#398 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (14th May 2020)

Welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Please only listen and you can safely close your eyes.

And the main point of this podcast is... isn't really a point to it other than to just bore you into like a little a lullaby sleepiness. So I just basically talk about stuff that's of no interest, not even to the fly on the wall. If there was a fly on the wall.

What have I got against flies today? I don't know. Anyway, it's just that. It's just me just talking for about an hour, about an hour.

Sometimes longer. And that's it. So please get yourself nice and comfortable.

I was thinking maybe I should do a relaxation session. Like a proper sleep session. Hmm.

All right. Get yourself all relaxed and calm. And your eyelids are happy.

Happy, happy, happy. Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And you're feeling sleepy.

Going down an escalator. And you're feeling deeper now. You're falling asleep now.

Now you're asleep. See, that's one technique. That wouldn't work, perhaps.

Now, I know some people do really quick hypnosis, especially like stage hypnosis. And on YouTube, there's a lot of videos with people doing hypnosis on the beach, with people on a public street, I guess. It's normally called street hypnosis, but this would be beach hypnosis, I guess.

And they talk like a million miles an hour. Sleep. It's like, I just can't talk that quickly.

I think maybe I talk like I'm just learning the language. Like I'm really being careful to pronounce the words correctly. I don't know.

Andre's a bit restless because he wants to go out for a walk. But I can't be bothered. Although it is, it's still light enough.

But I'm actually recording this early. And I'm going to release it at 12 o'clock am. So it's very rare that this happens, but I'm recording it a few hours before it's due to be released.

Normally I record... Really, Andre? Is that necessary? I might actually make a little video with my phone of what he's doing while I'm doing this recording. Oh no, he's stopped doing it now. Come on, you want to get up and give me a cuddle? Come on then, you want to get up? Come on then.

I'm putting my hand out and he's putting his hands on my legs to get up. I put my hand out and he's just backing up. So I've got to pick him up and he's just backing up even further.

So basically what I think he's trying to do is getting me to stand up. Maybe his logic is, well, once daddy stands up, he'll just think, well, now I'm standing, I might as well go out for a walk. No, no, Andre, that's not how it works.

So I'll be listening to a new recording today. It's called It's Not About The Money by Bob Proctor. And it's good.

I don't know how... I've got four hours and 56 minutes left. I don't know how long the whole thing is, because it would mean adding up the chapters, which I can't be bothered. Yeah, it's good.

It's a good audio recording. They're the kind of stuff I like. It is.

Let's have a look. What have I got on here? So this week so far, I've listened to Think and Grow Rich, the original recording, the original thing narrated by Napoleon Hill himself. The magic of thinking big and it's not about money.

And last week, I listened to The Ultimate Jim Rohn Library. So I've also got Susan Jeffers Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway. I've got another one.

I don't know what this is called. Breasts Unbound by Florence Williams. I've got no idea what it is, but I'm not able to download it.

So it must have been one that I got in the past, but never actually listened to it. Why would I blindly fill that kind of title in? Unbound. I've always had a thing about unbounds.

It's one of my favourite things, unbounds. I've got another one. Reality is Plastic, the Art of Impromptu Hypnosis by Anthony Jacquene.

I haven't listened to that for a while. The Practitioner's Guide to Mirroring Hands by Richard Hill and Ernest O. Rossi, narrated by Richard Hill. And that's Ernest O. Rossi is a hypnotherapist.

Very famous one, actually. What other one? My Voice Will Go With You. I think I mentioned this recently.

My Voice Will Go With You and The Uncommon Therapy. Two books about, what's his name? Milton Erickson. I did have some therapy, other therapy books on here.

So I'm going to have to, they might be on my other phone. Because what it does with Audible, if you download it onto your phone and then you swap it, it still stays on your phone. Just doesn't stay, stays on the device, doesn't stay on the cloud.

So I had them on my old phone. So I've got other recordings. I've probably got another five, maybe 10 recordings on the other phone.

I have to look at that. But I don't think there's any way of downloading them or copying them or anything. Mind you, most of these recordings, you can get on YouTube.

You can download it off of YouTube. So there's no adverts and then just convert it into an audio. And I suppose just put it onto my phone.

But I don't know, something about that I don't really, doesn't really feel right. I quite like the, I like hearing it professionally, because this is the professional version. It's not someone's copied version and spliced and... Really? Why is he doing that? He's scratching at the carpet.

He never does that. Unless the door's closed. He's really winding me up.

He's doing it on purpose. He is. Now he's in the kitchen, rummaging around.

Now he's scratching at the carpet at the bathroom door. What's wrong with him? He just loves being outside so much. Especially in the evening, when it's cooler.

Not when it's too cold, though, because I took him out the other day and he came in within 30 seconds because it was too cold. He's a little baby. He really is.

That's after hassling me for about four hours to take him out. And he just waits. Every time I move, he jumps up.

And I got to tap my foot on the floor and he suddenly, he runs out of his little bedding bit. Like, look, what's going on? Where are you? Last night, I went to the garage with my neighbor. And we just, of course, we kept that distance, like we're supposed to.

But we are allowed to be outside together. And he's got a dog and I've got Andre. And Andre was just loving it.

We stayed in the park for probably about 20 minutes. Just lovely. It was so calm.

This is about 11, half 11, something like that. It was calm. It was quiet.

There was zero traffic on the road, which is unusual because there's usually a fair few lorries still, even though it's quiet. Very few, well, the car traffic has increased over the last few weeks to what it was. And, but I, you know, I don't go out very much during the day.

Although I do need to go out tomorrow. I need to collect my prescription. My sodium, but it's Depakote, but it's not, it's sodium valproate.

My friend knows how to pronounce it, but I don't. Valproate, is it? Yeah, it's valproate, isn't it? Valproate. I used to call it Depakote.

I remember when I moved in here and me and my friend were just comparing medication, really. And I said, yeah, and I'll take Depakote. He said, he said, what? I said, Depakote.

He said, do you mean Depakote? I said, no, it's Depakote. He said, I take Depakote. I don't take Depakote.

Why are you, why are you pronouncing it Depakote? I don't know, I just thought that was how it was pronounced. Depakote. Come on then, baby.

I can give you a cuddle. You want a cuddle? And he's backing off again. Oh, he's winding me up.

I think it's times like this that he needs a mum. He's got me, but he needs someone else sometimes to sort of get their attention and then they could take him out for a walk and whatever, you know, maybe not late at night, and quite old fashioned by that. And women should be in by eight.

No, I was, I wouldn't, you know, I'm joking, I'm protective. I wouldn't have someone walking out. So I wouldn't have my child walking out late at night.

But he would, he'd love to be out there late at night. But it'd be nice to have someone to come and just take him out, just for a nice long walk, and I can just get on with, or take him into another room and like play with him and have his attention in there while I make some recordings. Although that might not be very interesting for the other person.

Might just got to be more interested in watching me do this. Yeah, I don't know if this flat's big enough for more than one person. I'm not sure how do people manage to live in a one bedroom flat, a one bedroom apartment, where you've only got, it's only two rooms plus a kitchen and a bathroom.

How, it's a bit too on top of each other, isn't it, I think. I think I'd need a mansion. Yeah, I think I'd need a mansion if I was living with someone.

I actually had a girlfriend once, I did, honest. And she bought a new house and we were going to be living there. And I was basically just looking, I mean, she had, I don't know how many bedrooms, I think it was two bedrooms.

Maybe it was three bedrooms. I think it was two bedrooms. But it had a living room and another living room, it's basically, or a dining room.

So there's two rooms on the bottom floor, plus a kitchen and big garden and thing. It's a lovely place. And you don't stay there, stay there a couple of times.

But I remember going in there thinking, okay, so which room can I have as mine? I actually went in there and I remember thinking if I do move in there, that can be my bedroom. And she can have one of the living rooms for her television stuff and I can have the other one for my library and for my, you know. And she said, no, we're supposed to be sharing this.

I said, and we went to the kitchen. I said, for which cupboards are going to be yours for your food and I'll have cupboards for my food. No, we're sharing.

I don't understand. What do you mean we're sharing? I don't get it. Anyway, it's never happened in the end because she phoned me up and, oh yeah, this is what happened.

I was going out with my friends from college because I used to do a massage course back in 2003, was it? Yeah, 2003. So I did this holistic course, which is massage, reflexology, Indian head massage, and aromatherapy as well as anatomy as well. You can't be an anatomy therapist.

It's just part of the course. Yes, I'd like to, I'd like some anatomy, please. How much for an hour's worth of anatomy? Anyway, I went there.

I was the only man in the course, on the course. And the reason I joined that course is because I've been really, really having a hard time with the stress and stuff. So I thought, I'll try and learn relaxing techniques.

And I thought, would I like to be a masseur? I didn't know. Very hard work, physically, very demanding. Doesn't look it, but if you've ever done it, it might be different if you're a partner and you're not perhaps, it's not really like a massage, if you know what I mean.

But if it's a professional, and it wasn't just that, because if you were a partner, you could basically do it with your top off, couldn't you? And with not much on. But you can't do that with a proper professional client. Apparently, that's what I was told.

Put your clothes back on, please, Jason. I want to tell you again. So I had this white top, which was tight, and I'd be stretching, like stretching over the body, especially the back, going from one side of the back, and pulling, not kneading or whatever.

I forget what the name of it is. And then, so it's a lot of stretching, a lot of pulling, a lot of pushing, and I was sweating, honestly, really proper workout. And the hardest one was, I did it with a bodybuilder.

Well, yeah, it's pretty much a bodybuilder, and he was huge. So for him, he was like, you can push harder. I'm like, I don't know if I can.

Well, my fingers are breaking. So I was trying to sort of really sort of give in, because I had to practice on people. And I got a bunch of people at the YMCA, like the staff, people that worked in the gym, a couple of women that worked in the receptionist, and also some friends, people I worked with, had work, yeah, people I knew at the Buddhist center, you know, things like that.

So I had quite a few people. And as well as practicing on other, the other members of the course, you know, the other, let's say colleagues, but students. I was just so, honestly, I was sweating, really hard work.

And I'm going to keep mentioning about how hard of work it was until I remember why I'm mentioning it. I was so, I did remember once I was just doing it for so long, and I looked and my fingers were gone. I just had just been worn away into a nub.

I don't know, what was I talking about it for? Yeah, I don't think it would have been a good, brilliant job for someone young. I wasn't old, but I was 32. Or maybe I've just turned 33 at the time.

So if I'd have been in my early 20s, it probably would have been the best damn job in the world. If I'd have managed to get a job on a cruise ship, massaging people, doing Swedish massage, you know, all day, I'd have had the fitness and the energy to do it. Plus, I would have been traveling the world and meeting people and, you know, who knows? It might be, you know, really a lot of fun.

I didn't have any of that kind of interest when I was in my 20s. I didn't even know that was an option, really. Anything to do with education, I didn't, unless it came out of a book.

That's where all my education came from, was just reading books and watching telly. That was kind of it. In my early 20s, there's no internet.

I didn't... Actually, that's not entirely true. I did attempt to go to college on three different occasions. Yeah, I did a college course.

Because I'd been employed for a while, I did a college course for computer, become computer literate. Because at the time, I really wasn't. I didn't know how to use Word or, you know, that kind of stuff.

So I learned how to do that. And so that was quite good. But it was within walking distance of where I lived.

And so nowadays, there's so much red tape. Then it was a case of just turning up. Like, yeah, it was a college, you know.

It was during the summer as well. So it was like, I guess it was an actual college, college, but there was no one there other than us. Of course, that might not be true.

But I went there and I liked it. I also started twice, I started an access course, which was going to lead me to be able to go and do a degree in psychology. Because I had no qualifications.

An access course was the only route, or route, if you pronounce it incorrectly. And I, how many times did I start that? I feel quite nostalgic about this. I did it.

So I was in East London. I'm pretty sure I did it at two different places. I did one at an evening, an evening course, which was in East London somewhere.

I can't remember, I think it might be in Stratford. And I did another one, another course, both of which I didn't actually continue. I just stopped doing them.

And it was free. It didn't cost me anything. Nowadays, it would cost quite a bit of money.

And part of these access courses is there was English, there was maths, there was also various different subjects just to get, would last for a year, I think. But also there was counselling. As I, you know what I mean? That really interested me.

And it turned out, and this was the second course that I did, the person that was there, who was the tutor, was actually a published author. And he wrote quite a few books. So it's like, I've been really, didn't realise how lucky I was to have someone that was, that kind of really knew his stuff.

I know being a published author doesn't mean that you don't necessarily know your stuff, but in them days, you couldn't really self-publish. I suppose you could, but it'd be very complicated and very, very expensive. You know, cocaine, it was before the internet.

But, you know, I could publish 100 books a year. Doesn't mean that I'm any good at anything. It just means I can afford to do it, if I could afford to do that.

But I kind of decided I'm not going to publish, I'm not going to write a book. I just can't, I can't be bothered. I got all set up earlier.

I was listening to a recording on my TV, like a podcast episode of, I think it was the very first episode of the Stress, Relaxation for Stress. So I was listening to that and I was ready to type in some just stuff that sounded good, you know, not one liners, but like, I guess, a line of something that's useful, an interesting snippet, some kind of useful, something useful. And I listened for about 10 minutes.

I just had to turn it off. I couldn't, I'm bored and threshold just, I can't, I just, it's a shame really. I think I'm going to have to wait till the technology's there when a podcast, a really reasonable rate, so it's not expensive or even free, I don't know, but it can be transcribed and then perfectly transcribed and transcribed and in sentences and organized.

So all I need to do is go through it, cut and paste, highlight, cut and paste, you know, and then to sort of put things into categories and then sort of write a book from there. But yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, after all the hundreds of hours of talking, there must be something.

I must've said something, surely. Must've done. So the first course, I think the second course was at West End College, or was it East End College, maybe East End College, which was down the Romford Road, I do believe.

The other, yeah, the computer course was the other side of the Romford Road, way, way, way, way down and through a different area. The evening one that I did a few, yeah, like a few years earlier or a couple of years earlier, I did, the fire alarm went off when I was in there, it was in the evening. The fire alarm went off and we were all just told to get out, get out, which I did.

We all did. And that was it. And kind of just, they said, I might as well go home.

And I didn't go back. But what was weird, not weird, but we did this kind of an English lesson, maybe creative writing or something like that. And the teacher said, or the tutor said, can you write something that's happened in your life, write a short story about something that's happened, an event.

And I did mine. It was a story about waiting on a train station, waiting on a train platform with my mum when I was very young, waiting for a train. And the teacher said it was really good.

She really liked it. It's very creative, very emotional and all that stuff. So I felt quite nice.

And some of the students that were in there, they were being very specific, very factual in a sense of, I went to a wedding and both of the bride and the groom turned up and there was music and, you know, it was kind of no emotion involved. It was very matter of fact. And my, and I don't know why, it was, yeah, it was, mine was more, I don't know, she said it was good.

I didn't keep it though. I'm not sure if I, I feel I was going to take it home, but she said, can I keep it? I said, do you like it? She said, no, it's run out of toilet paper in the toilet. I said, okay.

So, but she said she liked it. So I guess she was going to read it and then, you know, use it. So I did think back then, maybe I could write a book.

And I used to keep a journal for 1980, 1989 to about 2011. How many years is that? Yeah, like 22 years. So I had, I didn't do them as often as I got older, but there was a time when I'd be writing every single day for hours.

I had a massive pile of these pads, big old pile. And it was everything from attempted jokes to stories about what's going on and just talking about my life. And it'd be quite interesting to read back now, now that I'm doing this kind of stuff.

Now that I'm talking about some of that stuff, it'd be nice to be able to just pick out one of those journals or whatever you want to call them and read some of it to you. So, okay, today I had breakfast. I went to work.

I wasn't sacked. That's a result. I just, it was, I do wonder what I was writing about.

I used to write about relationships and I used to get a little bit heavy sometimes, not physically heavy, not, you know, I was always quite light. I was fairly strong for my size because I was, as far as like lifting, I had a lot of heavy, heavy lifting when I was at work. When I was in my twenties, I always matched what anyone else did.

It doesn't mean I could match what they could do. I'm not saying I could perhaps lift the the weights that they could lift in the gym, you know, but when it came to lifting the heavy boxes and unloading lorries, I always matched everyone else. It was hard work though sometimes.

It was these particular boxes and so, and they had offal in them and they were so compact and I was frozen and not only were the boxes a little bit slippery because they were frozen but they were really, really heavy, really heavy. So, I'd be moving from one pallet to another. So, to start with the first, probably the first layer was quite hard because it's bending down.

And you do two across, then three, three across and two the other way. So, to make five and then do it the other way around. So, the first layer was a case of bending over, which wasn't good, which is probably why I've got, maybe why I've got back issues.

It was that damn pallet, that one pallet and after that it was easier and then it gets harder again because you're lifting from the ground and then lifting high up again. Why? I suppose that it's different pallets. The pallets they came on were caged pallets instead of just a normal pallet.

So, I think the driver had to take the caged pallets back. We had to transfer them onto a normal pallet and then wrap it up with spin wrap and get it taken away, I think. I didn't remember exactly.

I remember I went there when I was 26, nearly 27 and I'd been going there on and off on the agency since I was 19 and I went there because I hadn't been there for a while and I went there because I literally had no money, no food, nothing. I owed rent. I was living with my friend and I couldn't pay my part of the rent for the flat that we were sharing.

I was like, oh and I was just going into the agency trying to get, I couldn't sign on because we were renting a sublet. So, I couldn't sign on, couldn't get any money from anyone. So, I was turning up to work, had no money for food and just hoping to just get some work.

So, I'd go to the agency, had a few jobs, a few places had sent me and one was road sweeping. Another one was in a place that dealt with tarpaulins, not tents but big ones for the kind of stuff you see at, I guess, festivals and banquets, weddings, that kind of stuff. I forget what they're called but the big old tarpaulin things like tents really and one of my jobs was to clean them.

So, that was, I had a couple of days there and another job I had was in a bakery, a little bakery. So, I actually worked in three, four different bakeries. One was cleaning a bakery but that was a one-off.

One was when I was a kid, did that for a couple of years and the other one was when I was, did that full-time in a bakery and this one again was a one-off because the man that was in charge tried to bully me, bless him. He started trying to have a go at me and so, do this, do that, you're not quick enough and I said, well, it's my first time here and he was like, well, do you want to come back again? Do you want to, really, because I was agency, he was really sort of trying to, trying it on a bit.

So, I just, he said, well, you're going to have to, you need to stay over and do, this job needs to be finished, you're going to have to do overtime.

I said, no, I don't and I just took off my stuff and walked out, walked across the road waiting for the bus and he came out and he was, he came over trying to talk to me, like being nice and I just told him to go away. I was like, really, you just can't be rude to someone at work and then expect them to just be nice outside. I was like, no, it don't work like that.

So, I did that job, that was, it wasn't a hard job, really, because I'd worked in bakeries, I'd done a lot harder than that, but I just didn't know the layout, if that makes sense. I just, it was new and I had a different process and it was a small bakery. It was, and it wasn't tiny, but it was probably not that much bigger than a bakery that you get in a supermarket, perhaps twice the size of a supermarket bakery.

So, I'm not quite sure what they were catering for, maybe they had a few bakery shops in the area that they were baking for, but the, you know, nah, so I didn't go back there. I, yeah, there's, trying to think what other ones I had, what other places was I sent to? Council estate, cleaning, twice, and then I'm trying to think, there must have been some other places. I was turning up at these places and I was literally, because I had no food, I had no food, really embarrassed myself, actually, because I had enough to buy the Mars bar and it was a hot summer's day.

I think this was the tarpaulin place. Oh, I had a job washing up at a fire engine place, fire service canteen in East London. Yeah, and I quite liked that.

I don't know why, but they didn't, I'm not sure if I served or like cleaned tables and stuff, but they didn't, didn't take to me. And then I had another job, which was kitchen portering. Again, this was just a temp, but it was like miles away.

It was a good hour and a half to get there. But I was just, I just knew I was desperate for anything, but they didn't want me back either. So unless they did, maybe they're still waiting.

Oh, I should give them a call. Hello. Don't know if you remember me.

Yeah, it's Jason. I don't know if you remember, but in 1997. Yeah, do you remember? 97.

I did some washing up for you. Washed out a few pans as well. Yeah, you didn't soak them.

So yeah, you just left them all. Yeah, it was practically impossible for me to clean them because they weren't soaked. Yeah, I did mention it at the time.

I wasn't complaining. I was just letting you know from experience because I've been in catering for many years. Oh, so you haven't been waiting for me to come back.

You didn't actually want me back. And everyone remembers me as Mony Jason. Jason the complainer.

Jason who couldn't wash up a dish. I could wash up dishes. I did dishes all right.

It was the saucepans. So do you soak the saucepans now or do you still just leave them to dry out so that the the poor washer-upper agency worker can't actually clean them properly? Oh, you do still leave them to dry out. Okay.

So you haven't learned anything then though. Oh, good. Good, good, good, good, good.

How much you haven't learned anything? So I was bitter. I was so bitter. Hmm.

I, I embarrassed myself. I might have mentioned this in the past. This place was in, it was not that far away.

It was in Stratford and I lived in, I lived in East Ham. So it was, and it was a walk. I didn't have money for buses or anything.

But I managed to, I had enough for a Mars bar, but I was so desperate for a cigarette because back then I smoked at least. I couldn't afford to, but that's all I wanted. I knew when I got home, I could have my friends have a cigarette from him, especially when I was asleep.

I could just like nick some, not that I would, of course, but I did. And no, I didn't. And yeah, I didn't.

I'd never do that. I always did it. No, I would never do a thing like that.

It's not stealing if you admit it. Yeah. Okay.

He wanted me to take them. He, he did. I'm sure he did.

No, I didn't. I never took, no. Yeah, I probably did.

No, I couldn't. He hid them. Honestly, I didn't know where he hid them.

And one day there was a knock on the door. It was his girlfriend. And I said, I knocked on it because he used to do night shift.

I said, I'll wake him up, get him out of bed for you. I think it was, I think they were kind of, and he started dating, so I thought I better not. Let us see what he looks like first thing in the morning.

And he got out of bed and he, he was like, he knelt over to put his false leg on and his pack of cigarettes fell out from beneath his bum cheeks, a pack of cigarettes. That's where he keeps them when he was asleep. So I couldn't have any.

So I couldn't actually help myself. At least that's what he thought once I knew where they were. So, oh, that was a smelly cigarette.

When I think about that, I just want to go and wash my hands. So I, oh, this is embarrassing. Seriously.

I was in this canteen and it was full of people. So it was quite, it wasn't a big operation, but it was, it might not have been a place with the tents, but it was, it was a sort of, it was a sort of similar period. So it was something, some kind of industrial thing.

And I stood up and the place was full of people smoking inside, in as many ways as you could. And I think that's when smoking was good for you. I'm not sure.

And the, and I also, it was like everyone had food and they'd had their food and I was sitting there. I had no food. I had a Mars bar that was melting in my pocket because it was really hot.

And I said, does anyone like to swap a cigarette for a Mars bar? I said this out loud. And there was probably not a huge amount of people, maybe 12, 15 people there, all of which I didn't know. And everyone just stayed quiet.

And I started laughing. And I think I started being a bit sarcastic, but I was just like, yeah, don't worry. So I'm just, you know, don't worry.

I know how expensive cigarettes are, don't worry. Cause in them days they were really cheap. In fact, in them days, in that area, most people wouldn't have even bought them from the shop.

You'd get them really like a pound for a pack of 20, you know, off the lorry and whatever, off the docks. But even 20 cigarettes were about 1.50 back then, maybe two pound. So it was, you know, very cheap.

And eventually someone next to me said, yeah, you can have one. You can have one, here you are. I said, no, don't worry about it.

I said, oh, thanks. And he, I said, you've got a light. And he said, yeah, there you are.

I said, are you forgetting something? So I gave him the lighter back. So I said, sorry, I wasn't trying to get your lighter. I'm just, he said, are you forgetting something? I said, what? The mask bar.

I said, do you really want my dinner? This is my lunch, this is. He said, but that was the deal, wasn't it? So he didn't say that. He was lovely.

And we were friends after that. But it was, that was, I don't get hugely embarrassed, really. But that was one of the most embarrassing.

Yeah, one of my most embarrassing moments. Really felt embarrassed. I felt very vulnerable.

Very, very, you know what? I was woken up today by my neighbor, not, it's the other side. There's a block of flats the other side of the fence. And this woman, I know her, I do, I speak to her and stuff.

And she was shouting at her boyfriend. Proper shouting at him. Shouting and shouting and shouting.

And you know what was weird? It actually, I felt quite good. I couldn't figure out why, because that stuff normally upsets me a bit. I don't, you know, just don't like it.

I'm really not into sort of any kind of aggression or shouting or drama. And I realized why. It's because it's the most normal thing that's happened in the last three months.

Because that's what they do. They occasionally, they have a big row in the garden, like shouting like that. And I've not heard them do it for ages.

Not like that. And I've not been woken up by it for ages. And to get woken up by it, it almost felt like Christmas.

It sounds weird. I've no doubt it sounds weird. But it felt really familiar.

And I don't, you know, I don't want stuff like that to be normal, really. But compared to how life has been, it was a bit like when I went to the garage last night. That was normality.

That's what I would do. I go weeks and weeks where sometimes, where I go out nearly every single night with my neighbor, and we go for a walk in the dark, sometimes late at night, sometimes earlier. We haven't done it for ages, apart from, well, last week, we did actually, but not like this.

I mean, last week, we were basically standing either side of the park from each other. This time, we were, you know, able to talk to each other. We were close enough to talk.

And it was more relaxed, because I just felt more relaxed. But today, I was like, ah, so hearing my neighbor shouting at her boyfriend, actually put me in a good mood. Not because, just for the simple fact that it was some normality.

I suppose, in a sense, it's like, I don't actually remember. Last year, last summer, and I'm pretty much, I'm not talking about Australia, places that have the opposite weather to this part of the world. But this part of the world that has summer at the same time, we had some of the highest temperatures ever.

And I think Australia might have had in their summer as well, or some of the hottest winter days. I'm not 100% sure. I know that every country gets hot at times.

But we had, in England, I say England, because I'm not sure how far it reached to Wales or Scotland, because they're a bit higher up. Although, I don't know. Well, yeah, Wales has got mountains, and Scotland's got mountains, hasn't they? England, we've got a few potholes.

And it was so hot, too hot to even go out. And I remember phoning up my dad, and they were basically indoors. Pretty much the whole family were indoors, naked.

Everyone I knew was just indoors, just, it was too hot to do anything. And admittedly, it was at that point, talking to my dad that I thought, let's get off the video and just talk on audio for this conversation, shall we? And he says, yeah, I think we should. I said, I did say, why did you answer on video? You know, when I called you, you said, well, what's the point in having a WhatsApp if we can't use a video? I said, yeah, but, okay, fair enough.

But why didn't you face the camera at your face? I said, oh, that's complicated. But yeah, I was sitting on my chair. Practically, I might have had my boxer shorts on, because it's not that I'm worried about neighbours, but I'm a bit worried about scaring myself.

You know, there's certain bits of me that I don't want to see. I don't think anyone should. And occasionally, I'll get out of the bath.

Well, I've been in the bath. I always get out of the bath. I don't occasionally, I always get out of the bath.

I'm not in there now. I do it every time I get out. And most times I get out, and I just catch myself in the mirror and just look down and think, no, no, no, no, that's not right.

It's just, no, no, I don't, it's, imagine if Van Gogh would quite enjoy painting me, because he could paint me exactly how I look, and people would think it was one of his weird surreal drawings or pictures, you know. Where's this woman? It's there. That's not one, is it? It's not real.

No, it's a picture. So, yeah, I had a few jobs as an agent on the agency. I've not been out today, though.

Oh, here's what happened today. I had a letter come through the door just after I ordered something online, because I'm sorting food and toilet paper and all that kind of stuff. And it said, oh, this is from Sky, telling me that I hadn't replied to a letter that it sent, and I owed them £62, or £66, something like that.

And they were going to send debt recovery to me if I didn't respond. So I don't know, I just got out of bed. So I phoned them up straightaway.

And then on the phone, it says, we can only deal with people that are vulnerable. And, you know, because of this stuff that's going on, we can't, you can only do stuff online. We can't actually talk to you unless you're categorized as being in the vulnerable section.

And then they said, are you or not? I said, yes. I just said yes. And turns out I am actually.

The bipolar state, they actually do include disabilities, not just people are older, or they've got, you know, lung or heart conditions and stuff like that. They include disabled people, which I am classed as. And I went through, and I thought they were going to, like, turn me away.

And the bloke I spoke to, I wasn't unfriendly, but I wasn't friendly. I was very matter of fact. So I got this letter, need to sort it out.

Why am I being sent a letter telling me that they're gonna send bailiffs around my flat? And he was really calm. And he said, let me get your details up, darling. I said, okay.

And he just is really calm. And he took a while for him to get my details up. The computer system kept crashing.

And in the end, it turns out that I did owe that money, but I didn't receive a letter. And the money was due on the 8th. It's only the 13th.

So they sent me a letter on the day it was due, which doesn't really make sense. So it was a bit weird. And he said, oh, I don't know why they've done that.

And, and he mentioned about working from home. I said, you're working from home now? He said, yeah. We're not allowed to work in call centers.

And I said, I'm sorry, mate. He said, what do you mean? I said, I probably was not very friendly at the beginning of the call. I wasn't rude.

I wasn't swearing. I don't do any of that stuff, but I wasn't friendly. And I've tried to make an effort, especially for my call center comrades.

You know, I've done that work. I did spend years, many years doing that work. And I've got huge respect for people that do that.

So I know how hard it can be, especially with difficult customers and people that are just complaining all the time. And I said, he said, why are you apologizing? I said, look, if I was rude to you, I didn't, you know, I apologize because you're at home. I don't mind so much if you're in an office, although I don't want it.

I don't try to be rude, but you're at home. This is your safe space. You should be a genuine.

That's what I said to him. I think you should, you should be able to feel safe when you're at home. And he said, oh, that's sweet.

Oh, kisses, kisses, kisses. He didn't, he didn't say that. And he said, you know, no wonder people think that you're gay.

I said, wait on that. He said, you keep talking about kisses and cuddling men and stuff on these recordings. I said, so? He said, well, people are going to think that you're gay.

I said, what does it matter? I said, I don't know, if you want to meet someone. He said, I want to meet someone. But you said you liked Riri.

I said, yeah, she's got a boyfriend. Well, okay. And what about Wingle Wangle? Wingle Wangle? Bingle bongle? What are you talking about? Wingle, you know, you can't say a name.

Wingle Wangle? Jingle jangle? Jingle jangle? Oh, nevermind. Anyway, what would it matter if I was? What's it got to do with anyone? No, not saying it's got to do with anyone. I said, that wasn't a sentence, was it? He said, no, it wasn't.

I just lost interest. Well, fair enough. And he sorted it out and set a direct debit up, which was the reason why I owed money, because the direct debit wasn't set up properly.

It wasn't set up at all for some reason. And it got all sorted and we were chatting and, yeah, we're going to meet up at the weekend, go for a drink. But yeah, that's it.

That's been my day. That's been my day. Andre's now moaning to himself in his sleep.

It's so dramatic. That's what he's doing. Poor me, poor me.

I don't get to go outside. This is my daddy. He doesn't realise that I'm a dog.

You're not a dog, Andre. You don't have to go out. But all ferrets must go out.

No, I guarantee you, not many ferrets go for a walk. Not ones that live in a house. Not many have the run of the place like you do.

I look at his cage, it's like a mansion, just his cage alone. It's not a small thing, it's a big old cage. But he doesn't go in it.

He does go in it just to sort of sniff around. There's a bit of food in there, so he likes a little munch. But I brought it out because out of the storage room, so I can put him in there for when I make a recording in the bedroom.

But I just don't like putting him in there. It's weird. I don't know what it is.

I just don't like putting him in a cage. It just doesn't feel right. I might have to, though, to actually get some sleep.

Uninterrupted sleep, because he does interrupt me at times. Not a huge amount, but he'll come in and sort of start jumping all over me and biting my ear and stuff. Just standard stuff.

But it's like being married, really. I guess that's one way. I've never been married, but is that what wives do? They bite their husband's ears in the morning? I don't know.

Don't ask me. So yeah, I think that's kind of it for now. It's for now.

Take care of yourself. And remember, remember to be kind to yourself. Because, because, because, because you deserve to be happy.

Lots of love. Bye.