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Hello and welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. Please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes and this is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. It's a special edition.
This is the David Olivo edition. So it should start, Welcome to David Olivo's boring recording. Something like that.
So I promised uh I promised Lilith's son David that I would do a shout out for him and hope he's well. Hope that and of course your whole family are well during these strange times of ours. But to be fair you could say that any time of the year, any year in history.
Every year is a bit strange isn't it really? It's a little weird. You know it's uh just when you think you've seen everything something else pops up. So but we're not talking about that.
So David, David, David, David. I was speaking to Lilith on oh yeah I did a Facebook broadcast two nights ago and it was last night I forget. Not last night, night before.
It's weird because it's only about one o'clock in the morning but for me this is still the evening. Anyway I was talking to her and she was on Skype talking to me while I was on Facebook so that other people on Facebook could hear her and then I ended the Facebook broadcast and then I was talking to her and her son was on there as well, David. Hi David.
That was Andre. He's a big fan of Andre as are many people that listen to this podcast. Andre is the star and anytime I do uh I don't do many videos these days like video videos with my funny face on them.
I do the occasional Facebook live stream and it's occasional. I did it, done it a little bit more often recently and the only thing anyone really wants is to see Andre. They want to see that little furry cute face of his.
So I oblige and I get him on and he he loves being the center of attention. Absolutely loves it. So what I did today actually this is completely separate.
I got him a I had to get food so very weird, weird setup now but I need to go to the pet shop to get some food for Andre and I'm just thinking of the whole process which is very different to how it normally is which a lot of people will know about if they go out and shopping and I thought well I can't take him with me because I need to really get as much as I can so that I don't have to go out as often you know. So I got two boxes of whiskers with with um different meat selections and gravy but just the right amount of gravy. Now he likes go-cat but he also likes whiskers.
He prefers go-cat. That's his one of choice but they don't sell the go-cat with gravy in the pet shop. It's they've got um and they it's basically I'm getting excited about this.
I don't know why. I'll tell you what it is. I didn't make a recording yesterday because after doing uh the live broadcast and then speaking uh it's only for a short time I speak to Lilith and then David was there and had a little chat with Lilith and then came off off the internet and had a lay down and I walked out.
I took Andre for a walk later and then I kind of came home and I lay down. I went to sleep. I don't normally do that what I do do is maybe for an hour or two I get up and I make recordings and stuff.
Well I woke up at seven in the morning. I took my stomach tablet so I've got acid reflux. I take a tablet about an hour before I eat so I took the tablet.
If I wake up early to do a wee wee sometimes it's a poo poo but sometimes it's a wee wee. Usually it's a wee wee and I don't generally have to get up too often. It's usually once but I do drain every little bit of wee wee out of it before I go to sleep.
I'm jumping up and down and everything making sure that it's all empty. All the poison is out of the rattlesnake you know and so when I go to sleep and I wake up gotta go do a wee wee and I go back to bed. I'm not at the stage in my life where I'm getting up a few times a night which apparently does happen in kind of with age you know which is fine I don't care about stuff like that.
The only thing is I know what it's like because if I drink alcohol like lager which is very rare now I'll be I'll be going to the toilet probably every hour or so so I'll get no very little sleep. I'll just constantly be going and doing a wee wee and I remember someone said years ago is I always remember this I just found it funny. I think it was a girl or a woman actually said it to me said yeah it's fine the first pint of lager is fine isn't it.
You don't need to go to the toilet or anything. Then after the second pint something changes and it's like the seal breaks. The seal breaks and suddenly you just gotta keep going back to the toilet like every 20 minutes.
So yeah that's what it's like when I drink but as I said Oh I'm tired really I've been sleeping a lot. Maybe that's why I'm tired because I've been sleeping a lot. But the yeah the last time I actually had any useful amount of alcohol useful I mean it's in like enough to even give me any kind of feeling.
Alcoholic experience. Probably at my brother's funeral um wedding wedding there's wedding and I got drunk very drunk like really really really drunk but that's the only way I can do weddings. It's just weddings and uh and you might be thinking you're talking about getting drunk.
How can this be dedicated to a child called David? Okay perhaps I shouldn't talk about getting drunk. Um are we in? I'm still just going to talk about stuff I talk about but it's a shout out to David and to Lilith and to all the other children that Lilith has. I'm not saying Lilith has millions of children but she's got at least two that I know of I think and uh husband parents whoever the whole family welcome and hope you're keeping safe blah blah blah.
So I went to the pet shop. The story's too boring for me to even say out loud. I'm just as I go to say it I just start falling asleep because it's so tediously pointless to tell you about how I went to a pet shop to buy some pet food.
It's like how could that even my boringness is getting bored. So I went to the pet shop. Went to the pet shop.
Didn't take Andre because I had two bags with me. That's not the reason I didn't take Andre because their bags were empty. I wouldn't take full bags to a pet shop would I? I suppose unless I was returning something.
What would that be though? What could I return? Didn't like this cat litter. Tasted awful. I don't know.
What can you just... Too crunchy. Ruined my filling. Knocked three teeth out.
I don't know. What could it... What could you return? I suppose a crate. You know if I borrowed a crate or a wheelbarrow or a lorry.
Not that they have lorries but well not I mean I can't drive so that'd be a bit pointless. I mean I'd return it to them if they lent it to me. A lorry or a van but it'd just be me standing in the car park saying thanks for lending it to me.
You can have it back now and then looking at me saying well we'll just lend it to you. Are you going to use it? Said no I can't drive. So why did you ask to borrow it? Well I thought it'd sound good.
It'd be part of my story about going to the pet shop to buy some pet food. I thought it'd spice up the story and make it a little bit more interesting. But why do you want it to be interesting? Because it's not your boring podcast.
I said no it's my boring podcast not podscast. So how can you correct me on slurring a word when it's you the one that's doing the talking? I said I can do anything because it's me doing the talking. So um what the hell that noise was? It's very gorillary wasn't it? Very monkey.
So I keep losing myself. I keep forgetting. I keep thinking I'm in a job interview.
That's the best thing if you honestly if you'd never want to get a job. It's some good advice for David. If you want to stay unemployed like your uncle Jason.
So there's a few ways you can avoid getting the job. So if you get sent for a job interview and you just don't want to get the job but you know you have to go through the interview anyway. There's a few things you can do.
I'm departing. This is like me departing my wisdom to my own son. But I don't have a son.
So I'm going to pretend I don't have to. You can be like a godson kind of thing. You know like a what's the godson godparents mean? It doesn't mean anything but people that are godparents think it means something but it doesn't actually mean anything.
But don't tell them that because they think it means something but it don't mean nothing. It makes them feel like oh meaning. It's kind of like you know if you pick up a stick from the floor and you decide that it's a magical stick and if you carry it around you can if you say I want it to be sunny it becomes sunny or if I want it to rain it's going to become rain.
If you believe that and you carry that little magic stick around and you believe it, it has meaning for you even though it doesn't do anything. It's just a smelly old stick probably covered in dog poo. That's very much like being a godparent.
I'm joking. I'm in a weird mood today. Did you know that being a godparent is very much like a little stick covered in dog poo that you pretend can affect the weather magically? That's something you won't hear anywhere else.
It's a special kind of environment we have here and what would I say to my kid if I had a kid? Luckily I haven't but I'm not you know I think luckily for the kid really more than me I wouldn't want the child to inherit any part of me. Not quite soft hands I think that'd be but that's not necessarily going to give someone a great start in life. You know really soft hands especially if you're in an interview and they say what can you bring to this job in catering? What can you bring? Well my hands are soft and really really gentle.
Oh great unless you're getting a job as a tickler, a professional tickler then I suppose or a masseur. I did a massage person. I actually did train to be a massager masseur.
I don't know why I just call it massager that'd be a better better word and because I've got soft hands and I don't know I thought I was good at it. I think I was quite good at it. Got quite a good touch and I was massaging men and women because I was practicing on quite a few different people and it was they all seemed to be quite happy.
I went from doing massaging like a really slim man like really skinny or like a really like a petite lady to actually massaging a huge bodybuilder who was the gym instructor where I used to go and it was massive and I still managed to deal with him. I still managed to take take you know I mean because there's a lot of strength needed to massage someone with massive muscles but he seemed quite happy. He's yeah it's definitely I mean it was definitely if it was if I wrote a book about massages I think he would agree that was a happy ending to the book.
You know he felt relaxed and calm and because with the muscle because he was he was massive honestly. It was I think if he laid down in a field you could see him from space. You could you could see him from the space station or from the moon with a pair of binoculars because he was so so huge well perhaps wasn't that big but he um when we went to France I went to France with him and I said I'm confused to him.
He said what? I said where's the Eiffel Tower supposed to be here and he moved and he said it's there. He was standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. I couldn't see because he was so big and I said you know some people they put their finger they do like and it looks optically like they've actually got their finger or they're holding up the Eiffel Tower.
He actually physically held it up in his hand like really held it up. It annoyed some of the people that were on there at the time. So I went to the pet shop and if you want to get out of if you go for a job there's a few ways you can get out of getting the job.
One is you take your invisible dog with you so you sit down and every now and then well you could just put down a little bowl of water or you could take a bottle of water and a bowl and pour the water into a bowl for your invisible dog and explain to it it's for your dog or you could take some water but as well as the invisible dog you could have an invisible bowl just pour the water straight on the floor and just say that's for the in it's the invisible it's for the bowl
the invisible bowl for my invisible dog and if they still continue to want to interview you every now and then you just turn around say I said sit stop that stop licking that stop it and then just say carry on what you're saying what why do I want to be a surgeon when did I get my my my law degree yeah well and it's like you know it just that's a way of avoiding getting the job.
Other ways roll around in dog poo before you get there before you walk into the office so you get smart put you know put make a dress or suit whatever and get yourself all smart but then go to the nearest park find some dog poo it's probably better to collect it all up because otherwise you're going to look a bit silly if you like walking around rolling around in a little bit and then run into another bit and roll around that looks really silly from people that are watching the best thing is to collect it
all walk around collect it barefoot probably and collect it all and then spread it onto the floor and rolling around in it a bit like a rolling pin in dough as you're doing that yeah if you ever made cakes making cakes or making bread or you know when you've got the dough and the rolling pin it's very much like rolling around in poo with a suit on well maybe not exactly the same but you know or plasticine that's one way to avoid getting the job because you turn up and it's great or another thing you
can do is get yourself some muesli and just rub muesli all around your mouth so it's all in your teeth so you've got it like completely in your teeth all over and then walk in and just keep smiling every time you talk smile yes my name is Jason I mean you don't have to talk that way um but you can smile continue and if you if you trouble smile you can just pull your pull your lips up and pull your mouth apart so they can see all of the the bits and so that's that's good
I suppose you could walk in with an ice cream on your head but that seems a bit silly you know I mean it seems a little bit a little bit over the top other things yeah I had a job interview once and they said to me what yeah why why did you why did your last job end and I said I was caught stealing and they thought I was being serious I mean I was just joking I actually wanted the job I thought it'd be funny I I'm not 100% sure whether or not they found
it funny enough or not because I never heard from them again but I thought what a brilliant answer why did you well you know it's like anybody who wants to work in a bank who wants that what other things have I had yeah I got I had an interview as a carer in um and this is true it's totally true caring with vulnerable people and they said to me they said what would you do if one of the patients attacked you I'd say I'd punch him in the face and knock him out and they still
gave me the job seriously they actually gave me the job I said well because my thing is well if someone attacks me it's my natural response is just to him it's not you know if you want me to take someone down to the ground without hurting them you need to teach me that because my only way of putting something on the ground is by hurting them that's just I've not really been taught to do it without you know there are ways of doing it but I thought they'd teach me that but I thought if I
just be honest I couldn't believe they gave me the job so not all my techniques work but what other techniques are there um I did an interview with someone and I was the interviewee well I was the assistant interviewee at one of my insurance jobs and this young man he was there I think everyone should be given a chance you know especially when it comes to things like sales it doesn't matter what they look like especially if it's on the phone that you know I mean they might they might not have good clothes at the
moment uh so they might not have the best suit or the best you know they might but they you know give someone a chance that's that's how I kind of figure it out especially with sales because some people are so good at it that you know it's worth giving everybody a chance that's my personal opinion and um this this man was there and the the supervisor the team leader who's conducting the interview but I was there as well to maybe ask a few extra questions I was I suppose I was kind of a support team
leader I was a team leader I did act in team leader when the team leaders on holiday and stuff a little bit um um so I was there anyway I just sat there very fascinating to be on the other side and he the team leader said to him the interviewee the interviewer said to the interviewee a lot of people have pictures on their computer screens or maybe on the desk something to make motivate themselves so you know to maybe sell and to make money and he gave an example for himself he said I used to
have a picture of a car um for those who don't know what a car is it's a thing goes vroom vroom and Andre's just made a little appearance and done a massive poo on the paper I've got some stuff to tell you about Andre he's been naughty he's been naughty today seriously I'm not happy with him anyway and this so the team leader says to this interviewee yeah I used to have a picture of a car that I wanted to buy and some people have pictures of like a holiday destination that they want to go
on for a holiday which would be what holiday destination well that's what it used to be isn't it in the old days do you remember when we used to be able to travel and this bloke that the person who was being interviewed for the job said oh that's good and he introduced the team leader said what would you have and he said well my girlfriend wants a boob job so I'm gonna stick a big a picture of someone that's had a boob job on the screen of my computer now I thought that was funny I
thought I'll tell you what that showed me yeah so he should have got the job he didn't get the job which is I found annoying but I didn't have the say in it I didn't have I said give him a chance but the team leader didn't to me his response was so quick I was impressed with that because I wouldn't have thought of that and I like to think that in those situations I can be pretty quick sometimes you yeah quite often not always but very rarely it's never happened never been quick but I'm just
saying if it was if the if I had been quick I imagine I'd have been quite quick but I wasn't but you know if a situation had a reason where I had performed well I imagine I'd have performed quite well that's what I'm saying not saying I ever have had the opportunity to perform well I mean no one ever brags about performing badly do they still a performance you know still a performance and so yeah I thought it was really funny inappropriate fair enough I can't judge anyone for being inappropriate I mean in some ways
this is me watered down if I did a an adult version of this it would be very different it would be me being yeah so this is me being very family friendly I would say usually perhaps not always but I try to be I do I do try I mean please give me some some credit I do generally I don't really swear do I when I do these no I don't think so occasionally I might have done but generally I don't um I try and be a good boy I've even started washing my hands when
I go to a toilet I do I wash my hands when I do a poo admittedly I wash my hands before I do the poo but it's a start isn't it and um so I went to the pet shop I thought that this bloke actually deserved the job it's like okay it's inappropriate you know but he didn't say it to a woman you might say that's sexist he shouldn't say it to anyone fair enough that might be right I don't care but he he said it humorously he wasn't saying it in a kind of you
know he didn't pull out a magazine full of pictures and said I'm going to use that one that's the one I'm going to put on there and he wasn't dribbling you know I mean it wasn't it wasn't that kind of situation didn't start gyrating and dancing up and down the pole it wasn't you know it was quite um quite a normal interview you know he just didn't start up so wait a minute pulled out a tape recorder a CD player played some music and his girlfriend came in dancing and saying this is before now after
and another woman danced came in and no it was nothing like nothing like that happened very civilized but the team leader was not happy and I said well and the bloke went he said let's let's just have a chat about him I said all right he said no I don't think he's suitable and I said is it is it because you think he might might steal your girlfriend and sleep with your girlfriend he said but what I said well I mean like most of the other people that work in the office he said what and
I said oh no no nothing just forget that no um I think he's quite good he said no no can we go back to what you're saying he said no enough it's just a joke he said yeah talking about inappropriate jokes you're sacked no he didn't he didn't have the power to sack me plus I was better at him than the job not than his job but no he was quite good as a team leader actually I was a bit of salesperson in him never got a chance really to show my team leader skills not
properly but I think I'd have been really good at it or really bad at it or somewhere in between I'm very certain I would be there'd be a reaction of you know there'd be I'd have a level of competency some some level of or incompetency possibly there'd definitely be something I'm pretty um three percent certain that that would be there'd be something I'd be either good or perhaps not so good at being the team leader I think I'd have been all right you know I do worry though I don't worry I'm not you know I
mean I'm not like biting my fingernails thinking about it because it's the past it doesn't matter anymore because the past is gone that's the best part of it and the past is over we can always look forward to tomorrow because you can't but you can't look back to tomorrow can you you can only look forward to tomorrow which means you've always got something to look forward to so I decided to get two boxes of whiskers cat food for Andre and two bags of dry food and it came to 42 pound or something I think it
was and I also got this lead like this extension lead so that he can it's probably about a good 20 foot but I'll tell you about that in a minute because he was naughty with it I mean just it's the whole saying is give someone an inch and they'll leave you no give someone an inch and they'll take a mile that's it um give someone an inch and they'll leave you be your best friend give someone an inch they they won't want it um but it's kind of his lead is see I'm not a tallest
person but even tall people have arms usually and hands and stuff so even if you're tall your hands are going to be fairly close we're not close to the ground not as in not knuckles aren't going to be just dragging along the ground and let's show a neanderthal and but your hands are going to be exposed around your knees aren't they so even someone that's because I'm about six foot nine and so someone let me seven foot five sort of taller than me would be their hands or their knees I'm going to be that much
higher than my knees especially if I bounce up and down so the lead is quite low down unless I raise my hand up than a lead I guess it's higher isn't it if I raise it above my head that would probably lift on the way off the ground that gives you an idea of the length of the lead it's not that long but this new extension actually allows it to be longer because the lead is longer with it I'm trying to think what other ways of getting um oh yeah this this is bloke going out
with someone at this uh company I worked at no this this female was going out with this bloke boyfriend girlfriend and there was a local pub that we always used to go to which was I don't know two minute walk from the office because if you sit down all day the last thing you want to do is walk so we go to the pub and the lady who stayed in this person that was quite prominent in the company because he was a team leader went upstairs to the toilet I wasn't watching her movements to be
fair I did in the office because I liked her but you know this was just I was just drinking and talking to people and then someone else went upstairs or whatever anyway suddenly the whole bar went quiet not the bar itself but there wasn't actually a bar it was um the pub the people in the pub and there wasn't a bar standing there drinking you know and then suddenly this was a bunch of people and everyone stopped and said look at that I was looking around why has everyone gone quiet and they were all looking
up at a screen and there was a big tv screen a security monitor above the bar which had cameras showing the toilets not inside the toilets but just outside the toilets because a men's toilets and a woman's toilets but there was a bit and I think there was a chair there as well where people I guess waited for their friends and stuff in fact upstairs was much nicer than downstairs anyway I everyone was watching and those two were upstairs having kissy kisses on a big television that wasn't a huge television but it was definitely big
enough for everyone to see which meant it couldn't have been that small mind you I suppose everyone could see from their eyes couldn't they it wasn't the size of a house the screen it was in my memory because remember memories aren't correct anyway generally so but it's you know I kind of had this memory and it was there and I think it was black and white so it wasn't um yeah I think it was there wasn't a color image I think but anyway it showed them two having kisses and it was just uh oh and
everyone was just transfixed there wasn't nothing happened there wasn't anything um arrestable that occurred but it was definitely a a misadventure of sorts so that started the old gossipers in fact it wasn't even gossip it was like well probably 15 people saw this 15 people that worked in that office and they didn't know she didn't know he didn't know and they came down and no one said anything to them I thought it was more a case of uh oh I don't know really what to say and uh I was just there laughing I think I
probably thought of something funny in my head the weird thing about it at the time I was in love with this with this girl this lady so I didn't add that did I actually so I was annoyed the idea of anyone kissing her and I was annoyed of the fact that she was dating this other person but I still didn't get involved did not get involved at all but uh it's horrible seeing someone you like kissing someone else that's why I don't like seeing Brad Pitt kiss people Brad you're mine so then what happened this
is a long long time ago and they all moved on from this so I don't think it's uh plus I'm not going to mention any names not yet and it was in the office it probably the next day this might have been a Friday and on a Monday suddenly someone told him her boyfriend about this and it was it was like a little dramatic scene very overacted very overacted and um yeah it was quite interesting that's the whole story really and this person made a big scene and started shouting and all this stuff on the
on the the dance floor the sales floor ironically he's the one that wouldn't give that other person a job because he didn't think he might not be suitable inappropriate well shouting swearing threatening that's inappropriate isn't it isn't it strange how it works out but yeah the good thing well not a good thing really but he he did meet this really lovely lovely woman that worked there as she I think she was in his team and he impregnated her and uh I think they had 52 children I think she was lovely but as a person just
everything she was really nice I liked her a lot and I remember once she was waiting outside for him in her car I think she she might have been on maternity leave I don't know I don't care enough to really track my brain back to figure it out but she was waiting outside and I just got into the car into the driver's seat to the passenger seat I said all right darling let's go I put the seatbelt on and everything and he just started laughing he said he'll be out in a minute I said why
would he have trust issues it's not like any of his girlfriends are cheated oh yeah so yeah it was um I didn't really think it through but that's okay I thought it'd be funny imagine him coming out and seeing me in a in a car with his girlfriend yeah what else happened there that was mildly interesting I remember once there was uh they had this big part of the office that hadn't been filled yet because they were taking on loads of new staff which is how I got my job I think and the this is
about April 2002 March April May 2002 they were taking on lots of new people and we were taking back my team were taking all the way back to the other side of the there's an empty part of the office big empty part that ended up being full and I suppose it had to be empty in order to be full or had to be full at some time point in order for it to be empty otherwise it'd just be an office wouldn't it or space I guess I suppose it had to either in the past or
in the future to be something in order for it to not be that I don't know mind you a Mars bar is not off his finger so it might not make sense unlike most of the things that I talk about so he takes us back to the uh Paradise City and takes us back to this uh the office bit and he's saying I've got great things gonna be happening and me and my friend we're looking at each other just try not to laugh it just it was kind of uh I don't know when someone's enthusiastic
when someone's being enthusiastic on my behalf I find it a little bit funny especially when it comes to money because I suppose I've never been money orientated um hugely I like being good at sales and earning well I knew that I wasn't earning anything like what I was worth because I was selling half a million pounds worth of car insurance a year and I was getting paid like 24 grand you know so to me I wasn't getting paid what I was worth I should have been getting paid at least 10 percent I think as a
salesperson should be at least 10 percent maybe higher a minimum of 10 percent so I should have had 50 grand a year coming in in any other sales job you know if you sell cars if you sell boats double glazing you get a percentage commission anyway I should have bought that up at the time but I didn't and they said uh he said oh we've got this new scheme it's really complicated structure so you know you had to you had to sell 15 policies to even get a bonus the 15 policies meant basically you've earned
your basic wage which was 12 and a half grand a year and they changed it depending on how busy it was so if it was really busy they put the minimum up to maybe 17 if it was really quiet and no one was really doing much business they might put the the minimum down to maybe 12 for the week but an average would be 15 that's the standard and 15 wasn't it wasn't it difficult to get 15 generally that's new scale where you'd get if you sold breakdown cover uh two breakdown covers would be the
equivalent of one sale one normal sale and blah blah blah and it went on and on and on and if you if you got over a certain amount then you get other another points and points what it makes points make big big big prizes make prizes so uh we and we kind of just finished and I said okay I get back to work I mean my friend both looked at each other and we both knew because there's no furniture there it's completely empty space we both knew we had to do synchronized cartwheels which is what
we did a bit of cartwheel and then little roly polies and uh apparently it didn't go down very well with the the manager for some reason but I thought it was a good way to express our excitement he didn't seem to think that and uh which is a bit strange but uh if you're pretty good at something you can get away with more especially in sales if you because quite often sales companies will get through a lot of people in order to find ones that can do it and it's not even that they're good at
sales sometimes it's just not everybody can hack the constant no the constant go away on the telephone and it's definitely it's a tolerance that not everybody has and I was able to most of the time not always but uh generally deal with that and um very strange very weird weird kind of job to have it was like you know it was like having a really really bad relationship an argumentative partner then going to work and then phoning them every 10 minutes or having them phone you every 10 minutes to continue the argument and the argument
continues maybe half an hour then you hang up maybe two three minutes later perhaps you have a cup of coffee have a quick poo and then they call up again and you continue the argument that's can sometimes seem like what sales is like then occasionally you get the odd conversation where they're your partner's in a good mood for whatever reason maybe you just won a lottery or I don't know realized that you are wonderful after all who knows who knows so it's it's a numbers game I was taught that from my very first sales guru
back when I was 18 he he was a proper full-on salesman he used to he was in the RAF during the second world war um absolutely full of rubbish he was just came out the most outlandish stuff he had an old RAF um moustache you might think well what's weird about that what was weird about that well it wasn't his he carried it around in a pocket and uh he had apparently it was his friends and he or his wives and he had this big gap in between his teeth sometimes he'd put his um dentures
in sometimes he didn't and the gap was about four across so the first four teeth and he always smiled because he was a salesman he had that patter and that old-fashioned kind of always smiling big bushy eyebrows smiling but he had no teeth um and uh there's nothing wrong having no teeth I'm not you know um I might be there myself one day so I'm not bothered if I have no if I had a I wouldn't care I generally don't care about stuff like that it's uh as long as the way I see it is
I can't always be a supermodel it's gonna come a time when I'm not gonna be the supermodel that you know today you know so I'm happy to age gracefully and to step down from you know the mental of being the most beautiful man ever I realized I can't hold on to that forever I might pass that down I've passed the chariot down to someone else and he had this big massive and it's a wiggling tongue he's because he couldn't stop talking so even when he was yawning it's still his tongue was still waggle seriously and
it's small and you can see his tongue wiggling it out is inside his mouth because he was still he was still thinking and his tongue was still like waggling talking but you couldn't actually hear anything and it's very funny he was very funny and he taught me he taught me a few things about sales and I was really interested in sales and my job was to knock on people's doors as a window double glazing canvasser so my particular job was just to knock on people's doors any evening or late afternoon and say hello I'm from
wishmore windows do you need any windows being done or conservatories and they would say no and shut the door on me and knock on the next door no I'm calling from oh don't worry I don't want your money you know I just I'd start ad-libbing making things up saying don't worry I'm not a debt collector or I think sometimes I say don't worry I'm not your daughter's new boyfriend calm down and that sometimes made them laugh and apart from the ones whose daughters were like three they didn't find that funny but I just it was
kind of trying to break the ice you know and don't worry I'm not not your wife's your wife's boyfriend and so I used to just try and break the ice a little bit so what I noticed what I noticed was I started to become more confident within myself now that confidence was taken away when I stopped doing the job and I moved to London and I was doing a really horrible job for very little money with no human contact other than at work and my confidence kind of like went down quite a huge amount but
I would say my most confident was probably then one of my most confident periods when I was 18 and possibly when I was at Butlins and also when I was a DJ those are probably my most confident periods so I was doing this I was knocking on people's doors and the best advice I ever got from my his name was Jeff my boss and he was my friend as well I really I did really like him I was he was um yeah he was he was he used to feed me you gotta like someone that
gives you free food you know and he knew that I lived on my own I rented a room that was only across the road from where he lived it was probably a five minute walk and he knew that I wasn't eating you know I'd eat out all the time I had breakfast but there was no it was like a family house plus there was blood loads of people living there couldn't really get in the kitchen to do anything and so I would just be eating pizzas in the evening and stuff and I was earning okay
money it was the most money I'd ever earned in my life up to that point because I was only working three four hours a day and sometimes I'd be taking home 150 quid a week 200 quid a week and because we were working for three three different companies all in one at the same time it was I was all down to my boss being dodgy really to be fair but so we went out and the thing he taught me was I think one of the things he said you he saw me as you you're never
too old to get arrested no no he didn't teach me that he said you're never you're never too old to do things because he was even then I think he was at least 97 in human years I don't think it was he was about 70 I'm pretty sure he was about 76 he wasn't an old he wasn't a young person you know back then he might have been in his 60s but he was definitely way past retirement age and he always dressed really smartly always had his hair greased back and his moustache in his top
pocket you know just you know his friend's moustache and he always was really smart he had a car he was a bit of a chain smoker to be fair but he still lived a long life and he's not around anymore but he he said to me you're not Walt Jason I said well I said is is the uh is the secret to sales I said okay then Jeff what is it he said the secret to sales is this I said your knee the secret of sales is your knee he said no I'm just having to
be pointing my finger towards my knee it's arthritis it's got nothing to do with that it's uh don't make fun of arthritis you're actually you're 79 I said well what's going to happen he said I don't know I said this is a weird conversation even for for this for us he said yeah I know anyway here's what you've got to know about sales it's a numbers game it's a numbers game I said what do you mean because I was a bit a bit worried because mathematics wasn't my favorite topic he said uh it's a numbers
game knock on enough houses someone's going to say yes phone enough people up someone's going to say yes walk up to enough people in the street and ask them for a date someone's going to say yes ask enough people in the street if they can let give you 10 pound or five pound eventually someone's going to say yes it's a numbers game my son he didn't say that it was quite posh actually he talked like this that wasn't really posh it's more like a dalek wasn't it it's a numbers game and it's true absolutely true
and if you keep hold of that remembering it's a numbers game and never give up every person in sales will succeed and the other thing you ask for the business the thing the first thing three things he said it's a numbers game you ask for the business always ask for the business regardless of what they say even if they tell you that I hate you ask for the business and thirdly when they say yes stop talking that's it those are the three things that he gave to me and I've just given you if you've never
done sales and I realize I might not have like a particularly young audience people that are just starting out or whatever but anyone that's not done sales that's the secret and be nice you know I could I could go into a call center and I could train the sales people not in how to sell their product not any of that stuff but in attitude I could train and I wouldn't I wouldn't go anywhere near the people that are already doing it well that's what some companies make mistakes and I've had that don't try and teach
your top sellers how to sell they already know how to do it because they're doing it put them into sales training and the very very least they're going to be annoyed that happened with my last sales job put me in sales training and then they said we're going to be monitoring everyone and you have to do exactly what the sales trainer said asking questions in that way rather than doing it the way I was already doing it and the way I was already doing it was successful and I hadn't really even reached my peak at
that point but I got a bit old so I didn't get a chance so I could walk I could go into a sales office didn't matter if there was 10 or 1000 people working in there take a bit longer than a thousand people probably because getting around to them all but leave the ones that are good and teach the ones that need help within one week god it sounds like a sales pitch but I guarantee because I've done it I did it with people there's a difference between people that are really bad at the job
and people that are okay the ones that will always have a job they might not be earning huge commissions but they will always have a job because they're good at it they're good enough and they're getting enough sales and they're competent the difference between someone that's not getting hardly any sales and someone that's getting sales and then there's a big difference a big leap towards those and the ones that are really really good I could move someone from the bottom to the middle within one week just by telling them one thing I'm not going to
tell you what it is and it's not like I know where you live give me your credit card number I don't mean that it's there's a different it's a there's a certain thing that I know it's not just me that knows it but it's really really simple I should set myself up as a sales trainer I should know I wouldn't even know how to do it I should do it I should set myself up as a sales trainer and say look I'll come in I'll train your sales people you don't pay me nothing until you
get results that's it give me an hour let me just spend a week working or not work with the top people the deal is anyone that's good at what they're doing leave them alone let them get on with it they already know how to do it and if they're going for a rough patch they'll still come out of it and be really good again everyone goes for you know a patch of might be something going on at home or whatever give me the ones that are doing very well sales wise not performance not not like
competency because I'm not going to help them to do that they need to know what they're doing I'm not going to help them to learn the product they have to do that themselves or the computer system they have to do that themselves that's up to the trainers to teach but from going from not being not selling hardly anything to selling an adequate amount is a really it's a huge jump for them it's a huge jump for the company huge boost if any sales companies you get all the ones at the bottom to the middle so
that they don't have to sack the ones at the bottom they go through the whole process of taking on new people advertising and you know in some the company I used to work for they didn't like to advertise but they like to get their staff to get new people in friends and that and if the person stayed for three months they would pay that person 500 pound for getting them a new member of staff because it's expensive to to get people you know to advertise and all of the process so even if I got paid
just 500 pound for the week just the cost of recruiting one person or the cost of sacking one person to the company not to the person themselves I've just taught myself into a new career yeah baby yeah plus I'd be able to talk rubbish all day that's the perfect job for me isn't it I could talk rubbish all day plus there's always going to be sales jobs I might do this you know ah so I'm in a pet shop and I get the person outside he says do you know what you want because we can
get it for you take it to the counter or or you can obviously if you want to browse you can browse but we you know we've got a big queue of people waiting to get in and there was a lady there and she didn't go to the back of the queue she just stood there a little bit away from the man and I said I looked behind me I said look um I'm not in a hurry really if anyone's needs to get to work or anything you're welcome to go in front of me because I
am obviously a saint and the other lady that just turned up said I can't be at work at 12 I said what time is it she said quarter to 12 I said I don't care and um then I looked I said I'm joking I said well I'm happy for you to go in front of me but it's up to the three people behind me if they're okay and they they nodded well I didn't look at I didn't listen to what they said but so she went in and then I next I let the next person
go in as well and then eventually I thought I better go in and uh there was probably about seven eight people waiting when I got out and I wasn't in there for a long time you know it's just two boxes walked around got the two boxes of cat food two boxes now I got the two bags of dry food first then I got the two boxes of cat food I put them on the counter so can I also get the lead because I'd already been in previously two days ago and but didn't have the money
to pay for the didn't the debit card didn't work and I had two bags but the the boxes wouldn't go into the bags flat so I had to put them like uh standing up but then I put the bag of dry food next to it it was like a little like little twins little twin bags and then I put the the new lead of his into one of the bags and then I think it came to I don't know 42 pound or something like that so I just I didn't really look at how much stuff
was because I knew I needed to get it and I thought if I get two boxes and there was one two three four five I think six packs six boxes in each pack so two packs I think I think there's uh I think there's like 48 in each one so it's 48 times by two 40 80 40 80 48 40 80 96 so it's 96 days worth of food three six so yeah it's over over three days uh worth of food for him no you just said it's three months it's over if he's not yeah
it's still over three days up isn't it I'm not lied it is over three days yeah it's three months yeah but three months it's still over three days oh my brain no so I did that I came out I said be well be safe you know to the lady and she said get out don't you ever come back I said sorry she said put your trouser back on I said okay but you try and be nice to people I do my best I just wanted to show to her that I was clean I wanted everyone
you know but never mind I went out I walked back the bags were quite heavy but they were balanced a little bit different a little bit unbalanced because the lead was in one of the bags but it wasn't heavy but it's still because my lower back uh plays up when I lift stuff around so I've still got the strength to lift things but it's the it's more the after effect rather than during if that makes sense it's yeah yeah so I I walk back and I get home I'm pretty sure Andre tries to get out
the door as soon as I get in but I stop him and I'm just moving stuff around so I'm putting the boxes I take all the packs out of one one of the packs so all the individual packs out of each one I think there's 12 24 6 12 6 6 6 6 6 6 12 24 6 12 6 12 24 5 I don't know anyway there's quite a few I took them out so I entered each box into the I've got this special big it's not huge but it's a tub with sealed like a
top where I put his packets sachets of cat food in and it's in the bathroom it's not it's not in the toilet or anything it's not in the bath so you know yeah I'm not you know it's not there by keeping the sink it's don't stand on it to brush my teeth you know I actually have it in a cupboard I suppose it used to be the airing cupboard because in the old days there used to be those big airing things that they where the boilers was and people used to air their clothes I don't
really understand the concept but used to be quite popular thing in the 80s maybe 90s even now it's just a cupboard so I've got his big plastic container full of his food and I've also got another plastic container in here that's sealed which has got his dry food in so I emptied one of the bags into there first of all I emptied the content so that there's only a little bit left into his bowl for dry food filled that up to the top of one of the bags just the right amount and not to make
me happy and satisfied but just to fill the plastic container and then I put the plastic bag into the recycling bin I've got which is on top of the freezer and it's also a sealed container and then I kind of broke up all the different boxes and put them in there then I put the other big pack into the cupboard and I put the other the plastic thing on top and the other dry food bag next to it as well and I closed the cupboard because I had to open the door to do it first
and otherwise I wouldn't be able to get the stuff in without opening the cupboard unless I saw the hole in the door or remove the door I suppose or suddenly had some kind of magical see-through hands I don't think that would be right but you know I could go put my hand through things and if I could put my...
well to be fair if I could walk through doors and walls and stuff like that I wouldn't be focusing on getting cat food I'd be having more interest in things than that so Andre just did a big whistle he's I don't know if I ever told you Andre snores he does he goes sometimes I think he's laughing at me in his sleep but yeah so I brought the stuff home and that was it and there's nothing more else to say I don't think about that but I was sweating at the end of it and there's
a lot of activity a lot of physical movement and I suppose I'd just come out after it wasn't cold but it wasn't warm and I really didn't want to do it but I got it done because I knew it wasn't going to be I didn't think it was going to be like a happy memory it was just going to be one of those things that just needed to be it was a task so I got it done and I'm glad I did because now I don't have to go back there for a couple of months
at least it depends how long the dry food lasts really but was it now March near the end of March in fact it's Friday tomorrow and it's the last day of March on Tuesday because it's 31 days in this month I know this because Wednesday is when it's the first of April and that's when a load of money goes out of my bank account for bills and TV license and council tax and the internet broadband so a big chunk of cash has to go out so I know I need to have money in now for
that day so I know it's on the first is on the Wednesday so it's a very long month this month but it's Friday now it's not tomorrow it's today Friday is today then we've got Saturday and Sunday and Monday and Tuesday which means Tuesday is 31st Monday would be the 30th Sunday would be the 29th Saturday would be the 28th and Friday would be the 27th so it's the 27th of March today so I'm just trying to think perhaps I should count out the packets tomorrow so let you know for sure exactly the amount that
there are because that might because just those listening might really kind of need to know plus it gives you something to look forward to for tomorrow something extra I mean because yes I should be able to what April May 20 this is 27th today 27th of March 27th April 27th of May 27th of June so there's a possibility that I won't need to buy any more cat food for Andre until I've forgotten how 27th of April 27th of March no 27th of April 27th of May 27th of June so maybe the 1st of July will
be the next time I need to buy him cat food and by then hopefully the shops will be normally I get deliveries so Iceland I'll buy him his go-cat yeah go-cat isn't it yeah go-cat with gravy and I might buy a couple of packs sometimes I'll buy four packs depends and then I'll just stock up for the next couple of months and that's good because they're quite heavy to carry around especially especially when they're heavy and so yeah so by July it should be all sorted I should be able to do that so it's one
less thing but I do have to collect my prescription and that's a whole new episode so I'll probably talk to you all about that because I kind of need to do it today but I'm sure if I really fancy it if I'm honest anyway thank you very much for listening and remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy do something nice do something nice lots of love bye
Paragraph spacing and recurring name or title errors have been tidied. Because this began as a voice transcription, an occasional word or piece of punctuation may still be incorrect.