#381 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (20th April 2020)

Hello and welcome to Jason Newland dot com. My name's Jason Newland and this is Let Me Bore You to Sleep. Please only listen when you can safely close your eyes.

And that's it really. The point of these podcasts really is for me to bore you to sleep. That really kind of is it.

So sometimes I'll talk about stuff and sometimes I'll talk about stuff, you know, it just depends. And yeah, that's all. You can download, listen, stream, download for free everything that I do and have done.

When I say everything I've done, I'm talking about recordings. And on my website, you can download them individually. Or if you want, you can download bulk downloads of 50 recordings each download.

And they're at the top of the page of the website. And they're also free as well. Yay.

If you want to help to cover the costs of this free service, or you just like to send me a gift, please go to paypal.me forward slash Jason Newland. The link's on my website in the menu. And also, I'm also trying to raise money for the NHS charities, which is the hospital charities to support people during the coronavirus, the healthcare workers and stuff, nurses, doctors, healthcare workers.

And so to donate to that, you need to click on the link. It's a big image on the it's on every single page of my website, also the top of the website as well. It's a big picture of someone with a face mask on, which is nice.

And that'll take you to my Just Giving page. That's the only way to donate. To that, if you want to donate, that's the only way.

But if you send me a gift, a PayPal gift, then that's my PayPal gift. And I'm putting that towards my yacht. My yacht.

Blimey. I wonder if I could buy in a yacht, I could probably, if I get enough money, I could probably pay for a a pillow or a cushion for the yacht settee, the sofa. Yeah, baby.

So things are going quite well, actually. Things are going quite well. In a sense of getting more people listening to my podcasts.

The last couple of weeks, it might be due to having more people at home. And I thought the last thing people want to do is be bored. But it's not just this podcast I listen to.

They listen to the Deep Sleep Whisperer, the Relaxation for Stress, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, which is pretty much the most popular podcast I've got now, on a daily basis. So I get over 1000 plus people listen and download, stream every day, just on that podcast. I'm getting nearly 5000 a day all across the board, across the board.

So thank you, everybody, that's listening to this. I do appreciate. I do appreciate you.

Yeah, I do. Because without you listening, there'd be no point me doing it. And without me doing this, there'd be very little point me getting out of bed, I think.

I have to find another reason. So I've got a couple of messages I want to read out. So if you want to send me messages, you can send me a message via my website.

Or you can just send directly to Jason Newland at hotmail.co.uk. Also want to say a thank you to Martha for, wait a minute, no, yeah, that's weird. My email's not showing. It's only showing up to Saturday.

What about, oh, yesterday was Saturday, it was Sunday. Receipt via payment. How strange.

Well, basically, I received a PayPal gift from Martha. Thank you very much. So according to this, let me just check.

No, actually, I don't need to do stuff, I can just do facial recognition. Keep forgetting that. Cancel.

Oh, you know what's happened? What I've done is I went to log into PayPal. But I started putting the face, the login password, and it just didn't do it. So I've got enough to cover the cost of the podcast, which comes out on, I think the 25th.

So that's really groovy. And so thank you very much, honestly. So I paid for the website, which was a couple of days ago.

And the podcast, which is a lot more, 70 to $73. That's, there's enough in a PayPal account to cover that as well. So thank you very much.

I very much appreciate it. And it means I can keep the horrible adverts away. Adverts, I get fed up with adverts.

Actually, I don't like them myself. So also had a message from someone. Where is it? We'll get on with this.

We're waiting around for you to start recording and you're just messing around with your phone. Little secret. This is the recording.

This is the whole thing. Wow. I seem to have lost stuff.

Click on unread. Oh, so I click on unread. I found the stuff because I'm reading it on my laptop.

I'm not reading the emails on my phone. It's not showing them on my phone unless I click on unread. Blimey.

Wow. So I got a message. And this is from Ryan Rowley.

I said Ryan, then I shouldn't say his name. Ryan. Ryan Smith.

It says, Hello, Jason, been listening to your podcast on Spotify for two months. And I've been listening every night since. Love the Boy You Do Sleep and the Relaxation Hypnosis podcasts.

Really has helped me on a night to get to sleep. So massive thank you for that. Also makes me smile when I hear you talk about Andre, especially when he's scratching at the door.

Haha. Not funny when you hear him scratching at the door. It's not.

It's annoying. Keep up the great work, mate. You're helping so many people.

Take care, Ryan. Thank you, Ryan. That's a lovely message.

Thank you very much. It's nice to hear some feedback. And I'm sure I had another message somewhere, but I can't remember where it is.

I'm starting to take a bit more notice. No, I can't see anything. I don't mind.

Oh, well. So is a new thing about Andre. Crafty little fella he is, as I guess I probably already established.

A new thing. I sleep during the day. I'm up at night making recordings.

It's the quietest period plus a bit of a night owl generally. And the only reason I didn't stay up at night for most of my adult life or even my childhood is because I had to get up during the day, go to school, go to work. But for those periods when I did work at night, do night shift, I had a few night shift jobs over the years.

I kind of prefer it. One of the reasons is it's easy to get out of bed when you don't have to. I don't know if you when you get out of bed before your day starts or no, what's the right word? If you, yeah.

So if you go to work like two hours after you get out of bed, then that puts the pressure, doesn't it? You have to get out of bed. But if you decide to get out of bed, but you don't, you know, let's say it's five o'clock or four o'clock in the afternoon, but you don't actually start work till 10, it means you can have a lay-in. You know, if you don't get up till six or seven or eight, it doesn't matter.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps it does. It depends, I suppose, on particular circumstances. Oh man, I had a headache today.

Yesterday. Ridiculous, just, and it wouldn't go away. And I thought, I just remember, I took some tablets.

I don't normally get headaches. It's not a regular thing for me. It's quite rare.

It's a little bit debilitating because it means that I can't do things with my eyes, which sounds like a weird statement. What do you do with your eyes? I mean, you know, like reading books, reading the screen, watching telly, it's all a little bit, not so much fun. I don't wrestle with my eyes, do I? What shall I do? Do baking with my eyes? No, I look at things.

And there's no need for that harshness. I apologize. I'm sorry.

Sometimes I get so angry. So angry. Anyway, I went to lay down.

And I just remembered that I can do hypnosis. And I can actually reduce, I can get rid of this chronic pain and get rid of headaches. I forgot about it.

And the only reason I remembered, because I'm lying there and I'm thinking, I think about the headache and I'm thinking, you know what? I should make a recording. Getting rid of headache, you know, recording and make a recording and get rid of my own headache at the same time. Blimey, did you hear that? He's snoring.

What a weird noise. He's probably dreaming. He's only literally just gone back to sleep.

He was, when I started this recording, he was awake. Running around following me, thinking I was going to take him out at 2.35 in the morning. You know, the amount of people that don't really understand what I do or don't really, really kind of get.

And they're usually the people that I know in real life, completely goes over their head of what I do and why I do it. And they sort of say, how can you make sleep sessions when you're awake all night? Yeah, I'm not awake all night because I can't sleep. That's a difference.

I can sleep day or night. Sleeping is not an issue for me. I don't say that in a bragging way.

I say that just in a factual way. And I've had problems with sleeping in the past that I have. But occasionally I do.

And if I'm going through a, yeah, if I'm going through a mind racy period, so let's say a bit more of an up mood than is comfortable, then I'm in a very lucky position to not have to just lay there. So I don't. I have done and I thought, well, what's the point? I could be doing some work right now.

I could make a recording. I could do something, you know, on a computer, create something. So they just lay in there.

Or if I actually thought about it, why don't I use my own techniques on myself? I think sometimes I find it a little bit harder with the, when it's my own brain and other people's brains are just really easy. But my brain, no, I don't know what it is. It's a, I suppose like a doctor telling all his patients, don't smoke, don't smoke.

And then, you know, in his break time or her break time, like having a cigarette. It's still saving people's lives and helping people and, you know, giving really good advice. They're just maybe not following it themselves.

I actually said that as a young lady who I used to work with in insurance, and she contacted me on Facebook and we've gone past to being Facebook friends. You know, there's a, I'm not sure what the rules are, but you can be friends on Facebook. But if you don't see the person and have nothing, no part of their life at all, eventually one of you seems to sort of delete the other person or unfriend.

That seems to happen with me. Often it's me doing the undeleted, but I really liked her as a friend. She was cool and I really just liked her, you know, lots of different ways.

When I first knew her back in 2002, can you believe it? Anyway, about five years, six years ago, she contacted me. You can tell I'm old. I'm talking about things that happened six years ago, like it was last week.

Don't tell us about stuff that happened six years ago. That was like a quarter of my life away. It's weird, isn't it? But not for me.

I wonder what percentage of my life six is. Six? I'm not 60, so it's not 10%, but I'm not 30, so it's not 5%. No.

Told you I was quite low down in maths. If I was 60, six years would be 10% of my life. If I was 30, it'd be 20% of my life.

So you're looking at probably 15% of my life, six years, probably less, maybe 12%. Six, 12, 24, 48. Actually, it's quite easy to work out.

I'm 49, so 48, it's 7%. 7% of my life? That's not right, is it? Yeah, 7%. Seven, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

8% of my life. Six years, so 8%. Eight, 16, 13, 18.

I don't know. So eight, 16. See, I wasn't lying.

I normally do, but I wasn't then. But it's not much of my life. Anyway, six years ago, she contacted me and she said, well, she wrote down, I think it was like after Christmas period.

She probably like, I'm saying the word like now, I get very young. It was like this, it's like, it's like, it's like, like, you know, it's like. I just assumed that she'd bloomed up a bit over Christmas because of eating.

And that's why she contacted me, said I want to lose some weight and I bloomed up over Christmas. See, it wasn't me being rude. That's what she told me.

It isn't what she told me, but you're never going to know, are you? You were just going to, you've got to take my word for it. She didn't say that to me at all, because I told you she did. See, you just believe me.

Unless of course you believe the part when I said she didn't. Yeah, I should have left that bit out. Anyway, I really wanted to see her because I liked her and I was, she's sort of someone from the past that I'd like to, I don't know, she was 19 when I first met her, I think, said 18, 19 and I was early 30s.

So I don't know, she's just gotten really well with her. She was really good seller and she was a bit crazy, like, you know, going out and having fun, you know, a teenager basically, just having, enjoying herself. But I just really liked her and I kind of almost would like to see what she's like now as a grown woman, which is definitely a woman then, but what she was like, we think she's at least 12 years younger than me.

So I'm 40, I was 44 when she contacted me. She was 12 years younger than me, 34, 32. So she was the age I was when I first met her.

Yeah, I thought it'd just be interesting to see what, not to see what she looked like. You know, it was just rushed for her to send a picture, that would have been easier, wouldn't it? But not that, just to see what she was like as a person. And the part of the reason I say this is because I had a little cousin who we used to go to, I used to see her at weekends.

She was my dad's, her mom was my dad's sister. So we used to see each other every now and then and she was around the same age as me. Her older sister was around the same age as my brother.

And we used to come, they used to come here and we'd sometimes visit them. And, you know, it was fun. We sort of used to play with each other and it was quite nice.

And I knew of her, I knew, that was when I was probably about 8, 9, 10, 11, you know, through those years. I also shared my 18th birthday with her and I hadn't seen her for a while. As it turned out, she's like a supermodel.

I know, you know, you're not supposed to fancy your cousin, but I did. So there you go, I fancied her. And I just, maybe it's because I was 18 and I was nearing being a man, because I was not a man at 18.

I'm not sure if I'd class myself as a man now, but I definitely was not a man at 18. I was still a boy, still a boy. I think I turned into a man probably about two months ago, I'd say.

So I know, you know, I woke up and voice had broken. I looked down, I said, what's that? What's that? I couldn't believe it. Someone else in the supermarket queue said, that's pubic hair.

Everyone gets it, but I don't think it should be shown here. So, okay, oops. It's itchy.

And it was, I couldn't talk to her. And, you know, I got a number, I wanted to sort of try and be friends, you know, sort of, because we used to go really well, but I hadn't seen her for a couple of years. Could not communicate with her at all.

There was no, and I don't know, I'm not putting it down to her, it's probably me, but just, just struggled. Didn't see her for years and years and years. And then when she was in her thirties, well, we were both in our thirties and I met her and we got on like best mates.

I literally really, I haven't seen her for quite a while. She actually held my hand at my man's funeral. So I just, you know, she's sort of, I think if she was closer, I would, I felt more like she was a sister than a cousin, you know.

It's weird. So really, and she is my blood. She's, you know, really related by blood and that, and get on really well with her mum.

She's my favourite aunt. It was just really, I've seen my aunt more than I've seen her over sort of the last 20 years. And then suddenly she came up visiting my nan and we happened to come up the same day and like, we just got on really well.

And then we was talking, we kept having to tell her to shut up, shush, we're talking, we're catching up. Then she'd hit me with a rolling pin. I said, what are you doing that for? Thought you wanted to catch up? That's my cousin hit me with a rolling pin.

None of that happened. And yeah, we got on really well. But I have not seen her since my nan's funeral.

So it's five years, five years, I haven't seen her. Weird. I quite like to see her.

I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch with people. There's not a big part of me that puts any effort into keeping friendships going. I don't know.

It's just, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm not sure why, really. I think it might be because I don't value them, perhaps, or don't appreciate, don't appreciate what.

Or I think it might be because I've seen so many people come and go. We're very early age. I kind of just don't get attached to people.

And that's the bottom line. I don't get attached to anybody apart from Andre. That's it.

So I don't have, I mean, some, yeah, attachment issues, I guess. But it's not that I get too attached. It's that I don't get attached at all.

So it's quite a good thing in some ways, because I've moved around so much, had so many different jobs, and lived in so many different places, that it's much easier to move on if you don't feel, well, for me, if I didn't, yeah, I never miss anyone, especially with cream pies, always managed to always hit my target. No, I never miss anyone. I don't, I never, never like sitting there thinking, oh, I wonder what, I wonder what Bob's doing.

I wonder what, I wonder what Tony's up to. I don't know anyone called Bob or Tony, so there'd be no reason for me to do that with them. But if I, you know, I'm thinking if there was a person I know, but I can't think of anyone's name off hand, but I don't miss people.

And apparently, that's kind of unusual, which to me, it seems kind of normal to not be attached. Well, I used to have someone at work next to me, constantly tell the same to me, let's go to the pub, let's go to the pub. And I said to him, eventually, I said no.

And I kept saying no, so I'm busy. Eventually, I just had to say, look, I'll spend all day sitting next to you. Why would I want to see you outside of work? And I did it in a funny way, so that he laughed.

But the weird thing is, it kept going on. So I ended up being really good friends with him. But I just couldn't be bothered.

I was sitting next to him all day. What are we going to talk about? We talked about work, of course. And it's strange, but there's something about going out with friends from work.

There's nothing more interesting than talking about work. Yeah, it's not interesting when you're there. Perhaps.

Strange times. I've got no one to talk about my work with now, have I? This is my work. Kind of, you know.

My dad said it's a hobby, but I don't really class things like this as a hobby. A hobby is something you, I don't know, what is the difference between this and a hobby? I've never been, I've never done a hobby to help other people. I've never, whatever I've never done, I've never fired into an air conditioning unit.

I mean, there's lots of things I haven't done. That was once that I was about to once and I got sacked from that job. I can't believe that someone actually took a picture of me bending over in my trousers down.

That was embarrassing. But it's only embarrassing if you never see the people again. I'm trying to think, what did I do? What didn't I do? Is there a way that I can remember what I was talking about? There must be a way.

The heat has just come on. So you might hear the radios clicking, but it's all right. Would you want me to be cold? No, of course you don't.

Put up with a bit of clicking. Go on. Just for me.

Just a little bit. Just a little bit. It's not a lot of clicking.

It's just like click, click, like that. Every now and then. It doesn't actually say click.

The radio does not have a mouth. And trust me, I've looked. So I, what was it? I completely forgotten what I was talking about now.

Again, I can't get that air conditioning picture out of my head. And we bend it down with my bum pressed against the air conditioning unit. Having a picture took.

I kind of partly blame myself because before I did it, I didn't think it out. I was going to, I should have done it. I was going to do it quietly for no one else to see.

But I didn't realize the photographer was going to bring equipment, setting out all this stuff, backlighting and lighting and stuff. It was only a matter of time before someone came in and saw what I was doing in the manager's office. So what was I thinking about? Word was out.

I was talking about cousins. No, I moved on from that, hadn't I? It's weird, isn't it? It's kind of a weird thing to like one of the most beautiful women I ever met was my cousin. And I'm talking now even, like she's just, she definitely, I don't know where she got her jeans from.

I don't mean clothes. I mean, she's, you know, she looks nothing like me, obviously. She's not having, oh forget.

That's the problem. If you get an image like that of me. Anyway, I found out something that Andre does, two things that he does that were a little bit disturbing.

And you may say, how can you judge? How can you judge him after what you just said? I'm quite happy with my ability to judge others. I'm very comfortable with that particular set of skills. Oh yeah, this girl, or the lady that I used to work with, she said, can you do some hypnosis? Because I put on weight and I want to lose some weight.

And she used to be really, really slim. I think she was quite proud of it because I remember she's, she got me to put my hands around her waist and I could literally touch my fingers together around her waist. And had I known that she was going to ask me to do that, I definitely would have put a superglue to work and I'd still have my hands around her waist.

Well, I wouldn't, would I? Obviously, my hands would be stretched right out. But the longest fingers in history. No, I'm not sure how big she got.

And anyway, she's, and I said, no. I contacted her back and said, no, I can't. I said, oh, I'm also fat.

I can't, I can't. She said, I'm not fat. I just put on a little bit of weight.

I just want to help with me to not eat so much. I said, oh, sorry. Didn't mean to upset you.

But, but I am, I can't help someone. I just don't feel comfortable sitting in a room with someone telling them and helping them to lose weight when I'm sitting here with my big fat belly wobbling around. So also I was embarrassed by the room I was living in.

You know, there's, there is that little part of me. It's not a huge, big part. And ask anyone, but it's not, it's not a big, but it's a part of me that just would like to see someone from the past and show that I've been successful.

You know, maybe introduced them to my big house, my nice car, me, third wife, I don't know, whatever, just to show that I've, helicopter, I don't know. They're just general things, a snooker table that turns into a pool, you know, just the things that we all people generally have. But of course a nanny, you know, just in case I ever had kids, just get to stick around anyway.

Well, you say nanny, I mean, au pair, but you know, I dated an au pair once. What an au pair. She was from Spain and she, she worked at a hospital looking after, well, she worked in the hospital grounds looking after, her name was Marta, Marta, Marta.

And she worked as an au pair for a doctor. And she was just here for the summer. And I met her probably about a month, two months before she left.

Well, I met her two months before she left and she left after two weeks. No, she didn't. And she, I know I wasn't the only person she was dating though.

Which I'll say she told me. Yep. She wasn't, I don't know.

I think I was like a reserve, a reserve possibility. Or I think she wanted to have romance. So she had, she met other people, but I got a sense that she also wanted to have a funny story to tell.

So she sort of, sort of dated me for a little bit. I'd be the light entertainment. Yeah, I dated this lovely man.

He was six foot four and blue eyes and English. And yeah, he was just, he was just exactly the same as every other person in his area. Just trying to mimic everyone else and no personality.

Anyway, and then there was this blonde girl. She's French now. She was just old and he weighed about four stone.

He was three foot tall. Oh dear. He was so skinny.

So skinny. Oh man. I was so skinny.

She actually, when I went there. So I'd been out on a date with her. Two dates, in fact.

And then she invited me around her flat or her house. Because her land, the person employing her had gone on holiday with his family. Again, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person that was invited around that week.

Because she was very popular. Made a lot of friends and stuff, I guess. Probably other au pairs as well.

Because I imagine there's quite a few doing that job in that area. Because the doctors earn so much. Really well paid.

I think both the parents are doctors. Which meant they were getting, well, a lot. That's a lot of money coming in if it's two doctors.

So the parents, they could afford to pay an au pair to look after the kids. I guess. I mean, it's not always the case, though, is it? I mean, not if one's a gambler.

If you're a gambler, you're never going to have money, are you? So, yeah, I went around there. Here's a weird story. I went around there.

There was a, what was it? I think it was a bank holiday, Monday. And I think there was some kind of strike. A tube strike or something like that.

There was something going on. There was no trains. So the traffic was horrendous.

Really. And we were stuck in a traffic jam. So I'm getting a taxi from Stratford to Romford.

Or Harold Wood, which is, is Harold Wood Romford? I don't know. Harold Wood, anyway. And we get there.

Ages and ages. And I've got this little top on T-shirt. It's hot.

It's in the summer. Oh, man. And the taxi driver was yabbering on and on and on and on and on.

And I was like, oh, does he expect me to answer? Because I'm not listening. I've got to answer him. I hope he hasn't asked me a question.

And when we get there, finally get there, I always ask how much the fare is going to be before I leave. Because I've been ripped off so many times by taxi drivers. And prior to that, even since then as well.

So I kind of try to remember how much is it going to be before I leave? They said nothing before you leave. You can pay when you get there. No, that's not what I mean.

That's not what I mean. How much is it going to cost when I arrive there? How much are you going to charge me? Well, it depends on the meter, isn't it? No, you're a minicab. You don't have a meter.

You don't. Minicabs don't have meters, no. Well, the ones, some in London don't.

Some in little towns do. Because they class, they call themselves taxis, even though they're not like black cabs. Or is it yellow cabs you have in New York? You talk about everyone.

Everyone listening to this is from New York, aren't they? Of course they are. Of course they're not. A few people.

I know someone maybe from Boston maybe listening, my friend. It might be someone from New Jersey. Might be someone from, I know there's people from Canada, Australia.

I know there's people listening from, well, there's no one listening while I'm recording it. You know, once I upload. So I've definitely got people from America, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Norway, the UK.

So that'd be England, Scotland, Wales, and whatever little islands make up the United Kingdom, which would be Man of Isle, not Man of Isle, Isle of Man, Isle of Wight, Orkney Islands. I don't know, I forget. And the Falkland Islands, I guess.

I don't know, but different places. But I think there's only, there's not many people live on the Falkland Islands, I don't think. There's only 20 people live there, I think.

I don't know. I've no idea. I don't care enough to look it up.

But one thing worth remembering, if you use Wikipedia to look stuff up, it's not always correct. Just thought I'd just point that out. You may know this already.

It's not always correct. Don't take it as being exact. It's worth cross checking.

It's usually quite good. It's very good. It's amazing service.

But it's not always correct. And the people that contribute and write stuff don't always know what they're talking about. But some people really do.

You know, they might be completely obsessed with golf, and they'll go onto Wikipedia and they'll put all the statistics for the golf players and you know it's going to be correct. But then you don't know because you don't know who it is that's done it. But you know, I look at Wikipedia for boxing stats and see the different boxes and who they're for and all that stuff and it's not always correct.

Usually pretty good. But I was researching somebody the other day in Wikipedia. It was a person that wrote Sapphire and Steel.

And it said, oh, he wrote his first novel, his first book in 2011. Now I've got a book with his name on it. The Sapphire and Steel book from 1980 or 81.

I mean, he's famous for this. Well, he's famous for different things like well known for writing for lots of different things. But Sapphire and Steel is the, I mean, that's a legendary series if you've never seen it.

It was mind-blowing. It was a very, very strange, brilliant, brilliant show. You can actually see it on YouTube.

It's available. Sapphire and Steel, you know, The Rocks, Sapphire and Steel, Joanna Lumley and David McCallum. It's really weird.

I don't really even realise that my visual, I can close my eyes and I can visualise the word of the name, Dave McCallum, Joanna Lumley. I can visualise the actual word just being there. It's a new thing I found out.

And David's, he's probably more famous in America. I know Joanna Lumley was famous for being in The Avengers. She's famous for being in, it was The New Avengers, wasn't it? But she's also famous for being in Ad Fab, Absolute Fabulous.

Ad Fab? Absolutely fab. Ad Fab, yeah. I find it easy just to say absolutely fabulous, just say the whole thing.

Otherwise, I just start forgetting what it means, all these acronyms or whatever. Well, not acronyms, but you know, the shortened version like PPE, for example, or CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The thing is, CBT doesn't necessarily mean that.

Doesn't necessarily mean that. There's two other things it could mean. One is, I won't say one what it is.

But one is the, it's the driving, it's the motorcycle test. And the other one is C and B torch. C and B. Yeah.

It's like, I couldn't believe it. Because I put in CRB, not CRB. Why is that? CBT, looking for therapy, because that's what I'm interested in.

And suddenly, I've got this image that didn't fit, didn't fit with the subject matter. So I told her, I can't come, I can't do this session with you, because I've got a big, big wobbly belly. And she said, Okay, felt a little bit sad, because I would have liked to have seen her.

And this thing that Andre does, I was asleep, this afternoon, I was asleep. And he woke me up by climbing onto the bed. But I didn't move, I just left my eyes closed.

So he was climbing over me, nudging me. And I still just stayed where I was, just didn't move. He licked my arm, nothing.

He bit me. And not hard, but hard enough to wake me up. You know, it did then.

He started licking me, licking my arm, as if he hadn't done anything. He acted as if all he'd been doing all along was just licking me. He nibbled my arm to wake me up.

Up, not up, but up. And he bit it like proper nip. If that were before I was dead, and now I can finally eat him.

I'd last him for months, wouldn't I? So that was weird. Another thing he does, I've noticed is, I never realized until this afternoon, or later, or this evening, or whenever. He's inside his little bedding that he goes in, which is a whole pair of tracksuit bottoms of mine.

And he was licking himself. I could hear it, but I couldn't see what he was doing, but I could hear it. And I could continue to hear it.

And I could see his body moving. And I could continue to hear it. And I'm sitting at my table, and I'm looking over, and all I can hear is this, like that.

That lasted for at least 10, 15 minutes. Yeah. Yep.

I'm not going to go any further with that one, but it was, I mean, I understand. I do. If I had that flexibility, but man, I just didn't realize he, I just didn't.

That was a new little chapter to me and his relationship. It's a new little memory of mine, because I don't normally take much notice of what he's doing when he's in his bed, because normally he's just there. He's asleep.

He moves around a little bit, a little scratch, runs out, scratches, goes back in, runs out, does a toilet, comes back in, you know, just those kinds of things. Runs out for a cuddle, you know, to have something to eat, a drink, or just to hassle me. But wow.

Wow. I mean, wow. I can't believe it.

He's a little perv. He's a little perv. Either that, or he's taking advantage of what nature has allowed him to do, have an incredibly bendy spine, has its benefits, I guess.

So it's quite weird. He clearly hasn't looked in the mirror and seen how those teeth of his, so he wouldn't go anywhere near it with those teeth, if he knew, which is a weird concept. I'm going to move on from this.

Move on. Move on. Nothing to see here.

There was, but not now. So I was talking about something else, but something about CBT. No.

I've got to do some shopping. I don't want to. I don't want to.

No. I don't care what you say. I just don't want to do it.

I just, I can't get deliveries online. So I have to go all the way into town, unless I go to a local shop. And if I go to a local shops, it costs me pretty much twice as much money to buy stuff.

And I can only buy a small amount of stuff, which means I've got to go out every few days. If I go to the closest supermarket, which is an hour walk or bus ride for 15 minutes, or 10, you know, it's not too long on the bus. If the bus is still running, I don't know.

And I think they might have a Christmas service going on with the buses. I don't mean like jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. As they ride along with one person on the bus, one customer, only one customer per bus, please.

I can get to that supermarket, but again, I can get the stuff cheaper. But I'll still get it back. I'm only limited to what I can carry, which can again last for a few days.

Now, if I go into town, to the actual supermarket, there's only one place that delivers where I could order, buy the stuff, and they package it, and they deliver it either the same day, usually in normal human times, but at the moment, it might not be for a day or so, two days, even, I don't know. And which means I can buy enough to last me for maybe a week or two, if I can get enough stuff. But the idea of going there and it doesn't make me ears pop with happiness, you know, that's what I'm saying.

It doesn't give me that kind of feeling. I don't know what's gonna, it's one of those things that I need to do, but I don't want to do it. And it's not through laziness.

It's just because I don't want to do it. I don't want to go out. And this is, so we'll see, see what happens.

We'll see what happens. There's no way of knowing, is there? Unless, of course, I do know, and I can just do it. I could just do it, innit? Just get it done.

I don't know. Maybe, maybe, baby, I'll have you. Maybe, baby, you'll be true.

Maybe, baby, I'll have you for me, yeah. It's funny, honey, you don't care. You never listen to my prayer.

Maybe, baby, you will someday love me because you are the one that makes me sigh, and you are the one that makes me cry. I hope someday you won't leave. I'll be there waiting.

No, I forgot the words. I used to be a big fan of Buddy Holly. And, yeah, it's quite weird because, like, probably about 25 years after he died, I became a fan of his.

Weird, innit? I was just absolutely, I think I was probably about 11 or 12, fell in love with Buddy Holly. I already knew about him. I'd already heard his songs.

But I just couldn't stop listening to him. I don't mean his ghost wasn't there. I'm talking about the album.

I had a tape recorder of his greatest hits. I just, I don't remember Heartbeat on there. Or Evergreen.

Is Evergreen one of his songs as well? But I don't remember Heartbeat. But it might have been, unless it just wasn't one of his hits. Might just be one of his songs, but not one of his hits.

Unless it was an English album and it was just the best his hits that he had in the UK rather than in America. Because some artists, they release songs in different countries, don't they? Don't always release the same songs in America as they do here. So I never kind of understand really.

Because I think of someone like Daniel Beddingsfield. And there was a time when he was like the top, top, top, top, top, bestest singing artist in this country. He wasn't from this country, but he's from New Zealand.

But he's, but I love Daniel Beddingsfield. Still love him. Love, love, love.

Love, love. And that's, isn't that the song that his sister wrote? Love, love. These words are mine from my heart, son.

I love you, I love you, I love you. There's no other way for me to say I love you. Is that this old, Melissa? No.

What was her name? Beddingsfield, Susan, Sarah, Daniela. My name's come right out of my head. Let's see if I close my eyes and I can try and get her name.

So it's Daniel Beddingsfield. And these words are my own. Beddingsfield.

That's gone all fuzzy. I can't see it. I'll wait a couple of seconds.

So I'm just going to do my own little Google search. It's a JJ search from my brain. Please give me the name of the lady, Daniel Beddingsfield's sister, who sung these words are my own, or these words, I think it was called.

Right, close my eyes. Can I please have that name now, Natasha? Wow. You might think that I just made that up on the spot, like pretending that I came up with her name.

Is that her name though, Natasha? It didn't, it just came, just shot out of my head. Natasha Beddingsfield. Yeah, I think it is.

You know what? I might have just discovered a new way of searching for stuff from our memory that we don't need Google anymore. Of course, Google's good for learning new stuff, but I think a lot of people, including myself, use it to remind us of old stuff that you can't remember. Natasha Beddingsfield.

I wonder what else I could use it for. What else can I think of that I've forgotten about? These words are my own. So you probably think, oh, he's just joking about again, pretending his brain gave him that answer.

Genuinely, just did it. I couldn't remember her name. I can't remember her surname.

I was a fan of Daniel. I bought his albums. I never bought Natasha Beddingsfield's albums.

I did really like that song that she did. These words are my own, from my heart. It's really perfect.

The way it's like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I don't know. Just very curvy with the sound.

Very, yeah, almost perfection. I can't. Yeah.

Wow. What else? I wonder what else? I'll tell you one of my favorite songs. And I didn't realize, did not realize, it's, Because I was a big fan of the Monkees, again, from the 60s, and I wasn't born until 1970.

So I wouldn't have got into music. I don't remember getting into really being interested in music until I was sort of about eight, maybe seven, but I don't really remember that much before the age of seven. Music-wise, I remember little bits, watching Planet of the Apes and having my feet tickled by one of the carers in the children's home, and I just couldn't stop.

I think I snotted everywhere, but I couldn't stop laughing. It was so, so brilliant. One of my happiest memories, it was, which is a bit strange, but absolutely loved it.

I don't know if it was being tickled or just having human contact. I don't know. And I'm trying to think.

The Monkees, I really, really fell in love with them, and I used to listen to them again. And the greatest hits, I'd lay down on my bed and I'd just listen. I think sometimes I'd use headphones, sometimes I'd just listen without headphones.

Just sort of play a normal tape recorder. But my favourite song, Last Train. No, not last, yeah, one of my favourite songs is Last Train to Clarksville.

Another of my favourite songs, I didn't know what it was called. All I knew is I loved it. And it's the one, she's a wonderful lady, and she's mine, all mine, and she doesn't seem to know that she's gonna move my mind.

It's not easy playing songs with a girl with yellow breasts, been a long time since the party, and the room is in a mess. We're looping, booping, booping, in a crystal crust of law. I don't know the words, but it's like Old Scout Skit or whatever it's called.

That's the name of the song. did not know, did not know that the monkeys left their record company, decided to go it alone without the management they had before, decided to write their own songs and basically kind of came to an end. But that song, the Dirty Skouskit or something Skouskit, the, that's my favorite song, my favorite monkey song and that was written by, is it Dolan, you know the drummer, the one who sings it, he actually wrote the song, I was like wow.

So that's my little bit of trivia for the monkeys, used to watch the monkeys on telly when I was about seven, six, seven, eight and they used to be the monkeys TV show and they used to be, used to be brilliant, they loved it and then they'd sing their songs. So I kind of, it was almost implanted into my brain from a very early age, because I was hearing these songs without really knowing who they were, you know for me the monkeys were a comedy show, they hadn't been on television for I'm guessing probably ten years, it's a ten-year-old TV show probably when I was watching it, since the 60s, I was watching it when I was 77 and so it's kind of, wow, yeah it was good, I used to really like that.

Another TV show called the Banana Splits, now you'd have to be pretty, if you want to date me, you have to be pretty old, not old, but to remember the Banana Splits, which again it may well have been a 60s TV show as well, I don't know, but they showed it in this country I think you'd need to be probably my age to remember the Banana Splits and it was these sort of theme tune and there's these like big furry creatures just like running around and on little bikes and stuff like that, called the Banana

Splits and it was one banana, two banana, three banana, four, five banana, six banana, seven more banana, eight banana, nine banana, ten banana, eleven Banana Splits, twelve banana, thirteen banana and and then it was du du du, du du du du, du du du du, du du du du, du du du du, du du du du du du, du du du du du."

That's good.

I liked it. Catch The Pigeon. That was another... That was a bit...that was a bit of growl wasn't it? Catch the pigeon.

Growl it out. Catch the pigeon. That was quite good.

Dastardly and Muttly. That was another one. Hong Kong Pooey.

Hong Kong Pooey. Used to be on. That was good because he used to, didn't he go into a filing cabinet and change into his karate costume and have a little mask on.

Very strange. Brilliant though. I loved it.

What other cartoons was on? This would be on a Saturday morning. I was quite lucky because my little brother was born when I was eight. That's not the lucky part.

The lucky part was I got to watch cartoons for much longer than I would normally have got the chance to because I watched them with him. So I was still watching cartoons up to the age of 16 when he moved away. Well, he didn't move on his own, but when he left.

So even when I was living in my, his grandmother's, because it was like his mum, his mum's mum, we were living in her flat for, wow, it seemed like years, but it wasn't. Definitely a long time though. Yeah, probably nearly a year.

And I was sleeping on a bed, like a camper bed in the living room. So I didn't have my own room for nearly a year. I was basically homeless really at 15.

But there you go. There you go. I used to say to my little brother, even though I hate, I don't like being woken up.

I used to say to him, wake me up. Because he was eight, or I guess he was seven. So he would have been eight just before I was 16.

So he was seven at that time. And I say, wake me up in the morning. Even though I'd been working that night, Friday night, Saturday morning, I just wanted to be woken up so I could just sit on the set of the event.

And we could just watch the cartoons from sort of six o'clock or seven o'clock before anyone else got out of bed. And we could just sit there and watch the cartoons. And one of my favorite, that is weird.

It's one of my favorite little memories. Because I used to like spending time with him. Because when he was watching cartoons, he wasn't annoying me, which was nice.

And I guess I wasn't annoying him either. And one of the shows he used to like to watch was the Musket Hounds. Another one was the Muppet Babies.

And then there was Fraggle Rock. All three programs are things that I really wasn't, at my age, not supposed to really be watching. Bearing in mind, I was working full time at that point.

So I was 15 hours working full time in a chip shop. And I loved watching the Musket Hounds. One for one and all for one.

Musket Hounds are always ready. One for one and one for one. Helping everybody.

One for all and all for one. It's a beauty story. And what was it? Muppet Babies.

Muppet Babies did one for you. Muppet, Muppet, Muppet, Muppet Babies. And what was it from Fraggle Rock? Let the music play.

Going for another day. Down the Fraggle Rock. The trash heap has spoken.

I still love Fraggle Rock. Even when I got older. See, when I was a man, technically.

When I was 20, 21, 22, 23 even. Muppet Babies would be on sometimes on a Saturday morning. During that time we still have cartoons on.

It used to be a fun morning. There used to be a couple of people called Anandek. They're huge stars in England.

And they used to have a TV show called CDUK. Which was a chart show. And before that they had another show.

I forget what it was called. And with Cat Deely. Cat Deely.

And it was funny. So it was aimed at children but also aimed at adults as well. So they kind of would aim to tell jokes but the adults could enjoy it as well as the kids.

So if I didn't, quite often I'd work on a Saturday morning. But on the times when I didn't, I could just chill out. And I'd just sit in bed.

Just laughing at the antics they got up to. It was great. I'd have my breakfast.

I don't know if I had a cup of coffee or a cup of tea. I don't remember. I can't remember every single hot beverage I've ever drunk.

And I'd just be sitting up in my bed. I did have a desk or table because I used to do a lot of writing back then. And not on the table.

We used to use a pad. And I just used to really enjoy Saturday mornings. Because then come 11 o'clock, 12, sport, sport, sport, sport, sport.

That's all it was on. And I just couldn't be bothered. I just wasn't really into watching.

I'm not much of a spectator. I'd rather... The only sport I can spectate is boxing, really. It's the only one out of everything.

It's the only thing that I've found myself getting passionate about. And so I've, along the line, along the way, learned a lot about it. A lot about the different people in the game, or the people that are in the game now.

And I realized, because I watch YouTube videos, interviews with boxers, and none of them can box at the moment. All the fights have been postponed or canceled. And I just realized I've not seen anything for months.

I've not seen... You know, sometimes on a nice Saturday night on Sky, there'd be a night of boxing, seven till maybe 11.30. Nice night of boxing. And I haven't had that for months. And it only dawned on me earlier.

I was like, oh, I haven't seen people beat each other up for ages. Oh, I quite like skiing. But not skiing itself, because that doesn't see much point.

But to me, just because I can't do it. That's not the only reason. But just, like, you know, the speed skiing and just... Yeah, it doesn't really... It doesn't tickle me fancy, you know.

But the jumping off the slope, and that, especially when they do it without any... It's just the skis, nothing else, and all their hands are empty. Now, that I find very exciting, because there's just no denying that it's... You don't know. You just don't know how it's going to end or how well they're going to land.

And it's just amazing what... I mean, that's the closest sport that I could probably do. I could do the first part, you know, being on the skis, going down the slope, and then, you know, shooing up into the air. That first bit I could do, you know, providing I could stay on the skis long enough to leave the slope, or the board, or whatever it is.

After that, I've got no idea what would happen. But it's so... It kind of feels like something that I could partly do. I don't know how I'd land.

I personally would think a parachute would be the best way to go. But I don't think there's enough time, sort of, for the parachute to open. Realistically, it's not that far from the ground.

I don't know. Anyway, I think that's probably enough for me for one day. Thank you very much for listening to me.

And thank you, blah, blah, blah. Oh, tired. Am I tired? I don't know, maybe a little bit.

I didn't get anything done yesterday. Well, I did. I mean, I made three recordings, so that is something.

But, you know, when I woke up, got up, I didn't do anything. I didn't accomplish anything. I didn't even watch any television.

I just didn't take Andre out for a walk. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything.

I did cook a meal, though. Technically, the microwave cooked it, but I did have a cooked meal, which was the first one I've had for quite a while. I've been trying to live on egg on toast, one bit of one egg on one piece of toast.

And that's kind of been my main meal for the last two days. And then two tea cakes for my lunch and my breakfast cereal for breakfast. And that's been what I've been eating.

I'm going to be so skinny. I don't think that's ever going to happen. I just, maybe I just had the wrong calories.

People say that to me. I just seem to eat the wrong calories. Yeah, right.

Maybe. Perhaps I should study nutrition. Perhaps.

So many things to study. You hear that, Andre? He makes some strange noises. Sometimes, I'll probably mention this, sometimes he makes weirdest noises, and I actually wake him up.

Because I don't know why, but he annoys me so much. Sometimes he does the weirdest things and disturbs me and trashes the place. But he's like his most precious little thing in the whole world.

I think it's probably because he's so little. Maybe that's what it is. That's probably not.

I think if he was an elephant, I don't know how I'd get him into the flat. I mean, where would he sleep? But just generally, you know, if it was the elephant that I was spending so much time with, I'm sure that I'd feel the same way about the elephant. I'm sure I'd want to be woken up by one crawling all over me first thing in the morning.

Well, you wouldn't get woken up, would you? Well, if you were, you'd get woken up briefly, long enough to realize that that's it. Elephants, wow. There was this thing, I saw this on YouTube, and there was this safari park and the safari tour guide, you know, this little, you know, drive through the safari park.

And there was three girls in the back. Two of them were laughing. And there was an elephant behind this little cart that was going through.

And one of the girls was hysterical, really worried and hysterical about the elephant being there. Which on some level, you know, I don't make fun of people that are in those situations, because it's got to be horrible. But part of me thinks, what was she doing in a safari park? I would never go to America or go to the Everglades.

I'll go to America, but I wouldn't go to the Everglades. Not big into alligators or crooks or whatever lives there. In this country, unless you actually go to a zoo, you're not going to see a lion.

See plenty of liars, but not a lion. So if I went to the zoo, and I started acting all, oh, there's a lion, there's a lion. Well, why did I go there then? You know, considering the lions are usually the biggest attraction.

Polar bears as well, aren't they? Is it polar bears? Not polar bears. What are the Chinese ones? Pandas, panda bears. Usually named something like Xing Zong or Yin Yang or something like that.

What's wrong with Paul or Stephen or Audrey? She's a wonderful lady, and she's mine, all mine, and there doesn't seem to be a one. Last train to Clarksville again, it's like, take the last train to Clarksville. Was it? Well, it's the same tune, isn't it? Take the last train to Clarksville when I meet you at the end.

Take the last train to Clarksville. See, I'm stuck in that tune. I can do the second verse.

We can be here by 4.30 because I've made a visit. No, I think it's because it's the same singer for both of them. Oh, and I don't know if I'm ever coming home.

That's it, that's the tune for that one. Take the last train to Clarksville and I'll meet you at the station. You can be here by 4.30 because I've made a reservation.

I'm not sure if singing at the end of a sleep recording is a good idea though. I've already thought this through, haven't I? Dear Jason, first of all, I'd like to say that I'm quite pleased with some of your recordings. I'd just like to make a comment on your most recent recording.

I actually did fall asleep. I was actually quite happy about falling asleep. I was feeling quite comfortable in that particular sleep.

And then, Mr. Jason, and then I was awakened by this terrible noise, which I can only describe as a cat being given a prostate examination. It was very off-putting. I realised you were singing a monkey's song.

May I please request that you never do this again? I really, really suggest possibly singing at the end of a recording aimed at helping people to sleep. May not be conducive to said sleep. Yeah, okay, fair enough.

Always moaning at me. Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan. I'm not always moaning at you.

Just on this occasion, I think I could be correct. You could be, you could be. A little bit of me.

Anyway, that's it. I'm going to go now. Thank you very much for listening.

And you all take care of yourselves, won't you? Won't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. And remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve, I've got to stop singing, you deserve to be happy.

And did I read out the message I had the other day? Yeah, I did. Someone said he was playing it during the day, playing me during the day. Yeah.

Anyway, thank you for listening. Take care of yourselves. And I'll speak to you tomorrow.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Yeah.

Bye-bye-bye. Bye-bye-bye-bye-bye. Take the last breath.

Okay, I'll stop. I'll stop. I want to carry on.

I want to sing it but I'm going to stop. I've stopped moaning. I'm going to stop.

I've stopped. Bye then. Bye-bye.