#366 Let me bore you to sleep - Jason Newland (2nd April 2020)

Hello, hello, welcome to jasonnewland.com. My name is Jason Newland. This is Let Me Bore You To Sleep. Thank you for joining me on this thing that I'm doing.

It's a little time where we all get together. Although it's not live, but it's live when I do it. But, you know, wherever you are in the world, someone else is listening to this at the same time, very likely.

So, we're kind of connected. We're connected in a weird way, possibly, I don't know. And please only listen to this when you can safely close your eyes, because this boring recording may cause you to get bored and fall asleep.

So, I thought I'd just, first of all, let you know my website's pretty groovy. It's got lots of stuff on there, all of my recordings, pretty much from the last 14 years. So, there's lots of stuff on there.

Lots of little golden nuggets that you wouldn't even know about. In fact, some of my best work is hidden. That's what I believe.

It's hidden. So, you didn't even know it was there. You might find it and think, wow, it's actually kind of okay.

He seems to know what he's doing. Much, you know, unlike when you listen to me here. So, that's okay.

I don't mind. I didn't mind. What I thought I would do is actually read you a lovely message I had from Georgie on one of my Facebook pages.

So, thank you, Georgie, for this. It's a very lovely message. I listen to your let me bore you to sleep every night and it's helped me so much.

During this lockdown, my anxiety has really rocketed and I'm struggling to fall and stay asleep. Listen to you blabber on. Excuse me? Blabber on? I'm sharing my wisdom with the world.

I think, young lady, I think you need to give yourself a good talking to. Blabber on? It's so helpful and relaxing. I love hearing about Andre and I hope his legs are okay.

I am sorry I can't give to you via PayPal, but I am a full-time student, so I don't have a job to earn money, otherwise I would. But I hope this message finds you both well. So, I replied, said thank you, and I've given Andre a big kiss.

And so, thank you, Georgie. That's lovely. And another message.

All right, I don't know this one. From Errol. Hi there.

I just wanted a message and say how much I like listening to your sessions. I'm from Australia and first started listening to your podcasts in July 2019. Your podcasts gave me my first insight into hypnosis, so I started studying hypnotherapy and I'm nearly qualified.

I'm now nearly qualified as a hypnotherapist. I'm loving the journey. So, thanks for the inspiration, Errol.

I wrote back saying you've made my day. So, that was a couple of weeks back, actually. Wow.

What do I think? Got another one from Michelle. I look forward to your smooth ramblings every night. Helps me relax.

See, ramblings is a bit more gentle, isn't it? Blabbering, ramblings. That's it, Georgie. You're on the naughty step.

I look forward to your smooth ramblings every night. Helps me relax and focus on your stories when in insomniac mode and wake to hear more after falling asleep. I especially appreciate how much you love Andre.

Oh, I too am a lover of animals, of any ilk. Keep the mellow modules, modules, modules, modules going. Oh, thank you all.

So, you know, going back to Georgie. Oh, that was my reply. See, the PayPal gift is there.

If you want to send me a gift, that's, it's just like a personal gift. It's not, it's in no way compulsory and I don't expect it, honestly. So, there you go.

I've got another one here. Hi, Jason. Thanks so much for your podcasts.

You help me so much. You have literally saved my life. I haven't listened to all of your works, but I've listened to some of the ones for stress, anxiety and panic attacks and I bore you to sleep once.

Absolutely brilliant. Cassia, I agree with you. They are brilliant.

Thank you for that. I thought I'd just share those with you. I had another one today.

Where is it? Where is it? There we go. This is from Alaska. This was yesterday on my website.

It's 2am. It says, that's the headline. It's 2am.

I couldn't thank Jason enough for this amazing service. I've been listening for some months now and have never failed to fall asleep to his podcasts. I'd love to donate when I find myself some money.

Sorry, Jason. Again, there's no, I just mentioned that you can if you want, but it's fine. It's not a donation.

It's just a gift and so I can buy some new shoes or something like that. So, new underpants. So, it's no, honestly, I'm doing this to help people.

I'm not doing it for any other reason. I would like to turn it into a career though. And I'm kind of moving towards that gently, gently.

So, never, never apologize. This, you know, I want to keep it free. Even if there's stuff to sell or stuff to buy, stuff to purchase, adverts, whatever, it's still going to be free.

You know, it's still a free service. You'll still be able to listen online to my recordings for free. That's my plan for always to be free, regardless of what other things are available, you know.

So, my goal, it's all changed over the years. My goal now having been out of work for so long and, you know, with the mental health issues and with, you know, what's kind of going on at the moment, I'm thinking, well, working from home online would just be a small jump from what I'm already doing. So, yeah, I'm looking, I actually have done some things.

I'll tell you about it in a minute. So, but please, no one ever needs to apologize. My main goal is to make sure that all of my recordings can be listened to for free.

Okay, that's the main goal. Now, I've even got my podcast, the main four podcasts available. You can listen to them without adverts and that's on my website as well.

You can go there, click on, Let Me Bore You To Sleep, Continuous Play without ads or no ads, that's in the menu. And you can click play and listen to every single recording. I mean, you couldn't because it would take days and days and days, but because there's 300 and probably over 400 hours worth of, you know, recordings just on this podcast.

How many days is that? 20 days? I don't know. So you wouldn't be able to get through all of them straight away. But it is truly amazing that you're able to do this out of your own pocket.

The best service I've found over the many things I've tried. It's 2am now, but I know I'll get to sleep soon. Thank you, Alaska.

And also that's a groovy name. So congratulations. You know, you probably had nothing to do with your name, but well done.

And so yeah, it's thank you. And that's just really, I love getting messages like that. I had a short message, but it was short and sweet.

And what is it? This is from Mike P. Jason, this is going on my website. This was, when was it? Yeah, a few hours ago, three hours ago. Jason, you are the best and listening to you helps so much with anxieties.

T-Y. Not sure what the T-Y means. T-Y.

T-Y. Maybe, maybe, I don't know. Anyway.

So I imagine there's people listening to this thinking, it means thank you. It means, how can you not know it means thank you? How can you possibly not know that? I don't know how I don't know. It just, it's one of those things, you know, just going to put the thing on the thing so I can have a drink.

The highlight of my day yesterday, I mean, I'm still, I'm still awake because it's quarter to four in the morning. And one of the highlights of my day was standing in some of Andre's poo, which is annoying because I've just changed all the papers, you know, on the floor. I've got different papers around for him.

I'm very generous. Well, not generous, I just, yeah, I suppose generosity is not really involved in the toiletry procedure, is it? But I had a knock on the door, it was my friend, and I tread in his poo at the front door. Andre's poo, hey, it's not my friend's poo.

And basically we go out, he takes his dog out, and I take Andre out. And we keep our distance, we keep completely away from each other the whole time. But we can sort of, not shout at each other, but kind of talk quite loudly to each other.

And we're literally probably about 20 foot away the whole time, if not more. And we do that, we don't do it, we used to do it in the everyday before this zombie out. The zombie, there used to be a thing, I don't know if in other countries you had it, but when I was a kid, there used to be a thing called the lurgy.

And it's basically, it's like the worst disease you can ever have as a child. It's called the lurgy. And the way you can't catch the lurgy, unless someone gives it to you.

And the way someone gives you the lurgy is by chasing you around a school ground during break time or lunch time, and touches you, hits you on the back, pats you on the back. And they say, you're it. And that's it, and you run away from them.

They've got the lurgy. Now, there is no medical cure, there is no, there's no medical treatment, there's not even any symptoms really, maybe a little bit of anger, a little bit of frustration, a little bit of, but luckily, you can get rid of it really easily by chasing someone else and patting them on the back and then running away. And whoever they pat next, they've got the lurgy.

You're it, and then run away. So I'm just saying I know what it's like to go through something like this. It's a very early age, it's a very, it's a little, it's a lot different, but just until now, that was kind of the worst thing I've ever really dealt with.

You're it, you've got the lurgy, Jason's got the lurgy, Jason's got the lurgy, and the big boogie, sticking it out of his nosy. Jason hasn't got any dinner money again, Jason hasn't got any dinner money again, he has to eat cheese sandwiches and a packet of crisps. We're going to eat hot dinners, he's going to sit outside.

Kids are so cruel. I thought it would be kids, but I was actually, I was the one doing the singing, I'm a little banjo. I'm so poor, I wish I had some money.

I was born into poverty, I only live in a seven bedroom house. I probably would have been felt quite wealthy, not wealthy, but kind of well-to-do or okay. I lived in a big house, big garden, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven bedrooms.

It's basically three dining rooms, like one living room, they extended to another room, so there's two rooms for the living room, but that was also a dining room, so living room, and then there was two dining rooms and a kitchen with a dining area, and there was a cupboard under the stairs. I always forget the cupboard. I don't know why, I should remember that.

Why is it the cupboards are always forgotten? I think that's where the vacuum cleaner was kept, kept a Hoover under there, a buspan and brush, carrier bags, I'm pretty, pretty, pretty sure carrier bags were kept under the cupboard. They want a hook on the door, inside of the door, not the outside of the door, otherwise it would have been knocked over, because putting stuff on the outside of a cupboard door, it kind of defeats the object, doesn't it, of having a cupboard. It's like having a glass on the table, and then pouring your drink onto the table.

It don't make no sense. What do you mean blabber on? I don't blabber on. Soft tones of wisdom, that's what I like to think.

Mind you, I like to think that I'm six foot eight and other different measurements, but no. I am what I am, and that's all I can offer you, I'm afraid. I've got a new trend for you to follow.

My JJ followers, my let me bore you to sleep followers is, is it, I'd like every one of you to use this sentence today. If someone asks you to do something that you don't want to do, you really don't want to do it, say this to them, sorry, I don't offer that service. Or if it's something that you've done before, but you never liked doing it, and you thought, no, I'm not doing it anymore.

Sorry, I no longer offer that service. Now, when I say, please do this, I only do it if it's safe to do it, and I don't want people getting sacked, or stuff like that. But I want to see how you get on, so then I'll see whether or not I can get away with it, because I like the idea of that.

Next time someone asks to borrow money, say, sorry, I don't offer that service. Yeah, I wonder what other situations I could use it in. I genuinely want to use this, it's, I'm not joking about, this is something that I want to, I want to start embracing.

What other situations? It's hard for me to think of any, because I don't have human contact. What did it used to be like when I had contact with people? When I say no human contact, I mean, like all the time, not just for a few months. I'm talking, you know, years and years and years, very little contact.

And that's how I like it, actually. That's how I like it. I really like it.

That's how I like it. Really, really like it. Sometimes.

Not all the time, but sometimes. Sometimes I like it. So I'm thinking, what scenario could you be in where you could say that sentence to someone? So I'm just thinking, young David, when your mummy, when your mum says to you, David, you haven't, you haven't made your bed or you haven't tidied your room.

You could say, Mum, I no longer offer that service. And then run away really quickly. Don't say that, unless, of course, your mum's heard this and she'll find it funny.

And then I think, what could Lilith, what could you say to David? These are some people that listen to the recordings. I suppose, yeah. If David says, Oh, Mum, I need some money.

I want to go out and buy some cigarettes. No, I want to go out and uh, to the cinema. I need, I need some money.

And you can say, sorry, I don't offer that service. And to be fair now, I keep saying I don't offer that service. It's, it's not as interesting as it was, but I don't know where it's at, so I won't say it anymore.

But I'm just thinking of other scenarios where you could perhaps use this little gem. I suppose, yeah. Someone proposes to you, down on one knee.

Oh, my darling, I've, I've spent my entire life searching for the one true love, the person who would give me everything that I didn't even know I required in order to be a fulfilled human being, both emotionally and physically, complete in every way. Almost like the jigsaw puzzle was finally done or completed. But I didn't really want to use the word complete twice.

Finished. Yes, finished. And now I can finally see the picture of the jigsaw puzzle.

Even though the jigsaw puzzle picture was on the box, so I didn't know what it was to start with, but forgetting that. But you are perfection to me. When I go to bed, I think of you.

When I wake up, I think of you. Sometimes when I'm in the toilet, I think of you. And now I've heard that out loud, I realize it's not quite so romantic as I thought it would be.

But you are the love of my life. You are everything I ever wanted. Will you, my darling, do the honor of marrying me and spending the rest of your life with me? Two people say it all together.

Sorry, I don't offer that service. Yeah, that could work. Be a bit cruel though, wouldn't it, actually, to be fair.

So don't do that. About how people die and how Eden dies. Do it nicely.

Do it in a kind of jokey way. I'm trying to think of a jokey way. Here's something I like to do.

On birthdays and Christmases, Christmases especially, I purposely wrap presents up really badly. No folding. I basically wrap the paper around.

Sometimes use a whole sheet of paper. Sorry, Greta Thunberlina, but I do sometimes. I try not to, but sometimes I do use too much.

And I also use half a roll of sellotape to tape it and it's all mangled. And then I just write the person's name on there. Because some people wait.

They have to wait until the person opens the present to see the facial expression that they want to see on the person they care about. I don't have to wait till they've opened it because I get the facial expression as soon as I give it to them. Now that's the look I'm looking for.

Yep. Smile. I'm going to take a picture of this.

And I've been doing that for years. Doing it for absolutely years. And it never gets boring.

Not for me. But lately, as years have gone by and the internet's taking over the world, I have been sending stuff in the post more. So that I don't actually... sending vouchers, you know, Amazon vouchers or Moonpeak.

Moonpeak.com. Moonpeak. I'm not affected by adverts, am I? Moonpeak. The thing is, it's either that or go all the way into town and buy a card.

And if I buy a card, I'm tempted to buy cheap ones. Like go into a cheap shop, you know, and get a hundred cards for a pound or something. You know, those kind of things.

But then it's getting a stamp because the shops don't sell stamps. You've got to go into some supermarkets sell stamps. Post offices sell stamps.

But a lot of it's self-service. I don't do self-service. Not when I'm out, anyway.

And I will not serve myself when I'm out of the house. I just, I think I take people's jobs away, don't I? I just don't like them. I'm never in that much of a hurry.

I must get my, I must be out of here one and a half minutes quicker than I would have done if I'd gone and queued up. And no, my time is not that kind of tight. So with the Moonpeak, with the Moonpeak, with the website, there's other websites as well, but that's the only one I use, is I send, most of the birthday cards I send, this is family.

And it's just, just family in it. I don't know why. I'm always down.

Not down emotionally. I'm always down financially because sometimes they don't send me a card. And if they do, it's not a decent one.

It's not a Moonpeak one. I look at the back. If it's not Moonpeak, it means they've just gone to the pound shop or got a cheap one.

Christmas. I always spend more on them than they do on me at Christmas. It's, it's weird.

I'm the unemployed one. My brother didn't even buy me a Christmas present this year. I'm never going to forgive him.

I've not mentioned it, but I'm never going to forget it, ever. I'm going to have a vendetta for life. I wonder why he didn't buy me anything.

I've spoken to him a few times since as well. I need to ask him. Unless he did send me something and I didn't get it, you know, maybe in the post or, or perhaps he sent me something in a card and I just chucked the card in the bin without opening it.

Maybe there was a voucher. Unless he did send me something, I've just forgotten about it. Maybe.

I've got a tendency of getting things like deodorant. So I just, it is a rubbish present. I'm sorry.

It's a rubbish present to give someone. Deodorant. That is the equivalent of a tampon.

Or a toilet roll. To me, it's the equivalent of toothpaste. You wouldn't give someone toothpaste for a present, would you? You wouldn't give someone wet wipes.

Or nasal hair trimmers. You know, it's not a present, is it? Here's a waxing kit. Oh, what a lovely present.

Here's a no-no. There you are, darling. I love you very much.

Now, can you please trim your beard off? No, that's not a present. That's an insult, isn't it, if anything, to say, oh yeah, you could, could you, it's deodorant there. Once, at Christmas, my brother said to me, no, I think it was my dad, yeah, my dad, he was at the table.

We were having that Christmas dinner. And he said to his wife, did we get Jason that present? He said, yeah, you mean the thing? I said, yeah. I didn't say she said, yeah, too.

I said, oh, look at him. What are you talking about? I'm here. I'm at the other side of the table, but I could hear things back then.

I still can. I said, I kept talking, and he said, oh, you sure? Yeah, yeah, I saw him open it. She always start opening presents in the morning.

There was a period of time when I used to go around there, probably in my 20s. I used to get there quite often for Christmas, to spend Christmas there and see my nan and stuff. But after 2004, she never used to be there.

She was always at my aunt's. So 2004 was the very last Christmas I had with my nan. It was a great Christmas though.

The best part of it was, it wasn't just seeing her and everything, but she left her, she left her purse on the kitchen table and went to bed, so I could steal all the money. It was brilliant. No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I didn't steal all of it. I left £3 in there.

But I can't believe she's talking about stealing off her grandmother. What kind of a man is this? It's disgusting. I'm shocked.

I didn't really do it. It was just a silly thing. Yeah, but you should never joke about stuff like that.

If you think that I care what you believe, you are very much mistaken. So I'm at the dinner table, and I'm having this conversation with my dad and his wife, my step-mom. Okay.

It's a little bit like Fraggle Rock. Like just, you know, the little fraggles just running around. The ones, the little builders, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

And it's like, okay. Half expecting to start building a bridge, but they didn't. And I said, you sure you did open the gift, the present? I said, look, excuse me.

What are you talking about? I'm here. He couldn't, I can hear what you're talking about me. You said my name.

He said, no, that's okay. Just a bit confused. I said, what? He said, well, you got our gifts, didn't you? Everyone opened the presents under the tree.

My dad was very specific. We had to actually be under the tree while we opened them. We weren't allowed to leave.

Honestly, it was mayhem. And he said, I said, yeah, yeah. I remember I poked my eye out five times.

He said, that was weird. And sometimes he'd jump onto the table, kick one of the plates off, because there were plates of food, kick one of the plates off. And he'd say, no, you should never do that.

You invited us on this Christmas dinner. And he'd jump off and laugh and walk away. He's like, what? Why? Whiskey.

That's what it was. It was all about whiskey. Anyway, he said to me, he said, you opened your presents.

We all opened our presents. Yeah. He said, well, you got a jumper.

I said, oh, you mean the one that Nan knitted? He said, yeah, yeah, of course I did. He said, oh, okay. Why are you not wearing it? I said, because I couldn't get it over my head.

Because my Nan seemed to forget that I'm not seven years old anymore. Suddenly a brussel sprout hit me in the face. My Nan said, I can't hear you.

I'm just sitting here. Oh, how dare you talk about my knitting like that? I'll have you. I'll knock you out.

So I said, sorry Nan, sorry. But, you know, just to let you know, I'm not a giraffe. I know you're not a giraffe.

I'll do you, my son. I'll do you. I'll do time for you.

I'll knock you out. Very strange. And my dad said, okay, so you got the jumper.

You got the braces? Yeah, I got the braces. By the way, when I said I wanted braces, I didn't mean ones for my teeth. You know, I wanted, you know, I was very, I was a late bloomer.

I had a big thing about cannonball. Still love them even 20 years later. I just love cannonball.

I wanted braces so I could just go rock on Tommy. Or if I was feeling a little bit fruitier, be able to go Nenu Nenu. So the two people that wore braces.

Or the third person I guess would be Lowell and Hardy. Trying to think what I used to say. No, take that.

No. No. What did Lowell and Hardy, what did Hardy used to say? I know Lowell used to go like that.

But Hardy was, now look what you've done, isn't it? Now look what a mess you've made. Now look what a mess you've made or something. Now, now that's a fine mess.

Isn't something like that, isn't it? Well, that's a fine mess you got us into. That's a fine mess. So that's, that's those impressions.

Could do with some work, but you know what? It was a one-off impression. I'm not going to go on the road with this. I'm not going to go on a world tour.

Doesn't seem like we're putting much effort into it, you know? I'm not going to spend hours and hours and days like, I've got to get my Lowell and Hardy perfect. When I do that, Let Me Bore You To Sleep, yeah? It may surprise you to know that I don't actually do much in the way of planning these recordings. And when I say I don't do much in the way of planning these recordings, I mean I do nothing to plan these recordings.

I do less than nothing. I actually do the reverse. I do minus nothing, if that's possible.

It's sort of the dinner table. And he's, my dad's saying, he says, you got, you got those. Did you get the deodorant? I said, yeah.

The Brute, Brute 66, I think it was. Brute. The Brute pack with deodorant and talcum powder.

I think it might have been shampoo as well. He said, see, you got it, yeah? I said, yeah. Well, could you do me a favour and go into the bathroom and put it on? Because you stink.

Oh, that's a bit rude. He said, it's not as rude as turning up to my Christmas dinner smelling like a tramp. I said, you can't use words like tramp anymore.

He said, this is 1992. The word tramp is absolutely fine. There's even a film called The Tramp.

Lady and the Tramp. Dad, Lady and the Tramp. There's a song, The Tramp, Charlie Chapman.

There's even, there's even a perfume called Tramp. So don't go telling me what I can and cannot say in 1992. Okay, Dad, sorry.

Well, no, wait a minute, I'm not sorry. What are you saying, I stink? He said, yeah, yeah. And that's kind of what we're saying.

And it's really weird because for the first time, the entire family seemed to come together in agreement. It's a shame it had to be about how stinky I was. My favourite deodorant is, still is, always will be, and it was my special DJ deodorant, called Old Spice.

I don't know what it is about, I love the smell. See, I'm so excited, I couldn't even finish the sentence. I had to start another sentence before that one finished.

An overlap. An overlap is a sign of real excitement. Too many overlaps could be a sign of, well, problems, but you know, generally.

Generally, all the times I think of you reminds me what it would be like if you were stuck to the roof of my camper van as I flew through the air towards France. So, been working on my shed today and I'll admit, well, I'm not admitting anything, I'm not telling you, you can't, you can't, you can't prove it. I've never really been the most, I'm not sure what the right word would be.

I used to say the word would be manly, but most manly, but I've got, I never, let me think. Practical would be a word I would use as far as doing things around the house and putting up shelves or screwing things, you know, or hammering things or stuff like that. Part of the reason for that is because I did a lot of it when I was a kid.

Basically, my dad was a, he's an expert on all that stuff. And we lived in a constant building site, it seemed, at times. There was also one, always one room, it seemed, being redecorated or a driveway being rebuilt or the wall being, what do they call it, cornered? What's it called when you chip out the thing, you put new concrete in? Cornered, blasted, cornered.

I forget. I quite like that actually, I quite like doing that, not saying different words, trying to guess it, but I mean, the actual thing. All windows needed cleaning or replacing, gardening, you know, it's constant, honestly, for, I don't know, yeah, seven years.

It slowed down a little bit after six. But yeah, it was just like, oh, really? Great, another room. As I look into the loft, was there a loft? Yeah, there probably was a loft.

It was a lofty loft. I don't know. But there was, so after that, I didn't want anything to do with decorating, painting, nothing like that, didn't like it, didn't like it, had it for too long, never liked it, I never wanted to do it again.

And luckily, not really luckily, but you know, I ended up just living in rooms for most of my adult life, so I didn't need to paint anything. Although I have painted, I think I painted my very first flat when I moved in there when I was 16. And other than that, just trying to think of the places I've had that I've painted.

I painted the walls of the room that I rented in a Buddhist community. I painted those walls, and then I moved into a different room. And I think the person that was living there got fed up with me painting all the time.

So I think he'd had a lot of problems with people painting when he was a kid and couldn't stand being around it. So I moved into his room. Had a wooden floor.

Like, you know, one of those like proper wooden, I'm trying to explain what wood is. But you know, I think you click them together kind of to make, yeah, great for tap dancing. Not great for sleeping if you live underneath.

But there was no one living underneath me. I was above the living room. Plus, I didn't tap dance.

Yeah, but I did paint that room. Anyway, the other room before I moved out of it. Any other rooms that I painted? No, I don't think there was.

Because every other place was just a room. Although that was a room, in my mind, I was moving in there for a long time. And I was planning to be ordained and to, you know, be a, not a monk, but to be an order member and to devote my life to that.

That was my plan when I moved in there. In February 95. 95, 2005.

I was still going to do the hypnosis, but I was like, focusing on that. It wasn't until 2006 that I started doing all this stuff that I'm doing now. But I can't think, I don't think I painted anywhere else that I lived.

So let me go through the different places I've lived. So I was living in my house. From the age of seven, here we go, from the age of seven.

I was born in Enfield. I lived with foster parents. So there's two places I lived in Enfield.

Then I moved to Newcastle. Apparently lived in different places, but I lived, there's one block of flats that I remember. Then I remember living in a children's home in Newcastle, moved to a children's home in Southend, both called Nazareth House, one by Catholic nuns.

So that's five. Then I moved to my dad's with his new wife and lived there, but with her mum. So that's six.

Then we moved to the house. Andre, you all right, baby? Andre? He does make some weird noises when he's asleep. I get all worried about him.

Sometimes I wake him up. Are you okay? He said, go away. I don't dare you wake me up.

Other times I'll just leave him alone, and I'm thinking, I hope he's all right. The next minute he's over there and he's, I won't tell you what he's doing, but in his mouth is my old slipper. And he's just doing a poo, isn't that lovely? He's staring at me.

Or he died of the wee. He's struggling. Why is he, has to do on the edge of the paper.

It's all this paper. He won't walk through the paper. Has to do it right on the edge.

I've heard him say, Daddy, you're wrong. I don't have to. I choose to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very, very cocky young man he is. So yeah, so the new seven moved into a council house.

The other place was a council house as well. I lived in a council flat. So I've lived in quite a few different council places, including this now.

But anyway, that was that. And so I was, I lived there till I was about eight. Then we moved, and my nan and granddad moved into there.

Then I moved to the house that we lived in for ages and ages until I was 15. Then I moved into my stepmum's mother's flat when I was 15. And I slept on the floor, but it was a sofa, like a camper bed thing, you know, the ones that you pull out.

So I was pulling that, pulling it out every night and trying to sleep. It was uncomfortable and all that stuff. But I did that until the following February, when I was 16, or March.

And I moved into my own flat above the chip shop. So that's 10, 10 so far, 10 moves. There's probably about three or four in between there when I was young, but I don't remember them.

So the next place I moved after that, I was there for a year. Then I moved into my dad's because I was homeless. I left the job and couldn't, well, didn't have anywhere to live.

I didn't really think it through really. And I moved out of his because I had a job in the co-op. I moved above the co-op with my friend, who was the manager.

And then she lost her job, which meant, which I know I'm laughing, but it meant that I was evicted, or we were both evicted from there. One of my few evictions. I've been evicted a few times over the years.

So I was, I had a job, luckily. So I've managed to get another place to live down the seafront. Then I moved from there to another place, which was two roads away.

I moved out for some reason, I can't remember. And then I worked in a pub, left the job in a pub. Then I moved back to my dad's for a very short time.

And he kicked me out. I must've been annoying or something. And so this time I was 18.

So then I moved in with a girl I really liked, her mom gave me a room. So that's the 16th place. So I was 18 then.

Okay, what happened then? I went to Spain for the day, or for the afternoon, I left basically to move away and came back. She let me stay there for another two or a night or two and then I had to get out. So I'd already moved out.

So I moved, where did I go then? I think, I think, I think, I think, I moved in with my friend who gave me, yeah, I moved in with a couple of people and met at work, my other job, previous job, but the job that I just left to go traveling. So I lived with them. Again, I was sleeping on a, I basically slept on the floor, on the cushions from the sofa.

So I didn't have my own bedroom during that time. Then I stayed with another friend for a little while, then I was kicked out of the place that I was in. So then, so that's that.

Where did I go after that one? If my memory serves me, so my 20th place was at a, it was with some people that used to come into the pub that I went to. So I lived there. At 21st place, again, I was still 18 at this time, or something, I don't know.

21st place, I stayed with another friend. And he's, he had a room, so just like two beds, so I stayed in one of those beds. And then we moved to another place where there's two bedrooms.

So that's at 22nd place. Then I moved to London. So I've got a room in London.

No, I moved to London. I stayed with my cousin. So I stayed there for a while.

Then I moved to another room. Then I moved in with my friend. So that's 25.

It's the person I was working with, moved in with him. He died. So then I went back to the old room that I had before that.

We moved again, 26. Then I moved back to my dad's, because I got offered a job in the town that we were living in. And just temporary, he's put me up.

Moved out of there to his new house. And then moved out of there to a studio apartment. And I moved out of there to a room in the same road as where I used to live, when I was a kid.

So that's 30 so far. And then I moved out of there to move to London. It's there for quite a while, that one.

So that's 31. I think I've got the right number. Or was it 3? 31.

Then I moved out of there to stay, stayed with my friend. Moved into his place. He got evicted.

So I had to move out of there. Or the whole war was got evicted. I had to move out of there.

Moved in with another friend. Moved to Ireland. Stayed with Andre's parents.

Then I came back to the same place I was before. That's 35. 36, I moved to Butlins and lived there for the Christmas season.

Because I was evicted from the place I was. So Butlins. Then I moved to Butlins.

I was homeless. But luckily my cousin put me up. And then I moved from there to live with a friend.

Then I moved back to my cousin's. She evicted me, eventually. It's all official, proper letter and all that stuff.

And then I moved. So 30, 40. Was that 40? I've lost count.

Anyway, I moved to another room where I shared it with a big snorer. Basically, it was two rooms and they just had these little slide doors in between. They were locked.

It shouldn't have been rented out. It was two rooms. You know, I'm not saying I wanted to share the room with him, but he was lovely.

I just didn't want to listen to him snoring. But I did have a double bed. So that was quite cool.

Was there for a while. Not long though, because then my nan, I wanted to be closer to my nan because she got an injury. So I wanted to be closer.

So I moved back to near where she lived. I lived in a bed and breakfast for a little while. Then I moved into a studio apartment.

Then I moved into another studio apartment. Then I moved into another studio apartment. Then I moved into a room that had no central heating for some reason.

Then I moved into the Buddhist community. I had to get out there. I moved to the town I'm in now in 2007, November.

A place that I stayed for the whole time of my university course. Got evicted from there. Moved into a place that was costing me £125 a week just for a room.

But it was en-suite. But £125 a week. Lived there for a year.

That was awful. Moved into the little cellar, the dungeon that I lived in. It's a horrible mouldy little room that I lived in.

Lived there for a couple of years. And then finally I moved here. I don't know how many that is.

It was so many. I literally lost count. That's quite a few, isn't it? Probably 50.

Yeah, I must have moved 50 plus times. Over 40 times as an adult or since I left school. 45 times or something.

I don't know. So yeah. So this flat here is the only one I've really painted since the original flat, I guess, when I was 16.

And I was... What was I when I moved in here? 40... When did I move in here? Five years ago. So it would have been 2015. I was 24 and now I'm 63.

So wow. Five years have gone by. 63.

Can you imagine? I reckon I might still sound quite young, even when I'm in my 60s. People won't believe it. And you know, someone will be like, oh, I want to meet him.

He sounds nice. And they meet me and I'm just sitting there, you know, 103, just sitting in the corner of a pub. You know, someone opens a window and basically I just blow away.

I'm just dust. So yeah. There was a time I didn't mind painting and that was at the comedy club.

But I loved that comedy club. Passionately loved it. It's the only building I've ever loved.

I do. I love my flat. You know, not a big fan of the area or going out of the front door.

But you know, the actual flat itself, it's messy. It's not as probably messy as I'd make out, because I don't have many belongings. But Andres just trashes the place.

He's got toys all over the floor. Food all over the floor, but that's me because I knocked it over. The dry food.

I trod on his little plate. I'm still going to blame it on him. I ended up with bits of food inside my... It's bad enough that I'm walking on his, on the remains of the end result of the beating, but I don't want to be walking into the beginnings as well.

And I didn't do much painting because when I first moved in here, literally, I think within the first week, maybe, I fell out of the bath and broke my wrist. And it was my left wrist. So I could do most things.

Yeah. And I did. You know, I could do, I'm right-handed.

So, but my dad turned up with one paintbrush. So, wait a minute. No, I think I did help with the rolling, the painting, but he, he came around.

Yes, we did the painting of the walls. Not all the walls needed it, because pretty good nick, pretty good condition. The floor was just, it's concrete that's covered in paint.

Because I'd been painting. No, it was covered in paint already. You know, there's bits of nails sticking up, all that kind of stuff.

But I had carpet put in anyway, eventually. Yeah. So I'd done painting the wall, but the skirting boards were the last to be done.

And my dad, he said, we'll do that just before the carpet goes down. And I said, all right. So he came around us and I said, I broke my wrist.

But he knew before, beforehand, because I got this an old saying, when Jason breaks a bone, everybody knows. Doesn't quite rhyme, but you know, it's nearly a rhyme. When Jason breaks a bone, everybody knows.

So, yeah, so I had my, my arm, my wrist all done up. And so he, he came around with one paintbrush to do the skirting boards. And I remember thinking, especially when he said, well, you can't do it because you've got one arm.

And he wasn't going to stand there watching me do it. So, because he's impatient, I suppose, you know. And it'd be boring, wouldn't it, watching someone else do the painting.

So you'd think. And I remember thinking, result. I remember going in the kitchen, I'm doing a little dance.

I haven't got to paint the skirting boards. I haven't got to paint the skirting boards. And I think I was singing a bit too loud because my dad came in.

I said, oh, how dare you get out of my sight. Anyway, I didn't really do much painting there. But at the comedy club, there is these murals or pictures of comedy cartoon characters from the B&O on the outside of the club.

And I used to, every year, I'd do a little bit of painting. I'd keep away from the actual pictures themselves. Because I didn't have, my painting ability wasn't such as to be able to, I would have messed it up.

I know, trust me, I needed, I know where, I know where my limits are sometimes with stuff like that. So what I did is, there's a lot of red to paint in, a lot of colors to paint in. So I'd do some of the in-between bits.

And it's a long job. It's about a week to do, or once a year do it. And the thing I remember most about it is being outside, it's a very busy road, having to keep standing out and letting cars go past because my bum was sticking out.

It took up half the road. And as I'm moving around, the, and there wasn't much in that road, but it was a lot of foot traffic, no legs or bodies, just feet. And I could not believe the amount of people walking past.

And again, I'm not, it was basically, I'm not going to, okay, I'm not going to be, I'm not going to generalize, but two people, this is an example of who was walking past me, two people, I imagine probably working together out on their lunch break, annihilating verbally someone else that's not there, moaning constantly. And it was this moaning, she said this, he said that, he's this. Now, I actually thought it was the same people walking past me, walking, why are you walking up and down past me for six hours? And I realized it wasn't.

It was hundreds of people, hundreds and hundreds of different groups of people walking past me, having very similar conversations. Basically, was it telling tales or gossiping, moaning. And I'm talking hundreds.

I think I actually counted. I do stuff like that sometimes. I mean, count, but sometimes if there's a, I'm really sort of wondering, I wonder how often this actually happens.

Or is, I used to do it when I used to listen to one of my jobs in insurance, back in 2006, 2007, one of my jobs was to listen to people's calls, listen to the calls, mark them, make sure they did the job right, ask the right questions in the right order. Well, not necessarily the right order, but just make sure they asked the questions correctly and they did their jobs correct. That was my job to listen to recordings.

Now, mainly the salespeople would be the ones I do this with. I do it with everyone, but this particular thing that I did is I noticed that some people would use the same phrase over and over again, similar to kind of like at the end of the day, or something I really notice when I'm watching people being interviewed on telly. And these are people like the general public, doesn't happen so much with professional speakers that are on television because they, I guess they learn how to talk.

I guess it's a skill. I've never been on television doing that stuff, but I imagine it's something that you can learn, how to communicate like on a panel or in a political interview or something like that, or a news item. However, on a radio, when the general public phone in and stuff like that, the amount of people that use or still keep using the same phrase, one that I really, it does bug me a little bit because it's a little bit nonsensical, the word obviously, because something's only obvious if you both know the situation.

For example, if you're talking to me, if I'm talking to you and I say, well, I had to go to the shop because obviously I had to get some cat food for Andre. That's not obvious. It probably might, you could see the connection if you know me with Andre, but it's like the word obviously, and the people that use it continuously using it.

So I don't know if it's the same as which I probably do all the time. I think most of my recordings is just me going, um, I don't know what to say next. Yeah, I have lived in a few different places.

Let me tell you what ones they were. Um, there's one and, uh, I want to, um, you know, I'm not sure that's another one. Another thing is the one where people say, so, you know, at the beginning of a sentence, you don't want to ask a question.

So how long before you, uh, release me? So I know someone does that and I picked her up on it as years ago. She said, no, I can't help it. It's just what I do.

I think it's been passed on by sort of the middle class, sort of the more quiet, quite high educated people seem to have used that sentence and it's spread down to the lower beings like myself. Also in Ireland, when I was living there, I'd see people in the street and instead of saying what, what actually, instead of just ignoring each other, which is what I would normally do in London, the, they wouldn't say, hello, wouldn't say, all right, wouldn't say afternoon, morning, evening, how do, wouldn't know that. What they would say is so, so, so, so that was it.

So what I'm guessing it's a very shortened version of, so how are you then? Or so have a great day or something like that. But so they got bored saying the whole sentence. So now, first of all, I said, so what? What? What? So what? You're taking a mickey son.

You're making fun of me. No, I just don't know what you mean when you say so. You're trying to do the Irish accent.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I just didn't know what so meant.

Well, you don't know the, don't know the dictionary, don't you? Yeah, but so is usually used in the middle of a sentence. For example, I found a drowsy elephant in the attic. So I took some pictures of it.

Wearing a clown costume. That's an example of the word so. Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you? That's another one.

You think you're so clever. Oh, you think you're really clever. Thinking up an elephant in a clown costume.

Wasn't very quick though, was it? Took you quite a while to come out with that. What do you mean? You thought you was being really clever there. You thought I would say something really funny.

But both it wasn't funny, but it wasn't quick. It took too long. You can't just stand, just like take 10 minutes to come up with something.

So your accent's changing. It seems to be moving from Irish to Scottish. Well, you don't know.

You're the one doing it. Well, that was a bit more Irish. Well, you don't know.

You don't know. You don't know. Well, not great accents.

You might have noticed that. I'm not my best. So, so, so.

Ireland is a beautiful place, by the way. If you've never been there, go. Or don't go.

It's up to you. I'm not telling you. You have to go.

I don't have control over what you do. But very beautiful place. Very lovely place.

Very green. Lots of trees, which is lovely. I like trees.

That's got to be the most boring part of this whole recording. I like trees. That there, that's probably the most boring sentence.

You've got to go to Ireland. They've got lots of trees. I like trees.

Do I do? Anyway. I'm gonna go in a minute. Yes, I am in a minute.

I'm gonna, gonna go. So, yeah, check out my website if you wanna. Hopefully, you'll be fast asleep by now.

As you may have noticed, I've started to extend the time period that I spend making these particular recordings from an hour to about an hour and a half. It's just a, it's a social experiment. It's not really.

It's just, I've noticed that I tend to talk for longer these days. So, I thought I might as well make an hour and a half the average time. And then I might extend it to two hours maybe at some point.

Maybe extend it to three hours. Who knows? Three hours. It's a bit long, isn't it? Then maybe extend it to four hours and five.

Can you imagine me talking for five hours? Because I can on this podcast. I'm allowed. It allows me to talk constantly for five hours.

Mind you, I have to do it separate. I have to do it a different way because I have to record it on my tablet and have that plugged in all the time. Because the battery would run out.

Five hours is too long. Oh man, five hours. You're having to laugh.

I don't think there's anything in the world I would want to spend five hours doing. Nothing. There's nothing I've ever done.

No amount of pleasure. I thought to myself, I'd like to experience this for five hours. No, never.

Not one thing. No. I'm happy for things to be over and done with in three or four minutes.

You know, maybe a little bit longer if I'm eating. But just not into things lasting long periods of time. I'm not in a hurry as such.

But you know, I think I had, I think my last girlfriend, she said, why can't you spend, why can't you spend a bit more time giving me pleasure? And I said, it's simple, my love. The adverts are nearly over. Program's starting in a second.

I've got to get back. It's the X Factor. God, that dates how long it's been since I've been on the X Factor.

X Factored? Huh. I actually, did I ever tell you? I actually applied to be on the X Factor. Yeah.

But that story is for another time. It was in, I was about to tell you is in 2005. It was a year when Leona Lewis won it.

2005, 2015, 15 years ago, Leona Lewis won the X Factor. And that's ridiculous. Or was it 2007? No, it wasn't.

Was it 2005? Maybe it was 2007. I think it was 2005. Cause I'm pretty, pretty sure that the first X Factor was 2004 and it was Steve who won it.

And then Leona Lewis won it the second year. Pretty sure of that. Cause I meant, well, I'm not going to tell you all about it.

I'll tell you another time because it's a really groovy story. It was, it was. Good times.

Anyway, I've got to go. Wish you well. Remember to be kind to yourself because you do deserve to be happy.

Do something nice for yourself today or tomorrow. Do something gentle. Just something nice.

And I shall speak to you again tomorrow. Lots of love. Bye.