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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com and Andre climbing on my chair. My name is Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Come here then, come here.
Don't ruffle on the microphone like you did yesterday. Please only listen when you can be bored and sleep and close your eyes and all that stuff. I'm a little bit worried about my little boy here because... Did you hear him sighing? Right baby.
So I'm just cuddling him but I'm making sure he doesn't go near the microphone. He's licking my thumb now. You little baby sucking a thumb.
Little baby, little baby. He seems to be hobbling a little bit. And I think he might have hurt his leg but... I've, you know, I've... I don't know the best way to explain this.
I've been, you know, I've moved his leg around all four of his, both his hands, his arms and his legs and moved them around and he's not made any noise or any signs of discomfort or anything. But he seems to be, I don't know, as if one of his legs is weak or weaker. In fact, I'm stretching his leg now.
I think it might be his left foot. Left foot, yeah. Because his right foot seems to be more flexible than his left foot.
But he's not in pain because otherwise he, trust me, he doesn't hide it. If I do anything that hurts him, of course, it's always by accident, usually, he'll let me know. So I'm just a bit wondering, like, what's going on? I mean, I do sometimes tread on him, not purposely.
Hey, why don't you do the hypnosis thing? I'll hypnotize you. I lay him on his back. So I've got my knees together.
I lay him on his back on my knees, like, you know, my thighs and my knees. And he's on his back and his face is, his tummy is facing up. And I hold his hands, gently massage his hands, just stroke them.
And he just stays there for ages apart from right now when he just got up. It didn't work. Damn it.
But sometimes he does, he just falls asleep. Because he likes it. I just like gently massage his feet and his hands.
He's definitely hobbling. I've looked at his feet. He hasn't got anything stuck in his feet.
There's nothing obvious because, I don't know. He might have just sprained his ankle or something. Or, I hate to say it, maybe he's just getting old.
Which just doesn't seem right because it'll be five years in August. And, no, I hope he's not old. I think he's probably, I don't know what ferret years is in human years, but, I'll say his dog years is 7, 14, 28, 30.
So I think his years will be more. So he's probably, he may be in his 40s. I don't know.
In ferret years. But he seems happy enough. I took him for a long, long walk today.
So it's not stopping him from walking. He's just hobbling a little bit. And he might have hurt himself during the walk.
Or got something stuck in his foot. So I feel I need to have another look in his feet to make sure there's nothing causing him discomfort. But he normally comes to me if he's got stuff like that.
But, you know, he doesn't suffer in silence. He's a proper whinger. But proper full on until I do, you know, take the problem away.
Which is good because it means that I can then sort it out for him. But he seems peaceful. I don't know.
I took him for a walk today. Because the clocks went forward or back or whatever last night. The yesterday or whatever day was.
It was lighter in the evening. So I took him out. It was about half six, I think.
We went all the way around and then he wanted to go into the field. So I did walk around before. I thought I'm not going into the field itself because I might need the toilet.
So I thought I just go around the edge of the field and then we'll just, you know, go back our normal route back home. And then he wants to walk up towards the railway track. So I said, OK, we'll walk up the field there.
And then he wants to walk further up the field. So I end up walking miles and miles out of my way. And then he starts hovering around my feet.
He starts walking, turns back, starts sniffing at my feet. Now, I refuse to pick him up. Unless he asks me to pick him up.
And he does that by looking up at me, putting both his hands on my leg and looks up at me. And that way I know he wants me to pick him up. But he wasn't doing that.
So I think he was being a bit manipulative, a bit crafty. Because eventually he gave up and because I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do. And he did, he put his hands on my legs, looked up at me and I picked him up.
And straight away he tried to get inside my jacket. So I undid my jacket and put him in and he basically just stayed there, went to sleep. So he'd got me to walk miles and miles and miles into fields, right the way out of the way.
And I had to walk back with him carrying him. And it's not an issue of his weight because he doesn't weigh much. It's just I didn't need to walk that far.
But I think in his mind he thought he didn't want to take responsibility for me carrying him. He thought well I'll just sniff around his feet for a bit and then daddy will pick me up anyway. And I haven't had to ask him, therefore it's not my fault.
But I'm carrying him and he's stuck in the middle of a field. But I didn't give in to him. I sussed him out.
I said to him if you want me to carry you, to pick you up, you know what to do. I'm sure I heard him sigh like he sucked on his teeth a bit. And then he put his hands on my trousers and the bottom of my trousers, not like near my thighs, he's not that long hands, he's only little.
Imagine if he did it, it'd be like ET, like an ET ferret. And he looked up at me and said okay, I wasn't expecting him to climb inside my jacket and go to sleep. And that is pushing.
It's a little bit of a wind up because normally when we're out, not all the time but quite often, he just needs to be held and carried for 30 seconds, gets his energy back and then he wants to walk again. Nope, not this time. And he'd been begging me to take him out all day.
In fact, even now, he still wants to go out. I'm not going out at this time in the morning, apart from the fact that we're not supposed to go out. So, but you know, it's two o'clock in the morning, there's not going to be anyone around but there's also no street lights on.
So I'm not going to walk around in the pitch black. No, I shan't do it, he can't make me. No, I don't want to do it.
Andre, I said no. So yeah, I did that and before I actually carried, I thought, you know what, I'll do that, I'll take him out. And as I'm, I've got him underneath my jacket because this new lead that I've got for him, it's a bit bulky, so it's much easier to have him in my jacket and then get outside and I can put him on the ground and he can walk.
Well, I fell down the stairs. We've got concrete steps and it sounds dramatic and it isn't quite as dramatic as I'll make it out to be, but for drama's sake, I fell from a greater height and I broke everything. No, I didn't.
I basically, just nearly the bottom of the stairs, it was a second from last step, I think. I missed a step and my ankle just went and I fell over, smashed my knee, both my knees actually on the floor and ended up on my back. So I also smashed my shoulder and I had him on the left side of me inside my jacket.
If I landed on my right or on my front, he could have got, you know, hurt. But he didn't because I managed to land. I must have just remembered like unconsciously that he was there because those things happen really quickly, don't they? And again, I know he's not hurt because he always makes a sound if he gets trod on or because he's got a habit of just getting underneath your feet when you're walking.
Like he purposely stands in your way or in my way. I don't know why he does it. I mean, the other day I was walking with my friend who's got a dog and we're keeping a distance, it's outside, it's at night.
But Andre, because my lead is quite long now, I've got that lead extension, the dog's doing a poo. Andre is walking towards the dog's bum as the dog's doing a poo. Basically, he's got his head right down in the grass, Andre has.
He's not looking where he's going. He's just following the dog or the smell, I don't know. I was saying, Andre, stop.
It's not a kangaroo. You can't just climb in there. And just, he nearly got covered, but I managed to get him out of the way.
I couldn't believe it. He's never done anything like that before. He's usually a bit more aware of what he's doing, but he wasn't.
Not that time. So, I've basically got two bruised knees. I can't remember the last time my knees got this bruised, since I was working at Kings Cross.
I had a cleaning job and I had to do this scrub the floor. It was a bit rubbish. It was all on my knees and stuff.
But I decided after that, you get knee pads. Any kind of kneeing down, you need knee pads because knees are important. And it was my bad shoulder as well that I landed on.
So I'm kind of, and my neck was a little bit, it's a little bit, oh, and my chest as well. So I'm also thinking, well, I've got a bit of bruising to my shin and my ankle feels a little bit tender, my right ankle. So I'm wondering what I'm going to wake up like in the morning.
Like, oh, but I'm feeling all right. I think the main thing is that he was okay. Because I don't normally have him in my jacket when I walk downstairs.
The only reason I did it is because he's so wiggly, it's hard to even close the door, you know, to get the keys, lock the door when he's all over the place. So I thought, no, I'm going to stick him down my jacket. That way I can at least close the door without him jumping all over me.
And, you know, it just is such a pain. But when he's normally outside, in a situation like me falling over, he would have just landed on the floor and he'd just like probably laughed at me. I think part of the reason is because I didn't want to touch the banister.
It's weird, because normally I touch the banister, I hold the banister as I walk down the stairs. It's not so much that I'm old. It's just, I've fallen down a few flights of stairs over the years.
And I know it's not a wonderful experience. And why not, if there's a banister, why not use it, you know? Might as well, as it's there. And the ironic laugh is ironic.
I was actually walking down the middle of the steps thinking, I'm not using the banister, I don't need to. But generally, that's what I was thinking. And then I slipped and fell down the last bit of the stairs and ended up on my back, holding my right knee going, ow, ow.
I tried to get it louder and louder, hoping that someone would come out of their flats so they could feel sorry for me. But nothing, no one. I'm out.
Diddly. Zero. Compassion.
No one seems to care about me. So yeah, it's okay. And I thought, perhaps I'll just go back upstairs.
I won't go for a walk. But everything worked fine. So maybe the fact that I continued and I carried on walking was good for my knee, rather than just sitting down and thinking, oh, it hurts.
Oh. So I don't know, maybe the walking got the blood pumping to my knees to get the healing process going. Possibly, I don't know.
I'm not a doctor. I'm kind of practically a doctor, but not really. Nowhere near.
Not an astronaut either. I don't think, I don't know if I've ever really fancied being an astronaut. Those big hats seem a bit big.
They look quite heavy. You know, I don't know if it's, I'm not sure it's really for me. But it might be.
I mean, never going to know now. Unless of course, I still want to know whether or not they can find something that can go through the, what's that bit between us and space, that little bit which you have to get through the orbit, whatever it is. On Earth, is there anything that can go through that? Actually, if something has gone through it, that proves that the planet isn't spinning, doesn't it? Otherwise, it wouldn't work.
Something kept spinning, kept spinning, kept spinning so fast that everything stayed the same and nothing moved. And yeah, I don't know. It doesn't seem logical to me.
And don't worry, I'm not a flat earther, because the Earth is bumpy. It's not flat. I don't think that we're, you know, the Earth is being carried by a giant tortoise on the back of a chicken, holding a big football, covered in cow dung, eating a scotch egg.
You know, I don't think that's happening either. I have an open mind, an open mind, but not that open so as to be silly. No.
And I think I banged my wrist as well. My right wrist, although that sometimes aches anyway. So I've made a few little changes.
And I put the adverts back on to the website, not the website, but to the podcasts. However, I've also put back the option where you can go to my website and you can listen to the top three podcasts, Advert Free and Continuous Play. So the Let Me Fall Asleep, Relaxation for Stress, Weekly Hypnosis, and Deep Sleep Whisper Hypnosis.
Those four podcasts are available on the website in the menu. You just click on them and you can play every episode continuous. Advert Free.
For those that want to. So, what's the time now? Three. It's, do they say it's two o'clock or three o'clock? Two o'clock? Two? Three? I don't know.
I normally get a second, I don't know, like a new, what do they call it? A second wave or a second breath or, you know, a bit of burst of energy around four o'clock for some reason. Where I can do stuff. I feel more able.
I'm not less tired and that lasts for about three hours. So four to about, I don't know, four hours, about till about eight o'clock. I'm normally in bed by eight, half seven, eight.
So I like to watch Cheers, which is on at 6.30 and it's two episodes, although I missed Friday's one. But I've been watching it back to back pretty much every day and they showed every episode right from the very beginning. And this is probably like the fifth time they're showing it back to back.
They do the same with Frasier as well. They keep showing it over and over again in the mornings. And then when they get to the end, they start all over again.
And they just, they've been doing it for years. And now they're doing it with Cheers, which I just love Cheers. I love it.
It is, I think it's fair to say, pretty much my favourite sitcom. Yeah, just for nostalgic reasons and because of the characters and because it's funny. But you also, you know, kind of, the characters are lovable in some ways.
Not all of them, not all, the extras, you know, the ones that, not extras, but there's characters that I didn't really bother getting to know. You know, the other ones that are standing or sitting at the bar. But the main characters, you know, Coach, Sam.
Coach, Sam. Obviously, Woody took over from Sam, from Coach. And Rebecca took over from, what's her name? This is terrible, I can't remember the names.
Not Darlene. So you've got Norm. You've got Frasier, of course, but he didn't come into it at all.
I actually saw the first episode he was in, I think Thursday morning. And what's her name? Not Sally. It's not Rachel.
Rebecca, Rebecca was her replacement, wasn't it? Although I love Rebecca as well. But Rebecca was the, she took over from Sally, Tonya, and there's Norm, and there's the postman, and then there's Norm. What's the poster's name? Not Cauliflower.
Cliff, Cliff Craven, or Cliff Claven, or Cliff Craven. I think it's Cliff Claven. And then Louise, Sarah, no.
Darlene, who's the little barmaid? I mean, little, she's tiny. Married to Danny DeVito. He had a woman that he could find that was shorter than him.
I should know, there's not that many people to remember, is there? Really, there's only a few main characters, like when it first starts. Coach, Sam, Norm, Cliff, and the two waitresses, the one that Sam dates, and the little tiny one that you can hardly see, that little ant-man around. Oh, not Darlene.
There's Norm, of course. It's going to come to me. So then the two female names, for some reason, gone.
But I remember Rebecca. And then Fraser comes into it. And then he starts dating the lady that was Sarah, Sally, Diane.
It's Diane. Isn't it really weird? I actually had to visualize Sam calling her. Darla, Carla.
I did the same with the other waitress, Carla. Wow. I had to imagine Sam and Cliffy both calling Carla.
Wow, there's something in this. Maybe this memory thing, there's something in it. So by imagining Sam calling out Diane, and then Cliffy and Sam and Norm all calling out Carla.
I wonder if I can do that with Fraser's wife. Because she becomes part of the cast, doesn't she, later on. Probably once Woody started.
But see, I remember what they look like. All these cast members, the main people, I remember what they look like. And the thing about Rebecca is how she could cry.
She had the skill to cry at a second's notice. And she was brilliant. I love Diane as well.
I love her. You can probably tell I love that TV show. I love all the characters.
And it's just a shame we didn't get to see more of Coach because he was a brilliant character as well. And his personality came out more instead of being this, they portrayed him as being this really dumb, old, you know, football coach that was almost brain dead from being hit in the head by baseballs, which was kind of this backstory. But then as the show progresses, you see that he's, he isn't, and he's doing stuff and he's, you know, he's bringing people together.
But then I think, I think he was in it for two seasons. I think Coach was, but I might be wrong. And then, of course, Woody, Woody Harrison, or Woody, I don't know what his name is in the show.
Oh, it's Woody, isn't it? Yeah. Comes into the show as well. And then he has a girlfriend who's really rich.
And he gets married to her. Sorry if there's any spoilers here, but the show finished 30 odd years ago. Sorry about that.
And you've had plenty of time to catch up. So I'm a big fan of Sam. Of just, what's his name? What's his real name? Sam.
Okay, I can get this by doing what I did before. So I watch Curb Your Enthusiasm with Larry David. And Larry David is friends with Sam Malone.
So maybe it's surname even, but it's not his real name, is it? But then they become kind of enemies because Sam, or the actor, starts dating his wife, or ex-wife, in the show, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So if you've never seen it, I really suggest you watch it. It's very funny.
It's adults. And it's very funny, because he's basically this cantankerous man. I mean, he's in his 70s, but he's really probably, he wasn't when it started, because I started watching it about 2004.
And he's the co-creator of Seinfeld. So he wrote, or co-wrote Seinfeld with Seinfeld. So he's one of the richest, yeah, one of the richest men, or men, women, whatever, in the entertainment industry.
One of them. Because he, I think he got about $600 million from Seinfeld. And then he's making money himself from his own TV show, which is probably, I don't know how much, but quite a few million, I imagine.
And then they had another payout for the Seinfeld show, which put him up to about $900 million. So he's just, so he plays himself in Curb Your Enthusiasm. So the very last, in Curb Your Enthusiasm, there's Sam, or his real name, I forget, it will come to me, because I remember Larry David talking to him.
They had an argument over a jumper. And another time, him dating his ex-wife, and there's a lot of stuff there. But what does he call him? I'm just imagining.
It's not Sam. No, I can't remember. I think one of my, well, it's not my favourite bit, but it's something I'll always remember.
In Cheers, it was the biggest TV show on, pretty much in the world at the time. Well, in America, at least. It was massive, wasn't it? Huge.
It was one of the big shows, and I don't know if it got as many views as, what was the one, the TV show that broke all records, 50 million views, for the last episode. This is going back quite some time. Not Porridge.
It was based in Korea, in the Korean War. So, anyway, whatever it's called, it will come to me. But that's another theme tune, but I'm not going to sing it either.
That had a huge American audience on its last episode. And there was characters, what called Stringer, and various different people in it. Flops, not flops.
Not cops. Bangs, bangers, no. Not chips.
Oh, chips. You see, anyone that's under the age of 30 probably has never heard of chips. Or even under the age of 40, maybe, have never heard of chips.
Not chips as in chips that you get in America in bags, that we call them crisps in England. We call chips what you would call, perhaps, fries. Those, not you, but the people in America.
I know people from all over the world listen to this, but it must be weird though, if you are from America and you come to England, and someone says, oh, should we go to the chip shop? And the idea that, should we have some lunch and go to the chip shop? First of all, there's a shop devoted to bags of crisps, and that's all you're going to have for your dinner. Yeah, see fish and chips is an example of the chips, but they're not fries, they're thick potatoes. Sam Malone chips, good TV show.
What it was, for those that don't know, it was a couple of policemen on bicycles, on those big, big bikes. And it was, I think, early 80s. And it was just soap, not soap.
What it was, I used to watch it, this show, because, I'm going back to the other show that I used to watch, because it used to be on at the same time as Cheers, like the same kind of time period. And it's when I got my very first black and white portable television in my bedroom, when I was about 14. I loved that television.
So I used to stay up late and watch the TV shows that I could never watch normally. And I carried on watching them once I left school and, you know, lived on my own. I carried on watching things like Cheers and until the early 90s when it stopped.
PAP, BAPS, not BAPS. What was it called? It had a name that didn't really, if you just said the word and the TV show never existed, you wouldn't think, oh, unless, of course, I might be wrong there. BAPS, TAPS, SAPS, WAPS.
I didn't even know. Oh, I nearly had it then. It disappeared again.
Nearly had it. SOAP, not SOAP. Nope, nope, not SOAP.
I loved SOAP. See, I never watched SOAP. Again, another American sitcom that I never got to see when it was first out.
And it was probably first out like early 70s, maybe middle 70s. And it had Billy Crystal when he was young, like proper young. And was it Stephen Mulligan or, I forget his name, but he was really funny as well.
He was in Golden Girls, wasn't he? I forget his first name, but it certainly was Mulligan. He was a good comedy actor, a brilliant comedy actor. Oh, what was it called? Ah, that's strange.
Not Cheers? No, because we've got Cheers, not Chips. Did it start with an A? No, did it start with a B? No, did it start with a C? No, did it start with a D? No, did it start with an E? No, did it start with an E? Then, G, okay. Good, good, good.
Cat. Grass. Grass, yes, grass.
Grip, grip, grip. Growl, growl. Good.
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Soap.
Porridge. Police. I remember this song.
I'm gonna now focus on it. So I remember the characters. It was set in a hospital.
The Dukes of Hazzard. No. I used to like the Dukes of Hazzard.
Yee-haw. I think basically what the Dukes of Hazzard did is it kind of copied the Smokey and the Bandit. I might be wrong.
I might be in the bandit. And, you know, sort of chasing, being chased by police and, you know, all that sort of stuff that became very popular, you know, with Burt Reynolds and stuff. Oh, what was it called? I know someone's gonna probably post me a... I'll put that if anyone's still listening.
Hopefully you've fallen asleep through absolute, through the tediousness of this recording about what on earth is he talking about? And just like stopped listening because it was just, just couldn't be bothered. And you just drift off to sleep, which is part of the plan, even though I'm actually, you know, inside being really exciting and thinking that everyone thinks that I'm like a real, you know, party guy. In fact, you're probably thinking, I hope I never meet him.
Wow, the boredom. What is, what was it? Not boats, not love boats, not soap. I don't know why soap keeps coming up.
It's not porridge, it's not soap. I think it's a similar kind of word like soap. I think that's what it is.
Toilet roll? It's unlikely that it's going to be one of the biggest TV shows in American history is going to be called Bog Roll or Arse Wipes. I doubt that's going to be. No, I can't remember.
I remember the show, not soap. This is not coming that the word soap keep coming to me head. And I don't know why.
Maybe I just need to go and wash my hands. I can't remember. It's not really that important.
Not really. I don't know. I can't remember.
I've made a few changes. I'm kind of in the process of making some stuff available for people to buy, if you want to. Of course, it's going to be just the three podcasts, the Deep Sleep Whisper, Let Me Bore You To Sleep, and the Relaxation For Stress.
And they're going to be in 50, basically files of 50. So you can download a zip file of 50 episodes, which would be $4.99 each. And they're big files.
With these ones, 50 hours with Let Me Bore You To Sleep. And because I've got over 350 of the boiling podcasts, that means that there's 51, 52, 53, 50. So seven of those.
And then I've got 200 of the Deep Sleep. So that's another four. So that's 11.
And then I've got 100 of the Sleep and the Whisper, no, Relaxation For Stress. So it's going to be 13 mp3 zip files that you can download, which will be, you know, 1 to 50, 51 to 100, 101 to 150, 151 to 200, 201 to 250, 251 to 300, and then 301 to 350. So that would be the Let Me Bore You To Sleep ones.
And then for the Deep Sleep Whisper hypnosis ones, there'll be 1 to 50, 51 to 100, 101 to 150, then 151 to 200. And then the Relaxation For Stress ones will be 1 to 50, 51 to 100. And that's it.
So that'll be all 13 things that will be available. And they'll be £4.99 each. And as I said, you'll have 50 recordings.
So I think that's pretty good. And it will cover the cost. And it will be, I've already started making them, putting them together.
It's a very timely process. But they should be available tomorrow or the day after, something like that. And I'll put them on my website.
And I don't know, I don't know how I'll organize them. But I started making the images for each one. And yeah, we'll see how it goes.
Yes, so yes, so yes. So that's really it. Oh, still can't remember the TV program.
Soap, gold, gold, bold, should, hold. Soup, soup, mash. Oh, mash.
It was mash. Mash, mash, mash, mash. M-A-S-H, ma.
Did I do ma when I went through the M's? Ma, mo, me, ma, mo, ma, mash. So it's similar to soap, except tastes better. So that's it.
I finally got that. So remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy. Do something kind.
Do something nice for yourself. Genuinely, do something nice for yourself. I'll speak to you again tomorrow.
Lots of love for me and Mash and Sam Malone and Woody and Rebecca and Diane and Norm and Cliff and Fraser and Carla. I remembered everyone and Woody and Coach. Yay.
Lots of love. And Stringer from Mash and Hawkeye from Mash. See, the memory's coming back.
Bye, bye, bye. And from the Dukes of Hazzard as well and Burt Reynolds. Anyway, I'm going.
See ya. Bye. And Wonder Woman.
Linda Kartner. Is it Lindsay Karr? Linda Karr. Diane Prince.
Wonder Woman. Yeah. But just remember to be nice to yourself.
Do something nice for yourself. Even if it's having a bath or just watching a movie you like or, you know, take care. Bye.
Oh, Grizzly Adams. Grizzly Adams, the male with the best beard in the world. Beautiful face.
Lived with a bear. With a Bionic Man. And who knew that the Bionic Man would also be a really good bounty hunter and a stuntman.
Do his own stunts. Anyway, goodnight. Bye.
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.