#385 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (24th April 2020)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland and this is what me bar you to sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Now close your bloody eyes and relax. Fall asleep. Go on, fall asleep.

Just to say thank you to Ali and for your PayPal gift and she'll go towards future expenses for this free show-ish. And what else do I say? What else can I say? Just to let you know that there are other podcasts like I do. So there's let me bore you to sleep.

There's the sleep hypnosis weekly, deep sleep whisper hypnosis and the relaxation hypnosis for stress, anxiety and panic attacks. In fact, in fact, I have, there's also hypnosis for sleeping deeply, which has got all my sleep stuff on. And sleep insomnia hypnosis.

They're two of my most popular podcasts as well. I also have one hour daily hypnosis, 28 days stop smoking hypnosis course, 30 day relaxation plan, seven day cure insomnia hypnosis course, chronic pain relief hypnosis. These are all different podcasts.

Chronic pain Tuesday, daily hypnosis 2018, daily hypnosis course, daily hypnosis course with Jason, deep relaxation whisper, fall asleep counting sheep, which is quite a funny one actually. And the sound effects, fall asleep with Jason, healing words, hypno chats, hypnotic buffet, hypnotic pain relief, in bed with Jason, don't get excited. There's the Jason Newland free hypnosis service, which is kind of the main podcast, but it isn't, you know, as far as not stats wise, but I put all my stuff on there as well.

Live from my bedroom, Jason Newland live from his bedroom. Jason Newland's healing hypnosis, Jason's daily hypnosis, let me bore your pain away. Live relaxation streams, told you there's a lot.

Natural pain relief podcast, reduce your pain, relaxation course, relaxation hypnosis, there's 308 episodes on there. Self help and self development hypnosis, 132 episodes. Short pain relief hypnosis, 10 episodes, short relaxation hypnosis course, 14 episodes.

Sleep Whisper hypnosis, Sleep Hypnosis Whisper, that's 12 there. Sleep hypnosis with music, it's 32 episodes. Stop smoking hypnosis, a couple of podcasts there.

Thinking out quietly, try and stay awake, hypnosis challenge, and webcam pain relief experience. Yay, this is quite a few, I'm sure you agree. Some may say too many.

The thing is, in the past, some people have said to me, Oi JJ, Oi, why don't you just have it all in one podcast? It's going to get lost, isn't it? It's just going to get lost. If I put everything I do on one podcast, there's probably 1700 recordings, if not more. How are people going to find the early stuff? It's just going to be completely lost.

So I've got individual podcasts for each thing. Plus not everybody, some people like to listen to the deep sleep whisper stuff. Some people like to listen to these boring ones.

Some people like the relaxation, stress ones. And some people like all of them, maybe, but everyone's kind of got their particular favorites. So it makes sense to have individual podcasts.

Why don't you have them all together? Did you not just listen to what I said? No, I was busy, I was making a cheese sandwich. And I always put bread in my ears when I do that. Fair enough.

So I, I, I, I, I, beli, beli, beli, I. It's always the bulk, always. Also, the bulk downloads I've got, as well, that you can download up to 50 recordings all in one go, totally free of course, for the main podcasts, Let Me Boyd Asleep, Stress ones, and the Whisper ones. I can't even be bothered to say the entire title of the recording podcast.

It's a mouthful, isn't it? It's an mouthful. You know, some people who talk like that don't actually, they talk grammatically correct. It's an mouthful, not it's a mouthful.

It's an mouthful. No, no one says it. It might be the right way to, how it used to be said, but no more.

I mean, that's how it's supposed to be. Well, how far back are you going to go? Should we go back to Shakespeare's time and start talking like that? No, we shan't. So today is Friday, the 24th of April, 2020.

So welcome to Friday, the 24th of April. Welcome, everybody. Hope you're okay.

Hope you're well. Hope you're fine and dandy. Dandy.

I'm a dandy highwayman, but you're too free to mention. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention. The devil take your stereo when you're with your collection.

The way you look is a frightful way to be moving. Standing looking for your money and your life. Oh, so let me tell you what I got in the post.

I've got this thing in a post, opened it up and I thought, what is this? And at the front of it, it says, have a nice cuppa. So it's a card. So it's got a couple of, not nipples, jewels at the top and at the front.

And I opened it up. P.S. Give Andrea a kiss. So, no, don't want to.

Dear Jason, just a hug. Just a hug in a mug. Enjoy.

Thank you for all you do. From Rachel Elizabeth. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

Oh, thank you. And attached to it, it's a teabag. And I can't actually get the teabag.

That was loud, wasn't it? Now, I'm guessing there's probably a £50 note in there. So I'm going to open it up. It's a teabag.

No one, I can honestly say no one's ever sent me a teabag in the post before. So thank you, Rachel. I think.

Thank you very much. It's very thoughtful of you. Welsh brew.

So do you live in Wales, do you? Hmm. But I genuinely didn't expect that. If you'd have if you'd have given me a thousand guesses as to what was inside that envelope, I might come up with the word card.

Is it card? I might have thought of that. I would have thought up it's a Christmas card before thinking it's a card with a teabag inside. Yeah, I wouldn't have guessed it.

No. Even if I'd have said on a recording, I'd love to have a teabag sent to me in the post. I still wouldn't have guessed that someone would do it.

It would, because I know, because I've spoken to Rachel, I could see her smiling face. A teabag. That's lovely, isn't it? This is such a lovely, lovely thought.

It's very strange. Thank you, Rachel. That's very kind.

It's that did brighten my day up. Which just gives you an idea that perhaps I need to start doing something different with my day. If a teabag brightens your day up, you've got to make changes, don't you? No, it's lovely.

Thank you. Keep going backward and forward. Rude and then being thankful.

Thank you. But a teabag, really? No, thanks. No, I'm really, really grateful.

My teabag. And obviously, Rachel, obviously, I knew, you sent me, obviously, you sent a teabag. Obviously.

Obviously. I had a message from someone telling me that they enjoyed listening. I won't say their name.

And I don't even know if it's a man or a woman, if I'm honest, by the name. I didn't recognize the name. The first name, never seen a name like that before.

Saying that they really liked my whisper recording. Said a few other things and then asked if he or she could do a recording. Well, they said, I would like to do one for you.

And I wasn't really sure what they meant. So I emailed back. I said, what are you on about? What are you talking about? What do you want? What? What? Tell me.

Tell me. And I got a message back saying, yeah, I'll be interested in doing a whisper recording. Maybe you're putting it, do it like a guest and you put it on your podcast.

And I don't know what to do about that. I'm not sure. It's, I don't know.

I could probably do it on YouTube because YouTube doesn't, you know, I imagine that'd be quite cool just to have a guest on YouTube and say, here's the recording. I'd be happy to do that on my actual podcast. I don't know.

What if, let's say it's a lady. Or if it's a man, let's say it's a man or lady. What if people like them more than they like me? Because they're going to be, they're going to have spread over the different podcasts.

Probably about a thousand listeners for that recording spread over the different podcasts. So that's a thousand people. I might lose them all.

They might all go away and say, no, we don't, we don't like that Jason no more. He's ever so common. We like Barbara.

It's not a name, but we like Thomas. And it could be a lady, Thomas, or is that a man's name? We like him better. We're going to go with him.

So yeah, I don't know. I don't know what anyone thinks. I'm not sure.

I mean, I like helping people out if I can. And I mean, there are definitely people on YouTube that I would love to do some kind of collaboration with because they've got way more subscribers and views than I could even dream of. Well, not really dream of, but than I've ever had.

I mean, some people have got more views on their videos than I've had on entire channels, YouTube channels. Now I reached a half a million on my most popular YouTube channel. And some people, that's just like one video with like really popular channels.

I'm talking about hypnosis channels here, but really popular channels on YouTube, half a million, that's like two hours. They'll get that, maybe an hour. It's like, wow.

And I had to work really hard to get the half a million that I got. Took me two years, I think. Two years of really like producing lots of videos and trying to sort of get people to watch and replying to comments.

And I think I've got about 3000 subscribers. Again, it's not a lot for YouTube, but for me, it was a lot. I was getting 45 views a month of my YouTube channel.

It was going up by about at least 10,000 plus a month. So it was just constantly raising. I was getting 10, 20 subscribers every day added.

So it was really growing. Then I deleted it. I dared myself to delete it and I did.

Very silly, very silly thing to do. Extremely silly thing to do. I mean, wow, what a silly thing, really.

And then one of my videos, I had over 100,000 views just on the, what is it? Try and stay awake hypnosis challenge, which has always been my most popular video. And even now, it's my most popular one. My voice is going croaky.

I don't know why. I'll have a little drink. That should do it.

Perhaps I should whisper. I'm thinking about doing a whisper version of this. Let me whisper you to sleep.

Or let me bore you. Let me whisper bore you. Or let me bore you to sleep.

Whisper version. I don't know. Let me whisper you to sleep.

I suppose it could be, couldn't it? I don't know. That's just another podcast. It's like, oh, that's going to be work, extra work.

I try and do three a day. That in itself is quite a challenge at times. I did a relaxation for stress one about an hour or so ago.

And it was about intrusive thoughts. And it was just going to be like a chat, just a chat. I'll do some of those.

Some of those recordings are just chats. Others are relaxation sessions, like hypnosis. Others are exercises and techniques to reduce your anxiety.

So this one was just a chat. And I can't believe it went on for over an hour. Those that listen regularly may think, why does that surprise you, JJ? You can talk absolute nonsense for an hour.

Yeah, no, it's not that. But it's because this is that those recordings are supposed to be serious. Well, you know, serious topics, as opposed to this where I'm just shooting the breeze.

Not quite sure how you shoot breeze, but you know, that's what I'm trying to do, isn't it? Yes, I could maybe do another podcast. So I don't know, what do I do? The person that wants to do a podcast? Can I ask? I could do a guest, couldn't I? But I don't know. I just don't know.

The only thing I have to listen to it before I uploaded it. In case it was in no offense to the person, I don't know who he is. It could be someone just as like doing it for a joke and then mimicking me and sort of, but being rude or something.

So I'd have to listen to it before I allowed it on. Ironically, it's not really the correct word, but I thought about allowing, maybe letting someone do one of these recordings as a guest one. It's like, but now I thought about it, what if they're just more popular than I am? That wouldn't be good, would it? I don't want people to listen to my podcast, listen to someone else.

That would not do my ego any use at all. That would be very uncomfortable for my particular opinion of myself. My alpha theme does not need that kind of knocking.

I don't know. Perhaps I could actually write a book about how to podcast, because I would say I've got enough knowledge on how to podcast. It's not difficult to do anyway, but yeah, I could probably, I'm not going to because I think it's dawned upon me.

It's dawned upon me a few things recently. I don't think I'm ever going to write a book and I wanted to, and I do want to, but at the same time, I don't want to. This is what I enjoy doing.

Just making recordings, uploading them, minimal editing, but I will edit. With these ones, especially, I've got a habit of sometimes the volume goes a little bit too high in parts. So I do my best to edit that out and sort of reduce the volume in some part, like if I'm laughing or something.

With the other podcasts I do, I don't have a problem. The whisper ones are always quiet and the other ones are pretty much okay. But these ones, the thing is, these are longer because sometimes I go on for two hours, two blimmin' hours, which is not ideal in anyone's book.

I mean, that's just ridiculous. Two hours? Why would you do that to us? Two hours? So sometimes I will spend a good 20 minutes editing, going through each bit. If I see a spike in the graph of the audio, I'll listen to it.

If it's a little bit, sometimes if it's a bit too high, it'll be a little bit distorted. So I might have to delete it altogether and then have to make sense of it. So I might have to delete a whole block, which is rare, but occasionally I do have to.

Otherwise, it just won't make sense because as you probably know, very important to me that what I say flows effortlessly and makes sense and all goes together really well. And I don't jar around from one idea to the other. I'm very succinct in these recordings.

I'm very professional, very focused. I'm sure you agree. Yes, very focused.

I'm going to have to get some glasses. I have to go and get my optician sorted because I've noticed the focus on my glasses is, they don't seem as strong as they was. And so I'm not sure I might, I know that I can't really do it at the moment unless I can.

And in that case, I can, but I'm not sure. But I don't really want to do something that's not an emergency. For example, I wouldn't go to the dentist unless I needed to go to the dentist.

I wouldn't just go and have a checkup until this situation's sorted, but we can go out again. But I'm starting to think that my glasses need to be changed. But then that's going to cost money as well.

Because I do get a discount. I get a free optician's test, being on benefits and being, yeah, having that stuff. So I can get a free eye test.

And to be fair, they should pay me money, especially when they blow that air into your eye. Not into your eye, into my eye. Blow it into your eye, I don't expect to get paid.

But if they blow it into my eye, I want financial recuperation. I was going to say renunciation. That's probably not the right word.

And I remember that years ago, I was coming back. I had an eye test when I was working at Church Hills. Funny enough, I was on a hill.

Not Churchill wasn't on a hill, but the opticians was on a hill. Real weird place to have stuff, isn't it, on a hill. You think a hill would be a place that you travel from one place to another.

Not that you're like, I've got an idea. I'm halfway up this hill. Yeah, let's put an optician there.

Why don't we put a pub next to it? Or hairdressers across the road. It's on a hill. It's not supposed to be.

It's not supposed to be having anything there. Anyway, so I was coming down from the opticians, walking down the hill. And I saw the opticians during my lunch break.

And someone that I worked with, or he was in the office, he said, Oi, JJ, what's happened to your eyes? I said, what do you mean? He said, they're all bloodshot. I said, yeah. And I just went in.

I didn't go into one, but I said, yes, opticians. They just puffed that air into my eyeballs, like really, I don't mean like a bicycle pump. But they're just very uncomfortable.

And then I was going back to work, looking at a computer screen for the rest of the day. It's very unnecessary. Although it kind of is necessary.

Apparently, because I've got, my dad's got one, what my nan had, which is micropenis, macrodegenerative, macrodegeneration, macrodegenerative disease, or whatever, of the eye. And my nan had it, and my dad's got it. And so it's hereditary.

I think my aunt's got it as well. And my uncle might have. And I think I might have the beginnings of it, because my eyesight is deteriorated.

And I was thinking about this when I was walking onto it the other day. I was walking not far from the train station, but it's not a real train station yet. But there's a bridge that's being built, as apparently 250 grand to build a bridge.

Admittedly, the person that told me that is a fanaticist. And he went to prison about three times for being a fanaticist stuff. He did, he went to prison for, this is what we used to call him, pants.

He lived across the road from me. And he went to prison for wasting police time during a huge police investigation. It's one of the biggest police investigations of this country in the last probably 10 years, 20 years.

Massive, huge, huge. And he went to prison for that. Another time, I think he told the police that there was poison in milk in the supermarket.

So he went to prison for that as well. And I think he had a, I'm sure he had an invention where he was trying to turn dog poo into milk. But I don't know, I might have made that bit up.

Anyway, he told me that the bridge was 250,000 pound to build. How he would know that? I mean, did he build it himself? Was he an accountant? I don't know. It's a nice bridge.

It's not made of Lego. It's a proper nice bridge. It's something that Fraggle Rock would be very proud of.

And the Fraggles wouldn't be too happy because they'd break their teeth on it. You know, that must be so annoying. Imagine going to work every day, putting your little helmet on, walking around banging your helmet on bits, bits of metal and ouch, ouch, ouch.

And you're walking around and you're building something really nice, you know, a nice little bridge or house. And then a Fraggle comes along and starts eating it. And you go and complain to the boss.

And all you hear is, that's what Fraggles do. They're allowed to do that. And he said, no, but we've been building this all day and the Fraggles just come and eat.

I said, they're allowed to do it. No, but the trash heap has spoken. Okay, fair enough.

Really cut you down to size. The trash heap has spoken. That's it.

There is no more arguing. No more conversation. No.

That's it. The law is that the trash heap has spoken. The last word, is that what you're saying? Stop touching me on me.

Get off it. I used to work on a building site. I did.

I loved, I don't know what it was. I just loved just, because it's sunny. I love just walking around, just stroking my helmet.

There's something about that. It was like, because it was white and it had this ridge on it. A little bit, I imagine, like a cling on, like forehead.

And, but it's quite, it was tight, but it was a weird thing about it is, it had all this plastic underneath. So the actual helmet was, the, was nowhere near your head, which I suppose is kind of the point, isn't it? If it was snugly tucked against your head, it possibly wouldn't be as protective as it is supposed to be. You know, I was actually a security guard on that job.

It was the, what was it? The Royal Opera House in Covent Garden. They were building a new opera house next to the old one. And it was like half a million pounds or something.

At least that's what Pence said. Pence said it was half a million. It was weird, because I didn't even know him then.

And I, there was this weird, there's this bloke, and he kept telling jokes. But it was just, for some reason, he kept calling me Mr. P.D. File. Mr. P.D. File.

And I just, I was a security, there was a couple of security guards there. We were just there, just basically for insurance purposes, really. And it was annoying.

This bloke was annoying. Eventually, I said to the guy, I said, shut it. And he really shut up.

He was like, oh, it's got annoying. Like, just, you know, people just keep repeating the same thing over and over again. Yes, Jason, we know.

We hear you do it every day. No, I mean, outside of this kind of situation. You know, if every time you see someone and they say, oh, you get you, oh, here's another one.

If you have your hair cut and you go into work or school, you get attacked by a lawnmower. And then they do it continuously throughout the day. And then the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day.

And eventually, you have no choice but to attack them with a lawnmower. You know, it's, what other choices are there? Did you get attacked by a lawnmower? Well, no, if I got attacked by a lawnmower, I'd have cuts all over my face and my head. I'd probably be in hospital, to be fair.

And I wouldn't have an even cut, would I? Wouldn't be styled. They don't like hearing that. No, it's a joke.

If you've been attacked by a lawnmower. Did I say hairdryer or lawnmower? Lawnmower. If I said hairdryer, then none of this has made sense.

You're attacked by a hairdryer, lawnmower. Oh my goodness, did I say hairdryer at the beginning? If I did, I didn't mean to. I'm never going to know if I did, because I'm not going to listen back.

So if I said hairdryer, you're probably thinking, what is he going on about? Why would he be attacked by a hairdryer? And how would that affect his hair, other than making it more fluffy? When I was 18, I went through a period, right? Not even joking here. I went through a period when I was working in... I had my canvassing job, double glazing. I only had to work for three hours a day.

So four to seven, something like that. I got picked up. I think I get picked up at about half three.

And then we'd go wherever we were going in the car. So if we were going further away, we'd start a bit earlier. The traveling distance, or we might get home a little bit later.

But we'd be spending three hours doing the job. And I would get up at my breakfast at about midday, have a bath or a shower, depending on whether or not I had a bath or a shower. I don't remember.

I think I might have been in a shower there. And then I spent probably about an hour doing my hair. Honestly, because I'd washed my hair, the hour didn't start until I got back to the bedroom.

And I used foam, more foam, more foam, more foam, trying to get my hair to go back. And then I'd use gel afterwards. And I swear, I probably, I had the fluffiest hair in history.

I mean, it was fluffy. It was. And someone actually, I was knocking on someone's door, and they said, they offered, made me an offer.

I said, what? They said, if you let me cut off all your hair, I'll pay you £20. I said, what do you want my hair for? He said, I want it for my pillow, to put inside my pillow. It just looks so soft and cozy.

I would like to say that was the easiest £20 I ever made, but it definitely wasn't the quickest. I had some man chase me with an axe once. I knocked on his door, again, just like I did with everyone else.

You want some double glazing? My name's Jason, and I'm from the double glazing company. Do you need any double glazing done? Windows, doors, conservatories? And most people said no. That's the numbers game.

Always a numbers game, remember, and majority of people will say no. And I think the idea is to welcome each no, because the more no's you get, the closer you get to a yes. But this bloke really got the hump with me.

He starts having a go at me. He said, oh, you keep, people keep knocking on my door. I said, no, it's the first time I've knocked on your door.

He said, no, not you, but other people. I said, but I'm not responsible for them. I'm just me.

I can't be held responsible for other people's actions. Because I didn't know how to say actions. I used to say actions.

He said, what did you say? What do you mean, actions? I said, actions. Behaviours, things. I'm not responsible for other people's actions.

He said, that's weird. I said, don't judge me. Don't judge me.

I do try to be the best person I can. I put a lot of effort into it. He said, what? I said, effort.

Do you mean effort? No, effort. He said, this is doing me a din. Oh, do me nutting, mate.

Do me nut right in. I said, do you want any double glazing or not? Not it. I didn't say that.

I said, do you need any double glazing? Not it. And he said, I said, get out of my garden. I said, maybe.

I'll go when I'm ready. And he started shouting and I started laughing. The more he shouted, the more I laughed.

I just naturally found it hilarious because he was getting angry. And I didn't really see a reason for him to be angry because I looked down, made sure, yeah, everything was in my pants. There was no reason for him to be angry.

He really just lost it for some reason. And he went inside and he came out of an axe. And he started chasing me with an axe around the garden.

And I was just laughing at him. And then I just got out of the garden. I jumped over the fence and I was laughing, just mocking him.

And what was he going to do with it? The only way someone with an axe can do anything is if you let them get close to you or they know how to chuck an axe. Then you're in trouble. I just trusted he didn't.

As far as getting close to me, he wasn't going to get close enough to get that axe anywhere near me. No, no, no, no. But it was ridiculous.

Stop it. I was saying to him, put the axe down. The weird thing about it is if I'd have called the police, he'd have gone to prison.

I didn't even think about that. I didn't realize you weren't allowed to chase people in the street with an axe. I didn't know it was a legal thing.

You're not allowed. I mean, I was threatened when I was a kid. Both my older brothers, when I was born, I had two older brothers.

They're both older than me. Two brothers. And we were on a field.

This was in Newcastle. We were running around in a field and a farmer came along and started threatening us saying, get off more, get off more for you. And there's chances we might have been rude to him, laughed at him or something.

And he had a shotgun. He pointed it at us. Now, he should have gone to prison for a long, long, long, long time for that.

We were young children. I mean, I was probably five. My oldest brother was nine.

We were way too old to be, you shouldn't get a gun pointed at you at two, at least 11. I mean, come on. There's got to be some rules.

There's got to be some kind of etiquette towards pointing shotguns at children, surely. There's got to be a few rules to follow. The thing is, it wasn't scary, really.

Because we really weren't scared of anything back then. I think it was probably, go on then. Go on then, mate, go on.

You can only get one of us. Which is ridiculous, because you can get three with a shotgun. You can like spray people, can't you, with those things.

Anyway, we had someone come along. I don't know if it, I think it was someone from the children's home that came along. And he said, oh, it's okay.

I know these kids. They're okay. Can you put your gun away, please? And he did.

And he sort of took us all back to the home. What a stupid man. Not the one helping us, but the, it's some kind of backward thinking.

I'm a farmer. I should be able to have a gun and point it at people. No, no offense to people that have guns in other countries, but you're stupid.

No, in this country, we don't have guns, because we're civilized. And we don't, but farmers are allowed to have guns. I think it's less, less so than before.

In the old days, it's like everyone, all the farmers. I've actually got a friend who got shot by a farmer. And I mean, all he was trying to do is steal the farmer's tractor.

I mean, he should be able to steal property from someone without getting shot. I mean, come on. But he got shot really badly, damaged the head.

Half of his body kind of doesn't work because of it. So he survived. He's lucky to survive.

But I don't think the farmer even got in trouble. I suppose. I don't know.

I mix feelings for that one. Not for my friend, because I wouldn't want him to get hurt. But I think if someone, if I had a car and someone was stealing my car, I'd quite like to be able to shoot them.

But then if someone's taking too long in a supermarket queue, I'd quite like to shoot them as well. So I'm not sure a gun would be the right thing for me. Yeah, I'm not sure I've got the right temperament.

I mean, yesterday, I probably would have shot three people just on the journey to the shopping bag. Just get annoyed by some people. So I think to people in, apart from those in the forces and stuff, in this country, my country, guns aren't really real, apart from gangsters, you know.

And the average person has never seen a gun or touched a gun. It's just seen in movies on American television and TV shows and stuff. And it's just, it's almost a fantasy rather than reality, even though it is reality in a lot of other places.

And I think we're quite lucky in some ways. But if guns were allowed, and I was allowed to have one, I would, I'd be stacked right up. I'd have holsters, holsters at the side, two, one each one, maybe two guns in each holster.

I'd have a gun in my pocket, in my left side pocket. I'd have a in my socks. And I probably have a couple of little ones inside me sleeves, you know, like in the movies.

Maverick, was it Maverick? They used to do that. And I probably have a watch, like a swing watch that also had a little gun in it. And put the guns in the end of my feet, not feet, my actual feet, I wouldn't have surgery to have, I mean, that would be weird.

But shoes, big spiky shoes with guns. And mind you, you'd have to be a little bit careful because imagine if they were temperamental, you know, step a little bit wrong, stand on a pebble when it goes off. I could ruin a date, couldn't it? So I'm trying to think what other things, maybe a rifle on my back.

And I'd rather end in a tank. So yeah, I wouldn't overdo it. Because I'm, you know, I'm very, I'm a man of, of calmness.

But I think it's good to be prepared. Good to be prepared. Yeah.

So yeah, I have. Because you know, no one's gonna, no one's gonna mess with you, are they? Apart from those that do. Imagine someone coming up to you and saying, give me your watch, give me your, okay, before I give you my watch, which gun do you want me to use? I used to be a fast drawer when I was a kid.

Admittedly, it was stick, stick figures. That's my fast drawing joke. Now I used to have holsters with guns in.

Hear that car? Every morning, six o'clock in the morning. I mean, let's face it, can't be earning much there. Can't fix that car.

Sounds, a hippopotamus farting. That's what it sounds like as it sort of goes past. It's really just letting off a lot of really bad gas.

I'm not one to complain, of course. I forget what I was saying. Distracted by that horrible sounding car.

Shouldn't be allowed. The good thing about it is they won't be allowed, will they? In, what is it, five years time, six years time, all petrol cars will be banned. What is it, 10 years time, but anyway, I'll be good.

Cars will be a lot quieter. I wonder if we'll be able to ban vans. Suppose you won't, but, you know, vans are needed, aren't they? Find a way of getting vans driven by artificial intelligence as opposed to no intelligence.

Oh, that was harsh. How judgmental. I want to get a white van one day so I can just switch my brain off and go to work.

I'm driving a van. I own the road. The road laws don't apply to me because I'm driving a van.

I'm blocking everyone's vision. People in cars can't see ahead of me, so I've got control. I can park anywhere I want and not only do I block the traffic and buses, I also get in the way of pedestrians because they can't see around me to see whether or not it's safe to cross.

It's a win-win. They're handy though because they do deliver things, which is what they're for, isn't it? All but the vans. Yeah, I think if I had superhuman strength, I would crush up a few vans.

I don't know, maybe not. Maybe there's no point in doing that. I don't know.

It just sounded like a really good idea and when I said it out loud, it was very much, yeah, it's a bit like when I sent my last girlfriend a text saying, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship and then pressed send and then I thought, what have I just done that for? I actually really like her. Oh, that was a silly thing to do, but my hair was so fluffy though. So fluffy, it just blew in the wind.

I mean, to be fair, it was so fluffy, even when there's no wind, it still wobbled around just on its own. It's almost like the Medusa, but without, well, there's nothing like the Medusa at all. Yeah, absolutely nothing like it.

There's no similarity at all. Why? What's the problem? Why do you keep undergoing me? Stop challenging me on everything. I'm doing my best, man.

I'm doing my best. Give me a break. Stop hassling me.

Stop it. So yeah, no, things are good. Things are good.

Started, I don't think I'm ever going to write a book. It seems a shame because throughout all this muck, there was a bit of gold, you know, in the recordings. There's a bit of good stuff mixed in with a lot of bleh.

There's a bit of, you know, maybe not in these recordings, but in some of the other stuff, possibly. I mean, out of 1700 recordings, maybe 1800 now, I don't know, there's gotta be a few pages of a book in there. There must be.

Thousands of hours of me talking. There's gotta be something, but I can't do it. I can't face doing it.

I tried to do it again today, and I just can't. I can't listen to myself. I mean, I'm sure you understand.

Anyone listening to me, you've got to be able to relate to that. Listening to me, I can't do it. I can't listen back to myself.

So I'm going to get rid of that dictation app on my phone. There's no point. Otherwise, I'm just writing a book from scratch, just talking into the dictation thing, or transcription, when I've got all this material that I could be using.

But the only way I can use it is if I can transcribe it and then scan through it, you know, scan through the written page. So I can say, oh, that's good. I like that.

I like that. I like that. And then organize it into categories like, okay, this is about when I had a goldfish.

And this is when I was a basketball player. And, you know, just differences when I was a nurse, different things. This is when I had a penis.

And, you know, just different things. And I can organize, and then maybe then convert it into something. But I just don't, I don't think it's going to happen.

I just don't think it's going to happen. So plus my laptop's now breaking, keeps shutting down, keeps freezing on me. Which means I'm not going to be able to edit.

I have to find another way of editing the recordings. There are other ways of doing it. I'm just gonna have to figure it out.

And I can probably do it on a tablet. I must be able to. I'm so used to doing it on the laptop, using that software that I've been using for years and years and years.

To have to learn a new way of doing it is going to be mildly, mildly inconvenient. Yeah, it'll be okay. I'll find my way around it.

I'm also looking to, maybe not right now, but in the future, make some decent videos for YouTube to put with the audio. Because I know that I'll get more views if it's a nice audio, nice visual. So maybe it could just be a spinning wheel or some kind of nice animation.

I've done a few little bits. I do have, I have made some videos with the video software that I've got that look quite good. It's a nice introduction and stuff.

But they, those ones are with me talking on them, like actually on the camera. So what I need is something that is constantly moving, a bit like a screensaver, but it's constantly moving. An animation, whether it's a, I don't know, something, but something that's unique for me or unique to me, you know, to my recordings.

So I'm going to look into that in the next couple of months and see what I can do. Because although making a recording, the pigeon's back, I'm going to go before the pigeon is actually trying to get into the kitchen now. All right, I'm going to go.

Take care of yourselves. Bye bye.