don't care. I've had enough. I don't want to take it anymore.

You're so changeable. Why can't you just be more stable like me? And his answer to that quite often is, he's serious. He says, who's stable like you? Me? I'm stable.

Oh, I'm sorry. And he's like, he woos me out sometimes. He sings a song.

He's got this little, I don't know where he got it from, but he's got this little piano. He just like plays it. It's not so much a piano.

It's like one of those little, somewhat like a glocking spill, really, but a very miniature one. But it's kind of like a piano. There's nothing like a piano, is it? I used to play the glocking spill when I was a kid.

I never thought that it'd be useful until just now. I've been able to use it as a reference in a pointless made up story about a ferret. Sometimes I wonder why my underpants dissolve when I fart.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this. Back in the days when we had shops, I was in a clothes shop. And was it a clothes shop? I think it might have been.

I think it was a clothes shop. Anyway, I was in one part of it. I let off the biggest fart because there was no one around.

Or so I thought. And I turned a corner and there was this lady. And I think even if I'd been George Clooney, I wouldn't have stood a chance with her after that kind of fart.

I think even that would have... You can't recover from that. But I'm Brad Pitt. Makes no difference, mate.

That fart. You can't do stuff like that in public. Sorry, Brad.

But everybody loves me. Yeah, I know. But I've got an Oscar.

Yeah. Yeah, but you... The Oscar. What do you mean? I'm not criticising you, Brad.

I'm not. It sounds like you are. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm just saying that you are my best supporting actor. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I collected it. You know, I do know what it was for.

Okay, Brad. I'm sorry. I'm not being rude.

I'm just saying it wasn't... Should I say... Well, okay, I could ask you a question. How long did it take you to get into character for that movie? What do you mean? Well, how long did it take you to get into the role, to prepare for the role that you played? I don't understand. You play the character.

You're an actor, yeah? No. No, you are. You're an actor.

You play a part. You play a role. You have lines and you play a different personality.

You have a personality and, you know, it's characteristics and that's why you won the Oscar, isn't it? No. I just... I'm just me in every single film. I'm the same person.

Same character. Yeah, I know. So why do you think they gave me the Oscar then? I think it's because they gave Leonardo DiCaprio the Oscar a couple of years before.

It's just... It's a nice gesture really, isn't it? Oh, you know, I wasn't in Titanic. I didn't say you was in Titanic. They did want me though.

They wanted you as what? As the girl. Okay. They wanted you as the girl? Yeah.

To do what? Well, just for the topless scene. I was surprised that they showed... because Titanic is kind of a family movie, isn't it? Nothing to bring families together like thousands of people dying in a sinking ship. But I can't believe it when she got her nobbles out.

Because he didn't... he painted her. Well, did she paint herself? Leonardo. Leonardo.

Leonardo. Other films... I'm not sure. There was one film that I was in, not in, that I liked of his.

I didn't watch the cowboy film. I tried to watch it a couple of times. I just couldn't... couldn't prove myself to watch it.

And it's supposed to be good. I mean, he won an Oscar for it. What was the other thing? It was one on an island.

But once you've seen it there's no point seeing it again because you know what it's about. It's... I won't spoil the movie, but it's about the sixth sense with Bruce Willis. Once you've... can you imagine someone with the name Bruce being a star? Yeah, there is.

There's like two huge stars with the name Bruce. Bruce Springsteen and Willis. Is there any others? Oh, Bruce.

Bruce Forsythe in England. Are those no longer with us? But Bruce is kind of really... it's like Clive or Duncan or Horace or Jason. You know what I mean? My name is... there's a few, isn't there? Jason Statham, Jason Norblorbo, who plays Aquaman.

Jason... I'm thinking about people that are kind of around now. You know, Jason and the Argonauts. A real person, by the way.

Jason... I remember... oh, up to 1987, when everyone heard anyone, you know, sort of... I'd go into a new job or somewhere and they'd hear my name. Oh, Jason, the Argonauts. And then 1987, oh, Jason Donovan.

And it actually has stuck even now. I mean, people don't say it so much now because I'm an old man now, but they used to say, oh, Jason Donovan. I wonder if the Prime Minister has that.

Your name's Boris. Oh, Boris Becker. Oh, what other people? Boris... I don't know.

It's me, but Boris sounds like some kind of serial killer. I don't know, just Boris. Boris the Hatchet or something.

You know, it just sounds a bit... Boris. My name's Boris. Really? Boris, Boris, Boris, Boris, Boris, Boris, Boris.

I mean, you know, who would have thought that Donald Duck would end up being, you know, in a place that he got to? My name is Donald. Donald? I think if I was named Donald, I'd have to be called Don. I would.

I couldn't be called Donald. I've never known anyone called Donald. I mean, he's a fairly famous one now, but other than Donald Duck, which, let's face it, that must be what the American President was named after.

He was named after a Disney character. I mean, could it be worse? Could the next U.S. President be Pluto Trump? Popeye? Popeye Trump? Well, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, that's a different character. I'm trying to think.

How does Pluto go? I'm trying to try, but I can't. That's a different one. Orville.

I quite like the name Orville. Partly because of Orville the Duck. You know, I wish I could fly right up to the sky, but I can't.

You can. I can't. That's Orville the Duck.

I think it was one of the Burt Reynolds films, Smokey and the Bandit. I think he's Or, every which way but loose, with Clint Eastwood. I think it might be now, but his sidekick was called Orville.

So I think if I have a child, maybe call him Orville or her Orville. I think every parent has a duty to give their children the most ridiculous names possible. It's important.

It's really important. That's why what I quite like to do, I think, is if I had a kid, is homeschool the child and just teach them some made up thing. You know, just some made up belief system.

Because you can teach kids absolutely anything and they'll believe it. And if they grow up believing it, you know, they pretty much, when they're adults, they'll still believe it. So I quite like the idea.

Perhaps not my own kids, but maybe, I don't know, maybe get together with someone that's already got a young child and teach them all that made up stuff. It's all made up anyway, isn't it, really? Most stuff, even language is just made up. It's created.

It's not real. Boris. Wow.

So the thing is, if you look at Boris, he looks like he lost some weight. Just saying, same person. The thing is, there's a whole thing with babies.

And it's supposed to be like a genetical, I don't know what it is, but when the baby's born, it looks like the father. So going back to caveman days or whatever, so the father wouldn't reject the child, you know, wouldn't be suspicious and accept the child because the child looked like him, even if it's a girl. And then, you know, they develop and become human, have human features.

And so there's no DNA tests needed or anything like that. Obviously, because, you know, caveman days, would cost a fortune, wouldn't it? The thing is, Boris Johnson, his baby, it's automatically going to look like him because it's a baby. In fact, he could walk through the whole maternity unit and be thinking, oh my goodness, how did I give birth to so many? How did I put out so many babies? No, no, Alexander, they're not, they're not all yours.

Only one of them's yours. Oh, but they all look like me. Yeah, they're babies.

I actually saw pictures of my nieces, my little niece, and she's, I don't know, two years old now. And I couldn't believe it. Last time I saw her, she was like a little, tiny little thing.

And I say now she's got a human face. She's actually got features. She looks like a human.

Like an actual baby. Babies are just, just a squashed face, isn't it? It just, they look like a really, just a pissed off pensioner. Babies are just, just a little alien, big eyes, just staring at everything.

But they're great. I mean, you know, I feel I only have one connection ever in my whole life with a baby. And like a proper small baby, I was dating a girl, a lady in 95.

And she had a son and he was still, he's still in the cot. So he's only, he's less than a year old, I think, perhaps a year or something. And he loved me, really bonded with me.

And I bonded with him. And I used to sing to him when he'd go to sleep, if I promised to stop singing. And he had a little contract for me to sign.

It was like really, I don't know why, because I've not, I've dated women with kids, and they're usually older, the kids. So like, this was the first one that I'd known. And the baby was just really, really baby, a baby, baby.

I remember saying to her one day, I said, well, where's the milk then? Anyway, she said, it's in the fridge. I said, okay, good. So I made her a cup of coffee.

And this baby, this, I forget his name now. And he had to, he was in hospital. I was away.

And he was in hospital. So I came back to London to sort of see him and to see her, my girlfriend. And as soon as I walked in the hospital, put his arms out for me.

I hadn't seen him for about four weeks, five weeks. Straight away, he wanted me. And I don't know, it felt quite nice.

Probably the closest I felt to having a, yeah, like that. You know, at that time, it was the closest I felt to having a, like to being a father, kind of a father figure. It wasn't, I wasn't really a father figure, but I think I, he definitely had a connection with me.

And I had a connection with him. And he didn't cry. Didn't cry.

He just wanted me to sing to him. And I'd read and stuff. And he was really best little boy.

He just didn't, didn't, you know, didn't cause a fuss or anything. And I think that when he was born, he was just so satisfied with everything that he was, he was just a happy, happy child. And he got what he needed.

Got what he was, yeah, he got everything he needed and he seemed quite content really. What's weird about it though is because that was 1995, 25 years ago. So he'll now be about 26 years old.

Can you believe it? A 26 year old man, he might have his own kids. Wow. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. So that's what I mean by pointless stories.

That's a completely useless pointless story. There's no point to it. Yes.

And I used to have a girlfriend then. So let me tell you about it. No, please don't.

No, but I want to. I'd really like to. Really, really, really, really, really liked her a lot.

And had the circumstances have been different, I reckon we would have been together for a long time. By circumstances, I mean, if she'd have liked me back. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. She was nice.

Very, very beautiful woman. So there you go. I'm gonna go now.

I'm gonna treat myself to, I might treat myself to a bit of toast. Yeah. A bit of toast and jam.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about what I did. Or did I do it yesterday? Or was it the night before? Or was it today? Today? Oh, yeah. So I've not been able to get any food delivered for two months.

However long it's been five weeks, six weeks, seven weeks. And supermarkets just, you know, completely disregard me as soon as I go onto the website. I found a click and collect slot that was in Asda, which is a heck of a long way away.

Like a real, real long way away. So it's going to take me, even on the bus, it's going to take me over an hour to get there. And from here, it's waiting on the bus.

Yeah. And if I come back by bus, I can only carry a certain amount of things. It's hard to judge that when I'm ordering online.

Because I think there's a certain limit to how much you have to spend a certain amount. So two bags, two carrier bags, like big carrier bags. They're woollen bags at all, but made of material, not plastic.

So they're quite big. I like the kind of thing that my nan would be proud of, seeing me carry. I don't know if she'd be proud of it, actually.

But the kind of thing that she would probably use to hit me with when I was shoplifting. The kind of thing that I would use when I was shoplifting. I don't shoplift anymore.

I never did. I don't know why I'm saying I did. I don't, haven't.

I might do though. I suppose I would if I had to. But do we have to? Luckily, I don't have the kind of habit, any kind of habit, naughty habit, nasty habit that requires constantly breaking the law.

So I'm fairly lucky there. So if I got there, and there's too much stuff to carry, then I'm going to be in trouble. What I thought about doing is getting a delivery, getting a taxi there and back, or maybe getting a bus there and getting a taxi back.

And then I thought, what if I can't get a taxi on the day? What if there's no taxis? What the hell am I going to do? So in the end, I just cancelled the slot. Because, and it was for May the 11th or something, it was like weeks away. And I thought, no, I can't guarantee that I can get the stuff home.

Because I don't drive, you see, I don't drive. So now I was thinking, because I've already ordered stuff on Amazon, some groceries. Very expensive way to do it.

Very expensive. And I have to be careful, because I've had stuff from Amazon stolen from the doorstep. But the other day, I had a bottle of water, a big box of water bottles.

Because I don't drink out of the tap, I drink out of water bottles. And the, and I've got, I think, four lots of this. So I have enough for probably a good month or so.

I came out into the hallway, where the front door is, it's normally there. And there was a little piece of paper, a little bit of card sticking through the letterbox. And it said on it, sorry, this box is too heavy to carry upstairs.

It only left it outside in the street. Didn't even leave it inside the door, inside the hallway. They left it in the street, outside.

And I didn't hear them knocking on the door or anything. But I did hear someone coming up the stairs and a lot of banging. I figured it was them.

So I went to the front door and saw this bit of card. And then there was a knock on the door. And it was actually one of my neighbours had brought the box up, a female.

It's not like a local neighbour around the corner. And she just carried the box up for me. I had no idea it was out there.

So that's one of the downsides of getting stuff that's heavy, I guess. I don't want to. I don't want to be ordering stuff on Amazon like that.

And when I order stuff from the supermarket, I expect them to bring it up to my flat. Because, you know, because of my lower back, I can't really carry heavy stuff. I can physically carry it, but it just causes a lot of pain afterwards.

So I just, I couldn't believe my friend, you know, just brought the box up. Heck of a strong as well. She didn't, she was lifting it with one little finger.

Handed it to me and I just fell straight to the floor. It was almost like there was no gravity outside in the hallway outside my front door. And as soon as I passed into the hallway of my flat, my living space, gravity suddenly appeared.

Either that or it was just, I'm just really weak. That could be it. And then what I did yesterday is I remembered that when I first moved in here, I used an online food delivery that delivers frozen food.

And mainly do it for pensioners, for elderly people and people that are maybe physically unable to get out of the house and to go to the shops and stuff. And I was using it because of the, you know, I didn't really, didn't really want to go out, but it was a little bit expensive. I mean, some of the meals are like five pound.

So you can see how that could add up. Well, I thought, you know what, I'm just going to get some because I need to eat and I need to have a bit more variety of food. I don't cook food anyway, really.

When I do cook stuff, it's just the same bland stuff. So what I did is I ordered lots of stuff, lots of different meals, different meals. So I've got different things every day.

A few desserts as well, which is nice, but mainly meals. And I spent everything I had on that. And the delivery's coming in a couple of days.

I thought, wow, I'll have enough food for hopefully for two weeks. And if it goes to plan, I'll do the same thing next time. And the good thing about it, I can give them cash when they deliver it.

Because my debit card got stopped by the bank. They called me saying, we think you've been fraudulent activity. And it hasn't been.

And I think what it is, is I tried to pay for something. It's a podcast. There's one that I blocked myself.

I said, I don't want them, you know, I blocked it so that they couldn't take any money out of my account. This is a couple of months ago when I put a block on most of the internet stuff, because I was worried that I'd have money taken out. Because an internet podcast place tried to take 300 pound out of my bank.

And yeah, I think it triggered an alarm or whatever. So I had to go through the whole process of putting in my details. And it's, you know, all that stuff.

But it's okay now that I've got enough to pay for the food when that arrives. I've got other deliveries coming from Amazon. And I've got 15 pound in cash to last me till next Thursday.

So that's a week, week away. So I'd be able to get some milk and bread and something in a few days when I need it. And was it Friday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, three days, blindly.

Other stuff I need to get as well. Maybe I'll go up to the shop. So I washed me, I did, I washed me bum earlier.

So I won't smell so bad. Still smell bad, but not as bad. So yeah, that's it really.

I think I've lost weight the last few weeks. Definitely when I eat, I eat less. And I made the perfect omelette today by accident.

I did decide to do beans on toast, end up with an omelette. Blimey. And it was perfect, fluffy.

And I realised, and the way I did it is I heated the frying pan with the butter in. Then I took the frying pan off the heat once it was all melted. And Andre's just, Andre's arrived to do, to do, no, I'm looking what he's doing.

I don't want to pick him up. Can't believe the one time I'm doing a video, I should have got him, shouldn't I? Completely forgot about him. I've also completely forgot what I was talking about.

Yeah, so I'm going to go. Thank you for listening. Although I'm doing this on the audio and I'm recording on video, I might not use the video, but I'll definitely upload the audio.

I'll have to listen back to the video to see if it sounds okay. I could edit it and add the audio from the podcast, sync it with the video, but I can't be bothered. I'm just too lazy for stuff like that.

Anyway, I'm going to go now. Thank you very much for everyone that's left me massages and I shall speak to you very soon. Take care.

Bye bye. And remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. See ya.

Lots of love.