#376 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (14th April 2020)

Hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com and my name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

I'll stop doing that now. I'll stop behind this recording and all 7 million previous ones is to just lull you into just a boring state of slippiness and I just talk about whatever. And that's it.

There is no method, there is no agenda, there is no logic really behind any of it. It's just a bit like life, a bit like life. It's just me talking and I talk about things that have happened in my life.

I make up stuff that hasn't happened in my life. I talk about my dreams and my fantasies and my girls and things that motivate me. And that's about it really.

So, just to update you on the website because I love my website. I'm starting to love it. I'm starting to... because I've had a website for forever, 20 odd years, but this one I've had since 2006.

But I keep changing it. I've been changing it on and off hundreds of times probably and now I'm keeping it. I'm keeping it as it is, but I'm improving it, constantly making changes.

But I'm going to... my plan is to keep it. And it's a shop. It's basically an online store, but everything on there is free.

So you can download every recording I've produced for free. You can also listen to this podcast without adverts and on continuous play for free as well. If you go to my website, it's in the menu.

And you can also... and the adverts are only at the very beginning of the podcast normally. They're not at the end. But if you're listening on continuous play, you're going to hear the adverts at the beginning of the next recording, but not on the website, the one that I've got.

So I've got an actual playlist, which is this. There's also the Deep Sleep Whisper, the Sleep Hypnosis Weekly, and the Hypnosis for Stress, Anxiety and Panic Attacks. So that's... I've got those four main podcasts that are available to stream without adverts and continuously.

So yeah, Groovy and Macaboovy. Also, and this podcast, as well as the other four or the other three podcasts, all of the episodes are available to download individually as well as bulk downloads. So on my website, at the top of the page, there's a... well, it's free images, basically, because I've not got enough Sleep Hypnosis Weekly ones to do it yet.

But they're in bulk of 50 recordings each zip files, and you can download them. So, you know, 1 to 50, 51 to 150, and so on, for each of the three podcasts. And you can download them.

It tells you how much gigabyte space there are in, you know, also tells you the amount of time each one takes up, or how much, something like 59 hours worth of me talking on one download. So yeah, so that's available. It's free as well.

So you can download those for free. And that's everything really. I've just been adding my videos from YouTube onto the website.

So I'm now going through the pain relief ones. So I'm basically just embedding the videos into the page where the... for example, chronic arm pain relief. So I'm going into that and if you go in there now, you'll see there's an actual video as well.

As well as you can stream the audio, you can download it, and you can watch the video where there's me actually on screen. I'm only doing it where there's videos of me. Actually proper video, not just sort of a picture generally.

So it just gives you an idea. You can... it gives you something to laugh at, if nothing else. And you can see how I've aged over the years.

Because you can look back at me when I was 15, and now I'm 73. And it's all, you know, not aged that badly, really. But I really have.

And so yeah, it's... I find it almost interesting. Sometimes when I look at a video of me from 2000, and let's say 11. And it's just, oh, so I'm doing a HypnoChats video.

I'm still going to plug them. I don't care if no one watches or listens to it, but I'm going to keep plugging them. So HypnoChats video.

And I just look so much younger. I'm not wearing glasses, because I didn't wear glasses back then, apart from to read. And as soon as I learn to read, I'll start using them.

That's what I used to say to myself. When I learn to read, I'll wear the glasses. But now I wear glasses all the time, apart from when I'm in the bath and sleeping.

And I don't know, what other times don't I wear glasses? I don't need to wear them when I'm on the toilet, but I do wear them. I don't really need them on when I'm in the kitchen, because I can see everything. It's more distance.

For example, I need them on to see the television. Not the television itself, but the screen. I can see the screen, but the image clearly.

I need my glasses on for that. And I'm due to go back to the opticians, probably quite soon. But at the moment, I'm not.

There's no point making appointments, because I don't think the places would be open anyway. So what I'll probably do is wait later in the year, maybe autumn time. And that'd be fall for people that don't call autumn.

They name it incorrectly. And fall. It's fall.

No, it's autumn. No, it's fall. It's autumn.

Autumn. Autumn, autumn, autumn, autumn, autumn, autumn. No, it's fall.

No, it's autumn. We gave you the language. What are you doing using different words? It's our language.

I don't know, where did fall come from? Just fall out of the sky. So I'll probably get my eyes tested then. Or maybe I'll just wait until spring.

Wait until next year. But I hope things will start getting back to normal in a few months, and I'll be able to just do those things, like get my eyes tested, perhaps get to the dentist, things like that. Just normal.

Whatever normal is. Yeah. So get that done.

And so I've been adding the videos to my website, so I'm quite pleased about that. But when I look at the videos of me, I do look younger. I was younger.

I mean, it's nine years ago, isn't it? So I used to use the counseling rooms to do videos in. So I'd make, let's say, adjacent chats or relaxation video. I'd sit there in the room, and I'd just be, I'd put it on the ledge of the counseling room, because it's very bright, big windows.

And because I think it was originally an office complex. So there would have been like quite a few, I guess, tables and chairs and stuff in there, and then cordoned it all off and everything. So it's very bright.

So I'd put the phone, it was an iPhone, on the windowsill ledge. Not really a windowsill, but a window ledge. And it was bright in there.

It was lovely. A little bit echoey. I didn't have access to, I mean, this microphone I'm using now would have been really useful back then.

But I used what was available at the time, at the time. And it was good. I was sitting there doing a recording, focusing.

It was quite nice, the sun coming in. It was quite, I felt quite positive when I was doing that. Now, not all my clients enjoyed it.

Some of them found it a bit distracting for the session that we were doing, the counseling session. But other than that, I felt it was quite good. So I'll be doing it, and I sort of, at the end, I said, so how does that make you feel? How are you today? That's my special counseling skills.

That's nothing. It sounds like I'm mocking counseling. I'm not.

I'm mocking myself. Counseling saves lives. And I'm a big fan of therapy.

Big, big, big, big, big fan. And I know that heroes and stuff is used quite a lot for medical profession at the moment, and rightly so. But the rest of the time, there's a lot of people that are kind of working, and they're not being seen so much.

They're perhaps sitting in a little room, seeing maybe six people a day, and are making a massive difference to those people, their families, and potentially society as well. So yeah, they're kind of the hidden heroes, in a way. And I'm not classing myself as one of those, because I don't do it anymore.

But those that do do it, people that do therapy, whatever kind of therapy they do with people, whatever they offer, whether it's hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, whatever it is, they're helping people. And God, this is getting very serious. And I'm all almost turned into a preacher.

I'm preaching. I'm a big fan of therapy. It's weird, because with the, you might be probably not even aware of this.

You might not, unless you're in my kind of my sphere of hypnosis world. There's a lot of judgments. And I'm not really sure.

Well, I think I do know where it comes from. But with NLP, which is Neuro Linguistic Programming, and you've got, and that's partly, you can Google it. I can't be bothered to explain it.

But it's, part of it is taken from hypnosis and studying Milton Erickson, who was the Bruce Lee of hypnosis. And there's a lot of very dismissive attitude towards counseling in my NLP training. And for me, that, what I realized then, and is still afterwards as well, is it's a mixture of perhaps two things.

First, well, three things. Firstly, impatience. The idea that everything needs to be done instantly.

And that does seem to come along a little bit with hypnosis. You know, like, okay, I want this, this thing that I've had troubled me for 20 years, I want it to be completely healed now. And in no other situation would anyone do that.

You can go to a doctor or to a surgeon and expect everything to be sorted straight away. Even medication takes a few days to even start working. And with, you know, a physical issue.

But there seems to be that the idea that's what it's all about, like instant. I'm not really into that. I'm more of a, I don't know, more of a connoisseur, more of a, if I was a tea drinker, which I'm not really, I'd probably be into tea leaves and, you know, making it in a teapot and using a little tea strainer instead of, you know, instead of teabags, not into instant.

Although if, when I do drink tea, I use teabags. So that's probably not a good example, but. So I'm just moving my body.

You know, it's really weird. I don't actually need to make those noises. So I do it when I sit down and go, or I make a straining sound when I stand up.

I don't need to. There's no real physical discomfort generally. I've got lower back issues, but I can deal with that.

It's such a, I think it's what we learn when we're kids. You know, when you drink tea, when you see adults going and they're drinking it like, it's just tea. It's never going to have, tea has never had the ooh factor for me.

I've never just had a little mouthful of tea and just gone, oh, that's it. That's hit the spot. I never really, I mean, maybe other people do, but I've had periods when I used to drink a lot of tea.

There was a time when I remember I looked in the mirror and I thought, my teeth are too damn white. I need to get them stained. So I thought I'll drink lots of tea and stain my teeth.

I did the job, it was brilliant. And so I drank tea for quite a while, probably about a year, maybe longer. And, oh, I loved it.

I suppose I did quite like tea and crumpets with jam on top. You might call it jelly, but it's wrong. It should be called jam.

And stop using the wrong words. To be fair, jelly sounds better than jam. It sounds more like, if you look at jam, like strawberry jam, and you just, you put it onto the toast and it does wobble like jelly.

So perhaps if we just got rid of jelly altogether, because jelly is just gelatine and water, and it's just pointless anyway. It's just flavoured water with some, I don't know, chewing gum mixed in. I don't know what it is, but it's kind of pointless.

So perhaps if we get rid of that and just call it jam jelly. Yeah, yeah, I could do. I don't know if it's called jelly anywhere else other than America.

And it might be, I don't know, in Mexico, do you call it jelly? And I suppose you might not know what jam is either. Because you might not have heard of jam, that's what I mean. I'm not saying that people in Mexico don't understand the concept of jam.

That wasn't what I was saying. I was just saying that you might not have jam. Preserves, that's probably a good word, because they are, aren't they? That's what they were for originally, to preserve fruit and to keep in tight jars so that, or even jugs, a couple of big, nice big jugs and sort of tight though, but they've got to be, got a lid on them so it's very tight.

And preserves, so, you know, not just pickles and onions and gherkins and things like that in vinegar, but also jam. And I think part of the preservation is the sugar, I think. Yeah, I might have a go at doing it myself.

I'm not, I'm never going to do it. The good thing about saying this to myself is I haven't committed myself to anything, because I know I'm not going to do it, even though I said I'm going to do it, I'm not. The problem with being around other people is I offer my services and I regret it instantly.

You know, I'll be in a room, I'll be moving house at the weekend, I'll help. That's just what, straight away, I'll help you move. And it's, I don't want to help them move.

99% of me doesn't want to help them move, but this is one little percent that's really generous and really caring, that's always lingering and hiding behind a tree, waiting to offer help to people. I'll help you, I'll help you move all your heavy furniture. It's like, why? I don't, so I try and keep my mouth shut, well, I keep away from people, basically, but I try and keep my mouth closed in those situations.

I don't want to offer my help, because I generally don't want to help. Just, not in a bad way, just in a realistic, honest way. Oh yeah, let me help you move house.

Yeah, I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. And I would, of course I'd do it if I had sort of someone, if Andre was moving out and he was moving in with his girlfriend, of course I'd help him, I'd help him move. I'd do anything for the little smelly fart head, but I would, I'd help him.

The same as if my dad needed help, I'd help him. Mind you, you just think, oh, you're getting in the way. That's his attitude.

Although I did help him move house when he moved into his house he's in now. It was in 1990. How many years ago is that? 30 years.

Wow. 1990. Do you realize, I'm not going to say the word, but I'm going to, the word begins with V, a big V. And let's say I'm carrying around a big V. I used to carry it around for years and years, this big V. And around April, probably July time, 1990, I lost that, I lost it.

I mislaid it. I lost that V. Michelle was her name. Very beautiful woman.

30 years ago. Wow. To show how old I was though, I was 20 years old.

No, I was 19. No, 1990. Yeah, I was 19.

I was 20 in the August, because then I started doing a comedy when I was 20 in January. I was 20 before January, but I went to London in January. Even though I'd previously moved there the September 1989.

I'd lived there for September, October, November, December, January, February, March. I was there for six months. April, September, October, November, December, February, March, October, November, December, January, February, March.

Yeah. I moved back in April. I think it was.

I moved back and moved to, stayed with my dad's, got a job canvassing, knocking on people's doors, trying to get them to have a quotation for window double glazing. And I think I was getting a hundred and, I think, I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure I was getting 120 pound a week to do that. And it was for three hours a night or not a night, but in the early evening, sort of between about five and eight, something like that.

And Monday to Friday. And then I got a job in the factory, night shift, earning, I don't know how much I was earning, 200, probably 200 a week or 180 a week, something like that. Maybe 150 a week.

I'm not sure, but all I know is the most I've ever, ever had, because I had two jobs and I think it was 150 pound a week I was earning doing the full-time job, night shift, 120 doing the part-time job. But it might be more in the full time. I forget.

It's a long time ago. There was no minimum wage back then. This was, yeah.

I mean, when I was in London, I was getting paid £1.80 an hour. Was it £1.80? It was 85 pence. Wow.

I think it was £1.80 an hour. I think. That's what I was getting before I moved from London back to where my dad was.

And so I went from earning, so 40 hours at £1.80, so it's, well, 20 hours, 40 hours at £2. It's less than £80 a week, isn't it? And my rent was about £40. £40.

Yeah. So there's not a lot of money, a lot of money to play around with at that time. So I go from earning £80 a week, living in London, which is a lot more expensive, to earning a hundred and, what is it? £1 to £270 a week.

So yeah, probably more than that. So I was earning like, cut £100 a week more. And then eventually it just got tiring to do both jobs.

So I gave up the part-time job. Although I kind of really should have just stuck it out just for the money until they sacked me. But, you know, yeah.

Wow. I've only really had three times in my working, well, before I started working properly, because I had lots of really rubbish jobs. And the only, the first proper job I really had was when I was 31, when I started doing sales.

The insurance job was the first big company that I'd ever worked for. Before that, it was just little places and little businesses and temporary stuff and just random things. So really, I suppose, well, I did work for Sunbless Bakery.

So that was a big company in the UK. I'm not sure if they're worldwide, but they were, UK-wise, Sunbless Bakery was huge. That's the biggest place I've ever worked in my life.

You know, the bakery was the size of the town I lived in before moving to London. Honestly, it was huge. And, you know, you go to the toilet, you get back and your shift was over.

It was that huge of a building. Unless, of course, you used the toilet that was closest to you, which was advised to me during the disciplinary. And my first, when I started, I was in the bakery canteen and then I got made redundant from there.

And they took me on as a, which I was surprised, but they took me on with the agency that took over. And then I just didn't like it anymore. It was just awful.

It's less money doing the same job for less money. And the money wasn't great to start with. It was manageable, but it was just, I think I was earning probably about £140 a week.

And to suddenly, I think they put it down to about £120. So I just said, no, I don't like this. And the, I actually had two options.

One option was to do something really, really dodgy, and which the management didn't know about, but it was a certain department. And they actually offered me, and I was going to, they said, you can come and work here, but you've got to keep quiet about what goes on. And you'll be making loads of money on the side.

But it was a criminal act, basically. A fraud, I suppose you could say, I don't know. But I said, no, thank you very much.

So I'm not into that. And I mean, one good thing came out of it, because I was then able to blackmail him for the next 10 years to keep my silence. Nah, joking.

But I said, nah, because that, you don't, it's like, okay, I'll keep my quiet. You don't know if it's just one person doing it. And he's looking for an accomplice.

He was trying to make out that everyone knew about it. The other option, apart from leaving, was the assistant manager of the whole bakery, like the production, bakery side. I was friends with him, he liked me.

And he said, you can come work at a bakery. And he'd been on at me since I started to work in a bakery. Because he didn't think I could hack it.

Because it's so hard. Because I used to just, I don't know, I used to sort of make fun of the workers and stuff. You know, he said, you couldn't do what they do.

I said, yeah, of course I could. No, you couldn't. You'd work the hours they work.

Because I used to, because they used to be quite impatient about having their dinner. And I used to say, just wait your turn. And he'd say, look, they're hungry.

They've been there for 16 hours. They're hungry. I said, yeah, but these are the hours we do.

Just, you know, he said, look, if you was in there, and you were waiting for your food, you'd be banging on the cage as well. I said, first of all, it's not a cage. It's a steel shutter.

He said, shutter butter, it doesn't matter. And eventually, I kind of, after being there, earning less money, didn't really like it anymore. So I just said, all right, then, mate, let's do it.

And I started working the following week. I think I might have had to give a week's notice or something to the, what's it, the agency. And I started working.

And because they already had me on their payroll system, like, three weeks earlier than that, you know, I wasn't working for them anymore. But they just added me back on, had all my details. Didn't need a reference.

And, oh, man, I remember going in there, because I'd already been in there before, to see what it was like. So I was interested, you know, because I was in the canteen. I said, well, can I have a look, see what it's like in there? He said, yeah, come and have a look.

So I'd been in there a couple of times, being in the different departments. And the one thing is, the obvious thing is so hot. And I was working there during the summer.

But it'd be no different in the winter. The heat's the heat, you know. It's just, it's full of ovens.

Big, huge, massive ovens. And these huge, giant mixers, like mixing, well, dough, you know. But they didn't just do bread.

They did, like, scones. They did, what other things did they do? What other things? Probably tea cakes. Yeah, probably those, that kind of stuff.

But, yeah, I remember, because a lot of the bread was for different places. So some of it would be in Sunblessed bags. Other ones would be in plain bags.

Or be in Tesco bags. For example, I don't know exactly. I was like, ooh, that's a bit weird.

I thought Tesco made it themselves. Although Tesco, they do have a lot of supermarkets, do have their own bakeries, don't they? Nowadays. But in those days, perhaps they didn't.

Perhaps they did. I might be making it up. I make most things up.

And so hot. So hot. And he just found it funny.

I think he enjoyed seeing people suffer. I think he just got a kick out of it. And he was looking forward to seeing me and struggling.

And he didn't even need to be involved, because he was the assistant manager. He didn't have to really come out of his office if he didn't want to. But he used to come around.

He had supervisors. Lots and lots of supervisors that were downstairs, shift managers that were downstairs, looking after the place. But he personally supervised me.

He personally showed me the ropes. And he gave me a top. It was a white top, and it was short sleeved, which I thought, oh, good, it'll keep me cool.

No, I burnt my arms to bits from the trays coming out. And he said, you've got to learn to do it without burning yourself. I said, really? Thanks for the advice.

I wouldn't have thought about that. Wow. Try not to burn.

Yeah. What a great idea. You really are a friend.

And he thought it was hilarious when I kept yelling. All you could hear is just me yelling all the way through the day and swearing and shouting and stuff. Hard graft.

Proper hard graft. It's one of the hardest jobs physically I've ever had in my life. I've had a few difficult ones, but that's one of the ones.

And wow. And after, I think, a week of me being there, I said to him, how do you feel? How am I doing? He said, well, I'll let you know. Because of how well you're doing, here you go.

And he presented me with something, and I thought, oh, it's nice. But it was just another jacket, another, like, top. Work top.

I said, it's a work top. That's hardly a present. He said, oh, but look at it.

I said, what? He said, it has sleeves. It has sleeves. You mean to say that for the last two weeks, I could have been wearing something that covered my arms that would have prevented me from getting burnt? He said, yes.

Well, he was laughing so much. I think he said, yes. I said, so you watched me burn my arms with those trays, because they were coming out.

They were basically being pushed out of the oven, whether you carried them and picked them up or not. They were just continuously with the conveyor belt system. He said, yeah.

I said, why did you give me a short-sleeved one? Did you not have enough long-sleeved ones? He said, no, there's loads of long-sleeved ones. I said, why did you give me a short-sleeved one? He said, that's the best way to learn. The best way to learn not to burn yourself is to be in a position to burn yourself.

Now that you've got the long-sleeved shirt top, you're not going to be getting it so dirty. So this is about washing. He said, well, you know, the trays are very greasy and the burn marks will cause a problem on your skin.

But look what it does to these white tops. It's very distressing to them. Oh, lovely.

So that was a little bit annoying. But I remember I went up and the office was really high up above, it was in the bakery, but high up to walk up all these stairs to get to it. There was another office the other side, but this one was the manager's office.

I think the other one was possibly the assistant manager's office, but I went to the manager's office to get my wages. Wages. I think, I can't remember what his name was.

They were Turkish, I think. Both of them, like they're both brothers and their sister worked in the bakery as well as I think administrator. And I got on really well with her.

We were really close, me and her. And we, it was really, Mehmet, I'm sure it was Ali. I think one was called Ali and one was called Mehmet, something like that.

And I remember they were both there, both the brothers were there and he handed me my pay slip or my pay packet and it was cash. And it was, in those days, a lot of jobs still used to pay in a little brown envelope, cash, cash money, notes, and perhaps a little bit of change depending. And of course there'd be tax taken off.

So there'd be a pay slip and there'd be how much you earn, how much national insurance was taken off and all that stuff. And I had, I think it was £250 after tax, which was the most I'd ever earned in a job before, like in one job, cash. And it might have been more.

It might have actually been more thinking about it. Might have been like 300 plus, maybe 350, but I'd done 100 hours. So I'm thinking I did 100 hours the week before, that's when I got paid the week after.

So I did 100 hours working. I don't want to keep repeating 100 hours because it doesn't seem realistic, but it's true. Did quite a few double shifts, 16 hour shifts.

And so that's only £2.50 an hour, isn't it? It's not a lot of money. Maybe £3 an hour before having tax taken off for national insurance. But £3, not a lot either.

But maybe, maybe even back in 1991, it was a good hourly rate. I didn't even know. I don't know.

No, I think the most that I ever earned with the canvassing was like 1989, early in the summer when I was doing it the first time. I think £180 was the most I ever earned. That was with a bonus.

Yeah, there was a bonus on top of the £120 as well when I went back to do it. But before that, I wasn't getting £120. I think I was getting, well, maybe it was £120 plus a bonus.

But I'm pretty sure £180 was the most I ever earned in a week. But that was, it's quite weird. I'm going to contradict myself now.

But it was one of the best summers of my life, that was. And not the whole of the summer, just that period when I was a canvasser. So that period of the summer, I was working from four to seven or five to eight, you know, that kind of time.

Monday to Friday, sometimes a Saturday morning. So I'd get paid extra for the Saturday morning. I'd get driven where I was going.

I lived across the road pretty much from my boss who used to, I used to go and get a lift with him to wherever he took us. So there was no travelling involved for me. I had a girlfriend at the time as well.

And I lived in a place, just renting a room, but I was earning enough money to eat out. So I was eating in a cafe, so I used to have like cooked dinner every day. And in the evening, maybe pizza or kebab or, you know, something like that.

Maybe sandwiches from the garage. And I could just do whatever I wanted. And I had the freedom.

And I felt, I felt like I was a salesman, you know, a salesperson. I really felt that I was doing something that I was good at. For the very, very first time ever in my career, which had only been going for two years anyway, because I didn't start until two, well three years, I started working in 2000, no 1986.

But I really thought I found my niche. And then we all got laid off because the, the company decided to spend money on advertising rather than us. So they went into radio advertising instead, which was a bit annoying.

So suddenly I'm unemployed in, I think September or the end of August 1989. That's when I decided to just move, move to London. And yeah, but that was good.

The reason it was good is because as well as earning, it was the most I ever earned at that point in my life. So, and I'd, I'd worked all the hours and still not earned more than like 500 pound a month, even sort of in factories working lots of hours. But suddenly I'm working three hours a day and I'm getting paid at least 150 a week with bonus, sometimes more, usually no less than that.

I'm paying probably 30 pound a week rent. So I've got a lot of, kind of quite a bit of spare money to spend on whatever I want to spend it on. So I would, I'd buy drinks, drink alcohol sometimes.

But one, the one in my memory, one of my memories is, there's a few weird ones, but I had, we used to have these competitions at work and Jeff, my boss, who's not here anymore, but he's, he used to live under the table, but he's not, he's moved on. And he's, he'd have these competitions where he'd say, right, if you, I don't know what, let's for example, if you all get 50 leads this week between you, then you're going to all get, I don't know, five, you'll win 10 bottles of champagne. So it's that kind of thing.

Whoever gets the most will win another 10 bottles of champagne. So that's what we did. And for a few weeks, I just had champagne and it wasn't expensive champagne, but it was, it was still champagne to me, you know, very inexperienced with alcohol at that point.

So I'd be with my friends, drinking champagne, I'd give them a bottle and we'd just walk in on the beach, hot summer's day, just being a bit, not loud, but possibly a little bit loud, but just, just having fun, you know, just chilling out. And then I'd go to work. So I'd be doing that in the afternoon.

And then I'd go to work like a bit tiddly, which was, but usually I try and keep it to the weekend and do it better. And there was another time I got talking to a girl in the laundrette. It was really nice, really liked her.

She was doing her washing as well, a bit of ironing. And after I looked at her, I thought, you know what, I'm going to stop juggling and actually try and make a conversation up with her. So I started talking to her.

I said, do you mind if I tried to chat you up? And she said, yeah, sure. Wonderful. And so I just talking to her, she was really nice.

I really liked her a lot. She said something that was, I can't remember what it was, but she told me where she worked, told me her name and all that stuff. So I thought that was maybe an invitation to go and see her.

That's what I thought. Well, I didn't go and see her sober, which was probably not the best thing, but I went in there with my bottle of champagne. And I think the champagne was spelled with an S on the bottle, so it might not have been legit.

And I think the pain was P-A-I-N. And I went in there and I was sort of saying, you know what, how are you doing? And I was chatting her up and just sort of making her laugh, you know, just, but she worked in a cafe and there were people in a cafe, cafeteria, there's people, you know, people eating and I was probably being a bit too loud. And I don't know, but because I've been drinking, I tell her that I really liked her.

I think she's lovely. And I'd like to take her out or go out with her or take her out or something. Anyway, I left.

I crossed the road and suddenly this bloke is having a go at me for talking to his girlfriend. And I'm against the wall. I don't think he's actually touched me, but he's like, right close.

I've got this bottle in my hand and I'm thinking, this is just silly. So I thought, wait a sec, I'll put the bottle down because it was just too tempting. So I put the bottle on the floor and I couldn't stop laughing because he was this big, really big bloke.

And I was, I wasn't very big back then. And he was just really angry with me. But at the same time, it just, it was kind of amusing.

I don't know why, because I should have perhaps not been finding it funny, but I just did. I couldn't help it because he just wasn't intimidating. It was, I don't find people particularly intimidating to be fair, but he just wasn't, you know, less so than most people.

And it was weird. And the only thing I could think is, why would she be with someone like him? Because he was just, I don't know, just didn't like it. I suppose I didn't fancy him so, you know, not that I would anyway, but I was thinking, well, surely she'd, her boyfriend would look like me.

He'd look like me, surely. But I might, I don't remember, I think I might have gone back in there and apologized to her and just said, sorry, sorry for chatting you up. And then that was it and sort of laughed and walked away.

But I just, what a silly man. I mean, I was really silly doing it, but I was doing it gently, you know, I was, I've never been, I've never been an aggressive drinker. You know, it's not really my style, I'm not aggressive, so I just, I'm quite chilled out.

And I don't really drink hardly ever, but when I have done, I generally fairly chilled out. And it just, it's weird. I just didn't know really what to do with it because it was, it was too surreal.

It was almost, it was the equivalent of me just sitting on the, on the promenade, my feet on the pebbles of the beach and a dolphin just suddenly popping out, dancing over to me and nicking, stealing my ice cream and running off laughing. That, that was the equivalent kind of situation in my head. It was just ridiculous, very silly.

And I think what's weird is in those situations, people like that, they don't realise that one simple move would put them on the floor and they don't know. It's like they're completely oblivious, oblivious, oblivious, oblivious to it, especially when you're short like me. So he was probably six, six, two, six, three, I don't know.

I'm five, eight. So he was taller. The groin area is never far from me, but with tall people.

And it's simple. It's just so, ah, it's ridiculous. It's very silly.

It was just silly people. I'm all tough. Yeah, you're tough if I just stand here and let you be tough.

I can punch hard. Yeah, everyone can. Did you know? Okay, here's the thing.

Um, Barron McGregor, he is a legend in boxing in the UK. He's a legendary world champion from the eighties. A lot of people listen to this may not know who he is.

But if you know boxing, you'll, you probably will know who he is. His boy, Shane, I think, who's now like an adult and a trainer and it's probably in his thirties. Now I don't know why I still remember this, but his son broke his nose when he was about two years old.

He punched his dad on the nose and broke his nose. A two year old can break an adult's nose. So it's not a boxer's nose as well.

A former world champion. Everybody hits hard. Everybody.

There are no little hitters. They're all here. Children punch hard.

Please don't. If you're listening, don't be hitting no one. It's not good, but everyone does.

The hardest I ever got hit ever was by a woman. It's true. Totally true.

Hardest punch I ever took was from a woman. And this was back in 1998, beginning of 98. So it was a very, very last comedy gig.

And it was with Zedd, my friend who's no longer here. He used to live in the loft, but now he doesn't anymore. He's left.

And he used to host these gigs. Chicken Reggie's, which used to be the comedy club. And that was his name, Reginald.

But everyone called him Zedd. So I went to this gig and basically after the gig, it was a very full pub and everyone left. The pub was called The Eagle, I think.

And it was in, it was in, where was it? Covent, not Covent Garden. Ilford, I don't know. Somewhere.

Obviously it was somewhere, but it's somewhere, but I can't remember the exact area. I've done gigs every part of London. Hertfordshire, Essex and Middlesex.

I've done the whole, you know, during the years, I did every single one, I think. Or been to every single one. But this was, it was definitely in London, but it was a little bit out of the way.

It wasn't easy to get home from. Well, basically, it was just, we were just having drinks afterwards. So Zedd, his friend, who owned the pub, his friend's girlfriend, who used to be Zedd's girlfriend, or his friend's wife, I think they were married, used to be Zedd's girlfriend.Me and another comedian who was there as well. So basically, Zedd said something because they were trying to kick us out, but we were, I think we were having trouble sort of finding a way home. Anyway, she said something, Zedd said something, and I laughed.

I was sitting down on the chair at the table, Zedd was standing up. I laughed at what he said. She punched me square on the jaw, like proper, punched me.

Everyone started laughing, apart from me and her. So she wasn't happy. She didn't do it as a joke.

She was trying to knock me out, I think. But I was like, why did you? And I said to, I mean, I was crying, obviously, but I said, well, Zedd is the one that said it. Why don't you have a go at him? And he was rolling around.

Honestly, rolling around laughing is one of the funniest things he's ever seen, he said. And she apologised later. And the weird thing is, we ended up staying in the pub, because we couldn't get home, because we were drinking too late.

And so I ended up sleeping in the room with the other comedian. And he was so funny. He kept making me laugh.

I can't even remember who it was. But he was just hilarious. It was so funny.

And Zedd was there, he ended up getting a ticket, a parking ticket. I'm not sure if he got clamped, but he got the parking ticket. So he was really angry in the morning.

And we all left. But I've never been hit as hard as that woman hit me. Really proper.

Didn't see it coming. Didn't expect it. And why would you expect it? It's like, bang! I'm just like, looking around at people laughing.

And I'm potentially two seconds away from doing something that would put me in prison for a long time. I'm just, is this funny? It doesn't feel funny. It hurts.

Well, it didn't really hurt. But just the idea of it being done is just wrong. You know, I don't believe in anyone hitting anyone.

And we should all get along, kiss and cuddle, make each other cakes. Now, Zedd, he actually ended up getting really, really badly ill in, you know, a couple of years later. And what was it called? Neuro whatever, something.

And he couldn't even talk. He basically got, but that's not the fun part of the story. This is the fun part.

When he saw me, he couldn't communicate at all. But he had an interpreter. He had someone that he lived with and she knew what he was saying, because she'd been with him as his speech deteriorated.

So she learned what he was saying. I suppose it's just natural, isn't it? As you said to me, he was saying something, he was smiling and laughing. I said, okay.

Don't know what you just said there, but you seem quite happy, Zedd. I thought you'd be a bit more miserable, but you seem quite happy. You taking the piss out of me for some, you know, potentially, are you? Don't get me started.

There's plenty here for me to make fun of. And he said, and I said, what did he say? And she said, he said, do you remember when that woman punched you in the face? I just, that was his memory of me. That was the thing that gave him a kick, that gave him joy and happiness.

The memory of me getting punched in the face by his ex-girlfriend, because of something that he, a joke that he made about her. It stayed with him. And he was so happy.

Honestly, the look on his face was just pure pleasure. I just, God. The weird thing about it is he never mentioned it afterwards, before, but when he was well, didn't mention it.

So I saw him, you know, later in the year, saw him in 99 and said nothing. And then he got unwell. It was quite weird because he, I spoke to him on the phone because he had, and it was a neurological thing.

And I think he was giving me some gigs at his club. And I said, you know what he said? He said, yeah. Yeah.

Why Jason? I said, what's wrong with you? Stoned? He said, no, no, man. That's what people keep saying to me. You know, I don't know what's going on.

I've not had anything. And he was laughing about it. And then, you know, I found out later that there was a reason for it.

But he was lovely. Old Zed. He's probably one of the few people that found me funny.

That actually gave me time, gave me respect. And he gave me gigs, paid me, actually paid me money to perform at his clubs. And I suppose in some ways he kind of loved me.

I suppose he liked, well not loved, but he liked me a lot. And I cared, you know, I liked him a lot. And probably, I guess, one of my best friends in comedy.

Probably one of the best friends I made in the comedy world during those years that I was doing it. One of them. And yeah.

Well, I told the story of Zed anyway. But the first time I met him, it was a new act night. And I actually got him on stage with me.

And it was my very first gig, I think. And I had a list of my jokes. And I asked him to hold a piece of paper up for me.

And he did. And I just turned my back on him and ignored him for the next 10 minutes. And he was laughing his head off.

And the audience were laughing as well. They weren't laughing at me. They were just laughing at him.

Not at him, but laughing with him at the ridiculousness of it. And probably laughing because he was laughing. And it's probably one of my best gigs, actually.

But after that, he was called up to do his spot. I had no idea he was a comedian. So he went down really well.

Because I'd already just spent the last 10 minutes looking at him. And I felt so guilty because he had no time to prepare for his own performance. Because he'd been on stage with me.

So I was like, I'm sorry, man. I had no idea that he was a comic. I didn't know.

He said, no, it's all right, man. It's cool. And he was just, you know, he's really chilled about it.

And then we kind of had that friendship ever since, really. And he was a big man, big, big man. He was a lot older than he looked as well.

So he used to wear leather jackets. And he's big. I don't know how to explain it.

He was just big, big man. But he was like 50. When he passed away, he was like 50 or 52.

I genuinely thought he was in his 30s. He just didn't look. He didn't.

He didn't look. There's nothing wrong with looking 50, but he didn't look at it. He didn't look.

I mean, bearing in mind I was in my 20s myself. I just figured he was about 10 years older. Amazing.

Absolutely. See, he really lived a life. He'd been around.

But that was it. It was quite weird, though, because I was in the comedy club. I think it was a Thursday night and there was, I didn't even know he'd passed away.

Generally didn't know. And there was this, there was a big poster on the kitchen counter, which was like a tribute to him. Andre's just sneezing and he's decided to join me.

Come on in. Come in. He put in his light.

He wants to get up. I put my hands up and he puts his paws up and then he just lays on his back, expects me to crouch down and get him, which I do. Don't I? It was quite weird because one of the members of staff at the club, I said, what's that? And he looked at the thing.

He said, Zed's dead. Which is a line out of Pulp Fiction. Something like that.

And, or it's, you know, because Zed was one of the characters in Pulp Fiction. So I didn't know he'd passed. I didn't know.

I knew he was ill. Did not know. So he must have, I'd not been in there since the weekend.

Went in there on a Thursday evening or Friday evening and suddenly see that he'd passed away and stuff. I said, that's my friend. What, Zed? I said, yeah.

Zed who's dead? Is that your friend? I said, yeah. Can you please stop saying it? What? Zed's dead? Do you want to stop saying Zed's dead? Yeah. If you can please stop saying Zed's dead.

Oh, okay. And it's very weird. He was lovely.

Very lucky man. He used to, sometimes he'd go on stage. I'm sure he'd wear a tutu.

I'm sure you saw him go on stage wearing a tutu. You know the, don't mess with my tutu. Don't mess with my tutu.

I know you're with a woman. But don't mess with my tutu. Don't mess with my tutu.

Don't mess with my tutu. I know you're with a woman. But don't mess with my tutu.

I was born talking back. And you're talking back. Don't mess with my tutu.

Don't mess with my tutu. I know you're with a woman. Don't mess with my tutu.

Don't mess with my... Okay, I'll stop now. So he's now just basically laying on my lap as I scratch his neck. He likes it when I scratch his neck.

Do you like that, Andre? Do you like that? I applied for the NHS job and they turned me down. That's nice. I'll talk about that tomorrow probably.

I don't believe it. Wow. We've had, the email was, we've had so much interest in this job that we've had way more, I don't know what the word they used, but experienced or more suitable candidates than yourself.

But thanks, thanks for spending three hours putting that CV together. Yeah, lovely. Thanks anyway.

I'm beginning to wonder, I'm not nobody seems to want me no more. I thought a 49 year old, unemployed for five years person would be a catch for most employees, employers rather. Hello.

Hello. Can you give daddy kisses? Can you give daddy a kiss? You'd have loved Zed. Uncle Zed, you would have done.

Uncle Zed would have absolutely loved you. He'd have given you cuddles and kisses all day long. Yes, he would have done.

Yes, he would have done. Yes, he would. He'd have loved you just like everybody else does.

All right. That's, that's, that's kind of me for the day, I think. I don't know what time it is.

It's 2.20, 2.33, so I'm probably going to try and do a whisper recording, whisper hypnosis. I'm starting to realise that maybe this is kind of it for me in the sense of what I'm going to be doing. I think maybe I just need to focus on this, help as many people as I can online.

And because the thing is, if I, if I did get a job, I don't know if I'm ready. I don't. But, you know, I was thinking more because of what's going on and I wanted to support the NHS and, and if I did, if I hadn't got that, even as a volunteer, and they turned me down as a volunteer as well, I'd be making a lot less recordings.

So it perhaps wouldn't be a good thing for a lot of people that do kind of rely or depend or, I don't know if people rely or depend, but people that use this free service or find it useful. Anyway, I'm gonna go now and go and do some sit ups. Yeah, right.

Of course I am. And you take care of yourselves. Remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

Do something nice today for yourself. Lots of love. Bye.

Don't miss I'm out to you too. Don't miss I'm out to you too. I know you haven't but don't miss I'm out to you too.

I was born talking up anyway. Okay, I'm going now. Bye.

It's now or never. Come hold me tight. Use me my darling.

Be mine tonight. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day. It's now or never.

I love won't we. Night, night.