#372 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (10th April 2020)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. It's a podcast about boredom and sleep.

Please only open your eyes when you can close your eyes, when it's safe for you to not open your eyes but to keep your eyes closed. So only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Yeah, I was actually, I was listening to some hypnosis recordings actually.

I don't normally do this but I thought I would just have a little listen for educational sake. Andre, what are you doing? Andre wants to go out for a walk and he's not gonna. Sorry mate, sorry to break it to you but you're not going out for a walk.

And yeah, at the beginning there is the warning of only don't listen to this if whenever you're traveling in a car or whenever you're using machinery and stuff like that. I still think I've got the best one. Only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

It covers everything, doesn't it? It covers every situation. I mean what situation can you do with your eyes closed that could be, that basically is, there isn't anything is there? I mean you can do things with your eyes closed. I'm just, I mean, but not anything that could be dangerous, I suppose, unless you walked around with your eyes closed.

But that would be, I don't think many people would want to do that. So yeah, I think it covers it. Only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

That's probably the best line I ever came up with. Possibly. It might not have even been my line.

I think it's between me and, I forget his name. We were making the CDs back in 2006. And it was a charity for alcohol misuse charity.

And I was doing these group sessions, group hypnosis relaxation sessions. And some of the people were asking, they said, oh, we like listening to you and stuff, but we'd like to listen to you at home as well. I said to one of them, well, I can go home with you.

But then she said, no, that's inappropriate. I said, okay. And I said, well, what can we do? So I just thought, yeah, I'll make some CDs.

So I did a recording, made some CDs with the help of the person that ran the, worked at the charity. And I basically did the recording. I think I edited it and then sent it to him in an email and he transferred it onto a CD.

He made the graphics for the CD. I wish I had a copy, just one copy. Cause it'd be like a little, I don't know, 14 years ago, like my first ever CD.

But we were giving them away, basically just giving them away to that charity and trying to come up with a catchy warning on the back of it to say, oh, don't listen when you're driving a car. Don't listen when you're flying a plane. Don't listen when you're operating a cement mixer.

Don't listen during surgery. It's just all kinds of weird things. Don't listen when you're giving a lecture.

Don't listen when you're arresting someone. Don't listen when you're doing a cavity search. It's kind of like, there's too many options about when not to listen.

And between us, we came up with only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Now I'm not sure if it was me or if it was him or it's just the both of us kind of at the same time. I like to think it was me, but then I like to think, you know, that I invented the internet.

I like to think that a lot of things are me. I think it was me, but it might not have been. I don't care that much about it, but it was kind of a joint venture, you know, as far as really other than me doing the recording, you know, doing the group session, recording on a dictaphone.

Sorry, I always laugh at the word phone. So I recorded it on one of those things, transferred it. I think it was saved as either a WAV or MP3.

And then, you know, my friend at the charity, he did everything else. So, and he made probably about 20 or 30 CDs and they just went really quickly. And I started doing the same thing at the other charity as well, because I started a rehab, a drug rehab charity.

And they basically headhunted me. They heard about me doing it at this charity and they were looking for me to try and find, because they knew I was connected with the Buddhist center. So they came into the evolution shop, which was part of the Buddhist center, asking if they knew where I was or how to contact me.

So I ended up volunteering there, doing pretty much exactly the same thing, but with just a different charity, which was pretty much like around the corner, like 10 minute walk from the other one. And gave CDs out to them as well. But then it got too expensive for the charity to do it, because they were just going really quickly.

It was like constantly. And because it just, you know, it got a little, I suppose, making CDs and all of the process into it. So what I did is, that's when I started putting MP3s onto my website, which is kind of how this all started, really, I would say.

Isn't that interesting? Isn't that interesting? Yes, it's very interesting. So that's where I came up with the Only Listen when you can safely close your eyes. It's the quickest, which is ironic, considering I'm not, I'm not really known for being, not known for like using short sentences.

When I can spend an hour and still have not even got to the point, even after an hour, an hour. So I, yeah, did that. So I had the MP3s, I put it on my website, jasonnewland.com. And I just said to the, so I already had a help, freepaymentrelief.com. And I'd put some, I think I had pain relief MP3s on there for the pain relief, for people to listen to the pain relief.

So I think I'd already done that with that website. So I did, and then I started putting them onto, you know, there was a podcast, a free podcast that was, I think it was actually called freepodcast.com. Brilliant, brilliant podcast host. It was like the main one that everyone was using pretty much.

And they must have just run out of money because they just stopped, stopped doing it. But I was getting loads, loads. I think I had, yeah, January 2018, no, 2018, 2008, January 2008, I had about a hundred thousand downloads of that podcast, which is really good back then.

I was like, wow. And that was, because I remember, because I started university in November, no, not November, in September. And I remember coming into college and showing the stats to one of my college, not my, you know, fellow students.

And I can't believe it. Look, it's how many I've had just since about the last two years, or less than two years. It's like a hundred thousand.

I'd never seen that number before. I was like, well, I'd seen the number, I knew of it, but I didn't, didn't expect to see it associated with something that I was doing. Anyway, so a hundred thousand.

I mean, it's quite good, but you know, it still takes me, it still takes me a month to get that now. So yeah, it doesn't, I do wonder though, I do wonder what's going to be happening. This is 14 years ago I started this.

So in 14 years time, it will be 2034. I'll be 64. Well, at this time, I'll be coming up to 64.

Wow. Will you still be listening? That's the question. Because I'm going to still be doing it.

Scary, isn't it? Can you imagine? It's not actually, it's not scary. I think it's quite exciting, but 64. Who knows what the technology will be by then.

It just, it might just be, I don't know, it'd probably be so easy to put a podcast together. I mean, it's not hard now. It's easier than it used to be.

And the quality is much better than it used to be. But I do wonder as I, oh, what will I find to talk about? Because, I mean, that question comes to me normally. What do I find to talk about? How do I manage to get through an hour? It's usually more than an hour as well, isn't it? It's usually, it's like creeping up to about an hour and a half these days for these recordings.

It was like, how did I find an hour and a half of stuff to talk about when, if I was on a blind date, I would probably struggle with five minutes, never mind an hour and a half. I mean, I'd have a little bit of a problem sitting in a room with someone for an hour and a half. Never mind, you know, so that's weird.

I guess I just need to, I'm just more monologue than dialogue, I guess. Just, I like to just be one voice, just mine, talking at you. Yeah, let me talk at you.

Anyway, it does interest me, I'm thinking, what's going to be happening? So when I was 64, when I'm 64, is it 64 that the date was? Will you still love me? Will you still hate me? When I'm 64, we will swim and sing. When I'm 64, was it 65? When I'm 62, when I'm 63, when I'm 65, when I'm 64, I'm sure it's 64. When I'm 62, no.

When I'm 61, when I'm 60, so it's definitely a 60 something. When I'm 66, no. When I'm 67, no, that's too long.

When I'm 68, when I'm 69, no. When I'm 70, I think it's 64, isn't it? Will you still keep me? Will you still need me? Will you still keep me? Will you still need me? When I'm 64, yeah. So in 14 years time, and you know the weird thing about that, I've been doing this for nearly 30 years.

Wow. Wow. That would be cool.

I wonder what I'll sound like. Now welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newlap. You know, I don't know.

It's no way of knowing, is there? I might have had a sex change. Who knows what's going to happen? I doubt it, but who knows what repressed stuff I've got going on. That might have been the whole thing, my whole issue.

You know, I was actually born something. I think I was born an alien. I was born, some people think, say, well, I think I was born during the wrong period.

During, not period, but during the wrong time period. I think I was just born on the wrong planet. In fact, I think I was born on the right planet, but dropped off.

I think they just didn't like me. And they just thought, oh, either that, or they were flying. You know, my, the mothership was flying overhead, flying over North London.

And maybe they decided that we were playing hide and seek, me and my brothers, or me and the family. And perhaps I was hiding in the wrong place. I was hiding where all the poop, all the poo and wee and stuff is.

And they decided it might as well, they were going over North London. And I thought, well, this must be the place where all the excrements released, which is a bit rude of them, isn't it, really? It's a lovely place. And so they just opened the door and dropped out all the poo and wee.

And I just fell out with it. And then I landed, I don't know, wherever. And someone picked me up and thought, well, he smells of poo, but yeah.

And, you know, sort of took me in and raised me up to be one of their own. They did their best to make me racist, but it didn't work. Just couldn't fit in.

Just couldn't. You know, I tried to be, I tried to be homophobic and I wanted to fit in so much with the rest of the family, but I just couldn't. But the rest of the London kind of, in those times in the seventies, I just couldn't, just didn't fit.

I was like, doesn't really, what are you doing? Oh, guess who's, guess who wants my attention? Guess who wants daddy's attention? Is it little Smelly Balls? Is it little Smelly Ball? Hello? Hello? Who's a little Smelly Ball ball? Smelly Ball bag? Smelly Ball bag? Who's my little baby? Who's the cutest little boy in the whole world apart from me? Is it you? I'll put him near the microphone so you can hear him breathing. It's really weird. Just as I put him in the microphone, he stopped breathing.

He held his breath. It's so, it's such hard work, aren't you? And it's such hard work. No, don't tell me I've got smelly breath.

That's really rude. Stop it. Stop.

The weird thing about it is, you know, like dogs can be really stinky, have smelly breath and stuff. He doesn't, he doesn't have, he's got a smelly bum, but you know, everyone's supposed to have smelly bums, aren't they? But he's, considering he's dirty, he's quite clean at the same time. It's kind of a strange situation.

You know, his ideal situation is, I said the word situation too many times, didn't I? His perfect scenario would be to climb down a drain in the streets, bless you, into the sewers. He would be so happy. Honestly, he'd love it.

All those lovely smells. He'd be so happy. Wouldn't you? Your little runny nose.

What have you got a runny nose for? What have you got a runny nose for? What have you got a runny nose for? I don't know. I think it's running. I think it's just wet from his tongue.

So he keeps licking it, don't you? Keep licking your nose. Surprised your nose don't get all flaky. Flaky? Floaty? Flaky? Flaky.

He just, he just wiggled his nose at me. You know, like Tabitha from Bewitched. I love Tabitha.

When I was a kid, I loved Tabitha. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the entire world. When I was, I don't know, probably about nine, ten, I loved her.

She was just, it's funny. And she could do magic. She could turn a lampshade into an elephant.

I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to date someone like that? And, you know, a lot of the younger generation these days are thinking like Harry Potter and like they invented magic. Nah. Bewitched, mate.

Bewitched. And it wasn't even my era. You know, I was, Bewitched was in the 60s.

I wasn't born till 1970. But they just played reruns in the early 80s on Channel 4 or whenever, wherever it was. And I love Bewitched.

I also fell in love with Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk, who was, I'll tell you about this in a minute. I'll tell you about all the different crushes I've had. And I don't mean people's feet that I've trodden on.

Before I continue, there's a couple of thank yous I'd like to say, a couple of shout outs. The first one is, I want to say thank you to Jennifer for your gift, your PayPal gift. Thank you very much.

And the message we said, thank you for some much needed and timely relaxation. Stay safe. Thank you very much, Jennifer, and you too as well.

I will send you a private message also. I really appreciate it. Because I don't know which podcast you're listening to.

You may be listening to the relaxation for stress one. But thank you very much. Appreciate it very, very much.

What other ones have I got? I got a message today from Ryan. I'll read this out. This was posted on my, you received a new message from your online stores contact form.

It says here, Hello Jason, been listening to your podcast for two months now every night. I just love the ball meter sleep sessions when you're talking about Andre. Keep it up.

You're making lots of people relaxed and helping them on a night. Please give me a shout out on one of your future videos. Take care, Jason and Andre.

That was sent by Jason and Andre. So Ryan, thank you very much. I do appreciate that.

So this is your shout out, Ryan. Shout out to Ryan. Ryan.

Ryan's in the house. Ryan's in the house. Ryan.

You know what? I actually thought that someone was living upstairs in the loft. And the reason for that is because I've been having footprints on the side of my bath. Or they look like footprints.

And occasionally things go missing. Now I know I live in a den of thieves. You know, there's a lot of thieves that live around here.

But I didn't think they had access to actually get into my home. So you know, I do have locks on the doors and stuff. But you know, you never know.

And I thought, and there was something on a TV show where someone was living in a loft. And so I thought, well, those footprints, or whatever they are, have been on the side of my bath every now and then for a few weeks. So I'm figuring if there is someone living in a loft, they might as well just come down and have a cup of coffee.

Because they're no threat to me, are they? Clearly. So they might as well, you know, I want rent. I want them to pay me money.

They can go to the shop and get me some cans of Coke. So yeah, it might be a different way to think about things than others and me do. But that's the way I am.

Just for those of you that love hearing about the stats, I had my first podcast of the, you know, the most recent ones, because I have to point out that the podcasts I've got now, it's only since November 2018. Doesn't mean all the recordings are all new since then, because some of them were, a lot of them were from the past. But this is just a new batch of podcasts.

I've had loads over the years, lots and lots and lots. But I reached a million last week with all the podcasts together. And now one of my podcasts has reached over 200,000.

And another one is about 197,000. Can you hear him in the background? I think he's in the kitchen. Can you hear that? It's right, just, Matt is not doing it in here.

It's very, very loud. Very loud. He's got a lot of energy in him at the moment.

But I, you know, I don't feel guilty for not taking him out as much as he wants to. Firstly, because you're not supposed to be going out very often. And secondly, he's got a good life here.

What the hell he's doing? Sounds like he's moving the fridge. Oh, I know what he's doing. I pushed the door up in the kitchen.

And he's trying to open the door to get the slipper through. But he can't because the door's stuck. He can get through himself.

So all that sound was with the door practically closed in the kitchen. Wow. Yeah, I don't really feel guilty about him taking, not taking him out as much as perhaps I would normally, especially when the weather gets better.

Sometimes I'll take him out two, three times a day if it's nice in the summer and stuff, like once spring gets here. But you know, I'm not allowed to do that at the moment. So I'm just not going to do it.

And he gives me a hard time. He's got so much here. He's, he's living like a little prince.

I mean, the only thing he doesn't have is, he hasn't got another ferret to play with. So, you know, I do sometimes think about maybe getting him another one, like a little baby to see whether or not he'd be a good daddy or not. But it's, it's a risk.

He'll either be a really, really good daddy or he'll eat it. So I'm kind of not sure which way he'll go. I mean, I suppose it's a win-win situation either way, isn't it? I mean, it's not, he's having got to keep them separate.

But he'd, they'd fight very rough. So he might accidentally hurt the other one, not realizing. And he's, his social skills are great.

He takes, he takes after me. Because he sees another animal and he attacks it. He attacks dogs.

Even like a local dog, which is his, basically it's his cousin. He's known this dog for a couple of years and he still goes to bite the dog in the feet or the legs. Constantly sneaking up, trying to have a bite.

And this dog is a big, it's probably about four or five stone dog. You know, it's one human would struggle, well definitely, to sort of keep it under control if it sort of lost its, if it got a little bit carried away. He, oh my God, it's ridiculous.

I mean, to say how strong this dog is, its previous owner was unwell. So my friend took it in and the previous owner came to visit and the dog, all excited, jumped up at her and she, and basically she fell over, broke her hip. It's that strong, it literally pushed you on your bum.

And it's just, I've known a lot of strong dogs and he's probably the strongest I've ever known. Probably the second after the St Bernard or the St Bernard, which you may, if you're in America, you might say St Bernard, but we say St Bernard here. Bernard, Bernard.

Bernard sounds a bit more posher, a bit more, what's your name? My name is Bernard. Oh, were you born into money? Oh, my name's Bernard. Oh, were you born on a council estate? You know, it just sounds a little bit, I'm not mocking people who live on council estates.

I've lived on quite a few myself and I currently live on a council estate. In fact, I was probably, yeah, I was born on a council estate, actually. Yeah, I was born on a council estate.

My nan and grandad lived in council houses their entire life and my dad lived in a council house. Then I moved to Newcastle, lived in a council flat. Then I, when I finally moved out of the children's home, I lived in a council house again, which was my step-mum's mum's.

Then I moved to a council house, another council house, on a council estate, where then we moved away, moved out of there. My nan and grandad moved in there. Then I lived in a private, purchased, mortgaged house for the first time at the age of eight or nine.

I've lived in lots of council places since then as well. So when I was in London, but not when I was before. So really, it wasn't until I hit my 20s that I started living in council places again.

But so there's a gap, but I've lived it and I was born into it and this is going to be where I am. I'm not going anywhere, this is my home. You know, I sometimes think even if I had money, sort of, you know, had a windfall or something like that, in some ways I don't want to move from my home.

You know, there's a few things around about this area that I don't like, but it's my home, isn't it? You know, it's sort of... I think, you know, if suddenly I had £10,000, I think about what improvements I could make to the flat. Soundproofing, get a new carpet, a few kilos of coke. I get some cans of coke.

You know, just a few, it would be, yeah, I don't know, I'm not sure. I mean, if I was rich, if I was sort of a millionaire, would I want to live? I'd like to live somewhere else, but I'd like to live in this flat. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'd like to move my home to a place where I don't drive.

I'm never going to drive, and it's just something I just don't really want to do. And I do see that the huge benefits of being able to drive, but, you know, I can't afford to run a car, although that will change at some point. I have been able to run a, you know, I have had the money in the past to drive.

If I was able to drive, I could have bought a car and driven around, and it would have opened up a lot more holes for me, a lot more holes, doors. Doors are holes, and they were just with a plug. It's a hole with a plug or a cork on a latch, isn't it? It's, you know, on a hinge, just a hole.

You know, a door is a hole, isn't it? It's a hole. Hallway? I'm thinking of hallway and a hole, the gap into the hallway. So, yeah, I quite like to... I'm trying to think of my fantasy.

What would my fantasy be? Well, I can't talk about all my fantasies, but I think my fantasy would be, maybe not now so much, but in the past, it would have been to have lived in the West End of London, near the, probably near Soho, in a really nice flat, or somewhere, yeah, and it'd be very expensive to live there, but somewhere really nice, but at the same time, 10-minute walk from all the amenities, you know, restaurants, clubs, not like disco. Disco? How old am I? Not nightclubs, but maybe casinos and stuff like that, if I was sort of that way inclined. Strip clubs, and maybe, you know, I'd just be somewhere to go, like theater.

Theater, not theater, theater. And I reckon it would be, yeah, that'd suit me, I think, being in a bookshop, and maybe, you know, there's big parks in London as well. So that would be quite cool, because one of the benefits of living in a big city, those of you may agree or not, if you live in a big city, we don't really have much in the way of big cities in England.

You've got London. As far as big cities go, it's the only big city. The other cities are just a heck of a lot smaller.

They're like one-tenth of the size, but they're still pretty big, but not really, if that makes sense. Busy? Because I suppose, really, it doesn't matter how many people live in the city that you're in. It's how many people use the city's facilities, isn't it, I guess.

So I'm sure Liverpool and Manchester and Newcastle are just as busy, or maybe more busier at night than London would be in the sort of the center, the west end of London. So yeah, I suppose just equally, it's just it's not as many people, because in London, it's... Oh, it's biting me! Stop! Ow! Sometimes, Andre, you go too far. Now listen, I'm going to tell you off now.

I'm going to tell you a story. Are you listening? No, I don't know. I don't mean to have a go at you.

But listen, listen. No, I don't need you to look in my eyes, because that doesn't mean anything. Look at me when I'm talking to you.

That's just a silly thing that adults say to kids, and it's meaningless. So... You're listening. You've got no choice.

You're there. Your ears are open. You're listening.

Unless you've got something in your ears to stop the sounds of my voice going into your ears. So whichever direction you're looking, you're listening, aren't you? Yes, you are. Stop it.

Stop sneezing in my face. Now, I would prefer it if you showed a bit more respect when I'm making recordings, because... Stop sneezing! Because, listen, listen. I've been doing this long before you were born, and... What are you doing? What are you doing? Listen, listen.

Listen. Do you want to go on the naughty step? Andre, do you want to go back on the naughty step? No? No. Listen.

Stop. Just listen. What? Look at... Look.

What I need you to do is just to be a bit more gentle, a little bit less bitey, because I know that you can't help yourself when it comes to feet, but listen, listen. Listen. I know you can't help it, but if you continue to do that, I'm going to start biting your feet.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You look so cute right now.

You look so cute. If you was made of chocolate, I would nibble on your nose. He really would.

Yes, he would. He would. He would.

Oh, you want to get off? Okay. Oh, no, you want to sniff there? Okay. What wonderful smells are you getting today? You should be clean.

You hear what he said? He's never clean. That's rude, mate. I sometimes think that he doesn't realize that that's part of me.

He'll have a sniff at part. He's like, what is it? Daddy, what is it? It's me. He's actually trying to get into my trousers.

What are you doing? Can you hear that? He's now licking my fingers and he's probably going to go for a little bite. He's getting off. Okay.

See you then. Bye. Bye-bye.

I can only do that in these recordings. I can't do it in the Deep Sleep Whisperer or the Sleep Weekly or the Relaxation for Stress ones because... Oh, he's now gone into the bathroom. Oh, no, he's gone into the kitchen.

You know what I did earlier? I was having a wash. So I had the blinds down, but the light was on in the kitchen, in the kitchen and the bathroom, because it was dark enough to need the light on. Plus, you know, I was washing parts of me that I can't see very well in the light time.

I need a light on or magnifying glass. So I'm just having a wash. Got the bathroom door closed and he only opens the bathroom door and pushes it wide open.

Now, luckily, I had the curtains drawn in the living room. Otherwise, people could have seen right into there and see my bare bum. And that doesn't need a microphone glass, microwave glass, microscopic glass, microscope, magnifying glass.

That's it. Magnophone glass. What silliness.

So he is a little bit... He did that when I had a visitor that was on the toilet. I mean, I didn't invite her to come around to go to the toilet. But she's human.

She needed to go to the toilet during her visit. I'm not saying it's not the only thing I remember about her. You know, it's just it fits in with the current conversation, the topic.

So I don't want to sort of put it like, you know, she just came around and she went to the toilet and that's my only memory. It's not at all. Just had a real weird smell of balsa wood.

I wonder where that came from. From the laptop. You know what happened? I think it was yesterday.

I was sitting down watching TV or something. And suddenly it sounded like a hornet's nest that just appeared. Really buzzing, like proper real, real buzzing.

And I was looking out the window. I was looking at the bedroom window. I was trying to think, where's it coming from? It was really loud.

It wasn't in the kitchen, the bathroom, wasn't the boiler, thankfully. It was a laptop. Oh, no.

I could really do without a laptop breaking. I can't replace it. No, please.

So I turned it off. And I left it off for a few hours. I thought, that's it.

I'm just gonna let it cool down and just hope for the best. And thankfully, it's been working okay. I was like, wow, what's going on? And I've distracted myself from what I was talking about.

What was I talking about? It must have been important because everything I say is normally quite relevant. And oh, yeah. So I had someone visit her doing a poo.

And Andre, I didn't realize he'd done it. But I came, I come out of the living room. And I see her on the toilet.

Or I don't see her, but I see her, one of the legs, because there's a sort of cupboard in the way. I said, what are you doing? She said, well, I didn't, I suppose it wasn't really what you're doing. I didn't want to know the exact details.

I said, why didn't you close the door? She said, I did. Andre just opened it and pushed it wide open. And now I can't get off the toilet to close it.

So she closed it. She thought she'd closed the door properly. And clearly didn't see the need to lock it, which she wouldn't need to.

Because she did tell me she's going to the toilet. Or she might have asked permission. I think she wrote a letter asking me formally.

And because, you know, consent is very important. So I sort of said, yeah, well, you can this time. But you need to ask again, because I may not want, wish you to do it another time.

So, you know, I've got a few forms printed out. It's my toilet. I have the right to say no.

It's my bathroom. I'm very, very, very, very silly. And it was funny because I thought, look, my initial thought was, she's getting way too comfortable.

You know, just you don't, it's the first time around here. And you don't go to the toilet with the door wide open in the bathroom. And if she wanted to do it, I probably wouldn't.

To be fair, I'd just do whatever she wanted to do. I'm not really that bothered. But I did find it funny.

Because she pulled the door closed. But because the door doesn't have much of a catch on it, Andre can just open it, unless I lock the door. And that's exactly, but he just doesn't just open it, he pushes the thing.

So it opens it, so he gets on his left side, and he scratches to open the door to start with. Then he gets on his feet. And he basically gets onto both his feet.

And he pushes with his hands. So the door opens opens wide. Why? Why does he do it? He does it when I'm in the bath sometimes.

So I'll go in there. I'm having a bath. I've got the light on.

And the blinds are closed in the bathroom. I close the bathroom door. Usually Andre will be asleep at this point.

So I'm safe to do this. I get in the bath. Next thing I know, the bathroom door, well he's scratching at the bathroom door.

And then suddenly this big breeze comes in, where he's opened the door and pushed it wide open. Now, I don't always close the curtains in the living room when I'm in the bathroom. And sometimes I'll have a bath during the day.

Because there's something about having a bath at night and the curtains being there. Because I know that people outside can see the silhouette. I know I've done enough looking into people's bathrooms to know this.

So someone walking a dog across the road can see inside. When I'm standing up in the bath doing what I do, it just doesn't seem fair on them. Which is why generally I try and do it sort of more during the day so people can't see in.

But then the curtains are drawn open in the living room. And I'm thinking, how am I going to dry myself down without being seen? Because someone might be looking from the other side of the building. They could see right into here probably.

Especially if the light's on. So I think he does it on purpose. It's almost like he wants me to be an exhibitionist.

And I know that no matter what happens, no matter what I say, that argument will not hold up in court. But Your Honour, my ferret made me do it. No, it won't hold up.

There are some things you cannot blame your ferret for. And I know that because I've tried quite a few different things. Quite a few different things.

I see yesterday I did, um, what did I do? Did a deep sleep. Or it would have been the day before, but it was just before. It's literally, I think I uploaded it about 5 to 12.

So it's pretty much the same day. But I've shaved my head as well. I had this, I've got this razor and it's awful.

It's really bad. It's an electric razor. It's not very good.

I think it's blunt to be fair. But I've now managed to give myself, um, I look like I'm bald on top, but I've got hair on the sides and at the back. And I haven't been able to go out all day because of that.

Although I went out tonight because I had to get some food and I put a hat on and I even dreamt about it. I dreamt that I went out to buy food and suddenly I realised that I'd forgotten about my hair. And it's just a mess.

It's a real mess. And, uh, so I need to shave the rest of the head to be able to make it look okay again. But you know what? Part of the reason I did it, and I kind of wish I hadn't now, but part of the reason I did it is because I think I shaved my head two months ago.

And it's grown back quite quickly, the hair, not the head. And I was looking at it and I could see my scalp. I was even looking in the bathroom mirror.

I suppose I could have just said mirror. I wouldn't really matter, would it? Specifying the room or the location of the mirror. I don't think it... does it enhance the story? Well, maybe.

So I'm looking in the bathroom mirror and all I'm seeing is scalp. I can see my scalp through my hair. My hair is thinning.

Like, I mean, it's receding at the front. I know that. And it's a very slow process.

It's like listening to me. It's just, it's taking forever, which I'm kind of glad. I don't, you know, don't really... I prefer to have the choice about being bald, you know? Shave it off because I want to, rather than because I have to.

Or just not having any hair. So it's nice to have the choice. And the hair on the back of my head and the sides is really thick.

And it's... there's hardly any grey at all. It's really dark brown. In fact, most of my hair, apart from the front and a little bit of the sides, where there's some greys, it's mainly dark brown.

I'd say I'm probably less than 10% grey. And that's only clumps. A bit of clump at the front and then a few little bits.

In fact, I'd say probably 7% grey, maybe 6%. Maybe 5% actually. And the thing is, grey hair is not going to suit my colouring.

Because I've got a red face. I've got a red head. It's pink.

You know, I'm not white. I'm not black. I'm just pink.

Pinky kind of colour. Which is a bit strange. And I know it's inherited.

I just inherited this. And there's huge amounts I can do about it. I do moisturise and I do... I use, you know, that stuff that you can... pads.

Not sanitary pads. Not toilet wipes. The ones for your face.

But the nice ones like Oil of Yule. They're not cheap. About £3.50 or whatever for 30 things.

But they're full of cream and they cleanse. Some people use it for, I think, for removing makeup. But I try and go for the ones that are just more for just cleaning the skin.

And I use that every morning and every night. So when I first get up, unless I'm going to have a bath straight away or like last night. But I use it at least twice a day to sometimes three times a day if I'm particularly sweaty.

And I... in my mind, I'm thinking that that's helping my skin. And I don't know if it is. I really don't know.

I don't know. But it feels nice. It smells nice.

And every time before I go to bed, I always have a nice clean of my skin with this thing. I have to be a little bit careful, careful, careful with abrasive material because it just leaves me pink. This part of my skin is quite sensitive.

So it's the defoliation, what do they call it? Exfoliation stuff. I've got some in my bath, not in my bath, but, you know, that I use when I have a bath for my face. So I don't use soap.

I haven't used soap since I was a kid. Not on my face, on my balls. Yeah, but... Because you can't get special wipes for your balls, can you? So I don't know why I don't come up with some ball wipes.

It seems like a good thing. A nice, cleanly, ball bag kind of wipe thing. I don't know what they're called, but they're called ball bag wipes, they could be.

But, you know, they've got face wipes, you've got bum wipes, you've got lots of different like cleanliness things, but no ball. Nothing for the balls. I don't know, it just seems a bit unfair, considering there's got to be at least, at least seven, over seven billion balls in the world, you know, if you could have some nice wipes for them.

Yeah. Not sure how the adverts would go. Do you like your ball bag to be nice and shiny? Do you find problems with a sweaty sack? I don't know what it could be, but, you know, it's... I think part of the good thing about washing, being clean, you know, not that I do it that often, but, you know, it's... First of all, I lose weight when I have a bath.

All the dirt that comes off me, I lose about three, four, five pounds. And it's just... I mean, literally, if I want to lose 14 pounds, I can do it in half an hour. I can, I can lose a stone in half an hour.

All I've got to do is have a bath, have a shave, shave my hair off, shave my beard off, and do a poo. And I've lost 14 pounds, at least. It doesn't have to be in that order.

And it doesn't all have to happen in a bath. I'm just saying that, you know, it's basically, it's... I can lose a lot of weight. I can lose a lot of weight.

I actually thought, because I had a punch bag and I had this... I thought I'd lose weight by going on the punch bag. So I weighed myself before, and I went on the punch bag for an hour, and I weighed myself afterwards. And I hadn't lost any weight.

I thought I'd lose a pound or something. And then I went to get... I think I went to the toilet, and there was a puddle of sweat in my underpants. Could not believe it.

It was like a puddle. It was like a little lake. So I emptied that out, and I had lost about three pounds.

I'm not sure if sweaty ball bag is the way to end this recording. I'm not really planning to talk about that. Oh, it's not very Easter-y, is it? I mean, it's now Good... It's Good Friday now.

So what did you do to celebrate the sacrifice of our Lord? I talked about having a sweaty ball bag. I mean, that's not very religious, is it? Oh, you know, that's the one thing I'm missing a little bit this year, is I would normally be having one Easter egg, at least one Easter egg every week for about two months. As soon as the Easter eggs are on the shelves in supermarkets, every week I'd go and buy one for myself for the weekend.

I'm not even going to be able to have one for Easter, unless there's somewhere like locally that sells them. There might be. Ah, there's a farm shop.

There might be some Easter eggs there. It might be worth just buying a nice one, you know, even if it is... Even if it costs more than a pound, because that's normally my limit, I'll spend a pound. If it's more than a pound, I don't really normally get it.

Because for a pound you can get a small Cadbury's Easter egg, and there can be... The ones I go normally for is the chocolate buns Easter egg. It's a tiny little egg, but it's a pound. And that's, you know, you can't really go wrong with that.

It's a pound. And you may think, why do you keep saying it's a pound? Because that's the point of the story. It's a pound.

When I was a kid, this is weird, and I don't know what this was. I think, I'm not sure why, but see, I'm a Buddhist, and I've been a Catholic, and I've been a Christian. I was born probably into Catholicism.

I lived with Catholic nuns. I mean, you know, you kind of got to be a Catholic when you live with Catholic nuns for a few years. Had a church in the garden.

Went to the church every single day, and prayed. And, you know, so I was very indoctrinated into Catholicism for a few years when I was little. And then I got into Christianity myself, personally, when the Gideon Society brought around the Gideon's Bibles and gave everyone one, the Bible says.

And I was just entranced by it. I loved it. I'd already read the Bible, or, you know, the Old Testament, and had a look through it and stuff, because I was given that when I was quite young.

But I definitely would have classed myself as a Christian. I was proper full-on for a while. Really, really into it, like, on a quite an extreme level, actually.

But I was very young. I was about 11 or 12 at the time. 11, probably.

And then, yeah, I think I embraced Buddhism, really. First of all, my first experience was back in, it's a school trip, a school trip. Don't worry, I'm not going to start a rapping.

And I visited various different religious establishments. And one was a Buddhist center in London, the London Buddhist Center, which is in Bethnal Green, I think. So I went there, and I thought, oh, I like this, because I was doing karate at the time.

So I watched a lot of movies, and there was a lot of meditating monks doing Kung Fu. And also, I grew up watching Kung Fu on television, the TV show, and he used to be meditating a lot. So I associated Buddhism with martial arts, because I loved martial arts.

I didn't know anything about Buddhism other than the meditation. I think I just hit the microphone, sorry. And then I got into Buddhism in the early 90s, started buying books and reading and trying to learn to meditate.

And so I was into that for quite a while. I was reading Buddhist books for quite a long time. But I didn't actually go to the first Buddhist center until 2002, November 2002.

And then I got really involved. And the ironic thing, might not be the right word, but the weird thing about it is, I lived in Stratford, which was just up the road from Bethnal Green. All those years, I could have been going to the Buddhist center in London.

So from 89, all the way up to 2001, when I was in London, I had a break in 1990. But I went back again in 91. But if I'd have all those 12 years or whatever, I could have actually been going to the London Buddhist center.

And my life would have been so much different. I didn't know it was there. Genuinely did not know it existed, because there was no internet.

There was no, even when there was internet, I don't remember ever seeing anything about Buddhist center in the late 90s. But by then, I was more interested in Buddhist hypnosis, NLP, and also web design and stuff. So I think my interest in Buddhism was pretty much at a low zero at that point, when I got to the late 90s.

But it would have been, yeah, amazing to think how my life would have been different had I been deeply, sort of got more deeply involved at a much earlier age. Where I was going to with this, when I was a kid, sort of eight, nine, 10, 11, whatever, Easter day, Easter morning, we always used to go or get sent to the church hall, which was up the road, to go to Sunday school for Easter. Never went to Sunday school any other time, which isn't totally true.

I think I did go a little bit. But that was the only time we had to go. And I got told is they'd wanted to be on their own.

The parents wanted to be on their own for the morning. So maybe that was their own time, their only time to have a bit of space, you know. But then we come home and loads of Easter eggs.

I mean, they're so really generous, really, we'd all be buying each other Easter eggs. And because there were so many of us, and how many of us was there? The four brothers, well, me included, so three brothers and me, four, plus grandparents, five, six, plus parents, seven. So I generally have at least probably seven Easter eggs.

I haven't had an Easter egg bought for me. Yeah, probably 30 years. In fact, I don't know, maybe since I left school.

It used to be a really big thing. We used to have like Easter dinner. And you know, it wasn't as big as Christmas, but it was a celebration.

It was a big family thing. And Good Friday, Hot Cross Bun Day. And isn't it ironic? How ironic? Again, probably not the right word.

All year long, I eat tea cakes, and hot cross buns and stuff like that. And today, it's Hot Cross Bun Day. It's Good Friday.

I ain't got no tea cakes. It's just wrong, isn't it? In fact, what I might do is walk up to the shops and see if I can buy some today. Because I don't even want them with a can of Coke.

I want some tea cakes with a cup of tea. Normally I drink them, I don't have them with a cup of tea. But Easter Friday, because even though I'm not really sort of into Christianity or Catholicism anymore, and Jesus was, regardless whether it was a real person or a fictional character, no one really knows, but it was like one of the greatest people that ever lived.

If all that stuff was true. And I don't know, it's partly even though, I suppose it's because it's been indoctrinated into me. It's probably part of my genetics, part of my genes.

And also having been born in this country from a generation of people that were strict Catholics, so acknowledging the advent and acknowledging all these different things. Maybe that's part of me, without me realizing it. I mean, they're the people that I'd quite like to meet.

You know, say, if you had a dinner party, they'd have to be alive, obviously, because it'd be just really smelly. And Gandhi would have to have a wash. And Jesus would have to have a wash as well.

Anyone from those periods would probably be quite smelly, wherever they were born, because the hygiene wasn't great, was it? You know, thousands of years ago, wouldn't have even probably the kings and queens probably stunk. So as long as everyone had a bath, I'd make an attempt. I might wash my feet.

And I would, some people are quite like to have Gandhi, Jesus. I'd like to meet Steve Jobs. Just to sort of get an idea of what he was like.

Elvis Presley, Buddy Holly, Bruce Lee. People that I'm never going to meet. Charles Bukowski, Bob Dylan.

I know he's still alive, but I think I'd quite like to have met him when he was young. Well, I don't know. I don't know.

I just think he was just phenomenal. Just such a brilliant, brilliant musician. Who else? Who else? Princess Diana.

I would love to have met her. Because, yeah, she was, I think in my life, she was the only princess. She was the only real princess, sort of, in my era, you know.

I'm sure there'll be others to come. There's been previous ones. And there are princesses now, but no one, no one can compete but Princess Diana was something special about her.

Yeah, that's how it felt anyway. And then, but then other people would have thought the same probably about Princess Elizabeth before she became queen. I know that Princess Diana wasn't born into the royal family, but it's, I think that's part of being a princess is you marry in, you marry a prince, and you become a princess.

That's part of the fairy tale, isn't it? Not being born a princess. That's not a fairy tale, is to become a princess after being born in a windmill, sewing buttons on plastic bags, or I don't know, whatever. And, yeah, I don't know who else.

Bruce Lee. Yeah, there's probably lots, actually. And it would be interesting to talk to people like Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung and Carl Rogers, definitely Carl Rogers.

And just in some ways, Milton Erickson, of course. Wow. How do I forget him? It'd be interesting to hear what they actually have to say about themselves and what they think about what other people have said about them.

That for me would be quite an interesting thing. It's, yeah, that'd be interesting. Dracula.

He'd be someone I'd quite like to meet. Not meet, but, you know, in a very fictitious situation. Mind you, he'd be all over Princess Diana, wouldn't he? Mind you, she'd probably get a lot of attention from all of them, I reckon, apart from, I don't know.

There was just something glamorous about her. I do understand, I mean, of course, I'm quite a glamorous person myself. But, yeah, some what's different with her.

What other people? Yeah, I don't know. I can't really think. Marilyn Monroe, maybe.

I'd quite like to meet her, to see what she was like. Jane Mansfield, I'd like to meet her. I don't care what she's like, I just want to meet her.

She'd, I think she'd, I liked her singing voice, Jane Mansfield. Very, very good singer. And good set of lungs.

She's got a very powerful voice. Who else? I'll tell you who I really fancy. The young, is it Agneta, I think, from ABBA.

The blonde lady from ABBA, when she was in ABBA, you know. I loved her then. And I still, still love her.

It's weird, because I'm not really normally into blonde women. Well, I'm not hugely fussy, but you can't be, really, can you? There's no point, because ultimately it's a bad person. So, I'll be able to get out.

Ultimately, it's about laughing. Ultimately, it's about personality, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. And, I don't know what other people, there's loads and loads of people I'd like to meet.

But, that's why if I read books about people, but I like what other people said they said, but I want to hear what they said, what they have to say themselves. That's the most interesting thing to me, rather than what someone else's interpretation of them is. Just like with Buddhism, there's so many different interpreters of what he said.

The Buddha said this, and this is why he said this, and this is the meaning of what he said. Let me read what he said. Just his own words.

My brain is capable of coming up with the meanings. I don't need help with that. Thank you very much.

Apart from when I do, then I do need to help with that. But the rest of the time, I don't, except when I do. So, yeah, that's kind of it, really.

It's been emotional. Thank you for listening. And, oh blimey, this has been an hour and a half.

Who'd have thought that would happen? So, remember to be kind to yourself, because you do deserve to be happy. Lots of love. Lots of love and kisses from me and André.

André the ferret. André Dooley Moulin. The stinky, little, pinky, ponky ferret.

And I shall speak to you tomorrow. So, remember to do something kind for yourself. Lots of love.

Bye. Bye.